[jansdad]

Hello everyone. I was away for a while. After relapsing back in February and losing almost 3K on that initial day, I relapsed a few more times bringing the total losses for the period to about $10K.
It was ugly. I hadn’t gambled for 63 days then relapsed and went on a rampage losing a lot more than I would have, had I not refrain from the gambling in the first place.

It would have never been so fatal had I had blockers in place, but I couldn’t cause I was involved in this arbitrage betting scheme that was delivering 4-5% a month on my money. It should have been so sweet too, but in the end I f*cked it all up. Having that money available online was too much for me to handle.

Anyway, I withdrew from the arbitrage system, installed K9 on all of my computers and haven’t gambled since March 6. I didn’t want to post here till I had at least 10 days. It made no sense to post, start counting days and never make it past day 4. It was pathetic.

I felt like gambling yesterday, but I couldn’t because of K9 and today I’m ok.
We’ll see where it goes from here.

[vera]

Making gambling an impossibility is the ONLY way for now JD!
Well done!

[Liberty]

hi Jansdad
I am so sorry about how things have been for you.
I am glad to see you back here, you welcomed me to GT when I joined and wrote a lot of sense to me. I did wonder why I did not see any posts from you recently.
I have K9 and it works well, did you get someone to set the password for you?

[jansdad]

No, I actually set up an email address with a long random password, then set up K9 with another long random password using the email address, then I erased both passwords. 🙂
That did the trick 😉

[p]

Im sorry to hear of your relapses but very glad to see you are straight back on track.. it always gets worse when we gamble it never improves, its progressive so its good you are back on track now. Is there more support you could use, gamblers anonymous, counselling, journalling, just a thought as i always say this is it is the main thing that has worked for me but took me many years to figure it out that i needed to do more for my recovery than i was doing..
Glad you found this site though it is an enormous support and really helps pave the way for our gamble free lives.. keep going, keep trying, every time you fall down get back up, every time you fall learn from it, learn what it is that is missing from your recovery or barriers.. then get back up and keep moving forward.. you are better than this addiction, dont let it suck you in again.. get your armour ready

P

[Liberty]

That is excellent Jansdad I would not have thought of that! I was just a bit concerned as I have known folk set it up themselves knowing the password, which kinda defeats the object, how you feeling at the moment?

[jansdad]

Well I’m not even sure therapy is for me. I mean I like reading other people posts because i can relate to them on so many levels, but pragmatically, I don’t think it did me any good.
Over the last 7-8 years according to my own calculations I probably lost about 50-60 euros a day on average, about 1500-1800 a month that is. Very bad in itself.
Then I started with the therapy, was clean for 63 days, started playing and lost about $10K in 10 days. Quick math: I lost more than double what I normally would have lost had I not refrained from gambling in the first place.

So, I don’t know…

I’m feeling OK now, but I felt ok on day 62 as well and then went on a gambling spree on day 63…

But the truth is, had I had blockers on day 63 I would have lost $300 at the live game and that would be the end of it.

[vera]

You are right, JD!
A CG cannot blame a Gambling Site or a Casino for losing.
I made that point too on BU’s thread. CGs never win! The system these gambling sites use by keeping «our» money floating in air is a temptation to re visit the scene of the crime. In land based casinos you check out immediately. Look at your wad of notes and get a split second to decide whether to walk out or play again. I very seldom walked out. I found the online thing slower and more subtle.
The root cause lies deep within each of us. Every CG knows that!
Glad that blocker is working for you! I need to find one that fits my brain! Any tips?

[vera]

Thanks for taking the time to explain all that JD!
I’m a total dope when it comes to computers! At present I have Betfilter. Don’t ask me how I managed to download it but I did. I learn on the hoof and the hard way! As soon as it expires I will get going on K9.
I’m good at flushing things down the toilet. Usually 50 euro notes!

[vera]

Hope the email I sent you didn’t get lost in space, JD!

[jansdad]

Was out last night, reading now

[charles]

Hi JD,

As Vera has now got it I have edited out your email address.

