[mummyrichards]

Hi, my names caroline, I am a compulsive gambler, I have gambled on and off for 7 years, gambling has destroyed my life, I have stolen from friends and family, lied, commited fraud. Its safe to say, I don’t really like the me who is a compulsive gambler shes a horrible person, but the fact is she is apart of me and I have to live with her and manage her as I know shes not going anywhere. I have not gambled since september, which was a stupid bet of 1.50, just to see if I could do it..I threw away 90days abstinence for 1.50 and to proove a point, it never prooved anything, just that I can never gamble again.

[JohnNobody]

Hi welcome to the forum. You have done so good not gambling since September. Forgive yourself the 1.50 bump. Your doing way better than me. You have not thrown away 90 days. You have moved forward I think in 90 days. Good to have you here.

[Dunc]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[janey1]

Thanks for posting an intro Caroline, you’re doing really well and I’m looking forward to hearing all about your recovery over the coming months.

Hope to speak to you soon, take care
Janey

[mummyrichards]

Gambling has taken so much from me, I am still gamble free and so proud of that, but I never knew how much gambling was apart of my life, until now.. I am struggling with everyday life «normal» activities, even socialising.. I have started a journal today and each day I aim to do three menial tasks around, what I feel I struggle with.. I.e. getting dressed, contacting a friend just for a chat, tidying up and taking my daughter out.. these should come easy but for me they make me physically sick.. here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day..

[Аноним]

Hi Mummyr. Sounds like you are doing really well. It’s a great idea to start doing other things like meeting up with friends to fill the void that gambling has leftZ it’s true we don’t realise how much of our time and energy has gone on gambling. Keep strong. U are doing really well!

[mummyrichards]

Had a bad time tonight, gambled ten pounds tonight, broke done after 45p , I can’t live like this forever.. what’s wrong with me.. can’t seem to get away from being this horrible deceitful perso

[janey1]

Hi Caroline

I see you’re letting your inner bully have a really good go at you at the moment….you can change your behaviour and you are working hard on doing just that so try to be kinder to yourself ok?

Take a look at your actions, if you are in the same position again, what can you do differently? Can you come here and talk to someone? Can you block your access to gambling, call a friend…stop yourself accessing money?

Use this experience to make your recovery stronger rather than allowing it make you feel weaker…..having spoken to you, I know you’re certainly not weak 🙂

Speak to you soon.
Janey

[mummyrichards]

This week has brought so many different emotions.. I gambled over christmas, which has knocked me harder than I thought, everyone’s reaction is your bound to have slips!!! Am I???? Is that how I live for rest of my life??? The reason I ask this is….,
I have been given a date for my residential treatment this week with gordon moody, which has sparked so many feelings, worries and excitement.. I am hoping it will help me answer the question I posted above..

[charles]

Hi Caroline,
You raise a few questions there, let me try and work through them.

Are you «bound to have slips»? No, we are compulsive gamblers but a slip isn’t inevitable, if we tell ourselves that it is we are setting ourselves up for our next bet. I’d say that none of us can stop on our own but i know many people who haven’t gambled since their first GA meeting or Gordon House or other support.

Havign said that if someone does have a slip what happens next largely depends on what they learn from it . You gambled, what would have stopped/made it harder for you to do so? What can you do to make it less possible in the future? Where was it? have you now got yourself banned? How did you fund it? Can you make it harder to access money? That sort of thing.

«Is that how I live for rest of my life??» Again no, it does get easier. Though it’s not just the time since our last bet that makes it easier — its how much we work recovery. Find other thigns to fill our time, address character traits, take positive actions etc

You have been accepted into the residential programme? great you will find a lot of answers there. You will also get tools and strategies that you can use as you move forward in recovery. Then of course its up to you if and how you apply those tools.

What positiv steps can you take before going to Gordo Hose? where can you get banned from? Who could look after your money for you? What can you do instead of gambling next time you get an urge?

I look forward to hearing about the positive steps you are taking.

