[Liberty]

Dear people, ladies and gentlemen of this forum,

You do not know me, I do not know you but we are all
united in our affliction of compulsive gambling.
I am not even sure what I am going to say to you all in
my introductory post, sorry but I do not think that there will be
words of wisdom, answers to the unfathomable. I guess
right now I need to talk even if it is just garbled nothingness.
I am trying to type past this block of support us my profile and log out that is seemingly stuck on the page. 🙂 I know what I mean, you guys just can’t see it, or maybe you have that too?

The only peace, escape I have from the distorted mind and thoughts is sleep right now, shame I can not sleep forever, sleeping beauty am not, my prince would be freedom. I need a new identity, I don’t want to live with this disguise for what ever I do I can not escape from the me in the now, not gambling, but still running, too afraid to stop.
I did say no words of wisdom 🙂 you were informed.

[icandothis]

Welcome, The.End
I have no words of wisdom either. But, someday our Prince will come!!!

[kpat]

Welcome to this forum. There is a lot of support here. I understand about living with a disguise. Noone, including my husband, who gambled right alongside me, had any idea how badly hooked I was. I am still struggling, but I have some tools now to aide me. I hope you keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[jansdad]

Hello The.End and welcome to the forum. I went to bed too many times totally exhausted and disillusioned after losing big, losing huge, wishing I could sleep for a long, long time or wishing I could shrink, shrink to the size of a sand grain; must be possible I reasoned, we’re empty space for the most part, we just don’t have the technology yet. And then, shrunk I would hide and let the time pass until I forgive myself and more importantly until my gambling-caused problems are gone.
So I would crawl under my blankets, cover myself completely and wish that I could hide and that no one would find me or miss me. But the morning would come too soon, the unforgiving reality would enter the day and the magnitude of the despair I found myself in, once again, would dawn on me.

I haven’t gambled in 37 days now. My advise, for what it’s worth, is you need to trick (or reprogram) you brain into not gambling. Get a different perspective on the whole thing.

I wish you luck in fighting your demons.

[vera]

Hi The.End!
Welcome to GT.
We all wear masks.
We all want relief.
How many want a “cure”.
“Relief” enables us to keep running.
A “cure” will make you stop in your tracks and discard the disguise. Take off the mask.
The Brilliant post JD just wrote says a LOT!
Re programming the brain. Changing the mindset. Doing things differently .Waking up. Awareness . Call it what you will. We can only say/write words. What do they mean? Different things to different people , at different times.
Action is all that matters.
Small actions. One day at a time.
Now!
Today!

[Liberty]

Many thanks for your replies JansDad, Vera, Kpat and Can do this, I am overwhelmed that you have taken time to reply to me.
I will write later I just wanted to let you know that I am grateful for your messages of support.

[vera]

How are you doing The.End?

[Liberty]

Hello Vera, thank you for your enquiry as to how I am doing, very kind of you.
I am still gambling free, although I think the not gambling is the easy part, believe it or not. I am having great difficulty in dealing with other aspects of my life, so so tired all the time, completely drained and since my doctor doubled my anti depressant medications just over a week ago, even more tired, am not sure if the side effects are worth it but I am trying to persevere for the time being. I am off work at the moment and have been for the past five weeks, and right now I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to go back, which in itself is a huge problem as due to my financial mess, that will make it even more problematic than it is already. I have an awful lot of areas in my life that need addressing, so many things that I have run away from for years and I am at least at the stage of recognising this although that does not make it any easier to face these things, so as usual on hold hidden away in some dark place that I really don’t feel strong enough to visit. My biggest concern is that many times in the past, over the years I have stopped gambling for months at a time the last time prior to this was six months. I have destroyed myself constantly over the years, each time believing this was it, no more! Yet, I again find myself in the cycle of stop start, this time though I would say it is definitely the closest that I have ever got to jump off bridge time, as I can not continue with this pain, despair, worthlessness, guilt and hopelessness cycle any more, I am trying to solve the reason for the need to always run, always hide, always escape. I am struggling with the thoughts of no matter that I no longer gamble, no matter that I am trying to overcome this addiction, the damage has been done and I really have not a great way forward, unfortunately. What an absolute idiot I have been all these years, prior to this I lived a normalish (lol) life and no matter what folk tell me the reality is that has gone forever due to the chaos and mess I created, well done me. Anyhow despite all of this, I am here reading everyone’s stories and for the NOW which is all I have for sure I am not on that horrid rollercoaster of the gambling demon. May we all be well and free from this hideous addiction. God bless you all.

[I_Maverick]

HOw are you doing End? I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I am on meds, and am constantly beating myself up. If I had had the ability and sense to stop last year, exactly this time last year, then I would not be in this position. If I had worked harder on our big project it would have been finished sooner. Much sooner. I should have paid off the company debts when we had the money. I should have been more organised. I can go on and on. I am so close to killing myself. But what good will that do, I just leave a mess behind. Is that the answer? I hope not.

Please write again and let us know how you are. We love you loads. We are here to support you. I know that now I have given up gambling for 10 days this is just withdrawel. That will pass, but when will I get myself back.

All the best

[Liberty]

Hi maverick
Thank you for your message. I have followed your posts on the forum and understand how very difficult things are for you right now. I tend to spend far too much time thinking of the what if I had stopped at this time and that etc, alas it is to no avail, not one of us can turn back the hands of time no matter how strong the desire to do that is. I do not know who this person is that gambled my life away, until that started I was on target for a secure life, clearly I did not deserve that. I would like to say that I am now feeling great and all is hunky dory, but then would I be being truthful? It’s the crushing debt that I have Mav, knowing that I have ruined so many lives with this over the years, knowing that there is nothing I can do to change my situation even if I never gambled a penny ever again, I have created too much of a nightmare to recover from. This is where I am totally stuck, I have so many other things going on in this screwed up life of mine that in a way I feel like do what you want with me people cos I am past caring, it’s all too much of a mountain, they say you get what you deserve in life so that confirms what I already know I am worth minus nothing lol anyway Mav thank you for taking time to message me, I wish you well in your recovery I think you can be a success again just need to focus on what you are capable of achieving, show your wife and son how much they mean to you, you can do it Mav x

[I_Maverick]

Thanks for answering End. Your story hits home so much. I know I do not know the ins and outs, but this affliction of ours creates so many problems. I am so gutted by what I have done but actually I am not surprised. I guess we all know where this disease takes us – it takes everything from us and leaves us with nothing but depression, broke, no future.

IN a way I wonder if this was the best thing that could have happened to me. It is making me look deep inside of myself to find out who I really am and who I can be. It’s not a joke for me anymore – I have screwed up too much and the dream I invested in my business has crumbled, for no reason that I was more interested in gambling isntead of working.

I am sure you can get through this. Please keep posting – how long have you been gamble free for? I remember you from some of the early online group sessions I attended.

All my love for you to keep going one day at a time.

[Liberty]

Well yesterday, my ipad had a severe issue, it was continually turning itself off and on I could do nothing, so spent a while on main PC trying to troubleshot this issue, everything suggested would not work. I then read about a process to set into recovery mode via iTunes, again this was no use, However, I persevered and eventually (after many hours) I was able to get it to be recognised by ITunes and able to recover it. Unfortunately, this meant that it was totally reset to factory mode (new and clean how I long to be that Ipad) I had lost all my data pictures videos etc. etc. even the last pictures of my darling dog that died nine months ago (June 10th 2014) So in order to be in recovery mode, I think I too must need to wipe out the past delete it all, in order to start afresh, a sign maybe from above? Now I am left with a deep sadness as I am realising that past is past and can not be undone, need to accept it, and be in that recovery mode. A rather strange post but then….stay safe beautiful people.

[I_Maverick]

That’s a wonderful post End. Really wonderful. I too struggle with my past, doing back 20 years. All the weird decisions I have made which led to addictions.

I hope you start to feel better, my love to you and yours.

M

[Liberty]

Thanks Mav, same to you and your family.
Apparently deal with the past and the present will take care of itself. Maybe we need to start being our own best friend, as I certainly would not advise a friend in the way I have advised myself, nor would I think so badly of them.

[Liberty]

realisation interesting word am looking for the real I to talk to me, to be me not the false lyer the master of trickery and self mutilation.
I just mailed my counsellor and thought I would share some of it on here, wondering if anyone can identify with it or is it just me?
If I gamble I can’t stop the cycle until I reach a totally broken state it’s like until I can get to that I can’t stop. I have to make sure the pain is greater than anything else and gambling fits that quite nicely. So I ought to be grateful to the online casinos cos they can give me that medicine any time night or day, how considerate of them.
Something else I have observed is I need to chase, winning is annoying as there is no chase nothing to try for, so when you lose you then need to focus on the battle ahead which is of course winning your money back, now if per say by chance that happens too quickly that’s ok, increase the bet it soon will be gone again, then win it back again and by the time you have lost it all again the drug has taken effect, you feel all the things you have been avoiding feeling but it appears it’s ok to feel them as they are safe pain, gambling pain. It’s ok to feel completely worthless, full of fear, sucidal, cos it all to do with gambling right….
the closer I get to solving the mystery of my fragmented mind, the more intense the urge to gamble becomes, am I so afraid of myself, my demons that I have to destroy any chance I could, possibly have of a future, do I even deserve a future after all I have done over the last nine years or so, it’s all rather a mystery.
I remember when I was a naive sixteen year old (excusable then but now?) I earned very little money and I put and lost three pound fifty in a fruit machine which was a huge amount of money to me then ( no we are not talking pre war days either am not that old, besides that would be ten shillings and three pound I think, not that I remember that) after that loss I never ever gambled again maybe a few 2 p in a holiday campsite but I never like those places dirty smokey smelly in those days, and very loud. When I gambled online I never had the volume on its a dreadful sound those machines. A few years ago there was a programme on tv called The mint, some of you may not know this basically it was a tv quiz show that you could call up and if you got the right answer to the stupid question you would win a cash prize, I never even paid to call them as it was ITV you could get a free code via the PC so I just got through that way, I got through on a Good Friday won five hundred pounds and again two days later Easter Sunday, there were other shows too quiz mania I was always getting through there not always the right answers but often did and th cheques popping through the letter box fairly regularly, there was even one where you and to beat the presenter in the yes and no game over a timer, I beat him every time and it was like he thought when I got through not you again…. Anyway whilst spending all my time getting codes for the phone. There was an advert for a casino on the itv web page with free play bonus, intrigued I thought I will give it a go, as you can imagine I won usual thoughts this is fantastic why did I never think of this before, new career, forget the nine to five its not for me any more, the rest is history the history of a life of a compulsive gambler…..
The last nine to ten years think it was possibly 2006 Have been the most destructive, I could,not have damaged myself more had I committed crimes that received a ten year prison sentence in fact I think that life may well have been easier.
I am awake now, as I awoke from terrible dreams that I was unable to wake up from even though I tried desperately hard to wake up and real I se that it was a dream and nothing to fear.
I do not know can not see any clear road ahead , pitfalls and traps that Sane folk avoid, I look for them set myself up to fail every single time, I really Beleive this will kill me in the end this is not a threat that I am going to do anything like that, as I am having so many physical problems with my brain ( what you actually have one you are all thinking) I never used to have these head problems, I have vibrations in my head, no pain but very disconcerting, anyway a post for once from one of me ‘s well done End xxx Thank you

[Liberty]

since Jan 24 from you End? Not a great effort is it!