To you and for anyone else reading I feel i need to mention that this is an open forum on the world wide web. Whilst we can all be as anonymous, or otherwise, as we wish to be, we should also use the same safety precautions we would advise anyone to do in an open forum. As a site we discourage posting personal contact details, anyone wishing to exchange email addresses can do so safely by both parties emailing the office here.

Hopefully see you in a group again soon.

[jansdad]

Thanks Charles. See you in a group soon.

[jansdad]

Day #20 today. Blockers in place otherwise I would mostly like have gambled.

It’s funny how often time it can go either way. Small things can prevent me from gambling and on other occasions small things can trigger gambling.

If I really wanted to gamble I would rip my computers apart, reformatted the drives and I would be gambling. But the fact that it would take 2-3 hours is making it not worth it for me.

Thoughts of gambling come and go. They’re not severe, but if I could gamble easily, I probably would. Obstacles are godsent.

[I_Maverick]

Well done mate, that’s really good. I am on day 11 today and I am sure I would gamble if I didn’t have strong blockers in place. I am in a very low place again today and really struggling to focus on the mess my life is in. The depression just won’t go away.

[vera]

Instant gratification seems to play a big part in gambling, JD. As children, we were encouraged to give up sweets etc for Lent. It’s a lesson for Life ! Of course we didn’t always stick to the resolution but at least it made us conscious of waiting instead of having everything we want right now.
I still apply that «fast» to lots of things in my adult life.
Today I will not gamble .
When I think of the reality of gambling, I see how thwarted «gratification» has become!
Hope you are well!

[jansdad]

They played that «wait for more sweets later» game on me when I was a toddler and I did very well and waited longer than the other kids.

But then with gambling, as you say, instant gratification somehow became very important. Now that I look back, I never enjoyed poker tournaments as much as cash games ‘cos with tournaments you had to wait many long hours before you’d win anything (if at all), whereas with cash games you could win any one hand.

Great point Vera, I never realized before how important role instant gratification plays with us gamblers.

[vera]

To elaborate and open the discussion wider JD , I wonder if that is also the psychology behind keeping withdrawals pending on online gambling sites? They KNOW CGs can’t wait and will inevitably reverse their win to try again. Most online gamblers will report » I withdrew my winnings, then reversed and lost the lot plus more»! What kept me away from online gambling for years was the fact I would have to wait for my money. I just felt it was too long to wait!
«What we are aware of we are in control of, what we are not aware of is in control of us!»

Stay aware!

[jansdad]

Day #30 today. I almost forgot about it.

[I_Maverick]

Haven’t heard from you for a while JD, how are you doing? You are on day 39 now I hope. I had a lapse back on the 2nd April, so now I am on day 12 again. I hate this going back – but the depression is worse than ever. I just cannot focus on what I need to do – this has been going on for too long.

Let us know how you are mate, hope all is good.
best

Mav

[jansdad]

Hey Mate. Day #40 today. Congratulations on your day #13. Sorry to hear about your depressions. i will write more tomorrow. Take care Mate.

[jansdad]

So, yes, I’m having a really «good run». Meaning not gambling and not having urges to gamble. Days, even weeks go by without me even giving it a serious thought.

Blockers in place. I could get around them, but it would take me a couple of hours, so I don’t bother. Vera once pointed out that instant gratification is very important to us gamblers. I back that.

Anyway, I know there’s no reasons to get complacent and lower my guard. I’m trying to figure out though, how come the urges are gone and what is it in this period of my life that made the gambling and the desire to gamble go away. If I could figure that out, maybe I could be better prepared next time the urges emerge.

[vera]

Hi JD!
Good to see you!
I think urges subside when we can’t have what we want without putting up a fight. Having easy access, available funds and time on our hands means we am more likely to gamble. For example, I would always choose the nearest casino despite it’s bad reputation for «paying out»because it means I could have it NOW.
Internet gambling is lethal for CGs because we can have it instantly , 24/7.
Have those blockers in place is preventing your urges from taking over , is my guess!

