[soulsearching17]

It’s funny I came on here with all intentions of starting a journal and introducing myself etc however now the page is staring at me, willing me to fill it with words, I have gone blank.

OK, lets try! I am a 34 year old mum of two and I have been a compulsive gambling addict for near on 10 years. I have used gambling as a way to escape my life and to hide from feeling anything, except I have learnt that it actually causes the opposite. I feel a lot! Guilt, anger, humiliation, sadness, failure to name a few.
I attended the Gordon Moody women’s program and the whole process gave me valuable insight into the truths of this horrible nasty addiction and the life it had cruelly stolen from me for so many years.

I promised myself that on returning home I would try to make my life different, to find myself, be kinder to myself and find some self worth that perhaps I deserved after all. Oh how this fell apart quicker than it began 🙁

On returning home, it became apparent that the support network I believed I had did not really exist, I felt lonely, isolated and had no-one to turn to. Family members believed that as i’d attended rehab, that was it. I was cured! I was still in a controlling relationship of 10 years and still had a controlling director at work. Both of which continued to make my life miserable. Guess you know where this is heading……. yes! I returned to the familiar comfort of the gambling wolf…. I relapsed badly and hid away for weeks on end until I wanted to end my life. I hated gambling and I hated living the life I was living. Stuck between 2 evils with no where to turn. My finances which were sorted with a debt management plan got out of control again and things were so bad that I have been advised to petition for my own bankruptcy. This was hard to swallow but after a lot of thought it seems the best option of starting over. I will have to pay into it as I work full time, yet maybe in a few years I can start over and look back at all this and learn valuable lessons. My hearing is booked in on Tuesday morning…. eeek.

To date I have been gambling free for 5 days and I am concentrating on everyday as it comes. My relationship has hit a point where I no longer absorb the horrible things said to me and I limit the time that I am around him. If i’m unlucky I see him twice a week now which is much better and with time i’m sure I will find the strength to leave it once and for all. I am still trying to find a solution to my job and director but hey….. Rome was not built in a day.

I am learning to smile again and work out what it is that I like doing for myself. Learning to give myself a break more. I can speak out and I can have an opinion and that is OK.

Lastly before I go……… A random act of kindness!!

Sat in work today, the ‘Big Issue’ Lady was stood outside the shop selling her magazines. This lady is out in all weathers and I have witnessed that people can be really cruel. One lady that went past shouted at her ‘go home’ this upset me as we are all human beings despite what walk of life we are from. I have given small amounts of money to the big issue lady before, I never take a magazine though, just give her the money. Today as i’m sat in the warm at my desk watching the world go by I felt a coffee was in order, I locked the shop for a moment and went and asked her if she’d like a hot drink. I gave her £2.50 again without taking a magazine and she cried, I gave her a hug and she said ‘sorry’ I told her not to be sorry or upset. It turns out this lady had to leave her children behind in Romania and her husband was murdered. This is a person that has nothing and yet still stands there day in day out for people to abuse her and make her life more hellish than it already is.

This hit home to me that whatever my woes are or my feelings of self pity, there are people out there that are a whole heap worse off than me. I will remember this every time I go to make a bad choice. Oh and before I forget, yes I did make her a coffee and told her if she ever wants a hot drink to come in and see me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it ‘Director’ 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi Soulsearching,
I have written about there is no such thing as a coincidence on my own thread. Amazingly today also I gave the lady selling the big issue a bigger than usual donation on my way to the coffee shop. As I sat having coffee I noticed her leave to go home .
I was so sad to see her shabby shoes, and how her feet seems to lean over for lack of support. She is elderly and we communicate with smiles, due to the language barrier. I keep meaning to say come with me to the cafe but somehow I have not managed to pick up the courage to do so..(actually for ages I couldn’t afford to !!!!!)

Interestingly this lady has been for years, part of my “big win dream” .

So SS, we are good people, who for whatever reason have developed a gambling disorder. We need to find new behaviours to replace this, and we really need to start believing that we are truly worth spending our money on.