[Liberty]

whose there?

[Liberty]

but you are here.

[Liberty]

a lot of you are not religious and I know some of you probably are, everyone does it their way as in the words of old Mr Sinatra. When I was young, lived alone in London what always helped was the words of a very old hymn, I used to walk around London on a Sunday through the parks, spend hours in speakers corner singing lead me Lord, lead me in thy righteousness, make thy way plain before thy face, so true today as it was then I have lost my way, my light, my life my self.
No road is ever completely flat and smooth but the cracks and pot holes need to. Be identified before they can be tar marked over, how annoyed motorist get with the state of a lot of roads these days some roads seem irreparable left in a state for months at a time, until finally we get the sign ‘road closed for urgent maintenance’ weeks go by, still closed how inconvenient we cry. So pleased when it finally is open again no more detours, although it does have to be maintained periodically . My road has craters….

[Liberty]

what shall I do now , gamble gamble you cry
No, no says I
Hold the iPad look at the page,
See the people
Trying like you
Don’t cry don’t despair
There is someone out there.

[Liberty]

morning is here,
With the promise we get of a new day
Have I not noticed
The gift that’s given freely
Am I so soul less and proud
Selfish and unkind
Blind to our earth
And all its glory
Dragged into an abyss
Full of snakes
Hissing and spitting venom
All for the sake of satan and his crowd.

[Liberty]

listen to me you cry,
I can make you better
Trust in me
No need to think, no need to feel,
It will be just you and I
Don’t think of the future stay with me in the past
You are mine, I want to live feed me feed me (said with a deep deep controlling voice)
Sorry but I think you have to die.
After all all you do is lie!

[Liberty]

its apparent end that you are having some gambling urges right now?
Er er Sorry to admit it but I tend to agree with that.
So End, what do you intend doing about it as I don’t actually like you when you gamble, I don’t like to see how you are during and I especially don’t like how you are with the after effects, I do need to tell you that I am not prepared to just sit back and allow you to continue.
Well I er, thought I might try to distract myself, I did think of writing on that GT site, but then thought the folks there may think that we are mad.
Don’t worry about what others think End it really is none of your business, perhaps if you spent more time concentrating on how you think we wold not be in this mess.
but what if I can’t do it, what if I fail
no one failed from trying End they on,y failed because they failed to try.
Ok, then you sort it out, you seem to have the answers when I don’t.
All I am saying End is you make your decision, you make your choices and you don’t listen to me.
Ok, then I will make you stronger
You just have to be promoted.

I am sane, gambling compulsively is insane.

[Liberty]

I am not a drinker, I don’t particularly like the taste or the effects I have some Rum here, and a new voice lately and been suggesting to me that I should drink it, I really don’t want any replacement thank you. Mainly, the desire is to free this tortuous state , the only escape was sleep and now that is filled with horrifying dreams I am afraid to sleep, since when I am in a bad dream , I can’t get out of it and I can’t wake up, I even think I am awake when I am asleep I think I may possibly have been sleep walking today but since I have no witness to that I am not sure, I just remember feeling that I was walking around with my eyes closed. I think my account has been hacked, who did all these posts? Was I asleep then, don’t worry people there is no hacking here not of posts anyway.

[Liberty]

but nobody knows
Who is there,
Knock on my door ring my bell
Will I recognise you
Will I invite you in
Make some tea and toast
Even cook you a roast
Or will I be too busy
Screaming it’s not fair.

Identifiable song Mad world
Identifiable state withdrawal
Identifiable loss self
Identifiable past gambling hell
Identifiable future hard drive failure no response.

[theend]

Dear The.End

We share the same name here, and we share much more than that. I have been and am in a terible position myself. All you need is love and come clean. Tell a dear friend of yours your problem. To the deeepest details, so you have someone to talk to in real life. Someone who understands your struggle and someone who will go out with you whenever you need them because nobody knows the struggle as you and I, unless you tell thorough details.

[Liberty]

theend for your msg means a lot, I hope things are getting better for you.
I have had a hymn stuck in my head today from my church days,
This is it
1
What a Friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
2
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.

A really really difficult day today I wrote a long email to mother explaining my situation, my life over the last few years, hardest thing I have ever done but she knew something was wrong as I have not spoken to her for about six months now apart from a. Brief merry Christmas , I think it just got to the point am sick of living a life if pretence and lies pretending all is well ….anyway I gave her pre warning by email that there was an email coming that was going to be a big shock to her and to ,et me know when she had received that, she replied to say she had received that email and awaiting the email, I sent it a few hours ago now but have not received a reply as yet, I fully expect her not to want anything to do with me again, I am very low, each time I think things cannot possibly get any worse , my life never ceases to surprise me.
Am not sure how this is going to effect me I feel very bad for putting this on her, surely oblivion the protected safe is better having big regrets, I guess all illusions now shattered.

[vera]

Very cathartic posts The.End.I read every word.Thoughts lead to words. Words to actions and on it goes…every action has a consequence.
Give yourself time!
Life can surprise us when we least expect it.
I had a small surprise today.
Little things can make a huge difference in our lives.When we wake up!

[Liberty]

vera, I like your posts very much, you have great insight and say it as it is, that’s a wonderful gift to have.

[vera]

Did you hear from your mother yet,The.End?It may have been a shock for her to read what you sent her. Could you follow it up by a face to face visit and a heart to heart chat ?
Rejection can set us back.Thread carefully!

[Liberty]

Well its been a very tough couple of days, My mother sent me emails yesterday but the emails did not make much sense, since they were asking questions of which I had already explained in depth in my email of sordid life confessions. I asked her had she received the email explaining about Gordon moody etc, I then got an email back saying I have looked up Gordon Moody it is a site for people with gambling problems, I am glad that is not your problem though! So today, I said I will send you the original email again as either she has lost her memory or she has just not received it. So, there was me thinking yesterday that well she has got it and at least she is still speaking to me, all is not lost, but it turns out she never got the email in the first place!
I was then thinking can I really put myself through this again, resending its been awful the last three days I cant repeat ever.
So to cut a long story short (well I can but try) I have now had an email to say she has now received it and is going to a town in the UK to pick up her car and she will write later.
I went to the docs last night for my usual appointment he ahs changed my medication, but since I have done a lot of research on them, apparently they are given to anorexics and huge long threads with folk putting on like 2 stones in three weeks, I am not taking them, as I am trying to set my goal to return to work after the Easter holidays, last thing I want is to go back three stone heavier than I left they think I been having a great time sitting on my rear scoffing my face all day!
He also said if these don’t work he will have to send me to the shrink, I had to stop myself from saying even you have had enough of me then!
I still have the original medication so will have to go back before next apt to sort that out, next apt meant to be in two weeks time.
These damn head vibrations are still there in fact getting worse, it does not hurt but never experienced anything like it before, boom boom vibrate vibrate ….
My shoulders are heavy, my burdens are many …..

[theend]

Forget about what people think. The medications are necessary but are not enough. Your mother on the other hand is probably shocked and doesnt want to believe this, which is natural for a mother. She simply wants to see you well off. Call her, or bstter yet if she is not that far away go there and have a conversation. Tell her of your problema, since when you have this problem. tell her you are sorry and that you will make all this okay again.
My mother cried when i told her, and yours will probably too, but it is natural, you have to promise yourself to never seeing your mother like that again. The most important thing you should do is come clean. With your family and friends and your relatives. This is the hardest part, but a key element in recovery. Your family needs to know, so that they can keep an eye on you. So that they can check on you. You need to draft a payment plan to pay off your debts (it is impossible to be addicted and not having debt). In order to do this, you will have to call your friends or family whom you owe money. Tell them what the problem is. Unless they are loan sharks, when it’ll become very difficult. But, if they are friends or family, then they will understand, they will cooperate and you will be able to pay them back, without feeling the pressure which frequently is the cause of relapse. Stick to it man, better days are ahead.

[p]

Have you looked at putting things in place to stop you from gambling again.. like self exclusion, lowering your limit on cards, only carrying small amounts of money for lunch etc..
GA meetings, counselling, there is a whole lot of things we can do to help ourselves with this addiciton.. also the one on one helpline here is marvellous when you need advice.. or join in the groups here.. just dont gamble for this day.. just get through one day at a time.. just today dont gamble and wake and do the same tomorrow… dont focus on never gambling again a day is all you need get through.. well done for coming here and aiming for a better life

P

[velvet]

Hi Liberty
It seems to me from your thread that your mother is unaware of what your addiction means to you and how she could support you (and herself) in a healthy way. Would she be willing to come into the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays 20.00 – 2100 hours UK time and ‘talk’ to me or contact our helpline?
I have no idea why my CG has the addiction to gamble and I have not – but I do know that neither of us asked for it, nor wanted it. I think there is so much ignorance about the addiction and that ignorance leads to lack of trust and lack of empathy.
If the addiction is in a person’s life, whether they own it or not, in my opinion it is better for everybody concerned that a light is shone on it. It is an addiction that thrives on secrecy when it is active and I suspect your mother probably said and did everything wrong when you were gambling.
When our shoulders are heavy and our burdens are many it is great to share with another who cares enough to listen – if your mother hasn’t learned to listen maybe she could be encouraged to understand more.
Velvet

[Liberty]

theend, how are things with you?

