[kathryn]

Hi folks.

This was my little phrase when i first joined GT over 9 years ago.  Ive decided to use it for my thread as it reminds me of where ive been and where i am going. 

Ive decided to return for a number of reasons.  Firstly i have missed it.  Plain and simple.  The fact that after 3 months i am still checking in here daily tells me that i need to be here.  It is a part of my life, and i am not ready to let it go.  

I was a fair mess when i decided to pull the pin.  Death will do that to a person.  I was heartbroken and lost, and in truth i still am, but of course we just get up and do what needs to be done every day. 

Last night was a changer for me.  My 19yo son Bailey spends his Friday nights, and has done for the last 3 years with the Salvation Army, doing an outreach program for homeless people.  Coffee, soup, bread, sandwiches, toiletries, blankets etc are given out.  A chat, a story and a laugh are 

shared, along with best wishes and a lot of love.   Last night i went along for the ride.  It was eye opening, heart breaking and heart warming and i enjoyed every minute of it. (It was freezing out there last night!)  

I got home at 1am, exhausted but unable to sleep.  How can i help more? How can i be a positive in peoples lives to make them feel better, even if it is just for a minute?

So i made 2 decisions last night.  One, was to make something delicious for these people to enjoy every week.  Im not the best cook but ill try!!!

The second, was to come back here.  I am not perfect.  Not by a very long shot.  I do however feel that i might be able to make someone feel better for a minute.  My leaving was done in a way that im not proud of.  If i hurt anyone i am sorry, deeply sorry.  I hope that i can maybe bring a smile to

someones face once in a while.  I hope that by me living a gamble free life it may give someone hope.  Be prepared, i tend to blurt my whole life on my thread, but ive always done that and i dont know how to do it differently.  

So…..heres my news for this week.

Apart from last night i have a very important day tomorrow.  Its Tex’s birthday.  He is 1……time has flown and that baby is the joy of my life.  He is running around everywhere and into everything!!! I have been having him for a sleepover every Tuesday night and look after him on Wednesdays for 

Brea while she works.  I am exhausted every Wednesday night!!!!! That kid runs me ragged!!!! This week was the last one.  She has finished work.  She has 4 weeks until the new baby girl arrives.  She is booked in for a C section on the 23rd July.  I cant imagine loving any other child as much as i

love Tex .  Grandkids are different.  I cant wait to meet her and i know that i will fall in love all over again.  Brea is really well, but HUGE!!!!  I feel she is going to be on the front cover of the newspaper for the towns biggest baby in 2018!!!!!  We shall see.

Dames has the man flu at the moment.  I left for work 20 minutes earlier than normal yesterday because i couldnt deal with his moaning.  I know you’re dying…….but do it quietly!!!!!!!!!

Im just working of course.  Jode and I are still doing the local football club canteen.  We are getting a tidy sum in our holiday fund.  If we can do it for another 2 years we will have practically paid for our next trip in 2020.  Going back to the USA but not sure exactly where yet!  She has split up

with her husband.  The last 3 months have been pretty awful for her, and awful for me to watch.  Her house is on the market and she is now just seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.  On a brighter note, we have just bought tickets to see Cher in October in Melbourne.  Very excited!!  We are going to have 

a few nights up there and make it a mini holiday!!!  

So on that note,  i need to get moving and make a few things for Texs party tomorrow.  I have presents to wrap, brows to be waxed, cooking to be done.  I am babysitting him tonight while Brea and Cam go to the movies, it was her birthday last week (shes 27, how can i have a 27yo daughter??)

Anyways, lots to do before i head over there.

As for gambling……its not that i dont think about it, i do.  But it just isnt an option for me anymore.  Its been 9 years (minus a couple of slips) since i stopped.  I dont miss what who it made me become.  But without it i wouldnt be who i am.

Take care everyone,

Love K xxx

[kin]

thumbs up!!!

I have miss you, Vera, P, Bettie, Ken, Paul, Charles and the rest here.

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn. I’m so happy to see you back. You have a lot to offer others here on this forum. I think of you often. You’ve been instrumental in my recovery. You never get over a death of someone we loved. We just keep going. I hope Tex has a awesome birthday. I can’t wait till your Granddaughter arrives. The love we have for our Grandchildren is priceless! They make life better. I think it is wonderful that your Son helps the homeless and that you could experience it with him. The world needs more caring people like him. You should be proud that you’ve raised such a good Son. Take care.

[velvet]

Hi K

When I read you post my thought was ‘she’s back’ and then came the smile.
I will be following your thread and enjoying reading about the great adventure as you bring hope and smiles to others.

Velvet

[i-did-it]

It’s great to see you back Kathryn.
I like how you write on your thread – it is open , honest and refreshing.
Like kin I miss many of the old members ( rem Colin in Brum and Desdemona also?) . although it has taken me so much longer to achieve any kind of progress I do feel motivated by the posts of those who have seen their lives completely change.

I know the loss of your dear Mum leaves an infillable void in your life and grief affects us all differently . I am just so pleased I woke this morning to see your post .
Xx

[finding_laura]

Hey K, so good to see your new t hread 🙂 I am totally exhausted. Pushed myself to do the wrong things? Should I be more focused on rehab and less on the daily requirements of life? Anyway, I’m only up for a minute mid sleep. But was drawn to read a couple posts while I was up. This is such good news to me to read. I have missed our interactions here and your wonderful story. I know you offer loads of hope and are like a breath of fresh air. I’m off to bed but will owe you a proper post tomorrow. Laura

[maverick.]

Kathryn it’s so nice to see you here and also see you posting, you are a lovery person with a very kind soul, look after yourself my friend you really are priceless, always wish u well and speak soon.

Maverick

[kathryn]

What a lovely welcome back!
Thank you everyone who posted. Im about to head off to work after a super busy weekend. I will get around to replying to you all this week….
Again, thanks so much,
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

Well Boo! Sorry I missed you! Group was quiet so I left 15 minutes early or so. Had a bed time snack. Yum lol. Now it’s more than halfway through next group and my back won’t allow it. Although I did peak and you hadn’t been in this group. Just came in to shut my PC down for the night. Good to see you posting Kathryn. Maybe your next day you are around home we’ll plan a chat date. Although you know I am never too far away. Hugsss girlfriend. Laura

[Monica1]

Very much appreciated your post. Ty! I did read all of your posts some time ago so good to see you posting again. I liked your comment on without it it wouldn’t make you who you are. I agree, as miracles can happen to us in recovery. I went through so much when I stopped gambling that every day feels like I am reborn in gratitude.

[kathryn]

I think Dames has come through the worst of his flu.
He seems a bit more chipper tonight!!! Thank goodness, I was ready to move out!!!!
So Tex’s birthday was fantastic. Brea had hired this play gym thing that fit perfectly into her lounge room. There were about 20 kids there ranging from new born to about 4 and they all had the loveliest time. So did I with all those babies!!!!!
Tex ran and ran and RAN!!! Was so excited. Had no idea of course. He was spoilt rotten and didn’t even cry when everyone sang Happy Birthday. He just looked around at everyone like we were mad. We have 3 weeks on Monday until the new little girl arrives and I cant wait!!!
Since mum died I have been in de clutter mode. Its been a slow process but I’m getting there. My bedroom is done (except for all the ‘stuff’ in the wardrobe) A few new pieces of furniture from Kmart (cheap and lovely) and the room looks terrific.
I am now working on the lounge. I moved the computer and desk and sold a buffet and bookcase online. Not for a lot but I was happy that someone took them away for me!!
I have purchased a new (used) lounge suite that we are picking up tomorrow. Mine is 14 years old and has seen better days. This one has a chaise lounge and is a lovely cream colour. It was only $100. The ones ive looked at on line, second hand have been between $300-$600 so I scored a bargain. I cant wait to get it. Ive also been online (kmart again) and written a list of new furniture for my lounge. A little cube unit for Texs toys, a ladder shelf thing for my printer and nick nacks, some new bright cushions, a lovely throw, and I think the lounge will look brand new. I can get away with it for about another $100 and my lounge will be done!! woohoo!!!
I’m excited. I need some change and I figure this will feel like a new room for very little money. The only thing that will cost a bit more will be a TV unit but ive got one and I’m prepared to wait. It just wont match lol. Not that anything really does. This will be the first time anything matches and its very minimal.
I bought 2 tickets to the preview session of Mamma Mia 2 next month for Jode and I. That girl seriously needs a night out and I think a good old fashioned movie night is just the ticket. Maybe a drink after? We both have the day off so we can do what we want. I even organised her boys to be looked after so she didn’t have to worry about it.
We have the footy canteen Saturday. Its a crazy day. We start at 6am and finish at 6pm. Its all for the greater good though, hopefully we can do it for the next 2 years and our trip will be paid for. We are exhausted but it is so worth it.
So that’s about me! I would really love to make a group soon!!! Missed Laura by 15 mins last night! Got home from work too late for tonights group. I do have tomorrow off (never get a Friday off) so maybe tomorrow night? Ill try.
Take care friends,
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

Hi Kathryn, sounds like everything you do is high energy and FUN! Well except maybe the canteen…. I’d just like to do the trip at the end lol. Have you been making a list of different places you’d like to travel? It would be fun picking final destination. I find cushions and rugs, artwork, easy ways to redecorate and brighten up a room. A grand daughter sounds wonderful! I will try and do the group that would be Sunday night for you. Getting a neck cramp lol. Hopefully talk soon. xo

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
Your lounge sounds fabulous – I too am starting decorating – as the whole house needs to be done (very very scruffy) I thinking of buying big tubs of white paint and doing everything white- it’s cheap and cheerful and I can add colour after if it’s too stark.
Your new suite sounds fabulous – It gives us such a lift to get the house renewed.
Life seems to be going really well for you – you have strong family ties and good friends- these are the important things .
You have much to look forward to and you are so right – every day we wake up we are filled with gratitude that we aren’t gambling and that life has become manageable.

I’m glad to read the ‘man- flu’ has passed. It really is one of the worst doses as every woman who has lived through it can testify !

Onwards and upwards Kathryn xx

[finding_laura]

Hey Kathryn! I won’t be home for the groups today/tonight at all. I am going out f or Canada Day celebrations and the time is such that I will miss both my group chats on Sunday. Sorry K and hope you weren’t keeping your eyes propped open with toothpicks!! You’ll be ready to sick one of those big spiders on me that I’m so afraid of. Sleep easy K and have a good week in work! Very proud of my recovery girlfriend and how far she has come! xo Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn, I’m so sorry that someone stole from your Mother’s grave. People are unbelievable! So sad! Your lounge sounds awesome. That would make a great reading nook! I like changing out my comforters, throw pillows, ect…for the different seasons. More colorful during the summer. I love hearing about your trips. Planning is half of the fun. I’m reading history books about the state I live in and I’ve started a vision board. I’m going to start my traveling quest in my state first. There’s so much I haven’t seen. Exciting. I hope you have a great week. I’m happy that you’re back. Take care.

[maverick.]

Kathryn that new room you have planned in my mind looks amazing, fair play to you my friend you have always been someone I have followed and will always wish you well, take care and hope you had a wonderful day in your celebrations today, take care and always be sure to look after yourself.

