This past weekend I found out my aunt(mom’s sister) passed away. She kept it a secret from me that she was doing an assisted suicide. Me and her had been in a rocky relationship for along time but she did that with everyone and pushed them away. I live on her property and she made it so nobody new she had even passed. She wrote all her kids out of her will and only let one daughter see her before she died because she wanted her to ”take care of buisness”. I feel hurt, angry and every emotion you can feel. She was my last living immediate family member. She raised me after my mom passed when I was young. The last few days I’ve been pushing myself into my recovery. I’ve gone to meetings, spent time with my sponsor and other recovery friends practicing my spirtual practices. I dissociate on and off because of my complex ptsd but I’m doing better than all the other losses I’ve had. My uncle my mom’s brother who also partially raised me passed about 6 months ago to. I’ve been trying everything I can to not go into the mode where I want to escape. I ended up with a gambling addiction after losing my grandmother. I don’t want the loss of my aunt and uncle to take me out again. My partner and I drove passed a casino this afternoon on the way home from work. I was dissociative from having thoughts of grief which come and go. But I just starred at this stupid lit up sign and my brain said I don’t need that shit. I had no desire and all I literally just felt anger towards the building even existing. I no ill never have any of my addictions beat but I refuse to let anything no matter how painful take me to the place I was at when I gambled and or used substances. I no I need to just keep working a program and doing everything I’ve learned over the years to keep me from messing up.
