Thank you IDI and Monica1.
Woke up at 4:30 but was able to go back to sleep. Wife woke up around 6am and was cleaning the house and litter boxes. She came back to bed and snuggled with me. I got up at 8:30am had coffee and checked the job sites. No new jobs to apply for today.
No responses from my current applications. I can start to apply for Help Desk positions, pay is horrible but better than a grocery store, so I will wait a little longer before changing my resume and online profiles, hope that I can land an engineering job.
Wife is gaining weight, becoming less active. Talking about a low-carb diet for the two of us, stating Jan 1. We are still making love, I guess it makes us feel normal for a little while.
Not sure why she does not hate me. She is still behind me.
Fighting the guilt and shame. Need to stay mentally fit.
Wife continues to talk about moving to Costa Rica. At least we could afford health care. Much too expensive in USA for couples our age unless you get it through work. We watch videos, read books, blogs, this has been our dream and intention for quite some time.
We just did not want to have to do it in a rush.
My mind is coming back. I am fighting the temptation to try and analyze what I did wrong. How could I have done this? What happened to my brain for 9 months? Is this a bad movie or a nightmare? Am I really in this situation?
Yep.
Starting to pray. I am not religious. Praying for the wife to keep her sanity, appears she is not going forward but backword.
I am maintaining the same level of dread, not getting better not getting worse. This sucks.