[Monkey15]

Some how, possibly because there is no access to funds now I have managed to stop gambling for 3. 1/2 weeks. Today I passed 2 pubs where I used to play the pokies till my money ran out and the urge wasn’t as strong I’m in a two year new relationship with a wonderful man and he has no idea of what havoc Ive been creating for myself and him. Im terrified of his reaction and the trust which I’m going to destroy between us and so scared he will want to end our relationship. Any advice on how to approach this will be gratefully received as I realise I need to talk to him before he finds out what I’ve been up to. I’m in debt $60,000 which I have obtained through personal loans and credit cards since march in my name. Barely managing the payments now and time is running out…..help. Tina

[velvet]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Monkey
I am sure you will get more replies but I thought I would tell you my experience and thoughts for what they are worth.
In my opinion, the simple statement of fact is the best way, with no unnecessary reasons or apologies – ‘I have a problem with gambling’. Then allow the man in your life a few moments to think of what you have said and hopefully ask his questions. I think it is important not to make it look as though you blame him in any way and I think it is very important that you let him know you are seeking help.
I don’t know whether your partner knows about the addiction to gamble – I didn’t so I struggled with the information having lived with my CG for 23 years. It took me 2 more years to begin to accept any such addiction existed but in that time my CG did not talk about recovery. When he showed me that he really wanted to live gamble-free by, in his case, going into rehab I was able to gain the knowledge I needed to cope, to understand as best I could but most importantly to support him (and me) in the right way.
Trust will be dented but in many, many cases that I know of, a problem had already been suspected. Trust can be rebuilt and fantastic relationships worked out as a result.
If the man in your life wants to understand how to support you and ask why has this happened etc., then our Helpline would be happy to ‘talk’ to him, as would I, in the Friends and Family section. Personally I firmly believe that the best way is for the non-CG who was a loved one on the site to come into an F&F group, rather than the forum, so that privacy and anonymity is maintained – it is what I did.
This is all obviously only ‘my’ opinion but the lie you are living must be hurting you. I hope your partner will listen and understand that you didn’t ask for or want your problem anymore than he does. Given knowledge F&F can give tremendous support in the right way but without that knowledge they blunder about and more often than not, do everything wrong for all the right reasons.
I hope you will post again soon and tell us more about yourself
I wish you well
Velvet

[Monkey15]

Thank you Velvet for your kind words. I’ve been trying to tell my partner for weeks but I’m always finding excuses not to. Like, after this weekend or after our friends have left or after this or that event. Excuses, excuses excuses….! Both our lives are going to change and its eating me up. He has made negative comments about gamblers before when he suspected one of his step daughters had a problem… I’m feeling so guilty about it all and the debt hangs round my neck like a noose getting tighter by the day. I’ve woken up feeling okay and know this is another day without gambling and that I know I can be proud of. This journal will help me stay focussed. It’s not his fault but I think I know what triggered in back in March again. My own insecurities about this relationship, you see I was alone for 20’years, gambling became my lover….so this is nothing new, the gambling that is.

[velvet]

Hi Tina
I suggest you keep posting, join groups, talk to the Helpline and choose the time that is right for you. I didn’t have negative feelings about gamblers; I had no knowledge at all, so being confronted with it I didn’t react negatively or positively.
Do you have any plan in place for clearing this debt because gambling will never be the answer? Can you speak to your creditors and ask for time to pay? Do you have family or friends that you can talk to? I’m not suggesting that you borrow from them but I do think you need emotional support.
Stay focussed on your recovery because you deserve it and hopefully when the time comes you will be able to cope with whatever happens.
Thinking about you
Velvet

[vera]

Tina, as much as I would like to tell you that the debt will disappear, I can only say it won’t.
Further gambling will add to it.
Secrecy enables up to keep borrowing.
Denial and fear will only serve to postpone the dreaded confession.
The truth is only way to deal with your relationship and your gambling.
One word of advice. If you plan on telling him anything, tell him everything. Drip feeding information about gambling and debt has a more detrimental effect on relationships than spitting out the full truth.
Pick the right moment . C ount to three. Say a prayer . And let it all out!
Good luck!

[Monkey15]

Thanks for your words Vera. There is a chicken in me that keeps preventing me to tell him. I’m telling myself «okay, I need to do this now». Go to domit and can’t find the words… on a happier note I’m feeling a lot more in control about this addiction and stronger in myself, I just hope this feeling stays with me…I have so much to lose and have lost so much financially….what hasn’t helped, and again it’s not about blame is that I felt insecure about our relationship as I decovered that my partner had been in contact with an earlier woman he had been seeing when we met. It looked as if they where planning to meet up for a coffee. I snooped on his ph and perhaps got what I deserved because of this. I confronted him about it and we sorted it but this I think was my trigger through my own insecurities that started me back on this horrific addiction.

[Monkey15]

As yet no plan about making back the payments, barely keeping my head above water…I know if my partner stands by me that he will help me with a plan of payment as he is really good with sorting out money.. I’m talking about helping me but not financially as I would never expect that of him…my lovely family, well gulp….they have helped me several times before with support and they told me 4 years ago, no more….as they can’t do it anymore…it would break my elderly parents hearts if I told them and my brother is barely speaking to me now….because of my gambling history.

[finding_laura]

Hey Monkey and welcome to the forum.

Could I ask how long it was since you last gambled? Prior to starting again? Were you attending GA or going to counseling?

I too had to fess up to my partner. I took care of OUR money and had left us an inch away from bankruptcy. I kept looking for any solution to deal with my debt that wouldn’t involve coming clean! Finally my gambling drove me to a place where I knew I had to stop! Whether in my relationship or out of it. If he chose to leave me because I had an addiction, then that would be on him. In the end I had to do exactly what Vera is saying. I told him I needed to talk to him about something important. And then I told him I have a really bad gambling problem. And that we owed a lot of money as a result. Your partner will respond how he will. And he will have many emotions of his own to process. In a way its as bad as cheating on them really. It is scary as hell to deal with this but it is really your own sanity that is at stake. Maybe start taking measures. Go to a GA meeting if any available or addictions counselling. Show him that you are taking action! All the best!
Laura

[Monkey15]

Hi Laura

I never really stopped but seemed more controlled, if that is even possible. WhT also changed in march is that I went back to online gambling after a tempting financial invite from casino action. It was almost like they knew about my vulnerable state….not having such a good day today, woke up with the realisation that I really need to deal with this and front up to my partner. I’m terrified of what is going to do to us. On a brighter note I’m going to seek out a gambling addiction counsellor which is ironic when I am also a counsellor but don’t work with people with addictions. I ask for strength to do what I must. 4 weeks now and no gambling….

[Monkey15]

Thanks Laura, you have got me thinking about what I need to put in place to keep me safe….

[Monkey15]

Thanks Laura, you have got me thinking about what I need to put in place to keep me safe….

[finding_laura]

Hey Tina,
you will do it when you are ready. Well done on four weeks! I think addictions counseling is a very bright note. Even counselors are allowed to have problems. We are all a little blind when it comes to our own lives. Emotions tend to do that to us i think. I’m glad we can help each other in our recovery journeys! Take care, Laura

[charles]

Hi Monkey,

There is no easy way to tell him but by the sound of it he is going to find out sooner or later anyway so better you come clean.

What does make it a little easier is not to just present the problem to him, show him what you are going to DO about it at the same time. It is an old saying here in UK – actions speak louder than words. It is the actions that you take to help you stop gambling that are the same actions that might help rebuild the trust etc. Actions like getting excluded frim where ever it is that you usually gamble, actions like being accountable for money and time, actions like getting to Gamblers Anonymous meetings, posting here, finding more positive ways to fill time etc.

As Vera said it is also important to come completely clean. If we «drip feed» the bad news then partners etc dont know when we have finished the drip feeding, dont know when they can start rebuilding trust etc. Also of course it will help if your partner helos you with the financial barriers – trying to keep hidden debts secret will often send people back to gambling as they try and keep the secrecy.

Show them this site, there is support for Family Members here as well.

Keep posting, good luck in recovery.

[Monkey15]

What you have to say is right, I know. Made another positive step yesterday, I contacted a support GA. I don’t live close to any support centres but they have offered support through phone Counselling. I’m filling in the forms today and sending them off, I’m on Meds for depression and trying to set little goals every day. Bit of a struggle at times as have little motivation and this dark cloud of having to tell my partner presses and looms low on me. We have family birthday and engagement parties coming up and I don’t want to ruin it for him, or are these just excuses. Then there is Christmas and new year and so it goes on….I love him so much and our world is about to change. I hate hurting people and I know this is going to hurt him and he will have so many questions . Not liking myself that much today…..

[Monkey15]

I’m sitting her with my partner watching telly on a lazy Sunday rainy day. A rarity as we are both quite busy. Something so simple is comforting for me as I continue to struggle to find the words to tell him my terrible secret. So many things holding me back as I eat myself up with this secret curse. From the outside with my friends, family and work colleagues my life looks good but it’s not. I’m wanting to sleep at least 11 to 12 hours a day, I know this is a sign of depression, at least when I sleep I don’t have to think about this problem. Feel so drained and exhausted for no real physical reason, making myself sick with the worry and terrible burden of this addiction. I never really viewed myself as an addict, but the penny dropped, I am a gambling addict and just thinking about it my drinking has increased. Have decided to give drinking a break for now as it’s not helping. Not liking myself that much today. Not sure why this has happened to me and how different my life would be now if I hadn’t gone to the casino 18 years ago……

[finding_laura]

HI Tina,

I know it is such a struggle to say those words that are going to change your relationship forever. Maybe end it. Charles is right, better that he hear it from you then find out another way. You have been in denial this past two years that your gambling addiction was gone. Once a CG always a CG. Just like an alcoholic. Having to be repeatedly bailed out by family was a sure sign that you were a gambling addict. It’s not because we don’t have enough money, it’s not because life has more stresses for us than others, we are just hooked and always will be!
I am not unsympathetic, trust me, I had to do it once, and I should be doing it again! I’ve been dabbling again. More controlled as you would say as I have many barriers in place. It’s been over four months since my last bet but I feel i have to be on top of this every day!
I pray you find the strength that you need to tell your partner. You may need more intensive face to face counseling if possible in addition to the GA counseling. Attack this from all points possible.
Our lives would surely have been different if we hadn’t discovered gambling. But that’s not reality. We did. What would you tell a client if they said this about their drug or alcohol addiction?
Keep fighting Tina, you can get through this a better, stronger person.
Laura

[Jonny123987]

Hi Tina,
I’m grateful to have read your posts. You seem like a good person who unfortunately has a bad addiction. Please read some of my story and you’ll see I share the addiction. I also know what it feels like to live a life of a lie.
I think that you probably should tell him that you have this issue for many reasons. But if you can quit and repay all your debt then I’m not sure why you have too. If that makes sense… I guess he could find out and then you’d have to tell him. I’m just saying… The most important thing is that you quit. You mentioned that he texted some other girl and you found out… To me that means there is already some basic trouble in the relationship and that you really need to worry about yourself.
I would again suggest that you do tell him so you have to be accountable to someone. Being accountable and having to turn over finances is helpful in the recovery process.
Gambling relapses are really different than quitting gambling. The question I have for you is are you not gambling and going to relapse or are you not gambling anymore?
When reading your posts you asked if you are making excuses… I’m not the guy who knows that but I can answer the question based on the way I read it and the answer is that you are. Maybe not making excuses but you’re not just owning your gambling problem. Maybe you have triggers and you can recognize that but ultimately you are the problem and chose to gamble and to gamble at a highly destructible rate. It’s important to know what triggers you so you can get help from a professional and deal with those feelings and emotions though.
I agree that if you have and want to tall him that you approach it as I have a problem and I have a plan. I’ve done research, etc., and what that plan is. A plan to honest, a plan to pay back the money, a plan to recover, and a plan to regain trust. And the most important thing. That you have a plan for yourself to love yourself again.
You can get yourself back. It’s a slow process and requires a lot of work. You can do this Tina.

[Monkey15]

Your words are helping me today, thank you. Took a day off work, and in bed as feeling like crap. Partner seems oblivious that there is something wrong with me or is because I’m a good actor? He left for work early this morning. I’m going over to the group in another hour.

[Jonny123987]

You are probably a good actor. He is also probably not aware of how bad of a problem you have. To normal people gambling is not a worry or a problem and they can’t comprehend why we can’t just stop. People are also pretty naive. I had a guy drinking a fifth of whiskey at work that worked for me and I just thought he was off. Never knowing he was that bad off.

[Monkey15]

Thanks Jonny, it is good to hear how it possibly is from a male perspective. Thank you. Just read your thread and you have got me thinking about how anything is possible. Yep, this time around I’m definitly thinking as myself as a CG, not words I have thought or used before.

[Jonny123987]

It’s good that you’re finally coming to terms and understanding with what you’re up against. Being a CG is no joke. It’s as bad as a heroin addiction or maybe worse. Gambling addicts have the most suicides of all other addictions. It’s unfortunately a disease that gets very little recognition from people, states, governments, etc, so the help isn’t as easily accessible. And most people gamble in one form or another like it’s almost acceptable to do it. It’s a weird thing to happen t someone but it sure hurts once you recognize it.

[Anonim]

I know it’s less than a week since you started this thread and I’m not too surprised that you havn’t told your partner yet.

However, as you’re probably experiencing, the longer you postpone it the harder it’s going to be.

There is no easy way to tell him, but don’t be under any illusions he probably has a good idea already, he may also want to ask you about it, but dosn’t want to «upset the apple cart».

If you genuinely do want to leave your addiction in the past, then complete honesty is the only way to achieve that. Starting with self honesty. You know if the reasons you cited were just excuses or not.

You’ll only have to do this once and hopefully lots of good will come out of it for both of you.

If you don’t do it, or keep delaying it nothing good will come out of it. That’s a fact.

You say you love this man. Well living a lie is not the way to show it. Honesty and respect are.

You know that you need to tell him, you posted to ask the best way to go about it, not as to whether you should or not.

You’re now 4 weeks gambling free, (well done 🙂 )have you put any precautions in place to protect your money from your addiction?

I know from many years of gambling, and trying to quit, experience. That if you havn’t told him before you next get paid and you’ve not put any fundamental barriers in place to safeguard your money, you are treading on very thin ice. Just suppose you gambled again, you’d then have a lot more to tell him.

You are not being fair to him or yourself by putting this off. Not to mention your clients, I cant imagine its easy to stay focused on your clients problems if your head is consumed with your own.

The advice from Vera is tip top, no point telling half a tale..get it all out, once its out, its out.

I wouldn’t for one minute re-consider telling him. I’ve never known of any gambling addict being able to secretly gamble then secretly quit gambling and then secretly pay off stupid amounts of debt. It just wouldn’t be possible in recovery. I do know of many that have tried, and failed, and have then had to come clean about a whole lot more, it’s not worth the risk.

As a counsellor you know the benefit of opening up. You just need to find that courage once.

I hope you find the courage today.

Wishing you well.

Geordie.

[Monkey15]

Woke up feeling stronger today and your words really help. All that you say is true. I will tell him this I know as the truth will help set me free from this distructive addiction. I have noticed that there has been a shift in my thinking this time round, in particular calling myself a CG and always being a CG. Did think this could be controlled, but it can’t, not ever…..reading through others threads I can see the journey, thoughts and feelings I have experienced are not unique. Thoughts like, if I win lotto, I can off my debts and go to Vegas, if I don’t win, I’ll kill myself, if he leaves me I’ll Drive off a cliff and make it look like an accident but I’ll have to euthanise my beloved Burmese cat as she would never be able to be rehomed because of her timid and nervous nature. So many dark and destructive thoughts……so yes, I have a plan but at this stage no intentions of following through. Another sick day today but a walk on the beach and some gardening planned. As a counsellor, yes I know what I need to do so why is it so dam hard??? Time to cuddle and bury my face in my beautiful Burmese girl.