Maverick

[kathryn]

So ive just been on the helpline re the group times as I seemed to be getting them wrong but Paul has sorted me out (thanks Paul) so hopefully I will actually make one!!!
I had today off. I went and had my hair done this morning, my neice is my hairdresser and what started off as dark brown a few years ago is now blonde! Never thought I could pull that off but it seems that I can!!! Great way to blend those awful grey hairs that I hate!!!!
I then had to do a cleaning job with Jode. It only took about 1.5hrs but I was on my knees virtually the whole time. Getting down is alright, its getting up that’s the problem!!!
Then I went and visited Brea and Tex of course. That child!!! Melts my heart, I get teary and everything when he does something cute. I am pathetic. How am I going to go with another baby? God help us all!!!!!
I then flew down to the local plaza and found some lovely (and super cheap) throw rugs for my couch. I had seen them a while back and when I went last week they were out of stock so I was so excited that they were back. I got 2, rang Jode and she got 2, then I put 2 away for Jode for her mum. LOL. They are knitted and a range of gorgeous colours and they look fab on my couch!
I then had the lady come and pick up the chair/bed I had for sale. She paid me the same amount as I spent on the couch so that was great!
Almost time for bed. I really had a great day (apart from the cleaning but I was with Jode so that’s always a good thing)
I am going out for dinner with some old school friends Friday night. We had our reunion in March and have decided to meet once a month for dinner. Its so great to catch up with them and we all giggle like we are still 15. I feel very fortunate to have kept in touch with these girls, we have all been through a lot together over the years. We grew up together. I’m looking forward to it.
Quiet weekend is on the way for me. I have to get into my wardrobe and all the stuff on the top shelf…..ugh. Has to be done and I need to do it while I’m in the mood.
Anyways, take care, hopefully I will make a group soon!!!!!
Love K xxx

[velvet]

Hi K
Blonde is fun. When I came home after I went blonde for the first time one of my children said ‘get inside quickly before someone sees you’.
Sounds like you are doing great Kathryn. I hope the reunion is a blast – I went to an old school friend’s second wedding a couple of weeks ago and we were the same with each other that we had been way back in the mists of time. We even talked about her being the shooter and me being the goal keeper for netball. It’s great not to feel too grown up sometimes.
Brilliant seeing you posting again
V

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
I think it must be you who is motivating me but I also bought some accessories – pictures thingies – and I can hardly believe but I am dumping the old ones that have hung for two decades – u know the “I might paint the frames ” type stuff – it is so nice to get new stuff – and it also helps us lose that poverty mind- set that gambling gave us .

I wish I could sit in your room and share a coffee with you .

It is so good that u are spending time with old friends . Great to catch up and remember the good old times .
Keep doing everything that you are doing
Xx

[finding_laura]

Hey Kathryn. Sounds like a great day off even if you did work a while. Your right, doing it with the right people makes almost anything fun. Keep treasuring your bestie as I know you do. And your recovery. And the time and attention you now have to enjoy all your blessings like your children and grandson and soon another grandchild! I love the energy you bring to everything. Keep living your best life.

And a chat sounds lovely! Take care always,
Laura

[kathryn]

I’m procrastinating!!!! I bought a second hand filing cabinet on Friday. It was a bargain and matches my lounge décor perfectly (of course!!! LOL)
Ive bought the little file things to go in it and now I just have to fill it up.
I have a drawer downstairs bulging with paperwork. Ive tried just about everything to NOT get started on it. Its going to be a nightmare. I also have a big box full of Damians tax paperwork. That actually makes my hair stand on end thinking about it. Years and years of papers. All needing to be sorted and filed….aaaaahhhhhh.
This is the part of my de cluttering that I definitely don’t like.
So I posted to Lizbeth, then I’m writing this post, then I’m making a coffee, then I’m putting the washing away, then I’m starting on it……hahahhahah
Then, and only then I will come back here and post some more.
Yesterday I went and had my nails done and did the groceries. We ended up with a house full of people and drinks were flowing. It was lovely. I was in bed at 9.30!!!
Oh, I did buy my sideboard for the lounge, good old Kmart!!!! $39 bucks! I was thrilled. They are delivering it to work this week sometime. All I need now is the tv cabinet and this room is complete!!!!!
Hope you are all having a good weekend,
Ill be back!!! (I know you read it in Arnolds voice then!! lol)
Love K xxxxx

[velvet]

Hi kathryn
Stick your hand in the drawer and pull out one load of paperwork, shut the drawer, put the bundle on a table beside another cup of coffee and sort that lot out. Do not go back into the drawer until you have relaxed and drunk loads more coffee. Have a very, very large waste-paper bin beside you and get the rhythm going, one for the tax pile and one for the bin, one for the housekeeping and one for the bin. Repeat the process over a few weeks and gradually you will see the job done. Put the empty drawer in the bin and have a glass or two of wine.
Having got that, would you please come and start tidying my house as I can’t get passed looking at all the unfinished jobs and thinking this is insurmountable. I think another cup of coffee is called for – cheers!

Velvet

[kathryn]

You would be proud of me….i got quite a bit achieved!  There were piles everywhere and a huge rubbish bag!!!! Got the whole cupboard done,  i didnt realise that there were so many papers shoved in that drawer that they had fallen into the cupboard bit underneath!!!!! But, i got the majority done. yay!!!

I would love nothing more than to come give you a hand!  You would however have to supply the coffee!!!!  I do doubt however that we would get much done with all the talking!!!  Oh well, id have to stay a little longer!!!!!

Love ya! K xxx

[i-did-it]

Wow Kathryn ,
I am away with family for a few days and itching to get back to my clutter haha .
Well done – I have still a lot to do to finish my room – it the bathroom but everyone visits there and it was he worse room in the house! Lol

You are doing so well – keep her lit !

[kathryn]

I only worked half a day today which was lovely!
I had the plan in my head as I was driving home.
Make up the lasagne (id already made the sauce) for dinner for the boys.
Vacuum upstairs and down.
Mop the kitchen floor.
Organise a few bills on the computer.
Post to Harry.
DONE DONE DONE!!!!!
I’m going to dinner at Jodes tonight, she is doing it pretty hard at the moment and hopefully I can be a bit of a distraction for her, not to mention we are watching Handmaids Tale at the moment and BOY is that show unreal!!!
Tomorrow I have the day off and am getting new tyres on my car. A bit panicked about the cost but ill work it out!
Brea is bringing Tex over so she can get her hair done before this baby arrives. I wanted all my jobs to be done so I could relax in the morning before they get here and I can just play with him!!!!
Maybe some more paper filing after Tex leaves……jury’s out on that one, ill see how I feel!!! Might just need a coffee and a relax on my new couch!
I did get my sideboard delivered today, ill have to get Dames to put it together for me, I am just useless at that stuff and why do it myself when I have a builder to do it for me????
So that’s about me for now. I need to go check the oven, the lasagne should be about ready.
Have a great day friends,
Love K xxxx

[Monica1]

Caught up with all your posts. Well done for sorting out the paperwork. All,us girls seem to be focusing on sorting out the house, I am too as it was so neglected when gambling. I too love the handmaids tale, I read it many years ago, but the series is so much better. Scary stuff but could happen.
Good to see you posting.

[finding_laura]

Seems we have all been busy bees! Although I’ve been very lazy and sleeping a lot the past couple days. Doing a lot tends to do that to me! I have my sister in law cleaning for me now which is so lovely. She left the other evening and my house just smelled amazing. I can’t do the hard things like scrubbing floors and bathrooms. If I was gambling I couldn’t afford her! I pay her the same as anyone else. I just keep reminding myself I cannot afford to gamble. Too many recent purchases to pay for and my new lifestyle to maintain hahaha. I don’t have to tell you to keep enjoying that grandson of yours. I’ll be waiting for news of your granddaughter. Proud of you Kathryn. You’ve been doing great. Laura

[kathryn]

Sorry ive been AWAL!!!  To be honest i havent been super busy but ive been soooo tired and have been going to bed early where i would usually log on here and do some posting.

The sideboard is still sitting in its box!  I have only just now taken it out of the car so hopefully Dames will surprise me and put it together in the next couple of days.

He is going on a little boys trip next week (woohoo), so he might feel bad and do it before he leaves.

We only have 5 more days until the baby is born.  Brea is OVER it!!!  She cant even put her own shoes on anymore the poor thing!!!

Ive just been looking at some usb sticks with lots of mum photos and videos on it.  Theres one video when she was in the nursing home where we were singing and we laughed till we cried.  I thought that i would get super upset but found myself laughing along.

Then it dawned on me.  I think the reason  im ‘ok’ is because mum is here with me.  I was saying a while back that i couldnt feel mum around me.  Maybe i just wasnt able to due to my distress and grief.  Sitting here now, in the quiet, i can close my eyes and feel that she is with me.  I dont know if that sounds wierd to you all, but i KNOW she is here.  I feel super calm and tranquil right at this moment.  

I am going to see Mama Mia 2 tonight with Jode, i bought us tickets to the premiere so that should be a fun night.  God knows that girl needs it!!!!

So, just a short post from me today.  I will get around to you all, i check the forum at lunchtime at work every day so im still reading.

Take care friends,

Love K xxx 

[lizbeth4]

A early congratulates on the birth of your Granddaughter. Such a precious moment. I was present for the birth of both my Grandchildren. One of the most happuest moments of my life. My cleaning and purging is done for the day. I’m looking forward to my next GA meeting and counseling session next Friday. Things are getting better. Take care and enjoy your precious Grandchildren.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn ,
I guess by the time you read this you will be busy with your new grandchild – congratulations !!!

I am happy for you that you have the peace (that being gamble free gives us ) to enjoy this great and wonderful life- changing event .

Your mum is indeed with you – she will be looking after you all at this time .

Looking forward to an update on baby !
Xx

[kathryn]

Della Grace
8pd 6oz
Head of black hair
Absolutely gorgeous!
Brea doing really well.
Granny is in love!!!!
K xxxx

[velvet]

Great News Granny

Congratulations to Brea

[lizbeth4]

Awesome news!!! Enjoy your precious Granddaughter!

[i-did-it]

What a beautiful name- mega congratulations !!
Could life be any better ?
Xx

[Monica1]

Great news, great name!

[kathryn]

So another day of babies for me today.
Spent quite a few hours with Brea yesterday and since Cam is playing golf today ill get a few more in. She cant lift Tex in and out of his cot so she needs some help and I am only too willing to oblige!!!!
Dames comes home today from his trip, its been so quiet in this house and I have really enjoyed it.
I got the top of my wardrobe sorted last night which was huge as it was a massive mess up there.
I also finally got my sideboard set up, Brea had bought me an orchid when I finished up looking after Tex weekly for her and it has pride of place. I am in no way a gardner, so hopefully I can keep this thing alive!!!
I’m pretty pleased with my efforts.
I’m going to go and get my nails done this morning before I head into Breas…..its a little luxury I afford myself.
The weather here is atrocious! Super windy and rain. I hope Dames’ plane lands smoothly, he has a terrible fear of flying!!!
Anyways, going to check out the forum for a minute and jump in the shower to start my day.
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

Congratulations Granny! That sounds too old for you! I’m so happy for you Kathryn. Life is good. Being a nurse must also remind you of the fragility of human life. You are living yours to the fullest.

I’ve been either busy or tired this past while. Not a whole lot in between it seems. I need to do some reading and posting. Have a good week in work K. Laura

[charles]

Congratualyions granny 🙂

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
It must feel so good to have your sideboard up- I love when a plan comes together – that’s your room finished ? Have you plans to start another one ?

I have talked about treating myself to a beauty treatment for months but haven’t made it- still can’t quite bring myself to spend the money on it – so it is great to read how far you have come .

You sound so happy – and so full of love for your grandchildren. – this life beats gambling every time
Xx

[kathryn]

I don’t really have much of an update!
Yesterday and today off to help Brea with the kids now that her hubby has gone back to work. Shes still a bit sore and needs to take it a bit easy so granny to the rescue!
IDI, my room is almost done, I just need a tv unit. The one I have is fine but I want a white one and ive been looking, they aren’t cheap so I’m hoping to pick one up second hand, I’m sure it will pop up when its meant to. Then I’m done!
Harrys room is next, he has a loft bed, his room is tiny but he really needs a big boy bed now! A double bed will fit fine so I’m looking for a second hand one for him as well.
Ive put a couple of things online to sell, things I have had for 20 years! One has sold, which is great.
I worked my last football club canteen for the year on Saturday, then had a night out there with Jode, it was actually really fun but I suffered a bit on Sunday!
I’m so glad its over, not sure whether we will do it next year. Still in discussions about that.
2 camping trips coming up in September which I’m really looking forward to. Just weekends but its enough to feel like a little holiday!
Anyways, I have a house inspection this morning, oh the joys of renting……ugh.
Take care everyone, Love K xxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks K for your post! Yes the A.C. unit has turned into it’s own little drama story!! LOL! Hopefully it will be straightened out soon. You are right, my Grandson doesn’t care fibber go anywhere as long as we spend time together. It’s about 22 degrees hotter in the city. Whoop! Where I live it has,been rainy and very cool at night. I feel the dream you had about your Mother means she is close to you!!! I hope that is reassuring!! Have a good day!

