[i-did-it]

A new journal for a new me!

[i-did-it]

I honestly don’t find writing on an online journal terribly motivating – yet when I write in pen on paper it triggers something in my brain – perhaps more senses are being used and the brain gets the message in a variety of ways .

Today I did a similar plan to the one Monica described.
I put headings and a target end point for several areas of my life ( finances , home , career , looks etc ) and although I don’t know all the steps to get me there I wrote one tiny step I can do today to get me on my way. I realised that all these things are do not exist as isolated silos but are all interconnected and success happens when all are working together.

I also realise that finances are only one part of this – so trying to gamble my way to financial success while ignoring the other areas of my life is unlikely to bring me any kind of happiness, even if I managed to get that elusive win and hold on to it.

So that’s the theory – I now need to go back to the action part.
I am motivated and busy today !

[lizbeth4]

It sounds like a good plan. Finding the right balance in life is hard! I feel like I’m more in balance than I’ve been in a long time. Yes, every facet of our live is intertwined. It would be nice to have everything in sync.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth Thank you for your reply .

I am still not gamble free – small amounts but they add up- a twenty here , a twenty there , an account closed, a new account opened.

Gamstop is absolutely of no use and I have let other barriers go because I thought it was a solution.

In a actual fact since joining Gamstop I seem to be able to access a lot more sites – I wonder if the existence of Gamstop is allowing gambling sites to be less stringent with their own “in house” checks and procedures?

Anyway now that I know Gamstop doesn’t work it’s up to me to get back to the things that did work. I am counting the pennies until payday and feeling quite miserable about it .

I have more than many ( with or without addcitons) but it still feels like such a struggle. I feel the solution would be a win – of which I have had several ,but have been unable to stop and cash out – same old same old. My stinking thinking is still thinking stinking !

I have so much I want to do but similar to the last week before payday every month, my mind is consumed with addding and subtracting money – what’s different is my options are fewer – far fewer than they were even five years ago.

Everyday I think the madness has stopped -I I can handle this – and every day it doesn’t and I can’t .

Usually I hate to write about my gambling  on here because I have had so many counterproductive cliches and bible misquote replies.

That’s about it – not a very upbeat post but I’m not feeling terribly upbeat.

[Nick]

Hi idi fortunately for me moses (multi operator self exclusion scheme) worked for me last night when i tried to re-open an online account with a bookmaker otherwise i might have gambled all of my hard earned money . One thing i can say positively for you is that you have never stopped trying to give up .

[Jezi]

Hi idi good to see that you are back! I dont know all the methods you have tried to stay gambling free. Im curious about what options you have not tried yet that you think might work if you would give it a go? I have managed to stay free of gambling for 3 weeks which is a huge step for me, cant remember when that happened within the last 15 years so there must be something im doing right this time lol

Well first of all reaching out made a big difference. But i think ga and getting counselling has played a big part in my recovery so far. I still dont like to go to ga but it has taught me some important things so i will keep going.

/ jez

[vera]

Sorry to hear you are not feeling too upbeat, IDI.
Life, with or without gambling can be dull, sometimes.
Gambling brings a bit of a buzz but we know what follows.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Nick , Jezi and Vera ,
Well done Nick on having that barrier in place and congratulations Jezi on those three weeks – hat is a great achievement !

Life can be dull- but my life never is .
I think occurs to me that we laugh a lot in my house – and I guess that dampens any dullness .
However, my moods seem to be completly regulated by the amount of money I have .
There are so many ways I could earn extra but I have a lazy streak – no I guess it’s that gambling (and thinking about it , how to survive after it , how to cover it up etc) takes up too much time !

What could I have achieved if gambling hadn’t taken up so much head space?
I have been advised so many times to find something to replace gambling but no one ever told me why this would be helpful .

I need to fill my head with other stuff and squash gambling right out of it .

[Steev]

You wrote, „I have been advised so many times to find something to replace gambling but no one ever told me why this would be helpful .”

I guess it would be helpful because gambling is causing you so much pain. I guess we have all met people who are happy in their addictions, like the alcoholic who knows the drink it going to kill him or her – but then something will and it may as well be this.

Gambling took up too much of my time – not just the act of gambling but all the extra work which I had to do to pay off my debts and the interest. Risking being cliched, what interests are being squashed out by gambling? Can you go back to them? Are there things you would like to do – things important to you that you put off, perhaps because they bring up emotions that are difficult to deal with. Is there a way you could get support to do these things?

I really appreciate your honesty in your journal entries and showing how difficult the recovery journey is for you. I hope being with you on this journey is helpful.

[i-did-it]

Steev
Thank you for your post
Don’t worry about cliches – I think it’s more when people try to ram GA down my throat and deliver phrases from it like they are absolute wisdom – ignoring the huge relapse rate !
I tried it however with an open mind – I hated it !

I’m not sure what I loved to do – I remember having dreams and aspirations and I remember having them crushed, long before gambling took over.
Can I go back to them ? Can we ever go back ?
I feel stuck – too old to go back and too old to move forward in the way I want to.
However on reflection I realise that I am privileged – every month I get paid and the reset button is flicked – I have an opportunity for a different life . Many people in the world never get that opportunity.