[Monkey15]

I thought there was a group at 8.00am my time but alas no. Just had a look at my last post and am surprising myself about what I’m revealing. This is because I feel, this is a safe place to express my inner thoughts, inner demons…. yep, I have suicide as a deep, secretive thought, it lies there almost as a back up plan, but not one I’m really wanting to carry through and not how I’m feeling right now. 2 to 3 months ago definitly, when I felt completely out of control with this addiction. Back then it seemed the only way out of my demons, this addiction and persistent thoughts of gambling. Why does this happen to us, do you Think and not to others? Why, why, why??? Why me, why you? So much suffering not just for me but for others as well. If not gambling would it have been something else?? I think I have the potential to be a heavier drinker, I love wine, the taste and how it makes me feel but I have chosen to stop for the moment while I deal with gambling. I seem to be able to have control over drinking but not gambling. Why is this do you think? Will there be a time I. My life when I don’t feel as guilty, as lost? Will that continuous thought of wanting to gamble fade with time, will that desire go away. I want it cut our of my brain, to disappear from my thoughts, to stop taking up valuable space, time and control over my life. Completely erased from my body, brain, spirit and LIFE!

[Monica1]

Just to say I dropped in and read your thread. I think we have all asked the same question, why this addiction, why me and for me why at 54, when the only bet I had placed before this age Was annually on the grand national. I never even played the lottery. But we may never get the answer to that question. Just to know that you are not alone. When we realise we are CGs and hit this rock bottom, the suicidal ideas are always lurking in the background. This is the addiction speaking and it’s destructive nature. We must fight to get back ourselves and our lives. I am not going to advise you on fessing up to your partner as I am a single woman and not really in a position to offer advice. All I can say is that I wish you the best of luck when you do tell your partner.

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,

popping in to see how you are doing.

Why me? From my time in GA and here and other places, and reading, I would say there are probably as many reasons as people. But, there are some things I’ve noticed drive gamblers into Compulsive gamblers. I’d say we are more suceptible right from the start because of how we are wired. Add to that the Billions of dollars that goes into research and development on how to make games more addicting. Gambling addiction lights up the same place in the brain as drug addiction. http://www.metronews.ca/news/vancouver/2017/01/03/gambling-triggers-same-brain-region-as-drug-addiction.html and that sets the backdrop.

Now sometimes it’s triggered by past child abuse or sex assault, death of a loved one, break up of a marriage, illness, disability, physical pain, emotional pain, trauma, or betrayal. Some of us it is a combination of so many of the above and or something else yet unmentioned.

The good thing is that even if we aren’t sure why we started gambling, the steps we can take to stop are the same. We can find a financial support person who helps us by keeping our money safe. In the beginning it’s like leaving an addict in possession of their poison when we want to handle our own money. A small amount of spending money is best in the beginning. We can find emotional support in the form of counseling, GA meetings or other fellowship group such as a church addictions group. Being able to be truthful with those in our life about what is going on with our recovery also helps. Places like this forum is invaluable. It’s good that you’ve taken a couple days from work to regroup. Mental health days. Admitting we have a problem is the first step in dealing with it. Take care,

Laura

[Monkey15]

Many thanks for your kind words. Not such a good day today, after saying I would give drink a break for a while, friends came round yesterday for a meal and we drank wine. I had about 4 glasses but feeling quite ill today and shakey. Started to try and have a heart to heart with my partner just now about our feelings for each other and raised the fact that I had been in a dark place about 3 months ago while he was away. I mentioned to this in a txt to him 3 months ago and he asked why. I told him we would talk about this when he got home but he never asked about this. I just mentioned my dark place again and aske him if he was curious about what was going on, he replied that I would tell him in my own time…there was the opportunity to tell him, I blew it and said could we talk about this later…..he assured me of his feelings for me and has gone back to work.

[Monkey15]

This was definitly an interesting article, thank you for sharing with me. I am really appreciating and taking on board everyone’s thoughts and knowledge, this is helping me and I don’t feel so isolated. The groups don’t appear to be as popular?? Thanks again Laura.

Tina

[Anonim]

The groups fluxuate quite a bit, the new members one might be helpful to you at the minute. But of course, they’re all there for our use.

I say the new members one might be a good idea because it might not be as busy, and easier to follow your conversation. Where in the world are you Tina?

And I hope you get round to spilling the beans today.

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie. Feeling hung over, partner went out to collect stuff from out of town, could not stop myself from having another snoop on my partners computer and see he has been looking up this woman again on Facebook. Feeling utterly shattered, does this mean he’s not happy with me or just curious to know what she’s up to. Having horrible thoughts about sticking myself and my beloved Burmese in my car and gasing us both with a hose from the exhaust….stupid and dumb idea of course! Feel so insecure with him at the moment. I’ve been in two serious relationships before and never felt like this, is it my sixth sense??? Filled in some forms for some GA Counselling today and sent that off. Basically, just feel like crap today and the hangover isn’t helping….live in New Zealand….

[Monkey15]

Forgot to possibly mention the most important thing!

[Anonim]

Why gas your poor cat?

Why consider suicide?

These are not rational thoughts. You are not thinking straight that is not unusual. It’s distorted thinking which befalls every CG unfortunately. It’s part of the package. Not a package we go out and seek but one we end up with. Nobody asks to be a CG. It is the way we are. But everyone of us has the capability to change. You will know deep down you can change, surely as a counsellor you must have witnessed many changes in the people you deal with.

Why don’t you go for addiction counselling?

Maybe you are justified in your suspicions about your partner, but to be honest I’d say you’re deflecting away from your own situation concerning the gambling by snooping on partner.

You might think he is clueless and you’ve covered up your gambling brilliantly by being a good actress. I’d think it more likely he’s seen a big change in your moods and behaviour over the months and maybe he’s unhappy with you.

Maybe you think if he is being unfaithful to you, or considering it, then rather than telling him about your gambling situation, you could confront him about your suspicions. Then whether he is up to no good or not you might have a massive row and end up parting. Your distorted thinking might just be saying that to do that would be easier than having to tell him.

Tina, you live with this man you love this man. Be honest with this man he will either help you or he wont, but for you to leave gambling in the past I firmly believe you do have to tell him.

I don’t believe that because of anything I’ve read in a book Tina. I believe that because of my own experiences and the experiences of others.

Our behaviour when gambling is secretive and dishonest. To stop our gambling we have to change our behaviour. We have to stop being secretive and dishonest.

It’d probably be easier to gas yourself and the cat, than tell him I can understand that.

The poor cat hasn’t got an addiction and you would in effect be murdering the poor thing!

Seriously nothing good can come from your suicide for anybody. Loads of good can befall you if you live the rest of your life without gambling.

In order to achieve that you really have to get to work on telling him. Before the depression gets worse and worse.

Please try today. Even if your relationship breaks down because of it, you will be able to start making those baby steps away from gambling.

I’ve really got to go Tina.

Take care.

(And dont murder that cat)!

[Anonim]

How are you feeling today?

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie. Still here and feeling stronger today. I’ve mentally booked in Sunday to spill the beans with my partner. I’m telling myself that if he loved me, he would stay and help me through this shitty time and addiction. If he doesn’t, well perhaps that’s an indication that this relationship is not meant to be……I sure as hell would support him but he may feel differently, we will see. I got a response from my addiction Counselling application. They have offered ph Counselling due to where I live for next week. I’m so greatful that I have access to them. So, ticking off what I need to do to keep myself safe. Be interesting to see how I feel this time next week. Today is better and I have not gambled for nearly 5 weeks now. Also, why do guys find it so hard to tell us how they feel about us???where in the world do you live?

[Monkey15]

Your words helped me through my awful day, a few days back.. thank you.

[Monica1]

Just wishing you well. From reading your thread I think,you suspect that if you tell him this may push everything over the edge. As for guys not being able to say how they feel, sometime on the other end, women aren’t particularly good at that either. Do t think it is just a guy thing. Whichever way goes, you have the support of the recovering CGs on this site. And I hope the phone counselling is a help.

[Anonim]

By the way I too forgot something. Well done on managing to stay away from it for over a month.

I’m in uk Tina. I would never have guessed you were in NZ, especially when you mentioned pubs.

Some men find it extremely difficult to share their true feelings. I think it’s in the genes, I know through discussing such things in counselling during rehab that some men view it as a sign of weakness to talk honestly about how they are emotionally. Boys don’t cry, that sort of thing.

For me I find it very easy to discuss my emotions with my very understanding partner.

I’m afraid that I was addicted to gambling from my teenage years, and the relationships I did developed during the time that I gambled could never have reached their full potential. During that time I showed very little emotionally bottling everything up all the time. Always a great excuse to gamble.

Well done for coming to that decision Tina, and your reasoning echoes my thoughts on the situation.

I’m sorry I brought your name into that other conversation, I’m pleased it hasn’t upset you.

Must dash, I’m at work.

[Monkey15]

I’ve woken feeling good. Woke up at 6.00am not feeling as depressed and groggy. Have just spent the last hour reading through other members stories and progress. Although our stories are different, the similar GA aspects are all to familiar. Your shared stories have given me renewed hope that there is a life free of GA in action. As I Reflect on my own life, I see a pattern lacking is self care and indulgence in drugs (when younger) alcohol and food. It seems to me that I almost don’t have a regulation switch and have over indulged and invested in many things in my life that have not been healthy. A few days ago a my lowest point after having drunk 4 glasses of wine and feeling like shite all the following day, I think the wine may have been off, that made me feel so ill??? This definitly has put me off drinking for now. tomorrow is D day when I plan to spill the beans to my partner, please may I have the strength to follow through. What might happen is that he will drive off for a few hours to process what I’ve told him. I hate it when he retreats like this but also know it may be his way of thinking things through. If this occurs, don’t know what I’ll do. Need to go to the beach or gardening….dreading Christmas as there will be no presents for anyone this year. How do I explain this to everyone??? I know that the advice is to come clean with my family but as mentioned earlier, elderly parents and brother and sister have made it ctystal clear that they would not help me again if I indulged in gambling again. This was four yrs ago and I couldn’t bare to have them wash their hands of me for good…..

[Monkey15]

It is my hope that my partner will also be understanding….thanks for sharing your views on why it is so difficult for men to share their feelings. I’m good at my job as a counsellor and have been able to put on a convincing mask to help my clients. I’ve been able to work okay and focus on my clients during sessions and am thankful that I have the ability to do this. Can honestly say that work has been a saving grace as I focus on others, rather than myself. time for me to get up and do some chores as it’s a warm Saturday morning. Back later.

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,
I’m just on my way out but one quick thought for you. Telling others is as much to help you as to be in honest relationships. That being said, If telling your elderly parents and brother and sister may cause them great stress I wouldn’t be telling them. At least not now. Whether you can trust your partner to help you with your finances right now due to your uncertainty about the relationship, you’ll know more once you talk to him. It took me a long time to work up the nerve (first time round, still stewing myself this time). But I was full blown out of control. It got to the point where it didn’t matter whether he stayed or left when i broke the news. I knew I had to, to save myself if that makes any sense. I needed to throw myself into recovery, GA, GT, therapy. And I wasn’t going to be able to do that without him knowing. Not to mention we were going to lose our house! Funny how still in denial about that slight detail 🙂 You will decide for yourself. If or when it is appropriate to open up to family. In your case you aren’t likely to borrow from them. I warned one of my sisters. And i told her not to lend me any money no matter what! I had to protect her. My other sibling and mother and father supported me. But I felt horrible for what I had done 🙁 Anyway, now I’m rambling! Have to run. Have a good gamble free day. Well done on your free time and reaching out for the counselling. take care, Laura

[Anonim]

Hi Tina

I agree with Laura. I’ve always found that telling my mother was the thing that stopped me carrying on. She’s been through the mill with me,

I think telling your partner is a must for your ongoing recovery, if it turns out he has something to tell you, your honesty and courage in telling him of your situation would probably encourage him to fess up if he has any secrets for you.

Your relationship would not be true, and would in all honesty, probably fail if you tried to live a lie. (Either of you). The healthiest relationships have love truth and honesty as their core.

Secrets are dangerous in any relationship, and a CG with secrets is a ticking time bomb, in my opinion.

When I went through the GMA rehab programme it was 9 months long, in fact I was there 10 months. The first six of those months were spent really getting you ready for counselling. I feel I was one of the lucky ones, the programme has changed since. But my mind was ready for the counselling, I learnt a lot about the importance of talking, and listening. As opposed to just speaking and hearing.

I think sometimes, especially after I first left, I was too honest, by that I mean I shared maybe too much. I still do go overboard with too much information these days on occasion. However my real life has improved by an immeasurable amount because of my ability to talk about how I feel emotionally. Lots of men do struggle with this though.

Well hope that wasn’t too much irrelevant gobbledegook for you. It’s still Friday here 10.40pm I start work at 2am…you must be 12 hrs ahead from us then.

There was one of the GT advisors moved to NZ a few years ago, don’t know if she still has ties with GT but she was a great counsellor, be a mad coincidence if that’s who you got to speak to on your phone counselling. She was intending to stay in the same line of work I recall.

Take care Tina.

Ps the reason the prompted me to post was to say if you did decide to tell your family, as well as just telling them you gambled again and put yourself in the mire. Tell them also that you’re already taken steps to help yourself. Your over 4 weeks since you gambled its different in their eyes to you turning up when you’ve just been gambling and you’re in a state of panic and despair. You’re already taking positive steps, they will be proud of you. You should be proud of you for standing up and facing this thing!

[Monkey15]

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom..you have no idea how this is helping me with my demons and GA. I find myself on this site a lot eager to see the shared stories and recovery struggles we go through. I’ve read it in someone’s else’s thread that owning GA and admitting You have GA is a step in the right direction. I see myself as having an unwelcome visitor called GA but I’m not so sure about owning it. If you own something doesn’t it become part of you? Will thee be a time in the future where I don’t wake up and think about gambling? I find myself having internal thoughts when I pass a bank or gambling parlour. Do I feel like doing this today? My answers thank goodness over the last month have been, NO, why would I do this to myself again?? Then, remember the misery and hardship it has brought to me. It is clear to me what my trigger was back in March. Should I share that with my partner when I telll him tomorrow about what I’ve been doing? (That I found out he had been in contact with another ex girlfriend) this was definitly my trigger but then this would sound like I’m blaming him, and I’m not. It was my trigger and my actions…..my own stupid insecurities creeping in.

[Monkey15]

Had to calls from credit companies today reminding me that overdue payments are now incurring penalty fees. I did what someone else on this site did, borrowed money to pay of debt but then gambled that away as well. I have not opened letters from the bank for the last 2 weeks, they sit in a draw ….

What are your thoughts about talking to a bank about a GA? Are they sympathetic about trying to do the right thing and paying the money back in instalments? Anyone else had similar dealings?

[Anonim]

It’s up to you. But I would advise caution because then it will probably look like you’re blaming him.

Which relates to the whole «owning» the gambling thing.

It is an unhealthy addiction that you never asked for, But you have it, the consequences of your actions, whilst under the gambling addictions power are yours to sort out. That’s where the owning thing comes in I think.

It is already part of you I’m afraid.

I know that I thought there’d never be a time I did think of gambling everyday, it used to ouze out of every pore in my body, my whole life for near enough 36 years was just saturated with gambling and gambling thoughts.

I promise you I havnt even considered gambling once this year. (Well I actually played the lottery in January and Feb, I think I done it 3 weeks out of four and I do regret it).

I think we will always be prone to it. However with ongoing support the thought for me have subsided. I firmly believe, and I know in my case, that it’s important to talk about all of life’s issues. I try not to let things build up in my head. By talking about things as quickly as possible I have less to dwell on, less to escape from, or run away from.

I have found counselling to be a valuable part of my recovery.