[lizbeth4]

Typo: (fibber) translation: if we. I can’t edit anything??????

[kathryn]

I have today off.
I have an accountants appointment for Damians Tax. Ugh!!!!
We owe them. His work has been so erratic the last 6 months that I was unwilling to pay our quarterly tax instalments. I needed the money to pay the bills. So…..today is D day.
I’m hoping that the amount will drop.
We always start the financial year well but finish on a flop.
We have a wonderful accountant. We had a huge tax debt when I stopped gambling and I went to see him and told him everything. He gave me the courage to call them, (I was absolutely sick with worry) and sort out a plan.
So I may have to do that again. We shall see.
Dames hardly kept any receipts. I could kill him.
Ive gathered as much as I can, I cant do anymore.
I’m also popping in to see Brea and the kids (of course)
Apart from that, the day is pretty quiet.
So, heres hoping the damage isn’t too great.
At least I’m not gambling, that would only make things worse.
Take care everyone,
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
I missed you in group earlier .

Firstly could you paint your old tv unit ?
Or spray it with a high gloss spray ?
Maybe I have been watching too many tv show. I watch them obsessively as my house falls down around me.

I hope you get that tax bill right down – every bit helps .
I am also trying to sell a few bits online – but alas nothing of any real value – I need a major miracle right now !

Was the taxman helpful when you told him of your plight – could that work again because we all know it takes years to get over the financial damage caused by gambling ?

Sending you good wishes
Enjoy those grandkids
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi, I hope you taxes aren’t too bad. I will be paying on mine for 43 months. I have a lot taken out now so I can break even. My job hunt is not going well here. Not many opportunities. I’m glad that we both have Grandchildren to enjoy. They take my mind off of my worries. Thanks again for your kind words and support. It is greatly appreciated!

[kathryn]

Well the accountant appointment went better than expected. Our tax debt was reduced by half and although I have to still make a payment plan with them its doable. Harry went to camp yesterday, to Melbourne. Its about a 1.5 hr drive from where I work and today I got a call to say that he was sick. So, I had to go get him. Luckily work could be covered so that was a relief. But…….I have a very very real fear of driving in Melbourne. It scares the hell out of me ( I had a big accident there in my 20’s, not my fault) and I get totally anxiety ridden, sweaty palms, adrenaline pumping, big eyed, panicked…..ahhhhhh But, that was my child up there. He was at the Melbourne Museum, omg, I didn’t know where it was, thank god for google maps. So off I went. And I did it!!! I was so proud of myself, it wasn’t even hard…lol. In saying that, I went back to work (dames picked H up from there and took him home) and I got home at 6. I walked upstairs, layed on the bed, shoes and all and went sound asleep for an hour. Dames said he has never known anyone who can sleep after a ‘trauma’ like I can!!!!! We got a new (second hand) bed for Harry’s room today. His is the next room I am working on. His room is TINY!!!! So, a double bed had to do. He currently has a loft bed. This weekend will be spent organising his tiny space. We also are having Tex Saturday night. Brea is exhausted and we thought we could give her a break. Will drop him off Sunday lunch time. Its Dames mum’s bday, so we are having a sunday lunch with her at a local sports club. Yes, there are pokies there but I am excluded……yay!!!!! The food is yummo so I’m looking forward to that. I didn’t think I was doing very much this weekend until I wrote this post…….geez I’m pretty busy. Well, I’m going to have a look at the forum. Take care everyone!!! Love K xxx

[kathryn]

More than awful.
Breas husband Cam rolled his car with a huge trailer on the back. He was with his dad.
Its a wonder no one was killed, he walked away unscathed, as did his father, the car however….its a miracle.
My sister called.
My 32 year old neice has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
She is 32.
I am BEYOND devastated.
I am broken hearted.
I am FURIOUS.
One of the kindest, sweetest people I know in this world.
She is seeing the surgeon on Monday.
I am going to see her tomorrow, a 2 hour drive straight through Melbourne. I did it for Harry, and I can certainly do it for Beth.
I am her godmother. We have a special bond.
My sister….I cant imagine.
It has been an awful awful day.
Tex is here, I’m exhausted from the shock and stress.
Looking forward to bed.
K x

[i-did-it]

Aw Kathryn, I have just read you last two posts.

The first was so positive and full of plans and then I read the second and it was a reminder to me that we just never know what is around the corner.

Someone was looking out for your son in law and hubby during that crash – thank God they were both unhurt .

What terrible news for your niece and your whole family.
Life never lets us get too comfortable- it always throws something horrible to worry us .

I will pray for your niece and her treatment.
-such devastating news.

Keep strong Kathryn- and it is good you are not distracted by gambling and are able to be present for your sister and niece .

Hugs xx

[lizbeth4]

I’m so glad that no one was hurt in the accident! Someone was watching over them. Sad news about your Niece. I’m praying that she will respond to treatment. Keep the faith!!! We never know what lies ahead of us. Thinking of you today. Take care.

[finding_laura]

I was so sorry to read about your niece. Heart breaking 🙁 I hope they are able to come up with a good treatment plan. I will pray for her healing. Thank god your son in law and his dad made it out of the crash. Could have been worse but still scary and gives a person a shake up thinking of the alternatives. Your daughter would have been left with two little ones. Life can sure deal us surprises of both kinds. I guess that is a reminder to always grab life with both hands and live it to the fullest. No regrets! It was good you could just take off to see your sister/niece and not have to worry about the finances of it all. Stay strong my friend. Talk soon.
Laura xo

[kathryn]

So, my niece went to see the surgeon today.
Pretty positive outcome.
Surgery Friday, tumour is contained, looks like it hasn’t spread.
Not sure what the next steps will be but are all extremely positive that she will be ok. A massive relief to put it midly.
Thank you girls for your posts, they were really appreciated in a time of huge stress for me and it meant the world.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

K, that’s good news about your Niece! I hope she has a speedy recovery from the surgery.

[finding_laura]

So good to hear! I will continue to say prayers for your niece.

Have a good rest of the week xo Laura

[Monica1]

Just caught up on your posts. So pleased that the car crash both came out unscathed. Guardian angel there. I will pray for your niece. You are entitled to feel the way you do about it but I am glad the tumour is contained and hope that a surgical solution will be the end of it. Thinking of you Kathryn. Much love xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn,
It’s good to read that your niece’s illness sounds very treatable. Look after yourself during this stressful time .
Xx

[kathryn]

Heading off today for a long weekend camping.
We are staying at a caravan park (thankfully) so heaters will be on full blast, its meant to be rain and storms today (ugh) but will clear for the rest of the weekend.
My niece has had a bit of a setback. Turns out that her tumor is super rare and aggressive, and although they have got it all from her left ovary it WILL come back into the right one. They are talking about a full hysterectomy. Devastating for a 32 year old. We will know more next week.
Its easy for me to say just get rid of it all, I have 3 children.
My heart is breaking for her. Lots of decisions to be made and she isn’t a great decision maker at the best of times. Shes a roll with the punches type of girl.
Not much else to report.
Looking forward to 3 days of relaxation with great people.
Take care everyone,
Love K xxx

[vera]

Kathryn, I hope you have a great trip. Feet up and let the men do the work!!
Remember – It’s a Woman’s World!!!
I will include your niece in my prayers.
(A sinner’s prayers , I may add!)
We never know what Life will throw up to us.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
I am so sorry to read about your niece – how absolutely devastating for her- children are such a blessing and I feel privileged every day to be a mum.

I will pray for your niece and for you and their rest of her family – why do horrible things happen to good people ?

She is blessed to have someone like you in her life.xx

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and your niece and said a prayer for her. Maybe they can harvest her eggs for the future. It does sound like she needs to explore her options and ask a lot of questions ie stats re it returning, what if she does nothing for a while etc.alternatives. Some tough life decisions to be made. I feel for her and her family.
I hope your break is enjoyable.

.

[maverick.]

Kathryn,

So very sorry to hear about your niece I truly hope everything works out the very best it can, you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Hope the camping trip went well and I hope you managed to get some relaxing time………its nice to get away from it all, relax and let the mind wonder into nice places, anyway just wanted to wish you well and let you know I was thinking about you are yours, also hope your boy has fully recovered from being ill…….kids cause us alot of stress trust me I know to well but in fairness they also bring us alot of love and happiness!

Take care and all my very best.

Maverick

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn I replied to you on my thread.

You never entered my head at all when I wrote that post . I guess I write it because I know that if I had one person who really supported me (in my offline life) I could have kicked this years ago – just some of us dont and I kinda get fed up when I am in groups and keep being told the same thing!

You have never offended me or anyone – u are a kind and supportive person and I am honoured you consider me a friend on here – so please don’t second guess yourself ot worry about people taking offence XX

[i-did-it]

Missing u Kathryn – hope I haven’t offended u xx

[kathryn]

IDI – no, you haven’t offended me!!!!!
Im not the kind to be easily offended anyway, I think stuff like that is becoming waaaay out of hand these days!
Ive had the day from hell.
Well, not really hell, but stressful enough that I have been in the foulest mood all day!
Dames has been pressuring me to get a new phone (out of contract) and he promised mine to someone else!
So, in I go today and get the new phone. Exactly the same as the old phone but supposedly ‘better’.
Anyway, they couldn’t activate it, meaning that I wasn’t leaving until all that stuff was organised. P off number 1.
So, I get home and then have to race out to get Harry (hour round trip), p off number 2. Then I get home to try and reset my old phone to factory settings only to find that I had asked Jode a couple of years ago to put a code on to stop me purchasing credits on a game (I do believe I posted here about it), anyways, I ring her and say ok, I need this code to unlock the phone and she says…..I cant remember it!!!!!
We have spent all day trying to figure it out. She was so stressed she went for a sleep this afternoon!!!!! I really should have known, that girl can never remember a password for ANYTHING!!! We have been hysterical about it, but it has been so tiring!!! Normally stuff like that doesn’t bother me BUT Dames had promised this phone to someone else (without asking me) and told me he would give it to them today so I felt sooooo under pressure. (so did jode)
Then I CRACKED IT!!!!!
I have been a fair cow to be honest, but I cant pull myself out of it. I cant even look at him. Yes I know I put the code on, for my safety, and it isn’t REALLY his fault, but it IS cause im tired and stressed and I wasted my whole Saturday with this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, that’s my day. I ran him and his friends to a party tonight and he has just messaged me to come pick them up. Imagine my joy????
Im sure he heard the tone in my texted “OK”!!!!
As soon as we get home im going to bed and hopefully wake up feeling much better. (for his sake!!!)
Take care friends, and ill have a post tomorrow, sorry ive been absent, but I worked with the big boss last week and every night is a 7pm finish, lots of overtime but id rather be home!!!!!
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[kathryn]

Firstly, the phone issue has been resolved. I was grasping at straws and managed to put the correct number in….phew!
I have had today off. Its been quite busy, ive just got home after leaving at 8.30 this morning. Looked after Tex for Brea while she went to see the accountant, then a little bit of grocery shopping and then I got my hair done, a 2 hour ordeal, 3 if I get it styled (which I didn’t today).
We are going away again tomorrow. It is the Australian rules grand final this weekend, Friday is a public holiday for everyone (god knows why but im taking it!). I managed to get a half day tomorrow, I will work in the morning after getting a lift with one of the other nurses, then Dames is picking me up from work all loaded up and we are off.
Its meant to be a glorious day tomorrow which im grateful for, its not easy to put up a camper trailer in high wind!!!!
We are off the grid this weekend so no power for heaters…..and the temp is going to drop dramatically. Ive got extra blankets etc and hopefully we wont be too cold, I hate the cold!!!!!
Anyway, there are a few of us going so it should be fun, big bonfire and good company.
Its a cheap weekend, some fuel and a little bit of food, everything else ive taken from home. Next week however, is a different story, but ill post on that later.
Take care all, have a lovely gamble free weekend,
Love K xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your posts on my thread. The last time I purchased a new phone was 3 years ago as my other one died. I was at the place for 2 hours while they activated and transferre all of my info onto the new phone. I’m holding on to this one as long as I can. It serves it’s purpose. I don’t feel the need for the newest top of the line phone. I hope you have a great weekend get away. Take care.

