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was thinking about what Relapseking wrote ‘… i get evil thoughts like hurting myself or stealing my money back from someone else….’

When I experienced a massive loss one night, almost £20k within half an hour, it was a sobering experience for me. At first I felt brain dead and kept blinking and looking at the screen, not believing what had happened. What I had done. How out of control I was.

The experience humbled me in a way. I always imagined myself to be quite intelligent and I was, at times, arrogant when thinking about my ability  to make money and managing my finances. My husband always let me manage our money and at times I was pretty harsh with him for making poor financial decisions. Even his overspending would be mentioned by me. It’s a mindset which was nurtured by my father during my teens to adulthood. My father always said I had a good, steady head on my shoulders. 

After that night, I never felt (and still don’t feel) that someone else deserved it to happen to them. I never wished to steal money or acquire money to make up for the losses. I actually thought that the fact that I am gambling and trying to win more money that someone else lost was toxic and wrong within itself. I remembered god and the power he had to make or break me. He alone could bring success and happiness into my life and in contrast he could also take it away. Why me? Well because I am human and am open to wrong thoughts and actions.

It hurt so much to lose so much money. To date, I think I’ve lost within the region of £35k- £45k (stopped counting) to gambling but I feel it is a wake up call that I am fallible. I am flawed as a human being. I can make bad choices and things in my life can go wrong. It made my faith in God stronger and my need to ask him for help when I cannot find answers vital. 

My gambling stemmed from so many issues both childhood related and post pregnancy/ motherhood.

I forgive myself and stop asking myself how or why it happened. I know why it happened and it stemmed from arrogance and greed. I would never ever wish it on anyone. I try to be more generous with money now and give to the poor. I like to splash out on bday presents for friends and family and do not dwell on financial costs or losses (car fines or insurance) as I used to.

Reading Kin’s posts gives me so much faith in humankind and human nature. I wish to correct my ways and thoughts and be fair, generous and forgiving. Since having my first child and now expecting my second, I realise how precious life is and how it can end suddenly. Money is not everything. Life, peace and love is.