I don’t mean just talking about big problems, I talk about nearly everything. I have been accused many times of taking recovery too seriousley, in my own mind I do not think it’s possible to take recovery too seriousley.

As much as I truly believe we just have to concern ourselves with getting through today. I don’t ever want that gambling back in my life, but I do believe I have a gambling addiction and I accept that my addiction belongs to me, I own it. As much as I accept that if it ever were to become active again, for whatever reason, I have the consequences to deal with.

In my life I have had some very severe consequences to deal with. In my earlier years I would run away as far as possible from the chaotic consequences of my gambling sometimes estranging myself from my family for months on end. At least when I was in prison they knew where I was.

Debt is a big consequence of gambling for nearly ever CG. I do not know the true extent of my debt I’m afraid but I know I’m not going to be able to pay it all off in my lifetime.

Unless I got a bankers bonus and lived to be 150 years old and worked until the day I died.

Thinking about it I wouldn’t get sidetracked when telling your partner, by telling what triggered you to gamble in March. After all that’s what you believe, (and I do think you’re probably right), but that might have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I would tell him you’ve been seeking help, and are actively involved in getting support. Just be careful about telling him that you post on here. His curiosity might lead him to looking, and whereas I am a big advocate of him knowing about your problem, without arming himself with a knowledge of how this addiction works he mightn’t be able to accept how sucidal you were, and, in his eyes. He may well think you’re just blaming him as an excuse.

Some people believe CGs have the gambling in their genes, others think it is s learned behaviour and can therefore be un-learned. I don’t know which it is, and I’m not bothered. It dosnt change the fact of the matter. I am a compulsive gambler and I can not ever gamble, for me finding out how it all started is not as important as finding out how to stop it.

I know I won’t gamble today, just like yesterday. I’ll deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

I don’t know if this post will make sense, I’ve written a bit of it at every delivery through the night so mightn’t read fluently.

I havnt got time to read it back this is my busy time of day.

Take care Tina. And good luck I hope it lo goes well for you.

[Monkey15]

Hi there again Geordie

I agree with you about not telling my partner about this forum. On this site. These are my private thoughts that I wouldn’t normally share with anyone, and mine only. The anonymity has allowed me to speak freely about my honest dark feelings in a safe haven with supportive caring folks fighting the same fight. I so much value and appreciate your comments, keep them coming…

[Anonim]

Thank you!

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,
are there any non profit or free reputable credit counseling services available in your area? I wouldn’t talk to the bank about gambling addiction. If you want to say anything to the bank I’d say you are dealing with health issues. I would gather all bills, open, take to credit counselor and see what your options are. Also, check with the Gamblers Anonymous people (you said they had a phone line you called? ). They may have some suggestions as well as many local groups can have a financial crisis meeting for a member. My group didn’t do these so I’m not sure what help they give. It may just be help opening and sorting bills and coming up with a short term plan as well as credit agency referal. They can’t sort your bills over the phone but they may have a referral for you and or some suggestions on what to tackle while you wait to see a credit counselor. It may seem overwhelming. But baby steps. One foot in front of the other. Just keep trying to make the next right decision. For all the grey you will find positives. This addiction must make you a more empathetic counselor. I think recovery will make you a more personally aware counselor. Not that you would ask for this experience. But it is yours now. I’m rooting for a happy ending 🙂
Laura

[Anonim]

I hope you have had a successful day and got round to your task!

Either way I’m looking forward to your next update.

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie, fab to hear from you and guess what? Chickened out….. we were having such a good day together, just couldn’t find the courage to fess up. I will discuss this with my counsellor, hopefully tomorrow by phone. I just know there will be so many questions about when what and how. I know I should fill him in about the addiction but do I really need to tell him of the times before I met him.? God, I wish this would all just go away. This is not how I thought my life would be like, what in the hell happened to me?

[Monkey15]

Hi Laura. You make some really sensible and valued points, thank you. How are you doing?

[Anonim]

Tina, you little monkey!

Sadly what happened to you is the same as what happened to me, without requesting it, you have ended up with this horrible addiction.

I hope that the phone counselling can help you build up the courage that you do need to do this. I have chickened out of many similar situations, ( gambling over 35 years, I’ve unfortunately had my fair share of cock ups).

I’m pleased you had a great day together but that will make your confession a bit harder I think, and also, your partner might be a bit more disappointed that you could go out and enjoy the day with him with this going on the back ground.

I’m sorry for stating the obvious but because of your financial situation he will find out, you can’t keep it a secret forever. When you do tell him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tells you you’ve acted like you just don’t care by having the great day out with this lurking in the background. Of course Tina you do so obviousley care for him. And it is so hard for us to tell the ones we love something that we THINK will shatter their illusions.

I emphasise «think» but you don’t know how he will react and neither does anyone else. This of course is quite dangerous, self esteem drops dramatically when we presume we know others will react in a negative way.

You are are not alone with problem, but this site and the whole recovery thing is newish to you. Take it from someone that’s been here a long time, and had seen many people in your predicament.

Sometimes the reaction you get when sharing with somebody who loves you can be quite the opposite of what you’re expecting. A lot of the time partners can be very very supportive. And I know that the more great days out you have between now and telling him could plant bigger doubts in his head as to your sincerity.

Tina I’m at work and got to rush, I have a little more I’d like to add but will be at least an hour before I can.

I hope this helps in some way, I will try to get the rest done when I get home.

Take care, what’s done is done.

[Monkey15]

Thanks Geordie. Yes I was also thinking that, after a good day yesterday he may feel further betrayal. He bought me a bottle of wine and a huge box of chocolates yesterday as well…..I’m hanging out for the Counselling and may give them a call if I haven’t heard back this afternoon. I’m barely able to buy groceries at the moment and pay our bills, which is my job, so yes I’m running out of options and time rapidly. I have a heavy monkey toxic monkey on my back that is weighing me down so heavily, it’s crushing. How are you getting on? I must go over and read your thread.

[Monkey15]

Was really hard at work today, long meeting that I wasn’t able to focus on. Really worried about Xmas and no money for anything. Can’t expect everyone else to understand why I can’t share Xmas with them with gifts and food. I don’t want to have to tell friends and neighbours why this is missing this year. No energy, no money and mounting debt. Lots of self pity and remorse today and can’t ever seem to get enough sleep.

[Anonim]

Sorry I didn’t get back to you before now.

Thanks for taking the trouble to look at my thread.

You might still have the monkey on your back, but remember that even when the monkey is off your back, well that dosn’t mean the circus has left town.

I don’t know any definitive answers Tina, I’m just another CG like everybody else here.

I don’t gamble now though. But I did do a long long time. It took me a long time to actually believe I could stop gambling, and then longer again to accept I could change my whole philosophy on life, and implement massive changes in my life.

I think differently now and I behave differently.

Your post caught my eye, I’ve seen lots of posts over the years asking «should I tell my partner?» Yours stuck out asking «how» rather than if. And I suppose that’s why I took exception to somebody commenting that it might not be necessary.

In an ideal world Tina it would have been great to see you post back last week saying you’d told him and this happened or that happened. But the world of a CG is far from ideal and I would have been bowled over if that had of actually happened.

It’s crazy that we just put it off and put it off. Many put it off too long and wait until that stuff hits the fan, the whole situation is different then. A lot worse.

I hope you find the courage to get it done Tina, you’ve read a bit of my story you can imagine how tough I found having to own up to things, but in order to draw a line on my gambling past that is what I’ve had to do.

I’m actually at wok now but sneaked home for a break its 0320 Tuesday in UK, I guess you’ll be at work now.

Have you managed to speak to the counsellor yet?

I got to go Tina, please keep us informed as to how it goes.

Take Care.

[Monkey15]

Hi Geordie. Do you mind me asking what work you do that requires you to work at that hour of the morning? I smiled at your discription of the circus not leaving town, even though the monkey may go….I shall remember that one. I agree with you totally about the shite hitting the fan if my partner finds out before I can tell him myself….how long did it take you to fess up? Every day I plan to tell him…I feel I’m getting closer every day to spilling the beans….asking myself lots of questions, should I tell him in the morning, before work, after work! In the weekend, before he goes out, I go out or should I make sure I’m at home for a while afterwards or he is as well?.?.when, when, when, when WHEN???

The counsellor, relooking at the her email said she would get back to me this week so I’ll give her a few more days. I’m finding this forum invaluable. You have no idea how your words and the words of others are helping me at this really tough time. The desire to gamble appears to be fading but I have been here before and it may be because I have no money. How long has it been since you have gambled? Do you still get the desire to do so? Hope you don’t mind my questions Geordie. With much appreciation. Tina

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,

sometimes i find it difficult to keep up with everyone! Funny (not haha) thing is the forum gets busy right before Christmas every year. It’s a time of year it can be harder to hide the affects of gambling because of the expected gifts and merry making. It bursts a lot of bubbles. I think a lot of CG’s live in a bubble and as long as we have money to gamble it’s like we don’t want to even acknowledge the bigger picture or what we are really doing to our finances.

I’ve asked GT to see if they can find my old thread from 2009. I know I was dealing with this exact question at the time, how, when, could i tell my partner! He was finishing a really busy time at work and I knew he would be upset. He had every right to be really. I had left him as destitute as myself as all our money was pooled. I agonized for weeks until I felt the time was right. I wanted us to have some time together when i told him. So that if he wanted to talk about it he could. I figured he’d be angry but in all honesty I think he first went into shock when I told him. He would ask a question and then get quiet. A little later he asked another question. Then he left for a while. He wanted to know things like how much had I spent. And if I was going to wait til they showed up to repossess the house to tell him.
I just told him how terribly sorry I was and that I was taking steps to try and stop gambling. I told him if he wanted to leave me I would understand. But to my surprise he told me I wasn’t the first person to have a problem with the pokie machines.
We’ve been through a lot together since then. We still have some issues but I’ve come a long way in my expectations. But we are still a work in progress.
Sending good vibes of strength your way!
Laura

[micky]

Hi Monkey thanks for your post on my thread , iv’e just been reading through yours, and i must say you have been getting some really good advice off Laura and Geordie, all i can say is take their advice and run with it. 🙂 Micky

[Anonim]

Hi ya Tina.

I don’t mind you asking at all.

Firstly. I am a lorry driver I work for a bakery delivering to a big UK supermarket chain, I work nights usually delivering in London, but not always.

(That was the easy one, straight forward one. The rest, I feel, are a bit more complicated to explain).

The monkey/circus comment is one that another forum user, Maverick, once posted to me, I use it quite a lot, not just on GT, don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It’s certainly very apt to people like us.

On the fessing up it’s quite complicated. I’d gambled since I was 17 and probably for the next 15 years or so, rather than fessing up I’d just carry on until I was backed into a corner. I’d eventually run away from my life, I ended up going to prison 4 times in 6 years rather than face the music. I tried to strangle myself once during that period. I would rip people off left right and centre. When you were talking about gassing yourself, and reading JP’s thread recently it reminded me so much of that. I know that suicide seems preferable to coughing up when we’re desperate. It was a very real consideration to me more than once.

I’ve never “fessed up” to a partner, I never really wanted to stop gambling I’m afraid. Lots of stories I could tell Tina, as to what happened because I didn’t tell and the awful situations I left people in, but I’d be here all night.

I have several times though had to tell my parents. I lost my Dad six years ago and although when he died I had been living in recovery for about 8 or 9 months I gambled not long after. I knew I had to tell my mother I’d gambled again because by not telling her I was living a lie, since my Dad died I’ve spoken to my mother every single day. Once I’d told my Mam I felt I could start taking steps to rebuilding my life. I don’t know how my life would have panned out if I had been honest with my partners but 3 out of 4 of them that I have since spoken to, have all said the same thing. Much like Laura’s husband….I’m not the first person in the world to have this problem. They all said though that if I could have been honest with them we might have sorted things out and they would have helped me. Regrets….I’ve had a lot, but then again too many to mention.

I’ve ruined the majority of my life to date by being dishonest. The only way I’ve been able to get on the straight and narrow is by being honest, very honest sometimes to the most cringe worthy degree.

You’ve gambled a long time Tina, if you can get this done now you will be out of debt in a few years and can still lead a very rewarding life. I gambled nearly twice as long as you. When I was 18 I told myself as long as I stop before I’m 21. When I was 21 (and in prison for the second time), I told myself as long as I had stopped by the time I was 30. When I was thirty I said life begins at 40 I’ll stop then. When I was 40 I said 50 and so it goes on. Life passes us by and we don’t even realise.

Writing this makes me think of some Pink Floyd Lyrics,

“And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”

I don’t know the best time to tell him Tina, but it may turn into a lengthy discussion, so I would allow for that. Life will continue to get in the way and probably make it harder to get round to. I would say the sooner the better.

I know the consequences of not telling him primarily from my own experiences, but also from reading the stories of the partners of Cg’s in the friends and family forum, and some people I’ve met from Gam-anon over the years.

I know the benefits of telling him by reading stories like Laura’s. The benefits of being honest I experience every day now. I’ve also witnessed a sort of metamorphose in a lot of recovering gamblers.

It could turn out to be the best Christmas present you ever give.

I’d hate to see you in my position Tina, and you’re halfway there time-wise.

It’s good to see your posts on other threads in the forum and I hope you can find the inspiration you need. No time like the present.

I’d love to say I havn’t gambled for years, truth of the matter is I bought some lottery tickets at the beginning of this year so strictly speaking that was the last time. Prior to that I gambled last December. Last year I gambled on and off, roughly every 8-10 weeks. Certainly not recovering between binges. Just abstaining and probably like you because I had no money. Each time getting closer and closer to where I had been in the past. I was in a coma 2 years ago and I never recalled any of my gambling antics for a few weeks. It came back to me slowly but once it was back it was back.

I do go a bit overboard on this forum at times, I just can’t emphasise enough the importance of being honest.

Who knows why any of us ever started gambling, who knows why we are the ones who turned out being addicted to it? We can all procrastinate ‘til the cows come home. That doesn’t change the facts.

To me its straight forward in some respects, when I was gambling, my dishonesty and low morals were taken to the extremes. In order to stop gambling I have had to completely change those things and it’s been very hard. Too hard I’ve thought at times. Even since my coma there’s been times I’ve wished I hadn’t come out of it. It would have been an easier option for me to stay dead (my heart stopped for 44 minutes). Something I’d longed for at times in the past. I had to literally fight for my life then Tina. I havn’t had the desire to gamble at all this year. When I said I’d put the lottery on it wasn’t really to quell any gambling itch. More because I couldn’t get back to work after my coma for a few months. I’d dare say I’d still be putting the lottery on now except for the fact I got back into a relationship with a former partner who is well aware of my gambling. She was my partner when I was in rehab 2009/2010. I didn’t want to have to tell her I’d put the lottery on. I make enough money to live on and can afford to save a little bit. I don’t handle my savings myself and have no direct access to them, I’ve been in that situation all year. It hasn’t hampered my life or lifestyle one little bit…I’m fairly sure it has helped enhance both though.

I know being honest has.

Time for work again Tina.

So I’ll wish you well, you’re always welcome to ask me anything.

[Monkey15]

Yes, Micky..some very good and solid advice that I’m procrastinating with. My partner has been going through his own mini crisis at the moment so I have been supporting him with this and it is definitly not the right time to tell him of my massive one. I feel proud and strong that I can offer my support to him in this way, even though I know I need to do the right thing by telling him….he has just left for work, for two days, it’s 6.00am in the morning here and my heart feels heavy as I remember what I must do when he returns. There is a ever growing pile of unopened letters from creditors tucked away at the back of my draw that I can’t open…

Need to pull myself together, the sun is shining here today, I’m still in bed with a cup of English Breakfast tea and a purring Burmese on my lap…there are people and things in my life that I am grateful for….

[Monkey15]

Hi there Laura. Thank you for your wise words. I would love to read your journey of an old thread if that’s possible?

