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Thank you Vera and Charlster. I am going to get advise on this next week after Easter. I found myself hitting myself again this morning, the sheer frustration at what I have done is overwhelming. I just cannot let go of the recent past as I am in the mess I have made. I have no distance.

Bankruptcy may be the best option, or so might topping myself. I am having the darkest thoughts possible as I mull things over. It doesn’t help that old friends are popping up who are all leading good fulfilling lives. I know life is not perfect, but my coping mechanisms are so screwed. All I know is that today I haven’t stopped thinking about gambling as a way of taking my mind off the mess my life is. I realise now that’s what I was doing last year. I keep having a go at myself for not stopping last year, but I was deeply unhappy in my life. I didn’t have the wherewithal to recognise my unhappiness, so I went ahead with my big project without tackling any of the underlying issues. And now that project is finished, having over run due to my laziness and gambling, I am now faced with what I have left.

I must stop living in the past, I know this. I need to make amends to myself moving forwards. I need to forgive myself. But how. I need to move forwards. I need to do things. But when it comes to the time to do them, I just feel empty. I want to give up.

Thanks for all your support here on the site, it means so much. I struggle to believe I have become this pathetic creature, this is not me.