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The gambling and alcohol binge fog is lifting somewhat. My initial crisis feeling is subsiding and I was able to get some much needed rest. I came to see my boyfriend he is living back I’m our foreclosed house and I feel like a squatter. He has nowhere to go right now and no money to get an apartment. He is a trigger for my gambling big time. We have been living together for five years and he has almost zero take home income because he is still paying alimony and a ridiculous amount of child support. For our entire relationship I have had to take care of all of the household expenses from my less than 40k a year job and I deeply resent him for not being able to provide anything for me at all. He will not go back to court and he will not confront his ex about the divorce. At one point he had a six figure job and he lost it and now makes less than 40k but is still paying her the same amount. If I say anything he gets infuriated and calls me awful names or says things like „you are such a loser why don’t you go spend all of our money at the casino and try to blame me”
When we lost the house and I lost my job and moved to my parents he went back to his ex wife. This crushed me. Instead of sticking with me and figuring out what we were going to do he just went back so he could keep his money and see his kids. He was only there for a month and he begged me to be with him again and made a huge mistake. I took him back but I am still angry at him and I am having a hard time letting go of the hurt and pain he caused me. My gambling increased 10 fold after this .
My daughter went to live with my sister. She is a senior this year and busy with all of her activities and friends and my parents did not have room. She is happy and well adjusted there but I can’t shake the feeling that I am a loser and I have abandoned my own daughter .
I churn these feelings around and around and although I finally think I realize that I’m not going to hit a jackpot and make everything better(get a house,get her a car, get my life straightened out) the gambling started to become something to just numb my pain. Make me not feel. I realized this when I had won over 1000 dollars and stayed there all night and spent it all back. It’s not really about the money at all.
Today I am meeting my old coworker for breakfast. I told her I had no money and she really wanted me to go and she insisted she will pay. Ugh. I have exactly 4.00 in change for gas and this must last me for 2 weeks. I have no one to borrow from and I have nothing to sell or pawn. I can’t ask my parents as they have been kind enough to provide food and shelter when I could not.
Hoping that this new counselor will be able to help me. But I don’t see her until next Sunday.
I’m going to just survive and push through these weeks until I can see her.