[Monica1]

[Monica1]

Don’t know how to delete the title, finger slipped on the ipad. But I hope everyone gets my drift. Today is day 300 gf, a cause for celebration, and on the home run to 1 year gf.
Have things improved? Yes, yes and yes and daily I am grateful for it, each and every day. I really didnt think I was going to make it, but I am still here and alive, and i give thanks for that. My health has improved, my finances have improved and soon I will have a diagnosis for over a year’s worth of gut problems.
Today I have spent my time preparing for a holiday I haven’t booked yet and it is fun, that time in the summer when we prepare our summer wardrobe for what we will take with us on our hols. For me, I find it fun and very satisfying in a way I find hard to explain.
Pete moved out last weekend but he popped round on Friday night and within 5 mins both he fell asleep on the chair and I also fell asleep. It was good to see him and Bailey again. I miss Bailey but not the dog hair everywhere. I went to the chinese doc yesterday, he says still gut problems in mid abdomen. I have to agree as although things have much improved, I still have some symptoms and can relate them to dairy. I have noticed that when I have done a big shop for food, I eat quite a lot in a short space of time, and I wonder if that is related to lack in adulthood. In my childhood, my father was brill at cooking and putting food on the table, the one area where there wasnt a lack, although in everything else there was.
The chinese doc is changing the herbs now to build the immune system. Yesterday he put the needle where the third eye is, he calls it the happy place, and on removing it i bled a little and it is still swollen today but going down. Impossible I find to relax with a bod full of needles. I keep thinking what if the ceiling fell down. what if I fell off the couch. Am I the only one to feel these anxieties I wonder? It is about letting go I think and trusting. One thing we realise is that dairy is a problem, as I ate a lot of dairy last weekend as I love it so, but symptoms again on the Monday. When I got home slept as acupuncture always makes me sleepy in the immediate aftermath.
However, this is day 300 and things have definitely improved. Any excitement I feel is tempered somewhat when I get the creditor letters through the door and realise again that this is a long haul and there are still many things to be tackled. But my faith is growing stronger and letting it go to God an not me. When it is me alone, I walk headlong into trouble, story of my life really. When I rely on Jesus and God things are smoother and there is an intelligence I 100 per cent know is smarter, far smarter than I am and knows me implicitly. Here’s to a year gf.
The GMA programme is nearly over now and I am grateful for it enabling me to maintain my recovery. I was 4 months clean when I went in it but very sick in mind and body. When the programme ends I will go to GA again but need to find another group as my regular one has moved to another location which is harder to get to and shut down its three nights a week to just one mid week.
At 300 days I am glad to be gamble free. I am grateful to have the opportunity to recover my life and understand all those things that triggered my gambling in the first place. There is hope after rock bottom and destitution. We just have to surrender our will, ie thy will and not my will be done. Do that and watch how things change and grow, and how we learn about ourselves.

[Monica1]

I have spent virtually all of today and last night alone, which is Ok. I have read through posts when I started on the gma forum and appreciate the support I had early on from Vera, idi, jonny and laura. I can see the journey and I can appreciate the gifts of recovery. One of the Potters Touch programmes I watch on tbn described it clearly. The pain and heartache in my soul had to go, had to be released in order to establish a clearer connection to God. It was in the way, and it was. We can be reborn in Christ at any point. I had missed what was right in front of my nose all the time. Our Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus is our guide, moral compass and mentor in this lifetime. If we are gifted with others in this lifetime, great, but if not then we turn to Christ. If I sound like I had some religious road to Damascus moment, well in a way, I have and it took this addiction and recovery to show me that. I pray that all who have a gambling addiction and the pain it covers can come to recovery and find a new life, no matter how old, it can happen.