Time to take responsibility – we are all masters of our own destiny .

[vera]

Gambling is the biggest dream crusher I know, IDI. Yes, we can become demotivated by negative remarks and a negative attitude from our nearest and dearest or by rejection along Life’s road. I have experienced some of that but it’s how we cope with these things that c ounts in the long run. Nobody can stop us from taking steps to hold on to our dignity and peace of mind. I’m just home from the theatre in Dublin. A few things struck me. I was astounded at the cost for one.The car park cost 15 quid. I was probably one of the oldest/fattest/ugliest people there. The glamour was out of this world. The bars were crowded before and after the show and at the interval. „Where do they get the money?” I asked myself. Then I remembered I could have ten nights in the theatre , for one night in a dingy casino. It was like a different life. On a different note. In defense of GA, it is said that most people who „fail” , fall back to gambling because they stop attending the meetings (so GA as an organization  can’t be blamed for the high relapse rate among gamblers) I can’t stand over that but I will say I have been to hundreds of meetings and everyone who returns to GA opens their therapy with „I gambled again because I stopped coming to the meetings”. It’s not written in stone but if you really study the principles of GA, you will see the benefits of the Fellowship. You obviously had a bad experience there.

[lizbeth4]

There are times that I feel stuck in life. Maybe we are thinking too far in advance. Maybe we should just try to do something we like everyday. It doesn’t have to be something big. Maybe we can retrain our minds to enjoy the little things around us. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes over thinking keeps us from living in the present. Just my thoughts.
We are masters of our own destiny.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Vera and Lizbeth

I hear you Lizbeth – maybe we should just let each day happen!

Vera I heard that too but I think it’s like GT- people stay away because they have gambled ! I know I do .

But I do think support is important. I’m not sure I would still beon the planet if it wasn’t for all you kind people.

So I seem to have my barriers back intact – two days and desperate attempts to get my fix – it’s over – I cannot gamble! I seem to be barred from every casino in the land and beyond .

It doesn’t feel great – I don’t feel wonderful- I’m not sure why this has happed – feel a huge sense of loss and a huge sense of loneliness . I miss my spinning wheels and the anticipation of a big win.

On the bright side my frugal funds will now hopefully get me through until payday. I have a few sales lined up – I get to keep my phone – I can buy a hair dye -I would prefer to have a few hours gambling

I feel God had a hand in the sudden effectiveness of my barriers – I had run out of lifelines so I think He had to step in!

I simply couldn’t do it alone .

I think one of the GA cliches that troubles me  most is the one about God helping those who help themselves – I always find it objectionable when the word of God  is misquoted to suit an agenda -however well meaning the intention.  if I could help myself – I simply wouldn’t need God !

I guess I’m grateful for that too- just need to calm down and see what plans He has for me.

[i-did-it]

Today I feel relieved that I didn’t gamble last night .
Today I have reached my first gamble free day 3 in ages.
Today I know it’s nothing I have done that has made the difference.
Today I feel I can have a brighter future.
Today my mind is running ahead and I want so many things.
Today I feel overwhelmed because I have so much to do both at home and at work.
Today I feel panicked.
Today I feel left behind.
Today I feel a sense of uselessness on every level.
Today I wonder at my complete inability to complete even simple tasks .
Today I want to be what I’m not.
Today I resent people who have held me back in life .
Today I resent people who have left me behind in life .
Today I resent the people I spent my time and money on seeking approval from.
Today my mind is all over the place .
Today I am staying in bed.

[Steev]

You wrote: „I am too old to go back and to old to move forward in the way I want to …”

When are we too old? I’m 62 and embarking on a new adventure – travelling the world. I’m doing it at an older age than I would have wished but I am still doing it.

So you do want to move forward in some way?

I can only speak from my own experience. I didn’t decide what the alternative to gambling was until I had quit gambling for a while. My head was too screwed up before. At first I tried lots of things – things I had done before gambling and things I felt I didn’t have time to do. I took classes, went to events – anything that took up time because it was the time for gambling that I had to kill.

When I found something (in my case counselling) I plunged myself into it – because that is something I know how to do. I know how to be addicted / compulsive – so I became addicted to learning about counselling and taking part in all sorts of workshops to do with it. It cost money – but not as much as the gambling did. I had gambling relapses – but they became fewer and fewer.

I’ve seen others find their new (healthier?) compulsions. A friend from GA has become compulsive around music – performing and supporting others in performance. Someone else I know has gone into keep fit and running.

A philosopher once wrote: „One who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” I read that quote in a book about a concentration camp survivor who strove to find meaning in his suffering.

Perhaps I’m going on. Please feel free to tell me to shut up – I will understand.

I will work on my own story to post in the forums next month. I am still busy visiting people – but things should calm down when I reach Ireland. Stay strong.

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
It is so nice to feel heard.
I think I am in severe withdrawal – I think I feel every choice I ever made in my life has been the wrong one. I think I can’t move forward because I am so lost in regrets – gambling is only one of these .

I knew a man once who regretted everything he ever did –
He regretted buying his car, he regretted buying his tractor , he regretted buying land , he regretted buying his livestock. I am not sure why he has come into my mind just now because he is long since dead.
I guess my subconscious is telling me we are a long time dead – get up and go live. The regrets aren’t so huge that we should focus this much energy on them and one day they will be forgotten as indeed we will be. Not exactly positive thinking but perhaps the kick in the **** I need just now .

