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    • #24857
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hello everyone i miss this site ,wow
      I used to come here so much ,been almost 4 years in recovery for me .
      2 steps forward and well 2 steps back.
      Im still trying with all my might to stop,but i fear it is to late for me.
      Im in legal trouble AGAIN ,yikes .I have gambled to far .little by little in over my head.
      Im alone in my recovery other then online support,face to face hurt to much.had to stop.
      I cant believe its been four years ,im still continuing to make sure im banned.
      The trouble im in is from my past wow it caught up ,i knew it would .
      I think the worst is loosing the rights to my husbands financial care,as of feb 1st they have advised me to seek legal advise yikes.
      Now i wait everyday for the police to come.
      My employer has deemed me unfit,and is trying to fire me ,im so depressed have been for years.
      Going to court in may,for bankcruptcy ,my trustee already recommended to the judge i dont get my discharge ,on the grounds of gambling is involved ,teach me to tell the truth.
      She said i will be discharged but not a full one ,what ever im thinking i will be 65 anyway when my financial disaster is off my record anyway.
      Not much left of me,to take but i tell you gambling made my life a living nightmare.
      A person can gamble beyond forgiveness and repair.It does happen
      I couldnt get a sponser or even a phone list ,that hurt the more i needed them the more they shut me out,was told i will pray for you ,and told hope everything works out for you ,but call them forget it ,they all had each others numbers ,why ,cant even hold my head up in a GA meeting and be honest ,But i was told by a member there was no hope for me in so many words ,WOW ,i cannot tell you how that has effected my recovery.
      I feel like im no longer socially acceptable ,and well to be truthful iam not.
      I once again fear the phone ringing,the mail man comming ,stopped opening mail again.
      I actually was honest with my boss and mentioned how i was feeling ,she called the police on me ,they came wow family was all home i thought to myself hospital no friggen way ,thank goodness they left me home with my family.
      But ever since then im so afraid to speak out or seek further help ,for fear they will put me in the hospital ,so im back to lying again.
      Emotionally and physcially drained .
      But for some unknown reason i keep plugging foward ,what is holding me up better not fail me now.lol
      My daughter is having open heart surgery on the 21st of feb .
      So my energies and worries are all over the place right now .I have not been in a casino since sept23 13.
      I cannot ever go in one ,ever.i have gambled online within a controlled limit.I know i need to stop all.the amounts im spending is less then someone would to go to a movie out.
      But now having said i still gamble i will be judged by GA standards and that makes me sad.
      I may never be 100 per cent gamble free,but i still need to hear Its going to be okay from someone who know this nightmare.
      I wish i had some happy news ,but not looking good for me right now.
      Time to pay the piper and it sucks .
      Going to bed now ,tomorrow will come and tomorrow will go ,but i will still be me.
      Hugs to all who are in pain tonight,if you find yourself reading my long winded way of saying IM scared .i wish you well in your journey of recovery its a long road some days .But with any hope and two good feet we will make it through ,i still have hope in me and you 🙂

    • #24858
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine, welcome back it is good to see you posting again.
      It is not too late for you Lorraine, I promise. We are never too old or too young to stop gambling.

      Your first line is that you miss this site. great, that’s one thing in your life you can slove straight away. You are back here and you are more than welcome to stay here. Keep posting, connect to the groups, get on the helpline to see what other support you have available in your area. Step by step, day by day you will get passed your current problems. Keep posting and I hope to talk to you in a group sometime soon.

    • #24859
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Lorraine)))! How nice to see you posting. I have missed you and am happy to see that you are working your recovery. I tried to find you on Safe Harbour but it seems the site doesn’t exist anymore, as I couldn’t get in on the several occasions I tried to sign in. Charles is right that it is never too late to work recovery, and that no one is ever beyond help. You have always mattered a great deal to me Lorraine. You had an ugly hand dealt to you in life, and then you became a compulsive gambler. You can still turn your life around, in spite of what has occurred in the past. I understand that you’re scared as to what each day will bring, with messing up the family financial affairs, but you aren’t the first CG that has done that, nor will you be the last. There is a way out of this and it involves not gambling, even online. I’m here to support you Lorraine and I’m sure many on this site are as well. Keep posting and if the members of your GA group have given up on you, stay close to us here, and maybe find another group that will welcome you as the beautiful caring person you are. Carole

    • #24860
      p
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine

      I hope that things are improving in your world, good to see you back here.. safe harbor still works you have to lower your security settings in java to get into it though i found.
      Wishing you improvement in your days

      P

    • #24861
      icandothis
      Participant

      Glad you are posting again, Lorraine. I don’t have any advice. No magic words to make things better. But, how I wish I did. I hope you know that people here do care. We do understand how things can get so out of control and can go from bad to worse. But, we also know that rock bottom means you can begin again. I feel so terrible that you have not found support, especially after everything you have gone through. All the more reason to seek the support you can find on this site.

    • #24862
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hi Carole, just a quick note on Safe Harbor… Ive managed to hit this just now, it looks ok to me

      Take Care

      Harry

    • #24863
      mickdeno
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine

      I dont know your story but reading your first post on this strikes a lot of chords with me. I do not doubt all the troubles you have but as you can already see from other replies you are not alone and you are not without hope. The fact you have came on this shows to me you have not given up and nor should you. My own experience tells me each and every problem we create for ourselves is not the end of the world, taken in isolation they can all be dealt with, but we struggle not to see it all as one whole heap of crap we cant deal with. But we can, it sounds to me like you have dealt with a lot in the past and you can do it again. Keep the faith, take care, Michael

    • #24864
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine
      It’s a while since we spoke but your story moved me and I remember it clearly.
      I would imagine the GA member who gave such a thoughtless and crushing remark about your ability to succeed cannot be in a good place themselves. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent and you felt the remark keenly because you doubt yourself.
      I wouldn’t be here is I thought that a person could gamble beyond forgiveness and repair but I believe it is of paramount importance that you forgive yourself first.
      I don’t hear somebody socially unacceptable but I do hear someone who believes she is not worth the effort. You are worth the effort Lorraine – I haven’t forgotten anything you told me and yet we have not spoken for possibly two years – that would not be the case if I believed you were without worth.
      Your daughter’s surgery must be causing you a great deal of worry and I do wish her well again soon. Heart surgery is so much more common nowadays and results so positive.
      What are the GA standards that you feel you will be judged by? If you are being judged then you are in the wrong place.
      I wish I could take your fear away. I’m glad you did sign in and I’m glad the words did come. I sincerely hope they come again soon with good news of your daughter and better news for yourself. Believe in yourself Lorraine – if you do, then others will believe in you too.
      Don’t let the past ruin your future, you deserve better.
      Thinking about you
      Velvet

    • #24865
      cat438
      Participant

      I am sorry that you are facing all these challenges right now. It is terrible how this gambling addiction changes us. What starts out as a bit of fun turns into a nightmare!! I know from earlier posts and being on chat that you are going through so much with your husband’s illness and I don’t think anyone should judge another person. I know that I believe that with all my heart after becoming a compulsive gambler or whatever we want to call it. I know that there is an organization called better’s anonymous and apparently with that one you don’t have to say the date you last placed a bet. All the stress you are going through right now sounds unbearable. I cant imagine how I would feel if my daughter going for open heart surgery. Keep posting as I believe it helps to just write everything down and get it out.

    • #24866
      p
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine
      I hope that you are doing well and things are improving in your life.. keep posting and talking about things, it does help. Good that you are back here.

      P

    • #24867
      velvet
      Moderator

      A massive worry over with Lorraine – the relief must be tremendous. Now with your daughter recovering so speedily you can turn the greater part of your energies back on your own recovery.
      Well done Mother and Daughter
      Velvet

    • #24868
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Lorraine)))! That had to have been extremely stressful to have your daughter go through such a major surgery. I’m happy to hear she came through so well! It doesn’t matter how old our kids are, they always need their mother to acknowledge the owies. When my daughter had her first baby she called me „mommy,” like she used to do when she was a child. I’m so glad you’re back on GT amongst your friends here. You deserve support of every kind we can give you. You were always someone very special to me. Carole

    • #24869
      vera
      Participant

      Thank God your daughter’s operation was a success Lorraine! Now the two of you can support each other in „recovery” odaat!

    • #24870
      p
      Participant

      Lorraine i am so pleased to hear of your daughters speedy recovery, what a wonderful feeling for a mum to see the daughter asking for food and drink… that feeling of hope, that relief.. so happy for you Lorraine

      P

    • #24871
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine, I read your post on P’s thread. I’m not sure what you mean by it’s too late for you. I firmly believe it is never too late for any of us. We can all start again. Us gamblers tend to want things instantly, eg our finances sorted, people to trust us again etc. we find it hard to work on things and watch things build up slowly. I believe there is no part of our lives we cannot rebuild…our finances, our relationships, trust etc. I have read about people who were drug addicts lying on the streets waiting for certain death and suddenly one day everything changed., perhaps through finding God, and they went on to be fulfilled and have success in all parts of their life. It is never too late. You have a daughter. What would you say to her if she said it is too late for me to change or to have a good life. It is never too late. I’m sorry you have not received the support you deserve but please use this site and avail of all the help that is available. And please remember it is never too late to reach out and get help!!

    • #24872
      p
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine i want to say thank you for my post and i agree with sad its not too late for you or anyone.. Im struggling badly, am in a bad way. dont know il ever get it but back trying again. Thank you for thinking of me

      P

    • #24873
      p
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine

      I was really glad to hear from you. You said you wont bother me again??? I love hearing from you. I hope you are ok.

      P

    • #24874
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine, I am just thinking what a lot you have a lot to give, I was feeling really low and just read your post where you called me Hope instead of Sad. it lifted me no end. And i so needed that today.All these problems we have inflicted on ourselves through gambling are only temporary. And if we set about changing our lives today they will soon become the past.
      Temporary problems that seem huge right now but after a wee while gamble free they will not seem so huge. There is always a way to get your life together . We are not the first people to get ourselves a mess and we won’t be the last. Just look at the number of debt help agencies out there. It’s not just the members of this site that are keeping them all going. Multi-billionaires have gone bankrupt. Just look at the wonder Mr Quinn from Ireland. They out the poor man in prison.. so why not us. Is the fall any less for them ? Let’s just try to think of a small solution to one small temporary problem we are having right now and we are on our way..maybe if you go on line to one of the counsellors on this site they could point you in the right direction. Your life has some temporary problems in it right now so get the help and get it sorted .. Oh you have inspired me. Please do come back and ‘bother ‘ us loads. I love reading your posts!!

    • #24875
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      HI Lorraine, I hope you are ok and feeling more positive. I am finding it totally impossible to stop gambling at the moment. I am waking with the panic of what I have done with me all the time.. And still want to gamble some more. I now know I have to get rid of my internet access until I can afford a laptop which I can put a gambling block on, so I won’t be on here for a while.please keep posting . When ever I can I will check in to see how things are going for you. It’s a horrible addiction which takes away our self respect , our hope and even our will to carry on . But it is just an addiction and people are overcoming addictions every day. We will too. We can take whatever drastic steps are needed to cut gambling from our lives, and watch as our lives rebuild, and we too recover to be the people we once were. Never give up on you Lorraine. You are a loving caring mother as I can read from your posts. Keep working at it…you will get there.

    • #24876
      bettie
      Participant

      I saw that name and thought hey I know that lady!
      I did a quick scan of your posts and it sounds like you are going through hell.
      With legal stuff you would do well to go to meetings. To heck with those who doubt your ability to succeed! I know members who are like that-smug oldtimers who think they know everything. Screw them! Less than 1% make it 5 years so in a way arn’t they gambling by betting in their head that you won’t make it?
      No one’s perfect for sure!
      I would love to post more but I have to get ready for work.
      No matter what you feel post like crazy Lorraine!
      We’re here!
      bettie

    • #24877
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear Lorraine! I’m always excited when I see that you have posted! Life is a huge struggle for you, and even without being a compulsive gambler, you’ve been dealt a lousy hand in life. How is your husband? Are you still working? Recovery is difficult but all we can do is keep trying. Carole

    • #24878
      icandothis
      Participant

      Bettie and Carole are right. We are all here for you with nothing but compassion for everything you have gone through in the past and for all the pain it is bringing you in the present. Sending you my prayers, Lorraine. There are people who care no matter what.

    • #24879
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hello Lorraine
      I am not a CG but I can hear you – you do have a voice and it isn’t silent on this site. There will always be injustices when people change their lives because the world is not perfect and misunderstanding and judgment will always be there. Officialdom overlooks the person and sees only the addiction because knowledge is in short supply and only through sharing will there be understanding. Don’t give up your efforts to be heard.
      Please keep posting and maybe have a conversation that is not polluted by addiction. How is your daughter?
      No life-time of silence imposed on this forum – just a desire to support you.
      Velvet

    • #24880
      p
      Participant

      I love that you post.. i always loved talking to you in chat over the years. I understand how devastating this addiction is. Im living it and its quadrupled in its nastiness.
      Hanging in there just but still hanging in there in the hope that i can get somewhere.. maybe i won’t but trying. Good to see you.
      Hope to chat again some day, i always find you so refreshingly real to chat to

      P

    • #24881
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Lorraine
      I can hear in your words so much anger and I can see why you feel it but you are dealing with professionals who are not emotionally involved – they are reacting solely to what they see as black and white facts and they have no room for grey areas.
      Have you got anybody to come to the meeting with you who understands your position, someone who is not emotionally involved and who can put your case clearly and clinically? Hate gets in the way of clear thinking Lorraine and makes it easier to lose sight of the goal – it would be better, I think, for you to have someone on your side that is not weighed down. Allow a friend or family member, perhaps someone from GA, to take your burden and guide your feet.
      It will be impossible I think for you to deal with these professionals in a clinical way – you are confused frightened and struggling with guilt – such feelings are so hard to contain and they often lead to loss of purpose, making it easier for the people who are in control of their emotions to tie you up in knots. This is not in any way judgemental Lorraine of you, or them. I believe we all struggle to maintain logicality when things matter as much to us as your husband’s health matters to you.
      You are not gambling, you have controlled your addiction and there is no need to keep looking back at what you believe is the root cause – there is time for that later, (if you still want to do so) but not when you are fighting this battle.
      Why are you so sure that your depression will sabotage your enjoyment with your new GA.? It is my belief we can think our way into sabotaging ourselves but you do have a choice Lorraine – there is no way on earth that you have to sabotage yourself
      I am overturning the verdict you have given yourself – you are not guilty. Keep posting, the brightness can come back.
      Velvet

    • #24882
      vera
      Participant

      Lorraine,
      Sometimes it is in a patient’s best interest to change their status from „voluntary ” to „involuntary”when they need to remain in long term care. Under The Mental Treatment Act (In Ireland) this change in status can only be „recommended”. The Mental Health Commission was set up to ensure people who are detained under The Act and are in long term care will be assessed at regular intervals to review their status on an ongoing basis. Relatives are invited to attend these Tribunals as are „patients” , if they are capable.
      Don’t panic yet Lorraine. Your husband’s condition was NOT caused by your gambling. Neither will gambling reverse his position. Attend the meeting . Listen to what is planned. Its all simply explained in the Mental Health Handbooks.
      I’m sure most of these Laws and Acts pertain to healthcare, worldwide.
      Do not blame yourself for what has happened. People who never gambled have spouses and family members in long term care. Legal protocols and conditions apply in all cases.
      Keep yourself informed of every move and read the Recommendations before agreeing to anything.
      At Mental Health Tribunals, Orders are sometimes revoked.
      Keep a clear head by not gambling!
      KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

    • #24883
      cat438
      Participant

      Lorraine so glad to see that you enjoyed GA and that you are having better thoughts. It is tough as we would all like to go back and change our past, but we cant, so no use dwelling on it. Let it go as it will just drag you down. You do have a choice though for moving forward and you are doing something about it by going to GA. I know that you have so much to deal with in your personal life with your husband being sick, your daughter just having surgery. You are doing great and you are on the right track. Keep posting and getting those stinking thinking thoughts out on your posts. I find it helps just to type it out and somehow it helps to move on. Wishing you a gamble free day!!!