[kathryn]

Just a little update, we had a lovely weekend away. Be it very very cold but the fire was roaring, so hot in fact that I had to remove my coat!
So I have the next 3 days off. I am so excited, Jode and I are heading to the big smoke today (Melbourne) we have booked a hotel for 2 nights, and tonight we are going to see the one and only Cher!!!! I have packed my entire wardrobe for the trip, this includes 5 pairs of shoes…..5!!!!! Ridiculous I know but hey, why not?
Tomorrow night we have booked dinner at a piano bar in the city, it looks fantastic. We need this break, just her and I. In saying that, we both have shocking colds!!!! Poor Jode has lost her voice so I guess I will just have to sing doubly loud at Cher tonight for the both of us……lol
Would never ever have afforded this when I was in action.
Its times like this that I am so grateful for this site and all the help and advice I have received over the years. I got my life back, and I love it.
Apart from that, alls well in my world, kids, hubby, grandkids are all happy and healthy which is all that I can ask for.
So, I hope you are all doing ok,
Must go and get organised, I need to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything, not sure how that could be possible as almost everything I own is packed!!!!!!
Love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn, Have a great trip. You deserve it!

[Monica1]

How wonderful. Tell us all about it when you are back. Have a fab time.

[kathryn]

Last weekend was a blast! Cher was amazing and although Jode and I were both quite sick we still managed to have a terrific time.
We went into daylight saving mode last sunday and it has taken me all week to adjust, which is ridiculous as we only lost 1 hour but you would think it was 10 I was soooooo tired.
The weather here is out of this world, 25 and sunny, absolutely beautiful. We are going on a little camping weekend next Saturday so I have spent this morning getting the camper ready. Ive already packed my clothes so all I need to worry about is a bit of food and that’s it. Weather will be much the same and we are going with Dames brother and his wife, who we spend a lot of time with. Im looking forward to it. No real gambling thoughts, ive been too stuffed and too busy to even think about it. It still, to this day, amazes me how I ever found the time to gamble. I suppose I went late at night, I would have been 10 times more tired than I am now. No gambling for me today. That’s all that matters.
Anyways, signing off, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I’m glad your Cher experience was good. Thanks for your post! Have fun on your camping adventure. Have a good weekend.

[i-did-it]

Kathryn
Where do you get the energy – do you find your energy has increased after stopping gambling – I struggle to get out of bed at weekends after sometimes it’s 6pm before I can be bothered to get up .

I am reading your posts and thinking how life could be ? Weekends away instead of lying in bed frantically trying to find money to cover my latest gambling spree. Time spent with friends instead of hiding away.
Gonna sign off now before I drag everyone else’s mind down .

Hope you are having the best weekend xx

[kathryn]

So I had a lovely relaxing weekend away, sat on my butt pretty much the whole time.
On the drive home I realised something.
My ‘other’ addiction, smoking, had left me feeling a bit yuck
So I made the decision that I was going to stop.
And I did……..yesterday. So its day 2 for me. Oh boy.
Dames and Jode are in it with me, so hopefully we can do this. I have already cleaned the house and done the ironing this morning….for the record…I do not iron….EVER!
I have Tex for a few hours later on this morning so that will be a good time waster.
Planning a little trip into Kmart for a few bits and bobs this afternoon before I pick up Harry.
The concept is the same……fill those days.
On the up, I will be saving almost $900 a month…..how INSANE is that???? And if Dames does it too that will be doubled…….no wonder I have no money!!!!!
That in itself is incentive enough.
No gambling thoughts……im overwhelmed with the smoking ones right now (yes, im wearing a patch)
More posting for me as I wont be sitting in the shed giving myself the black lung. And no, I will NEVER be one of those reformed smokers that start on people who smoke.
So.…..one day at a time, in more ways than one!!!!
Take care friends,
Kathryn xxx

[i-did-it]

What a great decision Kathryn – and how cool it willbe to save so much money. Well done on getting through day one – the early days are difficult. Have you any plans for ur money you save? Are you going to save it in a particular way (piggy bank?) or just notice the difference in how much you have ?

Keep up the good work – and look forward to a healthier, wealthier you !

[lizbeth4]

You can do it! I stopped 7 years ago because of health reasons. My Mom and Sister have stopped. I truly don’t miss it! I tried patches, gum, being hypnotized. Cold Turkey worked for me. Wow, what are you going to do with all of the money??? Take care.

[lizbeth4]

You can do it! I stopped 7 years ago because of health reasons. My Mom and Sister have stopped. I truly don’t miss it! I tried patches, gum, being hypnotized. Cold Turkey worked for me. Wow, what are you going to do with all of the money??? Take care.

[Nick]

HI Kathryn well done and deciding to quit apart from the financial side you will feel much healthier , so good to hear . And Cher im well jel one of my fav singers.

[kathryn]

So, day 5 not smoking almost over.
I have this little app, and its telling me that I haven’t smoked 113 cigarettes (OMG) and have saved almost $150. That’s just me. Good grief!!!!! I had to put in all my details, how many a day, what they cost etc and was floored.
Im wearing my patch and have my sucker (helps with cravings), not that im really craving, its just the habit I need to break.
So….in 2 weeks im going to the R&B Friday concert with Brea. Its in Melbourne and we are catching the train. I am soooo excited, Usher, Salt and Pepper and Fatman Scoop will be there plus a lot of others. It goes for about 7 hours….I will be dead!!! We are in the mosh pit, oh dear lord help me!!We haven’t been anywhere on our own for a long time so it will be great fun!
Jode and I bought tickets to the Eagles this week, they will be here in March. We are doing what we did for the Cher concert and staying 2 nights in Melbourne. Imagine how much money I will have then when I haven’t smoked for 4+ months!!!
Dames and I have barely stopped moving since we quit. His shed looks amazing, the house is all done, still plenty to keep me busy though and tomorrow we are going to go and get some tomato plants for our back yard. I thought it would be a good idea, something to do and look after, not to mention lovely tomatoes. I thought I might see if I can grow some asparagus, although I have to google that, as you all know I do not ever garden, so it will be very interesting.
Last night I went to dinner with 4 of my high school girl friends. We do it once a month and it was lovely, we laugh the whole time! We got the waiter to take a pic of us, and one of the girls decided it wasn’t high enough (you know, the great angle for the best chin and thinnest look…lol) Well the waiter ended up standing on the seat (we were in a booth), then his mate came up and put him on his shoulders!!!! It looks like the photo was taken on a cherry picker…it was hysterical, and yes, our chins look AMAZING!!!
Anyway, just a quick (or not so quick) post,
Happy weekend friends,
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, Thanks for your post and support. Youv e really been busy! The concert with your Daughter sounds amazing. You can grow veggies. I never did till I moved into my house 5 years ago. Now I have quite the green thumb. I’m glad your quitting smoking is going well. It’s just the habit of having one in your hand. Have a great weekend.

[Monica1]

Me next for those. To me this is the hardest to beat and you r doing so well.
I think my day will be the new year. Eeekkk..
you are doing amazing Kathryn and getting the most out of life. Sounds like a lot of fun. As they say in the U.K, was well Jel about Cher. I think she is amazing. Next stop, the eagles, welcome to the hotel,California reminds of the U.K. and the eu, you can check out any time you like but you can never leave. That makes me smile.
Laughter is good for the soul.

[kathryn]

Hey everyone, Life has been busy. No smokes for 13 days now…..Ive shocked myself!!! Still want one, but I have my little sucker thing that keeps those cravings at bay, and my patch. My little garden is going well. Im amazed at how quickly its growing, those tomatoes have doubled in size in a week!!! Its been a nice diversion, and is giving me something else to focus on. I don’t have to return to work until Thursday, tomorrow is a public holiday, Wednesday is my day off so I took today as well!!! Hopefully I will get some jobs done around the house. So Bailey got himself a car. He is still a learner driver so we need to be in the car with him. A friend of Dames has sold him the car and he can pay it off which is lovely. Its a ripper. So it was delivered on Saturday, he spent all afternoon washing it and making it nice. Do you think that his father would take him out for a drive in it???? Now, correct me if im wrong, but there are some things in this world that , for the most part, if possible, is a father/son moment. (I get that it is not always the case!) All day yesterday we were home. I said to Dames, are you taking Bailey for a drive. You can imagine Bailey, chomping at the bit to have a drive in his new car. Not today Dames says. So I stewed. And I stewed. And yesterday afternoon I said to Bailey, get your shoes on, we are going for a drive. I then said to Dames, this should be your moment with him and you are an effing mean man!!!!! You see, when you are supervising, your alcohol level needs to be 0.0. He couldn’t not have a beer for one day. He could have taken him out yesterday morning for a drive and then came home and wiped himself out. We haven’t spoken since. As a father, that is a piss poor effort on his part. He should be ashamed of himself. I am FURIOUS and don’t even want to look at him. On the bright side, Bailey and I had a great drive, I was white knuckled the whole time….lol. Bailey wouldn’t ask Damian to take him for a drive, firstly because he wouldn’t want Dames to get mad, and secondly he wouldn’t want to have to deal with the rejection when he said no. Dames doesn’t speak to his father, he said he would when he started acting like one. Seems to me he is going down the same path. He is missing everything. Its not my job to fix him. But I will not put up with this sort of thing anymore. Rant over!!!!!! Love K xxxxxxxxx

[velvet]

Hi K

It is good to off-load and hopefully you felt a little better for it – I think you will top this week’s ranter class; I thought it was a well-deserved rant. How sad it is when bad behaviour is passed on but don’t stop trying to teach the old dog new tricks – keep showing him by example how good it is to give Bailey time and maybe – just maybe a switch will be thrown.

Keep going with the non-smoking too – I gave up donkey’s years ago and I didn’t find it easy (what does one do with one’s hands?). Like you, I used little sucker things, after trying to give up and not succeeding for years. It was all or nothing for me but one day, finally, my determination kicked in and I wouldn’t have one now, not for all the tea in China. The real benefit, for me, took a year to kick in but you are already aware that if something has been part of your life for a long time, it takes time to find different ways to deal with the effects of stopping. I promise you the effort is worth it – and health wise – well – it is amazing.

I love your upbeat posts and I feel for you in your rants. You have held that beacon of hope up for so many over the years.  You deserve to live a great adventure.

As ever

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Keep up with the non smoking. It’s been years for me and I do feel a lot better. We can’t fix anyone and their bad,behavior but we don’t have to like it. I’m happy that Bailey got to drive thanks to you!! He will remember Mom taking the time with him. Hope you are having a good day.

[i-did-it]

Hey Kathryn
I do most of the father/ son moments in my house lol!
Matches always seem to come first unless of course it is a trip to where a match might be on!

I get this post – it could have been my house !
Well done on the ciggies – u will be very rich soon !
Xx

[vera]

Very few REAL men left, Kathryn.
Such a pity because “only a man can teach a boy how to become a man”!
Pity they lost their skill.
I love to see a good dad/son relationship. They are scarce these days.
Speak up men!
Women want to be mothers, not fathers!
Well done on the Cig- free days. I’m an ex smoker too. I hated them even when I did smoke.