I admire your ambition to travel the world – you will love Ireland. I need to find a new compulsion- something to fill my additive brain. Alcohol is a strong contender right now so I need to really search.

Thank you for your post again Steev- I look forward to reading your story on your thread .

[Monica1]

Well done for stopping gambling. I recognise overwhelm as have often been there myself. I do nothing at those times, stay in bed, rest up, keep things very simple. Empty the mind of the clutter. Recovery for me was like a rebirth and new life in which there is no space for regret. It changes a person and coming through this addiction even with all its ongoing issues brings something new in us. Of course there may be a little regret but I don’t really regret it because I am wiser and have more empathy because of it.

[i-did-it]

Thank Monica ,
It occurs to me you are awake very late – is all ok?

You are so right Monica – what is the point in regrets- what purpose do they serve except to hold us back?

Perhaps I need some time off work? Perhaps I should just take a week for me and just be.
All my years of dutiful service mean nothing to anyone – I am now seen as older and less dynamic – great to head up the difficult and horrible tasks but the juicy exciting stuff is left to the younger ones.
Omg what a misery guts I have become.

Today is day 4- the gamble free days build up very quickly .
Of course it is not really day 4 – I am not where I was after my first four days of stopping but much further down the road and with many lessons learned.
This time I will ring-fence more money so that it cannot be touched. I have over the course of this addiction gradually safeguarded my priority bills and many other bills – time to safeguard a little more – a holiday or other luxury.

-I know something else that is different – this time my thinking around the lottery has changed – there will be no win to rescue me.

My destiny is in my own hands. It occurs to me that I have been waiting to be rescued for the past two decades.

It is a great reason to escape doing all the life stuff we can’t be bothered to do – like perhaps investing in our homes or relationships. Why would we – we can do it all when the big win comes along ?

It is a long road ahead – the challenge is not in stopping gambling – the challenge is in accepting that it will take time to get to where I want to be .
No point in regrets – looking back and thinking about where I should have been only breeds impatience – impatience breeds gambling urges as I crave the instant remedy.

Time to accept the things I cannot change – because gambling certainly hasn’t changed them.

[Monica1]

Well, you talk of getting older and one of the things about getting older is you need less sleep. I am Ok ty. Fell asleep at 10 and awake at 4. Came on here, read a bit and then fell asleep again.
Now I don’t agree with you about being older makes one less dynamic. I put my strength and resilience down to the Heavenly Father and Christ who strengthens me. The cfo where I am attended a meeting with me, said he had heard good things about me and did I want the job permanently. Those good things happen because every day of my recovery I listen to scripture. I strengthen that relationship with Christ in which all things are possible. It honestly gives me more strength and each day is anew. I am grateful for life itself. And a funny thing happened where a senior manager at work was talking about a team of older people saying they were slower. At 61.5 years I just looked at him and said, really? He had not thought or counted me in that older people bracket.
And I am sure your years of service mean a lot to those children, idi. You should be proud of what u do. I am proud of what you do.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica , Yes I agree with all you write – I feel different today – spent time with family and it has lifted me no end . I often feel very isolated .

I am going to make a lot of changes in my life. I think I have just completed day 4.i lose track very quickly but by Payday on Thursday I will have started week 2. I have enough money to get by so long as no unexpected expenses arise.

I am feeling quite stressed tonight because I am behind with so much – and I can’t gamble  the night away to forget about it . 

Even though it Is late I might do some work now – if I was gambling I could easily go to bed at 5 am and tell myself I only need two hours sleep. When it comes to work I always convince myself I need my sleep. 

when I have stopped in the past one of the most helpful things was going to bed early – this willmean letting  go of support groups but the night time is when my urges kick in.

I am feeling relieved that the cycle is broken.

[lizbeth4]

It is always uplifting to spend time with those we love! I think it is easy for us to isolate. Our snow is over and we are heading into a little warmer weather. Time to be outside more. Always makes me feel better.
Change is good! Hard sometimes but usually for the best. Don’t cut down on your sleep too much. It has a way of catching up to you. Take care.

[charles]

Hi IDI,

„Today I know it’s nothing I have done that has made the difference.”

I have to disagree. You havent gambled for the last few days because of the barriers that YOU put in place. Take the credit, well done.

[i-did-it]

THank you Lizbeth and Charles for you posts .

Charles – that’s what I have been trying to explain- I have put nothing new in place! Just suddenly I seem banned everywhere – it’s so strange !

[Nick]

Hi idi thanks for your thoughtful post on my thread i need some empathy right now, your doing very well like charles says. One day at a time is what i’m doing. i have also got on spread sheets in a file on my compute, budget, everyday spends, most important one is the one day at a time diary on a spread sheet i fill in day – date – month – then fill it with green background if i havn’t gambled that day it shows how much progress and recovery im making.

