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    • #30708
      andrea6054
      Участник

      Well today marks a week to the day since I left all the lovely people at GMA.
      They were four days I’ll never forget as long as I live!
      Anyway, today also marks seven days gamble free.
      I actually haven’t gambled since 24th May, but I am not going to count the days before I started my recovery (25!).
      I can honestly say so far so good, and I’ve had some traumas to deal with since I got home, which were quite traumatic to say the least, but at least I didn’t go running to gambling!
      I haven’t got any money anyway!
      But the main thing is I haven’t wanted to gamble so far! The images still appear sometimes, but I can manage to get rid of them.
      I had my first telephone counselling session yesterday, and it was good to hear Liz’s voice again!
      This is the first proper week where I haven’t been a slave to gambling. I hope it continues. I met some fantastic, lovely, strong women and we will stay in touch and support each other.
      Even though I’ve only been feeling like this for a week, it’s a feeling I never thought I’d feel again. …alive without the burden of gambling on my shoulders every day.
      So, there is hope. I never thought there would be. ..I was in such a dark place. And now I’m not!
      I never want to go back to where I was, and hope I don’t slide off the slippery wagon anytime soon. Or indeed at all.
      But we all know it’s a struggle, but at least I’m still alive to fight the battle!

    • #30709
      micky
      Участник

      You said it Andrea there is HOPE and there is HOPE for everyone who reaches out for it . I too have very little money although when i say that i mean i have enough to get by and that if i was to gamble that money i would be in a bad place again, so with some budgeting here and there i am managing to get by okay. I suppose in reality it’s the way i should be living anyway and not throwing my money away. I think iv’e babbled on a bit there sorry. So congrats on your seven days and keep going ODAAT. M. 🙂

    • #30710
      Dunc
      Хранитель

      Hey Andrea

      Lovely post. One line bought up a saying that I’ve always found really apt in the early and later stages of recovery and fits in nicely with this line you wrote

      » I’ve had some traumas to deal with since I got home, which were quite traumatic to say the least, but at least I didn’t go running to gambling!»

      I wish this was mine, but this is Charles’s line

      A good week is when nothing really goes wrong and you don’t gamble

      A Brilliant week is when trauma hits and you don’t Gamble

      Welcome to the land of recovery and well done on having a brilliant week.

      The difference between now and when we first spoke is amazing, you should be so proud of yourself

      Take Care

      H

    • #30711
      Liberty
      Участник

      I am so pleased to see such a huge change in your outlook on life since you have returned from your GMA Stay.
      It is absolutely priceless to be with people who understand what you have gone through with this addiction. The support of all the people you have met is really like finding a diamond in a mountain of rock.
      You are doing it Andrea, facing life, dealing with problems instead of escalating those problems into bigger problems as we all know that is all gambling ever did.
      You should be really proud of all you are doing to help yourself as you say it is not easy but with all you have been through, you are strong and no longer in that terrible place with no where to turn, so you definitely are a winner Andrea. 🙂

    • #30712
      andrea6054
      Участник

      Thank you Micky, Harry and Liberty,
      Residential therapy really was an eye opener and all of us considered ourselves very lucky to be there.
      One of the things we did the most was laugh! Believe it or not! ! In fact sometimes it was hysterical laughter! Most of us had forgotten how! This played a huge part in releasing all the bad stuff that we’d built up inside ourselves over the years. When we told each other tales of things we’d done when at our most desperate, they actually seemed funny and we could not believe we’d even done them!!
      It really proved to us how much we’d been consumed by gambling. We had tears too, plenty of them. But they were needed just as much as the laughing.
      On a serious note, none of this would have worked had it not been for Ruth, Jane and Liz and all their expert hard work. They’ve made us see the world in a different light. Almost like we’ve been reborn.
      Which we have.

    • #30713
      andrea6054
      Участник

      Well. …Happy Father’s Day to those of us to whom it means something. It doesn’t to me. ….as I don’t know who mine is.
      Or does it? I wonder!
      Gambling trigger = yes, this subject is definitely one now that I look back on it.
      Inner child can be quiet today. ….not getting the better of me!
      Day ten gamble free since residential treatment. ….and that’s the way it’s staying! !!

