- This topic has 9 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 2 years, 5 months ago by ambmm.
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10 June 2021 at 10:58 pm #77944ambmmParticipant
Today I realised I’ve only been a problem gambler for 17 years not 21 years. And you know what? I’m taking that as a win.
I’m into my 3rd week of the Gordon Moody women’s course and think I’m doing quite well. It’s quite intense so lord knows what the residential course would have been like.
It’s really good speaking to other women who like me have a gambling addiction. One of the women on the course has named us her Moody girls.
The thing I’ve found most helpful so far is taking Mindful Breathing Spaces. It helps me stop going on a downward spiral when I’m feeling stressed.
At the moment I refuse to be overwhelmed by feelings of shame and self loathing. I have an addiction and feel sympathy towards other addicts so should have sympathy for myself too.
I’m liking myself, which is something I haven’t done in such a very long time.
Now back to the title of this journal.
When I say who would’ve thunk it, what I mean is who would’ve thought that I would ever feel what I feel now.
In the past I always thought that the only way I would stop gambling is when I was dead. A couple of times I’ve wanted to kill myself because I believed it so strongly.
I’d read stories of other people who had stopped gambling and thought that that would never be me.
Well now it’s the total opposite – I strongly believe that I can stop gambling.
I accept that I can’t do it without help, but that’s okay.
I decided on 1/1/21 that that was the last time I would gamble online and apart from one lapse a month ago, I haven’t. But I just replaced it with other ‘terrestrial’ forms of gambling.
That’s why this Gordon Moody course is so necessary for me. -
11 June 2021 at 9:41 am #77950ambmmParticipant
Realisation
My daughter has just told me that her partner’s Nana has had a Stroke.
I barely know his Nana – I’ve spoken to her 3 or 4 times in the last 4 months. But I’m thinking of all the things I could be doing to help her – making sure she’s getting the right treatment, getting help from Adult Social Services re adaptations to her home.
Every time I perceive something as a problem I feel I have to start thinking of solutions – a lot of the time when it’s really nothing to do with me.
That’s why taking Mindful Breathing Spaces is so good for me. -
12 June 2021 at 12:08 pm #77965ambmmParticipant
Day 3
Without the distraction of a gambling addiction I’m starting to see how bored I am with my partner.
He comes home from work and watches TV or surfs the net till bedtime.
He expects all the housekeeping perks of being in a relationship but gives very little in return.
I’m starting to hate being in the same room as him – watching him slumped on the chair, transfixed by the screen.
Before I was so full of self loathing that I felt I didn’t deserve happiness but now I’m thinking I do – and so does he cos he can’t be happy with his life too.
I have my one to one as part of the Gordon Moody programme soon so will mention it then.
I suspect he’s one of my gambling triggers so need to get things in place to stop me relapsing. -
13 June 2021 at 4:38 pm #77981ambmmParticipant
Day 4 and yet another realisation.
My body’s health affects my mental health.
Take yesterday’s post. Yes I am bored with my partner and he does grate on me. But the reason that taking Mindful Breathing spaces didn’t help yesterday was because I woke up in pain and was in pain for the rest of the day, and woke up this morning in pain too. I went back to bed after the grandkids left and slept from 10.30am to 2.30 pm.
Woke up feeling much better so more positive.
I seem to do this every weekend.
I’m going to have to find an effective treatment for my pain. I know I won’t take painkillers constantly- neither OTC or prescribed. Just like I know I’m not depressed so won’t take anti-depressants.
I think this is yet another trigger. -
19 June 2021 at 2:16 am #78021ambmmParticipant
Not too sure where this trigger has come from, or why, but I’ve got a little voice in my head saying go to bingo, it’ll be okay – and justifications are coming thick and fast. But I know it’s a slow burning urge and the only way it will be fine is for me not to give in to the urge.
Actually I think I do know where it’s come from. Part of the Gordon Moody program is one to one sessions with a counsellor and we’re doing my timeline at the moment. My early years weren’t great and I’m not content in my current relationship. I’m 55 and with a man who feels more like a friend/child than a partner. But I want him to change and keep hoping he will. Just it’s been like that pretty much since we got back together 7 years ago.