[vera]

Very well done on your 300 G free days, Monica. I have prayed for you every day since we “met”! Gambling has a heavy price tag. The priest gave a sermon today very much on the same theme as what you have written. He said, we will always be alone in this life. Alone and poor. There were 3 aspects to his sermon. The Dessert The Devil The Good Shepherd. In brief, he said Poverty is the “dessert” we live in. The result of this” aloneness “can trigger discouragement. Discouragement comes from The Devil. On the other side there is God “The Good Shepherd”. He is always there , waiting for us to cast our burdens on to him…… I would add, that for non believers , “The Good Shepherd” is like GA. Gambling is “The Devil” The “dessert” is when we are in action. Strangely, Monica, you were on my mind all day. I have always felt a special connection with you. That happens me with certain people and with others, there is no link.

[i-did-it]

Congratulations on your milestone Monica – what a journey you have been on . I checked into group but it was empty – seems ages since I caught up with people .

I am being bombarded today with the message that Jesus is the way .
This morning talking to an online mentor, then at mass the sermon was on addictions and for once it was actually interesting (different priest lol) and now your post . In mass I felt the sermon has been written just for me .

So perhaps God is al k tsending me a big sign !

You have been on quite a journey and I feel it is the right h no to do to give your testimony of how building/ rebuilding a relationship with Jesus has helped you .
I would l Ike to t

[i-did-it]

Sorry that posted mid sentence –

I would like chat to you to hear more about how specifically you felt the residential program helped you – I am hoping to maybe go there over the summer .

Monica -I am so pleased life has turned around for you – I think being alone is better than being unhappy with someone . I feel God will bring many wonderful people into your life . He has looked after everything else .

Keep strong and enjoy the life you have worked so hard to achieve .

Ps- nice to see you back Vera .

[lizbeth4]

Congratulations on your GF time! Your story is very inspirational for me. I hope your gut issues lessen soon.

[Monica1]

Liz, I should have mentioned you, apologies for the omission. It matters a lot to us when we re in dire straits the support we get and I just thought I would acknowledge that.
Vera, lovely to hear from you. Prayers are important and I thank you for that plus supportive posting when I was in one of my angry existential grief phase. I hope you are doing good still and look forward to you posting more! Funnily enough today was just one of thosetired days where everything is hard work, my Road was closed on my way home owing to someone being knocked over so I had to,walk all the way home uphill. I think the person will be ok, he was conscious when I walked past him. So I had a better day than he did. I have felt quite anxious and tired today. I notice that I grip,
tightly onto books I carry and have to consciously relax my grip… and try and relax my mind and body.
Idi, the programme was good,for peer support and to realise that we are not alone and that there are some very bright women who have got caught up in this awful addiction. Nearly every one I met has been a good person who just got addicted, there are workbooks to do which to be honest I didn’t do and it be helps us with recognising our triggers. The whole residential starts with our life timeline prior to choosing a counsellor preference. The timeline helps actually so we can see the ups and downs of life, ie good times, bad times. For me I didn’t need too much guidance as to why I started, it was fairly obvious. Is it worth doing, yes it is. I wish I had felt better at the time as I could have got more out of it but I found the whole thing just a little bit traumatic as I had no money at all to get there so had to get help from gma.and was so Ill while,I was there. i have genuinely learned the value of money. I have given some of my earnings to my son to look after but have not put the rest away. I find it is all still too fresh to ever warrant gambling again as I will be dealing with the fallout for years to come.
Sorry I didn’t do group last night, I was filling the bath with kettles which takes about half an hour….

[Monica1]

All I can say is that the chickens have come home to roost today. A brief respite for six weeks and contacted by the inland revenue todayabout thehuge mess gambling has left me in. This is all very depressing but something I know i must face.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I am digging myself out of my gambing mess, (debts) it’s hard to face but once you do, it’s freeing also. Try to only commit to what you can afford to pay. I don’t know what your options are where you live. Bankruptcy would have been easier that committing to paying off my debts but wasn’t a option for me because I wasn’t willing to sell assets. It will be alright. This is unfortunately one of the remainders of our gambling. Youv e been through so much and have overcome so much. You are a strong woman and will conquer this also!!!! Stay positive!!!

