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Dear CC
Well ‘murderer’ was a bit strong wasn’t it? The words that are falling from his mouth are the best he can come up with to make you do whatever it is he wants and he is not succeeding – so well done you. I know how hard it is to hear such things but there are no expletives that have not been uttered by active CGs to those they love and each word strikes home until realisation dawns that it is an addiction spitting its venom, an addiction that knows only lies and threats and uses blaming others as its coping tool. I really hope you will make the group tomorrow evening between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time or 8-9 pm BST so that we can communicate in real time with only kind and supportive words.
I am glad your younger son is keeping you sane but of course it is not his job to protect you and I hope he is enjoying his life to the full; drama and media is a terrific way to work out the confusion that comes with growing-up and I wish him well – how old is he?. If he is a teenager then maybe you could tell him some of the things you are learning and importantly, I think, maybe suggest to him that he tries not to judge his eldest brother, who is not happy or tough, however much he tries to portray himself as such.
Your middle son seems to be just that – in the middle and possibly trying to play devil’s advocate but maybe he too should read the 20 questions on the Gamblers anonymous website and even if he thinks he is absolutely fine he is welcome to use this forum and our amazing Helpline if he wants to talk about just being in the middle of things that puzzle him. Anyone affected by the addiction to gamble is welcome on this site. I am so pleased he is determined to do well in his A levels but I think it would be good if he was to be aware that dabbling in weed lowers his resistance to dangers such as gambling addiction which, although an harmless pastime to so many, is a devastating addiction to those unfortunate enough to own it.
Your youngest son is the exact opposite to your eldest son because your eldest son has an addiction. With knowledge of his addiction you will learn to cope and be able to support him in the right way so that he can hopefully turn his life around sooner rather than later.
I had to smile when I read that your son said ‘one in the eye for your mum’ because it was such a typical young man’s reaction. Sadly he didn’t win at all because every time a CG thinks they have won it feeds the addiction and that to me is a loss. Hoping he is one up this time will tide him over for a short time but because of the way he is choosing to live his life he will know more disappointments than you will ever get one in the eye.
I know you are tired and I know you want it over and sadly because we don’t possess a crystal ball between us nobody can know when your eldest son will cry ‘enough’. What I do know is that the more he is enabled the longer his addiction will control him.
You are doing great saying ‘no’. Maybe you could tell him that you have sought support for yourself and that saying ‘no’ is the right thing to do – maybe he could blame someone called Velvet and contact out Helpline to complain about me – after all if he is so sure he knows what he is doing, what has he got to lose.
I might have said this before but it is always worth repeating – I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that your son could control his addiction and be the happy person you want him to be, a man that he and you can be proud of.