Day 88,
The frustration in my day to day gets to me sometimes. When you feel physicaly alone, and in fact are physicaly alone, the mind games start and my "CG" seems to take over. Pity, hate, desperation, depression, the truly ugly parts of life just seem overwhelming. I have things I can do, but just like early recovery, I only want to gamble, and do nothing else.
I’m at a point where i am suceeding in gambling abstinence but feel like a fraud when it comes to recovery. I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to have to work for it. I just want it to come to me, no strings attached. I am lazy, and tired, so so tired. The pain and the worthless feelings are only compounded by the people I let drag me down. Maybe thats it. Maybe by belittling me they can keep me under their thumb, a pawn for the taking, and using, because I am there when they need me. They control me with their low opinion of me, and keep me coming back for mistreatment. Body, mind and soul.
I don’t know when I will sober up to the fact that maybe I am suppost to be alone. God knows I’ve been alone for years, even being with the so called male friends I had in the past 3 years. They never wanted to be part of my life and made that clear up front. I just thought somehow, when I smothered them with my affection and treated them like Kings, I could make them love me. Somehow they could replace the self loathing, the loneliness, only to have it return and compounded, when they left me for the things really inportaint in their lives, lives I could never be a part of. Things that would never include me. What a great ready made excuse to run to the casino. I did that hundreds of times.
Knowledge is power. I need to wipe the slate clean and be reborn, somehow.
Thanks for the well wishes and points of view. They help, really they do.
I will not gamble today. It’s the only promise I will make to myself today. I have enough pain to last 2 lifetimes, I just don’t need anymore.
bettie