[mummyrichards]

Reading through my past posts, really takes me back to a dark place. I am today 6 days in to my recovery programme after spending 3 nights four days with the absolutely wonderful ladies at Gordon Moody Association (and Liz).
My world has never been clearer to me and I finally see were I need to change in order to beat this god damn devil.
I can’t stress how grateful I am to Amy, Liz, Jane and Ruth for the path they have put me on, I am learning new things about myself again and letting the past stay were it is.
I am so looking forward to the next 12 weeks, especially bonding with the strong alliance of ladies I had the pleasure to meet during my residential stay at the beautiful retreat.
I never thought I would see a light at the end of the tunnel, its beautiful.

[janey1]

The alliance of ladies are all thinking of you too and treading each step alongside you no doubt 🙂

Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re doing great!!!

Janey

[mummyrichards]

STILL GAMBLE FREE.. since January, its been such a strange time, I feel a little lost but I am becoming more curious about life outside my gambling bubble, I don’t remember everyday life being this hard, but its eye opening. I have found my voice, I have found a little strength and I am enjoying getting to know my little girl again..
What I struggle most with is letting go of the past, I have sworn I won’t let my past keep holding me back, but when I look around me sometimes, it stings a lot when I think of the people I have hurt, I know I am never going to be able to bury it completely, I would like to be able to live with it, rather than it live in me.. catch 22.. I am happier than I have been in years, still think about gambling but don’t see the need to do it like I did..
will I ever be 100% happy again.. I bloody hope so

[Аноним]

Hi Caroline,
You will be really happy again.100% I’m not sure.. Life is life with its ups and downs.

You are doing great in your recovery- finding yourself and your voice.
We may never achieve perfection in any area but «good enough» will do fine..
Keep strong .. You are making amazing progress!!

[mummyrichards]

I am today 153 days gamble free and I am proud of myself, its taken me many years to be able to give myself credit for anything, but I do for this.. However, I have to say this recovery is bloody hard work, I am so aware of my triggers and have become able to remove myself from situations which I know have caused me issues in the past, but I can still see that dark side of me, the one who hides everything, who smiles when she wants to cry, who doesn’t need to do things for herself, aslong as everyone else is happy, then I am..thats what got me in this mess in the first place, I am concious of this but I can’t seem to find the way out and the truth is I feel miserable and its breaking my heart, that I don’t feel happy when I should.. I am looking for abit of advice..what do you do when you realise, its not you who has to change your ways, how do you tell those people who have stuck by you (but inevitably, think my recovrey ended a while back), that your just not happy..I am not happy with anything, other than my daughter, the rest I feel like I am invisible. I have tried talking, writing, shouting, but the truth is I am just like a mushroom, fed full of shit and kept in the dark, after all it is my fault, I can’t be responsible for normal adult things, as I am a problem gambler.. it sucks ass sometimes.

[I_Maverick]

Hi MummyRichards, I have just caught up on your thread as you started it before I joined. Having read the whole thread you are an inspiration. GA, GMA, GT can old help us when WE want to actually get better. It won’t work for those who do not want to get better. 153 days is amazing, just over twice my 71 today, but that is irrelevant. I can read in your posts actual recovery taking place, as Charles so wonderfully put it in an earlier post.

Please stay here for a bit a detail your recovery. For me every day I do not gamble means I have head space to do other things — spend time with family, spend time with my dog, slowly start to fix the terrible mess I created (financial, business, homelife, self esteem etc). I have my assesment at the National Problem Gambling Clinic on 22nd June and to do the treatment I want I have to have a minimum of 80-90 days gamble free time so that my head is clear. When I have the assessment I will be on 81 days.

For me gambling has just been the latest in a long line of addictions that include heroin, cocaine, crack and almost every other kind of substance known to man. However, nothing destroyed me like gambling, nothing changed my worldview like gambling, nothing hollowed me out and left just a husk of a man who lived only in a world of pain and hurt like gambling. I never got recovery from the other addictions, just stopped using.

Abstinence is not recovery, but without abstinence we cannot have recovery.

Now I am gamble free and I am past the initial period of self hate, self doubt, recrimination, feelings of guilt of all the chaos I created, I can suddenly enjoy time with my boy. I am separated from his mum and I live with my parents in Stoke while she is in London. But I get 1-2 days a week with him and in those 1 or 2 days I am more present than I ever was when I was living at home.

You are a true heroine.

noun
1.
a woman of distinguished courage or ability, admired for her brave deeds and noble qualities.