[finding_laura]

Good morning Tina,
We can surely make a mess out of our finances and life when gambling! Find comfort in the small things like the sunshine, your cat, and the knowledge that you can turn things around.

I see on Monica’s thread that you downloaded the book that was being advertised on a link I shared with Monica. I hope you read my disclaimer! lol I have no knowledge of that author, or her book, but I connected with what she said about grief in the intro. And how we do other things to avoid feeling grief – like drink, do drugs, and here I would insert and gamble! Let me know if the book turned out to be any good or is just a money grab!

Morning here for me in North America. Have yourself a good night!

Laura

[vera]

…is a common trait among CGs, Tina.
It’s hard to «fess up» because then we really have to let go.
None of us can foretell the reaction to «bad news».
Exploring why we procrastinate so much often helps us to come clean.
The consequences of «telling» might not be as important as the reason for keeping our issues secret.
«WE ARE ONLY AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS» is a very true saying.

[Monkey15]

Laura, the article had a free downloadable book and was an interesting read and can absolutely be relevant to a CG as well. I like that saying Vera, thank you for sharing both of you.

Well, today I had my first CG Counselling session by phone and I found it has really helped me focus a little more and not feel so panicked. She said if. Could get hold of a Australian documentary call Ka CHing Pokie Nation, it would be worth a view. Unfortunately, there is a small costs which I can’t, at this stage manage. I’m going to speak to her weekly as I try to navigate my way out of this muddle. I asked her about stats of spouse/_partners leaving their CG other half, once their addiction had been shared. No data available to me on that. She pretty much told me what you guys have been saying all along about telling my partner. Wish this was already done. Just thinking about the need to do this all the time is wearing me down. Slept for 11 hours again last night, such a welcome relief to not have to think about this, while I sleep….

[Monkey15]

Finally got enough guts, in getting around to check what the last day was that I gambled on my bank statements…this was the last day, thank goodness…that makes it 40 days. 40 days of lots of soul searching, regret and after all these years finally being able to identify that I’m a CG. Today I feel I’m in a place of stuckness, knowing that I have something very important to do but not finding my voice. I know my horrible secret is going to change the dynamics in my relationship forever. The counsellor I spoke to yesterday thought there should be no secrets from my partner and I also need to tell him of my suicide plan, not so sure about this one…she thought he should know how bad things really got for me….would appreciate your thought on this one folks. Hope where ever you are in the world that people show your kindness and gratitude.

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina ,
Thank you for your support on my thread .
I have just read through yours in full- although we have met in the groups
Tina I never could bring myself to be honest with my husband .
I was doing so well in recovery – when hubby and child were going away – they left an «un-blocked» laptop behind . I wanted to say please take that with you and lock in the car boot at the airport . I l couldn’t Bring myself to and reasoned I would be ok. I was for a short while and then I wasn’t – I gambled . It wasn’t a shattering amount ( I have not lost a shattering amount in over two years which is good – although I have sometimes left myself short – I put this down to my continuing to use this site – although I find the groups so much more helpful than the forums ) . However I was completely gutted by my loss – not the money- but the loss of the days I had been counting.- I shared it in several groups and got great support from most People-. I am back on the wagon again.
Here is one of many occasions where honesty would have saved me a lot of grief .

I am not advising you do what I do by any means – (not telling. Your partner ) but I have managed to pay off a lot of debt – I Have done this by depriving myself of the lovely clothes and make up I used to buy- hairdos are cheap, not great and certainly not regular. I haven’t had a manicure or pedicure in years . I am pale and interesting wi rather than spray tanned – you get the drift? … But I have managed to pay off a lot of debt !

For me , I think my husband wouldn’t leave and even if he did I would survive – more than survive – on my own . It wouldn’t be my biggest worry – my huge worry would be that he would tell other people – like maybe go to gamanon, or tell his family. .
If he did he wouldn’t have to worry about leaving – I would leave him.
My biggest fear always has been people knowing – and even on here if anything threatens my anonymity i shake like a leaf
This would threaten my mental well being more than any gambling .

I think maybe you could start looking at the debt and ways to deal with it as telling. Your partner seems to be a stumbling block for you – I so get that – it is the same for me .
Charles gave you excellent advice that actions speak louder than words . If you already have a plan in place and are actively dealing with your debt it might be that you find it easier to tell your partner .

I hope you find my post helpful -of course the right thing to do is to tell your partner – but as it seems to be difficult for you right now – maybe focus on getting plans in place .
Just my tuppence worth for my experience

As for the suicidal thoughts- I get them Every time I gamble and every time I wake up with a hangover – don’t get me wrong I’m nowhere near suicidal – it’s just the fleeting thoughts come – maybe they come to lots of People who never say .
But we are here and we are seeking the support we need , and maybe will always need – we are ok!
Hope this. helps

[Monica1]

Good advice from idi Tina. I am still not going to advise on when and how you tell your partner, you will come to your decision in your own good time. Always better to fess up is all I will say. On the suicide plan, whilst this is a difficult subject I also have had and still have a suicide plan. But I did confess this to my doctor. I could never do anything violent like hanging or jumping off things. Like your gas oven, mine is a gentle oblivion, out on a heroin overdose. Where I get it from is another matter! Stroll down Brixton back streets probably. This is such a sensitive subject. I have told family that I wanted to commit suicide but I don’t dramatise this or focus on it too much. Just that the addiction and the resultant financial pressures brought you to that place. I believe it is oossIble to shift out of this space with the right support. I have been there a lot during the 5 years of this addiction but even more so I am sorry to say in recovery. The lows and depression last for many weeks. There isn’t a magic wand. I really wish there was. And coming out of this is taking for me a very long time but it took five and a half years for me to get into the deep hole I dug. Recovery is undoubtedly the biggest challenge of my life and I have had many. Recovery is not easy at all.

[Monkey15]

Yes, your comments most definitly help, I can honestly say that I devour every comment made. This has been instrumental in my current recovery plan, action the way I feel about my life today. I feel a little as you do about people finding out. This would have a huge impact on my work, family and friends. My family, as I have mentioned earlier have supported me before when attempts to fight this addiction. The last time was about 7 years ago and they made it very clear they wouldn’t do this anymore. I still feel so embarrassed around them about this and feel their suspicions at times. I’m super sensitive. It would break my elderly parents hearts and I just can’t go there again….

Financially, I’m in a awful situation. Basically $60,000. That I can’t pay back. No one will loan me anymore money, can’t borrow anymore against a house that my father and I own together, he lives their, as my brother and sister put a block on it, so I couldn’t borrow anymore against it which is to protect him….another long story….I tried to get a part time job on top of my current full time work, with no luck but this isn’t the answer. I have 3 credit cards and 3 personal loans all on high interest. Basically I do not have enough funds to cover these monthly payments. I’m terrified that they will force the sale of my shared house with my father…can they do this if the loans are not taken out against a house? It’s probably a good thing I’m thinking and looking at this now rather than ignoring the fact that I need to face up and devise some sort of plan, whatever that may mean….the best person to do this with me is my partner as he is good with budgeting. I’m talking about a plan and support, not a hand out from him.

Today is a warm summers day, I’m blessed that where I live is so close to the beach and a sleepy holiday village. I’m sitting in bed hearing the local birdlife and crashing of waves drinking my first cup of tea for the day. Time to get up and seize the day.

Idi, what you say about suicide, is also true for me. There are also those fleeting moments of dispair tha leak into my thoughts. I could never do this to the people I love but it doesn’t change the fact that the thoughts are sometimes there. Thank you for your honesty in this as it has also allowed me to be honest as well. Day 41 for me today and gambling will not be permitted to enter my life again!

[i-did-it]

TinA – I owed at least that much at the start.
If you feel for one moment that they would go for your house , I think it maybe you could consider signing it all over to your dad’s name ? Is that something that is possible ?

TinA here’s what I did .

I had tried to get repayment plans with lot do companies and met with very unhelpful people.
Then one day I rang them and said – I have been on to step change and they said I should go bankrupt ( they did ) – is there any repayment plan we can work out because if I go bankrupt you get nothing because there is nothing? . Suddenly every one of them worked out a plan . That is quite a few years ago – many debts are cleared – a few big ones will run for years – but I have money to live comfortably and I no longer get calls or letters . And even the big debts aren’t so huge now .
My suggestion. is get all the letters in front of you and spend an afternoon ringing them all! He sooner you do it the sooner you have control in your life .

I guess it’s a good thing your siblings did that with the house .
Although I understand it was painful for you – imagine your pain if your dad’s house was sold .
Tina I think there is someone called Christians against poverty who can advise about debt and how best to sort it . Google and see if there is something similar close to you.

[Monkey15]

I live in NZ but will look that up. So, you told the banks you were going through a step plan for gambling? Someone else here thought it wasn’t such a good idea to revel that although surely they would see there is an issue from my activity on their cards and statements??? This could be an option, of course. Feeling a little more hopeful so thank idi.

[Monica1]

Hi Tina,
Good advice from idi. In the uk, if you file for bankruptcy the house is an asset and the can take your half of it. So signing it over or 3ven selling it to your dad. Is that an option? And idi is right when creditors see that the only option recommended is bankruptcy, they change their tune. In the Uk, unsecured loans and credit card companies are not considered priority debts and you can offer them as little as one pound a month as long as you are dealing with priority debts which in the uk are Council tax, inland revenue ie tax, fuel and water rates. These are the priorities. You have a lot going for you to Tina even though you may not see it. You have a job and own a house. Just be aware that in a bankruptcy, they can take your home so you need to be very aware of that and plan for this not happening.

[i-did-it]

TinA , I never mentioned gambling to the credit card companies – I think that wouldn’t have made me seem very trustworthy but maybe I’m wrong !

Sorry I should have said – step change is an organisation who helps you sort your debt – they said my only solution was bankruptcy .
Just told them I was giving bankrupt if they didn’t come up with plan .

http://www.capnz.org/

[Monkey15]

It would break my 88 year olds fathers heart, possibly kill him if he got any inkling what has happened. I like your idea about making some phone calls tomorrow and attempts to work out a plan of payment. I see we also have a Christians against poverty as a possibility here. I feel strong enough in dealing with this myself at the moment and will starts my research and calls tomorrow with them. Thanks so much idi for planting the seeds of hope and from your own shared experiences and perspective of going through this shite. Thank you so much.

[Monkey15]

I have a feeling that the same applies here. I did think if I didn’t use the house as security, they couldn’t touch it? Yep, this makes sense. Thank you

Monicau

[Monkey15]

I have a feeling that the same applies here. I did think if I didn’t use the house as security, they couldn’t touch it? Yep, this makes sense. Thank you

Monicau

[Monkey15]

I have a feeling that the same applies here. I did think if I didn’t use the house as security, they couldn’t touch it? Yep, this makes sense. Thank you

Monicau

[Anonim]

Hi Tina, thanks for the great post on my thread. It is very much appreciated.

I am really pleased for you that you’ve had your phone counselling, and so pleased she’s an advocate of you telling your partner. I agree you should tell him how it made you feel. This is a serious problem Tina and if you’ve seriously considered taking your life, and your partner is understanding of your problem, then yes tell him.

I have in my life attempted suicide several times. I am quite embarrassed to admit sometimes as a cry for help, drawing attention to myself, not serious attempts usually an overdose in a public place and I’ve ended up ringing for an ambulance myself. But twice I have seriously attempted it. Once on a ferry across the English Channel, I hadn’t gambled for a while, I had been involved in some criminal activity and accumulated enough cash to pay a debt to a man I owed. It was overdue and this was deadline day, when I got off the ferry I had a six hour drive. My plan was repay the debt, have a couple of days off and then borrow the money back.

I had more money than I needed, having won some money playing cards. To cut a long story short I lost all the money on the ferry playing blackjack. My legs and car were in serious jeopardy if not my life. When I was down to the last I told myself if I lost it all I would kill myself. I took a massive overdose with vodka in a cabin on the ferry…woke up in hospital and had to go and get my car from the docks…the shame I felt!

I also had another serious attempt.

Some people, I feel do not really grasp the severity of this problem Tina. I think you show a lot of awareness, counselling can be priceless.

Of course it’s a good idea to have some debt repayment plan in order, but as you havn’t done so yet it may be wise to wait until you’ve told your partner.

You’ve gambled for 18 years Tina, you’ve been secretive, and in that time I would think a lot of you rationale and common sense may seem to have disappeared. Your thought process may have become distorted, and making bad choices may just have been the norm for you. It did for me, and those that I’ve spoken to at GA and rehab relate similar things. Making stupid decisions in normal for a lot of CG’s. Once you have told your partner he may turn out to be of fantastic support, and help you find the best debt repayment plan. He may be able to see things a bit more clearly than you.

I hope that does happen. But there is the chance things might not work out between you, and if that were to be the case, (sorry to be so matter of fact), you would benefit from having a head clear of this massive issue of how, when and where to tell him.

It is for your sake only I think you should tell him as soon as possible. Setting up payment plans will take time, sounds like you have a lot of creditors. It will also deflect your thinking from when to tell him.

I’ve never fessed up to a partner Tina, but for the last 20 years have had to come clean to my daughter. I did gamble during rehab and told my partner, but I don’t ***** this as fessing up, it came quite naturally to tell. More than telling my daughter I’ve had to tell my mother. She is 80 now and the last time I had to tell her I gambled again was about 18 months ago. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life.

Imagine that Tina. This elderly lady who has seen her youngest son turn from a popular schoolboy, into a lying, cheating, low-life gambling scumbag, before her very eyes and being able to do nothing about it.(That’s what I was then, not meaning all CG’s). How must that feel? I’ve no shame admitting this is making me cry writing this. I had to tell her 5 months or so after she had spent six weeks beside my hospital bed when I was in and recovering from a coma. She spent a huge chunk of her savings on a hotel. (I live 300 miles from her). I had to turn round and tell her I couldn’t make it home for my usual holiday with my family because I’d “gambled again”.

She took the news very badly indeed. It brought on a massive asthma attack she was gasping for breath. Ten minutes later she collapsed.

I swore to myself if I ever thought of gambling again I would remember that feeling of watching her gasp. Telling my mother was always the catalyst to me entering in to a period of recovery. If I’d have told her sooner I would’ve stopped sooner. I didn’t do it any sooner because the gambling had me again.

I know my gambling problem thrived on the secrecy for years. I mean the less people that knew the less people would judge me as a complete idiot. Once I got into recovery and honestly made a commitment to stop, I no longer hid my problem. I don’t care what they think of me. For years I had lived on borrowed, and even stolen money, by telling those people I had close links with I was reducing the number of enablers for my addiction. And I was reducing my opportunities, making myself ac*****able in a small way. It’s hard enough telling one person you’ve gambled, imagine if any of these found out of any further gambling. But Tina there does not need to be a next time.

Tina regardless of when you tell your partner I will still support you. If though in a few months you were still in the same boat my frustration might show in the nature of my posts. I’ve put off and put off for many months with lots of things, my frustration would be with the old me, who was doing the same as you. I’ve experienced the consequences of not telling. When I kept things secret and paid back secret debts, I’ve gone back to gambling every single time.

Apart from anything else Tina, any secrets in a close relationship never do any good.

Wishing you well.

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina ,
Hope you are feeling upbeat and motivated to take whatever action you need to .
Thinking of you today
Xx

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,
catching up with your posts. I can see why you are feeling extra panicked with your dad’s home on the line.
I definitely think you need some specific financial advice for your place of residence. Here we have non profit credit counseling agencies that work out repayment arrangements if possible, or bankruptcy trustees who advice if you are eligible to file for bankruptcy if that is the only option. They would know whether your father’s home is at risk. Good suggestion about selling your share of your father’s home to him or even giving it to him maybe to be returned to you upon his death or move to long term care. Then there will be no risk of losing his home. It is quite possible as IDI says that you can negotiate with your creditors directly. See if you can get some answers first so that you are negotiating from a place of knowledge. I know someone once told me that they are more willing to negotiate after you miss a couple payments. But you’d want to make sure your property wasn’t at risk first.