[Liberty]

thank you for your msg. Yes, I have things in place, blocks but they can be knocked down in an instant, in fact when you really had no idea that there was a gambling session in the making…

[Liberty]

Thank you for your message. I will mention it to her although I can’t see her coming to the group. I agree wholeheartedly with the light shining on it, it loves darkness living in the undergrowth its own private world of destruction.

[Liberty]

well, here I am again, so tired really need to sleep but so many thoughts running through me, under me and over me, where do they come from? I just want to sleep, I have realised what my head vibrations are, since during gambling they don’t ever happen, they are a definite physical withdrawal symptom, so how damaged must my brain be? I wonder if anyone else has experienced, if heroin was my drug (and I thank the good Lord that it is not) I would be dead now. Please release me let me go …….

[Liberty]

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

[Liberty]

beliefs
I don’t believe
I can’t believe
I don’t know how to believe
Do I want to believe?
Do I need to believe ?
Yes yes
My belief, your belief
True belief
Faith.
No science, no physics
Truth
Yes the truth will set you free.
Believe,
Don’t give up the fight.
Sorry but there is a programme malfunction the machine is out of order.

[vera]

Profound words,Liberty!
I especially love your poem in the Poetry Section.Like you,I am a night owl. Sadly,I seldom sleep and dream of my future in recovery .Instead I lay awake,also with the tingling you describe, counting my debt .Subtracting instead of adding to it,even done mentally,can be therapeutic. As long as that mouse remains unclicked and the money stays in a safe place where it can’t be accessed, you can continue to hold your Liberty banner high!
(Sounds as if your mum is in denial, or just does not want to know.Either way , it’s outside of your control)

[Liberty]

I identify with all you say, the night at times is never ending but we know that morning will appear, our chance to start afresh, yesterday, today and tomorrow we have been shown that promise will never be broken, time for me to remember that and be grateful for the opportunities that still exist to make amends for all my wrongs and there is an abundance or those!

[p]

It was nice to talk to you in chat and i am enjoying reading your posts and your progress.. you are doing well keep going

P

[Liberty]

it was good to chat to you too.
I actually went out today, had a lovely couple of hours walk in the woods, it was so peaceful, the sun was shining, evidence of spring was around, yellow gorse just in bloom, little brooks and streams were flowing freely, it is the nesting mating season of the birds , three types of woodpecker dwell in these woods. I feel at home in the woods, I would like to have built myself a little den and stayed there, but then that is just the escaping, as I arrived back in my street, the song back to life back to reality came to mind,I seem to be filled with songs recently, a song for every reason., never mind the season.
Spring is quite possibly my favourite time of year, the promise of new life is all around, I would like to think that this spring something new could emerge from within me.
But you know want they say wishes without actions are just wishes and dreams forever to remain in that state.

[Liberty]

ok journal, I am here. How strange is this , I had the best day in more months than I care to remember on Thursday, whilst out in the woods, I could see and feel peace, since Thursday I have been gradually sinking lower and lower. Two days now, I have not dressed, not even brushed my hair today, what a mess I am. I feel so tired, so drained and I just want to sleep that is the only state that I can escape to, but then I lie awake at night. It has just become apparent to me, that a part of me is so angry with me that I went out on Thursday loved the sunshine the fresh air, how dare you be at peace even for a few hours, you do not deserve that after all you have done, so it wins yet again and I sink deeper and deeper into my well of despair and hopelessness.
I have so much worry about so many things that I have no control over due to allowing myself to succumb to gambling time and time again, I am not gambling I hope I can stay that way but the truth is I do t think it will make any difference , it’s too late all too late.

[p]

Hi Liberty

It is never ever too late.. just take this day for how it is, and keep going. Let the feelings come and go, they will change, its temporary, everything changes, please hang in there..

P

[vera]

Too late for what, Liberty?
Who told you it’s too late?

[Liberty]

You are a very thoughtful lady, your post is very much appreciated.

[Liberty]

No one told me, I just know, obviously I am not putting my life history, situation on here you never know who might be reading.
We all know what a life a problem compulsive gambler has led, if I was twenty years or even ten years younger then maybe I would have hope, today I really don’t have any. I know that negativity just attracts that but….
We all have stories of horror that any normal person without living this addiction would think, you def mad, why would anyone put themselves through it, time and time again? I cant even put my thoughts on here at the moment for I don’t like them and am sure don’t think anyone would want to read them. I sit here for hours sometimes staring at the screen waiting for new posts to appear, maybe my answer will appear in someone’s post you never know. Weekends are probably the hardest, no groups or anything, oh to turn back the hands of time…. Dear Lord I am so pathetic please help me lean how not to be so pathetic!

[I_Maverick]

I hear you Liberty. We are in the same boat, you and I. For the last 3 days I have suddenly taken to self harming, hitting myself in my head, scaring my wife and child and dog and my wider friends and family. I am so angry at myself for what I have done – how lazy and feckless I have been. How I did not have to be in this position, how every day spent feeling sorry for myself is another day I can bemoan. BUt I have to move forwards, somehow, I am not sure how. Just as I have to do this, so do you. And we can. Everyone says we can – it just seems so dark in the places where we are. I know where I am seems very dark, I have lost everything I wanted.

I won’t go into details here, but my inability to stop gambling last year, or even seek help before it was too late, is the reason of my depression. Maybe I would have been depressed anyway, but probably not. I know the gambling fed my depression and then the depression fed the gambling, tricking me into thinking I needed it somehow. Despite the time and money lost, the amount of times I said that was the last deposit, the last time I played on the toilet, the last time I played at work. But now, it got worse and worse and worse.

No more. I refuse o let this beat me. My family has been amazing, but still I cannot forgive myself. But I know I must. I must forgive but not forget. I am human. I am weak and full of frailty. But this can make me strong, as I increase the non gambling days.

I am looking forward to attending the clinic sometime this month, but do that I must put other affairs into order.

I know you can do it Liberty. I hope I see you on the group this evening.

All my love

Mav

[vera]

Liberty!
I hear you about not being a Spring Chicken any more.
I also hear you about not putting your Life’s history on your Thread. (I am actually avoiding my own tread right now for a number of reasons) However, I would like to just make one comment. If we give up hope, regardless of age we will find ourselves slipping into despair. That’s the last thing I would want for anyone, Liberty. Young or old! I watched this Site yesterday too. Even checked into non English-speaking groups. Maybe we need Crisis Support here at weekends?
Sometimes I delete everything I have written on other threads for the previous few weeks.

[Liberty]

Thank you for your message. I am quite worried to read that you have been attacking yourself physically, you don’t deserve that, you have put yourself through enough harm with the gambling Mav! yes it is dark place we are in, I guess we have to fight for the light. Time comes when we have to say enough is enough, its do or die for me.
The urges are incredible, how can it be possible to have such a desire to do something that has caused you so much pain and destruction. I know you have said in the past about other addictions you have had and overcome, but for me I would never have touched drugs, heroin and the like alcohol to excess, why because I knew that there is a possibility of becoming addicted, I really had no idea about gambling addiction how naïve was I? or is it that it is not really known for the destruction it causes, even when you see the signs on site gamble responsibly, (to me that did not send the msg you could become addicted) I am responsible for my addiction no two ways about it but I never knew it was addictive if that makes sense. Anyway Mav, I was in topic group which was Addiction topic with Charles very good talk and then the group after, never saw you in either of those which was a shame, I hope you are ok and I hope you get your place at clinic this month too.

[Liberty]

How are you? I see you popping up everywhere, helping others, I hope you are finding time to help you too 🙂
Crisis support 24/7 here 🙁
I was at two groups tonight, missed seeing you in both, I had a realisation a short time ago, obviously I have been taking the wrong medicine for years, as it has been poisoning me, but the situation is that the poison seems to be the only release from the state it caused, what a paradox.
Non English groups, maybe I could lean a new language on the weekends……
despair….. takes away hope what a thief.
Did you ever go to a group and come out of there feeling real bad for being the biggest whinge bag ever? probably not, that’s me today, sick of the pity, sick of the tears …….

[vera]

Been to all those places and shared all those emotions Liberty!
Time for drastic action now.
Yes, I’m helping myself. Bit like shutting the stable door after the horse escapes but
Better late than never!
In the non English speaking groups there is a common language.
Gamblenese! (I stole that from SJ’s “Typonese”!)
Not all poisons kill, Liberty! Only the corrosive type! We can spit the others out!
Yesterday was rough. Luckily I have “off site ” help from a couple of GT members!
A Lifeline!

[Liberty]

Gamblenese! a language I want to unlearn.

Good that you have your lifelines, I was thinking of cats but that’s nine lives isn’t it….
Good to hear the horse is safer now. x

[p]

Hey.. just keep hanging on.. if you fall get back up.. if it takes a thousand times it does but it just takes that one flick of a switch in our brain and something changes to want recovery so so badly.. i think it was more survival instinct for me..
You are doing good being here sharing your pain.. dont ever feel you are whining, i used to too but this is what this is here for.. to work through our gamble free days and any days we gamble too.. this is to help us on our journey for a gamble free life and there are so many emotions we will go through to get there.. they are all ok, they are ever changing too. the sadness , the depression, the pain is all temporary too.. just hang in there, hope to see you in group again soon

P

[Anônimo]

Liberty , thank you for the beautiful reply in my thread. I think for the first time ever I am being honest with myself about my gambling .. I gamble because I WANT to..

I find that the non English groups are usually empty and I have met up with people in those .. Just type as normal.

If u feel like meeting up in a group post on my thread or in the meeting place forum.
As for being a “whine bag”… There’s noone in here who doesn’t get it. We have all had our bad times which is what led us to this site. By the way you are NOT a whinge bag.. You share your bad times with us sometimes which helps us all.
I have been doing a lot of whinging recently ..

We all need to stop gambling .. It means we can escape other issues but they are still there dragging us down… Like clutter in a cupboard that we are afraid to open in case everything g crashes down around us .

So please continue to share . Write loads on your thread . Avail if the support on here … And rem .. You are worth it!!

[Liberty]

I have been avoiding this thread 🙂
It was good to chat to you in group earlier.
Not feeling so good at the moment, in fact when do I ever? I can see the garden from where I am sitting, its a lovely day, truly spring here, not a cloud to spoil the view, then the song comes to play…
I look out at the world, everything looks the same as it did yesterday (except it was not sunny) It may look the same but there are changes, ever so subtle but there are changes maybe I am just not looking carefully enough, need to open my eyes and really look what is there. My world, the world.

