Hi Velvet,
Thank you again for your reply. I noticed the support group part but I hadn’t looked into it very much. I’m using my mobile so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to join without being on a laptop? . I think it would most definitely be a good support for me at the moment.
Lacking self esteem and confidence has been a huge factor I guess not only for me but my ex partner over the past 5 years. Does it sound bad to say even tho he’s only been out the house a matter of days and my heart is broken I almost feel a weight has slightly lifted off my shoulders? I’ve lived an unhappy untrusting life for so long now I can’t remember what anything else feels like. I don’t believe in happy honest relationships.
My partner began to realise about 5 years ago he had an addiction but it wasn’t completely sunk in, he’d heard of someone who had been to meetings and there was a series of questions and he could say yes to almost every one. He joked about it but I knew then he was trying to tell me something and slowly but surely the signs all began showing. It got worse and worse. I had my son and I stupidly thought love would be enough, I kno now love or anything else does not come into it. I paid thousands of pounds of debts to keep him safe, they came with promises each time, none of which were kept, although some lasted longer than others. Over n above this my mum was ill, my mum n dad were seperating and I had moved into a flat with my cg and was left to provide for us all. with the gambling haunting me. I was depressed but I didn’t breathe a word and just took care of my son. I could cry all day thinking about single moments that were destroyed with gambling, what I can say tho is whilst my heart broke, he didn’t seem to change, water off a ducks back I guess? So used to it? There didn’t seem to be an obvious change in him although now I can very slightly tell when it’s happening but still nothing majorly obvious. He attended meetings. Admitting he’s a cg, very rarely spoke about them unless I asked which I did. He had stopped gambling as far as I’m aware for about 6 months, he missed some meetings here and there and then I found out he had stolen from our son, swore on his life he hadn’t then later admitted it, that was it for me, I phoned his family stupidly thinking I need support, they’ll help. He moved in with his mum but there was no support at all. We knew we couldn’t be together, a year or so passed and he decided he had to change because he wanted to be with us, I think before things had got so bad in the relationship he didn’t even kno if we were to be because gambling affected so much. He started meetings again and stopped apparently for about 10 months and then had a relapse. Again he stopped and I moved into a new flat and as far as I knew he hadn’t been gambling, he had been paying his way etc which was a massive step as previously he wouldn’t have a penny, every single pence was used for gambling, he’d walk miles to pretend everything was ok when he’s gambled bus fare. He moved in and I’d almost forgot what that life had felt like till I started to get the feeling in the pit of my stomach, after a few days n full day crying n begging him to tell me what was wrong he told me he’d gambled his full wage again. We agreed to meetings and me to have control of money. I’m sure I’ve went into this so I won’t again and bore u but that hasn’t stopped him, he lasted 2 months n we are bk here again but he attended meetings, he admits he’s a cg, very aware n very much so a clever and logic person when gambling isn’t involved. I’ve asked him why n bombarded him with how could he do this to us n lists of the lies, he says he’s not looking for an excuses. It’s very simple, he’s cg and he done everything he could to hide that he’d gambled. Where I can’t get thru my head how someone can go on hol and pretend all is ok n allow us to spend money his answer is he never knew, in his head he would make it all ok somehow. He needs help but obviously meetings aren’t quite doing that for him right now. He’s currently looking for a flat. Something he’s never done before, he says he can’t be with family as he needs to sort this himself and that’s not helping although his family don’t want him either anyway. I fight with myself thinking maybe he’s just a liar. Maybe he’s just a horrible person. I see a side which takes up most of his being n it’s who I chose to be with, it’s the monster he is when I’m not there that’s killing us, it’s the unknown, I can’t be with someone I don’t think I actually know.
Michelle x