I would say keep telling your self that you are a kind,generous thoughtful person , who happens to have a gambling disorder.
What has helped me most is refusing to be a “cg”! Refusing to label myself anything negative and refusing to accept when others do it. I am a person with a gambling disorder. It is a tiny part of me… So tiny that I can control it.
When I finally really internalised this , all my gambling urges disappeared .
Please continue to write about all the good stuff you do, think and want .
I think we felt so ashamed and so full of remorse we ended up gambling in the hope that a big win would put everything right.

Blow your own trumpet on here. You are a wonderfully caring person…so much so that you have tolerated people in your life who are detrimental to you.

You are in recovery. You are managing this disorder. Yes you paused for a few lessons along the way but here you are, now, today , gamble free.

Well done .. Never change the caring person you are.

[soulsearching17]

Thank you very much for your post and the lovely comments Sad. It warmed my heart to know that there are like minded people out there. I’m sure with time my self worth will return and I will feel like I am the caring person you mentioned. My plan is to take every day as it comes and give myself a break and a pat on the back with every small victory. I no longer want to be a victim of the past and the cruel events that have shaped my life to date, I want to regain control and find out what it is like to live again.

Just from what you have written in response, I can sense that you are a thoughtful, caring and like minded person and I would love to hear from you again, perhaps you could share some tips or useful places I should visit on the site as I am still trying to find my feet.

Thank you once again Sad for taking some time to respond, i really appreciate it and you lifted my day 🙂

Take care and keep up the amazing good work.

[soulsearching17]

Its Saturday morning and I have already had a little victory, every week on a Saturday I receive my tax credits and every week I jump out of bed on auto pilot and blow the lot usually before 10am. I then sit at work worrying myself sick all day wondering how am I going to survive the week. How am I going to get the kids lunches? what needs paying this week that I can now not afford to pay? what excuses can I use this week? etc etc… Well not this week…

I am sat at work like every Saturday, yet this time I have made it to the bank and taken out the cash so that I have no means to spend a penny on those dreaded poisonous online slots. No sitting all day stressing or making myself sick. phew!! instead i’m able to write this and celebrate my little victory and concentrate on the day ahead.

Last night, I had an enjoyable evening with my 12 year old daughter and 5 year old nephew. I walked them to the shops to get some treats for a movie night, stopped at the park on the way back, cooked some nutritious dinner and then watched a film with them. I do not remember the last time I felt able to indulge in things that I’d like to do without feeling guilty. The kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves too so it was a win win.

I really feel that my motivation is returning and I seem to function much better when I am not around my so called partner, I know that speaks volumes, I’m just not ready to tackle it yet.

Back to last night, I set myself 2 tasks to complete and they were to tidy my bedroom (I sound like a teenager haha) it is a dumping ground for everything bought up from downstairs and also doubles as a laundry room. Secondly to sort and do the washing so that I did not need to spend my only day off on Sunday doing it. I was so pleased with myself as I achieved both and also after cooking a delicious dinner, I carried on with the motivation by cleaning the kitchen.

These might sound like everyday things but when you suffer from severe depression, these are major goals to achieve.

Today the goal I have set myself is to plow through the rest of my bankruptcy forms ready for Tuesday. To say I have been procrastinating with these is a tiny understatement so today is the day. I will check back later to update the progress or to SCREAM…… one or the other!!

Wow I really do feel better just writing things down, great therapy. Signing off for now. x

[Anonymous]

YAhoo SS, you are in recovery and enjoying the rewards of your hard work . I am so like you. I have always been safe with cash so I needed to empty my bank account. Well done ..

Recovery rocks !!!

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[soulsearching17]

I have messed everything up again. I can not even bring myself to talk, I am that choked. Perhaps death looks a brighter option for all involved!!!

Must get a grip!!

[Anonymous]

What I love about life is that we can always start again. No matter how bleak things seem, we just have to ride it out until we get next get paid and then we can start again.

Please though , ring the Samaritans and chat to them . It is free, anonymous and why not? It can only help.