[p]

Hey well done you are here posting on your thread. i love it, i love seeing peoples stories, their days.. its awesome getting an insight into all our lives with our common desire to get out of the madness..
Hey.. yes look out at that world and see you in it.. you are part of it, you are not disconnected from it you are part of it.. please never feel like you are whinging, i have gone through week after week of whinging here just do it, it helps to get it out.. my posts arent all sunshine and lollipops.. only sometimes, thats life.. all different moods, seasons, reasons.. just post everything, thats what this is here for..
Keep going liberty, get back up if you fall down even when it doesnt feel possible, it always is..

P

[vera]

Thanks for the chat tonight Liberty.
Very beneficial !
Hope you got something out of it too?

[Liberty]

It was good to talk to you.

[p]

Hows things today.. whats happening in your world.. looking forward to seeing you in chat again some time soon

P

[Liberty]

Thread resurrector 🙂
What can I say maybe I will just tell you about the strange dream I had last night, where I actually flew and when I was flying (I have-not flown for a long time, ) I remembered that I can fly have flown in the past, probably sounds crazy but in that world anything is possible.
Here is the dream :
I was in this huge, high building and this really evil being was after me, chasing me I was trapped at the top of this building. I had no way of escape, apart from to jump out of the window, but that was better than to be caught by this evil being. So I jumped to my expectant death, but I didn’t fall as I fully expected to, instead I glided away with the being watching me in anger from the window.
As I flew, I remembered how well I can fly, but then I remembered there were others in the building that I could not just leave behind. Hence, I went back, knowing that the evil being was there waiting to destroy me. I went back to the building even though I was really, really scared there were others at the building at the very same window, too afraid to jump, so I grabbed them by their hands and held them up and we glided across the night sky. I taught them that they could fly just like me.
So I guess asleep, I must be some kind of Superwoman! Awake that is a different matter altogether.
I realise that my gambling was my medicine, to relieve the dark depression that paralyses me, yes it was a poisonous medicine just like any drugs unprescribed. Now without the gambling, I am not experiencing the supposed joy of recovery quite the opposite.
There is no joy in anything at the moment for me, maybe I just went too far to come back from it still I exist but that is not to live.
I hope you are doing well P, thank you for caring.

[p]

I understand you.. i know that feeling, i get depression to the extreme.. but it changes, it will change for you too, chances are you wont feel like this permanently at some point it can change, get help for it, in counselling, or meds, or joining a group or something, write about it, its ok, you will be ok.. just get support. I understand i really do ive had it my entire life but some periods get better than others.. take care of you and do somethng nice for yourself, go the movies, get your hair done.. take time out for you, a library, a park, something.. you do deserve it

P

[Liberty]

Yes, I have been dealing with the depression for years, and as you say sometimes better than others in fact I think I have probably had it since childhood things that happened then. I guess they do tend to have an impact on your future life. I was thinking yesterday about this cupboard that I had in my bedroom as a child, it was high up and was kind of my toy cupboard and junk cupboard, I used to go inside it and sit in there for hours, not being able to move for any movement would make a noise due to all the rubbish in there, it would be complete darkness and no one would know I was there, what kind of normal kid hides in a cupboard for hours, I think my gambling was my adult cupboard so stopping gambling for me has take my cupboard away.
The last few days I have had terrible cravings at first it felt like for something sweet, so I got a load of sweets, but when I had eaten them the craving ‘missing’ feeling was still there, then I ate some crackers and cheese, so its not a physical hunger then as it was and is still there. I have never felt this before, its not like am craving gambling at least not consciously, I don’t even know what it is but it is not at all a good feeling, hopefully it will lessen or I will at least find the key to what it is, but it’s not sweets! not Crackers! even if I am slightly crackers….
No news, really why would I am not doing anything. That will do for now.

[Liberty]

The depression seems a little easier, although I have another health issue that has been on going for a few years now so I need to do something about it, it seems to be getting worse and its silly really as you really don’t need to just put up with pain on a long term basis, especially when you know there is a remedy, I have had a fair bit of surgery and I guess that puts me off, but I am going to sort it out.
Today I received notification from my debt management company that all my creditors have been notified and my plan is up and running with the first payment in a week time, I am just worried about the companies reactions but I can do nothing about that and so I need to quit the worrying quit the constant anxiety using the Stop technique I have been advised by Richard Gt too. It does work but I am getting addicted to the word stop now!
So what will be will be. At least I have faced things, that I hid from for many, many months and all the time I was hiding, the addiction was still very much in charge no matter how much I believed I could control it, because it was telling me that just that one big win and it would all be put right and I was still believing it, well hoping that it was true, of course it was not true and all it did was add to my mountain of debt.
So much pain, despair depression hopelessness for so many years all because I was not prepared to admit total defeat. Not prepared to admit I am powerless over gambling, and the only chance left for me was to Stop then I can win, start to win a life back.
I am oh so grateful for all the help and support I have received to date from GT from the Gordon Moody team and the people on here who are just like me, who understand what it is we go through with this nasty, vile soul destroying addiction.
I have along way to go, but any step forward no matter how small is worth so much more than the life of a compulsive gambler that life to me is, well its an alien life its not a life at all, its a living hell.
Liberty moving forward over and out xxx

[Liberty]

So Its now almost half way through Saturday, after not having any sleep harldy at all Thursday night due to being disturbed by the earth tremors and shaking banging house, I was so tired last night fell asleep reasonably early for me, only to wake up at about three am with tremendous gambling urges and full of fear, so I have no idea what I must have been dreaming about, its like this gambling monster can even get to me while I am asleep is there no peace even in sleep!
I did eventually get back to sleep but even though I have felt a lot lighter in spirit over the last few days that kind of left me with that horrible feeling of bottom of the pile in life. I am wondering if the gambling urges appeared during sleep due to my pay reaching my bank account yesterday, if this is the case which I think it probably is actually, how devious and crafty it is thank the good Lord for helping me make the choice to ensure no access, I can’t be robbed anymore by my gambling demon.
It is so sad for me to realise its still there waiting in the wings to get back in, through sleep anyway it can, I need keep my no access rule, for now that’s the only way for me. I need to stay safe last night I felt so unsafe so full of fear and anxiety but it will be ok we keep you out, you are blocked, I will pay my bills, we will eat we will survive, I will not gamble, I can’t gamble, I don’t want to gamble leave me alone.

[Anônimo]

Hi lib, although I have chatted to you in the groups , and we have a lot in common, I seem to have completely missed your thread.

I have read some if it .. It is a really good thread.

The dream where you could fly ….
I think your subconscious was maybe saying that jus trade a leap of faith .. You can fly ( not literally) !
In your dream I notice u went back for others .. And you taught them to fly. You put yourself at great risk by worrying about others ..
Maybe for now you need to he really selfish and worry about u… Not worry exactly but get to know you as a wonderful individual … Appreciate u , care for u .. Love u!!

You are caring , intelligent and deserve so much.

I hope the debt plan works out Z think I’m going to get one myself when I separate my money from hubby … U could have had our furnaces sorted years ago but wasn’t “allowed” to!!!

Take care and thank u for your much appreciated Los ton my thread ….

[Liberty]

Great plan with the finances a manageable repayment plan so you can learn to ‘live’ again freely.
What a lovely lady you are
right back at you…
“You are caring , intelligent and deserve so much.”

[vera]

I love reading your thread, Liberty. And thank you for posting to mine.
Strangely, all my worries about money, debt. loans, gambling etc etc just came to a standstill for a short while on Friday when that crazy woman sent me flying into what could have been kingdom come!
I found your “cupboard” story very interesting. When we were children I remember playing in the wardrobe. I think it was the CS Lewis influence. I thought if I got behind all those heavy coats and tweed skirts, I would be in Narnia….Maybe that could be at the root of my gambling too. Escape from Real Life.
Like you, I tend to put off dealing with things. Another CG trait maybe. I avoid dealing with financial and medical matters especially. Call it cowardice!
Well done on getting a Payment Plan in place. Let the experts do the worrying. Liberty. It really is outside your control. You know for years, I thought I was the Managing Director of the Human Race. Now I know I’m not. Really not!!
There are many many things outside my control. And yes, I do admit that I am totally powerless over gambling. It would be like jumping off a tall building and hoping to fly. (Maybe that explains your flying dream!)
As for the other dreams and the wakening with urges to gamble, I think these things are all par for the rocky course. I often woke and dressed myself and lay in the bed like a tense cat waiting to spring on a timid mouse, waiting to make the hour’s journey to be outside the casino when it opened with not a minute to spare. I would play games madly on my mobile phone as I drove (I’m very ashamed to say) and would have 50 euro in my hand ready to insert in the machine on arrival.
CRAZY crazy c r a z y…
If anyone told me that story I would say they should be locked up for their own safety.
Enough thread hogging. Charles will bawl me off!!
Gambling is for losers Liberty.
We are winners!
I hope you depression lifts.
Health is wealth but sometimes we just have to ride the storm.

[Liberty]

I am glad to see you posting on my thread, I have missed seeing you around as much in recent weeks. I hope that you are feeling more comfortable today after the accident, it must have been a terrible shock to you, I had an accident in 2006 I think it was had to be cut out of a zafira, not hardly driven since!
I did get a few thousand compensation or perhaps it would be more accurate to say some online casino did! I have only just remembered that. Yes, when you look at what’s really important in your life when faced with the accident, it wasn’t gambling, debts at all in that moment none of that mattered and as I saw you write somewhere, gambling so so much worse!
I loved the story of Narnia, read it too unfortunately my hiding was not a game, as I got older probably early teens I progressed to hedges….
I used to play a lot of games like candy crush got up to level 500 odd but I have not played in a while now, did quiz apps too but even those I would have to play until I was the top player in the UK, so excessive and addictive activities I am just leaving well alone.
So today has been a day of nothingness, simply because that is what I made it, its my moods one minute manic next depressed, I was getting rather manic I felt and am sure that is a trigger for me, seems to be either I feel manic or I feel exceedingly depressed, how about just normal even keeled?
Terrible urges today and I know why, need to sort that out tomorrow too late today now but I will.
That’s me, another day and not another pound wasted, gosh the urges cause such nausea but remember this nausea is nothing like the aftermath and never will be.

