[Romana]

Dear reder,

To whom is interested in reading my long “short” story, I am in love with a gambler and we just had our first failure in fighting the addiction.

I met my boyfriend one year ago. He hesitated a lot before getting in a “serious” relationship with me. We enjoyed each other’s company but he gets distant and then close on a daily basis. This was very disorienting. At the time, I didn’t understand his doubts. Now I know it was because of his addiction to gambling. He used to say “I will end up single, I know”, “How stupid I am to let go someone like you”. He once talked about casino gambling addiction he faced ten years ago and that he banned himself but he always hided that he discovered online gambling after and never stopped. When I decided that the entire situation didn’t suit and decided to move on and leave him, he came back and we decided together to try to build something based on trust and honesty.

At that time, he left his job and was willing to move to our “original” country and settle there. After a long talk, he decided to stay and got a new job. I supported him financially during two months till his paycheck (I wonder sometimes if this moving to another country was not a manipulative action…).

He got his wage on the 1st of March, on the 3rd, there were almost nothing left, he even didn’t go to work… I knew because I saw email notifications from gambling sites (he left his account open on my laptop). I know it is ugly I checked his emails but… I finally understood everything. Next day, I admitted I saw his emails and knew about his betting.

At the beginning he tried to lie about it, about the history, about the amounts but I told that he shouldn’t be trying to fool me. He got very upset and didn’t want to talk to me the entire night. I showed how much I wanted to support him to get through this. He left silently and texted me how much he loved me.

I spent the day after wondering how it was going on. Sent a small text and he replied how lost he felt, how I was his shining star and that now it is all dark, how he ruined everything I built for us. I went to his place two days later. He was surprised but happy to see me. Odds wanted he got a new job offer that day in my city (I am 50km far away from him). In the middle of all this storm, he accepted the offer and decided to stop gambling. He gave me access to all his life. His emails, his facebook, his gambling acounts, his bank account. I read everything from his past and understoodd how deep was the problem.

I took the initiative to start the procedure to ban him from the gambling sites.
I created another bank account where he would receive his salary. I controlled totally this account. I gave him a credit card where I put small amounts of money every two days. We went through all his debts. I paid one of his friends back. We sent an agreement of payment for institutions that owed him money.

He is at the same time relieved that I know everything and sad because he realizes how he lost 10 years of his life. All the stress, all the lies, all the time spent on chasing the losses… (in addition, I asked from the gambling sites to send me all his transactions, he received his summary of 2 years of gambling, 40000 euros lost… ). I still see this sadness and it won’t leave him till now.

Few days later, he took back his emails and facebook because I found it was too heavy for me and for him to check on everything. He was so afraid of falling back that he asked me to check what he talks with his “gambling” friends. He was so afraid that he didn’t want to carry 1 euro in cash for a baguette. He was so afraid that he asked me to buy the cigarettes for him in order not to go to the tobacco store (we can gamble easily there).

One week later, he asks me to transfer 100 euros on a gambling site so that he gets the 100 euros of free bets and then I could get back my money. I didn’t agree. He insisted. He was getting a little nervous. I accepted after 5 days… That’s where the troubles begun.

It all started very smoothly. I realize now I became his partner in crime. We made few sport bets, we watched the match, we had fun, we won. 500 euros. Nice, isn’t it? We decided he would only gamble when we are together.
I took back 300 euro that I transferred to his bank (I was really hoping he once could have real life stuff with the won money) and left 200 on the account.
Few days later, I was worried and made a remark that he checks the sport betting sites too much and suspected him of gambling again. He got very upset and we had a small fight about it where he was telling that he really didn’t do anything. That night, he changed the password of the site where I left 200 euros and gambled some of them.

We talked a lot about it. He didn’t want me to check anymore all the transactions on the bank account. Now on, I would send every month an amount of money sufficient for his food and cigarettes.
As long as it wasn’t “his own real” money he were betting, I didn’t mind. He convinced me he really will never give any penny to the sites. Now on, I only send money and do not check what he does with it.