You have a gambling disorder . This means you indulge in behaviour that is not good for you. So you did this …and you feel shame and disappointment , possibly fear and worry about finances.
You know what Soulsearching , probably everyone of us on here have felt like you do now at one time or another .i can speak from experience… Life does get better.

Your 12 year old daughter loves you whether you have £10million or 10p to survive on. You are her rock In life regardless of your human faults . We all mess up sometimes . Actually .we probably all mess up often ..

You can’t change yesterday. Take whatever steps you need to take to change today . Write a longer post please as we have all been there and we can all give you advice about how we got through it.

[soulsearching17]

It seems like every time I start again or take a step forward, I fall harder and take a million steps back. I hate myself and just wish it would stop.

I’ve looked into emotionally unstable personality disorder in more depth today since losing everything this morning, I don’t understand why I have it and why it makes me the way I am. Not only am I fighting the horror that is being a cg but also the delights of mental health issues that I can not control. I’m sorry for whinging on here, I’ve tried to find support all day and nothing has helped me feel better about what I have done.

I declared myself bankrupt on Tuesday which was awful and triggered emotions and feelings that I could not keep control of. I still have not heard anything from the official receiver etc and with everything consuming my mind I wanted to run away and escape like always. I got paid and within 8 hours blew all of my wages. I have paid no rent, no council tax, bills etc and have not a penny left. How can I put my children through this time and time again?? what sort of mother am I? I have no idea what the official receiver will say when they do finally contact me…… I think I have messed up royally and see not a glimmer of light!!

Choked, terrified and alone…… So stupid!!!

[Anonymous]

What sort of mother are you? You are a mother who loves her children dearly (how many do you have ?) . You are also (like me) a mother who has a gambling disorder.

Everyone on this forum has spent money gambling which would have been better spent on something else. We have all made mistakes .

I am afraid I am not an expert on mental health issues , but I do understand that going through bankruptcy can add a huge extra strain. It might be helpful to talk to someone who understands,and I hope you are not offended but I searched and found this organisation which has a daily helpline .

Home

It might be useful to talk to them or text. You will feel less alone .

there is nothing you can do either way about the bankruptcy except let it run it’s course now, so worrying about it won’t help. I know this is easier said than done, and I have to admit I obsess about stuff myself .

Have you enough money to feed your kids this week SS? Is there anyone who can help you ?

[soulsearching17]

Thank you Sad for talking to me. I will have a look on the link thank you, I am not offended at all, quite the opposite.

I think that I have burnt most of my bridges when it comes to turning anywhere for help, what with the ‘this time will be the last time’ ‘I promise I will stop’ etc etc. I will figure out how to feed kids somehow, that is what us Mums do.

Perhaps after some sleep, I will reassess everything with a clearer head and start to make better sense of it all. I really hope I can sleep a bit tonight as last night I could not with sick and worry and yet I still blew the last of what I had this morning chasing my losses……. There has to be more to life than this?? where and why did it all go so wrong…!!

Ok, giving myself a stern talking to, going to have a look on sane.org and then home to try to sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day and the fight starts again.

Thank you Sad, you truly are a life saver….. I’d given up hope and lost the will to fight. ODAAT. I know its not going to be easy at all but I have to think of my Son and Daugher.

[Anonymous]

SS , please try to join some of the groups on here .. You will get real practical advice on how to stop gambling . Rem, you are so worth it. You will sleep tonight and the world will look brighter tomorrow ..xxx

[soulsearching17]

Thank you again. I have been on a couple of the groups and they are always empty? Is there a particular time/ group to go on etc. I would like to join them.

I will come on tomorrow and update on how my evening went.

Enjoy your evening Sad whatever you may be doing. Happy Halloween. xx

[charles]

Hi Soul searching.

It sounds like you have tried the “Open Groups”, they are unmoderated and, as you have found, you don’t always find someone there to talk to.

All the other types of group have a moderator so there will always be someone who you can talk to.

Hopefully I will see you in one of those soon.

Keep posting.

[Author]

Posts