[Anônimo]

Liberty, are you posting more than before? I have just read your post on twilight’s thread and I was astounded!! It was like someone had presented me with the truth for the first time!!

I never smoked or did drugs. i monitor my alcohol intake- having went off it completely for eight years once I discovered I was pregnant.. Why? Because I know these things are addictive and can destroy lives.
Like you no one ever told me gambling was addictive! No one ever told me that I could become an addict.. Looking back I can recognise the addiction in my mother and in several other family members, but I probably would have never started had I known.

Like you I didn’t know it could destroy lives. Like you it isn’t something my “selfishness” leads me to do.

I wonder is there an addiction we could substitute for gambling- in the way drug addicts are moved onto safer drugs? Is there a way to trick our brains into receiving the “buzz” without spending our last penny?
You have given me so much food for thought!

You have also made me feel a little less self hatred!

Thank you Lib!

[Liberty]

The thing is for me anyway, I would not want another person to go through this, in actual fact I don’t think that many could cope as well as we do with it. What inner strength we must have to keep trying over and over, what pain we suffer, but I do think there is huge difference between a CG who is wanting to change, wanting to stop recognises the addiction for what it is, than a CG who has not recognised that it is destroying their life, which is where we all were before we recognised that we were addicted.
It is a selfish addiction, but that is not to say that the person is selfish although it appears that way, that we only care about us and our next fix, if only it were that simple then we would all have just stopped when we got to that point.
I think that with any addiction that people fall into whether it be food, drugs alcohol there are underlying causes, apparently there are two types of gambler escape and action, most of the time women fall into the escape type but not always. I became an escape gambler, during the gambling nothing mattered, the weight of problems past and present did not exist in that zone, when the pressure built up I knew where I could go, and for that time I was free of all my problems but of course I was not free at all, it was an illusion. All I did was create further problems for myself but interestingly for me the problems that I created gambling, were far worse than the unresolved issues that caused me to gamble, so all the time I was still gambling no chance in a million years of resolutions to what I was escaping from.
Then you stop, I stopped a fair number of times for long periods months at a time, but oh no I am addicted so urges cravings and the fall out of the mess and then absolutely no where to run to, no escape from me.
Facing up to the gambling chaos created in my life, is a task in itself that took me a long, long time to even begin to deal with.
I am not even sure what I am writing today, but I do know I rather have just my problems of me and not the extra gambling aftermath problems, a short escape from me at too high a price, my life.

[jennaraye88]

Hi liberty

I’m new here and and started my day 1 forum yesterday so I’m on day 2 – nearly over now. This post struck a cord with me because yo say that you wish you were the iPad and could erase everything from the past and start afresh. I so very much wish I could do that too.

I am receiving mixed advice about whether of not ‘starting fresh and erasing the past’ should be persued though. In my eyes, you can’t look forward if you always look back and you can’t feel good about yourself if others are secretly judging you. So, that being said, I have been in a relationship for 18 months now and I deeply hope he is the one, I love him dearly. He has no idea that I’m a (recovering) CG and has never even seen me gamble (I do it online and he works away for home nearly every weekday). My reasoning for not telling him is that: 18 months is still early days in relationship terms, the debt that I have racked up is all mine and I should hopefully clear it before we even think about buying a house together or marriage etc., I am so determined to never gamble ever again and continue to respect that I must never start because I can’t stop, But most importantly how can I expect him to still love me when I do to even love myself right now. I do t want to lose him.

So, to erase and move on – or to open up and hope it doesn’t ruin our relationship?

Thanks

Jenna x

[Liberty]

Thank you for your post and well done to you on realising that the only way to win at this is to stop. We can never erase the past, but we can learn from it and what I have learned is that this addiction is sneaky, crafty and it does not want to go away, if I had a pound for every time in the past I had stopped and truly believed that to be true, I be a far wealthier woman than I am today.
I can’t really advise you as to what you need to do in your relationship as I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. What I can say is this is a really difficult ‘secret’ to carry alone and I know that in order to be able to recover from it, you will need as much help and support as possible. It seems like you were an online gambler like me, do you have anyone helping you with blocking access on your computer?
Jenna, you said how can I expect him to still love me, you are not a bad person you have fallen foul to an addiction that you are now going to be doing your best to address, love is patient love is kind, you are still the same lady he fell in love with and you don’t just give up on someone who has a problem, but you do need to make sure that it is impossible for you to gamble on line so its good to get a trusted person to help you with that, because it does not just go away even when you are feeling determined to stop, well it never did for me anyway!
I will check out your thread Jenna, good to meet you.

[gov3]

Hello liberty

Welcome to our world , we all been there done that but maybe instead of bearing yourself congratulate yourself as it’s hard to admit having a problem.
However every problem has always have a solution you just have to see the bigger picture .
Life is certainly worth living and debts will waky as be there when we have a society who is based on materialism . This is the rute to all of our problems as we want more and more all the time . However when we stop wanting more and just be satisfied with what we have we will live a much happier life.

It’s not your fault whatsoever . If you made the decision to stop now you will stop it will be a hard journey maybe but it certainly will be a happy one .

Look in to meditation that helped me allot and maybe start reading educational books anything that takes your mind off.
Silence the mind and don’t worry about the future what is important is now and here .

Hope I am making sense lol

[jennaraye88]

I’m only on day 4 at the moment at the sleepless nights and wicked dreams are haunting me too. I worry every waking moment that I’ll let my guard slip just a little and be back to square one. A familiar place for me, square one. Like yourself I would abstain for a few months in a row at times, but I would always find myself back at that lonely square.

It’s payday for me tomorrow so I am not envisaging a good sleep, although all the barriers are in place so hopefully I can make it through tomorrow, just one day at a time.

I’m not a religious person at all really, but I do feel that these things are sent to try us, and like you say, we are very strong for being able to admit to this illness, seek help and hopefully recover.

I hope you are getting on ok, look forward to seeing more of you on here x

[Liberty]

great to meet you Jenna 🙂 It’s great that you have got your barriers in place to protect your pay in the early days it really is the only way.
Gov you are doing amazingly well you should be very proud of how much you have put into place to keep you safe from this demon.
I am not doing too bad except my anxiety has been really bad the last couple of days, even the littlest thing I need to do, sets me into I can not cope mode. Just getting ready, just having a shower is like a stressful task, an every day event like a mountain to be climbed. I think the anxiety has worsened as I was due to have an apt with a councellor yesterday which I did attend, however although the chap was a very nice chap I felt most anxious throughout the session which he picked up on and it did not lessen even at the end of the session. I have some difficulties relating to men, a lot related to past events that go back a long way and also I really have not had anything to do with men for years, gosh that sounds like I am a man hater but I am not it’s just that I know I won’t be able to talk to this man about certain things, I am already dreading next week so I think I am going to have to email and explain and ask if it is possible to have a female even if that means I have to wait a while, I am not sure if this will even be possible but I don’t think there is much point in going if it just makes me feel more anxious, I really don’t know, everything is such a struggle right now. In a way the first couple of weeks without gambling were a lot easier than they are now, I noticed that in previous stop attempts, it’s as time goes on things seem to get overwhelming for me and that was when the gambling option of escape became the release. It was never a release though not ever as I always felt worse after than I did before the event, I have to admit though that during the event I had peace, relief but so short lived. I guess it would be the same for folk who had a really good night out drinking with friends it was great until the next morning but multiply that hangover by about a thousand and you will be almost at the gambling hangover place, not nice not nice at all, so I can’t have that place anymore, I have to learn to deal with my anxiety and be brave. I have been meaning to buy this book called face the fear and do it anyway for a long time, I could not afford it though! Now, I think it is time I spent money on things that can help me, not destroy me, so I will buy it.
Yes, I just made a positive decision 🙂

[vera]

Why not give yourself three sessions with that male counsellor before you decide to switch to a female, Liberty?
That way, it will mean you are not giving into the anxiety like we gave into the gambling urge so often
“Receive your demons”!
I know what it’s like Liberty. I’ve been pushing myself for years.
The ONLY thing I can do with ease is walk into a casino and gamble my life away.
Strange, isn’t it since that action increases anxiety a hundred fold in the long run.

[kpat]

Hi Liberty
I think you are right to ask for a female counselor to help you. Anxiety is something that I fight as well. It kind of grabs me by the throat sometimes. Gambling does put us in a sort of trance, but youu are so right that it is short lived. I noticed that after I first made a seriuos effort at quitting, my anxiety got much worse too as well as depression, but as some time went by, it did ease up as time went by. I think your book sounds excellent.
Debts and shame make anxiety worse for me, so I can’t go back to gambling to help in my coping. It just starts off a vicious cycle of self loathing, that is intolerable. I still have urges, but I am trying not to give them anytime to take hold of my thoughts. You are doing so well to seek counselling, I am rooting for you!

[Liberty]

Vera and Kpat for your advice.
My anxiety certainly seems to have hit a new level since not gambling, so it was definitely my medication for anxiety,
I have done nothing about my appointment tomorrow, I was going to email the counsellor but decided I would speak to him about my concerns face to face, which is half way to being brave for me anyway.
We can advise each other, but of course the only thing for sure we all have in common is the compulsive gambling, advice helps a lot but we each have to find our own way and what works for us. I have many reasons that the male session is uncomfortable for me, it is not just because I relate better to ladies in general. Anyway I will see how it goes tomorrow.
The worst thing about anxiety is the fact it has no logic, half the time I don’t even know what I am anxious about, I don’t feel as depressed but I seem to have exchanged that for a bigger helping of anxiety. I have a lot of things happening within my family that I can’t make perfect, someone I love is suffering and I know that the problems she has have been caused by me, that’s a fact and I am fighting the self despise a lot of the time. The gambling did that, my gambling as I would never have suffered so much mental health problems if I had never gambled and to live with someone who is like that for years is bound to have an effect.
I can never get those years back, all I can do is do my very best to stay on an even keel and that can only be achieved by not gambling. Gambling has robbed me of peace forget the money, its the destruction of me.
I need to be able to make everything better take away her pain, I wish I knew how. How could I have let it go on for so long! How could it ever have been fun? actually fun stopped long ago. Maybe I should have called myself humpty dumpty……

[micky]

Hi Liberty just been reading through your thread it’s almost a mirror image of how i feel somedays, anxious, manic, depressed you are very honest and up front about it all and i like that ,i too have suffered from depression for many years now 🙁 There is hope for us all who reach out and for it 🙂 M.