[butchugly]

I feel afraid sometimes because I don’t have urged. The occasional fleeting thought is about as far as I get at the minute.. Which feels like a good thing but I can’t help but worry if this is the ‘silence before the storm’.. Is it going to hit me with a vengeance? Or am I just one of the lucky ones. Either that or I’ve just come to terms that I’m a CG.. I know there are different types of alcoholics. The ones that crave alcohol all the time and the ones that are fine as long as they don’t have a drop of booze..that drop usually leads to a binge.. I’m guessing I’m one of those in gambling terms. Does that make sense?

[I_Maverick]

How you doing on day 48 mate? I have now hit day 21 today – 3 whole weeks without a gamble.

How are you feeling? I am hoping – praying – that since you haven’t written for a while you have been too busy. I remember my early time on this site you were so supportive and I was such an emotional wreck. I am still an emotional wreck, my business is till going under, my wife is still leaving – but with 21 solid days behind me, and 18 prior to that I am starting to feel more normal. And that means I can cope better with what I need to deal with.

Take care, hope you and your family are well.

mav

[p]

Hoping that wherever you are you are ok.. whatever the situation come and post, we are here.

P

[jansdad]

Day #50 today. Doing ok, no urges. I do wonder however, as butchgirl put it, whether this is just the silence before the storm.
Blockers are in place and i know if it wasn’t for them i probably would have gambled. But they’re there and to get around them would probably take me at least 3 hours, so I don’t bother. As vera once pointed out, there’s something about gambling and instant gratification.
But I don’t have urges, which is good. But I don’t know whether it’s sustainable long term. Would be fantastic if that was the case.

Great job on your 23 days Maverick. I’m proud of you and I root for you.

Regards to you too p. I hope you all are doing ok.

I will check in again soon.

[Adam26]

Day 50 for me tomorrow. We seem to be in this continuing race. I hope to be one day behind you for a very long time!
Keep up the good work.

[I_Maverick]

How are you doing JD? I am on day 29, but my mental health is worse than ever. Cannot stop thinking about I have screwed my life up. I know I need to let it go, it’s in the past, I can’t do anything about it. For my future I need to move on but struggling to. You should be day 56 today, that is so awesome. You are close to beating the 63 – keep posting with your recovery.

take care.

[jansdad]

Hey Mav. You’re right about the numbers, but I came very close to relapsing a couple of days ago. Luckily I talked to a friend and he talked me out of it. I «only» wanted to play a couple of tournaments on PokerStars, no cash games. That was my brain’s plan… We all know how it would have ended.
I had no urges for a few weeks, but they came back a couple of days ago. i wonder if it ever stops during out life times…

Day 29 is great. hang in there pal. And let the past in the past. Nothing you can do about it. There’re, however, one or two things you can do about about the future thought.

[jansdad]

Day #60 today.

[I_Maverick]

Fantastic. How are you dealing with urges? Are you suffering any withdrawel? I am still suffering from deep depression. Take care and really happy for you – beat your last record of 66 days mate.

[jansdad]

I had urges a few days ago for about 2 days, but with help from a friend managed not to act on them. No big urges since.
My previous relapse was on day 63.

Sorry to hear about your depressions, but you know gambling won’t help.
I’m in Ukraine now for a couple of weeks. Maybe you should get away too for a few days or even weeks. Get a different perspective on life.
Keep strong Mate!

[jansdad]

I dreamt last night that I gambled. It wasn’t a lot of money that I gambled in the dream – actually I remember telling myself in the dream ‘OK, it was very little money’, but I remember being so very upset and angry at myself that I gambled that i finally woke up.
It was such a relief when i realized it was only a dream.

I rarely have gamble-related dreams. Other than nights following big losses that is. This is the first one I can remember since I stopped.

[Anonim]

Hi Jansdad, well done on staying gamble free.. The dream is just a reminder to stay clean. You are doing really well!

[jansdad]

Day #70 today. Had another dream the night before last night where I gambled and I was so angry at myself in the dream again. Was glad when I woke up that it was a dream and that I didn’t actually gamble.

This is the longest I’ve gone without gambling for the last 25 years, maybe longer.
I’ve gone a couple of months without gambling before, but it was never 100% gamble-free like it is now. I would not gamble online, but I would play a live tournament once a month or have an odd bet with a friend every so often. Last 70 days I did not gamble at all.
And it feels so good.