    • #24884
      p
      Participant

      Hey lorraine it was so good to chat today, hopefully see you there more often it will be good.. happy you found a good group at GA

      P

    • #24885
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine, it was good to talk to you yesterday, I know you were looking forward to that GA meeting.

      Maybe read back a few posts – two good meetings and one not so good. Might be worth giving it a little longer before you make any final decision. Maybe you and the woman you mention could help each other, could be a good friendship.

      See you again soon i hope.

    • #24886
      bettie
      Participant

      I am sorry for the situtation you find yourself in right now.
      The addiction is making a lot of desisions for you right now. Your post screams I can’t I can’t I can’t. Its finding every excuse ( vaild ones possibly) as to why one thing or another won’t help you.
      Did you get a phone list at that meeting? Maybe someone there can give you suggestions as who you could talk to. Maybe someone who goes to that meeting lives in your area and might be willing to give you a ride. Maybe you can get a phone sponser if you can’t get to a face to face meeting.
      It is hard to recover on your own. I have no one close that I can share my addictions issues with-I am single with no one besides myself and my 2 cats to come home to. Sites like GT have been my salvation -esp early in recovery.
      They only people I can talk about my CG addiction are in the program. No one else understands like someone who has the same addiction.
      I know the open chat here is a ghost town now- such a shame as it once was so vibrant. I can usually find someone at safe harbor when I need extra support. http://www.sfcghub.com

      praying for you
      bettie

    • #24887
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hi Ladies

      Were still trying to get to the bottom of why the weekend groups are quiet.

      Ive made some alterations to the groups at weekends which should make it easier to find someone. We also have a forum where you can leave messages of when your be there so others can log on. You don’t need to be alone so please our services. https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/forums/meeting-place

      Take Care

      H

    • #24888
      bettie
      Participant

      I remember the night almost 20 years ago that my daughter was hit by a car like it was yesterday.
      As the days went by things got worse by the minute with new injuries discovered and more and more problems found.
      I remember thinking if I close my eyes it will be a year from now and this will be behind us.
      I am going through major loss and change right now and it hurts ike hell.
      If we close our eyes long enough it will be a year from now and before we know it-this too will be behind us.
      bettie

    • #24889
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Lorraine)))! I’m so sorry that you are having such difficulty finding the right support for yourself. Some people that answer crisis lines or are mental health therapists are just not qualified to understand addiction and mental health problems, as their knowledge is from books and they haven’t had enough life experiences to truly understand. I used to be one of those and when I had a man come to see me for gambling addiction, I truly didn’t understand and gave him some suggestions about taking a different route home, etc. I meant well but didn’t understand the compulsiveness of this gambling behavior. I met with the director of the addiction office seeking help with my addiction and she told me she didn’t understand gambling addiction, and asked me to tell her about it. One would think that she would have qualified staff seeing as we have a casino and a huge gambling problem in the town I live in. As disheartening as your attempts to get the help you want have been, keep looking for help and support. I know that you are at a very low point in your life, and I wonder if it would be helpful to write down the good things in your life and focus on them. I know that sounds trite but it’s a starting point, and it isn’t going to solve your life problems but it may make you feel a little more positive about your life. Moment by moment you can change your life. Carole

    • #24890
      p
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine

      I am glad you are posting.. its good to get out what is troubling you and it is always good to see you.. I hope things start improving for you. Sending you some good thoughts from across the seas and wishing you a gamble free day

      P

    • #24891
      desdemona
      Participant

      Dear (((Lorraine)))! When a person gets to be our age, we’ve earned the right to have unshaven legs. For me there has to be a special occasion for me to shave my legs! LOL! I once went for a pedicure and shaved my legs as I hadn’t shaved them for a few months. The girl doing my pedicure pointed out that only one of my legs was shaved and I could have gotten embarrassed but instead laughed and told her I must have shaved the same leg twice. It’s sexy in some cultures not to have shaved legs and armpits!!! On another note, I empathize with your sister having gambled all her money away at the very beginning of the month. I would have been in that situation myself at times, but I have a husband to bail me out. That is wonderful that at the end of the day you can count your blessings for that day, and take credit for the positive things you have done. Some people have heavier crosses to bear in their life, and you have been dealt a bad hand, starting with your husband’s devastating diagnosis at such an early age. Give yourself credit for being there for him as much as you have. There aren’t a lot of people that would have weathered that storm side by side, like you have. Advocating for care for a loved one can be an extremely frustrating experience, and I say that from someone who has worked in the health care system, as well as someone who has had to advocate for my mother in that system. You are a kind wonderful person and don’t let the addiction and some behaviors define who you are. At the end of the day you still have a beautiful heart. Carole

    • #24892
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      Good idea on the Just for Todays 🙂

      Hopefully see you in a group again soon.

    • #24893
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine.. I get it! I kinds feel like a new face on here. I am delighted to see you have been posting lots and you sound upbeat.. I am plotting, planning mess but I will get there!!

    • #24894
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine.. I get it! I kinds feel like a new face on here. I am delighted to see you have been posting lots and you sound upbeat.. I am plotting, planning mess but I will get there!!

    • #24895
      bettie
      Participant

      Well things have changed quite a bit for me and for the better.
      Keep going to that meeting Lorraine-You are worth it!
      bettie

    • #24896
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine, I’m glad that your meeting went well. Like Bettie said, you are worth it!!!! It helps to talk in person about gambling addiction and to hear what other’s say, their own personal experiences. I know the first time I went to a GA meeting, I was really scared. The group I went to had been together for a long time and they were tough on me. Honestly, they made me feel like I didn’t belong there and at a break, one member suggested that I find another group. Well, I did and they were very accepting and invited me into their group. It helped me a lot!!! Keep going!!! Take care.

    • #24897
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine
      Any group is only as good as the people in it and you will be an important part of your group. It is impossible to know how much ‘you’ being in the group will make to the others but with your experience, honest acceptance of your addiction and kind heart I know you will be giving support. Just as you will give so will the others and in the giving and taking, it is my belief, that answers to even insurmountable questions, are found.
      Keep going and never mind being called a new face – I wouldn’t mind one most mornings when I wake up and look in the mirror!
      Velvet

    • #24898
      charles
      Moderator

      Hello lorraine
      Well done on getting back to your meeting, hopefully speak to you in a group here again soon.

    • #24899
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      HI Lorraine, so you decided not to go to your meeting. Well done for coming on here instead. I hope things are much better with you. I am posting again which means I am not gambling. When I am gambling I can’t escape my thoughts for long enough to write on here. You might actually get good news!! You never know, but either way you have proved yourself to be a strong person who will deal with it. You come a cross as a very smart lady so no more talk about not being the brightest bulb!! You are brave to paint on your smile even when you are worried. You know Lorraine I have always had nice white teeth by some miracle but i have have a broken tooth just at the end of my smile towards the back. I have made appointments to have it sorted but never had the money!! Imagine I go around with a badly broken darker tooth in my smile because I gamble my money. Now is that smart?? I suppose my point is that this addiction takes our pride from us, our sense of belonging to whatever group we are in. When you are stuck with the secrets that go around and around in your head it is difficult to feel part of any group. You are doing fabulously well. You are getting out there and trying hard to get sorted out. I am impressed and inspired and look forward to reading more of your posts!!!

    • #24900
      p
      Participant

      Hang in there Lorraine.. at least skipping a meeting you are coming here and still doing something recovery based.. so that is great. I know what it is like to paint the smile on, easy for me, can flip that switch in two seconds.. i think we become great actresses in hiding the pain.. i hope that you had a great sleep and that today is a better day for you

      P

    • #24901
      bettie
      Participant

      It’s hard to find the good stuff when all we see is the bad stuff.
      I am a pesitmest-I always have been. Its someting I have been working on.
      My daughter is now moved and when someone mentions how much I miss my granddogs I start crying. She can care for herself but I worry about them. I am trying to remind myself how fortunate I have been to have her and them so close by for the last 4 years. I walked them during my lunch time. I miss them but wow-it sure was nice while it lasted. I have to be greatful for that.
      bettie

    • #24902
      charles
      Moderator

      I read it lorraine and I found it good to read.

      You have a lot of chit going on around you and you still haven’t gambled so a BIG well done.

      It sounds like you have a son to be proud of as well.

      Maybe see you in a group later.

    • #24903
      vera
      Participant

      I just read every word too, Lorraine.
      „No law or court in the land would punish a CG more than we punish ourselves” were the words that stood out to me.
      We invite further punishment when we commit more crimes. Gambling is the greatest crime a CG commits. Offender and victim combined.
      We can stop this cycle odaat Lorraine.
      Is there any chance you could change your living arrangements?
      Listening to others CGs is bound to pull you down.
      Stay strong!
      You really are a very strong person to be able to deal with so many problems.
      I feel guilty because I have a very easy life compared to you!

    • #24904
      p
      Participant

      Sorry to hear how hard things are in your life right now.. i always think whatever is happening now will eventually change, things are always changing and i hope the flow changes for you soon to a more positive one.. you are a strong woman and you continually come back and keep trying on your recovery too which is good … like myself. There are a lot that just disappear out there never to return so well done on being here. I hope things get better for you very soon.. hang in there a day at a time

      P

    • #24905
      bettie
      Participant

      I’m not sure what your situtation is however HIPPA laws limit what can and can not be asked of your Dr.
      All a dr can say is yes, she’s under my care and not much else.
      Tell that union guy the truth-Dr refuses to resend the paperwork.
      If you want to ask Harry for my email it’s ok by me. I would be more than happy to „chat” in private via email if only to help you vent.
      bettie

    • #24906
      monique
      Participant

      Will be thinking of you during your vacation week and hope to hear how you get on.

      All good wishes,

      Monique

    • #24907
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,
      Awareness and knowledge gives us a great advanyage.

      „So THREE huge triggers ahead payday,holiday and payday yikes.”

      Use that awareness, use that power. Enjoy your week off but put things in place to keep you busy, keep you safe.
      Keep your barriers particularly high as well.

      If you do find yourself at a loose end then maybe I will see you in a group later.

      Take care.

    • #24908
      desdemona
      Participant

      (((Lorraine))) Thinking of you and hoping that your life becomes easier soon! Non-cgs would find it hard to believe that gambling can affect a person’s life in so many nasty ways. You need to give yourself a big hug for standing by your husband for decades, with his horrific diagnosis. There are not many women that would have been able to do so. Sending you a hug from the next province. Don’t give up on the red convertible Oregon coast dream. Carole

    • #24909
      charles
      Moderator

      A belated happy birthday Lorraine. I’m glad your friend reached out to you after all be it a little late. It is hard for others to understand this addiction – I’m a CG and couldn’t tell you why me either! Why not suggest another site to talk to her on? Facebook maybe, or just exchange emails?

      Sorry to hear you gambled, if you want to talk about it then I’m in the group for the next few hours, maybe see you there.

    • #24910
      monique
      Participant

      It is always tough when people we have cared for seem to reject and misunderstand us. I hope you are doing ok now. You have thought things through thoroughly and know you would stand by your friends.

      Monique

    • #24911
      p
      Participant

      Wow Seven years for that sweater, what a great feeling when you finish it.. yes i would wear it too after that time because that is going to mean way more than any other piece of clothing probably ever will.. I love that your husband responded like that to your daughter.. that his face lit up..
      I am glad you are not gambling and things seem to have improved a lot since we last chatted.. i am so happy for you, you are getting through day by day.. i guess you cant do much for your sister, you need to worry about you at this point so it doesnt take you back there too.. you can keep your eye out for her but you know how it is, we can only really stop when we want to.. and then need all the help we can get.. but until she is ready to ask for help or want help not much you can do really.
      Way to go on getting through your days..

      P

    • #24912
      vera
      Participant

      Sorry to hear you are feeling „down”, Lorraine.
      Gambling, at times like this could call you to a „better” place, but as we both know GAMBLING IS NOT THE ANSWER….to anything!
      When we read each others’ stories here in this Forum, none of us know what is REALLY going on in the other person’s life. That’s where „live contact” comes in. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn’t . In my experience lots of people say „How are you?” If you begin to tell them they run a mile and we never hear from them again. Family members especially, and if you try to explain , you suddenly become a „drama queen” or a” trouble maker”…..maybe I’m projecting my experience on to yours, Lorraine but look around and you will see this happens to many.
      I think it’s best to try to get by alone one day at a time. Build up your inner reserves. You have a lot! Share what we can with the few who ARE receptive and in the meantime, enjoy or mourn our own ups and downs .
      It is often in reaching out to others that we find solace.
      Glad you took the time to „vent” here. More people read than we realize!
      „Two men looked through prison bars;
      One saw mud, the other saw stars!”
      KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE STARS, Lorraine.

      Everything changes!

