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firstly thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it! 

I think something I am worrying about is the fact that if I can’t even get my head around what I have done, how is he supposed to?!i honestly cannot believe I have done this and I’m strugglimg to come to terms with what I have done. i don’t know if that makes it better or worse…

my father is quite bad tempered and  i think the thing I feel worst about is that he came from nothing as a child, built an amazing business and still works extremely hard for his money and I have literally taken advantage of his trust and thrown it all away. 

I canr forgive myself so surely he won’t be able to forgive me. I’m not a bad person. I wanted to buy a house but couldn’t get a mortgage due to bad decisions with payday loans when I was 19/20. I really really wanted to buy a house so I stupidly thought if I could win enough money by gambling, I wouldn’t need a mortgage and would be happy, little did I know what I was getting myself into. 

I wonder whetehr I am actually addicted to gambling or whetehr I was selfish and stupid that I just needed some more money and was very neive.

honestly, Reading this back I sound like a stupid little girl. I just wish I wasn’t in this mess and could turn back time!!