[finding_laura]

OMG Kathryn,

I caught up on a months worth of your posts. I’m totally exhausted reading them! This comes from someone who get’s exhausted getting out of bed lol Keep living the adventure Kathryn. I’m jealous of all the glorious camping trips yet to come as your summer is just really getting started. But only in the way that one friend is happy to see another getting on so well.

It’s disappointing when our partner’s don’t step up to their responsibilities and allow their habits or self interest to get in the way. But I guess we had our moments like that too when self absorbed in our addiction. We probably weren’t stellar parents all the time to put it mildly. Doesn’t mean it can’t be maddening watching someone do it to our baby. I hope he has come around and taken him out for a drive.

Keep going with the quit smoking! Why did I think you had already done that? You can do this. You have all the tools. And just think of that ap balance paying for your next big trip.

Thanks for checking in on me. Things are a bit tough since returning to work a while back. But I’m still here fighting the good fight.

Have an awesome week.
Laura

[kathryn]

Nice to have a bit of understanding on the men front (sorry fellas, its not aimed at ALL of you lol)
So the next day Dames came home and took Bailey straight out in the car so something I said must have stuck.
They were working at a house where Damian could leave the work trailer so they did that and Bailey drove to work every day. His hours are adding up quickly now which is great. I did drop his car to the mechanic to see what we needed for a roadworthy to transfer the car into Baileys name so fingers crossed it wont be anything too expensive.
Laura, I did quit many years ago, for 1 year. I think it would be more than 7 years ago, but then took it up again…..ugh.
So im on day 20 now and we are doing pretty good. Neither Dames or I have had one, but he has been eating like a crazy person I have NEVER seen anything like it. Mind you, he can afford to put some weight on where im here counting every little thing, totally paranoid that I will blow up like Violet in Willy Wonka!!!!
I went to the R and B live concert on Saturday night with Brea and we had a blast. It was soooo much fun and there was an enormous amount of people of all ages. I stayed over at her house and woke up to Tex tickling my toes…lol.
I have today off (thankfully, I was a little under the weather yesterday) and am planning to get some housework done.
My garden is going great guns, and my little plants are taking off which is exciting to watch.
My mothers youngest sister died on the weekend, she looked just like mum and was a beautiful lady. Id like to think they are all meeting up there for a chinwag. Not sure when the funeral is but I have let work know, so it will be an opportunity to catch up with the cousins (mum has 14 siblings so you can imagine how many cousins there are!!!)
Terrible that it takes a funeral but that’s the way it is.
Back to work tomorrow, not long till Christmas (eeeek)
I need to start shopping. Christmas is such a stressful time, I am just so glad that gambling isn’t in the mix there.
Love K xxx

[Nick]

Hi Kathryn well done on packing the cancer sticks in, you will benefit greatly from it. And thank you for your message on my journal means alot.

[finding_laura]

Hey Kathryn,

sorry about your aunt, my condolences. Enjoy your family members no matter the opportunity.

So you see I’ve made it back to your thread already! Keep the good times rolling Katy girl!

Yes I thought we had both quit smoking around similar times. I have over 8 years in now, having quit a half year after stopping gambling. All the things we learn in recovery about triggers and HALT causing cravings that all transfers to other habits. As you said you have the tools you need 🙂

I’m very proud of you Kathryn. You’ve really grown as a person these past 9 years. You are like the phoenix who has spread their wings and is soaring.

Have a good night xo
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn , well done on staying away from the ciggies- you just have amazing will power to also be able to watch what you eat .
Can I offer my sympathies also on the passing of your auntie – I know it hits hard after we have lost our own parents . Weddings and funerals seem to be the only times my family gets together also so even sad occasions have a lighter side .

It’s great to Read that life is going so well for you .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Congrats on being cigarette free. It’s not easy. I’m sorry to hear about your Aunt. I lost my last Aunt last year. No Aunts or Uncles remaining. Thanks for your post on my thread. Both of my Daughters and Grandchildren were with me and it was awesome. I’m with you on Christmas. I’m ordering the Grandkids presents in a week, payday. I think that will relieve some of the stress related to the holidays. Everyone else is receiving homemade gifts, jewelry! Thanks for your support. I hope you have a good week.

[kathryn]

Not my usual day off but I had a tooth pulled yesterday and took today off in case I was feeling under the weather.
God I hate the dentist. I actually, for the first time in my life took a ‘relaxer’ before I went. Jode drove me in. I think It helped. I have to go back for a check next week. I am getting a plate made as I have no bottom teeth at the back now. You would never know. Thank goodness my front teeth, the ones you can see when I smile are nice and straight. But I do need to be able to eat I guess so the plate it is and a lot of $$$$ to go with it. (in saying that it may be a good weight loss aid….lol)
Still not smoking, 1 month and 6 days. I still want one, but the patch is doing enough for me thank goodness.
I have almost finished my Christmas shopping. Afterpay has been my best friend and I have done a lot of it online. I have a lay by to pick up next week and then I can see exactly what I have/need. Hopefully not too much more, its so expensive, although im getting off light with the boys as they went to WWE this year which was the main part of their Christmas present. 2 Christmas parties this weekend, both my family and Dames, so they will be out the way nice and early.
Only 3 more weeks left of work then a 2 week break for Christmas. Dames and I are going camping for a week, the boys are staying at home, they don’t want to come so it will be very very quiet at the river this year.
I bought myself a diary (I think I mentioned that) and I cant believe how much I have on next year in terms of trips away. the first 6 months are pretty busy! Never would I have been able to afford such things when I was gambling. And now with not smoking…….although, I cant say that we are saving any money. We just aren’t spending it. At least $400 a week went on cigarettes (disgusting I know).
I am starting a payment plan for next Christmas, its time to organise my life. Ive been doing that with my cupboards at home, organising. Its such a nice feeling when its done and everything has a place.
Anyway, just an update from me, I have to go and do a few jobs while I have this day off.
Take care my friends, Love k xxx

[lizbeth4]

Good to see your post. I think everyone hates the dentist! LOL! Good on being smoke free. It’s very hard to do. I couldnt believe the price of cigarettes the last time I  looked. Amazing how much they have gone up since i stopped smoking. You are a very busy lady. Isn’t it awesome how we can afford trips and things when we aren’t gambling? Well, have a good day. You deserve it!

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn,
Well done on your smoking free time . Do you miss it ? Great experiences are so much better than money sitting in a bank.
You have quite the high flying lifestyle nowadays!

That’s actually a great idea to have a Christmas plan – a little every month we would hardly miss but it would soon add up .

It’s great to read your positive update
Xx

[i-did-it]

Happy new year Kathryn
Looking forward to an update on your thread.xx

[kathryn]

Life is pretty crap at the moment, haven’t gambled but can’t help but wonder what does it matter! Everything is my fault, feeling super low and depressed. Sorry I havent been around, everything is just too hard. How do you get blood from a stone? Dames is furious, I’ve maxed out the credit card and why? Cause he wasn’t working…..but that’s my fault.
Sorry for feeding my children, sorry for paying the bills, sorry for covering for your lazy arse. Why bother!

[jen3]

Sorry K! Life can be so darn difficult could you imagine how much worse it would be if you were still gambling. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, I thought of you the other day and should of posted on your thread. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What were you supposed to do? I’m glad that you were not gambling also. Life can be crappy at times. Thinking of you today.

[vera]

I know how frustrated you feel, Kathryn. I have asked myself “Why bother” often. Unfortunately that attitude brought me to the casino. That’s the way CGs deal with problems.
Why is Dames not working? Is he ill or just no work available?
You can’t be held responsible for everything, Kathryn.
If it consoles you, most people are in a financial crisis post Christmas but your main consolation is your present situation isn’t as a result of gambling. When my husband says “I had to pay x amount to have the car serviced x amount for fuel etc” I feel myself shrinking into the ground. I ALWAYS think “If I hadn’t lost so much money gambling he wouldn’t have this stress”.
The thing is Kathryn we should learn to take joint responsibility for expenses. You have been doing a lot so don’t feel you have to pick up the tab for everything.
I hope Dames gets work soon….
I was going to just say
“MEN…”
when I started this post but I thought twice!!!!

[kathryn]

Ok so I had had a couple of bourbons before I posted that last night, I’m clear headed today. The scenario is that dames work has been really up and down the last year. I have been reluctant to use his pay for living expenses to ensure that the bills were covered for as long as possible, not knowing when the next pay would arrive. So I used the card. Yep, I should have told him and take 100% responsibility for that. He won’t listen to me, and as far as he is concerned I have just been spending without thought. He refuses to take ANY responsibility, and that is what makes me so angry. It takes 2 to tango, and I would never have done it inless I felt worried that there may not be a pay day for a while (he lost his mojo last year and became very lazy, we discussed it)
So that’s where I am. Can’t do much about it, it is what it is but thanks girls for your support, I appreciate it, I really do.
Onwards and upwards, K xxxxx

[i-did-it]

HI Kathryn,
I have done the alcohol inspired posting thing myself although I usually find these are my really honest posts!
I crazily am the one in my house who always has the burden of making ends meet – and when they don’t my husband too is very quick to attribute blame. He has a great lifestyle – I gamble ! I think it’s pretty equal though.

I think Vera summed it up in one word !
MEN!
Lol
Great to see you posting !

[lizbeth4]

Just checking in to see how you’re doing. Hope things are better. Take care!

[lizbeth4]

Hi K. Just checking to see how you are. Post when u can. Have a great weekend!

[kathryn]

Lizbeth, thank you for always checking in with me.
Not sure where to start really.
Firstly I haven’t gambled. My famous quote of ‘no money = no gambling’ rings true in this house so that was never an option.
I have been stressed. Super stressed. Super duper stressed.
I cant remember ever being so low in funds. Every account has been drained. There is no more. The last few weeks have seen me trying to pull money this way and that just to cover our bills. And they are mounting. I am unable to get any kind of loan (I tried) and because Dames work is so up and down it hasn’t helped the situation one little bit.
So im doing whatever I can, which isn’t much but go to work. I have managed to cash in some of my holiday hours this week and although Dames has money coming we aren’t sure when it will come. He tells me that once we get through Easter he has lots and lots of work. Great! Lets hope we don’t go under before then. At least if we had our house I could have drawn some money from the mortgage or something. Sheesh. We have had a trip booked for this weekend for a year. Its paid for thankfully, so I am taking every single thing from this house and spending as little as possible. It will really only be some petrol money. I feel guilty that we are going when we are in these dire straits, but the whole family (including Brea and the kids) have booked and I feel I cannot pull out. Theres about 20 of us.
In saying that its not all bad. Dames and I are communicating a lot better where the money is concerned. We are actually talking about our finances, which we never did before so that is a good thing. Small blessings.
On the personal front, we just celebrated Mums 1 year anniversary. What a lovely day. A picnic, and a jam biscuit bake off. My mum was famous for them and it was a bit of a running joke in our family as we always knew when my brother was coming to visit because she would make them. Brea won the title (of course!) although I think it may have been rigged.
Family is good, Brea is back to work 2 days a week. It was Baileys birthday yesterday, he was 20 (insert that emoji face with the big stare!) and she came over for a spaghetti dinner. I even made the cake myself! Well, it was from a box but boy that Betty Crocker knows her stuff! Tex loved it, 2 big pieces. Ive boxed up the rest to take away…great bribe!
Della is the sweetest little angel. I sing to her a lot and she loves it. She is very touchy. Always reaching out to touch my face, I think she is going to be very affectionate. Tex is too busy for any of that! lol
Harry is hating school, that great age of 14….im not sure what to do about that but hopefully things will settle down. It seems all his friends are in the same boat. He is so smart, but wont use it which I find super frustrating.
My sister has been down from Darwin and I was lucky enough to have her to myself for a whole week. Mind you, she drinks a lot, so we had some late late nights, so much so that one lunch time at work I had to have a nap during my lunch break! But it was so lovely to spend that time with her, we usually don’t get that much.
So, theres me on a plate! Things could be much worse I know. As usual I try to stay positive but I do tend to withdraw when im stressed so im sorry I haven’t been around. Not sure if there is a group this morning but ill keep checking.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

It was good to see your post. I’m sorry about your finamces but you seem to be doing all that you can. One day at a time applies also. I’m praying things get better for you. The positive is that you and Hubby are communicating better and you are not gambling. Have a nice werkend trip. You deserve it! The picnic for your Mum was very special. I can’t believe that it’s been a year already. It’s great to keep the memories going. Your Grandchildren sound delightful. My oldest turned 13 and my Granddaughter will be 2 in March. Time flies. Try not to sttess too much. I know that’s easier said than done. Take care.

