(I am still working on my last post. This is my amended copy)
What was my life like before I was saved?
Before I was saved, I was very impulsive when under stress, worries, and fear or facing temptations.
I have made many mistakes and bad decisions this way.
I suffered from impulse control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and emotional dysregulation disorder.
Many times my judgement was poor at the most critical moment; I could not tell the difference between what was right and wrong before I act or I was just simply too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. All I care about was only my feeling and this is how I have hurt or harm another person with my bad decisions.
In the past, when I was very stress or suffering from some illness or conditions, I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, and drug to make myself feel better. Other times I would gamble when I do not have enough money to take care of everything, they have help me in rare moments to solve my problem, but this way of living and lifestyle is really very foolish, reckless and a disaster in the making. It has wipeout everything in my life, it has destroyed all my relationships, career, health and saving in the end.
How did I get saved?
I learnt that I am still wrong in the court of law or in the eyes of God when I was disobedient or did something wrong even if my intention was good.
I have stop doing all those foolish and reckless acts now; I do not run away or hide from my problem and I have learnt to give up and stop my old ways by following a new way.
Things started to change for me after I understand that many people I have met are actually suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behavior.
If I was also suffering from the same thing, I can understand them better and it has helps me to have more empathy and compassion towards them. I can feel and understand their helplessness, hopelessness, loneliness, hardships, sufferings and pain when they are rejected by others. People in the society are generally quick to stereotype, label, judge, criticize, and condemn a person.
How did my life change after I was saved?
I learnt that I was a liar when I choose to love a God that I cannot see and not love a person that I can see.
Today I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
I learnt that I was a hypocrite, I can be cruel, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to the people I dislike. I will avoid or walk away from the people I dislike; I am afraid they will ask me for money; make me lose my job; ask me to let them stay in my home; order me what to do; shame and disgrace me in front of others. I do not know how to love those people who are unlovable and unfortunates. I suddenly realize that this is also how I made other people think and feel about me; I was that unlovable person.
Today it has become a test and a lesson for me every single time;
to learn how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially those that I do not like.
I have really found it hard to love the people I know and do not like without any ill feeling or resentment.
Today I was more forgiving, and less judgmental.
The difficult people I met has help me learn to be kinder and more loving to them and myself.
Today I do not beat myself up so hard when I am not perfect.
I have learn to accept my imperfection; sometime I can choose to be kind and loving instead of being right.
I am very much a work in progress. I am a sinner trying to repent.
I can sin and I can make mistake
I need help to change.