[vera]

Just touching base, IDI to see if you got through payday without any „issues”!?!
I can’t believe that I’m not in the red. I have been living a fairly frugal life but also have had a few outings with a couple more planned before Lent kicks in. I intend STARVING myself for the six weeks.
I hope you are building on the PLAN. Through you, that plan rescued me when I was in the deep „scutter”.
(Are we allowed to say „scutter”here???)
Don’t let the fatcats take your money , IDI.
Instead of saying „I won’t gamble” just say „I won’t allow anyone to rob my salary”.
Be good!

[i-did-it]

Thanks Vera and Nick

Gambling addiction is a progressive illness .
I am in shock at the sudden and steep progression I have experienced in the past week or so.
Shocked enough to take action and to find a new determination to stop.

It occurs to me that I haven’t really been determined to stop. I have wanted to stop losing money but I haven’t really wanted to stop gambling.

It felt suddenly that my brain has been completely hijacked – it couldn’t carry out any function except gamble.

For the first time I want to stop gambling . I don’t want to feel like I have no control over my brain or its actions. I don’t want to feel brainwashed and enslaved. I want to be able to release that knot in my brain that feels like muscle spasm and expel
all the gambling toxins.

It’s time.

[Jezi]

Hi idi.

Realisation and determination are key factors when it comes to qutting. I understood that i was hooked beyond control for a long time before realising that i could not do it on my own. I think very few people can. I had high expectations of my own abilities to quit without professional help once i reached out ( on this forum for example). It did not take long though before i had to let my guard down and seek out for help elsewhere too. Pride was definitly a main factor for not seeking out for help in the past. Im still very ashamed of myself when i go to the counsellor and ga but it helps and i feel a little lighter each time i walk out.

Im sure that if you are determined and willing to get help you will make it. It’s a long walk but it’s going to be worth it in the end.

Have a great weekend xxxx

[Monica1]

I think we realise how progressive the illness is when each time we binge or have a stint the aftermath. For me it was always a deep depression that sometimes took weeks to get over. I decided I didn’t want that in my life any more,. It really is all consuming and it is difficult to enjoy life. The first thing I learned one December 29th when I called the National problem gambling clinic and for some weird reason got straight through to the director was how she told me how progressive this all was. And it is until we are so far down in the do that it takes a long time to come out of it, my rock bottom was nine months long. And I still didn’t stop after the National problem gambling clinic. It didn’t help me at all. Then one day we go too far as I did and we can’t surface out of it, we risk Ill health mentally and physically.
I am glad you have come to the point when you really know that it is a toxin you no longer want in your life. I know for sure I don’t want all that comes with it. My last big gambling session lasted nearly 48 hours with only brief sleeps in between, it was all consuming and not nice. Life can and will get better.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Jezi and Monica

It feels strange to not want to gamble. It feels strange to not see gambling as a solution. It feels strange not to be fighting urges or counting days and hours. It feels good – I hope it lasts.

I did something new this week – I stood up for myself and despite attempts to intimidate me I stood my ground and let someone know that I found their behaviour unacceptable. They are probably still recovering from the shock but OMG what an instant change in their attitude towards me, which has changed from dismissive to trying hard to get into my good books !
I have learned that being respected feels better than letting things go to avoid conflict . What a shame I had to wait half a decade to learn this!

[Steev]

Any change in behaviour or circumstance is bound to feel strange at first … it will pass and become the new norm. Part of being the new you! I found the biggest trigger when I changed my lifestyle was boredom – and feeling that at least gambling would give me something to think about. When I (inevitably) slipped it did – and how! But eventually I decided that I didn’t need that lesson and learnt to ride out the boredom.

Now I am letting the excitement of not knowing what the next day will bring keep me away from boredom. Next week I sail for Ireland. To start with I will be in a little cottage in Donegal – not even a shop for miles. Should be safe from temptation. I hope you are too!

[Nick]

Hi idi your last two posts are absolutely brilliant you sound full of confidence and positivity , you say you waited half a decade , well idi the waitings over 🙂

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev and Nick
I haven’t gambled this month.
I shocked myself at the level I could stoop to and I think it has reset something in my brain. Can shock reset your brain?

I had a few thoughts about gambling which I was able to dismiss easily because I found myself thinking I really don’t want to. Actually the thoughts were more about coming into money.

My life could actually be getting better.

[jen3]

Hi IDI! Just stoped by to catch up on your thread. Your doing well. I have been more of an intravert on this site lately but know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hope to catch up in chat one of these days. Keep on keeping on.

[charles]

Hi IDI

„Shocked enough to take action and to find a new determination to stop.”

Use that shock IDI. Use the pain.

What actions can you take? What thigns can you do differently? What extra/different support can you start using/find out about/put things in motion for?

It is important to take those actions now because it is a sneaky addiction – the pain and shock will fae and that is when it helps to already have thigns in place.

Don’t „hope it lasts” Start putting things in place and make it last.

Keep posting.

[i-did-it]

I guess I have depended on taking action and putting things in place for so long , that the minute one of these fail I am back to square one.
I think my brain needs to change .

I have noticed that many of the people who sustain recovery have had this „brain shift” and often it is brought on by hitting rock bottom.
I’m sure I am nowhere near rock bottom but I reached lower that I thought myself capable of , and if that is enough for me to stop wanting to gamble I will take it!