[Liberty]

Very kind of you to post on my thread.
Depression is terribly difficult to live with and when we use gambling to escape from the depression all it does is make it worse, it’s taken me long enough t realise temporary measures like gambling are not a long term solution, gambling kills your very core an aftermath I can not endure any more. Some days my anxiety is so bad my legs won’t even move it’s like I have forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other, so consumed by anxiety, all the time I was gambling it eased it (temporarily) however, the situation that I now have to live with, (the consequences) intensify anxiety, it takes courage to face up to the consequences of my self medication, anxiety is based on fear I think and hopefully as I get more courageous the fear will lessen hence the anxiety will be arrested. Well in theory, but I have a long way to go yet, what’s that saying every journey begins with a single step.
This will be with me for the rest of my life, yes I will always be a CG, but I don’t have to live that life of torment in action I refuse.

[vera]

Looking at the consequences of gambling is terrifying, Liberty. It hits us in minor and major ways . Every time I see the postman , my heard leaps into my mouth for fear it will be a Bill I haven’t budgeted for. At the beginning of each month I ask “who’s birthday /christening/wedding/first Communion is it? and what is the minimum amount I can give for a present or even how can I avoid attending” The tightening of muscles is a clear expression of anxiety as is the racing pulse , blurring of vision etc etc. I can well believe how our arteries become constricted as a result of stress , bringing us to the point of a heart attack. My recent gambling adventures failed to relieve those awful symptoms. I used to give me some time out in the past. Not any more! On the contrary, the anxiety increased, even as I gambled.
Although I get over whelmed with debt and everyday expenses still, not gambling allows me to feel slightly less anxious and some days I don’t even think of money at all.
I hope you find some way of avoiding fear and stress Liberty and if you can’t avoid it, learn to live with it with some level of peace and less fear.
“Perfect Love casts out all Fear!”
Love really is the opposite to fear.
Did you go back to your counsellor?

[Liberty]

Vera, oh yes the dreaded postman, a good day is when he does not call, looking out of the window and seeing him walk straight past, is a good day!
When you say some days I don’t think about money at all, they really are a blessing, after all our worrying and anxiety does absolutely nothing to change our debts does it, I spend the day transfixed in fear what has changed at the end of that day, not a thing! Except perhaps my health and the stress on the body caused by the mind.
Yes, I went back to the counsellor yesterday I am emailing him later as I feel I know more about him than he does me at this stage, I thought counsellors were meant to ask questions as to statements you make, all he does is sit there and nod! the only thing I was asked was, how has your week been? I felt he was disinterested and quite bored lol
I think I have had more engagement waiting for a bus with a fellow passenger…..
I told him about a problem I have with one of my own well a problem she has actually, and how I feel totally responsible for it, self loathing etc etc he just nodded so I felt he agreed yes everything is your fault!
I think that was what happened to me on my last gambling spree, when I was even more anxious gambling than not gambling I gues you could say it was like due to the consequences so great the medication had worn off, due to over use I developed an immunity to the supposed cure, then I knew I need to mean business, and got rid of my beloved ipad (I miss you ipad) but I don’t miss what you allowed me to do, ipad you were an enabler!

So it certainly has done nothing to help me at this stage!

[micky]

Hi liberty pleased you like my three a day . I had the same problem as you with the councellor i told him at the first consultation what was wrong , 6 sessions later and no further forward i stopped them . I am on medication for my depression and it works when im well, im happy with life. I think one day at a time is the way forward with small goals along the way , bigger goals also to look forward to and the patience to just let them happen in time. i’m going for my walk a little later on today 🙂 M.

[Liberty]

Glad to see it is not just me then, I am awaiting transfer to someone else now, we will see.
I don’t know where the days go, four days since I posted here, although I do pop in every day and read the posts it’s kind of like a routine a look in on all our different lives.
A lot going on with the family at the moment, exams major ones life changing exams am not sure who is most anxious over them me or the ones taking them.
It seems to have been quite quiet here over the last week or so, mind you I have not felt much like posting writing either. Especially when I sit here and think, have I even got anything interesting to say? probably not, today I have kept busy, I did a mammoth job of clearing out an outbuilding which took like five to six hours so many spiders, ugh glad that is over and done with, I had to keep busy really today, cos I am feeling kind of sad as I can’t quite believe it’s a whole year ago today that my dog went to rainbow bridge, I still miss her every day I don’t think there has been a day that has passed in this last year that I have not thought of her.
Animals give so much with very little asked for in return, they are loyal and totally accepting of our faults, how many humans can say that, not many if any. So today I remember her and all the wonderful moments we shared, I see her clearly now, for in my memory she will never die.

[vera]

You have been on my mind all day, Liberty . I intended posting to ask about your counselling and if you had switched to someone new?
So sorry to hear about your dog. Pets really can become part of the family and are a big loss when they move on. We have had dogs over the years but I think I will just stick with the hens for now. Did you ever get a dog since?
Three eggs today!

[Liberty]

I emailed the counsellor and have been told, that hopefully should hear something next week, thanks for asking.
I have not got another dog since, she was a beautiful springer spaniel and the relationship we had, I don’t think I could replace.
The sun is shining here today, looks like it is going to be a beautiful day, there is a breeze though and from where I am sitting I can see bushes swaying almost dancing and they are all happy in the sunshine because right now they live, it is their growing season, I need to take a leaf out of their book so to speak!
Have the other two hens started laying yet Vera, and any more names, can you distinguish them yet?

[vera]

Four eggs today, Liberty!
Hubby is recording the output and has changed one of his silly names to “Harriet”. I wouldn’t call a hen Harriet. I like that name too much but I won’t crush his imagination. After all he is the one who cleans up after them.
I helped him in the garden today. Clearing bushes, cutting down trees etc. I do the easy bits. Thinking about you cleaning an out house. We have a few sheds that are FULL of junk. Bikes that need to be repaired . ( I think Santa must have brought a bike every year) Outdoor toys . The remains of swings and slides etc. Not to mention the attic!
I forgot about all those areas when I was gambling. Life would be so much easier now if I had acted responsibly in the past.
I need to start working really hard from now on. As Casper said on another thread, as CGs we wasted a lot of time.

[vera]

missed you by 2 mins in the Open Group Liberty

[Liberty]

It was like waiting for a bus, nothing appearing on the horizon so I gave up and walked. popping back if anyone around.

[vera]

Got booted Lib 23:00hrs

[Liberty]

Vera looks like we got booted.
I was just saying I was on Geography, biology, English lit, sociology, finance and Religious studies and it is all confused in my little brain!

[vera]

How many daughters doing A Levels? Two?
Great they are studying. Mine never applied themselves. My sister has 7 now grown up kids She “did” the exams wit every one of them All worked their butts off and did brilliantly!

[Anônimo]

HI Lib, well done for changing counselor. i went to one once, but i found it very draining sorting out the problems she was having with her children.talk about role reversal!!

i too had to get rid of my ipad. i wonder do apple have any idea how many more they could sell if they made them safe for gamblers!
my little dog went to doggie heaven two years ago. i still cry about her sometimes and miss her every day,. i did get a new dog…well it was kinda imposed on me..and i also love her.. its like when you get a new baby..your heart seems to get bigger and have more love.

i feel guilty though about gambling during her last years when i should have been spending time with her..especially her last months.. I kept thinking i should be talking to her, playing with her and yet i couldn’t drag myself away from the online casino..

so Lib you could get a new dog…you will be amazed how quickly you love it

[Liberty]

Yes two doing the A levels Vera. Roll on Friday and it will be over, well there is one more on t Monday 23rd but the bulk is done Friday.

Great to get a post from you Happy, good job on getting rid of your Ipad, the Ipad that makes us mad….
I have not got the new counsellor as yet waiting for a space.
Glad that you have a new dog now, you are right that I would love it that’s why I can’t get one, as I don’t want to or I feel I can’t put myself through that loss again, shame I could not have applied that same principle to gambling so much earlier in my life.
I saw you wrote that you felt bad after having a good day with family, happened to me lots of times over the years and then I gambled, it is like something deep inside you believes ‘you’ do not deserve to have laughter and fun times in your life, so it says to us, ha you are not worthy so go gamble and I will show you how you should feel….
This is of course all lies you do deserve to have a good life and enjoy yourself make good memories with your family, you are not bad inside, the addiction is the bad one, but it is not you, it is only trying to fool you into thinking that, every time those thoughts come in, tell them to do one they have no place in your life.
Your dog would have been content just being in your company they do not ask for a lot so nothing to feel guilty about that Happy.
It’s great to see you back posting Happy, it been quiet, too quiet 🙂

[vera]

Missed you in the chat Liberty. You still around?

[p]

I just love your posts .. i hope that you keep posting, i love to read them. so selfish i am hahaha… and i love hearing of your days, your progress, your thoughts. i totally get where you are coming from about animals.. my animals are part of my family and i adore them like they are my children. They are there to share our journey how lucky we are to have shared a journey with these beautiful animals.. i am sure you would have spoilt your dog rotten and what a wonderful life you would have given to it…
I hope your days today are gamble free and you are in a good place.. keep posting. You are very creative in your writing and your poetry.. that could be your calling.. who knows. I think you are talented.

