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Thank you Charles, Lizbeth,Monica and Jen and indeed everyone for such positive encouragement .

I took your advice and read over my previous posts – this is new because I can never bear to read back – I always find I write such drivel it makes me cringe.

I can see exactly where it started to unravel – it was the first time my mother asked me to go. ALthough I said no that night and for several more nights I described how plans were formulating in my head – I had been triggered.

I didn’t have to act on that trigger and I probably wouldn’t have except I couldn’t bear to see my mum disappointed when she had no one to go with some nights later. She actually left the house to go ( I had said no again) and returned looking disappointed.

Now I need to ask myself why was my mum’s visit to the casino more important than my happiness, my peace of mind and my financial wellbeing. This acting on a trigger has caused me so much worry and pain, and continues to do so.

I made the decision to go. Why can other adults prioritise their own needs while I am still people pleasing? Having enough money to survive is a basic human need.
All the way there my inner voice was screaming no – but when I placed that first bet I was lost.

I guess it’s good that I have identified the exact chain of events.

I won’t be home for the next few months – plenty of time to have a robust plan in place.

11 days to get by – I can do it .