    • #24913
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi lorraine.im not a bi g supporter of this honesty about our addiction line of thought. I think think that the people who encourage honesty are people who have had positive Experiences as a result of such honesty and just don’t get that the outcome is just as likely to be negative.

      Your friend sounds like a very selfish person. Me me me.. I have lost ‘Friends’ along the way too…. Usually when the focus left them because I needed some support …

      U are doing well Lorraine. Don’t let one slip be a major relapse. Somedays seem darker than others but the sun always shines again.
      Your sister will get by. Us gamblers are very resourceful. We always manage to get by..

      It’s brilliant that u are finishing ur sweater.. It is symbolic of the end of a journey of struggles and the start of something new and great..wish I cud see it. I cud give u my email address if u wud like ??

    • #24914
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Nothing missing in your brain Lorraine. It seems to me that u are very self aware and have a good understanding of this addiction.
      It must be so difficult when ur sister is also a cG but she appears to be in denial.
      I feel for her son..

      Compulsive gaming is crazy.. It makes us perceive the world in a crazy way. We have all been there.
      Keep strong Lorraine!!

    • #24915
      vera
      Participant

      You are caught up in an awful situation, Lorraine. Is there ANY way you can live separately from your sister and her son? It really is pulling you down. Can you even insist she gives you the rent BEFORE she leaves for the casino? Not easy to focus on your own recovery when you have to deal with her problems too….

    • #24916
      bettie
      Participant

      Oh Lorraine!
      I read your post and I cringe! I can not imagine trying live much less be sober in the situtation you find yourself in.
      I get the need to help family but I also know being a CG that our addiction LOVES this stuff. It keeps us confused and people pleasing as we put other peoples feelings and needs before our own. Demanding rent from a CG is daunting at best. I’m with Vera-can you manage without your sister there? I can’t see where she is assisting you with expenses and is just causing you greif.
      It’s easy to look from the out side and say „I would do this or that” and yet I know it’s much different when you are living it. I allowed much abuse to myself in the throws of my addiction . I enabled my own abuse because I didn’t believe I deserved any better or was worthy of anyones attention or love.
      I still deal with this stuff and these feelings but I think I handle this better that I did a few years back.
      bettie

    • #24917
      p
      Participant

      I think someone mentioned to you, cant you get the rent from her BEFORE she goes to the casino.. maybe make that a rule of living there. Its pretty fair, if she chooses to gamble fine, not much you can do about that but she can give you the rent first. I admire you having here there. I can see no way i would survive in recovery living with someone who gambles. You are doing really well and its always a pleasure to see you in chat. Hoep to see more of you

      P

    • #24918
      p
      Participant

      Hey well done Lorraine i felt teary for you when you said about getting your teeth done.. It is amazing how we neglect ourselves when we are gambling. Crazy crazy stuff this addiction, i will never ever get my head round it, i just have to know that i cant gamble.. cant have that first bet for me or i am a gonner ! Keep up the good work and look at the positives. Your sister isn’t in recovery but you are! Think of when you were in the midst of addiction too could your sister have stopped you? I know its frustrating, i dont know how you do it living with her now. Remember your recovery comes first , without it we are no help to anyone. I understand how she is in addiction because i am the same in the middle of it no one or nothing will stop me. You can only do what you can for you. Be an example to her and show her how your life is changing for the better without gambling in it. I love that you are still not going to the casino while she is. I love it. You are better than that you want recovery.. keep going Lorraine. You are worth it, you have so much stress in your life but keep trying to look for those little positives, it is so easy to focus just on the negative.. i get negative too.. dont get me wrong but i find if i look for the little bonuses in life that its not so heavy..

      P

    • #24919
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine! How’s things? Are you still knitting? Be nice to have an update from u! Hope all is going really well!!

    • #24920
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine! How’s things? Are you still knitting? Be nice to have an update from u! Hope all is going really well!!

    • #24921
      lorraine
      Participant

      well no iam not knitting right now ,mind is in a ba d place right now and will be for a bit.
      9 more days to get it right,banning is over.
      It is consuming my every thought and mood.
      Happens everytime.
      Sat here again for a bit after i did do alot ,no gambling.
      But what i would of given to of had a face to face person to talk to ,i was alone it was private ,but nope ,so i kinda figure
      the only person who can throw me a lifeline is me.
      Trouble is would i even catch it right now ,i dont know my addiction is raging ,telling me hope is comming hope is comming and i so depseratly need to know there is hope.
      Sad that i think that way but i do.
      Sure hope things are going okay for you sad take care hugs thanks for asking about me.

    • #24922
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Lorraine it is really hard to stop gambling and even more difficult to stop the urges.. I have had some success with on line hypnosis .. The urges seem less although I can feel them returning so I will be doing a top up session. I used Elronn ferguson but there are a few free ones on line. I did the hypnosis every day until the urges subsided! Worth a try!!

      Can u check when the groups are on Lorraine and then u can hat to a real person or several . i found the help line really good when I was in a really bad place. Keep coming on here Lorraine. Keep writing on your thread. And keep using the groups! You have a whole community of people right here who get it! We are all compulsive gamblers whether active or in recovery! We have all made bad choices! We have all made mistakes. We all know only too well what the aftermath of gambling is like. We all have found our best intentions crushed by the incessant urges that are part of this addiction! So stay in touch n maybe get knitting again!!

    • #24923
      vera
      Participant

      Powerful post Lorraine!
      No easy road to Recovery for a CG!
      Just take one step/one day at a time!

    • #24924
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine,

      It is always good to see you around (although I haven’t for a long time and in truth thats my fault) I have been informed I am ok to use the gambling therapy site again and in fairness that is great because I have missed a lot of people on here and you being one of them. Life can sometimes take over and also take us to some very dark places and I am not afraid to admit some of the places my gambling has taken me I never even knew existed. I just wanted to drop in and wish you well Lorraine, thank you for all the help and support you have given me over the years you really are a true friend and I am sorry I haven’t kept in touch more, I think about you often and in truth the other night myself, my little girl and my not so little boy now were sat on the sofa watching mighty ducks (some hockey film) and snuggled under a very nice blanket made for me by a very special friend……..well it is getting cold over here as it is nearly november, Lorraine thank you for being you and I really hope this finds you well.

      Take care and will speak very soon.

      Maverick

    • #24925
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hope things are good for and your family,and i hope you had a very fun halloween with the kids.
      Me i put up the No Candy sighn lol.
      Im finally going to stand a chance at being gamble free again.nerves are shot ,son saved my butt Again.
      Im not so sure why the fear of being homeless never stops me from gambling .I dont get it.
      My daughter that moved up north moved back on thursday so relieved to have her home.the mommy in me needs my kids close and when i saw her thursday i knew why.
      She left here perfect a month and a half ago,to come home with left sided movements,unsteady balance and uncontrollable movements all left sided .I said how long has this been going on she said about 3wks !!!!! Omg
      So needless to say i took her to her doc and one look she said go to the hospital NOW .Dont go home first go now .we feared a stroke.
      Well after a few tests and specialits it was not a stoke and she doesnt have any blood clots.phew.
      But she will go for one more test of her brain.
      I see my husbands disease when i watch her ,but something is slightly different about it, but not.
      She was tested to not have it ,but my worst fears is that she does.
      The doctor called it dystonic movements.
      My holidays are over im back to work tomorrow ,my nerves are shot !!!!!.
      I feel like my body fell backwards into a time warp of pain ,that i have been to before.
      As my daughter sat along side me her movements never even phased me,she was my hubby.
      But when i saw her i grew another pillar of strength ,not sure where it came from but i do it is taking from me to keep it up.
      I never want to hear that expession Fake it till you make it ! again.
      tired. hugs
      Maverick im always glad to hear from you .keep safe .

    • #24926
      p
      Participant

      Sounds like you have been through a lot and its wonderful you were there for your daughter and not in the casino.. you are starting over again and things will get better as time goes on. Its wonderful your daughter didnt have a stroke and doesnt have th disease hubby has… must have been such a relief to find it was ok..
      keep going lorraine, dont look back

      P

    • #24927
      lorraine
      Participant

      She is not okay P .they just dont know what it is yet.
      But your right im not in a casino.
      Hugs P take care .

    • #24928
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine I wish you and your daughter all the very best, stay strong and never give up my friend, I think about you often and my thoughts are with you.

      I hope the „no candy” sign didn’t get you in any trouble……..as I know what these trick or treaters can be like……….we ran out of candy in the end…….had to turn the lights out a pretend we were not home, I suppose better to hide from trick or treaters rather than the rent man…………..that was common back in the day due to my gambling activities.

      Take care Lorraine and speak soon, all the very best.

      Maverick

    • #24929
      p
      Participant

      My apologies to you i did not read the post right and thought your daughter was ok, i was just meaning at least those other things were ruled out.. i hope that it is nothing bad lorraine that is happening and that they find an explanation soon..
      you have been through a lot, i am really glad that you are not gambling now..

      P

    • #24930
      p
      Participant

      Hi lorraine

      I just want to say that i am thinking of you today and hoping that things are improving in your life. how is your daughter, did they do the tests and found out what it is?

      P

    • #24931
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hi thanks for asking,i read your post and nah you didnt vent to much,the more honest a post ,the more healing for you and the more helpful to others.
      Stay strong P.
      My daughters MRI showed nothing,but the neurologists report came back query a disease i have never heard of ,Ataxia?
      I went online and looked it up and yes it does sound like it.
      If indeed that is what it is the prognosis is not good,chances are it is progressive and permanent,but in some cases it can be only a temporary thing,
      No further calls or appts were made regarding this,so tommorrow at 1130 i told my daughter be ready we are going to she her doc .
      And yah her doc is a flamming useless doc who runs more for her methadone patients,and actually 90 % of the other docs in town dont care for her either.Kinda scarey .
      My stress level is about a 1000 right now,had my last 6 teeth pulled and great except one he tore my gums so bad still in pain 9 days later,and at work i have all new bosses,and iam so afraid that this new boss will not be so easy going on my days off i call in sick for.but i need them i do.
      And the owners of this building are approaching the tenants and making them offers to move so they renovate and raise the rent,yikes i dont want to move.
      And i finally after over a year i got to see the pain specialist and after about 20 min ,he made me two offers take anti depressants for the pain and get a needle in my back every three months to help eleviate the pain.I said no thank you ,fix it just fix it,he then said sorry we cant help you.Left there feeling really low.
      To be truthful i feel like im running down a long hallway full of doors and im racing to open each door with such anticapation of getting that feeling of omg finally i can rest thank you.
      All i know is that i kinda feel numb these days ,taking ativan more and more .i just cant seem to figure any of this out.
      I havent been gambling for 24 days and urges are mild but always present.
      I have been going to bed at 7 or 8 at night so tired ,need to shut my head off lol.
      I honestly think i just dont care any more most days,attitude is hurry up day so i can sleep .
      Any way i worked afternoons today so it is just past midnight ,look out world tomorrow im up in 5 hours ,will feel like the living dead im sure lol.
      Take care p we will make it hugs.

    • #24932
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      HI Lorraine, thank u for the update on what’s going on with you. I hope your daughter gets better news about her health. She is blessed to have such a caring mum.

      Work stinks!! I have had a bad run with flus and bugs . It is amazing how quickly decades of excellent attendance are forgotten. If you are sick you are sick!!!

      24 days is a great achievement Lorraine, especially when you have other worries!! You at doing really well!!

      Hope to see u in chat soon!!

    • #24933
      lorraine
      Participant

      i hurried home for the topic group ,and missed it by 3min locked out ,why do you guys do that .

    • #24934
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine,

      I have just been reading through your recent posts and I just wanted to say sorry you are going through such a tough time, I consider you as a really good friend, I really hope all works out for you and really wish you and your daughter all the very best , it is hard when we are in a situation that we want to help the people close to us but have no real control over the situation, stay strong Lorraine as I am sure you always do for your daughter and stay positive……tough at times I know but keep at it and in the end I hope all works out as it is meant to be, always good to see you around and hope to catch up very soon, take care Lorraine and I really do wish you all the very best in the world, you have always been a good friend to me and I will always remember that …….in turn if I can ever help you out then please just talk……I am always happy to listen to you my friend and it always brings a smile to my face when I bump into you……I look for you often must just be in the wrong places lol.

      Maverick

    • #24935
      lorraine
      Participant

      Ah thanks maverick always good to hear from you.
      Today was good daughter got an early appt to see a neorololgist on the 22nd instead of 15 months ,nice break.hopefully between him and her cardiologist we will have an answer soon.
      And then today sister was just leaving early ? she had a 4 pm apt in vancouver,she said oh im going early ,im thinking what it is only noon,then she said going to bank to see if i got my overdraft,my heart sank,i knew then and there where she was going.I sure hope it was a wee little overdraft.
      So now im home from work it is like 1130 pm? sisters still up,i said anything wrong? She says no ,but then i knew where she went again after her apt,Cause i had called h ome from work and asked son if she was home at about 830 ,he said no,hmm i thought oh maybe not comming home then okay.
      But to see her awake when i got home ,I just know she blew all her overdraft gambling ,im so angry ,im so not looking forwards to her saying to her son no i cant i have to pay my overdraft.
      She has no idea how bad she just made things for herself.
      Viscous cycle she will be trapped in.
      She will act like it is none of my business and that irratates me cause if we just joined together to beat the addiction i think we could.
      Tommorrow is my payday so will be a very hard day for me,urges and foul foul moods,emotions all over the place,yah call it a temper tantrum maybe even ,but they are real ,and i go through them every payday.
      Oh well she better duck tomorrow is all i can say lol.
      Night all ,i know i can do this .have to.Dont want this years christmas mixed up in anyway with my gambling .Had to many of them already.

    • #24936
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine,

      I felt the need to reply and in all honesty wanted to reply, I have thought about the many times I gambled on payday………and guess what………I lost everything nearly everytime………….oh wait one time I won a load of money……..more than I new what to do with……..more than I could ever imagine……………I was the man………a king…………..the day ended and I went back the next and lost everything……………..(maverick takes a long sigh)…….the problem is I am a compulsive gambler………….as long as I choose to gamble I can never win………..I know that now………..I understand that now……….Lorraine I just wanted to share with you and wish you all the very best from the bottom of my heart. I dont always do it but please do as I say and not as I do lol………..really hope you are keeping well, I have never used your blanket so much as over the last couple of months…………bloody cold over here at the moment……..well cold fir us English.