I too live in a seaside village and know the peace that the sounds of crashing waves and sea side birds brings. There are times I’ve thought it saved my sanity.

Wishing you strength to tackle things. I can’t promise you but often it isn’t nearly as terrible as we think.

Have a good week.
Laura

[Monkey15]

Thank you so much for sharing some very private stuff about your life, it has had an impact on me, of the seriousness of this addiction or would you even call it illness? Our deepest darkest thoughts are not often shared and for you to share this with a fellow CG is generous. Suicide is very serious and factors leading up to that point are serious. My thoughts a few weeks back had an addition of a plan. I was mapping out in my head when, what and how. Stupid, stupid thoughts I know now but an indication of how I was feeling and not thinking clearly about the future as I felt I had none.

Your story shows me how desperate you had become, you have a way with words, perhaps write a book in the future?

How long have you been off the gambling now Geordie?

It’s day 43 for me today…

Something quite interesting has happened in the last few days, my partner has been going through his own mini crisis within a committee that he is chairman of. He is at the meeting and it is crunch time now. I’ve been supporting him in all ways and even got him to do some mindfulness mediation with me this morning to help lower his stress levels. This of course, has taken the focus on my own crisis, which still hangs round me neck. Definitly not the right time to spill thosE damit beans… in spite of my own situation, I was able to pull out and support him. I know he appreciates my support. I’m sad that he can’t talk about our own relationship and feelings like he has talked through this, over the last few days as he has shared with me the problem, thoughts and feelings about the matter.
Anyway, day 43 is beackoning me to start work, it is another glorious summers day of 25 deg here. Sorry to all you folks in the northern hemisphere…back later.

Tina

[Monkey15]

Thanks for your kind words and advice. Laura, I’m thinking of the need to tell my partner before embarking a plan with the banks, although I am going to do a bit of research on the matter today and make a few calls. It feels good that I’m thinking about a plan and moving forward. I had the crazy thought about a year ago of taking out a life insurance policy and then having a wee car accident over a cliff. I think you can figure out the rest…. can’t believe I was thinking that! I only just remembered that. Back later folks. Sleep well.

Tina

[i-did-it]

So glad you didn’t go ahead with that particular plan you precious , precious person .
I think everyone has given you good advice – and like Charles says it right be easier to speak to your partner when you have a plan -knowledge is power and finding out the things you need to know for your situation will empower you whatever you decide to do xx

[Monkey15]

Yes, I’m pleased I didnt either Idi. I phoned two banks today and was transferred to about 3 different people over a period of 45 minutes, with little joy…amount I was willing to pay, even though I’ve missed 2 payments was not sufficient for them to holt referring to a debit company in the new year. I phoned the Christian financial support, who may be able to help out with advice and support in the New Year in a township about an hour and half away. Had a reasurring long chat on the ph with a very understanding and knowledgable woman, but felt a little awkward with her 4 minute prayer about me at the end. Interesting but I’m okay with that, quite nice to have someone pray and ask for support for me. This isn’t going to be an easy journey but I am determined to make it. I’m interested, how my interest in gambling has faded, why is this do you think? This is the longest time that I have managed to stay away from those horrible, soul sapping pokies….wish I never went to the casino on my 40 birthday.

[i-did-it]

TinA – a debt company isn’t such bad news . This is just moving the debt to someone else where the interest will be frozen and you can come up with a sensible repayment plan. That’s ok- that’s not bankruptcy – some of my debts moved to debt companies . That’s ok ! Keep strong xxx

[Monkey15]

If I end up paying off debt through a debit company, can’t they stop me traveling? It would be so good to have the interest frozen as I’m paying 22% on some of these loans. I’ve just gone and cancelled all my automatic payments as basically I have nothing to live on. Back later…

[finding_laura]

Hey Tina,

I was doing a little looking on the net for New Zealand specific info. This link appears to have good info, but i believe it is also an advert in some way.

https://loansfinder.co.nz/debt-counselling/

here is a link from the citizens advice bureau re debt management. Lots of links off of it and advice. Worth a look I would think.

http://www.cab.org.nz/vat/money/bd/Pages/CreditDebtManagement.aspx

One day at a time! It can get overwhelming when all our games come home to roost! Everyone is looking to get paid in the end. Too bad we couldn’t send them to the one s who we gave the money to. Chin up. You have an addiction you now realize but you are dealing with it.

Take care,
Laura

[i-did-it]

Well said Laura – Tina there are all kinds of private agencies who will advices you but I think Laura is right – go with one which is not making a profit from you .
It’s so hard to stop – but can be done .
Sorry to be a bore (after all I can hardly afford to talk)but have you made sure the extra money you will have is safe – it is so tempting to try win our way out of finacial trouble and we only end up worse off.
Xx

[kathryn]

Just been reading through your posts. Oh boy, I remember when I told my husband, I was physically ill. I got all my (our) debt letters, put them on the kitchen table and waited for him to get home.
I can’t remember the exact words…..something like, we are in big trouble and it’s all my doing.
So, it wasn’t a great day. He yelled, he paced, I cried and said over and over how sorry I was.
It took up 5 years to pay off the debt. He didn’t leave and it’s probably now, years later that I realise how much he must have loved me, to stay, to work it out.
Our secrets keep us sick. I can hear it in your posts, I remember all too well the ball in my stomach that would never ever go away.
But I also remember when it did. I didn’t feel normal, I had been in action for 15 years.
Not having that sick feeling was amazing, it did take a little getting used to though.
Every day you don’t gamble makes you a little bit stronger, every day you don’t gamble lifts the fog in your brain, which then allows ‘normal’ thoughts to filter in.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your partner is going to do. I’d love to say all will be well, but we both know it’s not a given. All the advice you have been given is great advice. Keep reading, knowledge is power against this horrible addiction. You will find the strength to do this, it will happen when you are ready, just know that no matter what happens, we are all here for you. In the end you need to look after yourself, you need to work recovery and ensure you can keep yourself safe.
Anyway, I just really wanted to say hi, and I look forward to reading more from you.
Love K xxx

[Monkey15]

Welcome to my thread and your valuable post. Have you been G free for sometime now? The fog you speak of is lifting from my brain, and the pain and realisation of what I have done is sinking in. I guess it is me, facing up to the harsh reality of what I’ve done and what’s been happening in my life and what I need to do for my own sake and those I love a round me. I’ve locked in Monday as my new date of fessing up to my partner. I live and hope he will possess the understanding to support me emotionally through this mess. Christians against poverty have given me an appointment on the 30 January which I am grateful for. The banks that I have borrowed from are offering very little support or understanding of the difficulties in paying them back. The may have already mentioned this. I’m up to day 44 of being G free and I’m pleased to be free from the need to gamble today. Thanks again everyone, you are all really helping me at this dam tough time in my life. On a more positive note, I have been creating mini herb gardens in pots for my family this year from herbs in my garden that have had babies and scrubbed up some old garden pots to put them in. I figured I could give this as a gift to a family of four to enjoy, rather than expensive individual gifts.

[i-did-it]

What a comeback Tina – you have sought help with your debts, you have been creative with Christmas presents and you have built up a solid amount of gamble free time.
Sounds like you are doing really well!

[Monkey15]

When you put things like that idi, yes there is progress and thanks for pointing that out to me. I’m having my 2nd session with my G counsellor this morning which I’m looking forward to. Slow and steady, eh? Things are going extremely well with my partner and I at the moment. I think me helping him with his mini crisis has made a difference. Makes Mondays reveal that little more harder or does it? It’s the unknown response I’m scared of…..

[Monkey15]

Had a pretty good hour with the counsellor this morning. Then, I have just received an email from the counsellor, saying she had a word to her supervisor about me and they want to do a mental health assessment with me on Monday with the crisis team. I have disclosed of my thoughts and plan from 3 weeks ago to the counsellor but feel I am in no danger to myself at all. I’m alarmed that they they alarmed when there really is no reason to be….I of course will agree to this assessment and will see what happens. Has this happened to anyone else?

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina , I am no expert and have not been in this situation, but I think it is probably protocol and they are just making sure they have crossed all the t’s.
I am glad you are in no danger -hope your gamble free life is going great .

[Monkey15]

Just returned from a family engagement party, for my niece, what a lovely evening….feeling stronger every day although a little anxious about tomorrow, we will see I guess

[finding_laura]

All the best with tomorrow Tina. I played it over so many times in my mind how I would tell my husband and what his reaction would be. In the end I was finally relieved to get it over with. The imagining was worse! It’s 1:38 am in the morning here and worried about my sons who are out on icy roads. I’m tired but having a hard time sleeping. You’ve been doing great Tina. You’ve been honest with the counselor. If the crisis assessment gets you some additional support it may not be a bad thing. Your thoughts were dark thoughts at a low point when you felt alone. But you are tackling things and putting in place support systems. You are learning more about this addiction/illness. I love the idea of the herb gardens! We are just starting winter. I’m thinking of an indoor herb garden for winter. Praying for strength for you! ~Laura

[Monkey15]

I don’t feel so alone when I read your wise words of support. The counsellor has been suggesting that I tell my elderly parents. This is something which I will and can never do, I can not and I will not put them through anymore grief as a result of my addiction and I stand firm on my decision in regard to this. I know that a GA runs of secretcy but this would not only hurt and upset them but also cause them much stress and with my elderly father, possibly kill him.

Any way moving ahead, two important things to attend to tomorrow and I hope for strength, positivity and with hope also that things will work out with my partner. I have imagined the worse but hope for the best.

I had a fleeting thought today about gambling as I had the time, a little money (not mine) and a good excuse to be absent for a few hours, I fought that thought and won! 47 days is possibly the longest that I have gone in 18 years. May there be many more gamble free days for us all.

[Monkey15]

I don’t feel so alone when I read your wise words of support. The counsellor has been suggesting that I tell my elderly parents. This is something which I will and can never do, I can not and I will not put them through anymore grief as a result of my addiction and I stand firm on my decision in regard to this. I know that a GA runs of secretcy but this would not only hurt and upset them but also cause them much stress and with my elderly father, possibly kill him.

Any way moving ahead, two important things to attend to tomorrow and I hope for strength, positivity and with hope also that things will work out with my partner. I have imagined the worse but hope for the best.

I had a fleeting thought today about gambling as I had the time, a little money (not mine) and a good excuse to be absent for a few hours, I fought that thought and won! 47 days is possibly the longest that I have gone in 18 years. May there be many more gamble free days for us all.

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina ,
I think the GA guidelines are don’t tell people if it will cause them damage – and I think you have made the right decision with regards to your elderly parents .
I don’t tell people because I know how much it would damage my son. There is a thin line between relieving ourselves of our guilt and actually putting our pain and shame on to others.
You have really good insight and are not blindly following anyone else’s opinion. Well done on your decisiveness.

Hope today goes well with your partner ! Will be thinking of you .

[Anonim]

Hi ya Tina

I’ve been meaning to post to you all week but really havn’t had too much spare time.

I think Laura is spot on with what she says about the crisis assessment.

You are doing superb with regards to not gambling. But the counsellor has made her assessment on what you have told her. You’ve gambled recklessly for 18 years, have never been able to stop until now. Most addicts reach the stage where they swear it is «different this time» and of course it is, we feel we are getting our lives back, but to those who work with addicts, it is something they here time and time again. A lot of the people who claim » it is different this time» unfortunately have some sort of relapse…..not that it is ever necessary. Of course there are also people who claim the same that do sustain a life long abstinence and recovery.

Having sunk to the depths that you were in a few weeks ago your counsellor, is ebbing on the side of caution, personally I don’t think it is such a bad idea. I’m not saying I think you’ll gamble again, BUT If you ever did how do you know you wouldn’t feel the same way. I know I did, and as I explained in a previous post the halfhearted suicide bids eventually turned into very real suicide attempts.

Tomorrow will soon become today, and then yesterday its only another day Tina I think it really would be unfair if you postponed this any longer.

Laura’s post above is typical of most peoples who have been in your place. The imagining what is going to happen or be said is far worse than actually spitting it all out. I don’t think in 8 years of using GT I’ve ever read of anybody being anything other than massively relieved to get it over with.

Maybe if your partner accepts it well you could tell him about the counsellors suggestion. He knows that you’re not mad and maybe this will underline to him just how much of a serious problem it is. It also shows him that you are actually doing something to help yourself, rather than telling him empty promises.

You done well not to gamble yesterday, but the fact that you even thought of doing it with someone else’s money underlines the value of ongoing support. Full credit to you for resisting but if you’d have been having a bad day or were badly hungover you mightn’t have been so strong.

I get where you’re coming from with regards to telling your elderly parents.

As I said in my last post the last time I told my mother I gambled was about April/May 2016. Telling her and her reaction has always been the thing that brought me to my senses. I gambled again about 4 or 5 months later and was still gambling up until a week before last Christmas, I didn’t tell her on that occasion at the time. But I know she knows now, I havn’t told her directly but have skirted around it, my mother has had a lifetime of my gambling, she knows. I’ve told you that I visualise my mother gasping for air as she did the last time I told her, when I think about gambling, I also visualise inflicting physical harm on her and my 8 year old grandson. I know that’s sick Tina but I promise you the damage that would do is on par with the damage my gambling has caused nearly every member of my immediate family.

You asked me the last time I gambled, well actually it was Feb 1st this year, I put the lottery on. That was the third time in four weeks I had done the same..no excuses I wanted to, I wanted to win some money.

However playing the lottery has not ever caused me or my family any direct harm, although I couldn’t disagree that it is gambling. And although it’s done me no harm in the past why take the risk?

Prior to that the last time I done any other sort of gambling was in the week running up to last Christmas, I don’t know the exact date and to be honest I’m not too bothered.

Recovery to me isn’t really about the number of clean days or the amount of time without gambling. To me its about the quality of those days, not the quantity. It is very very hard to come to terms with how you proceeded through life whilst gambling as you know, and getting used to life without it is also very difficult.

The guilt was a massive thorn in my side for years and years, and at times it still is. I just take comfort that I don’t do those things now. I am proud that I have changed so much, but at the same time so very disappointed I didn’t change years ago.

But you know what Tina, I really wasn’t ready before. I thought I was but no I wasn’t, I’d been lying to myself all along. If I were ready surely I would have asked somebody to hold my finances, I wouldn’t have asked friends to open up betting accounts for me to use, or ask to use their poker accounts. (i’m excluded from all poker rooms and UK bookmakers online).

Last Christmas, ((I gave you my heart)…….sorry fatigue setting in). Last Christmas I decided that this was it, this was the time I was pulling out all the stops. Since 2005 perhaps longer, I’ve said to myself, and others that I would do absolutely anything to stop gambling. But I’d always left little chinks in my armour against it, always keeping the door slightly ajar, never being able to let go 100%. 99% maybe 90% probably but never 100%. I don’t have the desire now, my barriers are there just in case, I’ve had a lifetime of addiction I know how it sneaks up on us, albeit probably with a covert invite that we cant even see.

Not this time Tina. Of course it is only ever today I worry about gambling wise. Not that I worry too much to be honest, its not bloody hard once you’ve got all the holes plugged. The last week or two I have been worried though I must admit I’ve been experiencing some big swings in my emotions. And the way I reacted to two people in recovery on this site was quite shocking to me. Thankfully I did arrange some counselling this week and feel like I’m back where I was.