He changes his job and moves in with me. Things are going fine. He is still in pain. Always that sadness. He stresses from time to time but sleeps muuuch better. He describes how he is discovering the world without gambling : the work, the discussions, us.

Two weeks later, the credit card didn’t work. He calls me upset cause he couldn’t pay the dentist and felt very ashamed in front of the people. It was the first time in years that he decided to take care of his health (I was sooo happy he called to have an appointment) and I felt so bad for him… Wish the credit card didn’t work when he wanted to buy cigarettes… He decided that now on, he would carry 100 euros in cash on him. I didn’t agree much but I accepted (I didn’t have the choice).

Worse, we played together cards (Belote, coinche… no poker). He liked playing Belote and we made 70 euros with 7 euros in 3 days. Day 1, we played for 30 minutes. Day 2, we played for 2 hours. Day 3, he started playing without me and betting more and more while we agreed on a max amount of each bet. Day 4 he looses it all and wins it back (without me again). I see how it became the first thing he does when he comes back from work. Looks like it already became an obsession. Day 4 (I was going on vacation the day after), I ask him to stop playing in order to spend some time together. He stops. Talks 5 minutes then start watching a football game. I understood he disliked the fact that I asked him to stop and went to bed. He came to bed at 2 am. He played since 9pm as soon as I left him; during that time he lost it all and got it back. I saw the history and warned that we agreed to never bet more that 5% of our capital.

I left on vacation on the 6th of May. It is the first time that we are separated since he decided to stop gambling. On the 8th of May he calls me to say that he wired me 180 euros. He was happy but didn’t say where they came from. He said it will cover the losses he had on the card sites (70 euros). I noticed that day that changed the password of the gambling sites (sports and cards)… I understood but didn’t say anything.

On the 10th of May, he doesn’t go to work. He is soooo anxious that he can’t take himself out of the appartment. He says he cannot stop thinking of how to get out of the entire situation (the debt, the work stress, offering me a better life…). It is more and more clear in my mind but I support him through this hoping he would tell me what happened.

On the 11th of May, he calls to say that the amount I sent on his credit card and that was supposed to be enough for the month was over. He asked me to transfer the 180 euros. I got sooo upset and asked for an explanation (I saw the name of the betting site on the 180 euros wire). He actually injected “real money” (I think the 100 euros cash he had) in sports bet and wired me the money he won.

He was very nervous. He says he have done this for me. That it was to give me back the money he lost on the cards site. That if he was playing for himself, I would never get a money transfer. He would gamble till no money is left. He is tired of me controlling his finances (it have only been 2 months). He can’t bear it anymore and wants his bank accounts back.

I know it is not my fault. He shouldn’t say it was for me. He is responsible for what happened. Our agreement went from no gambling, to gambling with “free” money to “I can handle my finances on my own”.
I think I created an unclear atmosphere by agreeing on his “free” bets especially that we won some money (I was happy because we bought shoes for him). When he told me he lost the cards money, I said it was totally ok. I didn’t mind. But I know he felt ashamed and wanted to give me this money back. I know that a part of him wanted to do well. He knows I am terribly afraid of seeing a total relapse. I do care about him and love him. He is aware he has got a problem but seems to deny it sometimes. He always keep saying that he is the one bringing the problems to our home but doesn’t take real actions : for example, he never finished the ban procedure / At the beginning we agreed that if he relapses, we would ask for a professional help, he didn’t bring that at all in the phone talk.

He didn’t want to talk on the phone longer (which I do not appreciate but accept), I know he feels ashamed but doesn’t show any remorse this time.

We see each other tomorrow. I fear that moment. I feel lonely (nobody knows about his addiction except us) and fortunately I got support here (online support and groups support)

I am trying my best to help him but I can’t find the balance between taking care of myself and supporting him again.