[vera]

Good to see a post from you, Kathryn. Despite the dire straits, you haven’t gambled. I hope things level out for you and the family. Not having enough money to get by IS stressful. The good thing is you are young and fit and Dames WILL get work. Have you managed to stay off the smokes? That would be a big saving and a couple of “dry” months for the man himself might help the finances. Every time we need money for a big bill, I just go cold, thinking if I hadn’t gambled we wouldn’t be stressed over bills but there is no place for shuddas or cuddas in recovery, Kathryn we just have to accept the thing we cannot change, etc. hopefully you will get a tax rebate. Is this the time of year you get that? It is here. I got a few bob and I was delighted. We sure know the value of money now m’darlin’! Chin up. Everything changes. Give it time.

[kathryn]

Wow, I haven’t been here for a while.
Life has been busy, it seems that there is something on almost every weekend.
Home front is much better. While not brilliant, definitely improving on the finance front and I don’t feel so anxious all the time anymore. Theres better communication between Dames and myself and that has helped a lot.
I do have some personal stuff going on. Im in a bit of limbo, in a situation im not sure what to do with. I cant really go into any detail, but needless to say, im going to just sit on it and see how things play out.
Im also back on the cigarettes. UGH!!! I know!!!!! Still planning on giving up, but stress won this round. Not gambling though, so the bank balance (be it small), is safe, however my lungs……..anyway, it is what it is and ill do it again.
Ive missed you guys. A lot. Ive withdrawn a bit and I know it and im sorry. I can only do what I can do at this very moment.
I just wanted to drop a line, im alive, im healthy (I think), happy in some ways, not in others.
One day at a time.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

It was good to see your post, I’m glad that things are better. You will stop the cigarettes when you are ready. Take care of yourself.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post on my thread. Life doesn’t always go the way you think. I never thought that I would be raising a 2 year old but I am. Sometimes it’s very challenging but well worth it. Her Mommy, my youngest Daughter, is working to build a good life for both of them. The visit with my Grandson was good. He is a awesome kid!
I’m glad that you are doing well. It’s great to hear. Hope to see you post more. Take care!

[kathryn]

Funny, I was just coming upstairs to my computer when I got the ping on my email……
Hmmmm, well, I haven’t been doing a whole lot to be honest!
That would be because I am going to Thailand in 2 weeks for a 10 night holiday with my bestie (and her kids, mum and brother)
When she split from her husband there was a $5000 travel voucher he had won and he gave it to her soooooooo…….
Lucky me!
I have never been to Thailand, Phuket exactly and apparently it is beautiful. I have hardly saved any money lol but thankfully all I need is spending and travel insurance which I must get onto now that I say that.
Ive already packed! lol
Jode and I are back doing the football club canteen, we had 2 massive games in 1 week and I really did think I was going to die!!!! It was huge! Took me a week to get over. While its tiring I love the buzz of it, I see a lot of people that I haven’t seen for a while, I spend the day with my best friend and we get paid to do it so win win win!
Family, well Harry turned 15 last Monday, and we had a dinner with Brea and the grandies of course. Tex was a bit unwell and very tired, the photos are hilarious, wish I could post them here!
Its interesting, this time in my life, no kids to really worry about anymore, Bailey is 20 and Harry has always been so independent. Its just me and Dames for a lot of the time.
Im not sure that I love that to be honest. I know, I sound super mean, but im looking inwardly now, trying to find out who I really am. My whole life I have had someone else to worry about, look after. Since I was 20 years old ive had children. And now…..what?
Still in limbo with my personal life stuff…..I have Jode to bounce things off, but she is in the midst of her own stuff, we are kind of mirroring each other, sort of.
I am having a very quiet weekend, no plans, id like to get some work done around the house and clean out my wardrobe…..its horrendous! If I can do that its a weekend well spent.
No gambling, I am coming up to 10 years now (give or take a couple of ‘slips’) I have no interest in it, It’s almost like another life, another me. I cant say, financially, that we are kicking goals, although I cant imagine my life if I hadn’t stopped, maybe I wouldn’t even be here so I am truly thankful that I found GT when I did, and all my beautiful supportive friends. This site kept me going, kept me sane and grounded, kept me alive really. It was my reason to live, to keep fighting those rotten urges, to self exclude.
I haven’t really thought about that before.
Anyways, enough boo hooing!!!!! LOL
Ill get round to posting this weekend, I have to go have a shower and wash my hair (im a Wednesday, Saturday girl)
Thank you for thinking of me RG, It means a lot!
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for posting on my thread. I guess you hadn’t read that I quit my part time job as I have my Granddaughter full time now while my Daughter is on the road for 1 year. Life is hectic but worth it.
Congrats on your gamble free time! Enjoy your vacation as you deserve it. Take care and post when you can.

[kathryn]

RG, thank you for bringing me back to the top!!!!
6 weeks since ive been here…..time sure does fly.
I have the most pathetic excuse…..so I went to Thailand (more to come on that) and I had my nails done. For all you gals out there I got acrylic so that they wouldn’t break on my trip. Well, they ended up sooooooo long I couldn’t type, TRULY!!!!
Nails are now super short and I can live a normal life again. lol!!!
Thailand…..what a great trip. The weather was divine, hardly a drop of rain the whole time we were there.
My highlight was the visit to the elephants. There were 3, a baby, a 7yo and a 30yo. It was a rescue sanctuary. We got to feed them, and give the baby a bottle (so cute). I was then asked to walk one up a big hill. You hold their ear and can sort of manoeuvre them, but in truth im sure she had done it a million times so she was proboably walking me!!! It was, quite scary, such a big animal. But the best bit was that there was a pool, and we got to go in with them. We washed them with scrubbing brushes. Oh my. The mamma elephant took a shine to me and Jode, im sure she knew we were mammas too. It was a moment of true happiness for me.
I cant say I did a whole lot of shopping cause money was tight! But, Jode and I had a blast.
We are in a financial disaster zone in this house at the moment and im not sure what to do. I cant work any more than I am. Dames work is so up and down and at the moment its way down. We are struggling. I wish he would get a normal job. At least there would be money every week and I could budget. As it stands i spend all week hoping he gets enough to cover the bills and then breathe out for the weekend. Monday comes and it starts all over again.
I babysat Della on Saturday night, it was Breas bday and they went for a night in Melbourne. Cams mum had Tex. Della had a cold, shes a clingy baby anyway but oh boy i could not be out of eyesight. The granny in me LOVED every second. The mother in me needed to get stuff done! Dames was a tiny bit helpful…..ugh.
So my 10 year gamble free anniversary came and went without much fanfare. I have got my exclusion letter here. Im calling today to book an appointment to re exclude.
I imagined, 10 years down the track, living some extravagant life in my own home, not a worry in the world…..HAHHAHAH.
The dream world of a CG……some things never change.
In saying that…..im alive, im sane (for the most part) and im grateful for what i do have.
I am living.
Love, K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Your trip sounded awesome! I’m happy that you had a good time. Life is full of highs and lows. You will get through your financial stuff! Congratulations on your 10 years!! That’s quite a accomplishment. Continue having a blast with your Grandbabies. They grow so fast! Take care. It was good to see your post.

[charles]

The Dreamworld of a CG? Yes it was, being in a pool with elephants? – dreams become reality in recovery, even dreams we had never dreamt of 🙂

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
What a great reason to not be here ! Fabulous nails sure beats hiding in shame .

I echo Charles words – in a pool with elephants sounds like an absolute dream. Recovery makes our dreams become reality .
Elephants never forget So they will remember you forever .

I still haven’t quite got there but I struggle along and do my best to do my best !

Thanks for sharing your fabulous experience .

[Goodenough]

Hi I was just wondering if anyone wants to join me in the chat forum?

[dunc]

Hi Goodenough

It may help if you start your own thread within the forums. Its really easy. If your logged in click this link

Kind Regards

Dunc

[dunc]

What a fabulous post. 10 years! I cant believe its 10 years since you came to GT

You’ve worked hard and sure life may not be perfect but it sure could be a lot worse

Im proud of you

Take Care

Dunc

[kathryn]

RG, Lizbeth, Charles, IDI, thank you for your posts.
Dunc, well what can I say. A MASSIVE part of my recovery is due to you, I know that you would never take one ounce of credit, but in those early days you gave me so much knowledge and your belief in me was something that kept me strong. The amount of times, to this day, I hear your words in my head….
It means a lot that you posted and I hope you know that you changed one persons world and she is eternally grateful.
Im plodding along, not much news. A couple of days off for me which is nice.
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

God i loved that post…….LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So true, we ARE superheroes!  And 50 is the new 30 apparently, and if its not well im going to make bloody sure that it is!!!!!!!!!

Im like you, i know all the songs, even the ones i hate, even that old town road LOL!!!!  Harry plays some shocking music, truly horrifying, but there i am, dancing in the car while his rappers go on and on.  Its amazing just how often they reference food.  My theory is that their music is  crap, so they arent making any money and they are HUNGRY!! Hence the food……they are DYING to eat something…..ANYTHING!!!!

I am that dancing mother.  And yes, i will continue to be.  I AM WITH YOU 100%!!!!!!!!

Your post made me laugh……out loud and everything!

Have a good weekend, love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[i-did-it]

I think 50s are strange – I joined the club recently – still kinda stuck with kids who don’t really don’t want us – they just want our food, our money and a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong ! I kinda love the freedom so much however , I am questioning was I ever really maternal ? Lol.

My almost grown son lights up my life when he eventually appears home – so much better than the drudgery of playing trains and building Lego of the past !

I love that I can have a grown up space again – but I hate that often I am looking for somewhere to sit as the hordes of friends invade the house !

It is a great time of our lives and would be absolutely perfect if it wasn’t for middle age spread , creaky joints and ever deepening wrinkles.

As for men – attractiveness comes from within . Age is a great leveller – and it becomes more about grooming and confidence and less about nature – nothing saps our confidence like the sense of failure and the poverty that gambling brings .
! I can’t say I have noticed any difference in how men treat me – except the younger ones are more respectful and helpful!

To sum up – middle age spread and creaky joints can be aided by good diet and exercise (I know yawn!!). I’m not great with either but I guess this comes down to the practicing self care that should be part of our recovery .
Wrinkles – well there’s always Botox and a host of other solutions that may become more affordable if we work hard to maintain recovery .

So I guess the secret to living a wonderful 50’s lies in doing what we need to in order to stay gamble free!

… and now I need to start practicing all that I have preached !!

[kathryn]

Monday morning….I have today off, not by choice but im taking it.
Its been a while. I have been on 2 camping trips, just weekenders, but none the less, lovely.
I have a trip planned every month until next march, busy busy.
I know, sounds amazing right? Sounds like I am living the life.
Underneath it all is terrible stress.
We are broke. Broke broke broke.
We have just lost a doctor at work, she has moved on which means that until we find a replacement hours are dropping.
Whats worse, we have another doctor leaving in the next 3 months or so……slim pickings. The boss is trying his darnedest to find someone else, to no avail. I don’t get it really, the money there (for a doctor) is absolutely mind blowing, lovely surrounds, sensational nurses (me included lol)
So im not sure what to do here. Dames work is just picking up but for how long I do not know. We have bills coming out of our ears and not enough income to pay them.
Im stressed, hes stressed and we don’t know how to fix it.
Meanwhile, our facebook pages look amazing, camping with friends, having a lovely time, pretending we don’t have a worry in the world……
Im thinking of calling one of those budget help places to have a look at our finances and see where we are going wrong because in truth it shouldn’t be anywhere near this bad.
Apart from that……lol
Just needed a little vent, I know things will improve, its just a bad (BAD) month.
Hopefully I will get around to everyones threads this afternoon, I need to shower and head to the supermarket to buy the cheapest of everything to get us through this week.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry about your financial situation. But you will get through It! Getting financial advice is a great idea. Your camping trips sound awesome. I’m getting antsy for a adventure!!! Take care.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn

Thank you for your post on my thread – it really means a lot that you take the time to write .