P

[Liberty]

For your lovely post, it is great to see you back posting again, I missed seeing your posts last week. I am not sure about any talent, but it was very kind of you to make that comment.
I agree about the animals being like your children, they certainly are a great comfort in sad times as well as a joy, my dog was a bit of a rascal I wrote her a letter when she had to be set free here it is
Dearest ****, I call you, I look for you but you do not appear, you were my comforter during the bad times and there’s been a few, you loved Us unconditionally, as a youngster you were quite a rascal pinching the girls things never breaking them but we often wondered why you needed an iPod a phone on your bed, but it was because you knew you deserved it too, found your presents at Christmas time in the pile and how many times were they re wrapped for you? Then the years took-their toll, but no matter you were still there by my side outside the bathroom door waiting for me’ no matter how you could not walk anymore, you were so tired, in so much pain I so hope you are free now because dearest **** we love and miss you so, thank you **** for all you freely gave, our beautiful brave girl xxxxxxx rip memories of you will never fade am told the pain will lessen this is my sacrifice my debt to you girl to set you free xxxx love you **** everyone who knew you loved you xxxx

So here I am just over a year since, yes I guess time does heal it’s not raw like it was, but it certainly is still with me the missing,
Missing you dog. Perhaps for me, loving my dog as I did and still do was easy, yes I guess I rather take the easy route, is that human nature? Easy, no expectations, no demands made of me, no judgement, never hurt me, would never have hurt me. So with an animal, like my dog what safety there is.
Anyhow, I think you get the gist anyone reading this that I adored my dog 🙂 change of subject now ha ha
I have a few worries, new worries last couple of days things I need to sort out, things I need to face and deal with as if I do not time continues to flow forward as always, and enough procrastination this year so far. Yes, I have dealt with some things but I have not done enough to move myself forward, the easy way am sorry to have to tell myself does not work, stopping gambling is great but that in itself does not make for a life.
I need to find a new job since mine will end in two months time, what am I going to do, I will do and am willing to do anything to gain an income (within reason) it has to be legal and has to be moral!
I am worried about finding work, like on the one hand I know that I am at work, diligent, loyal and hard working and I am not stupid, well not totally maybe a little lol
But what to do, then the doubts start creeping in, are you capable of doing anything? will anyone really want you? Aren’t you too old? well not really I still have most of my faculties (well as much as I ever had!) Plus I have a fair few years until retirement so that really is not an option, it’s just the lack of confidence voice, one part knows I am more than capable of doing anything I set my mind to but another always seem to want to dis me as useless and unworthy of a ‘normal’ life.
I seem to spend so much of my time dealing with this voice, the one that wants me to run away, live on an uninhabited island and live off coconuts! The escape artist, or maybe it’s the would be gambler, but one thing I am learning there really is no escape from me, cos wherever I am, I am still facing me, looks like I am stuck with me in this life time, so need to start making the best of me and being the very best I can be and accepting that I am a product of my experiences and yes, our experiences of life do shape who we are today but that is not to say that we can not change any of it. We can be masters of our own destinies, I am learning to shape mine, its kind of a strange shape right now though…..still at least the clay is not set, nothing is set in stone.

[p]

The clay is not set…i love that.. you are moulding your new life now.. so good, just love your posts.. you are actually very funny

P

[Liberty]

I just need to sing today, this is what I need to remember to sing:
Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
when the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides life, and the cables strain,
will your anchor drift, or firm remain?
(needs to firm remain)

We have an anchor that keeps the soul
steadfast and sure while the billows roll;
fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
grounded firm and deep in the Saviour’s love!

Will your anchor hold in the straits of fear,
when the breakers roar and the reef is near?
While the surges rave, and the wild winds blow,
shall the angry waves then your bark o’erflow? (no it will hold)

Will your anchor hold in the floods of death,
when the waters cold chill your latest breath?
on the rising tide you can never fail,
while your anchor holds within the veil

Will your eyes behold through the morning light
the city of gold and the harbour bright?
Will you anchor safe by the heavenly shore,
when life’s storms are past for evermore?
(I hope so )

I need my anchor to hold.

[p]

HI Liberty, thats a great poem.. i love these things you write. Hope you are having a great gamble free time

P

[vera]

Loved your poem too Liberty! Catchy tune . Is it your birthday today? Its the longest day of the year June 21st.

[Liberty]

I am annoyed, angry and mad
Why do I allow people to make me feel sad?
Such power and control
Living my life on parole
Let it go let it go
Pretend it’s a television show
They won’t even know.

[charles]

Hi Liberty,

Hope you can make the group if you want to talk about what’s making you feel like that. Stay strong, one day at a time.

[Liberty]

Life I guess, sometimes the ups and downs feel too much.
Today is a better day, went to meet with my new counsellor such a difference to the last one, this one speaks and seemed to have a technique of digging that at times during the session I was not comfortable with, and she seemed interested and not bored stupid like it was a job just another recovering gambler, or trying to live in recovery, wanted to live without gambling,same old story have heard thousand times before. Yes, we may all have similar tales of destruction but each one of us are unique so are our past experiences.
Travelling back home I was in a kind of daze running over the things we had discussed, tired too.
One thing I was asked was would I like to be in a position of being able to gamble, to control it that I found funny as I know that is pretty impossible for me for when I start I can not stop and nothing will ever be any different from that for me. I think it must be very difficult for a non CG to understand that once started the ball will not stop, it’s an inevitable cycle of destruction.
So my answer was definitely not, I want to live life of permanence, I could not contemplate for one moment a bet now and then, what’s the point in that?
Why would you want to risk everything you have in recovery for that? A question I have in the past asked myself many times before, gave up with the question as the whole addiction has no logic.
I am not gambling with my money I am gambling with my life, today I will not gamble.

[p]

At least you are aware that controlled gambling is not going to work and you seem to have a grasp on it, that once you start you dont stop. Its true this addiction is relentless.. whatever stage our gambling is or was at, will get worse with time. Our recovery over time will only get better.. i dont underestimate this addiction and gambling with your life is not far fetched.. gambling addiciton does kill people. Good you are here, that you are doing something about it.

P

[Liberty]

everyone and thank you P for your post, yes gambling addiction kills people in so many ways. I certainly been close a number of times.

I am writing now just cos I am mad, in fact I think I have spent a lot of the last few days feeling mad, I wonder what normal people do when they feel mad? I know what I used to do but I don’t have that option any more.
My house has been so neglected for so long and it just got to the point that so much to sort out, I just kinda gave up. Well last week I tackled my outbuilding and today I have sorted out my room and half the kitchen, but there is so much junk everywhere, I have bagged up a lot of clothes for charity shop, clothes I don’t need will never wear. I have been feeling really annoyed with my daughters, so lazy, won’t help and when I ask for a teeny thing it be done ie get rid of all their junk you would think I was asking for 12 hours hard labour! It is my fault of course like everything always is, I have been too soft on them over the years, I guess trying to compensate for all I felt I was lacking in and making their life easy but now they are both in legal terms adults and yet I am still doing everything. They disappear to rooms when cleaning to be done, I have said I am going to bag up all their stuff and bin it as clearly they do not want it, everything just feels too much maybe I am being unreasonable but do I have to wait on them hand and foot until they leave? Was this all part of the role, I signed up for chief cook bottle washer and cleaner forever, sick of the mess, am trying to sort the inner chaos but really noticing the outer chaos.
I am ranting I know that but it is just for me since I don’t have any other escape route.
Anyway some jobs done a lot more to do yet, but I have made a cup of tea and am taking a short break, it’s all probably nothing anyway it’s just me complaining when I should never have let things slide for so long.
I need to be superwoman not how I feel today, everyone else seems to cope with keeping things in order why can’t I?
Tired.com tired of being at the bottom of my mountain. well maybe not quite at the bottom but not very far up it.

[vera]

“In a minute” was the answer I got when mine were younger and I would ask them for help…the minute would never come. I would ask and ASK, then tell them, then start roaring at them and eventually they would do a certain amount, with bad grace, leaving me feeling guilty for nagging and yelling. Their bedrooms were always like junk yards. It used to break my heart to go in there and see CDs, ipods, CD players video games etc ect etc ( not to mention designer clothes ) littered around the floor. Radios broken and the batteries drained because they “forgot” to turn off devices.
Two things come to mind. Our kids got FAR too much, too easily.
In a few years time they will all be gone…..
When they move out , will the clutter still be there? I have an attic full of clutter . Symbolic of all the clutter in my head?
Could you PLEAD with them to help Liberty? They are girls!!! When my daughter comes from Australia (which is seldom), she starts emptying presses and cleaning out the fridge, saying “when was this place last given a good cleaning”!!
It’s a bit like gambling.
You can’t win!
(but you are allowed to rant and even allowed to YELL!

[Liberty]

I expect it is the same for a lot of people, next time your daughter comes home for a visit, maybe she would like to come here for a visit too!
You are right they all did have too much and little care for things, I guess we are to blame for that, different world and am not so sure about better, I had my first little transistor radio at 16 and I treasured that.
Plead with them….they are deaf to the sound of chores, it’s only when I explode that I get anywhere well that’s too hard and I just don’t have the will anymore, plus then I feel guilty for yelling.
Yep one day it will be all over, everything ends eventually.

[charles]

Hi Liberty, maybe fight fire with fire? Just close their bedroom doors, if they don’t tidy them then they stay messy, if they don’t do their laundry then their next planned evening out might be a panic when they realise they have nothing clean to wear. We need to take responsibility for our own actions – they can too!! Go on, promote their independence 😉

[vera]

Good to chat with you earlier, Liberty.
Just bringing your Thread to the top.
Cream always rises!!!

[Liberty]

I am trying, one even cooked dinner yesterday a first! Mind you have never had lumpy solid carrot soup before but I ate it, it was er different.
Feeling sad at the present time, lots of thoughts going around in my head, worries blown probably out of proportion, the more I think of things the worse they get. I have had my eldest daughter here, although I have not seen that much of her as she has been away on trips and has gone again now for a few weeks doing some work, I think she will be here then for a couple weeks and then moving to another country from the country she was living in previously.
I am just realising how overly sensitive I am not sure how I can cure that, is it just my make up I don’t know but I don’t like feeling as I do, I think it has a lot to do with self confidence as if you are confident then you would know that you do deserve to be ‘you’ that you must do what is right for you, how hard is that?
the kids at my old school used to say yolo Miss, I had no idea that the acronym was you only live once, until they told me, bless them all. some of us are not brave enough to ‘live’ at all. That’s me am not brave and I have no courage, I would be the lion in the wizard of Oz, but didn’t he find he had it the whole time. Maybe one day one day.

[monique]

Yes, indeed, you will find you have courage within you. Have courage in the way that is right for you. It may not look the same as courage in someone else. Only you truly know what things demand courage in your life and how you can face them. With help and support, you will find a way. Part of it will be in accepting the kind of person you are, your own unique person.
Best wishes,

Monique

[Liberty]

You too 🙂
I hope you get a good night.
I

[Liberty]

courage and acceptance good partners to have I think.

[lauren05]

Hi Liberty, hope you’re feeling stronger today and not so sad today. When we’re down, things are magnified and somehow that inner child brings to mind things in our life to make us worry more and feel overwhelmed with life. I was there a few days ago but learnt it is ok to feel down at times.

We’ve come a long way and with this huge change that little girl still cries out for attention and we need to find ways to pacify her and settle her down again. Like you I am sensitive and take everything to heart. I can’t compartmentalise things. It is not as much about being confident or courageous as being accepted and you accepting and liking you for you and where you are now.