Thank you in advance for reading this long post that actually relates a short period of time. I will tell you tomorrow or the day after how the talk went. If you have any key techniques that would make this talk run as smoothly as possible, I would appreciate.

[Dunc]

Hello
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Dark Energy]

Hi Romana,
I don’t know what to say, I have been touched by what you have written in your post, I have a gambling addiction and I am in recovery, but there are few points that I need to comment on:
1: you shouldn’t gamble with him, don’t take this activity in easy.
2: limiting the amount to gamble to 5% or 100$ or any other number, didn’t work with anyone I know and will not work. we all tried it simply it will not work. he has to stop completely. if he lapsed or relapsed during that it is a different story but the objective should be to stop all gambling activities.

I will stop here because I think I am not the correct person to give you advice because I am addicted to gambling you need and advice from someone from the other side the spouse or family side.

[Romana]

Thank you dark energy for the reply. It is always good to have the point of view of a person who is in the recovery process. It makes me very hopeful hearing from you.

To give you an update, we met on friday, we didn’t have the “talk”. Maybe are we both avoiding it. We were both happy to get back together and had some peaceful lovely moments.

I feel he wants to try to stop again. He tres to fill his time with other things (music, football and video games)

Unfortunately, yesterday night, I kind of lost our connection and he was getting more and more anxious / avoidant (I don’t even know exactly why).

Let’s see what today brings us…

[Dark Energy]

Hi Romana,
you may hate me or the other members in this forum may hate me for writing the below but this what I will advise my sister if she is in your place.

1: be selfish, you are the priority, take care of yourself don’t let anyone pull you down with him if someone is drowning and you need to help him, yes help him but in a way that will not lead you to drown with him. you are the most important person in your life then after that comes helping others.

2: addiction is something that we live with, it is like diabetes something that you need to take care of for the rest of your life. keep this in your mind. don’t think it is a year or two then everything will be normal no it is a life issue.

3: don’t give him your money, don’t give him any loan, don’t encourage him to take a loan even to consolidate some other higher-interest debts. more cash more risk of relapse.
4: you should check he is in which stage of recovery 🙁 pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance)
5: if you still at the shores, I mean you both are not married, or still don’t have kids, or were not together for a long time, then consider walking away as an option that you may need to take it. especially if he is not cooperating, you are signing in for a long life relationship with someone who has a long time illness, your life will be miserable if he continues in this behavior.
6: in the other hand you could live a normal happy life if he is convinced he has an issue and if he was open with you about everything, you can win but together.
7: if you are together don’t mix accounts, keep your account separated, and have control over his accounts because any money with him will be at risk, and he will have more urges to gamble, so keeping the money away will solve 80% of the issue.
8: you can play a big role in his recovery but he needs to allow you to play that role.
9: there is a lot of online meetings, some of them under GA some of them under smart recovery, attend one or two meetings for the family partners, and attend a meeting for the gamblers, you can get good help in these meetings.
below is the link for GA meeting
https://gamblersinrecovery.com/
and you can find smart recovery meetings in the below link
https://www.smartrecovery.org/
ps: I don’t like the GA meeting I prefer SMART but you can attend both and get as much information as you can. the more you know about addiction the more you can help yourself and others.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Dunc.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Dunc.

[Romana]

Hi Dark Energy,

Thank you for the reply… it touches me to see how dedicated you are in your answers.

1. I am trying to keep myself first. It is hard as helping used to be sth that made me truly happy.
2. I am trying to learn more and more about this illness
3. I already did before knowing about the gambling issue. I still do believe he will reimburse me.
4. I think he is in the contemplation phase and he made some baby steps into preparation but no firm actions have been made till now.
5 and 6. I give an update lower…
7. No joint accounts. He believes that our problems come from the fact that I check everything he does. He wants to take back the control. He wants to take his responsibilities for being my partner. I like the part of him taking the responsibilities seriously but I suspect it is just a way to gamble without me interfering…
8. Exacrly what I told him
9. Thank you for the support… I truly appreciate all of your advice.