      Stay strong Lorraine and take care my friend……….if this message doesnt go through I am really sorry, on my phone, poor reception, hardly read the text……..so in truth I am hoping for a miracle……….the good thing is I do believe.

      Maverick

    • #24937
      lorraine
      Participant

      Some people can change ,and some cant,im one of the ones that cant.
      Not really upset ,a little dissappointed perhaps.
      You see if nothing changes nothing changes so what the heck was i thinking in the first place to think i could ever lick this .
      But i do thank you Maverick for supporting me,you always have take care and hope you have a wonderful Christmas if we dont chat before.bye

    • #24939
      charles
      Moderator

      Then Lorraine, what can you change?

    • #24938
      charles
      Moderator

      Then Lorraine, what can you change?

    • #24940
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thats how long the record shows ,since any contact here from anyone.
      Not one person has bothered to send me a post to see how iam even doing.
      Not even hey thought of you today.
      Went to a GA meeting last week ,had to laugh really ,i was ask my name i was forgotten about,the one lady who took my number months before who said Oh you can count on me i will call you,well she was one of the ones who forgot my name.When i was asked what my name was it hurt it did i wont lie,I wanted to say does it matter no one will remember it anyway.
      The she said later oh i have the new phone list ,i got excited a bit oh finally after like 3 years, i was going to get one ,but then she remembered she had to still make copies ugh.
      And yah she never offered to call me or reask for my number for the new phone list so i take it im not it.
      Was a good meeting despite my hurt ,you see my banning was ending on sunday and i needed to hear something to remind me of what and who iam ,and who i will turn into when i gamble.
      Left the meeting ,with no outside support ,i just so badly needed to even at least have 10 min of someones time face to face to talk to.But it just doesnt happen for me.
      So you guessed it the only person that will talk to me is my own head .Not a very good conversation in there i can tell yah.
      I have been to the casino on Sunday,spent almost 18 hours out of the 24 hours ,i lasted 24 hours ,spent the last 2 hours or so,watching and listening to all the people around me.
      I rebanned again ,left just knowing i just cant do this mentally again tomorrow,i had fun i did for about the first 12 hours or so,but i knew when it was time to go,i couldnt leave,not in me,not possible,an i needed help to go home so i needed help to get me out of there ,and banning was my only option again.
      Came home so high wasnt funny,comming down was horrible,and when i awoke in the am ,it took me about 4 seconds to just know i didnt want to carry on ,the depression hit me hard .
      Today i had to work and i did yesterday too but i called in sick to gamble ,rushed home told work a lie and raced back to the casino,thats pretty much when i knew i was no longer in control again.
      Tonight im still feeling the depression im so sad im afraid i will never find happiness again.
      Gambling has destroyed everything around me and in me.
      Im so alone i cant talk to anyone ,but i can tell you the search for me might have to come from within.
      But within is broken and lost.
      I actullay believed she was going to call me waited for weeks ,sucker me huh.
      Just one person to believe in me .
      Feeling like i just dont belong anywhere ,recovery has not been a healthy envoirment for me emotionally,just cant seem to get past the hi how are you stages with anyone.
      Unlikeable for life.
      Night time for bed now,i dread the am .
      Glad im not allowed in the casino ,it was the right descision.
      I know that .
      Sorry to vent like this but ,im really all plugged up with a million thoughts right now.
      night thanks for listening.

    • #24941
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Lorraine I just logged in and saw your post and thought yippee Lorraine’s back. A lot of people seem to have moved on and despite posting often I often find my posts unanswered.
      I am so sorry .. I should have sent you a post as you have always been one of my favourites on here . This is a failing on my part not yours.

      I guess I Have been too caught up in the cycle of gambling and not gambling …that’s how this addiction steals our friendships from us .. We lack consistency and give people mixed messages .

      I know how awful the aftermath of gambling is Lorraine .i am sending you a cyber hug. You are definitely not unlikeable . I like you a lot..

      Gambling makes us selfish. I have been so caught up in my own struggles I have ignored and hurt a friend . Please accept my apologies .. If you wanted to you could ask GT to send me your email address and we could stay in touch more often ..

      Oh I’ve just realised I have changed my name and you may not be aware of it .. My old name was sad68.

      Lorraine please don’t ever internalise other people’s failings. They are not a reflection on you …

      Can I recommend a web site which helped me so much. I would say it was life changing for me . It is an Australian site called moodgym… It kinda helped me view things in a more positive light .

      Stay strong Lorraine .. You are so worthy of freedom from this horrible addiction .

    • #24942
      Liberty
      Participant

      We have never actually met, well I did see you a couple of times in the chat room when I first joined the site. I just read your journal.
      I hear you and understand how you feel, I don’t know the ins and out of your life story but I do know only too well the place you are in at the moment.
      Sometimes we feel that no one cares, maybe we just wont let them care, so convinced at our own worthlessness and intent on our own self destruction, we see everything as a slight against us, looking for confirmation all the time that no one likes me I am not good enough, it is our perception of ourselves that needs to change, not an easy thing to do.
      I hear you and I do care about you as a fellow sufferer of this disease, please visit the site more often to get the support you do deserve Lorraine cos its not just words, you are worth it.
      You will be in my prayers dear Lady

    • #24943
      monique
      Participant

      I have just read your post. I want to say that I am sorry you feel so down and alone, just now, and disappointed in people, too. You have made a courageous decision to come back and share with us all, though, and maybe this will be the start of something more optimistic for you. Do keep in touch; as you have seen, none of us is perfect, no one gets it right all the time, but I hope you will experience that some people do care and will offer you support and friendship again, now that you have let us know what is happening in your life and how you are feeling.
      Monique

    • #24944
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thank you for you kind words , and support ,i like your new nick sad .
      Thank you too monique for your support and kind words.
      It is not really about online support that i need so much i need a recovery friend face to face .Cause days like yesterday really are hard to get through alone.
      But tonight im a little better been giving myself a blast of you better get grateful for a little more in life pill,so tonight im grateful for the banning process available to me,cause without it i would not be home right now ,safe and warm drinking my coffee.
      Night still a little stressed.take care bye

    • #24945
      charlster2
      Participant

      I’m relatively new on here and don’t think we’ve interacted before.

      I don’t think there has been a single post that I’ve read on here where I haven’t said to myself, I’ve felt like that, I’ve been through that, I know exactly how he/she is feeling etc, etc. Reading your post about feeling so alone hit home to me especially. I’ve felt alone for years, even when I’ve been in relationships!

      It’s a tough one because we are all wrapped up in our own struggles and attempts to fight off our own demons that we can easily get waylaid and become self-centred. It’s not that no one cares, in fact I am 100% certain that the opposite is true. At times of lapses, re-lapses, depression, mood swings, we tend to amplify everything that is not so good in our lives. We convince ourselves that no one cares about us and that everyone has neglected us and so on. I’ve done it thousands of times and I’m still doing it.

      What I’ve come to realise is that it’s not that no one cares, it’s the fact that we sometimes become so insular that we actually inadvertently cut ourselves off from getting support and help. We expect everyone to read between the lines and understand exactly what we’re going through all of the time.

      I don’t know you, but it could be that if you’re anything like me, perhaps you need to sometimes ask for that support and ask for the help that you need. Sometimes people can’t see the sadness beyond the false smiles and if you tell people you’re doing good when you’re actually struggling, well that is disastrous.

      I’m speaking from my own experiences here and I’m only saying all of this because it could be that next time you go to the GA meeting you need to open up with someone there and ask for that support, it’s better than suffering in silence. I’m a master at suffering in silence and I’m trying to practice what I preach at this very moment in time. I’m trying to change the habit of a life time and be more open.

      It’s made me a very bitter person at times, because I’ve expected everyone to see the sadness behind my eyes, the struggles behind my false façade and because they haven’t, I’ve convinced myself that no one cares. I’ve then consequently shut them out and become even more withdrawn and depressed.

      It’s tough Lorraine, but we do care and I’m sure everyone at the GA meeting you attended cares. Next time offer your number, don’t wait to be asked and have a chat with that lady that was supposed to call you. It could be that she has so much on her plate herself, that she genuinely forgot.

      Take care and I am sure I can speak for every single person on here when I say that we all care deeply for you and your struggles.

      Charlster.

    • #24946
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hey Lorraine

      This insidious addiction works in many ways, its clever its conniving, it’s your best friend and your worst enemy and most of all it what you let it be

      I read and read you post, I didn’t reply not because I didn’t want to for various reasons. The community has taken on a new lease of life, old members have moved on or pop back now and again; the best part though is the therapeutic peer support from new members, these guys replying isn’t just helping you it’s also helping them reinforce their own beliefs, some are just starting out in recovery, some are awaiting to go into rehab, some have recently been through therapy, some may be using GT and nothing else.. it’s just so fantastic to see the community pulling together.

      Monique’s line ” none of us is perfect, no one gets it right all the time” it’s so true, some time back I used to post all the time, but to an extent this had a detrimental affect I believe, I started to notice that when I posted other members wouldn’t follow… during a group I asked the question as to why people aren’t posting „why should we You have” but I’m just me, I’m human, I’m one persons, I’m fallible and mostly I’m just one opinion, but to many it had become „Admin have spoken” it must be right… so I stopped posting to the extent I used too, admin don’t speak and get it right, admin speak and offer opinions

      Lorraine I’ve known you for many, many years, I’m possibly more aware of your situation than many and as you know i challenge, I hope constructively.. so I am going to ask a few questions, more to make you think about your situation now that any other reason

      I had a quick look at the post directly above your post and there was a question from Charles that you hadn’t answered, it was the last post and a poignant question which was ” Then Lorraine, what can you change?”

      What a question, the truth is and the serenity prayer says it all God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can ; and wisdom to know the difference”

      Some things in life we cannot change and it’s a matter of accepting them, as well as learning to live with the situation as best we can. courage to change the things I can, this is tougher than tough, we need to believe we can change, we need to want to change and we need to be open to constructive criticism we can say „I can do this at 50% or I can be courageous and do something 100%, change is 100%… it’s a choice and whilst 50% may make a change, its possibly not a life changing change

      GA can be tough, it can be demoralising… I read people say „You NEED to go every week”, do you need to go every week for your recovery to exist? this is again open to debate … however is it beneficial to go to allow other to get to know you, to become part of something that you commit to and they give back, I truly believe many go every week because they truly enjoy it and enjoy giving back… do they need to, I don’t know

      Lorraine your an important member, every member is equal, no one holds a hierarchal position, sure new members may seem to get more engagement.. but that’s only if they engage with the community

      Lorraine, Its fabulous you’ve self excluded again, but how long for.. are you going to put yourself through another white knuckle ride for the 6 months and then have the panic of renewing or have you committed to the 5 years exclusion allowing you to remove some anxiety and allow GA and GT to support you

      You maybe thinking … O NO its him again, Lorraine I have admired you from day one, your situation is incredibly difficult, you are an inspiration… is now the time Lorraine accepts the help that’s on offer, I truly hope so.. you deserve it and we haven’t forsaken or forgotten you

    • #24947
      p
      Participant

      Hi there Lorraine

      I am so sorry for not posting here but i used to always look for you on the other chat sites, gamtalk and safe harbor.. I hope that you are doing ok.. sometimes i think when people disappear that they do not want to be bothered by anyone.. i am like that when i go away. I am so glad to see you posting. I know the struggle and you know i know because for years we would see each other in chat and i would be there relapsing and sometimes you would help me in chat.. i hope that you grab onto the support now and what you did was good you reached out and said how you feel, its hard for everyone with this addiction or we wouldnt be here.. i hope to see you maybe in the groups soon for a chat that would be great i used to love seeing you there..
      I am going ok today but there were many years i wasnt.. i thought it not possible for me i relapsed for six years of being here.. finally somethings clicked but it took that long of trying to stop.. and perservering
      So glad you have banned again and i know its always a challenge for you when the rebanning comes up, i know of the challenges living with people who gamble and your situation with hubby.. you are strong Lorraine to have got through all this.. i think you are amazing. I hope to see you soon.. i have really missed our conversations.. i still look out for you hoping to see you pop into one of the chats..

      P

    • #24948
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well its true i can push people away,i have learned over the years ,guilty,i also have asked directly for help and been refused so many times ,i really had to stop.
      GA well we are a small group,and yes i have said i need more help asked for a sponser,asked for the call list a few times.They dont do sponsers i was told,and the phone list is always in the making.
      Went weekly for years .
      And that last question i was asked What can i changed ,well kinda stumped me,i cant change my life ,only can change how i view it,cant go back and change the consequences of my gambling,wich will take me till iam 65.What i can change is stop gambling forever.work harder to make more money,cause stopping gambling still doesnt allow for me savings,i can stop feeling sorry for myself and just except my fate,and hope that it all one day i wake up happy.
      Ah the serenity prayer,God grant me the strength and courage to get through this day and the ability to keep my big mouth shut,thats my version.say it every morning to myself going up the elevator to work,and just before i walk into the care home.
      No one wants to hang out with me ,well cause for one thing when hubby got sick all my friends dissappeared one by one and thats okay i understand,my world isnt exactley ,shopping trips and ,dinners out ,or spa days,gym or yoga or even just going for a simple walk,im not interested in anything lost all joy for living a long time ago,and that is just reality for me.
      Doing time.
      Im sorry for axcusing people of not caring ,i didnt answer posts either,
      Gambling shattered my world,Hubbys sickness shattered my world.
      When i go to the casino i can still find the old me for a few hours,and i miss me.
      But i know that is the dream world cause the old me is dead,i cant come back.
      But for those few hours i can still find bits of the old me.But everytime i go back there is just that little bit less of the old me there.
      What i guess im trying to say is its not the gambling im missing its more me.
      Did you know that so little had change in 6 months the fellow told me he didnt need to update my photo,said i hadnt changed at all,and guess what same shoes,same sweater i was wearing ,same purse ,same car,same jeans,same messed up hair,same EVERYTHING.
      Like time stood still ,and it did ive been stuck for years.
      No one can be expected to help me ,until i can help myself first.
      But i have a sneaky feeling that this is it,for me damaged ran to deep.and the worst is yet to come.
      Still hurting tonight ,but i do appreciate all your time you took to write your posts thank you.
      I really helps me to rethink a few things.
      May be one day i will P we will meet in chat again ,that would be nice ,so glad you are doing well ,been a long long journey for you hugs.
      Please be patient with me God isnt finished with me yet ,or is he lol .yikes night take care.

    • #24949
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Lorraine I am rushing out to work and just saw your post and thought i would drop by and say Hi .. Longer reply to follow.