With regards to your parents though Tina I feel I must say this. I agree with your reasoning and your decision not to tell them, as long as you get your partner told as a priority. But you should make a commitment to yourself that if you ever gambled again you will tell them. The thought of telling them obviously upsets you and its something you never ever want to do, it may strengthen your resilience. Maybe at some stage in the future when you’re months or years into your gamble free time you might change your mind and tell them.
Whether they ask you about it or not these days if they’ve had a belly full of it for years and years they are bound to worry about it still. It might be nice in a couple of years when you’re a new woman to tell them that you had returned to it years ago but you’ve finally given it up with good support and a lot of changes. Who knows what the future holds.?

Tina we are all unique people, but as CG’s we all have a lot of similar traits. The fact that we can even consider gambling again appears quite sick. I havn’t considered it since I last put the the lottery on thankfully. I attribute this to talking, I learned the true value of counselling during my last visit to rehab. I try not to sit with any problem, and try as much as possible not to go to bed with things on my mind..it really helps. Today’s problems could be the first step to next weeks gambling, if today’s problems mount up with tomorrow’s and then the next day’s one day next week it might be something rather trivial that acts as the straw that breaks the camels back. (Getting a flat tyre, the wrong sort of rain, being looked at in a funny way).

I’ve also noticed that a lot of our self-esteem is due to us deciding how we think we know what others think of us. I felt a worthless piece of shit for years, and I behaved like one, probably because I thought other people seen me as such, how could they see any different.

Addiction is awful as you know, but at the end of the day it is all in our mind. How we think about things how we perceive things, how we react. It is as simple as saying «NO! not today» It will always only be just for today Tina. The hardest thing for me to conquer was to believe in myself, believe I could change. Bit by bit I began to believe in myself again. Now I actually believe myself as well as believe in myself two almighty differences.

You’ve gone to some terrific lengths with your addiction Tina now its time to go to terrific lengths with your recovery.

I know you must be very apprehensive about tomorrow but please give it your all. Once you start don’t stop til its all out….don’t make your debts seem like the problem they are a consequence of the main problem. You could sort your debts out a million times it would be futile without addressing the gambling with the correct help. Of course your debts need addressing urgently but its no good trying only to fix the consequences without addressing the main issue. You know this, your partner will know this also I would think. Talk to him Tina, show him you’re working on the route cause.

I wish you well with it. Keep posting though Tina whatever happens. You’ve never gambled since you’ve been using GT, why take a chance and stop using it.

I’ve said on the forum recently, you might have seen, that I’m no expert in anything other than flucking my life up. And its true, I do have a lot of experience with gambling and lived as an addict for 35 years, I’ve been gambling free for less than a year. I made my own choices as you will make yours. We all have to, it just wouldn’t work any other way. I do sometimes come across as condescending, and sometimes I am. Very. It’s just that I can’t emphasise enough the changes I’ve had to make and how a gambling free life feels.
Once upon a time Tina, I couldn’t imagine a life without gambling, it was incomprehensible to me. My partner actually made me believe I could change, she was very straight talking, but I’ll tell you about that another time.
Any way Tina I’ve changed that much I cant imagine my life with gambling in it now. Well not today!

(When I used to say that I used to think to myself, «but maybe tomorrow or next week» I dont even think that now. Some people do I think because I know that for a long time during my previous unsuccessful recovery attempts the thought of never ever gambling again didn’t really seem achievable).

All I’ve written are my own thoughts and opinions based on my own experiences and my memory of how I was thinking at the time.

Take care.

Geordie.

[i-did-it]

Absolutely fantastic post Geordie – honest and real .

[Anonim]

I’m not ignoring you IDI, I’m up to there and past it with a lot of things…nowt too bad. I’m away for three days this week so probably not back into full swing for a week or two.

Ps. Thanks. 🙂

[Monkey15]

Just spent an hour with my partner telling him what’s been happening with my GA. I nearly chickened out again, God, that was so hard. I feel so ashamed…..he was shocked and couldn’t believe what I’ve been doing and for so long. Feel flat now, he has gone into town, asked me to go with him but thought it best he has time to himself. I told about my thoughts of self harm, going to doc, Counselling and being gamble free for 48 days now. Hope this had made a difference to how he views this. I am going to give him an out when he comes back, to our relationship. He says he will support me but I want to make sure he doesn’t feel trapped.

Geordie thank you again for your wise words, will get to you later as feeling quite drained now.

Tina

[Monica1]

Well done and very brave. I hope he supports you. Thinking of you.

[Monkey15]

I thought I would be feeling more relief but feeling very low at the moment. Work is a struggle but the day nearly over and not one I would want a repeat of. Going to Doc tomorrow and informing him more of what has been going on for me lately. This addiction is a dreadful thing to be experiencing and what it does to our inner peace and soul, almost like a possession by someone else, was that really me?

[Monica1]

That is the worst part, those parts of ourselves we really lose and how it destroys our lives. I would not wish it on anyone Tina. When inaction it is like having another entity that leads us to self destruction. But not any more. How has your partner been?

[Monkey15]

When he came back I said to him that if he felt he couldn’t do this with me that I would understand. He replied that he was still here wasn’t he. He said we would sit down and try and sort this out in the next day or so when things have settled a little. I should be feeling relief but this feeling of being so ashamed sits on me heavily today. He encouraged me to do some work renovations with him earlier, and I think being very kind to me. I think I would feel better if he lashed out. What the hell? My counsellor is very pleased with me and offered to talk with him.

[Monica1]

This is good stuff Tina. I think he sounds like he needs some time to take it in and I guess may go through a range of emotions himself about it all. Everyone deals with news like this in their own way. Personally I would not like the lashing out verbally although I would understand it. I hope that you both can sit down and look at it all objectively. You did good Tina. I think having your counsellor speak with him might be helpful. Just my view… not everyone understands how ghastly this addiction is and he might need some advice as to how best support you.

[lizbeth4]

Tina, I know it was hard to tell your partner. But that part is over with. I think it will just take time for it to sink in. The guilt and self loathing we feel is so tremendous! It will take time but you will forgive yourself. I agree with Monicau, the counsellor may be able to help your partner to understand this addiction. It couldn’t hurt.

[Anonim]

I’m not surprised you feel shameful. I’m feeling the relief for you!

You won’t feel shameful or guilty forever.

It’s great that your counsellor has offered to talk to him too. He may need to learn how to support you the best, he quite possibly could do with a bit support too.

You no longer have this burden hanging round your neck, I honestly believe you have taken a massive step in the right direction.

Well done Tina.

[Monkey15]

Thank you everyone for your kind and generous thoughts and words. I still feel yuck, will this pass? My partner has turned out so good about this. Do I deserve this, is this what he is really thinking.? It would be so easy to let myself turn mad with all this overthinking. Perhaps all part and parcel of this process . I did think I would feel a little. Ore at ease but it seems all those around me think this was a good idea, was it really. I am being so very well supported but still feel so alone. As I re read this it seems that I am self loathing to bits. I do hope with time, this too will pass. As I pat my beloved Burmese girl (cat) who is my constant non judgemental companion,, I’m thinking that if I am ever reincarnated that I will return as a beloved Burmese, cherished, as she is by her slave.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Tina,

It will take some time for the feelings of shame and embaressment to pass. It took a couple months for me to stop having sudden flashes of it that would send heat through my face.
I am one of those that think it was the right thing to do to tell your partner. From the self serving perspective that you will need all the help you can get to tackle this demon addiction. Keeping secrets while you try and deal with counseling, doctor’s appointments, financial appointments would have been very difficult. You would have had all sorts of feelings about keeping these things secret along with the addiction and the debt. I hope he can and will continue to support you. He is currently processing his feelings. I’m sure there will be some anger at some point. Even if just frustration at the financial mess. These days can be hard to get through. But look at what you are finally facing. This addiction has been chasing you for 18 years. Now you are turning and facing it. Very brave! you can do this.
Laura

[Anonim]

There’s a multitude of reasons your feeling so yuck I would imagine. You’ve just unburdened yourself of some big secrets, and it take guts.

That’s enough to knock the stuffing out of anybody for a while. Actually hearing yourself say the words may just of re-enforced how pathetic it all is, and how powerless you had actually become against your gambling addiction. I think every CG, when looking back during a moment of clarity, thinks that they were pathetic at the time, I know the way I behaved for over 30 years was pathetic to say the least.

I think when I have told people and received a willingness to understand and support. I felt very guilty, unbearably so sometimes. I would much rather they had punched me in the face at the time, that’s what I felt that I deserved.

Now your partner knows you could maybe ask him to take charge of all your finances, now’s probably the best time to ask him. It would help you both. It’s something I neglected to do, despite it first being suggested over 30 years ago. I gambled throughout those years.

Some people reckon you need two components to gamble; time and money. I say three by adding «the desire».

By getting your partner to hold your finances you are taking money out of the equation. By making yourself accountable by sharing with your partner, maybe you can take in more social activities together when he’s at home. Find something to fill in your time when hes gone, and maybe have a daily skype. Once time and money are out of the equation the desire slowly but surely disappears too. It did for me, I promise.

It might make you feel small and childish and feeling even more yuck for asking for this level of support but believe me, its a lot less embarrassing than coming back in 3 months saying you gambled again. I never listened to that advice from anyone. I’ve learnt from personal experience.

You may also feel yuck because you have just lost a big part of yourself, you mar feel bereft of it. You’ve lived with addiction for that long you’re bound to feel different. You will get used to living without it.

Once again well done for doing this.

[i-did-it]

Well done Tina – it was a difficult day and one which you were dreading but you did it . I’m not sure why you don’t feel relieved – maybe you feel your partner hasn’t fully processed everything yet .
However , he clearly wants to help you and that is a massive support-
You have received lots of good advice today .

[Monkey15]

Hello all you lovely people. So many mixed emotions as the moment and yes, there is a sense of relief amongst the self loathing, embarrassment and shame. I have an appointment at the end of January with Christians Against Poverty and they are sending out a booklet and a list a things they would like me to gather before then. I am so glad that I found this site and forum. I’m not so sure I would have got this far without you guys….you have really been my lifeline during this horrible chapter in my life.

G (partner) was a bit gruff with me this am. Firmly informed me he would now be taking over all the finances. Wished he would just put his arms around me and tell me everything will be okay. Quick kiss and told me to,drive safely to work….this guilt will,fade with time, I know…. should I be trying to be my normal self or show him I’m sad because of what I’ve done. Hope you all out there are having another gamble free day as we fight this horrible monster!

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina
morning here! That’s a good indication he isn’t planning on going anywhere in the relationship if he is going to handle all the finances. Just be honest with him about how you feel. Sad because of what you’ve done, scared because of where it almost took you, and happy because you hare finding help and support, including his which was so important to you. Some days it will be all sorts of emotions, other days you may be locked into one. I’m glad that there is a bit of relief mixed in! Day 49 ! 7 weeks! Well done Tina

[kathryn]

Well done on telling your partner. I know all too well how hard that is. So now, the aftermath.
My husband had good and bad days.
I forced him to handle the money, I could no longer be trusted and I didn’t want any temptation. It helped me a lot.
It’s so difficult for a non CG to understand this addiction.
Let’s face it, I barely understand it myself, so trying to explain it to someone who hasn’t been there is pretty difficult.
Tina, you have to keep working your recovery.
This is actually about looking after yourself .
Time is the only healer.
You can only do what you can do. You can’t go back, hell if we had of known what would happen things would have been different.
But they are not. It is what it is.
He’s going to have crappy days. It will pass. He’s there, he loves you and he is willing to help. Take it.
Keep looking after you. It’s a sensitive time for both of you right now, and being on edge would not be helping one little bit. You made a MASSIVE step in your recovery.
That, my friend is something to be truly proud of.
You kicked that addiction in the guts!!!!
Just take each day as it comes. You’re going to be ok.
Love K xxx

[finding_laura]

How are you doing Tina? Kathryn gave some pretty good advice about recovery being for ourselves first and foremost. Our emotions can be all over. We can feel relief that the secret is out, shame for the same reason, guilt for the secrets kept , anger for the loss of money and what it represents and on and on! I hope you aren’t getting overwhelmed. Just take things one day at a time

[Monkey15]

Hi there all you lovely people. Been super busy at work and I can’t believe how kind my partner is being to me. This has got me really confused. He checked I had enough money for groceries today..what the heck??? We are carrying on like nothing has happened and it is really weird??? We obviously have a lot to talk about…..will talk to my counsellor about this tomorrow. Hope life is treating you all well and we are all having another gamble free day. YAE!

Tina

[finding_laura]

well done Tina! Another day under your belt. I’m glad he is being good to you. Great to have a councilor to use as as a sounding board. Stay strong 🙂 ~L

[Monkey15]

Hi again everyone

I’m starting to feel like my good, old self again. It’s weird but when I talk to my mother on the phone I’m so overwhelmed with guilt, like she knows what I’ve been up to. This has been a lifelong battle, feeling I’ve never met up to her expectations. I know now that this was my own mind playing tricks on me and assuming so much that never was. I still am quite overcome by my partner reaction by all this since my big reveal last Monday. He is being a little more attentive with me and hasn’t asked me any questions about this GA. I find this a little odd as I always want to know everything! As I read everyone’s stories, some of us are really struggling to live each day and find some kindness. Some are life and death situations which is a situation I was all too familiar with a few weeks back.

Last Friday I had a long chat to my GA counsellor and was asking about stats for GA. Some of these stats really shocked me and then I realised that I nearly ended up as one of them. I am in a safe place now and the pressure is off from my counsellor and GP as they to realise this. I thank the universe that I found the courage to write on this site and the resulting support which allowed me to focus on the beginning of my recovery. I think it is important for us to always remember how bad it felt, so we never revisit the same place and situation ever again. Some of you are calling GA an illness, so what came first the illness or the GA? I can still feel that hot, sweaty clammy feeling as I gambled and realised after hours that I was loosing big time but still with the belief that the machine will pay back the winnings of all that I had lost. As we know this rarely happens. My finances need to be sorted this week and although this is a yucky thing to attend to, attend to it I must as I tick all the things that I need to do, as I regain some control and sanity of this insane situation. I’ve been thinking more and more of all the trickery that the gambling industry has placed on us to feed our addiction. My counsellor said that I must never go on a cruise as many have casinos on board and for some holiday makers, once they step into that casino, it’s only a quick stroll to their cabin and back

I remember about 20 years ago, not being able to sleep as thinking about the casino, I got up at 2.00am, got ready for work, then went to the casino, lost lots then went to work depressed, tired and broke for the day. Never saw myself as having a problem the. Why, hello??? Who in the hell does that?

Think I’m starting to ramble a little now so will sign out. Hope everyone is enjoying a GA free day with me. Be happy.

Tina

[Monica1]

Good to read your post and it looks like things are progressing well. I wonder if your partners attentiveness has anything to do with thinking he wasn’t paying you enough attention? Just a thought. May be totally wrong!
Yes, in 2012 I went on a cruise to recover from the cancer surgery. Not addicted then as was early days with the addiction, and didn’t play the slots at all. But did spend every night at the casino and ended up the stud poker champ of the boat. Pete came 2nd… ahhhh the days when I had lots of money. Poker does very little for me, as a cg ifound it too slow. But your point is a serious one, yes, boats have casinos. And I would have to be very careful if I ever go on another cruise.
Who is calling GA an illness, that’s a bit weird. Whilst GA does t suit everyone it does help a lot of people. I am interested in the stats you speak about. Is it suicide rates of CGs or is it recovery percentages?
Anyway well done on your gamble free time. I am pleased that things are going in the right direction for you

[Monkey15]

Hi Monicau

How amazing are you. I have been following your thread and here you are giving me encouragement when you have your own struggles in life. Yes, she talked stats in NZ and its not pretty. We all at some time think this is a answer but I know it’s not. In my work I see so much fall out from a suicide of a loved one. years ago in a previous position as a school counsellor, we had a young student take his own life. All the students in his year had been affected terribly with a higher percentage of alcohol and drug use, mental health struggles and dropping out of school and teenage pregnancies. The fall out of this one act had long term life changing effects for many people in our small community. When we are in that place when we feel we have no control or options, this thought can invade our thoughts. We all know that life has its many ups and downs but I’m sure if this young man had got through to the next day and spoken to someone he would have been okay, as would his peers. CG is more addictive and harder to kick than alcohol and herion. (Sp?) are stats of self harm are 4 x higher in these areas as well. But that does not mean that we need to end up as one. We are all here to support one another! Im becoming more interested in the addictive theorist reasons of CG. Knowledge is power as we all know. Thank you for you kindness Monicau, please also be kind to yourself. Xxx

[finding_laura]

When Tina uses GA I think she means gambling addiction instead of Gamblers Anonymous but I could be wrong.