Well, we talked yesterday. He truly sees how he makes me sad and he feels ashamed to take the smile out of my face. He doesn’t even understand why am I still standing by his side.

I didn’t make any ultimatum but it is him that surprisingly did. He said that if he didn’t act like a good partner for me in a month, that means that he doesnt deserve me. As long as he didn’t figure out his life, he can not make me happy. I told him I hated that ultimatum. We discussed the therapy that he “accepted” but I felt it was more me pushing him. We also talked about gambling, he believes he already changed a lot in 2 months. He is not gambling the way he used to do. He though still wants to gamble from time to time. I guess he still believes that it can take him out of his financial situation faster… Right niw he hates his job because it reminds him everyday of his professional failure. He attended high school but struggled finding a first job in his field. When he got accepted, he never dedicated his time to learn, felt overwhelmed and left many career opportunities…

These words said, I felt our relationship was already over, we don’t need that month… I told him that I didn’t want to give up on him but he wished me good luck for the “after him”. We both kept silent after.

I know I shall find happiness elsewhere but right now I am terribly sad. Of course I can move on. Of course I can put myself first. Of course I am tired of being sad. But I had hopes that I truly believed could become true…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Romana

You have done so well writing your posts and I am glad that Dark Energy has taken time to reply to you.

The addiction to gamble is not about money; your partner gambles because he wants to ‘gamble’ – it is not to buy shoes or to make you happy – these are not his priorities however much he says otherwise. He needs money to gamble and his addiction tells him that gambling will get him that money – it is a vicious cycle.

I had to learn this tough lesson, Romana. I believed the gambler in my life felt sad for me and was sorry for what he was putting me through. When he did eventually turn his life around, he told me that he had only ever felt sad for himself.

You are obviously a very kind person, wanting to see the best in your partner but in my opinion, that is unwise. Until he can trust himself and you can see the difference, it is best that you do not trust his words. Only actions make a difference, Romana. Your boyfriend has been letting you do the worrying – he must take responsibility if he is to change.

I am not sure whether your final paragraphs mean that you have truly walked away so I will await your reply before I write anymore. I do know your partner can change his life and live a wonderful gamble-free or I wouldn’t be here but he has to take action.

Look after yourself Romana. It would be great if you could pop into a Friends and Family group so that we can ‘talk’ in real time, it is private and safe.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by velvet.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Romana,
I believe Velvet can give you better advice than me, from her replies I can see she is the specialist in the family and friends part.
based on what you wrote I really have concerns, because I think he still in the pre-contemplation, he still thinks of gambling as a solution for his problem, he still trying to have access to money to feed his addiction, and regarding the money that he borrowed from you, I believe he will return it once he gets his life together again, he is not a bad person he is a good person with a bad problem.
in his mind, he thinks that he will take this money he will gamble it and “win” and then he will return the money back and solve part of his financial issues with what he won, this irrational thinking will lead to losing more and more,
the point at which the change will start is when he will admit that he has a problem, and gambling is not the solution to his problem, in fact, it is the problem itself. and he has to stop gambling completely at this stage the recovery starts and you can work together to fight this addiction. which is not an easy way, it is a long and hard way.

Romana, I am really touched by your story because you still at the shores, you are not a gambling addict, you are not yet the spouse, and the gambler is not a brother or father or any other family member. you can just walk away and avoid the suffering that this addiction may bring to your life.
but you chose to give him a chance, and you are searching and trying to understand how to deal with this addiction. I think by now you have a better idea about this addiction and you can take your decision. and remember don’t be emotional your life is the priority and then the others.

[Romana]

Velvet, Dark Energy,

Thank you so so much for your input.

I feel way lighter after reading your posts.