    • #30714
      Liberty
      Участник

      Good honest post, father’s day does not mean anything to me either, (what it is though is a reminder of what I did not have so I suppose it does mean something) I do know who mine is but he was not around in childhood and last time I saw mine was like thirty years ago.
      It is good that today you recognise this kind of day as a trigger for you and that you are putting in place what you learned on your residential into practise, go adult you Andrea!
      You are doing great well done you 🙂

    • #30715
      andrea6054
      Участник

      I’m not going to lie, I was full of positivity since I left residential treatment and was convinced I’d never gamble again. My son was supposed to take my bank card off me, but he forgot (duh!). My salary was due to go in at midnight yesterday. So I made it my business to stay at a friends house on Wednesday night. I promptly fell asleep on the sofa early, about 9.00! ! Old habits site hard, I suppose, but I suddenly woke and sat bolt upright, asked him what time it was. …and. ..It was exactly midnight! And my God, it shocked me how strong those urges to gamble came into my head. There I was, my body and mind knew it was time to start gambling as my wages had gone in, exactly at the right moment! I felt like a heroin addict must feel if they are really strung out and someone is tempting them with their drug, but not giving it to them. I had palpitations, and a feeling of excitement, for some bizarre reason. But yet, while i had no «desire» to gamble, urges still tried to take over any rational thought. I threw my phone and my bank card at my lovely friend and told him to hang onto them, which he did. And I made it through the night gamble free.
      Yesterday I went to lunch with some friends who have invited me back into the fold since I sent them a message explaining why and how I’d gone out of my mind recently. But I felt uncomfortable, and it was like I was itching to do something. I didn’t want to, and anyway, my friend still has my bank card, though I was aware all day that I could gamble if I really, really wanted to.
      I don’t want to ever gamble again. When I say I left rehab full of positivity, I really did. And that was all well and good until pay day arrived when I was left to my own devices and really, what I’m trying to say is, I was slightly shocked at how powerful the inner child in me tried to become when it knew it could have the wherewithal to play up! It’s also slightly shocked me how physically addicted my body had become to gambling! The fact that I woke up the minute my salary hit my bank account, the palpitations, etc. How consumed I’d been by this thing over the years! It was a struggle, I have to tell you!
      On top of that I have dumped the on/off boyfriend for good. Looking back on that relationship, I really don’t know what the hell I was doing there in the first place! It goes to show you how clouded my judgement was by gambling. All my intuitions about him were right, he’s a bastard, and only after rehab could I see clearly enough to confront him and not listen to any bullshit, and discover that I was right all along, but I had been on another planet and not paid attention to the alarm bells in my head for so long. This «new» me, was the last thing he was expecting, but I discovered his true colours, and then I discovered mine, slapped him hard in the face and flounced off, never to return!
      Not that I’m a violent person! But when you come out of four days of rehab, full of positivity, and you’re supposed to be returning to a loving, supportive environment, then you discover he’s been stalking his ex for the last six months, you just can’t help yourself! And not only that, but she’s reported him to the police for it, he was just using me as a substitute until he could get her back, and I had let this happen! !!!! It’s just a shame I didn’t knock him clean out! !
      I’ve also had several people chasing me for money that I’ve owed since before rehab. That was pretty harrowing. Unfortunately, one of those is the bastard! Well, he can just wait. To eradicate his threats of telling the whole village that I’m mental with gambling problems, I decided to get in there before him and confessed to all the people that matter to me around here, so that should take the wind out of his sails!
      So, all in all, it’s been eventful since I left rehab! I’ve had an awful lot to deal with, a lot of confessions, a lot of rekindling of friendships, a lot of soul searching about my life in general, a much better relationship with my son, and the obliteration of a bastard!
      I still have not gambled. I feel so relieved and although my positivity took a bit of a dent on pay day, all I have to do is think back to those dreadful dark days when I was so obsessed with gambling and escaping from the world, and I realise I never want to go back there again.

    • #30716
      micky
      Участник

      Hi Andrea well done on not acting on the thoughts and urges , good for you on giving your bank card and phone to your friend. All in all i think thats a great post and one you can look back on and recognise the triggers that were set off and how you didn’t give in. M.

    • #30717
      charles
      Модератор

      A lot of positives there Andrea. Not gambling despite strong urges, taking immediate steps like giving your phone etc to your friend, making needed changes with your now ex B/F. Being honest with those that matter around you. All good stuff. keep posting.

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