    • #24950
      charlster2
      Participant

      I’m not a counsellor, I’m a compulsive gambler that’s been to hell and back like most people on here.

      I’m only reading between the lines here, but you don’t seem to be in a better place than you were 6 months ago. Forgive me if I’m mistaken. If you have been refused help, it’s probably because you haven’t asked the right people yet. If you’re not getting the support you need from your GA group, look up another group that’s accessible to you. I urge you to keep seeking help, you will find it. I know I can’t tough this out on my own, I need help to recover. I’ve done something only this past week that I haven’t done before. I opened up graphically to people that I hardly know, but who had the power to possibly help me and relieve some of the pressure in my life. Yes it could have backfired, but nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say. It turned out better than I could have imagined. I got more help from people this week than I have got from some blood relatives!! A real learning curve, I can tell you. You deserve every snippet of help that you can get and if you keep asking, you will find it.

      One thing you said that really took me aback was when you said that when you go the casino you can find the old you and you miss the old you. I actually hate the person I am when I go back to the dark gambling world. It clearly shows that something is lacking in your life if you like the old you at the casino more than the you now. Again, forgive me if I’m wrong, but it appears that is what you’re are saying.

      In my experience, when I’ve been depressed, down, consumed by my addiction, I’ve given off the wrong vibes to people around me, sometimes unknowingly. In the past, I’ve preferred to free up time to gamble rather than hang out with those close to me. Eventually, people drifted away and stopped asking for my company and in my life they disappeared in their droves. Charlster the gambler is not a pleasant person. He’s self-centred, insular, unsociable, selfish and I could go on. People feed off each other and if you give off negative vibes, people tend to find excuses not to be around you. We then end up blaming everyone else, when all we have to do is actually change our own demeanour. It made me a very bitter person, because I thought everyone was abandoning me, not caring about me, etc, etc. No one else was to blame except me. No one wanted to be around a miserable git like me who spent his gambling days wallowing in self-pity.

      I would say that you can change your life. You don’t have to accept your fate, I think you can dictate you own destiny, but it’s only you that can do it. I’m sure you will find that once you work at being happier, people will be naturally drawn to you, because they’ll feed off all the positivity that you’ll radiate. You won’t even know that you are doing it, but you’ll see people reacting more positively towards you.

      I’m in the infancy of my recovery, so I’ve yet to practice what I preach, but it doesn’t stop me from analysing my life and planning what I need to do to change things and I’m only relaying to you how I think things will pan out in my life if I make changes.

      Keep posting and keep seeking the support and help you deserve and more importantly, keep fighting. Your happiness and life is priceless, so fight tooth and nail to salvage it, it’s never too late.

      Be happy,

      Charlster.

    • #24951
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thank you for your post
      I dont mean the old me the gambler,i mean just me as a person that i still exist me lorraine.taking time for me and just me,not doing for others.
      But unfortunatly i found the worst place in the world to go to be with just me.
      I do not like the gambler in me,who would my god ,me as a gambler is not good at all through and through rotten to the core.
      Tonight i ran into a GA member and yes it is my meeting night,he was just passing the time till the meeting started in about an hour,i approached him and said hi ,having quiet time are yah and smiled,He ask me how i was doing ,i told him wow last week i sure needed some help,but ive since rebanned.He then looked away and picked up his cell phone as much to say this conversation is over ,ouch i walked away wishing i never spoke to him ,cause his rejection really hurt me.You know it would of made my year if he just would of said Hey Lorraine ,good to see you can you join me for a coffee,and hey see you tonight.but nope ,as i left i had to pass him again I waved bye but he couldnt even muster up a good -bye wave.
      Now i know i shouldnt let that get to me,but it did ,it effin hurt ,and just the little more bitter inside ,hate that word unity.
      Yah i never went to the meeting tonight told myself what the Hell for.I have tried other meetings found a great one ,but to far for me to go ,and well my car is on its last legs ,work and home is always enough of a wing and a prayer for me.
      You say your in your infancy of recovery and have more support from others then family members,funny how that works i found that out a bit too.
      Although my kids have stuck it out with me through hell and back .
      Any way im tired ,i have to go to work in am so im off but please i really do appreciate all the posts right now i do .
      take care night

    • #24952
      charlster2
      Participant

      I apologise Lorraine for misunderstanding part of your post. I tried to read between the lines and misread your meaning.

      I’m sometimes very wary about giving advice, because I feel that if I can’t handle my own life then what makes me qualified to give others advice. I think it’s because I’ve been there and bought the T-Shirt a thousand times that I seem to relate and recognise other peoples situations much clearer than I can see my own.

      I hate seeing others struggle on here and in general and wish I had a solution to every problem, but I’m just not qualified sadly. However, I can’t help myself from offering support whenever and wherever I can. I’m sure someone more qualified than me will come up with some ideas for you.

      You seem to be alone in your struggles and the simple things like a good hug and a cup of coffee with someone who can relate to and understand you is all we need to help us sometimes. I can only imagine how hard it is to have the burden of this addiction and to then have to be strong for off spring and family too. I find it a struggle just being strong for me at times, so I really do feel for you.

      I can only suggest that you call an old friend or two if that’s possible, maybe one that you used to hang out with and instigate a coffee meet so that you can have a good chin-wag. It’s escapism you need by the sounds of it, something that breaks up the everyday routine. We all need that! We all know that we used to look in the wrong place for escapism in the past i.e. the gambling world and it is hard replacing that once we stop.

      Maybe look up local activity classes or groups? It’s something I will have to do at some point. We all need something that’ll get us back into circulation and mingling again, a distraction. Speaking for myself, I found gambling such an unsociable activity and it does erode our social skills bit by bit. It’s not easy remembering what to do to get to know new people again.

      In the meantime there are some fantastic people on here, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that and please keep posting. I want to give you as much support as I possibly can and I’m sure others more capable than me do too.

      Sending you a big virtual ((((((((H U G))))))))) and keep your chin up, we will all get to where we want to be by supporting each other whichever way we can.

      Have a lovely day.

      Charlster

    • #24953
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine
      It would seem that it would have been easier for him to say, “Hey Lorraine ,good to see you can you join me for a coffee, and hey see you tonight”.
      What it says to me Lorraine, is that the man who behaves like this is not in a good place. His selfishness overrode his performing a simple act of kindness, goodwill and plain good manners. However he is only one man and it doesn’t matter who we are, we all met such people in our lives. Yes it hurts – but how much more important it is not to let it affect us and what we are trying to achieve. Are you saying his poor behaviour stopped you going to GA?
      Just a thought but maybe his behaviour towards you and your subsequent feelings could have been raised at the meeting. I don’t think that empathy can be taught but maybe you would help him by letting him know his behaviour was unacceptable –that he had hurt you with his thoughlessness. No, you can’t change him or anyone else but yourself – but if he walks away oblivious to your hurt then he has learned nothing.
      Its good to see you posting again. It’s been a long time since I met you in a group.
      Velvet

    • #24954
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine,

      It’s always good to see you around and read your posts, I haven’t been around here much for one reason or another, I was just reading your recent post and your meeting you had with another recovering compulsive gambler, it is strange how other peoples actions have an effect on ourselves but yes I have to agree I am very much like you and would get upset at the way this other person reacted towards me, having said that who really knows what people are going through at that certain point in time when the meeting happens, all I do know now is „what other people think of me is there problem not mine

      Lorraine I wish you all the very best in the world and hope to catch up with you very soon, take care my friend and keep fighting.

      Maverick

    • #24955
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Lorraine, when I gamble I want to hide from the world. I hide away, I pretend I am using my phone … I just want to hide my shame .

      Each of us are on our own journey, we each have our own struggles …but we probably do not realise the impact of our actions other people.

      This fella probably has lost his confidence, and maybe couldn’t afford the price of a coffee…who knows?

      Don’t let other people in their struggles drag you down.

      You deserve so much more

    • #24956
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine, I hope you are well.

      I always say that if we could do it on our own then none of us would be in trouble in the first place.

      Maybe there are a few little things you could do differently? How about posting here more often and getting to groups?

      How about getting back to that GA meeting and asking that lady if it’s ok if you have her number so that you can ring her?

      The man from GA who might have asked you to have a coffee? Yes he could have done things differently, who knows how his own recovery is going. GA is a room full of people from all walks of life. If you have a room full of people anywhere, GA or not, we aren’t going to get on well with all of them, we might even dislike some of them. maybe even think one or two of them are a *****!

      I always say that if I dislike someone then the last thing I am going to do is let them affect MY recovery. I hope you don’t let this man affect your recovery and get back to that meeting or another.

      Hopefully see you in a group here again soon.

    • #24957
      p
      Participant

      Hows it going today.. thinking of you and hoping to bump into you again around the place..

      P

    • #24958
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine , how’s things ! Hope the sun is shining and u are feeling good !

    • #24959
      lorraine
      Participant

      So sorry for not responding to your posts ,not handling this depression very well at all,yah the sun is shinning but that is just making it all worse,holidays are here another years of memories i know i will miss,
      We used to go to grandmas every long weekened,and stuck in my head so many years back i remember the excitiment in the kids all packed in the front yard ,just waiting for dad to come home for work so we could all pile in the car and go.
      But hes not comming home anymore ,i know not to wait,so do they but know they know not to wait for me too.so many years have gone now,and we share different memories ,
      I will sit here all alone all weekened ,visit hubby and talk about anything but what the world is doing without us.
      Mentally and physcially burnt out.
      Im not so sure i will be good to be around for awhile so please forgive me ,thank you for the support you offered ,but i need to hibernate again.Its just better that way for me.
      Hope you all have a wonderful summer as it should be ,may the sun shine on your memories this summer dont wait for the next one k hugs bye

    • #24960
      kpat
      Participant

      Sending warm thoughts and hugs to you. Sending up prayers that joy will find you and bring a smile to your face. Depression is painful and I am so sorry that you are feeling low.

    • #24961
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      I hope you get to read this before you go into complete hibernation.

      Read up, look at how you felt when you came back to post this time. Unfortunately it would likely happen again, it’s a busty forum and threads slip down and people respond to people who are posting.

      Look around the forum as well, how many of us are there? Not a single one of us could do this on our own. I hope you speak to your doctor about your depression and get back soon to using the support you and the rest of us need to help with our addiction.

    • #24962
      p
      Participant

      Hope you are doing ok today. Keep talking keep posting, venting is a wonderful way to reduce stress and get things off your chest

      P

    • #24963
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine ,
      I hope u don’t hibernate for too long .. Looking forward to hearing an update

    • #24964
      lorraine
      Participant

      I thank you again for all the support,im doing way better ,was on holidays ,from my work for 8 days ,was so busy crazy busy.
      I have totally gotten over my exculated depression from banning
      And the long weekened is past that was really hard on me.
      On friday the kids put an offer in on a townhouse,joined effort and well it was excepted,just waiting for the final approval of financing from the bank sometime this week.
      Im so afraid my son will be denied they say he qualifies ,but just.
      You see i made him go bankcrupt ,and he is only 26 months into his discharge,he said to me i sure hope i dont get screwed again.
      AGH ,my stomach sank ,im not so sure how i will handle it if he is denied the quilt will kill me.
      But if they do get it guess im moving,as i can not afford to live on my own,nor do i have the credit to even get utilities in my own name.
      This means i will have to discard all of my belongings but a few odds and ends and clothes.
      Trying and crying over this one ,but like all changes im sure time will heal it.
      Took hubby out for a 2 hour walk tonight in his wheel chair nice ,fed him outside and when we put him back to bed ,they changed him and i noticed his bum was beat red,grrrrrrrr,sore sore ,i check him everyday for breakdown,so this happened like yesterday ,applied some cream i had ,but now i work in am the guilt is on the surface.
      All of this just wears me out,and no matter how i try to make things okay ,im always blamming it all on me ,cause of the gambling,if i hadnt gambled etc .
      So every once in awhile i get really depressed and i really need to shut my life down ,and it helps me.
      Time is so far my best healer for anything,and this to shall pass i always try to remember ,but somedays it said more like and this too shall pass,WHEN when im six feet under,lol
      Tomorrow i will go to work i do not feel refreshed ,im feeling the stress in me rising tonight,the go go go will all be back .
      This life i guess ,and i should be grateful i have job.
      So as long as thing stay on an bit if an even keel ,i will keep my head above it all.fingers crossed.
      Again thank you for listening to me.

    • #24965
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine, I think us mothers beat ourselves up constantly , and not just the gambling ones of us.
      I feel guilty if my son does poorly in an exam because I did not apply some pressure. I feel guilty if he is low because I am applying too much pressure. It’s always guilt!!
      I think our gambling, and the shame we carry with us means we feel guilty for those things completely outside our control also..we find it hard to accept that sometimes our best is good enough.

      I’m so glad you are back posting. The house move sounds like a great fresh new start. Having less stuff can often feel like less of a burden.
      I will be praying your sons finances work out.
      Its onwards and upwards Lorraine!

    • #24966
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well got an update email my son did today,they are requesting all the paper wor regarding the details of bankrupcty,Im numb inside my stomach went into immediate shards of glass ,the fella said ,this doesnt look good ,your bank account shows money being put onto a gambling site,AL MINE ,he does not gamble but unfortunatly it looks like he is the one with the gambling problem not me.
      He sent all the info to the fella ,but he said this does not look good.numb iam just numb i feel like my soul is in hold .
      called in sick to work for tomorrow,i just cant do this anymore .
      I fear for my sons well being too over this .
      I wanna run away for the sake of others i do.those who could run from me did years ago .

    • #24967
      vera
      Participant

      VERY stressful Lorraine.
      You will have to come clean and say YOU are the culprit not your son.
      Again, one for the Legal Eagles, methinks!
      Gambling is a serious disorder. So many people are ignorant of the real consequences.
      Has your son spoken to you about the email? Keep communication open with him. Lorraine. There HAS to be a solution. You are not the first to use other’s bank cards to gamble and you won’t be the last.
      Come clean.
      Truth always wins in the end.

    • #24968
      lorraine
      Participant

      I told my son let me talk to the lenders i will sighn anything to say it was me,
      Communication is a little short right now.
      And well not so sure my daughter is going to handle it well either,if they get that mortgage,it will be a miracle.
      I dont agree actually with telling the truth to any one about your gambling addiction unless it is close family or friends.
      If the legal world gets wind or a bank your in for a world of pain beyond your wildest imagination.
      And this will follow you forever there will be no forgiveness from these people.