[lizbeth4]

My last gambling episode was my rock bottom. It wasn’t from the financial mess because I will recover from it. But it was rock bottom mentally. I realized that one more binge will set me over the edge. I can’t take anymore of the mental or emotional stress after the gambling episode.
I hope that you have implemented some things to help you. Yes, I think that our brains can be rewired and retrained. This addiction is very sneaky. It’s easy to become complacent and gamble again. I’ ve been there!
Stay strong. You have my support.

[Steev]

Sorry I didn’t get much chance to talk in group tonight.

Rock bottom is a difficult one for me – because of course I have heard that many stories that feel they were more „rock bottom” than my own. I think I hit rock bottom when I kept failing to stop gambling again and again. Even when I was attending GA and working the steps – being in counselling. I had to control my own money as I was very on my own at the time – but I still felt really bad when I couldn’t resist the lure of the machine. It only really turned around for me when I began a new relationship with someone who didn’t know me as a gambler and I then didn’t want her to see me as one. When that relationship ended – I did flirt with the idea of gambling away all the bad feelings I felt but then I thought if I am hurting now – why on earth should I hurt myself more.

So remember the hurt and know that you do not need to keep adding to it by gambling. A new life Idi!

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth and Steev,

I’m not sure where the gambling urges are gone but it is nice to be free of them for a while.
I bought new boots last night and some lovely food in m and s .
I will have to be fairly frugal this month but it is nice not to be desperately watching money.
I am so tired today – I was up late therough no fault of my own. It feels like a much better tired than the ones after a night spent gambling. I think coffee will see me through the day.
I’m not sure if I hit rock bottom but I am happy to continue with my current brain shift. It occurs to me that the more I reinforce my new thinking the stronger those brain connections will be, so I need to keep really focused on reinforcing them and not allowing myself to be distracted or doubt myself .

That’s about it- this is probably the longest I have had gamble free since last summer, but as I seem to find it impossible remember as one gambling binge flows into another, I could read back and find I am totally wrong.

Onwards and upwards-I’ll take this freedom for as long as it lasts- my brain and my body need it
Xx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth and Steev,

I’m not sure where the gambling urges are gone but it is nice to be free of them for a while.
I bought new boots last night and some lovely food in m and s .
I will have to be fairly frugal this month but it is nice not to be desperately watching money.
I am so tired today – I was up late therough no fault of my own. It feels like a much better tired than the ones after a night spent gambling. I think coffee will see me through the day.
I’m not sure if I hit rock bottom but I am happy to continue with my current brain shift. It occurs to me that the more I reinforce my new thinking the stronger those brain connections will be, so I need to keep really focused on reinforcing them and not allowing myself to be distracted or doubt myself .

That’s about it- this is probably the longest I have had gamble free since last summer, but as I seem to find it impossible remember as one gambling binge flows into another, I could read back and find I am totally wrong.

Onwards and upwards-I’ll take this freedom for as long as it lasts- my brain and my body need it
Xx

[Jezi]

Im happy for you idi. Try to linger in all the positives of not gambling. Like you say it will grow on you.

Take care xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jezi
still gamble free and it seems mindset is what works for me.
Pmused to describe it as the switch has flicked and that exactly how it feels.
I have no desire to gamble beyond a thought to do the lottery.
I am going to keep doing what’s works for me – sometimes I think support, and all that talking and thinking about gambling just keeps the addiction alive and to the forefront of my brain.

That’s about it – it’s good to have a bit of freedom from it all
Xx

[jen3]

I am with you IDI! We are all the same yet so diffrent. We have to take what works for us and run with it. For the past few months I really have not had much of a desire to gamble. Thank God! .. I do know that I have to limit my time here and with other support because like you said,,, talking about it all the time just keeps the addiction alive. I have just come to the conclusion that the temporary pleaseure from gambling is not worth the long term circumstances. Keep doing whatever works IDI!

[charles]

Ok, so from what I have seen there is no definitive place for „Rock Bottom”. Yes it might be disaster – prison, divorce, the gutter etc but it doesnt have to be. For me it was finally getting fed up with digging holes, climbing out of them only to dig another, often deeper one. I was half way through digging another hole when I had finally had enough. So, we dont need to wait for the traumatic gutter moment – we can all make our own personal „rock bottom” NOW. One thing is for sure – where ever our rock bottom is, however low it might be – there is always another layer of $hit underneath it if we carry on gambling.

[charles]

Oh and it is great to see the change of mindset but I still wouldn’t preclude taking positive actions as well. Remember they will now be the actions of someone who wants to stop gambling.

[jen3]

Makes sense Charles. That was my bottom,,, being tired of digging holes, digging out etc etc. 

[i-did-it]

Thank you Charles And Jen.
The thing is I am taking positive action.
Tonight I went to an eat all you want buffet with my old bingo friend (who by the way has never once suggested bingo!).
Not sure how positive it is now as I lie in bed about to burst.

its just that I have removed myself from the whole gambling thing. I don’t want to even think about it or give it any headspace. I have moved on.

I could never plan anything when I was too wrapped up in gambling or not gambling .
Now I have plans and things to do .

Sounds strange even to me but it seems to work.

.

[i-did-it]

My thoughts today I have shared in group but I don’t think anyone really got what I was saying .