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling financially but I’m guessing the camping trips cost very little if you already have all the equipment and they are a nice break from “real” life!

It is so difficult to manage when money comes irregularly but an idea might be to decide your husband’s pay is for a few specific things for example rent / mortgage and then stick it into an account and let it pay only that by direct debit .

This way it might seem like a more regular source of income as it will stretch ! It is so tempting to splash out when money comes in irregularly as it does feel like a windfall of sorts !

There you go – sound financial advice from someone who is paying off a payday loan, just got referred to two debt collectors and has just about enough for food until payday !

How come is so much easier to give advice than follow it !

Keep posting – I love your updates !

[kathryn]

Advice taken, I need to change what we are doing because what we are doing isn’t working!!!
I had a good week really, work was ok, I have been thinking about looking for another job, perhaps a small part time for when things get lean…..I don’t really want to leave, I do enjoy my work and the people I work with but for now my hours are stable, thankfully.
Not much else to report, i did go out for dinner last night with my high school girls, we still try to catch up monthly, its a couple of hours to laugh and reminisce.
A quiet weekend, getting the camper ready, lists galore and a good chance to relax with no plans.
My house is almost up to date with the cleaning so ill finish it off, i always feel better when its done.
For now, everything is ok.
Love K xxxxx

[hambone]

The thing that really helps me is putting my pay and debits in an Excel document. Have the individual credits and debits as well as a running overall total. This let’s me see where my money’s going and really helps out things in perspective.

If you need help getting setup PM me and I’ll show you how to do it

[kathryn]

Good morning,
I had a hell of a time finding my thread, almost 3 months! Time flies.
So life goes on…..lots has happened.
Im currently doing a course, it was kind of thrust upon us at work, none of us were particularly keen, with good reason, it hasn’t really been a huge benefit where work is concerned, it has, however been a huge stress! I vowed I wouldn’t study again, and this course reminded me of why. The boss wanted us to do it to try and give us more opportunity at work, he, bless him, is trying to keep us all employed and while its a noble gesture the content of this course hasn’t been all that helpful in our work. I have 1 essay to do, I haven’t don’t an essay in 15 years so it should be interesting.
We have been camping a lot and I mean A LOT! It has been so much fun, doesn’t cost a lot more than if we were at home and its been lovely spending time with good family and friends. Ive really needed it. We are away for a week, leaving next Thursday for what I call the Hoe Down! Its Damians siblings and partners, we have been doing it yearly for a while now and the weather is meant to be amazing. We are going to a park in a town that I haven’t been to as yet so that’s something to look forward to.
So I bit the bullet about a month ago and finally opened my mouth and told Dames I wasn’t happy. He had no idea (of course because I never say anything). He offered to move out, he asked if I wanted to move out. Of course I wanted neither, because I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want this life anymore, but at the same time I am terrified of the unknown. I don’t know how I feel about him. I told him I would not be living like this in 10 years time. Am I having a midlife crisis? (im 50 next year) Am I just looking for some excitement in my life? Am I just being selfish?
The thought of living without him makes me both excited, terrified, sad, worried, it goes on and on.
He is trying. He really is. I don’t know if ive already checked out though. I DONT KNOW!!!!
So, I do nothing. For now anyway.
Money is, as always an issue, although it is improving a little.
Ive started my Christmas shopping which is something. This is my last weekend of nothing on then every weekend leading up to Christmas is busy busy so I need to make the most of this weekend. But, of course im sitting here typing away and trying to ignore all the stuff I need to do.
Anyway, im going to have a quick browse of the forum, lots of new names there.
Take care everyone,
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
I liken our age to the teen years when we are uncertain about everything. The past life we have built seems to be slipping though our fingers as our children need us less and less and quite honestly we know they can fully survive without us.

The future we had looked forward to and planned for had changed to a planning for financial security when we can no longer work.
We find ourselves wondering will our homes continue to meet our needs in the next decade or two, as we being to experience twinges of stiffness and aches in joints which were previously supple.
Retirement is becoming something quite real looming in front of us and we look on all the choices we have made with hindsight and wonder did we make the right ones, and is it too late to reinvent ourselves and start again?

I’m sure it’s the same for the “significant other” in our lives.

Whatever you decide Kathryn you deserve the very best life has to offer! There is no right or wrong – there is just what makes you happy !

Take care my friend and post again soon xx

[kathryn]

Well, its Christmas Eve here in the land down under, and I am organised.
In saying that, a quiet Christmas awaits, breakfast with Brea and the grandies, then home. That’s it.
Tonight we have a catch up with Dames family. He states to me last night that he knew nothing about it and he wasn’t going. He is going to ‘hit the couch’. Bah Humbug! (insert cross face here)
He has never been a fan, where as Christmas growing up was massive for me and I loved every minute of it.
Now, the kids have grown, thank goodness for the babies, mum is gone, and Christmas holds a sadness for me that I have never had.
But……I will prevail with my Christmas cheer.
We usually go away this time of year too, and the fact that we aren’t just makes everything just seem a little ordinary.
Damian is working, where as I have 2 weeks off, my practice closes over Christmas. I am planning on doing some much needed work around this house, but alas, my motivation is pretty much zero.
God, I sound like a grinch don’t I?
I feel lonely. More lonely than I have ever felt in my life. Even when everyone is home, I still feel it. Cant quite shake that feeling. Im trying, and hopefully tonight will pep me up a bit. You are right IDI, there is just what makes me happy…..unfortunately im not sure right now what that is, but with everything that has happened in my life I tend to move on quickly.
Anyway, what I really came here to say is that Christmas is HARD! There is no denying it. But for anyone that reads this post, and is either actively gambling or having urges, you deserve so much more than gambling is giving you.
Life is still crappy at times, but by God it is no where near as stressful as a crappy life while gambling. Give yourself the Christmas present you deserve, your life back!!!!
Merry Christmas to all my beautiful friends here, I wish you all happiness, health, good food and good friends, laughter, joy and love.
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[vera]

…can be a difficult time, Kathryn.
All the bittersweet memories flood our thoughts. I think we search in the wrong places for answers and often end up feeling lonely .
(Ever try Bethlehem?)
The Simple Life suits me best.
I cope better with a “lack”than I do with a”load”.
Wishing you peace and every blessing for the rest of 2019
and a fruitful 2020 .
Great to hear from you Kathryn X

[kathryn]

I have a question….what do you do, when you have been gamble free for a long time (almost 11 years with a couple of slips) and you need to talk, (helpline)?  Before I start this is by no means a criticism….does the time ever come when you don’t need it?Shouldnt need it? Here’s my thinking…when I was active I used the helpline daily, every problem, every thought, fear, worry was posted and talked about there….does that change when you stop being active? As far as I’m concerned I’m still a CG (I know some of you don’t like that term but it’s what I am and I’m using it  so no comments about that please it’s my choice) 

i spoke to a lovely lady there, I spewed my problems out, cause they don’t go away when you stop gambling, and she was very supportive but we went ‘off topic’.  I get that it’s a gambling helpline and I suppose I’m not actively gambling so……

I will endeavour to use the forum from now on, I do not in Any way shape or form want to take time from a helpline member when there could be someone else screaming for help….I get it, I’ve been there.  I’ve just always been a checker inner….it makes me feel accountable.  Even though I’m sure I could gamble if I really wanted to (I don’t for the record)  

Im sad, about Bettie, about what I believe I have to do In regards to my marriage, about hurting someone I love.  Not gambling doesn’t make these things go away, but not gambling gives me more clarity, i know if I was active my stress levels would be through the roof, they are high, Im not denying it , bit not nearly as bad as they could be if I was gambling and I’m grateful for that.

This helpline saved my life and I absolutely encourage everyone to use it,  I guess I just don’t feel so much like a gambler anymore, which I know is a good thing,’heck I wanted to be in this position for gods sake! I just feel like I don’t belong so much anymore and that makes me sad as well, this site was my life for a very long time, a life raft that kept me afloat.  I guess I can swim on my own now, it’s another ‘habit’ I need to break.  Life still goes on, there’s still problems and worries, but I’m living it instead of escaping from it. I am proud of that, just every now and then I miss  that connection.  
Anyway enough babbling, lol

Have a great weekend everyone, stay on your guard, put up your barriers, use this site, read and write, it is so theraputic! 
Love K xxx

[Steev]

Timing eh! Just before I read your post – I was reaching out to someone for a “counselling session” as I am finding things a bit difficult at the moment. Only because I am on my own in lockdown and missing real (not virtual) company – but I feel I could do with venting about it all.
n
nI guess I am lucky in that I have trained as a counsellor and a co-counsellor and most of my friends are one or the other (and often both) so I have lots of people I can talk in depth to. I think if I didn’t have this, I would probably pay for regular counselling … just to keep my life on track. Co-counselling training is also worth a look – but it is not well-known and not for everybody. Of course it also might be difficult to access due to the virus – but I know of teachers in the UK, US, NZ and some countries in Europe. I’m not sure if I can remember where you are based but if I can help with a contact I will.
n
nI don’t feel like a gambler any more. But I know I can never go back to it, so in that sense I still am one. I took a long break from “active recovery” also – probably over 10 years – so it is good to touch base again (although I never used the site – I was a GA member only.) I have often thought there ought to be a place for long-term recoverers to go to. Perhaps we could start something here? Go well!

[kathryn]

Thanks so much for your reply. I absolutely 100% need to see someone, I know this, I waa just  feeling sad tonight and needed a small (or not so small) Vent.  
Glad you are here, i feel out of touch sometimes, I’m sure the urges are the same, I just haven’t had one for a while, I’m just too busy lol. Between work and home and grandkids my life is full on now. I did have around 6 weeks off with the covid dramas (I’m in Australia)  and found that I spent a lot of that time on the couch with no motivation ! I did roll my ankle quite severely at the start of it so I literally couldn’t walk , but now things are picking up, work is extending, I can finally see the grandies, I can go for a walk! 

I do think it’s important Steev for those starting this road to know that it can be done, that this addiction can be managed, I remember a lady here when I first found this site, I was in awe of her, she had something like 4 years under her belt and I just couldn’t imagine that at the time.  One day she disappeared, never to be heard of again.  I still think of her to this day, she was my proof of success, I could do it, because it had been done. I think we all have a role to play here, it’s just finding it, and being comfortable with it.  I haven’t been here for a long time either, and have enjoyed posting tonight, so maybe us ‘oldies’ arent obsolete…we have been there, and survived.  I consider myself one of the very fortunates, it could have turned out so differently, but was ready and was prepared to do anything and everythin, and I pretty much did.  ill always be a compulsive gambler, I’m totally comfortable with it, it helped mould me into who I am,’and while life is still hard, my god it’s good to be alive and living! 
Take care! Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Well, 8 days after my last post I left my husband. The fit of rage, sadness, dissatisfaction, loneliness and total lack of joy in my life proved too much. I went berserk and the next day I moved my stuff to Jodies. It was traumatic but Jode was my rock, giving me a warm bed ( in a little bungalow out the back) fed me when I could eat, let me sob for hours on end and gave me space.
nDames was devastated, to my absolute surprise. How could he not be as unhappy as I was? HOW?
nSo we decided to give it another try. I spent the last 3 months at Jode’s while we did counseling, doctors appointments, went on dates and omg…..there he was! There was that husband I always wanted. He was in there all along!
nOf course it wasn’t easy, we had to learn to be a couple again, counseling is continuing to cement things for us and after a lot of hard work from both of us, I moved back home.
nI have named it my ISO timeout.
nNot once did he say no, to anything I suggested that may have helped. He did the complete opposite of everything i thought he would do. He actually blew my mind. My timeout proved to be the thing that bought us closer together….believe me, when I walked out I was DONE! I’m still scratching my head as to what happened. I did not gamble during this time, I didn’t even think of it. What i did do was a lot of self help podcasts, a lot of soul searching, working out what I wanted, and lots of sleep.
nI’m happy, we are happy together, communication is brilliant, we love each other and we are going in the same direction and want the same things.
nSo there’s my update. It’s been a crazy 3.5 months, I feel more in touch with myself than I ever did, and closer to dames than I have for over 5 years.
nIt’s been 11 years since my last bet ( minus a couple of slips).
nI’m ready for the rest of my life!
nLove K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

OMG. I’m so happy that you and Hubby were able to work things out! It’s so easy now days to just divorce. It takes a lot of work to keep it together. Maybe it was a wake up call for him! And you were able to go through this and not gamble is amazing to Me! Thank you for your support. I’m on the gamble free road again!