I have been in a sad mood today beacause the idea of breaking up was painful. First, he comforted me saying he is not intending to leave me, that he is willing to make me happy, that he is going to change… Then a long dicussion followed. He felt I had doubts about the relationship and used that against me saying he can not stay with someone that do not totally trust the relationship. He decided to move out of my place as soon as possible “so I can think calmly”. He says I failed in managing the situation in 2 months, I was very intrusive, looked at things I shouldn’t, acting like a police man… When I replied that it was only because he failed at stoppping gambling, he got confused. I told I had never doubts about the relationship when he was willing to stop gambling. I have doubts now that he doesn’t feel any remorse for gambling and willing to do it again.

I felt he removed me from his way because I was the only reason he doesn’t gamble. Eventhough I told him how much I want to stay by his side, he wants me to reconsider everything. He says he can not offer me more than what he gives me now. That I do not appreciate all the efforts he have made to be here (keeping a job he hates, not having any break, “stopping” the big gambling).

I really think it is over. Our love is not enough as he says.
It broke my heart but we looked for a flat for him (never saw him taking action that quickly). He even asked me if he can afford an hotel till he finds a place. He doesn’t want to share my bed anymore.

His coldness makes me feel it is mind games… but that’s a whole other subject.

I am sad also because I missed the french discussion group… Last week I hoped he would attend it with me.

To be honest, a part of me says I would be happier without all this but another part is terribly sad for moving away…

In the end, he took the decision for us, I hope it is the right one and he won’t relapse totally.

[velvet]

Dear Romana,

I suspect that you are right and your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you. You are a lovely sensitive person and he knows it.

He appears to be trying to put the blame on to your shoulders by saying that you failed him in managing the situation. These are not the words of a man accepting he has an addiction or is even preparing to begin to take responsibility for his actions. What has ‘he’ done in the last few months to manage his situation, has he gone to GA or sought counselling?

Has he now left to go to an hotel or was this just more words? If he has left then you are not responsible for him. If he sinks deeper into his addiction it will not be your fault, it will be his choice. He can save himself but he has to want to do it.

Please keep posting and maybe join me tomorrow evening in a F&F group. Its horrible when you have nobody to talk to but I will be here listening and I do care, you are not alone.

Take care of yourself

Velvet

[Romana]

Dark Energy and Velvet,

Again, I can’t thank you enough for the relief I feel after reading your replies.

He is definetly not willing to seek for a professional help. Though, he always succeeds in making me doubt he is manipulating me. He clearly assumes he is the one that is bringing the problems. The fact that he wired me what he won instead of gambling it is also something I don’t fully understand.

Anyway, hopefully, he managed to borrow money and took his stuff to sleep in the hotel for the upcoming nights (yesterday it was late and he slept on the couch). That talk created an awkward atmosphere and I am avoiding any further discussion. My job is keeping me very busy and helping me forget about the pain.

Talk later Velvet 🙂
Romana

[Dark Energy]

happy for you Romana, I can see you are handling the situation very well.

[velvet]

Hi Romana

I’m sorry we got cut off so quickly last night, I wasn’t thinking about time, as usual!

What I wanted to add to everything we talked about was that whatever decision you make; you will be understood. I cannot tell you what to do, I can only walk with you.

It was great to ‘talk’ in real time and I hope to ‘see’ you again

As Ever

Velvet

[Romana]

Thank you very much as always…

To give an update, I gave him back his credit cards yesterday. He was nervous and upset because there were only 300 euros left and it was not enough for a rent (I took his participation to our rent this month as he asked me but that didn’t seem to please him…).

He never directly asked me for money but have shown me that he wanted financial help (though when I suggest to help, he refuses at the beginning and accepts when I insisted). I only gave him money without asking when I didn’t know about his addiction. Till now, he never reimbursed me.

Later yesterday night, I went to see him and told him that I am here to help. He nodded and almost ignored me.