    • #24969
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine my friend I know you dont want to hear it………………but it will all be ok in the end, we do many bad things when gambling but we are not bad people always remember that.

      Take care my friend and will always wish you well.

      Maverick

    • #24970
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well on friday realtor said lender and the insurer have agreed to allow the mortgage to be approved,so we went ahead with the house inspection,it went well ,they sent report off friday night,so monday or tues we will hear their final descision,but looks very promising on friday.
      And sister moved out ,she hasnt been here for over a month she has been staying with her ex for transportation reasons.
      So she decided it was okat to short me on the rent,again,hmmm she said hears the hundred i owe you and half the rent ,huh im thinking you still owe me 225. from monnths ago but i never said a word,
      When she was leaving she asked are you okay with that i said not really makes me short now ,and i will have to borrow and now i have a debt ,your gambling trips just became my gambling debt ,funny how that works hey.
      She says dont get upset i have it i will bring it to you tomorrow but right now i have to get my pedicure done ,WTF that hurt,she smiles and walked away and yup you guessed it she never came,
      So told son he said thats okay ,and you know what we are now so close to being addictions free in this house now.No more stress every months end with her and her son fighting over money.That always upset me.
      No more 12 hour days of watching real life murder shows ,that was probably the worst part of her living here.My tv has been off all but maybe 2 hours since she left.
      I will miss her cleaning omg was so nice to come home and it was all done.
      She is heading for a huge financial fall real soon ,her and her ex gamble alot.but both are in a kinda i think i can still lie my way out of what is really happening.But they cant fool a gambler nor my kids. I know there going to get worse before better.I just hope neither ask to borrow money over the amount of 20 dollars i WILL not fund there casino trips.
      If we get thouse we will be living 2 blocks away from each other lol but no key will be shared.
      Will be hard some up comming days im sure as i used to confide to her as she knew all my secrets,all of them.
      Changes iam never comfy with,but as look at the empty space beside me where she used to sit ,im okay with that.
      Thanks for listening ,still crossing fingers for my kids ,night

    • #24971
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well my kids got the house,but i can tell you my stress level was so high i was not able to function ,we gave notice to move without really knowing they got it,i was so afraid we were going to be living in a motel .
      The min i found out they got it,i burst into tears ,i knew i was in trouble heading for a break down,big time,callled in sick to work earlier cause i just knew i was not well.
      This house buying rehashed up alot of ugly old memories of our days when i was loosing our house to gambling,i was froze unable to function.
      My emotions were numb,all my senses were on high alert,that is a very very exhausting way to live and be.
      And this addiction was comming for me again,not to gamble but to take the debt my sanity still owes.
      After i calmed down a bit ,i had to let out this stress so i start a cleaning and sorting frenzy ,for about 3 hours this helped alot,and as i sat to have my coffee ,my addiction just had join me ,my thoughts remembered ,Oh yah even my damage deposit i gave has a gambling memory,you see i lied to a friend to get it ,and she willing gave it to me,took me months to repay her ,but i did plus extra.And i told her the truth.
      So on a positive note today,when i get my damage deposit back this time that will close another chapter of my past.
      Came home from work on the 1st to find sister had came back and packed all her stuff,i cried i did,set me back a bit,as i know that was her way of saying im done i dont owe you anything.
      My sister has always managed to come out smelling like roses through life no one seems to be able to see the real her,sad but my sister is an addict and even i didnt really know how bad till we lived together.
      But this time it really hurt cause i feel like we were just the dirt she was able to grow in till she didnt need us anymore.
      The phone rang it was for her,I said sorry she doesnt live here anymore! Boy that felt good ,hah small pay back ,and thats the Leo in me .
      Any way im going to be soooooo busy we move in 19 days,
      When the dust settles i hope that by leaving here i will be able to leave more of my past here ,as this is the place we had to move to.
      Since the day i moved here i literally walked in the door and sat on the couch and that is where all my will and desires or insterest stopped,and that is from depression ,not one day has not gone by where i have had a different view or feeling .
      Depression is just another reality of gambling,they say the financial end can pick up itself rather quickly well for some yah but for others maybe not.
      But i can tell you the mental banckruptcy is a million times harder.
      Im still scared i will not be able to fight this depression,but i do know i will have a different view past these walls of omg what did i do.
      Hugs to all ,thanks for listening.

    • #24972
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well the seller produced at the last hours a 95 page report on the complex reguarding the balconies ,yah soon after we took possession we would of been slapped with a 20 plus thousand dollar repair job.So we declined the place.
      Daughters landlord took back her notice ,will try today to get mine back but i dont think so.So stuff in storage.life in storage .Not doing well at all.

    • #24973
      p
      Participant

      Hang in there Lorraine, there are so many challenges in life but you are getting through. Not gambling, and challenged, that is strength. Things will settle it will take time.. something else will come up

      P

    • #24974
      lorraine
      Participant

      Phew now i can relax ,your right p just hard to think clearly when your so stressed.:) thanks for listening to me

    • #24975
      Liberty
      Participant

      How are you doing? I hope there has been an improvement for you with the housing situation.
      You have had so much to cope with Lorraine and still you keep on trying, that takes such great courage and character, you should be proud of all you are doing to change your life.

    • #24976
      p
      Participant

      How are you doing Lorraine.. whats happening in your world today, hope you are well

      P

    • #24977
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine, How have things been? looking forward to an update from you

    • #24978
      p
      Participant

      Hows things Lorraine? I hope life is going well for you at the moment

      P

    • #24979
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well i got back my notice son convinced me to ask and the landlord said okay ,very nice of him.Still in same place we have looked a and put offers in 6 places ,but hasnt worked out,we are putting an offer in this week on another place ,a lot higher on the budget and nicer.
      But will not give my notice here till keys are in kids hands.
      Im officially off my anxiety pills ,things are really messed up for me mentally right now,that was the only thing in my life that told me everyhing is going to be okay.
      Im on holidays right now needed them,im still gambling online ,at the exspense of my son and daughters future,nothing seems to register the consequences in my brain,someone posted somewhere that a similar situation was described as emotional abuse ,Poof omg it is .that really hit home.
      Is it to late i dont know ,crossing fingers they dont flag son permantley as a risk for gambling ,iam sick in the head i must be to think the world is that forgiving a second time.
      It is not a financial burden my gambling as it is controlled but it is that it shows the transaction comming out of sons account.
      But as i write this he is at the gym ,when he comes home i will TELL him CLOSE it for good .
      Cause if you dont that sight may very well take my life or even scarier yours .
      That is the reality of this addiction.
      Just how far is to far no one really knows where their final bottom looks like.
      But on a death certificate the truth will be written Suicide ,and not one word will be mentioned the reason why .
      I know my emotions are strong right now because im naked without meds,but this is maybe what i need to feel it .
      Sorry for always comming here and being miserable and sad .
      Sometimes life is hard ,sometimes life is fun,sometimes like is boring,sometimes life is painful sometimes life is just that LIFE .One day i hope to be okay with that .
      No iam not suicidal so forget that idea ,i still got alot of fight left in me.But will try to redirect that energy to a more positive use.
      Hugs to all who read this.
      And if your struggling and cant see the bottom look up!

    • #24980
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi Lorraine, what an honest post.. you don’t need to apologise for anything you write on your thread..because it is your record of your recovery…
      Speaking of which is gambling ever really „controlled” for us compulsive gamblers? ..can we walk away and never gamble again if we chose..just like that?
      I hope it all works out with the house..moving is very stressful but you seem to be coping with it….without your meds too..
      keep strong Lorraine

    • #24981
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well the kids got there house ,one more hurdle left lawyers to sighn final papers and keys next friday.
      Im having a hard time excepting this move,as it had drummed up some old memories that were never really gone,i lost our last house to gambling,and all the fears came back,not dealing well with that at all.
      Had to seek help for it ,so seeing my old counsler again .
      This is how a gamblers mind that has been broken works.
      As went through the last three houses to look at them ,they all have garages ,well everyone goes upstairs i lag behind to look up at the ceiling in the garage for places a person could possibly hang themselves ,nuts i know ,but that is my fear that i will gamble and cause more pain and heartache in my
      kids life .
      I told counsler i cannot live with the fear of comming home again ,when i really was in deep gambling i was always so afraid to come home.
      I thought i lost that feeling but today i realized i actually never lost it,i still rush home after work to catch the mail before they do,i drive in an always glance at my door for a note or letter taped to the front door.
      Sometimes landlord leaves a letter for the complex sticking out so we dont miss it ,well i tell you if i see a white paper of any kind i imediatly go back years ,butterflies in my stomach and i brace myself ,oh dear god now what.
      I told her i will be always now pulling up and staring at a closed garage door afraid to open it,
      Damages are deep in our home,to lessen them as time passes has helped,but wow to the surface they come fast.
      Flooding me with horrible horrible panic .
      Im thinking this house must be gamble free .
      So we can once again live pain free.
      He wouldnt close the account,as he didnt want to be apart of the self exclusion program he is not a problem gambler.i understand i said.
      I did ask him one more time to put money on it for me,he did,was a long weekened all leaving me for 3 days ,i guess i just needed a friend for the weekened,
      Have not asked again ,and the fear in me is so raw right now,im terrified to touch this new houses key,afraid i will once again have to drive down and road and roll down my window with tears in my eyes and throw that key as far as i could out the window as i drive away leaving it behind,
      Gambling has given me so many bad memories ,and changed me forever ,i try and i do see old parts of me comming back,but i still dont have the mental strength to be consistant with it.Just yet
      So some days i can do a budget,i can be content with just being me,but other days i just cant seem to cope.
      I struggle with still trying to hide my past and that has proven to be socially damaging for me.
      Im already afraid to get to know the new neighbours ,dont want to have to tell lies,cause when i do that ,when im alone it makes me sad.
      And sometimes angry.
      Im a compulsive liar too,gambling taught me that,but now i lie to keep me and my family safe but for the right reasons.
      One day i started gambling , maybe One day i wont have to lie any more.
      Recovery i struggled with,it sucked for me,never ever saw the wow this is a great day.
      To busy holding down the past.
      Our new home i pray will be nothing but beautiful memories for us.
      And by me asking for help again tells me ,im scared ,and i know my kids dont have the strength to carry me forever .
      I have become a ball and chain to them and i feel really bad for that,but ive truly been blessed with the most forgiving children ,proud of them for that.
      And for those who made it to here to read this Please reach out and seek help ,dont wait till you have to write a post like this .
      Night be good k

    • #24982
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Thanks Lorraine for your post. It was raw, true, and honest. I hope that you find peace in your life! It took awhile for me to forgive myself and let the past go. It is the only way that I could be free. I pray that one day you can be free!

    • #24983
      vera
      Participant

      I wish you peace and a gamble free future in your new home Lorraine.
      Leave all the old memories behind. This will be a new start for you. Never lose hope for a better future. We all make mistakes. The past cannot be changed so try to concentrate on your New Life one day at a time.

    • #24984
      p
      Participant

      I hope your new home brings you a fresh beginning. We have all made a mess of things with gambling that’s why we are here. The thing you can change is today. The past is gone, the serenity prayer is useful. Sometimes I repeat it over and over and really think about what those words mean.
      This is a start, a new place, make it a new gamble free home for a new gamble free life. All the best Lorraine, keep posting

      P

    • #24985
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      Well done on posting.

      „…….me asking for help again tells me ,im scared ……..”

      I’m sure it does, what it also tells me though is that you are starting to use support that will help you. I’d say that is a good thing 🙂 There is no need for any of us to try and tackle things on our own, it’s really important to use the support we have available and it’s great to see that you are.

      Hopefully see you in a group here soon.

    • #24986
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thank you for your posts all of you ,i just want to say weve moved ,still a ton of work to do,but for over a the last few weeks before the move ,i was so scared that this was just a trick,and that some how some way my past was lurking in the back ground to ruin it all,as it is not just my past but sons too.
      Well we are in here now ,but i still feel like i need to look over my shoulders as i close the door.still going back to old place for odds and ends,check mail and what not,when i walk through those doors the SMELL omg i destroyed the place thanks to my depression ,im now banned to the great outdoors to smoke and i have been trying really hard to maintain a normal life but been only a few days im afraid of the crash i will have,Will the fun like a new toy ware off and i will not want to play any more and the depression ,creep back in ,i can feel it its there but last few days i have been so distracted and busy ,it only creeps up in little place like looking out a window briefly i will get a overwhelming feeling of sadness.
      But this place is a positive new start and will need a few months perhaps to see hey we made it.
      Well kids did anyway,i just came along for the ride 🙂
      Sunny day today,tons to do .thanks for listening.

    • #24987
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine, well done on getting your new house. A new beginning for you and your family. Well done. Enjoy that sunshine.

    • #24988
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      How are you geting on in your new home?

    • #24989
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well if i had to pick a place to land i would still choose this place,i was right i knew i could feel it,the depression came with me,finished my last anxiety class on friday, weeks,and the lady said she would c lose my file,and if i ever wanted to take more classes i would have to reapply all over ugh.Everyone else got told a follow up with them in a few weeks ,but for me when it was my turn we all could hear what was being said i expect the same talk ,but no i was the only one whose file was closed? Oh well back to square one i guess.I went to a GA meeting last night,took alot of self talk to get me there but i did it,as i walk to the door a group of ladies were chatting,and one i had chummed shortly with in the past from GA i see her i got kinda ready for a hello ,but as our eyes met she averted her eyes and looked away,i was kinda shocked and for sure hurt,but i kept going in ,she had to sit near me one seat right next to me or one over she chose the one over.I knew then she did not want to associate with me.And so i never tried again,whats the point.
      I never got to share meeting ran out of time,but that was okay,my stories no different then any one else there really,as i stood to leave i left without one goodbye,not any different from any other meeting there for me.
      Now the difference is i told myself all day lower your expections of GA to zero, and then when thats all the unity you get or support ,then you will have no reason to let it get to you,still hurt still feel stupid for trying again still felt alone ,but today as much as i try im so depressed and feel very much like i have been left for dead.LOL maybe just maybe thats how iam meant to ride out my recovery alone and weary day after day,punishment,after all i made this hell now i have to live it.
      New address maybe ,new phone number maybe,new me NEVER .

    • #24990
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Good for you attending the GA meeting. People are strange. Sorry that you didn’t feel any support. Are there any other GA meetings you could attend with different people? I had to find another meeting as the first place I went to (a church) the people were rude and standoffish. Be proud of yourself for going! Hang in there. You have access to the groups here and you have our support. Take care.