I don’t trust my instincts. It feels easier accepting the status quo. -
19 June 2021 at 3:13 pm #78023ambmmParticipant
Yesterday I didn’t feel good – my body ached, especially my knees, and I felt exhausted.
I went to bed at 8pm and woke up for a couple of hours at 12.30am – even wrote in this journal.
Have decided I’m going to try and lose some weight – mostly to see if it relieves my aches and pains tbh. If I lose 5 stone I’ll have a BMI of 24.9.
So today I started the Rosemary Conley FAB diet (I’ve had the book for years).
I’ve also been out in the back garden most of the day and even cut half the grass. I had to pace myself though.
So now I’m feeling quite good.
I haven’t done any tidying up in the house, basically because I don’t want to.
I feel like I’m finally working towards becoming the person I want to be. Not who I feel I ought to be and also not who my close family want me to be.
I feel another sleep coming on 👍. -
29 June 2021 at 12:20 am #78177ambmmParticipant
Been a while since I wrote in my journal. Still haven’t gambled but had the urge to yesterday – but I recognised the trigger n tbh felt too exhausted to to even try to gamble. I’ll take the win 👍
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6 July 2021 at 12:25 pm #78270ambmmParticipant
Been a week since I last posted. Still haven’t gambled but have wanted to – not the gut wrenching urge I usually have but an urge nonetheless.
Work last week was bad, I constantly feel tired and in pain so am shattered during the day, the work itself is stressful. In fact I’m in the process of applying for another job.
Also my brother rang to say his missus had had a bleed on the brain and was in intensive care in an induced coma. Got an update yesterday that she was off sedation and knew who she was and was speaking. I can’t begin to describe the relief I felt.
Me and my partner were due to go on holiday yesterday and I was worrying about leaving my pregnant daughter and the dogs at home. Her partner has had to self isolate cos his Mam tested positive for COVID-19 so can’t stay with her. And my son has booked to go to Wembley for the Italy-Spain game.
Well we set off on holiday and am so glad we did. Our caravan overlooks the sea so the view is fantastic. It’s on a quiet park – no entertainment so no amusements.
I wish I’d brought the dogs with us too and booked longer.
It’s a lot easier to resist the gambling urge when you recognise what has triggered it.
My brother blew most of his wages last month and the trigger was a nasty work colleague.
Half way through 2021 with only 3 mild gambling lapses is quite an achievement.
Oh and the diet only lasted a week- not the end of the world for me though, not even near. -
8 August 2021 at 11:37 am #78607ambmmParticipant
Over a month since I last posted.
Had my 12th and last group session with GMA on Tuesday but still have 3 one to one sessions left.
Posted on our GMA WhatsApp group with a picture of my newborn granddaughter but only one of the group wrote congratulations – I thought we would keep in touch but it doesn’t look like it’s to be. A shame but understandable.
I’m feeling really good at the moment- no urges and feeling more in touch with myself. I’m trying to be more assertive in my life which is little by little building up my self esteem.
Using mindfulness to keep myself grounded – which is a massive help. And also challenging my many unhelpful thinking traps that I notice.
It’s a lot easier to have positive life goals instead of focusing on negatives. -
26 September 2021 at 3:24 pm #139020ambmmParticipant
Had a lapse on Friday and Saturday. I know why after the fact but at the time I was so lost and overwhelmed I felt the only way I could get through it was to bury myself in my old addiction. Unfortunately I didn’t have the blockers on my phone and computer to stop myself. I have them now though.
I have emailed my GT support worker about it cos doing so means it’s out in the open and I don’t feel like a liar and unworthy of help.
I’m not unworthy – this is just going to be a lapse and not a full return to that terrible addiction.
It’s time to get demand help from the stress and lack of control I feel I have in my home and work life. I just wish I didn’t feel so tired of trying and getting no where. I wonder if I write I am not a doormat a hundred times it will give me the assertiveness I need to get resolution.
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