[markf]

A fair few of you in chat have been asking me about Gordon House recently and how it has helped me so, I thought I would try to explain in a post for those of you that are interested.
It has helped me on so many levels. When I arrived I was at my rock bottom. I had been gambling for the best part of 20 years and lost everything. I had managed to abstain previously for almost 5 years but when times got tough I relapsed and sank quicker then I could possibly have imagined.
Through my experience at GH I have learnt how and why I became a compulsive gambler in the first place; What my cues and triggers are; Self awareness; How to budget properly; What to do when I get urges and ultimately all the tools I need to live a purposeful and gamble free life.
So how and why did I become a CG? I remember gambling on fruit machines way back when I was around 10. Whilst it wasn’t a problem then, I still seemed far more interested then my friends. My gambling took a very quick and sharp turn for the worse when I went to secondary school at 11. I was very aware that I wanted to be cool, have lots of friends and be in the thick of it but being about a foot shorter then everyone else in my entire school I found it difficult. Going to an all boys school, people got picked on a bullied for all sorts of reasons so rather then let that happen to me I turned into the cocky one and turned to gambling with mates too be seen as being cool. Basically I used gambling as a way of deflecting from my major insecurities.

Because I never understood this at the time, I progressively got worse as I got older and with still a great need to be liked I became obsessed with material possessions and showing off. I wanted the latest gadgets, Gameboys, clothes etc……..
Again as I got older I wanted to be the one drinking champagne in the bars and going to the expensive clubs and generally flashing the cash. Sadly I get on this path pretty much all my life until I got to GH. I was convinced I was going to make a fortune ( I had no idea how) and everyone I met I gave off the impression that I was significantly more successful then I was. As I am sure you can imagine this way of life continually fuelled my addiction.
I never really found happiness as I had no idea what made me happy. Even in the years when I managed to stop gambling and was actually making a successful career and earning very good money, I still wasn’t happy!
My whole life was a lie. I was constantly spinning a yarn with all my friends, family and anyone I met. I wanted everyone to believe that I was a success and I could have anything and everything! When I think about it now, I see how sad it was!
For me it was really important to look at the root causes as without tackling them how can I hope to stay clean for any length of time. With the help of classes, counselling and a lot of time to reflect at GH I have worked on my self esteem, insecurities and what will actually make me happy. I am learning how to live for myself and what I really want from life. This is still very much a work in progress.
In terms of practical help I received at GH. The most valuable thing by far was learning to live on a budget. I spent 30 weeks living off a weekly budget of £65. That had to cover food, drink, toiletries, presents ( family birthdays etc..) cigarettes, clothes, gym and anything else I might want. I would fill in a budget sheet at the start of each week outlining what money I would need on each day and then have to stick to it. This may sound simple but it took some getting used to. But after 30 weeks of it, I think it has payed off. TO give you a good example. When I finished GH I luckily found a job very quickly. I stayed in the half way house for 2 months and in that time managed to save enough money for a deposit on a rental flat and also to buy furniture for it. Unfortunately my job came to an end 2 weeks ago and whilst I am hopeful of starting some temp work next week, I have been out of work for 2 weeks.

The old me would have panicked and very possibly relapsed. But instead I calmly sorted out my job seekers allowance and housing benefit and gone back to living off a tight budget. I have spent the past 30 weeks living of £65 a week so I know I can do it again for as long is necessary until I find a new job.
I realise this post is starting to drag on a bit so let me now tell you that I have not had a bet for over a year. I live an honest life. I don’t lie anymore to anyone or about anything – there is simply no need. I don’t hide the fact I was in rehab or that I even committed fraud when my gambling was at it worst. I wake up each morning knowing I am doing everything I can to help my recovery. I stay in touch with good friends from GH all the time as they are my support network. I know this is still very early days in my recovery ( as far as I am concerned recover lasts the rest of my life) but so long as I remain aware of my emotions and behaviour then I will stay on the right path.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Mark,

I just found your post. I am about to start my 2 week assessment at GH. I too have lost everything – wife, business, in debt, huge depression. Can’t stop thinking about what I could have had if I hadn’t gambled the last 3 years.

I am looking forward to going to Gordon House and gaining new skills. I feel as if I need a new start. It sounds as if you have come a long way.

Your post was a long time ago, so I hope you are still doing well. Please let us know.

Thanks

Mav

[charles]

Great post Mark. The only thing you are wrong about is that your post was beginning to „drag on.” Such a positive post and good read could never do that. 🙂 Keep posting.

[Autor]

Mesaje