    • #24991
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well back on stress leave for a month
      Job on the line ,will find out today.
      Still waiting for that happy friggen day,so much negativity around me ,and there is nothing i can do to change that,just so tired i really am.
      Oh well just another day i guess.

    • #24992
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well they finally called me back and for now im okay for my job,but when i return in a month ,i will have to attend an investegation meeting.worry until then.but at least i can function a bit now .Worry is so hard.

    • #24993
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi, Sorry that you are under so much stress and worry. I hope this will be over for you soon so you can move forward. Take care.

    • #24994
      lorraine
      Participant

      I just need to vent,in 20 days my banning ends.
      I have an appt with counsler on Nov 2 nd to rebann said she could do it from here office,i smiled and said thanks i would like that,thinking and feeling a little more private.
      Well she knows im going for one day to the casino ,i need to be me for at least one day every six months.
      Well im feeling so much pressure ,she said okay i will set up an appt with casino ? omg is this now a friggen three way group conversation,i cant do this ,when i rebann im doing all i can to hold it all in,last thing i need is a three ring circus with electronics.
      For days after i rebann i suffer in silence ,depression is high now not so sure im strong enough to pull it together in just a few days this time.
      I know she will not be to interested to see me after that,and in everyone of my meetings with her she yawns ever so politley but tells me i was not being heard ,all she hears is me rambling.
      I know she cant help me ,she told me that herself,but i continued to go as i was in a very very bad way.
      She did help me felt so good to puke it all out.
      I feel like my world once again is closing .
      The doc not mine dont have one,wrote on my medical work form a whole lot of mental health issues and ticked all the boxes moderatly,choices from slighty yup right to severe,so moderatly ,but im only sighned off work for a month ,now she recognized i was stressed and felt medically trained enough to tick those boxes,but never once offered any form of help to me,like say whos helping you with this ,do you have any support ?
      So now in the next two weeks lol is she going to be as medically lazy once again to miracoulsy ticked im healed.
      I will go back to work i have no choice,my bag of life is full but so is everyones,
      Work will use that info against me,forever ,now i feel even more stressed ,this faking to make it is so hard.
      Yesterday i watched the fall leaves fall for a long long time,
      started to compare a humans purpose in life to a leafs .
      just venting

    • #24995
      charles
      Moderator

      Lorraine, I don’t know how the timeline goes each year but is the suffering you go through after each rebann solely down the the rebann? Or maybe partly due to the loss/aftermath of your 6 monthly visit?

      Is that a possibility?

      I’m glad you enjoyed watching those leaves, the little things in life are important. I love watching the birs in the garden and the squirrel raiding the feeders as he stocks up for winter.

    • #24996
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine I hope you are ok, this addiction baffles me……I hate what I have done because of it but for some reason always go back to it……….at times I am at a complete loss.

      Sounds like you have been having a rough ride off it, just wanted to let you know I was thinking off you and wishing you well.

      Take care Lorraine and never give up hope.

      Maverick (Lee)

    • #24997
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well it feels like does to me,every minute feels like hours,im exhausted from the time i awake to the time i go to bed.
      Back on stress leave,work has been a horrible horrible stressful place for me to be,they want me gone,union guy told me.
      Was given a few days to think about it,what i wanted to do,he said basically they want to pay me out.
      But been almost 2 weeks and no communication from anyone,needless to say im at my wits end.
      So today i was ask from the compensation board to provide back 5 years in chronological order all DR.s and medical professionals includong counlsers with numbers and addresses,YIKES omg i just panicked ,omg im so afraid they will find out about my Gambling .
      So now i dont want to continue with this ,between my work bullying me,all i ever wanted was an outsider to come in and help me.But i should of known any insurance company that is going to pay your wages is for sure going to try and find anything on you in order not to pay,
      I cannot run the risk of anyone knowing about my gambling.
      All i want is someone on my side for once,but instead i get only people with their own adgendas,
      I think im going to be jobless very soon,days away.
      Kids dont know my second biggest secret ever since gambling.
      Scared to death to tell them,that their mom is so hated at her job that they even told her the sight of her eyes is enough or could be grounds for dismissal.
      So more lies they never end do they,
      The past is maybe not the past yet at all ,maybe im still falling from the first time.
      Im tired of trying ,i really for the life of me cannot see a happy ending at all.
      A New Year is even a scarier thought for me.
      Im just yaking aloud here cause im holding it all in .
      Had a earthquake here last night ,went out side after for a smoke,wasnt even scared ,went right back to bed and said ,Its okay God you can take me im ready,and fell back to sleep no problem at all.
      Need that happy day soon.
      Hope any one who reads this has a very wonderful New Year i do.take care all

    • #24998
      lorraine
      Participant

      I know people loose their job i do,but well iam 54 and have a very worn body,not much chance of getting a new job.
      And yes i have to allow my work access to my medical records too have to sighn a paper for that,if i dont claim will be denied,and to be honest no money also means more then No money,No gambling ,it also means no money no anything.
      My kids will be supportive ,but will cause huge stress and worries in the house.
      And no my attendance is not the problem,they actually showed union guy he says about 15 sighned letters from co-workers with complaints about me,funny how they just appear out of no where after 15 years with not one letter against me.to 15 and all just since new management came in?
      Im a long term employee ,and it is just my time to go ,they do it to all the long term people,we cost to much.
      But prove it,they are a ruthless company.
      Actually the union fella we have had for a few years i was told is leaving and we are getting a new one in the new year,apparently that is done every few years withing the union,but im thinking the new one will be even more busy,but maybe this new one will have a little more patients.
      I went into work this am to pick up some papers my nerves did not like it,
      So i do feel i made the right choice for me,to continue on stress leave .
      So early here and im already to go back to bed ,had enough of this day already.
      Stress wow it is powerfully painful ,mentally and physically.
      But again im not the only one in this world with stress everyone gets stressed .
      Take care Sad and thank you for your kind words.

    • #24999
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine my friend, I dont know what to say but felt I had to reply to your pain……….when reading the last part of your post „Its okay God you can take me I’m ready” it brought tears to my eyes and thats the honest truth, how can things if life get that bad that we are ready to depart from the world willingly!!!

      I have known you for a while Lorraine and you are a very good friend, life can be so very hard at times what with one thing and another and I know you have had more than your fair share of trouble, Lorraine this time my words of comfort I am sure will not be enough so I have searched long and hard, thinking how I can lift you my friend and I came up with this……….

      When your day is long and the night
      The night is yours alone
      When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
      Don’t let yourself go
      Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

      Sometimes everything is wrong
      Now it’s time to sing along
      When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
      If you feel like letting go (hold on)
      When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on

      Everybody hurts
      Take comfort in your friends
      Everybody hurts
      Don’t throw your hand Oh, no
      Don’t throw your hand
      If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

      If you’re on your own in this life
      The days and nights are long
      When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

      Well, everybody hurts sometimes
      Everybody cries
      And everybody hurts sometimes
      And everybody hurts sometimes
      So, hold on, hold on
      Hold on, hold on
      Hold on, hold on
      (Hold on, hold on)

      Everybody hurts
      You are not alone………………………I am your friend Lorraine so take comfort in me……………..

      I also know God is a very good friend of mine although I do **** him off at times (not intentionally) and you know what…….I honestly believe when our time is up its up…..just for today God still wants you in this world and from what I can see quite rightly so………………

      Everybody hurts sometimes………………………..
      Stay strong Lorraine, dig deep and find just a little bit more…….I hate new years, always have, always will its just the way I am………..but tomorrow is a new year and who knows what it might hold for us……….all I can really say is I am glad that this year is nearly over and perhaps we can look forward to a new one………..after all it can’t be any worse…….can it…………..in truth life is what we make it, I have had a really rough year and thats putting the gambling to one side I just mean health wise and at times I have been so down, depressed, distraught, just before I went in for an operation in June I spoke to my wife and kids in a way that I might not ever see them again and that was a distinct possibility but in truth we can say that about everyday because we just never know what is going to happen to us or anyone.

      Lorraine you are lovely person, a wonderful women, a very good friend and someone I have had the pleasure to share with for many years, you say it how it is and thats exactly how it should be said.

      Always keep fighting and when you haven’t got the energy to fight then just rest……………while resting you are still fighting but just dont know it.

      Happy new year Loraine and lets hope its a good one for us…….I have to be honest I have a good feeling.

      If I could leave you now with a one liner it would be „listen to your heart and do whatever it tells you”

      Take care my friend and will speak very soon.

      Love from a true friend

      Lee

    • #25000
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      I am sorry to hear of your current pain but am pleased to see the supportive replies you have already had. You can get through this Lorraine, whatever happens. Keep using all the support you have available to you.

      Something I read somewhere once:
      „If it’s not a happy ending then it doesn’t have to be the ending”

      Keep fighting, keep focussed on your recovery and using the support you have and you will get to a better place.

    • #25001
      p
      Participant

      Hi i am so sorry to hear of all the stress you are going through, i do find the serenity prayer helps me in a lot of situations, sometimes i say it over and over. Hang in there Lorraine and i am wishing you the best for a better year this year.

      P

    • #25002
      lorraine
      Participant

      Well went to doc cause work requires a form to be filled out,it is time sensitive i have a week to fill it out or termination happens.been through this once already and managed to get it in time,wasnt aware i needed it last time,but this time iam,i got the papers no doubt in my mind i would get it sighned.
      But nope went today and receptionist said i cant see my doc till jan14 th,i tried to tell her ,but she was not hearing me,she just kept saying cause it is under wcb i cannot see a doc for 2 weeks in between visits.
      So now im going to be terminated,and all i feel is extreme guilt and shelfishness for thinking i was deserving of getting help.
      Why is it the hands that are there to help you only hurt you.
      And money is more important then a person,silly me for being shocked by that,but it kinda hurts you know.
      I have to laugh i do.
      A referal was sent in on my behalf to see a phsyciatrist for help but lmao ,nothing left to help or save if i loose my job because a doctor was afraid she would not be paid.
      Shame on the canadian medical system.
      And shame on me for being so selfish once again.
      To much i tell yah,oh well at least i can say i tried.

    • #25003
      vera
      Participant

      Notify your Union about the refusal of the doctor’s receptionist to give you the medical appointment. Lorraine. Why not make a private appointment and when the bill comes, let them wait for payment until you get Redundancy pay. If they dismiss you, they will have to compensate you, won’t they? Play the game their way. Keep a step ahead!

    • #25004
      charles
      Moderator

      I agree with Vera Lorraine, talk to your Union, talk to your employer and let them know that it’s your Dr who can’t meet their deadline.

    • #25005
      lorraine
      Participant

      Called the clinic and the doc i need called in sick for today,so that solves that,but the insurance company called the clinic to say ,That they would not even consider to cover me for a phsychiatrst appt.And the fact that the clinic refused to see me based on payment is nonesense,and the fact is i dont even have a claim yet she said.
      And one boss is off till wed and union fella off till the 8th .
      Oh the great unknown .But at least the receptionist listened to me,and i will try again on wed for the form.

    • #25006
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine I am really sorry to hear you are having such a tough time at the moment and just wanted to say I am thinking about you, I honestly hope you can get everything sorted one way or another, there is so much stress in life at times and if we are not careful it can bring us down, stay strong Lorraine and wish you all the very best as I always will, speak soon and take care of yourself.

      Maverick

    • #25007
      p
      Participant

      All the best, i am hoping it works out different than what you are thinking, you never know you may not be losing the job

      P

    • #25008
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Lorraine, I willl be thinking of you. I hope that you don’t lose your job! Take care.

    • #25009
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thank you for listening to me and well wishes,
      I did get the medial formed sighned,off for anot.her month.
      Now im thinking why i havent heard anything from work is they dont act unless there is a union rep present,hmm okay he is back on Mon.
      So if my job is still proceeding with firing me,i guess i should hear in the next week.
      But anyway in the meantime i have full filled all there requirements for being off work .
      Now i wait to see how it all unfolds,but thank goodness im getting to watch it all unfold from a distance.
      Easier that way,then being at work sacred every minute i might breath the wrong way.
      Take care all,thanks for all the support.

    • #25010
      vera
      Participant

      Glad you got the medical cert, Lorraine.
      Stay on the Payroll. Let your employers come up with suggestions and offers. They can’t dispense with staff without referring to contracts. Terms and Conditions will be taken into account. Keep your Union updated and record everything.
      Good luck!

    • #25011
      p
      Participant

      Sometimes we expect the worst and sometimes the worst doesn’t end up happening. Deal with it if it happens, if you lose your job, as its not definite yet is it?
      Maybe they won’t fire you and all the worry will be for nothing, if they do i think you were hating being there too.. see what happens. I hope it all works out for the best whatever way it works out, i have loved chatting to you over the years at various sites, see what comes lorraine, just wait and see.. you are worth it

      P

    • #25012
      maverick.
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine, just wanted to drop in and see how you are doing, really hope you are keeping well and I hope things are getting better, you are a wonderful person Lorraine and I miss not sharing with you more, I haven’t been around that much recently for one reason or another but anyway I hope this finds you well, take care of yourself and keep fighting, hope that fence is getting a hard time, speak soon my friend.

      Maverick

    • #25013
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thank you all for your support long time good friends you all are.
      I share alot of my fears and worries hear more then face to face.
      I did manage to speak and got excepted for a mental health appt to see a Dr.for a one time visit only,this does not include and follow up treatment in any way,but rather more to get me clearance to go back to work.
      On feb 10 my stepdad around noon disapeared ,search and rescue and all the emergency help in a two day search for him.But he was not found,search is called off ,but officer said they will call in a cadaiviar dog.
      We have been at my moms side ever since.
      The unknown is so hard.He for months had been talking of suicide .
      Mom said she has not left his side since July not for one day,but on the 10th she had to go to a meeting in town,she convinced him to stay home tellling him he would be more comfy at home.he agreed.But when she returned he was not there.
      Im so sad for her.she needs closure .and yah so do we.
      Wish he left a note .even a sentence.
      So needless to say any healing on my time off is now officially gone,my nerves are shot.My depression is falling hard on me ,cause i can feel my moms pain so badly.
      We are all pulling together as a family right now.wich is really nice to see.
      Say a prayer for Don that he is not suffering somewhere.
      thank you once again for listening.

    • #25014
      vera
      Participant

      Good to hear you are all „pulling together as a family” in this difficult situation, Lorraine.
      Your step dad is in my prayers.
      Gambling won’t solve anything. You know that!