[Monkey15]

I use GA as Gambling Addiction. Sorry if I confused any one.

[Monkey15]

I use GA as Gambling Addiction. Sorry if I confused any one.

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,

how are you doing? Making out ok during the stressful holidays? Missing your presence! Hope everything is ok.

Laura

[Monkey15]

Hi Laura
Not sure if this is a slip up, when I played for 5 minutes online with money given to me from an online casino, I guess it is really as I still gambled. I cancelled my account with this casino but it didn’t stop them sending me a freebie 10 days before Xmas!

It was over in 5 minutes and I felt nothing but shame afterwards, I was tempted and took it. What is interesting here is that I didn’t continue or want to continue playing. Kind of disgusted with myself for getting to 55 days then, BAM! I broke my promise to myself. Have since blocked myself from these evil bastards, they didn’t get me this time!

Life has been busy, in a good way as we head into Christmas and the New Year. Our sleepy little beachside village comes alive for a frantic 4 weeks as holiday makers arrive. I love this time of year here and sometimes pinch myself for living in such a beautiful place.

I’m afraid my finances are much the same and haven’t been sorted. It is something I’m not looking forward to and they still sit on the table waiting to be sorted. My partner has been away and super busy. He keeps saying we need to do this and offered to do so 5 nights ago but I didn’t want to go through them just before bed and don’t want to nag him about it either. It will happen and with all the stat holidays at the moment, hopefully I don’t get any calls from the credit companies in the next few days.

Well Laura, so kind of you to think of me, have been avoiding you guys because of my slip up, but hey I’m here and I’m being honest, so there you are.

Hope to all out there that have read this have a wonderful gamble free remainder of 2017 and pledge to never, ever, ever gamble ever again! What Ye all say???

Tina

[Monkey15]

Sorry for my late reply. Yes, I wondered about the attentiveness as well….bring it on! I’d say….I didn’t know that all cruises had casinos on them now, captive gamblers! I know of an older lady, who when she was younger had a luxury lifestyle. Private jet, apartments in Hawaii, GOld Coast. This all ended when her husband ran off with another younger woman. She ended up with the apartment in Hawaii and was comfortable until she went to vegas. They kept offering her free trips to various casinos. The staff there called her by her first name and made a fuss of her, she got totally sucked in by this falseness and lost a lot of her money. She ended up getting married to an alcoholic Hawaiian who bet her up, working in the markets selling pears to tourist and having to get a boarder in her run down apartment. The saddest thing of all, she felt the casino workers were her friends….she is doing okay now but still to my knowledge gambles.

When I travelled over the years, i liked going to Honolulu as there is no gambling there, is hope it is still the same.

When we have enough and or lots of money, it is a good feeling of control and knowing it was gained by hard work (for myself) I know what is done is done now, but I could be semi retired now and travel, travel, travel!! Some one else mentioned the things like beauty therapy, massages, hairdresser get left behind. For me it is also dentist visits as well which are left behind. Ahh, the good ole days of self care luxury that I miss!

Tina

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina ,
Please don’t avoid anyone on here because of a slip (not sure that even was one) . Every single person on here has the same addiction- and everyone on here ha sbeen through or is going through the same struggles – many «see the light» quite quickly but for some (like me ) it seems to take many years .

Laura wrote on my thread «progress not perfection »

Tina you have made fantastic progress , so rather than feeling shame fell proud of your very valid achievements!

[Monkey15]

Xxxx

[Monkey15]

Does anyone else get anxious when they go past old gambling haunts? There isn’t a desire to go in but a horrid anxious feeling of doom. Perhaps a reminder of the feelings when I lost money there. Very odd!

[vera]

I used to «visit» these dens of iniquity, Monkey, convincing myself I was only popping in to «see a friend/visit the loo/see if I would feel tempted etc etc»
I would say AVOID even walking past them even if you have to change your route to work
They have a way of luring you in.
Above all NEVER carry money
That way you will be safe.
I read that you «played with online money given to you , free»
Are you wondering if that was «a slip».
What do you think?
Is it a secret?
I used to whitewash gambling by calling it a » flutter/slip/bit of fun».
I know now that for ME , gambling is gambling
What do you REALLY think?
No need to answer me, of course,.
Just answer yourself!
GA literature says
«Don’t tempt or test yourself»
Wise advice!
Well done on your wonderful progress . Don’t take any chances!

[kathryn]

As idi said, don’t feel you can’t post if you slip up, we have all been there!
We are here to support you through thick or thin, no judgement. None of us are perfect, it’s when we are slipping that we need others around to keep us steady. Don’t beat yourself up, learn from it and move on.
As for the venues, it’s been 8.5 years since I first found GT and did my first self exclusion. I still find it uncomfortable going to my old ‘haunt’. It’s a golf club and very occasionally we have been out there for dinner with family or friends.
One time (I’m a smoker) I had to walk through the gaming area as the other access was locked and I didn’t want to make a scene finding and asking someone to unlock it ( I do my exclusions there, and I have since pointed this out to the club)
It was a 15 step walk through, and I was sick the whole time! This was about 4 years ago, I avoid that place as much as I can, even though I am excluded from gambling there. It’s not a place of joy for me, quite the opposite! It’s not just you!
So, in signing off, you have done amazingly well, look at how much you have achieved in such a short time. Remember that my friend, the addiction will try and pull you back in, keep doing what you’re doing, it’s working!!!
With love and my best Christmas wishes,
Kathryn xx

[finding_laura]

very good to hear from you!

I went out last evening so wasn’t on site til this morning. So happy to see this wonderful group of people was around with awesome support and great advice.

I wonder if we fill so sick after ward because now we know better. We know the harm that this addiction can cause us. It took us to the brink (you, I and a lot of others here). Now there are terrible feelings associated with it. Not just the normal little feel good release we used to get. I guess it isn’t a game for us anymore. It’s a matter of life and death. Don’t ever feel you can’t share here.

So you’ve blocked that email which is awesome. Whenever something happens we can look at what else we can do to make us safer. If online started to be tempting you can put a blocker on your device. You’ve received lots of advice and suggestions and that’s what we are all here for. To support one another!

I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays 🙂 Keep enjoying those little yet large and miraculous things like sunsets and ocean sounds! My sleepy little tourist village is covered in snow and decorated with lights for the Christmas season. Looks like something out of a postcard. Our ocean is slowly freezing and soon deep winter will be here. Take care Tina. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year xo

[Monica1]

Have a lovely Xmas Tina. And here’s to a ga.m me free 2018 where we can start to enjoy the benefits of recovery.

[Monkey15]

Hi one and all

My partner’s mood today have really got to me. He has had a disagreement with another local which has really got to him. The local man has blown a situation out of context which has angered both of them. Last two hours he has been slamming doors and looks like thunder, saying he’s sick of this place is selling up and moving to Australia. This is not directed at me but not pleasant to be around and when he says selling up and moving to Auz, I’m left standing, thinking where do I stand with him in all this??? I hate feeling like this, same old insecure feeling are moving back in…

He has just told me he is going for a drive, taken his phone and left and I’m wondering why he took his phone??? So, here I am, feeling low writing to you all. This local and his wife are meant to be coming over tomorrow afternoon, I’m very fond of them both. I guess that won’t be happening now….

Partner also told me that he doesn’t like Xmas and doesn’t believe in presents, I’m quite the opposite. I think he was telling me not to expect any gifts from him. To me it’s not the gift but the thought that we have gone to an effort to think and do something special for your loved one. I’m sure as a child he didn’t celebrate Xmas with his family, his dad, then mum pretty much left him when she remarried and he was raised by his grandmother.

In the middle of this I’m also feeling the guilt of my gambling history and how it feels like he is pissed off with everyone, including me.

He has possibly gone for a drive to cool off but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like crap…

Today, I have no plan to gamble!

[Monica1]

Hi Tina
I had a major row with pete tonight so u r not alone. He came in in a foul mood and ranted over how much electricity I had used. It is just what it costs to run, welcome to the real world. Well pete doesn’t do xmas either, never has, and is helping out at the church with a dinner for the homeless. Xmas even when together always spent apart. Some people really don’t do Xmas at all.
It will blow over I am sure with your partner. But for me today it felt like a final line had been drawn over what I am willing to put up with. we r not even together but enuf is enuf, I wonder if your partner is just hacked off with the row or feeling the pressure of Xmas and alL.
I hope things work out tomorrow and that he is able to make it up with the people concerned. I hope u ha ve a peaceful Xmas Tina.

[velvet]

Hi Tina
Nobody can tell you what your partner is thinking but I do know that the start of recovery is an up and down experience for both the CG and those who love them.
Did your partner express such gloomy feelings about Christmas before? I know a few people who say they don’t like Christmas and it is usually based on a childhood experience and nothing to do with their lives now.
Please don’t think that he is pissed off with you based on what you have said in this post. It’s a funny time of year for many and I am sure there are arguments in many homes with expectations of how it should be getting out of hand. Whatever the reason Tina, his mood is a reflection of him and not you – if he is struggling with the locals and the season then it seems to me he has problems that he needs to address.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty – you didn’t ask for or want your addiction, it could have just as easily been the lot of your partner. This is a time for you to focus on you and your recovery because you are determining your future.
If your partner came on to the F&F forum I would be saying the same sort of thing to him – when the world takes a nosedive and everything you dreamed about is upside down then it is important to get yourself upright first because you cannot cope if you are hanging by your toenails. Recovery for both CG and F&F needs to be selfish, making it harder for each to understand what the other is going through – only time gives the reassurance that is wanted and nobody can hurry that process, we can only cope with one day at a time
I hope your partner has returned and that he has cooled down but even if he hasn’t I hope you will look after yourself because ‘you’ matter.
I sincerely wish you gamble-free peace at Christmas.
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina
Well done not using gambling to escape the tension.
You have come such a long way – I hope Christmas went well for you and your herb pot presents worked out well.
Keep posting !

[Monkey15]

Thank you for your welcome words. I think I am entering a time of personal reflection as well examine how I sometimes overthink and take others negative behaviour, as being directed at me for something I have said or done. I can usually read people pretty well if I don’t have an emotional attachment to them.

My partner came back and we have had a great few days. After saying he doesn’t believe in Xmas and presents, guess what? I got some. So, it appears some of my Christmas spirit has rubbed off on him. At the end of the day it’s not the money value but the fact he thought of me….
I know life will continue to have its ups and downs and how I handle this from now on is going to have to be different.

Hours and hours spent in front of those addictive machines, not having to think about the hard stuff and loosing myself in a distructive rhythm of sounds that I can still hear in my head? Does that ever go away???

Today life is good. I’ve been nursing a baby duckling that got stuck down a drain pipe and have just found its mum and 3 sibblings. We live near a pond and I’m so pleased she has come back and I was able to reunite them, poor mama duck only has one leg, so I’ve been feeding them all.

Today I will not gamble cause I don’t feel like it!

Tina

[velvet]

Hi Tina
Although I am not a CG, I am in the happy position of knowing many who have controlled their addiction and whom I know do not constantly feel themselves being pulled back into its corrosive grip.
I know of many such happy lives but I also know it took blood, sweat and tears to achieve those lives and it is why I keep writing on this site.
I know it can be argued that words are easy for me to say and that I don’t understand but to me it is important to know that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel (regardless of who says it) and not only that, it can be a light that doesn’t go out.
Yes there are ups and downs at the moment but it takes time for a roller-coaster to stop and it takes time to feel yourself on firm ground but it is worth the effort.
I love ducks; knowing you saved that baby duckling tells me that you know that sometimes you have to walk the extra mile to make a difference – just as that duckling was reunited with its mama duck, you can be reunited with the person you want to be.
Keep posting
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Tina ,
I love that you helped the baby duck- reminds me of my childhood when we often had injured animals beside the range – it just shows what a sweet kind person you are.

You have come such a long way TinA and yes I get that about being sensitive and feeling responsible even when it’s not your fault .

You seem surprised that your partner would think of you at Christmas – I feel he values you so much more than you realise .

I can’t say if the buzz and sounds of the machines ever goes away – many people write once they find real recovery they no longer have urges- others write that despite years of gamble free time they relapse as the addiction is with us forever.
I guess all of us are different . I just know that if we can stay away from gambling life is so much better .
Tina you have come such a long way – you have been brave and upfront in your recovery . Look how much your life has changed in recent weeks .

I hope 2018 is the best year you have ever had !

[finding_laura]

Hi Tina,

Sounds like Christmas worked out. I would love to be nurturing and feeding ducks! I have to stick with song birds in the back yard. It’s almost minus thirty here today. There is an occasional chickadee or finch brave enough to face the wind and hang on to the feeders for dear life.

The sounds will go away pretty much totally in my experience. But it took time. There was a radio station that had a call sign jingle that sounded like music in a game I played. It took months before that little jingle wouldn’t instantly take me back to gambling memories and thoughts. Eventually they stopped playing it thankfully. Now it’s a very occasional flitting thought when I hear similar music. But I’m too busy to be pulled back in. Too busy with my new habits and relationships. I can remember seeing symbols every time I closed my eyes. I just kept changing the channel. If you still fantasize about it it will keep it alive. Beat down the addiction to something small. Fantasize about what you really want. Healthy you, healthy relationship, and healthy life. Gambling never gives us what we truly want. Keep facing this Tina. You are doing awesome. Laura

[Monkey15]

Hi there velvet,idi and Laura. Thank you for your heart felt emails. I love reading other people’s views, support perspectives and responses on my thread.

Last night I had a ball with a couple of close friends, we got home at about 2.30am and man oh man I am surely suffering today….

Spent most the day in bed. Can’t party like I used to!

I still haven’t sorted out my finances and that is the next big hurdle that I must deal with. My counsellor has the view that playing the odd lotto ticket is not really gambling, I know some of you here may not agree with that view.

I’m wondering if buying a lotto and hoping that I might win, then pay off my debts is a form of gambling??? It is only the odd ticket and does not offer that instant gratification that gambling can offer. Sometimes I don’t check the ticket for days, so I really don’t know here.

Back later, hope everyone out there is doing fantastically.

Tina

[Anonim]

Hey Tina

Thanks for your post on my thread last week, you wrote some lovely things to me so thank you.

I havn’t been avoiding gt, I’ve just been busy and really havn’t had the time to post, although I’ve read plenty.

I think it was a close call you had a couple of weeks ago with the «free money» that’s how easy it is to get stuck right back in the mire so I’m obviously pleased it was a one off, and you didn’t follow it up with real money.

The lottery is gambling, no doubt about that. The thing is Tina there are no rules to recovery. I bought lottery tickets 3 times last January, the only difference that it’s made to my life is I wasn’t able to look back at 2017 and say it was a gamble free year. Because apart from that it was.

For me it has to be total abstinence, and in all honesty I think that should be the game plan for any problem gambler. Other people have other views and opinions. Although I would think once you have some manageable debt repayment plans in place, you won’t even consider trying to win money to pay your debts off. The debts are there, and yes it is a lot of money, but not unmanageable.

We’re only 6 hours into the New Year here, I’m parked up in my lorry for an hour of two and was determined to post back to you. Mission accomplished.

Happy New Year Tina, and thanks again for your lovely post.