You need to learn to be kind to yourself and not hard on yourself. That way you learn to pacify and grow that inner child into an adult with strong feelings. Don’t criticise yourself or compare yourself to others and feel weaker. Your adult self is strong and confident but at moments like these, it’s the inner child crying out and feeling scared, afraid and worried. Just accept that time and do what you need to to pacify her and be kind to you but then move on and make tomorrow count with new perspective and hope.

Stay strong….. this is normal. It is all part of the process. you are exactly where you should be today.

Warm Regards,
Lauren
xxxx

[vera]

I like that Liberty. Never knew what it meant either…
Every time I think of you now I visualize a bag of sweets. Several bags, actually!
I cooked a “cheap” dinner today. Chicken curry with rice. Most of the veg came from the garden. Onions, courgette, garlic, tomato,peppers. For dessert I did a “summer fruit crumble”. Stewed rhubarb, raspberries, strawberries with a few digestive biscuits to give it the “crumble”. All from the garden except the biscuits and the ice cream. Unbelievably delicious! Guess what I’m longing for now?
No
not gambling…sweets!!!!

[I_Maverick]

Funny you should mention The WIzard Of Oz. I heard an amazing radio programme about it the other day. Turns out that the cowardly lion is more brave than people who act brave, as he was aware of his fears and that take more courage. We must be fearful of our addiction, but at the same time not let it control us. To be aware of it, to accept it (I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER) is to be in charge of it. To deny it gives it power and means that we can say I AM NOT A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER ANYMORE, SO I CAN GAMBLE AGAIN.

I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE A COMPUSLIVE GAMBLER. I CHOOSE NOT TO GAMBLE.

Love you posts, you are brave and beautiful and if you were my mum I would be dead proud of you. The best mums in the world are those who know they are flawed but are great anyway.

All the best to you and yours.

[vera]

Have you stopped posting, Liberty?
I loved your two recent poems,
Charles will be chuffed with his “Welcome Home “.
‘Hope things are going well for you?

[Liberty]

Thank you for your posts, sorry that I have not replied before now. Thanks to Mav and Lauren too.
Vera, thank you for your comments re Charles, I have missed him this week it has been so quiet, I have gone into chat a few times but mostly no one there.
I am ok thank you Vera, I hope you are too.
Yes, I have stopped posting at the moment, just not had much to say lately, too much to think about with no answers to problems about the future and what will happen as have said many times before, never gambling again can’t undo the damage done previously over many years, how you move on from that I do not know.
See you in chat one day soon Vera x

[Liberty]

Questions
Why be sad? Who cares?
Why be mad? Who cares?
Why can’t I just be glad?
Why can’t I be grateful?
Why does it feel that I have had a plateful?
Why does everything feel so hateful?
Why can’t I just be me?
Who stops me?
What stops me?
Why do my thoughts buzz around?
Leaving no sound?
Yet I feel the noise, so loud
Sitting under this storm cloud.
Will the rain ever stop?
When will that rainbow appear?
Shall I ask Edward Lear?

[p]

Hows things Liberty? How is the gamble free life going, i do like your poetry. I hope that you are ok today

P

[p]

It was good to chat recently. I hope you are having a good day today. Miss seeing your posts here you know.

P

[Liberty]

It was good to chat with you last week too.
Well I have not been posting here for a while but after waking up in sheer terror at three am and the changes that are happening at the moment, I thought maybe I ought to write these things down.
Why does my being dislike change so much? I started my five week training (I thought it was only four weeks but it is five) last evening, it went well enough, logically I know I am more than capable of doing the job and passing the training etc etc so why do I wake at three am in sheer terror and worry over it all? today, I feel so anxious and nervous and like I am about to break down, it is so ridiculous, I am doing this from home, a safe place, there is nothing to fear, how come my body does not agree!
I also have the girls leaving within the next couple of weeks, not even sure how that is going to pan out, that was why I knew I needed to get work before they left, to keep busy plus obviously I need an income to pay the bills. I left my old job on the 31st August, that is a relief in a way, it is better for me to work from home, I feel safer as I still not comfortable going out, although I am a lot better than I was a few months ago so that is progress, yes some progress has been made even if it feels as a snails pace!
I need to train this mind to react differently to new situations and maybe I just have to accept there is no magic quick fix, maybe that was gambling a quick fix, but the fix that screwed life big time, maybe it would be more apt to call it the big destroyer.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect to succeed and think that people will think badly about me if I am not so perfect, stupid me no one is perfect and all I can do is my best, if I do my best and fail then that’s not really a failure at all. Anyway I am rambling away here one day at a time Liberty one day at a time.

[vera]

‘Hope you are settled in to your Training for your new job Liberty and that you are not missing the girls too much.
Thanks for posting to my thread.
Maybe we will meet in a Group this evening if you are free for an hour or two.
I love when you are there.

[vera]

Writing and thinking about dreams reminded me of you Liberty.
Feel like giving us an update?
In your own time, of course.

[Liberty]

Since I posted here, I guess no matter how we live our lives time just continues moving forward, I have popped in to GT now and then to read posts from new and older members but have not felt it the right time to post, so I guess today’s the day 🙂
Well looking back over 2015 I am glad to say that I am not in the place I was for the first nine months of last year, nine years of that gambling had eaten me up to the point I had no idea who I actually was anymore after all I did not deserve anything good in my life, to be happy in any way, not when I was nothing but a stinking gambler this was what it had done to me , the only belief I had was that I really was not good enough to even breathe the same air as all the ‘good people’ ie a non addicted gambler.
With the help and support of places like GT I managed to do a training course for a new job in September last year but that did not work out I was not strong enough I was not ready, so what could I do, huge changes were afoot with my girls leaving home I needed to pay bills, I needed an income , I had to get away from the isolation , cut a long story short, I gained employment in the care sector, which I started in November 2016 , hard work long hours but so rewarding prayers do get answered.
It is wonderful to be able to say that 2016 is gamble free, now am not saying that I have never had thoughts of gambling as there has been quite a few horrific frightening events in my life where I found it very difficult to cope with but the difference I have now is in my mind the knowing that the crap won’t disappear by gambling but what will happen it will get a whole lot worse that I can guarantee myself and I have found that even bad things that happen once time passes and they are resolved it is a good feeling to say to self hey I did that I got through it and I am not left with the aftermath of addiction destruction.
The debts are not gone away but they have not increased and I pay what I can, I do have a struggle financially which gets me down from time to time but then I do my best to replace those negative thoughts with gratitude and be thankful for what I do have, and as long as I just don’t gamble now always now as each moment is all we have then I will be just fine.
Life is not easy but it is a zillion. Times better than it ever was gambling and it frightens the life out of me to think I could ever be in that place again and I know now that it has many tricks this addiction after recovery period as I found to my cost in the past, a tenner I can afford I might win lol lol no I won’t win I just got sucked back in I won’t stop and it will take my life , thanks to people like Charles the people I met in GT the people here I can never afford to forget that.
Love and best wishes to all for a gamble free day and future

[p]

Nice to see you again. I had not posted in some time. It seems a few of us have decided this is the time to come back.. loved reading your post. Congratulations on your gamble free time and changing your life around

P

[charles]

Hi Liberty, A great post to read, be proud of your achievements.

[lizbeth4]

Congratulations on your Gamble free time!

[Liberty]

I am on late shift today so thought I would write and read here.
So what causes me major problems is this demon voice that is like wants to destroy anything good about me, it’s like at work yesterday the voice says to me “just because you work hard and people think you are caring it’s a good job they don’t really know what you are and what you have done , how much debt you are in, what you have selfishly done for years and years and no amount of repentance is going to clean up your stinking soul” as soon as this voice is at me I fight back with I cannot change what is done so go and leave me in peace, at times it is relentless this is what I meant by the negativity always against me wanting me to feel worthless, so I wonder where it comes from and why , I arrive home late at night to an empty dark cold house (hopefully not for much longer Spring is here supposedly) the voice says feel the darkness the cold this is you, your creation you are working to stay physically alive nothing more, so I respond with another voice Lord I place into your hands the things I cannot do for I know that I am one with you….so many voices it’s like I am the bystander split in two observing the battle between God and demons yet completely caught up in it.
What is good writing here is even though I have a thought now of these people will think you are definitely certifiable another says does it matter ?
since I am no longer gambling this in itself has its downfall as I feel like I have to be ever vigilant of my thoughts so I do not get led along a trail that once stepped on I am glued to and I know that pathway is so easy to veer towards, I once had a year gamble free and look what happened, I try not to think of time oh X person has X years X person has X days it’s not a competition it is a way of life the right way to live do my best each day and then time will be irrelevant and the voice that tries to say don’t think I won’t get you again at some point will be the stupid one, today I am in charge with God,s help it does not matter if you do not believe in God or any spirituality but am sure that everyone believes in the power of ‘the good’ and the law of attraction ie what you reap you sow, I guess I have to accept that my inner has many weeds that have implanted over many years and it is an ongoing gardening project for my flowers to more plentiful than my weeds seems to be far quicker for weeds to flourish in my garden.
As I said earlier Spring is starting a time for renewal and it’s all free (recovery)and I am entitled to it.
Very best wishes to all and I wish you all rest and freedom from the pain of compulsive gambling trust and obey your good x

[lizbeth4]

Hi Liberty, I loved your post. It was powerful! I used to wonder what other’s would think of me if they knew that I am a CG. Then I started thinking, everyone has either addictions or issues. We are all human. Everyone has done something that they are not proud of and wished that they could change. If someone was going to judge me for anything that I have done, they are not a good person. We are not defined by our addiction. There are many more layers to ourselves. Spring is a time for renewal! Keep moving along your gamble free path. You are worth it!

[vera]

I wanted to answer your post sooner, Liberty, but sometimes that “voice” tells me “nobody wants to hear what you have to say; it’s a load of dollop”….If were to listen to that voice, I think I would be silent forever, interrupted only by the “Diiiing” of slot machines.
We need to change the record, Liberty. Play happy, not sad tunes. If the internal voices continue, we can drown them out with louder more positive shoutouts.
“I haven’t given one cent to gambling this year” is my new shoutout
Think of a few and let them rip when those “voices” taunt you.
So pleased to hear about your new job.
‘Hope to meet you in a group soon.
Every time I open a bag of those chewy, sucky sweets I think of you. lol!
Keep posting

[Autor]

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