    • #25015
      lorraine
      Participant

      Thank you vera for your prayers
      Still no word on his where abouts,will be week today.i cant believe that,feels like a day or two ago it happened.
      Mom is struggling to be alone a night,had to go to her neighbors last night.we offered to go get her but she said no .
      She has stayed alone many times before ,but i guess this alone is a different alone.
      Anyway thats about it,seeing the nut doc today,man or lady i dont know,that is causing me a bit of stress crossing fingers for a lady.
      take care

    • #25016
      lorraine
      Participant

      Its been a month since my stepdad disappeared.
      As apart of the investigation the police,checked the phone for calls in or out,none,they checked his computer ,nothing.
      So mom has been putting things to update them like her will and finding out where she will stand financially.
      She is on top of all of that thank goodness.
      She went to her doc and got some pills to help her relax.
      But we all know that is not enough,more changes in the future.
      I saw the doc he wrote about a 6 page report wich i have not read ,but part of me would like to read it to learn from it,but the other part of me says Who gives a dam what he thinks.
      Im back to work on the 20 th,nothing has changed for me,but the time off has really helped in passing the time to make things alot more in my face.
      I have been sewing quilt squares from all our scraps,a simple box looked like a breeze to get through,but wow it is amazing how much is in that box on my 3 rd quilt and still not even half gone.
      That has proven to be my most relaxing thing i have done in years.
      No pressure to get it right just sew.
      Hubbys got a cold ,feel sorry for him,and when he is sick it really brings out the guilt in me.
      Called him my little booger head lol.
      Anyway my gambling is still a small issue,dabble here and there,but less and less each day.
      Not huge progress, but still progress.
      Been telling myself its not your to take.
      And to be honest not much in this life is mine to take anymore.
      But iam okay with that.
      Take care ,and thanks for the support and letting me vent .

    • #25017
      vera
      Participant

      Not sounding good for your stepdad, is it Lorraine?
      Still, you never know. Glad your mam is coping.
      Just want to let you know, I had a text from my son, apologising for his silence.
      Oh, and by the way I’m glad to hear you’re gambling less and less because for a CG, gambling is never a „small issue”. Just sayin’!

    • #25018
      lorraine
      Participant

      Wow that is good news for you ,i can imagine you feel a whole lot better now.
      Did you ask him to keep in touch.
      Not so sure if a parent ever can not worry about their children.

    • #25019
      p
      Participant

      Im hoping that you hear some news of your father in law soon. It must be so unsettling.
      Well done, on being honest about your gambling, and even though you are still doing it sometimes the damage is less. that just amazes me.. well done on sharing and improving.

      P

    • #25020
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine my friend I will always wish you well, so sorry you are having a tough time at present, all you can do is what you are doing supporting your mum and being there for her, look after yourself Lorraine and I promise to catch up with you very soon.

      Take care and I send my very best to you.

      Maverick

    • #25021
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      When we have spoken previously I promised a reminder so here it is. I hope you manage to play the tape forward in your head and get that ban extended before it actually runs out. keep posting and stay strong, one day at a time.

    • #25022
      lorraine
      Participant

      Like i told Mav,
      8 more day,all i can do is pray i think with my head not my ass.
      On my own ,just me myself and I
      Dont really stand a chance.
      I have tried and tried to get face to face support,but over the years ,i have been unable.
      Sometimes i have to wonder where i would of been in recovery compared to today if only i had a sponser.
      Or even just a live line person to call.
      But i dont and well the same HP i ask for strength is the same one i ask for luck.

      So you see the HP thing cant work cause left alone me and my HP will not stand a chance.

      I will reban i will ,lock me back up.
      One day true recovery will come.
      Take care thanks again ,and thank you for remembering me.
      Lorraine

    • #25023
      lorraine
      Participant

      Been a long time since i posted here,i have since as i said rebanned.
      I also decided it was in my best interest to stop saying im in recovery ,because Im recovered as well as best as i ever will.
      In the bigger picture Im still alive,is an amazing huge leap of recovery that i could ever hope for.
      That has been just as big of a struggle as stopping gambling.
      For years and years now i struggled with depression,running from corner to corner ,person to person ,day after day,with the hope that i would find a good recovery friend,wether be medical professional or just a friend.
      Never happened it was becomming more and more clear how this was causing me more damage.
      So i stopped looking and admitted defeat this is it.
      This is as far as i can go.Not really surprised kinda like the life i ran to escape from.
      Its my life ,im broken ,im tired,im happy ,im sad,im lost ,im healing,im changing,im growing,im lonley,but that is life right.
      Take it all as it come and goes.But take it alone.
      Today i popped into say hi to someone here,nice afternoon thought hey theres a friendly face.
      But to my surprise after a nice hello usual greeting I was asked to leave.
      Said it was an official new persons group.I know im not new,and perhaps we oldtimers are not so good for new people.Either way i just wanted to say it hurt be really bad,closed my computer and pounded in my head see how fast you forget that you dont belong in recovery any more
      Biggest struggle i will face is learning how to stare my reality in the face,through shattered dreams .reality is quite possibly going to be one hell of silent world for me.
      Have to be okay with that after all i made it.
      Sorry for venting ,wish all of you a wonderful recovery ride the ride as long as you can ,but remember reality awaits sooner or later we all stand alone.

    • #25024
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine,

      The group that is currently open is also a new members group but then I’m here for another two consequtive groups.

      Hopefully I will see you in one of them.

      After tonight keep your eye on the group schedule as I am on vacation fro two weeks. Monique is back from her vacation next week and her and my colleague’s groups will still be running of course.

      Hopefully see you soon.

    • #25025
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine,

      It’s always good to see you around my friend and I love reading your honest posts, I know what you are trying to say I promise I do, sometimes at that precise moment in time you just need a little support and unfortunately that wasn’t the right place at the right time. I have heard that phrase „the right place at the right time” many many times over my years and at first thought I don’t think I have been in the right place at the right time ever………….but now when I come to think of it I have……….many many times, I am still alive for one thing (that wouldn’t be the case if I hadn’t been in the right place at the right time) anyway I don’t want to ramble on Lorraine just wanted to share with you and wish you all my very best, you are a wonderful person who I am so very happy to know, look after yourself and stay safe K, always remember you can kick my fence anytime!

      „I always remember when I am in the wrong place at the wrong time but very rarely remember when I am in the right place at the right time”

      Maverick

    • #25026
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine, I hope we hear an update from you soon, either here in the forum or in the groups.

      You don’t have to do this on your own. In fact if on our own worked then i doubt we would have the problem in the first place. Hope to hear from you soon.

    • #25027
      lorraine
      Participant

      Hi ,just needed to say i went to two GA meetings once again ,in the hopes of finding face to face support,but nope .so feeling super stupid right now.cant go to another before my banning ends.
      Yup its that time again.they say if nothing changes nothing changes ,well nothings changed to be honest,day after day ,year after year.
      They say gambling takes lives ,well it took mine a long time ago.
      Yet again alone i my head my thoughts are not so good,thinking this dam addiction better hurry up and kill me.
      Cause this endless addiction i have for seeking face to face support is equeally taking its toll on me.
      Im a many things in this life ,and a different person to many.
      But when i wake up im always the same person to me.
      Do i like me .hell no.so how the heck should i expect others too.
      Please dont respond to this it will only hurt more.
      running running running God make it stop!

    • #25028
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine, well done on posting.

      If nothing changes nothing changes? True, so the thing you can change this year is to refresh that ban before it expires.

      God won’t make it stop, but he has given you an option to take to help yourself stop.

      Hopefully see you ina group again soon.

    • #25029
      lorraine
      Participant

      today i banned from all options for me to gamble .
      I do not need to hear wtg or good job,or things will get better now.
      Cause to be honest this was a move i have fought since 2010.
      Its not the gambling i will really miss,it is the part of me that comes to life when im gambling,it is something i look forwards too.
      I was banned till last friday,my latest 6 monther,so i lasted one week,and well lets just say,i had to call in sick to work tomorrow,just as an alcoholic ,we to go though withdraws.
      Depreesion beyond our wildest dreams,deep deep depair,fear,worry,and sadness,loneliness,guilt,so many racing thoughts that steal our sleep.
      Nothing changed for me ,hubbys still in a care home,hes doing good,me well ,his illness has just about done me in mentally and physically,and whats left of me in a day gambling took the rest.
      Stopped bathing for 2 years now yup yuck huh!
      Just lost all drive for living,and summer wow ,so hard for me.
      How many times will i have to say NO .
      I dont know how iam going to get through the next few weeks.
      Cant really afford to loose much more of me.
      Keep telling myself ,stay in the moment ,dont think ahead.
      But its hard ,cause i dont want to wake up me,either way i lost this fight.
      I already spend half my life starring out a window knowing i dont belong in it ,dont fit in.some where along the way,the ME in ME stopped living.
      My court sentencing 3 yrs was over in May,hmmm big deal,the damages i did years back are permanant.
      Just something i have to except.some times thats why i still dont care if i still gambled,couldnt do more damamge financially that is.
      I still have not managed to make any face to face recovery friends.
      So i will go through this alone,but maybe it is something i just need to except.
      All i hope to get out of the next 6 months is not gamble free days big whoop.
      I really really hope i can find inner peace some kind of self worth.
      And maybe a little courage to buy some new clothes been over 5 yrs .
      Spending on me is a guilt trip to hell.
      But im thinking that will take a few more years.yah
      Oh well enough of my yaking.
      Nothing changed lol ,one day i might.
      and thats me over and out.

      Im not

    • #25030
      Anonim
      Vizitator

      Hi ya Lorraine

      All I can say is that I’m pleased it’s not me.

      Of course you don’t want to hear wtg or well done. But still, better late than never.

      I get where you’re coming from with time off work and mega-depression. It never changes does it.

      Sorry you’ve been away so long. Maybe this time, I hope so.

      Take care

      Geordie

    • #25031
      kathryn
      Participant

      I don’t know what to say.
      But I heard you.
      And I truly wish you the peace you so deserve.
      All you can do is keep on battling.
      Please give yourself a little bit of love, just a little.
      Take care,
      Love K xx

    • #25032
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Lorraine
      It’s been ages since I met you in a group but I have never forgotten getting to ‘know’ you a lot better by listening to you – you taught me to understand more then you can imagine.
      So I am offering you an ear that is listening and I have carefully noted all the things that don’t help – whenever I am down those sentiments don’t help me either.
      I do hope that in the near future your last few words will change from ‘Nothing changed lol ,one day i might’ – to ‘nothing changed but I will’ and better still ‘I have’. Positive thinking when you are embattled and feeling alone can help you rise above unnecessary feeling of guilt and restore self esteem. I’m sorry if that verges on the words that don’t help, its just that my experience has been that when I have felt alone in the middle of chaos it is only positive thinking that got me through in the end.
      I know that cyber space cannot give you what you want but you do have cyber friends here and I hope you will post more so that they can support you.
      Velvet

    • #25033
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi Lorraine, I’m not going to give you advice or assume how you should feel. I wish for you to find peace for yourself. Do something nice for you. Don’t give up the battle!

    • #25034
      vera
      Participant

      Nobody can take a step for you, Lorraine but people do listen
      I guess we need to learn how to roll with the punches. Some get more knocks than others. Some have better coping skills. Some are thick skinned and don’t give a damn.
      Peculiar mix isn’t it?
      All I DO know is that gambling makes every bad situation worse, despite the appearance of offering temporary relief.
      Gambling prevents us from seeing beyond the next bet.
      Crazy!

    • #25035
      maverick.
      Participant

      Lorraine,

      I have read your post and none of the others after, I have been on and off here pretty infrequently in all honesty.

      Firstly it is great to see you around and I am really sorry I haven’t been in touch, its no excuse but been having a hard time in life and when that happens I forget about the people I love and care about so sorry.

      Life as we both know can be such a struggle and at times I feel like you Lorraine I honestly do (what am I doing here, what’s my purpose, why am I just living and floating around in a world I shouldn’t be in) I don’t know, I believe you are very much like me Lorraine…..I see all the bad and the no good in me but don’t see all the good parts (I know there are many good parts about you), I also know you will say yah whatever how do you know…..and I know it has been a very long time but we have talked and shared and I miss that so very much……my fault as it always is as get caught up in the wicked world of not loving people and concentrating on all the things in life that don’t mean shit! (sorry for my language), Lorraine you have a purpose in life, I know you have a kind heart and you cant deny that as I have seen it and been on the receiving end many times, you love your husband as any loving women would, Lorraine if I am to be very blunt………you have had a shit time with things that have gone on and you are a wonderful women who doesn’t deserve the things that have happened.

      My friend please keep fighting as there really is lots to keep fighting for, I am like you and on some lonely nights I have said „God take me now” I have had enough………you know what he hears, he listens and when our time is up it is up, he knows that even with all the things we have messed up and even with all the things we have done……..now isn’t the right time, God knows we have both made many mistakes Lorraine but he also knows we both have good hearts……..you may think Lee……go away and leave me alone but trust me I know him well………I need to as have been well over that fine line (I have had enough of life) many times!

      So I will be honest as I always am with you, I am a compulsive gambler and believe it or not this is my 69th day gamble free, my gamble free time is great but at this moment in time my life is shit!, I dropped in on here and had to reply to your post, I was so happy to see you around although that is no excuse as I have known you for years and could have posted on your thread at anytime so there you go I am a just like a lot of people……..either don’t think……don’t care….or selfish……..its weird Lorraine because I am neither of the above……(I just didn’t think or take the time to think and post) it’s not good enough as you are / were / still are a really good friend, I just got f*cked by life and all the bad consumed me as it often does.

      Lorraine you are a wonderful women, I already know that first hand and don’t need anyone to tell me otherwise, I will always wish you well my friend and please keep fighting, you are a very good person with a kind heart, I already know that but most of all you have a purpose in this world, just for today I am so very happy I am talking to you, please talk back to me soon, Lorraine I know this sounds silly but you will always have a place in my heart……over the years I have really warmed to you and so sorry I haven’t spoke or been around much for the last one!, just my compulsive gambling behavior and when I am in action I distance myself from everyone I could possibly harm.

      Lorraine so here it is, please boil the kettle and have a coffee, look out that window and picture me in the distance……I am getting old now my friend (40 years) not as good looking as I once was lol, and when you look out that window sipping your coffee…….you know what you are going to see…………..that fence of yours is getting a good kicking lol!!!!!

      Take care my friend and please remember I think about you often.

      Maverick

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