All my love to you and yours. Please keep posting, I personally need to read good stories of recovery.

Mav

[mummyrichards]

In my 36years it’s not very often I have been lost for words. I have missed hearing the words of the people who understand, I have tried to move forward, after my residential treatment ended, I took it upon myself, that I must go it alone, its been a lonely time. Thank you for making me realise, I am not alone and for the beautiful words, its helped more than you will ever realise. So you keep up the good work 74 days now is it?? I will endeavour to keep my recovery posted, what worries me is, when do I stop being in recovery?? It could be an intense thread..
I have to say your post gave me the words I have been looking for, when describing our addiction, such enduring words.

I have the odd day were I think buying a scratch-card wouldn’t cause any major problem.. I have the coping skills now, which allows me to argue the fact, because, it may not be a problem today, but it will be the cause of my problems 6 months down the line.

Gambling is evil, it turned me evil..never thought I would be happy again, thank you for helping me realise, I am on the right track.
I am sure our paths will cross again, be strong.

Love to you from the bottom of my heart

[Liberty]

153 days! (couple more now) wow, how proud you should be of all you have achieved.
There is the group support every Thursday at 6.45, I do go every week but rarely is anyone there. I don’t have my mobile phone available to use as I can’t switch it on due to undesirable calls. I often think of you and wonder how you are, it would be great if you could make the group meeting.
It really helps to talk, we are only as alone as to how much we isolate ourselves. We don’t have to do it alone, it is good to see you have posted and there are also good support groups here, if you check the support link schedule.
I am sure your little one is even more beautiful and what joy she brings you each day Mummy Richards, would love to chat to you on Thursday, miss the group too.
Everything you wrote made perfect sense, particularly your mushroom analogy, take care of you.

[I_Maverick]

Hi MummyRichards (love that name by the way). I am on 74 today, and back in SToke after diving almost 500 miles over the weekend to see my little boy. Had him all weekend.

You ask when will recovery end? As far as I understand (finally, it took me a long time to grasp this) my recovery will never end. I will ALWAYS be in recovery because I want recovery. That’s the thing about recovery, it’s a lifetime job. That’s what it says in the Orange Book.

Recovery for me is not just about not gambling. It’s about making a new life, one without lies, deceit, hiding, being ashamed, fear, guilt. It’s about the ruth, honesty, acceptance (such as today I feel low, but that’s ok and today I feel but and that;s ok. Neither is right or wrong, it’s just the way it is.) I am going to take up mindfulness again now that I have stopped gambling. I actually learned mindfulness but I was gambling and tried to use mindfulness techniques to become a better gambler. How truly twisted is that?

Anyway, I will write more on my blog about my weekend away and what my tasks are this week. My weeks are getting busier and busier, but I am careful not to create too much stress for myself. I am in a very delicate part of my recovery.

Take care and I look forward to seeing you around. Did you do the GMA course for women? I hear great things about that, hope you got a lot from it.

Best

M

[mummyrichards]

Over the past three weeks, I have encountered every possible trigger and I have to say, today I finally admitted, I have done nothing but want to gamble for two whole days.. I haven’t, instead I spoke to someone, it took me a while but I had to let someone else in. No disrespect (beggars can’t be choosers), I feel a little weight lifted, but the truth is I need someone around me who gets me and this..
I have now taken over my own finances as I felt like my «partner» wasn’t doing the best job, he’s buried his head in the sand. My fear is he’s living with his own addiction and I can’t help him, he won’t face up to it, the bug bearer is, it seems bella and I go without because of it, not just financially, he has no time for us either. I claim benefits as he doesn’t actually live with me, I have asked him to move in so I can stop claiming as this is putting huge pressure on me, but I know have to face the fact, I don’t think he could or would be able to support us financially. I asked him yesterday how much money he owed a certain person ans he responded «I don’t want to know, you ask him»..My mind spiralled, its bellas birthday in three weeks and I want to treat her to a trip to thomas land, but I can see its not on his list of priorities, which is making want to gamble, I don’t want her to go without, why should she..me I will survive..either way, I am going to be the bad one, If I ask him to leave us, bella will hate me, if I gamble everyone including me will probably hate me and I will hate me, if i can give my daughter the birthday she deserves, I have done a couple of weeks work, which earnt me £780, it’s all gone on food bills and other people.. it was supposed to be my saving grace, but it’s just made everything worse.. my heads ready to explode. help please…

[janey1]

You’re proving yet again that you’re a force to be reckoned with! Despite the stress and triggers you’ve remained gambling free so if you can feel some pride in your actions it’d be justified!