[Fritz]

Great work, making it to 70 days! Have you been able to sort out root causes and work on those? Find some healthy replacement activities? Awesome work, hope you can keep it up for the long run!

[Anonim]

Well done Jansdad. Great to hear how well you are doing !
I would love to hear how your life changed as a result of no gambling ?

[jansdad]

Thanks Fritz and happy. And no, I didn’t figure out exactly why I’m not gambling now and I always gambled in the past. I do have blockers in place and had it not been for them I most likely would have gambled. But it’s probably not only that.

But now I’m starting to reap the benefits of not gambling. My finances stabilized, my moods are not swingy, no anxiety, I’m able to enjoy other things in life and a whole range of other benefits that were not so obvious first several weeks.
Not gambling is a blessing. I hope I can stay away from it for life.

[jansdad]

Day #80 today.

[vera]

WOW!
Fingers xed JD!
Brilliant!

[jansdad]

Yeah, fingers crossed Vera. Feeling good too. It is good not to gamble!

[charles]

Well done on your gamble free time JD, maybe see you in a group again soon.

[I_Maverick]

Dude, just catching up with posts. So pleased for you. Day 54 for me. Hope all is well with you and yours, catch up soon.

[maverick.]

Keep up the good work JD as we both well know when we choose recovery our lives start to get a lot better very quick.

Take care my friend and wish you well.

Lee

[jansdad]

Day #90 today.

Thank you all. Great job on your 60+ days Maverick!!! I’m proud of you.

I’m getting close to 100 days, which in my head is a big milestone. We’ll see how it goes. I keep positive.

[vera]

Great JD!
You really are making huge strides in recovery.
I hope it’s more than just not gambling?
I’m trying to think of life as something separate to gambling.
Because when I do zone out , gambling I seem to enter another world.
Part of me never wants to leave that «time warp».
Part of me NEVER wants to revisit because it really is a foretaste of Hell.
I hope you are enjoying your boy and your wife.
Family links need to be strengthened one day at a time. Gambling weakens those important links.

[I_Maverick]

JD my big Czech mate. How you doin? Day 69 for me today, 3 more weeks and I start my 12 steps. Life is going great. Well, many aspects are still a mess, but i can COPE. WHat a big change. Such a difference. My year of recovery I have decided that this year will be.

How you doing? You must have hit 100 by now.

See you soon

[jansdad]

Day #100 today. Big day for me. The best of all is it all went smoothly for the most part. I did have a few urges along the way, but only a few. I had one yesterday, after a few urge-free weeks.
And I did have 5 or 6 dreams where I gambled and every time I was very pissed at myself in the dream. And was very relieved when I woke up and realized it was a dream.

Yes, Vera, I am now able to concentrate on other things, so it’s not just «not gambling». Mainly, I’ve been able to concentrate more on my work which suffered the most because of my gambling. (I’ve always been a fairly good parent – I believe, even when I gambled, but my work always suffered).

You’re doing amazing as well Mav. Really proud of you. Is your family gone to Columbia now? When will they come back?
How long is your 12 step program for?

[vera]

Well done, JD, on putting that 100 days to good use!
Great to look back with a big smile on your face.
It takes a bit longer to see a healthy bank balance, but peace of mind is priceless.
Knowing you don’t need gambling in your life brings that peace.

[jansdad]

True. Not gambling is sooo much more than saving money.

[I_Maverick]

Hey JD

100 days is AWESOME mate. Monica has not gone to Colombia yet – long story. Will fill that in my my blog as I know more.

But well done mate. Really proud of you. Yours was one of the first stories of a terrible relapse I read, after your 66 days and after that we got to know each other a little bit.

You do not need gambling, nor do any of us. Without gambling in our lives we can deal with so many other problems.

Keep posting the odd update of how your recovery is going. What does recovery mean for you JD?

[p]

Well done on your gamble free time.. 100 days is wonderful and gives you a taste of the gamble free life. Really well done.. keep up the good work. Keep us updated on your journal. Its good you are doing other things in your life not just not gambling.. wahoooo. well done you.

P

[Muallif]

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