[Monica1]

It will be bankruptcy but it is very messy which I don’t want to go into the detail of. I always knew this was coming at some point. It is very daunting.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I Know this is a difficult time – I hope u are ok.
Be kind to yourself – this is a horrible thing to have to face.
I hope to catch up with you at the weekend.
Haven’t been posting much -long story
Talk soon xx

[Monica1]

Yes, hope to catch up with you too. Up at 5.30 this morning and went for my scan of the abdomen with focus on the small intestine. On way to station a large dog leapt up at me and tried to knock me over. Although I wobbled and lost balance I did not fall over! I glared at the owner though cos if I had gone over near to concrete I would have done some damage. As usual they couldn’t find a vein and had to call someone. I have dainty child veins and they often have use a children’s needle. Scanner not working properly so took twice as long, had to load up with eight glasses of mannitol prior. Then went to ha ve breakfast at cafe rouge to cheer myself up except it was t that good. Some days things just don’t go our way….. got given wrong ticket for train and then went to work and after went on a bit of a spending spree in Monsoon. . I recognised I was acting out a bit of a self destructive streak, when we have difficult things to face, I turn inward and it brings out the thing that wants to run away and distract of which gambling is a major escape. I talked about this in counselling this evening but had to cut it short as I was falling asleep during it. I am going to listen to scripture and keep my focus on Gods help to support me in this.

[finding_laura]

Congratulations Monica and I’m so proud of your 300 plus days. I hope you are too as you earned each and every day. You are a strong woman and I have no doubt you will get through things with the Revenue Service.

Gambling addiction is treated as a mental illness. I know someone who had all late penalties and interest waived due to medical illness. That helped greatly reduce their debt. That was with our revenue service here. Then they were allowed to set up a manageable repayment plat that would not act as an irritant to the medical condition. Maybe something similar there?

Regardless, you will get through this the same way you have gotten through the last 305 days. One day at a time. One task at a time. One choice at a time. Well done Monica. Those of us in recovery are really the lucky ones. Good to catch up. Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
You deserved your spending spree after a day like that- I hope you can finally get your health issues sorted. They have been lingering and it seems the health service moves very slowly .

I love monsoon- what did u buy ?
You have made he most amazing progress.
Can I thank you for the chat last night – I feel so my better today as the shocked feeling seems to have been released.
It has helped me greatly .

Monica – better to have an escape with nice new clothes than the less than nothing gambling gives us xx

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura and idi. Well woke yesterday up at 6 am, I wake early now but fell asleep at 11 and had to refix my acupuncture appointment. I realised when I went that my eyes have cleared up completely after six weeks of going weekly and just 2 weeks without the dog seems to short for it to be just that, a problem I had for about 10 months. He
Put infrared over the tummy needles vis a lamp and I found the warmth relaxing. He said 80 per cent of people fall asleep, I am one of the 20 per cent that don’t at all. Took some herbs to last me as I am giving it a break for 3 weeks now as busy for next three weekends. Went shopping for food in m and s And I really appreciated it. A lot and gave gratitude. I was walking past the herb shop on way back and was shocked to see a car had left its hand take off and reversed backwards into the shop window, completely shattering it. A crowd had gathered and police had pulled that up. This shocked me. I wondered why that had happened and was glad that no one was hurt. It really bugged me,why did that happen to a good person and I wondered at one point whether it was my fault. Now that is crazy thinking, but something I need to look at…. the Croatia football was boring so watched my usual challenge tv reruns of the chase and fell asleep early after doing the 10pm group. I had a recurring dream in which black gangsters were looking for me to kill me but that I had found somewhere to hide where I would not be found, a secret passage behind a poster in the street. hmmmmm, must be related to my inland revenue woes.
Idi, I bought a dress, a skirt, a white t shirt, a summery top for hols which is on top of a few things from m and s for hols, a couple of vest tops, shorts, new swimming cozzie, 2 sundresses and 2 crop trousers. Now that is enough shopping for me. Ican be a bit of a compulsive clothes shopper related to having no clothes as a kid. I need to clear my wardrobe and donate loads of stuff to charity or chuck it away. It feels good having nice new things to wear. Although I rarely buy something and do t wear it, i have made a few mistake purchases but don’t think I am a hoarder who buy things and never wear them. If I like something I wear it until it falls to bits.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