I cannot understand that I have no desire or thoughts about gambling .
I have had some ongoing issues from a recent accident and I wondered could I have damaged the addicted part of my brain?

Yes I did gamble after the accident but suddenly seem to have lost the desire.

So I googled .

And there is a part of the brain called the insula .
When this is damaged addictions to drug and cigarettes can disappear. I am wondering could I have damaged this part of my brain and if so will this effect last ?
I have noticed another change also .
I have always been quite hyper – I would say perhaps I have a touch of ADHD.
I could never sit patiently and wait for people to finish their sentences . I have noticed this for my whole adult life and my interrupting is probably my worse quality . It is kind of like a gambling urge – the need to say what’s in my mind builds up until it explodes out and I feel a sense of relief it has been said. I also feel annoyed with myself that I couldn’t be polite and wait.

Recently I am able to listen for absolutely ages and with great interest (I was always interested although it didn’t come across like that ) to people talk about their grandchildren, their pets , their favourite movies etc.

I find myself being included in things and receiving invites from people I have worked with for years, where I would never been on their radar before.
I must conclude that something To do with the accident has impacted on my brain(I did get a really bad bump to the head).

Of course I have some negative post accident issues which are proving to be very stressful and annoying – reduced ability to focus, issues with my sight, speech (word recall) and memory . These are minor and I think they are improving .

So perhaps the scientific world is too focused on dopamine and highs, -maybe it’s time to look at the forgotten brain insula. Try googling and let me know what you think .

[Nick]

HI idi ive just googled and had a read „A small part of the brain and it’s profound effects” ( insula) Very , very interesting. It clearly says before an addict takes the drug the insular is activated. I had a brain scan several years ago which was fine but they did say i had several „lesions” which they said was normal in any brain , i wonder just exactly where those lesions were.

[Steev]

Yes I tried to talk more with you about your research but problems with the chat kicking me out coupled with a poor internet connection last night made that difficult.

The nearest thing I have heard of is someone who successfully sued a drugs company for supplying a drug that turned him into a compulsive gambler. Apparently that drug affected the insula. It occurred to me then that if a drug can turn someone into a CG then surely another could turn the CG urge off.

Knowing that there is probably a physical reason why I am a gambling addict helps me to see that I am not „weak” or „stupid” for what I have done. It is part of me as much as my poor spatial awareness or the fact that I can make lateral connections perhaps quicker than most people.

I am not sure where else to go with this – I assume you are not recommending that people have a bump on the head to try and cure them of addiction. If you feel it has taken the urge to gamble away then that’s great – as long as you don’t try and test it out by gambling!

Thanks for your post on my thread. Even here there are temptations as I noticed the local gas station had a large sign outside urging people to play the lottery. Thankfully the view out of the window is just of sea, mountains and rain. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[i-did-it]

Nick, It might be worth checking out a little more about those lesions and perhaps even the knowledge of them might help with gambling urges.it takes away the blame.

. I cannot believe the freedom I have right now. Of course it may be my imagination – but I don’t care , I will take it! Steev, temptation is everywhere  and the lottery, both the uk and Irish ones are sneaky – in that they make gambling ok for everyone.. Of course we know it is not ok for us.

I did read about a drug for Parkinson’s which is well documented in causing gambling urges- so I get what you are saying .

I broke my lent last night , and drank wine . Amazingly once I found myself getting tipsy I went home eArly – I am always the last to leave a party and often drink more once home .

It occurs to me today that this too could be something new happening with impulse control in my brain. Again I don’t know but I will happily take it.

Today I feel happy and have no regrets. Life is pretty good . I feel happy and know my destiny is in my own hands rather than dependent on some alien addiction which has invaded my brain.

this is life as it should be 

[i-did-it]

Not so happy today and a little panicky about money .

I seem to have had a lot of large expenses this month (car trouble) coupled with a payday binge at the end of last month.

However I am also looking forward to next payday and knowing it will be the start of an improved financial situation.

Today I am wondering how I could have thrown so much away – not really regret but more astonishment at my stupidity.

People say it’s not stupidity it’s addiction- but I thought I wAs too wise too be brain washed.

I guess I this is where accepting what I cannot change is important .

Looking forward to a frugal few weeks – roll on payday -18 days to survive

[Jezi]

Happy to read about your newfound freedom. I too have had major problems to stop drinking when i start. Not around the kids but if im out with friends or if the kids arent home.

Im glad i could make you laugh ( or more so my dog). She thinks she runs the house, but actually doesnt lol she is a tiny but very wise and determined little Lady. We are blessed to have her in our lives.

Very interesting what you wrote about the insula- never heard of it but will read more about it.

Have a lovely day xx

[Nick]

Hi idi, just been reading your post saying about freedom, i certainly agree it’s given me much more freedom in i feel able to speak up and do things i normally wouldn’t have been able to do if i had been gambling . Recovery is good , i like recovery. 🙂

[Steev]

I was constantly worrying about money when I was in debt – and I always got through somehow. I am sure you will too. The important thing is not to let the worry get to you. Find nice (free or cheap) things to do to take your attention away from it and enjoy life.

