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Two months and three weeks and I almost successfully rationalized a way for me to gamble.

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been comforting a friend who is recently divorced. We’ll drink a few beers and watch a movie, or something like this. But today, I thought about how much fun it would be for us to bet on a football game and watch it together. I mean, it would be for him, not just myself, after all.

I was able to catch myself and I’m sure glad that I can now see through my own bullshit.

And speaking of BS, I was wondering today if the feelings of guilt and shame I felt after losing were actually those feelings or decoys I devised to masquerade the anger I harbored towards the casino and life in general. In other words, if I felt guilt, I couldn’t really be that crappy of a person for just doing what I had done and was instead somewhat of a victim of unfortunate circumstance.

Does anyone else know what I’m getting at? Do you have the same doubt in the integrity of those feelings?