As you know, stopping gambling is really the start of the journey, LIFE is what happens when recovery is well underway. The good news is that if you can survive what you’ve already survived, you can survive this! You’re not «The bad one» you’re the reasonable, rational, grown up one who’s dealing with daily life and all the trials that brings. That makes you the STRONG one M, even if it doesn’t feel like that at the moment!

You don’t have to punish yourself anymore because you gambled and you have nothing to prove to anyone….so be kind to yourself and let go of that guilt. Time to have a really long think about what you want and what’s best for you and Bella.

Come and talk to us if you need to but whatever happens, make sure you get enough support because it’s obviously working for you so no retreating back into your own head!

Take care M, you’re in my thoughts.

Janey

[I_Maverick]

Hi M. I have been away from the blogs for a bit but came back today as I had kept promising to pop back and say hello. I noticed that my last post was on your blog, so that popped up.

Someone much wise than me once told me that when you have an ok day and don’t gamble it’s a good day; when you have a shit day and don’t gamble it’s a GREAT day.

You appear to be very tuned in to your triggers and emotions that might make you gamble. It must be hard with a partner who doesn’t seem to care and is wrapped up in their own world/ addiction. I still feel massive shame when I think back to how I treated my soon to be ex-wife/ mother of my child. She’s at the top of my lit of people I have harmed and every time we meet I try to act in a way that will make amends. I am not doing well at that.

You sound like you are doing amazing, knowing how sneaky this addiction is. Well done. You are in my thoughts and I wish you the strength to make the right desiions despite the difficulties. Jane wrote something amazing:

«stopping gambling is really the start of the journey, LIFE is what happens when recovery is well underway. »

This is where I am. Today is day 97 without a bet but I feel I have very little or no recovery in me. But I cannot do anything about that, except live my life one day at a time and promise myself at the start of every day that just for today I will not gamble.

All my love

M

[mummyrichards]

I have just read through my post, how on earth I managed to not gamble is beyond me, today I feel like I over-reacted, but as you know me so well janey, thats just me going into my own head space.. I always have been and I always been my own worst critic, which to others seems like » i think to much», but I feel that this side of me is the side that keeps me from becoming complacent and if I dare be as bold to say, ignorant as most of society seem to be today. I haven’t told adam about yesterday, I spoke to his mum and my sisters, which to be honest, maybe should of just rang my best friend as my problem and situation once again made me feel I was adding to others problems, the sighs, the look of sadness and do you know what I felt no better for sharing, but reading your posts today, yes brought tears to my eyes (which is something I don’t do alot of now», you are both so right in everything you say. M, I love your posts you are so admirable, you have come so far with all the barriers in your way, but although you may never be recovered from gambling you will be happy one day. That I would put money on (not really).
Jayne; You, Ruth and Liz are my saviours, the admiration and respect I have for the role you take, women and gambling..jeez!! thats a tough one!! I know from first hand experience. You all were so positive, so in tune and you know, never were any off you speaking for the sake of it. I owe you my life as I know without you all, I wouldn’t be were I am today, you all taught me to manage this, devil..and trying not to sound flippant, the coping skills were just common sense, no hypnotism, no guarantees for me it came at the right time. Thank you will never come close, but at this moment, it is all we have, so thank you to you all from the bottom of our hearts.. love from me and bella xxx

[mummyrichards]

Stay strong M, you don’t see what a help you have been to others.. I know you know, rock bottom and after reading your posts, to others threads..I believe you may have pulled a few people from there, with you kind, positive and inspirational words.

[janey1]

I’ll pass on your lovely words 🙂

Take care

J

[p]

I just want to say well done to you for getting through days of urges and not giving in, well done! The more you deny the addictive monster the quieter it will eventually become. You’ve come a long way

P

[Автор]

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