I know some of the money is going to be gambled today but I also think he will book an hotel with some of it for the upcoming days. When we received his salary this month, I wired 400 euros to one of his old friends that I personnaly know (Strange for a gambler to give his money while indebted, right? / He was happy to be able to help his friend for once as it was “I think” his first savings ever). Maybe he will get it back to rent a flat or probably will it be when he receives his salary.

I am sad to know he gambles again. I am afraid the addiction is going to dig him deeper and deeper again. I am sad to see him leave our place. I am disappointed. But, well, I understood that if he doens’t want of my help, I can’t force him. I understood that the only time he “really” asked for my help was when he was in the middle of a crisis (not a penny left).

A part of me is afraid I misjudged him because I have mixed signs but I guess it is my love for him that is blurring the image… I can’t help but think that I was indeed very intrusive, that I didn’t pardon any of his gambles though it was small amounts comparing to before, that he really gambled on his own to give me back what he lost…

I decided I am letting him do whatever seems right to him.

I hope he will remember me with nice thoughts…

[Romana]

Since it is a journey, here are some news.

I am feeling better. The pain is less heavy though the memories are still vivid (sad and happy ones).

We don’t talk anymore except saying good morning and good evening… sad hein…

As Velvet said, I am seeing more and more how everything he says is just empty words…

He didn’t book any hotel. He didn’t search actively for a flat. The only thing he did those last days is gambling all the money on the credit card.

Now I am wondering how to get him out of my place without creating any conflict. I am afraid he would stick here…

[velvet]

Hi Romana

I am so pleased you are feeling better, it is important that you keep your spirits up.

It is also important that you protect your own finances and possessions while he is under the same roof.

Is there anybody where you work that you can talk to or a friend you can trust.

Maybe you could find a Gam-Anon group, which is the sister to GA and offers support to Friends and Family. it is good to be in the same room as people who understand you. I feel as though I am sitting in the same room as you when we ‘talk’ but I know it isn’t the same as physically being with someone.

Keep posting and talking Romana, I can hear in your words that you are strong but this is a very difficult time for you.

As Ever

Velvet

[Romana]

Back with some news…

He didn’t leave. He accuses me of all sins but wants us to stay together. He is absolutely not honest. I found new proofs he gambled just right after he moved in with me (didn’t say anything about it yet).
He had some bad days, I did my best to comfort him at that time. I thought it was because of all the changes (no gambling, new city, new job). Now I understand, his mood swings were only related to loosing bets…

Friday, I thought our story was really over. He texted me to have a talk before he would “disappear from my life”. I was calm and okay with the idea of breaking up.

As the discussion went along, he wanted me to say that I want him back but I never said these words. He wants us back but we don’t talk anymore about the whole gambling thing. I remained silent. I love him. He knows it. I couldn’t say that I want him to leave. I couldn’t say that I want him to stay. We argued about the fact that he took off all the barriers he settled. He was upset saying he is very proud of the efforts he have made since he didn’t gamble all his salary as he used to do.

Now he does everything to win me back (except taking actions to control his addiction), he acts as a sweetheart. It is so disturbing to think it is just manipulation.

I am ok but I have that “backyard” sadness that he doesn’t seem to understand. He keeps asking me why am I different and I keep replying that I am ok.

I am sad because I can’t tell him that I know since when he really relapsed (I feel I am avoiding that discussion because he wants me to give him a chance).
I am sad because I realize he is not ready for a change right now and I wished it was the right time.

Why do I worry that he won’t be able to pay for his transport pass and for his phone bill, he even couldn’t meet his friends during the weekend because he has no money left for a train ticket… I keep acting as if I thought he didn’t gamble anything… He keeps acting as if he didn’t gamble anything.

[velvet]

Hi Romana

I think you will agree with me that if cannot pay for his transport pass or his phone bill and therefore, cannot meet his friends, the only person he should be blaming is himself. If he carries on gambling, he will miss a lot more than just seeing his friends.

