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Hi Amy, Rupture and Velvet,
I’m also kind of new here, looked around in the F&F forum for support from others stories and found this thread. I recognise so much of what you are describing Amy. I know the post is a couple months old and I wonder how you’re doing now.
My ex is a CG, he left me many months ago as he said he needed to be alone due to the addiction, we had then been together for many years and I had been the enabler (although I didn’t know this word then) for most of that time. I was so devastated when he left me (I easily get separation anxiety, and also I loved him so much, and still do) I stayed in touch with him in the hope that we could one day get together again- if only he sorted out his addiction. I continued „helping” supporting emotionally and financially at any time of day- most of the time he was ok, good at his job, started therapy and there seemed to be hope, but every now and then fell for gambling, large amounts. I knew of course that this kind of relationship and the cycle we were in was not healthy, but I was in denial and also really didn’t know how to break it as I had become addicted to it as well. A very strong addiction.
In the end we hit the wall, I was finally so emotionally exhausted by the concern and no money left so I’m now estranged by no contact- it feels scary and I feel guilty and like I’m an awful person, but I’m getting used to it. I hope by me staying away (which I need for my recovery) will help him, to know I’m out of the picture for now so he can concentrate on dealing with it all, once and for all and really feel better. Of course it may be hard for him, but when those thoughts pains me (thinking of him suffering and what will happen) I think about that the way I tried it so far didn’t work, so I need to change tactics. It’s just a fact.
I wish with all my heart that he will be happy and well. I love him and care for him and hope he knows it and feels it. AND I want good things for me too, because I matter. In the end of the day I believe he would want that too, the „dance” we did for a long time is not normal.
Amy- you are strong and I think you are taking many good steps protecting yourself. I recognise so many of the moments you describe, the sad tone in messages, the feeling of being manipulated by someone who loves you – the latter is the addiction speaking I believe. Stay strong, and demand that your boyfriend admits that he has a problem and seeks proffessional help, I know it may fall on deaf ears- if it does I would advice you to tell him you can not accept this behaviour any longer as it’s hurting your relationship a lot. It took my CG a long time to finally get help (even if it doesn’t have 100% effect yet, it’s a journey but at least he started it) and step out of denial, but finally he did. So your boyfriend can too. If he refuses, say there is no more help coming from you and that he may loose you. Your money should be spent on that holiday you had planned together, not at the bookies.
I hope things are better for you Amy, please let me know if you read this.
Rupture- I also had enough with handling finances as with you it all started to take a toll on my health. I know exactly what you mean, there is only so much you can do.
Velvet- your words make a lot of sense, as usual.
Thanks for sharing in this forum, lots of love. Look after yourselves!