Hope to see you in chat again soon.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jezi, Nick and Steev,
Despite having some anxiety around money I don’t feel tempted to gamble – again it is great to have the freedom. I think maybe I have generalised anxiety right now but I know this is because I don’t have my escape.

Most months I would worry about money but gamble anyway.
I have no idea how i have managed to survive – I guess God must have kept me afloat .

I have enough gamble free days accumulated to start to think in a straighter way. I feel my old motivation coming back. This is reflected in simple ways – fresh cooked chicken for lunches instead of unhealthy packet ham, homemade fish pie instead of frozen convenience food.
I still have thoughts about winning the lottery – it is something which comes up a lot in work. I haven’t followed through with actually buying a ticket but I’m not sure if this is an urge, a thought or a reflection on the conversations I am having.

That’s about it!
Time to go back to sleep .

[Nick]

Hi idi thanks for your post on my journal, i’m just dodging the bullet she has fired toward me, enough said about it. I’m bigger and better than that ( Bros i owe you nothing ) . It is great as you put it „To think in a straighter way” , i’m 36 days gamble free now and never felt better for a long time 🙂

[IRockVX]

Great job both of you!

Yes I’m finding the thoughts and cravings and some times waves of depression hitting me as I climb through this (like you described thinking about winning the lottery). Going back and forth between waves of oxygen/deeper joy and anxiety/paralysis about not gambling.

Let’s keep going! Gamble free day

[i-did-it]

Thank you Nick and IRock ,
I have passed the two week mark- it’s been quite a while since I got this far.
I has attended quite a few support groups and also talked to some people outside the group and I find the urges are worse now.
Perhaps I am one of those people who does better forgetting that gambling exists.

[charles]

IDI, sadly the urges do return. The pain fades and the addiction creeps back in. That is why the best time to take the actions that will make your next bet less likely is now, before your mindset changes. By actions I mean concrete barriers, starting the steps to engage with additional support etc

If we aren’t prepared to take those steps when we are hurting then we are even less likely to take them when the pain fades and the urges return.

I hope you keep engaging with support and I look forward to hearing the positive actions you are taking to make your next bet less likely.

[bonnie62]

Hi idi, Good to chat with you a few times recently. I read what you said about 'maybe being one of those people who is better off forgetting that gambling exists’. I know what you mean, I think. Sometimes when I emmerse myself in recovery talk and sharing and reading etc. , gambling is so so much on my mind. I need sites like this but I also need to put the subject of gambling aside and find my 'fun and joy ’ again with other subjects/activities/ interests/creativity. 🙂 Nice that you shared about having fresh chicken instead of lunchmeat ham. It’s the simple things that make life more delicious. odaat. Bonnie

[i-did-it]

Thank Bonnie and Charles
The effects of my recent head injury have improved considerably in the past week. I can now do almost everything I couldn’t when my head was fuzzy .

I feel a bitterness creeping in – bitterness over lost opportunities, stupid choices , others’ success, my gone to pot body , my disgraceful home and just about everything else.
Yet there is not one of these things I cannot change – it just takes some motivation and action – both of which I seem to have trouble finding .

A few of my old internet devices have been destroyed this week – I now only have my phone which has been restricted .
No opportunity to gamble.

My work is strange – I have always worked hard , been a “yes” person and genuinely done my best.
Recently I find that too much is being asked and recently I find I am saying no- recently I find my work life balance has improved even though some people are peeved. It is what it is.

[Nick]

Hi idi ,
thanks for your positive post to me on my journal, i cannot remember the last time i went this long without gambling . I’m now buying things and treating myself with my money and not money i think i would have won gambling. Because we never really win , in reality we have lost so much over the years we will never get it back . Keep moving on one day at a time . 🙂

[Monica1]

I wasn’t aware that the head injury you had had such a big effect aside from the insula we spoke about. The motivation will come and what we cannot achieve today we can tomorrow. Be patient and kind with yourself. You r in early recovery and there is a depression about how we let ourselves get so far down the slippery spiral. But that is the past, it has gone and all we can do is work recovery one day at a time. Gambling isn’t fun, period. Every human beiNg alive makes wrong choices in life. What is important is how we get up and out of the mire we created for,ourselves. For me, it will take many years, if it ever does, but I try not let that spoil my days. Others are more fortunate. And I put you in that bracket. What happened to your internet devices? As Charles would say, recovery is progressive. It does get better.

[kathryn]

Just sending you some good ‘chi’ from across the water.
Work life balance can be hard sometimes, I’m glad you are saying no! I find that a very difficult thing to do as well. I’m trying to do better on that front.
I’m in a situation at the moment that’s difficult to say the least. I can’t get into it, but I’m trying to just let the cards fall where they will. Thankfully gambling has not been an issue, although I’ve been hitting the bottle a little bit to relieve the stress, I’ve lost 5kg from lack of appetite! It’s not financial, although that is still stressful in itself!
There’s always something!
Take care friend
Love K xx

[Steev]

I thought I had posted on your thread yesterday – but I must have had a senior moment. I was just checking that you were okay.

I hope what I said was helpful and you will be able to make the best of the situation you are in. I wish you well.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Nick, Monica , Kathryn and Steev for your posts.
I have not felt like posting much but I also am having difficulty accessing the journal part of the site.