The addiction to gamble gets worse, unless it is treated. Your boyfriend is not accepting how serious his gambling is and maybe he has to hurt himself a lot more before he accepts responsibility – but if you paid his bills you are in effect paying his gambling debts and if you clear those, then he has no incentive to look at his own behaviour and seek help.

Maybe you could tell him that you do know about his latest slips and ask him how you are supposed to trust him when he doesn’t tell the truth.
Dramatic texts and blaming you are distractions.

I understand why you couldn’t say you wanted him to leave or that you wanted him to stay; what you want is for him to seek support -but until he does. I think you can have very little trust in his words, if any.

I know that being strong is so very tough but you are doing it for him as well as you.

Hoping to ‘see’ you tomorrow evening.

You are doing well.

Velvet

[Romana]

Thank you Velvet! As always, your words are a lullaby to me. I feel such a comfort and support. It empowers me.

I am actually acting like a crap these days. I do not show any will to do anything at home. My smiles and laughs are half sincere. He is not the center of my attention anymore (and to be honest, I feel a little guilty). And it is starting to unplease him.

If there is sth I will never do, it is giving him money. I am totally aware of the enabling cycle and will be always safe financially.

I am going to try to talk about what I know and ask him how can I trust him.

We were supposed to go for a drink today but he didn’t talk about it at all this evening. I told he seemed not ok and we should do that on another day.

I think he gambled and won some money cause he bought some weed… he prefers staying alone. It doesn’t bother me.

See you later Velvet! 🙂

[Romana]

Here I am.

I had my talk.

This time it was my talk cause I said what I had in my head and in my heart.

It was quiet.

I said I couldn’t keep for myself that I know he gambled and is still gambling. He had that dark look I hate and didn’t reply.

I told him that deep inside I wished he chose me over gambling. That I know he never chose to have this addiction and understand that he is not ready yet for a change.

His only answer was silence then saying he chose me and that he gambled in fact. Always that dark look… He added I will get used to his silence and won’t ask anymore. I finally clearly pronounced the words that the situation doesn’t suit me and that I want to break up.

I wrote down all the websites and institutions he can reach to get help. Gave him that paper with a big hug. Wished him to taste the happiness of a gamble free life.

And here I am. Alone in my bed. I have that peace I made the right choice.

I am seeing a therapist tomorrow. I think I am even ready to share my story with some close friends.

I still have that slight hope our break up would make him fight to get out but I am ready to give up on that dream.

Thank you for everyone that red my story. I hope my voice helped you feel less lonely. I am still in love with a gambler but my journey is over.

[Dark Energy]

Hi Romana,
I feel really good reading your last post, compare it with your first post, you sound more strong and more in control happy for you. you have done the right things.

this event indeed could be his rock bottom and he could start his recovery because of this event. I hope he will recover.

[jornweick]

I would say that you are a brave person and the one who takes risks with understanding

[brenda01]

Ramona

I am glad you are feeling better. Never help someone who won’t help themselves when it comes to addiction. It is a dark, long process but it has to ultimately be him who wants the recovery.

[velvet]

Dear Romana

It has been too long since I talked to you and I apologise. I always hope to see you reappear in a group so we could really open our hearts to each other.

I cannot see how you could ever have got used to his silence and black looks, they were hurting you too much and you should be free of pain and the fear of his moods.

You are special Romana, you have shown courage when so many others, understandably, feel they cannot go on. Setting free, someone we love, does seem contrary; it isn’t what anybody would would expect to have to do when love enters their life but the addiction to gamble can and does become too much for many.

There is no shame in walking away Romana and you should feel no guilt; you did all you could but he didn’t want to be free of his addiction enough to face it and take control. Hopefully your brave stand will help him in the future when he wakes up to how much he is hurting himself and there is nobody else to blame.

It would be great to hear from you again although I know it has been a while. I am still there every Tuesday and Thursday.

As Ever

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by velvet.

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