[i-did-it]

Hi Kathryn
nI’m so happy to read that things have improved so much with your husband. It sounds like he really understands that he has a special lady in you !
nI have stopped gambling for over a year now – life is improving in all aspects – although like you described in your posts – I still feel I need to check in with someone now and again.
nKin has already said he hopes many of the old members will return and that would be nice.
nI felt that bringing in the “new members group” devalued the members who had come to use this as a regular support, and in the end many left.
n Rather than a new members’ group, I think a group for those who are in recovery for a while or trying to get there for a long time is more important as there is less support available for these – especially for those who don’t find GA helpful.
nPerhaps we could meet in a group soon!

[maverick.]

Kathryn so happy you and your husband are back together you obviously love each other or you wouldnt have been together for so long. The stresses of life come between loved ones, family, work, money, illness just to name a few, everyone rows trust me Kathryn and many times I am not my true self and dont show all the love I should to me wife and children, life is tough and seems to get tougher by the day !
n
nReally happy to see you doing well, my very best to you and your family, take care and speak soon.
n

[Dunc]

Hi K

Hows you doing? Id love an update on whats happening for you

TC

[kathryn]

Hiya Dunc and thanks for bringing me back to the top!
Well its been a while, life has just been going along. I cant say that covid has hit too hard in our house, we have been very, very fortunate. My boss did have a brain tumor a couple of weeks before Christmas (it was benign thank goodness) but it meant he needed 6 weeks off and work was super scarce for me. Dames on the other hand has been really busy which has ensured our bills are paid and food is on the table. No gambling thoughts thankfully. I did hear that the venues had opened up again, and while i am not currently excluded i will get that little job done. No point poking the bear!
I am very pleased to announce that i will be a grandmother again come June. Brea is expecting, she will have 3 under 4 which makes my hair turn grey just thinking about it. In saying that, a little bub will be a wonderful distraction! She is really well and we know its a boy and i cant wait to meet him.
I am heading away tomorrow for a little break. It is Australia day on Tuesday (public holiday) and i managed to wrangle tomorrow off too. Monday is my normal day off so long weekend it is!
We are going to a new spot on the Murray River, my favourite river of all, and it is going to be hot…..45c on Monday! I will be a wrinkled prune from sitting in the river for 5 days! I cant wait, we are going with family so it will be lovely. We havent had much of a summer, in fact everyone has been complaining so summer decided to finally arrive!
I have started gardening, i am a terrible gardener but im growing tomatoes, sweet peas and beans, fennel and spring onions! The most surprising thing is that they are actually growing! A miracle for sure!
I have put a couple of bird houses on my back fence as well and am starting to get beautiful parrots and cockatoos! Ive become the old gardening bird lady! I never thought id enjoy either but there i am in the mornings with my coffee, hose and seed and bread for the birds!
My boys are great, Bailey is starting a course in Animal studies next week, and while Harry isnt going back to school this year he is keen to work so we just need to find him that job!
Dames is good although he has a melanoma on his cheek which my boss is removing next week. I had been looking at that spot for a while and made him come in to work (thankfully).
Life at home is getting much better. Communication is open, and makes a huge difference (who knew?)
Well i need to get up in about 5 hours to head away, we are getting there early to set up before the heat hits.
I hope you are all well, and covid isnt giving you too much grief, Australia hasnt been hit as hard as some other countries, i have to say i never thought i would see a pandemic in my lifetime but here we are!
Stay safe and stay strong.
Love K xxx

[velvet]

Hi K

I found you lurking down on page 11 and I’m glad I did.

You were an inspiration all those many years ago K and you still are. When you were fighting to control your gambling you oozed determination and courage and now, here you are, all these years later, flying the flag of recovery, proving that there really is brilliant light at the end of the tunnel and it is worth fighting for.

I’m glad that you update, I think it is sad when members disappear without saying goodbye although I believe that many just want to get on with their lives and forget. I have quite a few that I miss. I am wondering who it was that inspired you all those years ago to believe, maybe she came back sometime and read how well you were going. I think we all look back on the people who hung in, when they could have moved on, to point the way out of the mire. You have pointed the way for years and GT is lucky to have you.

Its great to read about Brea, Bailey, Harry and Jodie again especially with them all doing so well. I am so pleased that you and Dames made it through – sometimes there has to be a reckoning and you have had your fair share of those. It was another well-deserved notch on your boomerang. Well done to Dames too.

There have been so many dark days in the last year but when I read about cockatoos and parrots enjoying their breakfast at the end of your garden while you drink your coffee I can’t help thinking – life is good. You have shared your sunshine and I am smiling so thank you.

Keep posting and don’t give up on the gardening. My tomatoes were a brilliant two years ago and an absolute disaster last year. I will try again this summer. We must never give up.

As Ever

Velvet

[kathryn]

Oh Velvet, thanks for looking me up!
So our trip was brilliant, the new spot was beautiful although the bank was steep so dames banged a tow rope into the ground and we had to almost absail into the river……all part of the fun! It was hot, really hot but the nights were bearable and we could sleep thankfully! We swam amd floated on our blow up devices all the day long. It was very relaxing.
We have 4 cockatoos that frequent the yard…the boys I call them! They rule the roost and every other bird waits their turn until they are full and fly off. Then it’s an all in….. very entertaining, much more so than those reels that turned me into a zombie!
Velvet, I remember exactly who my inspiration was, her name was Marilyn and she was 4 years free when I found this site. The thought of being 4 years gamble free both excited and terrified me at the time and I think I asked her a million questions, she was patient and very honest and I remember thinking I just wanted to be her! One day she just stopped posting. I hope she moved on to live her great adventure, but I always wished I could tell her just how much courage she gave me. She was the one who inspired me to believe, along with Harry and Tim on the helpline. I hope if she ever came back she would think to look in on me, and know she had a huge part in my recovery. In saying that, every post, every conversation, every part of GT has given me the strength to keep going. The support I have received here is phenomenal and while Dunc would say ‘you did this K’, I could have never done it on my own. Never!
Thank you V for always seeing that one bright line in a sad post, for finding meaning in things that seem meaningless, for holding our hand when we need it, you are truly a lighthouse in a stormy sea, a constant on this site who truly cares for each and every one of us! It does not go unnoticed, and is always appreciated!
Love K xxxx

[Dunc]

Hi K

I agree Id have said ” I could have never done it on my own. Never!”

Im going to take you back to a saying that I think your remember

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

Helping you to stop was the easy bit the hard bit was learning to watch your thoughts… it was all about you K, Pure and Simple

Great to hear from you

[kathryn]

Hi Dunc,
As always, you are right about that! At the end of the day my thoughts had to change and with all the support I receive here, the barriers I put up and the willingness to be open to the possibilities my life has become mine again.
On a side note, I see you are called the key master? Any chance there is a gate keeper lurking around?
Thanks for posting, you hold a very special place in my heart, for you were the one that walked with me the most, and steadied me when I stumbled. (Poor you! Lol)
Off to work shortly, weekend is calling!
Love K xxx

[kathryn]

Wow, 6 months, I can’t quite believe it’s been that long.
We are currently in lockdown #7 and it looks like things aren’t going to change for quite some time.
In saying that, we are both still able to work which is a blessing.

I’m doing well. No gambling. It’s now been 12 years. My god, typing that blows me away.
I have a new grand baby, Nash, he’s 10 weeks old. I’m blessed I get to see the kids regularly, and he is an absolute cracker! Such a good baby. Brea is doing amazing as a mum and it’s one of my greatest achievements, raising this brilliant girl through my addiction. Her daughter is as strong willed as she is and I love it! She gives her hell! Lol!!!

The boys are good, Bailey has had some issues with his mental health which we are dealing with, Harry is not working due to COVID, but is such a cruisey kid, he rolls with the punches. My little joy.

Home life for me is good, we have an old caravan we are doing up which keeps us occupied. It’s good to have a project, especially at the moment. We have planned for trips, but just have to see how things pan out.

I don’t think about gambling very much anymore, but when I post it reminds me of who I was and who I never want to be again.

We are coming into spring, and it’s lovely to see the days get longer and the sun trying to say hello. I need some warmth, it’s been a long winter.

Well. Must go, things to do today ( I have the day off)

Stay strong, stay safe, and take care

Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Hi. Congratulations on your new Grandbaby! It’s great to hear that all is well with you!
Wow, 12 years gamble free! That’s something to be proud of.
I’m expecting another lock down as we are experiencing another wave of Covid cases. UGH! It’s not easy to deal with but we will get through it.
It was good to see a update from you as I don’t visit this site often.
Take care and thank you for being a inspiration for me.

[kathryn]

I need to post but I’m looking after grandies so I’m bringing my thread to the top so it’s easy to find and I will return.
Kathryn x

[kathryn]

My son confessed to me last night he has a gambling problem. He gambles on sports, online. To say I feel guilt is an understatement. Did I pass this terrible disease onto him? Who knows. What I do know is that I am able to help him. He came over tonight, he lives at home but has been house sitting the past 3 weeks and while the amount isn’t huge in my terms, it is for him. It’s affecting his life. He is broke. He has zero expenses really bar a tiny board payment I charge to pay his phone bill. I think him being on his own, bored, working nights etc has started it. Something to do that has become a big problem. We are going to do blocking software and open a new bank account to which the majority of his money will go apart from daily expenses. I’m proud that he came to me, he knows my story. He has also told his girlfriend which will be helpful also. It makes me sad though that he is dealing with this at such a young age.
He is 23.
I am still gamble free, 13 years now and living my life. It’s far from perfect but it’s mine and I am present in it. Money is now something I’m happy to have but not too worried if I don’t if that makes sense. I no longer need it to get my fix. It pays my bills and feeds me and gives me a few little holidays a year and that’s how I like it!
I’ve learnt to accept the things I won’t ever have and enjoy the things I do.
I may be looking for a new job soon as my boss has announced he is retiring, nothing concrete in terms of a timeline but I think a change of career might be good. I’m not sure I’ll ever get a job nursing as good as the one I’ve got, so I’m looking at options that will suit my financial needs and my lifestyle. I’m trying to think of it as an exciting new beginning. Trying!!!!
Anyway I wanted to update, a lot of new names here now, and if you’re reading this take the advice, it really does work.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Hi Kathryn, It was so good to see you posting. Although I’m sad to hear that your Son is gambling, I’m so happy that he came to you and that you can help him! He is in good hands! He took the first step in admitting his problem and telling you and his Girlfriend.

You should be so proud of yourself. Being gamble free for so long. You give hope to everyone!

Whatever career choice you make, I know that you will be successful!!!!!

Enjoy your life! You deserve it!

[ididit]

Hi Kathyrn, its nice to read an update from you. Its a blow to discover that your son has been gambling although it seems he has learned a lot of strategies to deal with it from his terrific mum. Keep strongx

[Autor]

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