What was my life like before I was saved?
Before I was saved, it was natural for me to fight or flee when under stress, worries, temptations and fear and I have made many mistakes and bad decisions as a result this way.
I suffered from impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.
My judgement was poor and I simply could not tell the difference between what was right or wrong at that time or I was just too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. All I care about was only my feeling and this is how I have hurt or harm another person with my bad decisions.
In the past, I could be stress or suffering from some illness or conditions, and I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, and drug to ease my tension and anxiety. Other times I would also gamble when I do not have enough money to take care of everything. They have help me in rare moments to solve my problems but this way of living and lifestyle was really foolish, reckless and a disaster in the making, it has wipeout everything in my life, it has destroyed all my relationships, career, health and saving.
How did I get saved?
It was very important for me to be mindful and not forget that it was still wrong in the court of the law or in the eyes of God when I choose to do something wrong or disobedient even if my intention was good. I have stop doing all those foolish and reckless acts now; I do not run away or hide from my problem now. I have learnt to give up or stop my old ways by choosing to follow a new way now.
Things started to change after I understand, that many people I have met are actually suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behavior, especially if I was also suffering from the same thing, I can better understand them and it has helps me to have more empathy and compassion towards them. I can understand their helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, hardships, sufferings and pain when they are rejected by others in the society. People are quick to judge, label and sentence people like us.
How did my life change after I was saved?
I learnt that I was a liar if I choose to love a God that I cannot see and not love a person that I can see. Today I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
I learnt that I was a hypocrite, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to the people I dislike. I will avoid or walk away from them; I am afraid they will ask me for money; make me lose my job; want to stay in my home; tell me what to do; shame and disgrace me. I do not know how to love or help the people who are unlovable and unfortunates. I suddenly realize that this is also how I made other people think and feel about me too. I was that unlovable person.
Today it has become a test and a lesson for me every single time; to learn how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially those that I do not like. I have really found it hard to love people I know and do not like. It was easier to offer a stranger I do not know.
Today I was more forgiving, and less judgmental.
Today I know that I have other choices.
I can choose to be kind and loving instead of being right.
I am very much a work in progress. I am a sinner trying to repent.
I can sin and need help to change.