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Day 175. I was just doing some banking and realized that I’m officially in the positive. Not by a lot by a few hundred to a grand. I have more cash than I owe on credit cards. I want to say I’m happy but I’m still just annoyed I let this happen. I’m not going to let it continue and that’s one of the reasons I keep coming back to this site. I read others stories, their pain, their frustrations, their worry. Read mine again. It reminds me how real and debilitating this disease is. That it never goes away. It might get a little easier with time but it is always inside burning. It took me down…. It took my life away and almost killed me. It still takes.

Screw gambling!!!! and what it does to you if you become addicted. I’m moving forward! It just took me half a year of very hard work to get out of this debt from my last relapse. The 3 relapses before that cost me $40,000 of savings. The big fall before that at close to $60,000 of savings. Before that over 20 years of daily sports and casino gambling which I’m guessing cost me in the range of $300,000. Total guesstimated loss is around $425,000. I guess 175 days gamble free pales in comparison to those stats. This is the longest I’ve ever not gambled for since I was 18 years old. All my relapses happened within 2 months of trying to quit. I feel much more determined this time around.

I’m happy that I have found some peace though. I still stress all the losses but am grateful to be working and on the road back. I took back control of my finances a couple months ago. My mom was super helpful but tit was extremely hard to have her manage my money. Her support is what I really need and some self control which I’ve been doing ok with. I’ve been thinking about the next stages of my financial life (besides the personal stuff) more and more. IRA accounts, stocks, mutual funds, bonds, property, business ownership, idea cultivating, donating, helping others, etc. I’m 41 years old and don’t have many chances left at having a life I can be proud of.

No one knows loneliness like a gambler. It leaves in its wake lost confidence, ambition, empathy, friendliness, compassion, caring, etc, and leaves us as a selfish, hurtful, untrustworthy, hateful, vindictive, manipulative shell of a person. Finding our ways back from that while dealing with the shit storm of personal, family, friends, business debts and loss of years and years of savings is crippling for any human to deal with no matter what their socioeconomic, religious, racial, or cultural backgrounds are.

Gambling is affecting people in horrible ways all over the world. Only the super rich benefit from all of us hurting like this. The system and game isn’t developed for us to win. No matter how good we are the house will always win for the greater portion of us. A select few can prosper in the gambling industry that try to prosper off gaming. Self control is the key to everything. Last night I had a shot of tequila. I didn’t need more. I didn’t want more. I didn’t have to have more. But I do with gambling. For me I can control drinking and therefore is ok in moderation just like any bad habit or something you might do a few times a year.

I’m not trying to teach anyone on this site anything. I’m just writing my feelings down for the moment so that I can read them again in another time of need.

I hope you all the best and hope all of our recoveries keep going well. Onward and upward fellow compulsive gamblers.

Much love and peace.