I realise that when gambling is gone I have very little in my life – no hobbies, lost touch with friends, no money , little interest in anything and zero motivation to even leave the house .

What a bundle of laughs I am!

[Steev]

you come into a group and give good advice and I always enjoy the chats we have – so there’s something that you do.
You could expand on that – why not join facebook (if you are not on already) and look up some of your old friends – it would be easy to get back in touch again. I don’t know what hobbies you had before – but there is bound to be a forum for whatever it was – which you could join and before long you would be chatting away.

It may not feel like much – but it would be a start and eventually you may want to pick up some of the things you used to do before gambling took hold.

Anyways have a good rest of the Easter weekend and maybe chat again soon.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Steev

I used to spend hours on this forum , trying to post as many as I could – to encourage and let people know they are not alone .

However, I now realise we are alone – this is a lone fight.
It is only me that can bring about change in my life

… advice from others , consolation when I falter, empathy when I am in pain , impatience and criticism at my never ending cycle of self destruction, patience with my latest doomed solution, bible quoted and mis-quoted to guide me etc…

I have found all these on the forums and in the groups – and at different times they have all served a temporary purpose and I have been glad of them.

However , I think the very best thing I have learned ( thanks Beem for pointing me towards SMART recovery) is that I have a choice whether I gamble or not .

IT IS MY CHOICE .

For the past week I have exercised my choice not to gamble except on Monday when I CHOSE to gamble. .
I must live with the consequences of the choices I make .
I am an intelligent adult – I know if I gamble £100 I will miss out on something else – something which I want or need long term or a treat in the immediate future .

This is not rocket science- using the word addict makes it seem as if it is outside my control. It is not .
I am a person who every day has a choice whether to gamble or not gamble , whether to go to work or call in sick, whether to eat healthily or gorge, whether to take exercise or not …
Today I chose not to gamble . It was a difficult choice because I would have loved to escape for a few hours.
But today I made a good choice !

[i-did-it]

I am on holiday and enjoying the sunshine. When I go abroad I am always reminded of how much I have missed out on but also reminded of how much I have to live for.

I wrote in my last post that I made a good choice that day.
Having reflected on this I realise that I am making good choices several times per day – because I have urges to gamble every few minutes.

The important thing is that I am choosing not to!
Life is looking up!

[vera]

Delighted to hear you are enjoying the sunshine on holidays, IDI. If you gamble a hundred you will miss out on something else but thankfully you didn’t miss out on your holiday.
For me, if I gamble a hundred, it always leads to at least a thousand so I can’t risk gambling a hundred. In fact, I can’t risk gambling at all. It costs too much and not just in monetary terms. It could even cost everything.
Any idea why you have urges to gamble every few minutes?
I never looked into SMART recovery. I just hang on to the tried and tested methods.
Maybe I’m a bit of a dinosaur . lol
ENJOY YOUR VACATION.

[i-did-it]

Thanks for your post Vera.
You are not a dinosaur – you are doing what works for you!
If its not broken why fix it? A lot of people fnd GA helpful despite the relapse rate.
In truth i wish i could find something to help me in GA – it is accessible as it is just about everywhere, but i will agree with you that i find some of the ideas are very dated/outdated and there seems to be a reluctance among members to embrace or even consider any new research or methods.

SMART also recognises that one size doesn’t fit all – in fact I am quite amazed that reading through some of the site at how closely the ideas align with the discussions I have had with Monica. Best of all SMART believes we can be recovered and move on with our lives rather than being forever an addict! As it used worldwide an in many clinics I assume they must have evidence of this but i haven’t got that far yet!

i will keep you updated on my progress- it can’t be any worse than it has been in the past.

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you. How was Berlin?
I can’t find how to get started on online SMart Recovery. Their site is not very user friendly on that level. I find the forums a little too quiet.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Monica
I just attended my first SMART meeting online.
You can listen to people speak and u can use a speaker and speak too or just type .
It was overwhelming for me to hear voices discussing recovery and how to recover .
I felt some type of pain bubbling inside me – I don’t think it’s any deeply unresolved issue- I think its the pain of addiction.

The last decade of my life has been about stopping gambling , covering up gambling , getting money to gamble, getting money to replace the gambled money , losing money , winning money , thinking about money and it is relentless .

I realise I never have “time out” to just be .

In the meeting tonight as I listened to others speak I felt hope .
I haven’t felt any real hope in a long time – It is a hesitant hope, but a sincere hope .

Perhaps this is the help I need .

[lizbeth4]

I’m glad that you are feeling hope again. I’ve never heard of SMART. I think we all have different paths to recovery. I’m happy that this is working for you. Take care.

[charles]

Listen to those people IDI. Some of them are likely to be not gambling at the moment – what things are they doing that you can apply to your own situation?

[i-did-it]

Thanks Charles and Lizbeth
That’s the things Charles – SMART is not about doing, ( which hasn’t worked for me anyway) it’s about changing your thinking !

While I continue to think of myself as an “addict” where is the hope that I can change ? It simply doesn’t exist for me .

If I think of gambling as an unhelpful behaviour – then I know it is within my control and it is my choice whether to gamble or not .

I will see if it helps me and report back!

[Author]

Posts