[Monkey15]

Life has been busy, in a good way and as the weather is crap today, with a possible storm on the way I found myself being drawn back onto GT.

Sometimes, I’m left wondering if my realationship is balanced. I feel,I’m much more into my partner, than he is, into me. I know we are all different in how we express ourselves…I know he is thinking about going back to Australia for at least 3-4 months in April, May. There is no way that I am able to take more than three weeks off from work….this is when my gambling got way out of control last year, when he was away for so long. How can he plan on doing this if he truly feels for me and stay away for so Long?

Am I the expecting too much?? You see, I don’t want to be with anyone unless they truly feel for me. No way do I want to be a second choice, or someone that will do for now….

My old insecurities are sneaking in again, do I sound like a clingy partner??? Is it wrong of me to be feeling this way?

Puzzled but not defeated

Tina

[Monica1]

Happy New Year to you.
If I knew my partner was seriously thinking of going to Australia I would ask my self three questions
Is this a serious plan or just thoughts about doing it?
Why does he want to do it?
Does it include me or not?

Depending on the answers I would then know where I stand. From what you have said. It does sound like he plays his cards close tohis chest and doesn’t discuss very personal things with you. I may be completely wrong and forgive me if I am wrong. What makes you think this is a serious plan?
And no, it does t make you clingy at all. If his plans do not include you then you need to know surely.
I have observed sometimes in life that when one partner is very into the other, the other can withdraw a bit. It is just the nature of the power balance between two people. Don’t ask me why, it is just the fine balance of things. I do think you need to discuss it with him though. It is kind of important to the both of you. It is just my view.

[Monkey15]

Well, he has a camper trailer and jeep in Auz and he was there for 3 months last year, I joined him for three weeks. He hates the winters here and is a real outdoor type person. It is something he planned to do before he met me. I’m thinking that if you love someone you set them free and they will come back but it is what I will be going through when he is not here that worries me and also where it took me last time….

The 3 previous relationships I have had, have usually been more balanced and I don’t know why it is different this time…

[Anonim]

Could you not get a work permit and go with him? Take an extended leave.

How will you handle your money when he’s gone?

I hope it all works out for you.

[Monica1]

Can understand completely where he is coming from cos if I had the money I would not spend winters here either. Agree with geordie here. And you are so right if you love someone set them free. I am pretty much on my own but will not gamble but it certainly has been a trigger, one of many, in the past for me. You will need a plan Tina for how you manage money and what you do in your spare time. I find the gym or swimming pool beckons in similar circumstances. But it could be anything else you are interested in.

[vera]

You are dealing with a couple of issues here, Tina.
Your man making plans where you are excluded
(THAT WOULD PUZZLE ME!)
Your awareness that you gambled in his absence in the past
(HAVE YOU DISCUSSED THIS WITH HIM?)
Where do you stand in a relationship that you feel is not balanced.
(IN THE PAST I WOULD HAVE «CLUNG ON». THESE DAYS I WOULD BE LOOKING AT THE CO-DEPENDENCY ASPECT AND CONSIDERING MY OPTIONS)
Only you can decide, Tina.How long do you know him and how well?
The one thing for sure is that you will need to be on your guard when he goes. Tie up your cash and focus on your recovery.
Stay busy!

[Monkey15]

Just sat down for a few hours with my partner and it certainly is not looking good with my financial situation. For me, it was an awful experience, felt sick as we waded through the mess. Went and had a shower straight after to wash away the sweat and had a wee cry…my partner was very business like and factual, his way of dealing with such situations.

Basically, I will loose my house if another plan isn’t available. My partner has offered to pay my arrears for this month but I have declined. I’m holding onto hope that Christians against poverty will formulate another plan for me….at the end of the month.

Afterwards we sat down and I thanked him for being so supportive, and that he was a good man. I then asked him if he was curious about why this happened in the first place. I was quite taken back by his response…he didn’t want to know or discuss this at all, i pressed him some more about letting him know why, he was adamant that it was in the past now and he didn’t want to discuss it.

Wow! Didn’t see that coming! I think he knows why is started and why it happened! What other reason could there be?

Reflecting on my darker times, I went and cut all my beautiful curly dark hair off, I think I’m the sort of person that needs to talk through stuff, about my feelings and how others feel. I know it is healthier to express yourself rather than self harm. I know if this relationship is to continue, which is my hope that I will need to find another outlet, other than gambling…

[lizbeth4]

I hope that Christians against poverty will be able to help you formulate a plan so you don’t lose your home. I’m the type who likes to talk things out also. Maybe your partner doesn’t understand how talking about why you gambled would be very beneficial to both of you. You don’t want to repeat the same behaviors. It is so hard to wade through the financial messes we make. I feel for you as I am digging out right now! You need to really think about yourself right now, your feelings and how you are going to handle things when you feel like gambling. Maybe your partner will come around and be able to talk to you about why you gambled. Just keep doing what you are doing to stay gamble free! Self care right now is what you need. Take care. I’m thinking of you and sending you positive vibes on your finances

[Monkey15]

Thanks for your post. Yep, I think this is the really hard bit, facing up to the reality of what we have done….not having such a good day today, I’m not much good at caring on as if nothing has happened today. My family, especially my mother had the attitude of pretending the hard and horrible stuff in her life, never happened so as a youngster I witnessed some horrible stuff that was never talked about again, swept under the carpet as well f nothing had happened. I recognise that this is happening now. I was a depressed teenager, I think because of this. Familiar feelings and experiences right now, but at least I understand what is happening now….

This forum and my counsellor can offer me a safe place to express what I am feeling, and that for now is okay. My partner, no doubt has always been like this and I can’t expect him to change because this is my preferred way of communication, I guess,…..some woman can be so much different to men when it comes to expressing ourselves.

Lizbeth, I think you are right, I need to really step up on the self care aspect and I have some ideas. I hope you are also getting the support you need. I haven’t gambled with money since the 24 October 2017 and I don’t feel like gambling but I am however, feeling a little low today.

Take care

Tina

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina
I am going to disagree with most people on here – but I don’t believe partners have to live in each other’s pocket.
I believe that we should keep our seperate interests and friends after we meet our partners… and you can go join him if you wish – that sounds fine to me .
I have always needed that kind of space . Some men don’t like all the psycho analysing we women do – I psycho analyse everything – my hubby kinda glazes over when I try discuss such things and somehow manages to watch football out of the corner of his eye .
You partner is with you because he want to be – it’s that simple.

I hope you get your financial plan sorted . If it’s a choice between letting your partner help you out and losing your house – pleAse let him help . You can pay him back – it’s not forever .

Tina , you say your partner is a practical person – the help he can give you may be practical but it is help jus t the same And his way of showing that he cares .

Sometimes in life it’s nice to just go with the flow- if his kind offer relieves some stress for you – that can only have a positive impact in your relationship.

I hope this helps – I just thought it might be useful to get an alternate opinion .

[Monkey15]

Your soothing and reassuring words make sense. My partner certainly falls into the similar type of male than your husband. Because of my profession, I do at times over analyse situations and why things are or are not, or things said or in said….and what things really mean. I think taking a deep breath and going with the flow might be the option at the moment. My partner is a free spirit and so passionate about his interests and what he enjoys doing. I would so hate it if he didn’t follow his dreams because of me and the pressure I was placing on him. He can quite easily go bush for a week without seeing anyone, and would be quite happy fishing with the sun on his back. Thank you Idi.

Tina

[Monkey15]

When I checked my overdue visa statement on line yesterday and today I spotted something quite odd. I was no longer behind in my payments. 8 deposits of $158. Had been into my account about a week ago. I can’t get any more details of who deposited this and was thinking it may have been from an online casino??? Will investigate some more tomorrow, but I can recall some members of this group discussing getting refunds from on line casinos for some dodgy dealings??? Would be very interested to know how this came about…. I imagine some of you that are reading this in the northern hemisphere are in the middle of a cold winter, by what is showing on the news. Today it has been a warm sunny summers day of about 27. I love this time of year and enjoy the heat which isn’t so humid as I live near a beach. At the moment I’m getting daily calls from about 5 different banks and loan companies about overdue accounts. I’m getting tired of repeating myself and trying to explain that I don’t have the funds for repayments. One way or another it will get sorted eventually, I hope. I need to remind myself how far I have come….it is good that I don’t have that panicky and desperate desire to gamble, at any costs. Nothing could stop me once that mindset, set in. All the lies and excuses to get my next fix. Thinking back I’m surprised I never got caught out at work or home, the times I was off the radar. Another gamble free day yesterday, today and tomorrow and that is okay with me. Take care everyone.

Tina

[finding_laura]

Good morning Tina, or evening for you. Freezing my butt off here 🙂 It’s been around minus 30 C.

I would say no man in this world is perfect! He’s sticking with you in the way he knows how I would guess. If he’s always been a free spirit it would be hard to tie his wings! Maybe you’ll be able to meet up with him at some point for a bit of time together while he is away.

The creditors seeing you not be able to pay is likely not a bad thing. It tends to make them a little more agreeable to accepting an arrangement. As some money is better than no money! Or at least that seems to be the way it is here.

Keep enjoying the weather. Sounds like a good time of year to take up a hobby. When we remove gambling from our lives we have to figure out how to fill the hole or void left behind.

Keep using your resources here and with your counselor. I’m so glad that you found this place of recovery 🙂 Sleep easy Tina.

Laura

[Monkey15]

Wow Laura..that is cold. Where do you live…the North Pole?.?

Had a wee naughty thought today as I was parked up near one of my old haunts. They serve the nicest hot chips and I was often in my element on a pokie machine and a bowl of hot crunchy chips with aoli, until of course till the money ran out.

I said to myself how far I had come and how I would hate myself if I walked through those doors again….

Thought, fought and won! Yahoo gambling addiction didn’t win today.

Laura, I am also very pleased I found this place of recovery. I don’t even want to think about what may have happened if I didn’t.

Back later.

Tina

[vera]

The most expensive chips, pizza, sausages,sandwiches etc that I ever ate , were those served for FREE in casinos.
They sure knew how to keep us from leaving!
I could have had a month in the sun for a day in those dens of iniquity but instead I bought yachts for the fatcats!
Never again.
Well done, Tina.

[finding_laura]

Not the north pole Tina but North America as a whole has been freezing cold. I’m in Canada so almost the north pole lol

Glad you banished the thought. Once we place the first bet it is so hard to stop. It unleashes the beast sooner or later. Maybe find a place close to the beach that serves chips and doesn’t have gambling associated. Is there such a thing?

It’s also nice to have someone you can call when having urges that can help talk you through them. Or come here and post or read a new story or thread.

Keep the money you have access to, to a minimum. Life will be so much better without this addiction and the drama it creates. You can do this! One day at a time Tina!

Laura

[i-did-it]

Well done Tina .
I find it harder to resist food than to resist gambling so extra well done.
I am feeling quite envious that you have such lovely hot weather while I am so close to the electric heater I might just cook.

Keep going Tina – you are doing great

[Anonim]

Hows life been treating you this last week?

[Monica1]

Everything Ok?

[Monkey15]

Hi there Geordie, Monicau and all
Yep I’m still here and doing great. Haven’t been able to log on to this site but sorted now.

Life has been super busy in a good way and I haven’t forgotten my dear friends that I have met on this site.

My gambling supporter, counsellor discharged me last Friday and she made the comment that I was well on my way in recovery. We had met all,our goals and I am so grateful for her support. I mentioned this site and how it has helped me emmensely. There is an Australian documentary called Ka Ching that she has recommended that I get and view. It is about how gambling industry and tricks used with the pokie machines to draw us in.

Haven’t forgotten all you wonderful folks and will be back later. Off to work now.

Xx Tina

[i-did-it]

Great to read an update – look how far you have come TinA .
Keep strong my friend!

[finding_laura]

Wonderful to get an update 🙂 They have done a small documentary here as well. When I’m settled after my trip I’ll see if I can find the link as it would be free to view. Take care Tina!

[kathryn]

So happy to read you are doing well!
Counselling is always a good idea I think! I tried it, although the girl was 20 and had noooo idea! Needless to say this site became, and still is my rock!
Anyways, wishing you a happy, gamble free weekend!
Love K xxx

[Monkey15]

I’ve just found a quiet moment to myself before heading into another hectic week. Had the opportunity to do some extra work during january which helps with the mounting bills ….

I feel for those of you in the northern hemisphere that are feeling your cold winter. Seeing on the news of the havoc it is causing makes me think of you all. I went cockle and pipi gathering with a four yr old and some friends yesterday. We had pipi and cockle fritters with lemon this morning. yum! The 4 yr old wasn’t that keen though.

It was interesting to read your experiences with a counsellor Kathryn. It can take a few meetings before you find the right fit. I went to a GP last year and all I could think of was how he looked as if he was 16 years old.

The situation with my partner seems more settled as I have thought long and hard about our relationship. He is what he is and I can’t expect him to change his ways because I want him to. He is the same person I met two years ago. I see the benefits of expressing how we feel but on the same token, not if it causes him so much anxiety and perhaps feeling like he is being forced into something that is not him….the fact that he is standing by me at the moment speaks volumes about how he feels about me. Being more relaxed without expectations is helping me as well.

I’d be interested in hearing any tips of how to stay away from gambling.

This is going to be my year and I hope will also be yours as well. No gambling since the 24 oct 2017! I’m heading into 3 months now! Yae!

Tina

[Monkey15]

Hi there everyone

Things have been going well for me non gambling wise. I went to my appointment with Christians against poverty yesterday, spent 5 hours wading through my statements and paper work. Felt totally exposed and vulnerable but had to be done. Paper work all being sent off for assessment at head office, should hearcback in two weeks on their recommendations as a way moving forward. Bunkrunptcy was mentioned again as a possibility, I dearly hope that isn’t what their recommmendations will be.

Earlier today, I had a snoop on my partner’s ph again and see that he has contacted the woman again that I mentioned. This has thrown me into a depressed state as I question what I thought we had and why he feels the need to have contact with her. I had thought that this had all blown over but it appears not. I don’t feel I need to and want to gamble but I’m still sad about this finding.

Did a quick search on mr goggle about how I should deal with this and what it could really mean. It could be his curiousity about what she is doing at the moment that sends him down this path, I really don’t know anymore. Should I ride this out, leave him or do a wait and see. This news has hurt me so much as I again question what he really feels about me. I don’t want to over react but I also don’t want to be living with a man who is thinking about another. He has stayed with me over the last few months and supported me but what do I now do with this knowledge?

Hurting like hell.

Tina

[velvet]

Hi Tina
I am sorry that your partner is giving you grief.
Of course it could be just curiosity on his part as to why he is making this contact but I would be more concerned if he disappeared for hours on end or didn’t answer his phone when he wasn’t working. You were happy a few days ago with the way things were going; do you know what made you feel the need to check up on him?
If your partner isn’t behaving as you would wish then it is very important that you look after yourself and do things that please you. Whatever you decide to do, please don’t let his seemingly inappropriate action rattle your recovery, you are worth more than that.
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Hi Tina ,
I couldn’t find your last mention of this woman .
There could be a perfectly simple explanation- it depends on what the text said.
However ,velvet gives you excellent advice when she says put yourself first – do nice things for you – and look after your recovery .

[Anonim]

Hi Tina

This is Geordie. I did send you a post before you last posted but I hurriedly deleted it I didn’t want it to become common knowledge that this was me. Too late now though. I’m about to cut my nose off to spite my face.

Im going to try and ban GT from my browser because it isn’t doing me any good reading but not posting.

Just wanted to say a final farewell to you, I hope all is still going well for you Tina.

One constant in the lives of the people I know who were Fkd up with gambling, but are now many years and months gamble free is continued and ongoing support.

I hope you’re still getting support for yourself.

Take care Tina, you wrote me a lovely post and I was really moved, I’ll never forget it.

Farewell.

Geordie.

[Muallif]

Xabarlar