sorry, I was posting and posting yesterday but didn’t make it by with the links.

Female Gamblers: http://www.azccg.org/Female_Gamblers.html

Escape Gamblers (which most female gamblers are): http://www.azccg.org/Escape_Gambler.html

I hope you find this info helpful, but I may have sent it to you before.

Enjoy your lovely new clothes. For too long we deprived ourselves because we were spending our money on the slots. These are guilt free new clothes. You probably saved money going shopping lol. I hope the dreams have passed and I’m glad to hear you are feeling a little better in some respects. Talk soon I hope. Laura

[Monica1]

Was very tired yesterday like I used to feel a few weeks back and slept for long periods intermittently. Finishing work this Friday which is Ok. I could do with a couple of weeks off as I have a long to do list. I feel a bit anxious and also a little depressed, I think it is the huge debt issues and possible investigation by the Inland revenue. This really did set my recovery back and I feel mild urges this evening. Pete visited while the boiler men did their thing and i now have hot water. I need to transfer and give all my worries to God. I know that but struggle with this sometimes. Why worry about some future thing when all we have is now? I believe God has my back. Funnily enough my daily email was around worries and fears and giving them to God. Clearly I have some work to do on this issue.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, I hope my last post to you wasn’t preachy. I didn’t mean it that way. Being in debt is a awful feeling. I’ve never filed for bankruptcy but it must be scary. Being in debt is scary. I understand about the depression associated with it. Hang in there! Over 300 days gamble free! Be proud of your accomplishments. I hope to be there one day.

[Monica1]

Today I went and had my gastroscopy in the hospital. I thought I would be late as overslept but I was actually early. Well, the Midazolam and fentanyl put me straight out and it passed without event. Woke up and it had all been done, just the usual struggle to find a vein. Significantly, I was alone last time but my son was happy to collect me today and took me home. You get the initial results and it was chronic pan gastritis and duodenitis, which is far as they went in the small intestine when I think the majority of my troubles are at a level lower in the small intestine, and h pylori positive. Given a script for the same drugs I cannot take. Now just need to wait till mid July for the results of the whole abdomen scan of last week and come up with a plan that doesn’t involve those drugs which made me very ill. My son and I got some lunch and he took me home, looked round the house, said it all needed modernising which it does and agreed to move in, just like that.
We were both surprised when we got in to find the dog in my house and the fridge off and pulled away from the wall. I fell asleep for a while and then Woke up to find pete in the house. He said the electric had gone so he put it back on emergency supply and the fridge had broken. That’s the tv losing its channels, the hot water going and now the fridge. What is the significance of everything breaking at once? I googled it and it said time to move on to the new. Maybe thats true, What I really noticed is that pete did not even ask how I was. He said clearly I need to rest and he just got up and went. There is something so wrong with this. If I think about it I feel I deserve better than that. My son is going to come round on Monday and we are starting the big chuck out of what will be his room. I realised I would need to take an inventory of his and my stuff just to ensure if bailiffs ever got in his would be protected. I did warn hi. That the next few months would probably be filing for bankruptcy. He is very ready to move.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, I’m glad that your Son was there to take you home after the tests. Why did they give you a script for something you can’t take?? No alternatives? That’s very rude that Pete didn’t ask how you were. Sorry about the fridge. It’s been one thing after another for you. When it rains, it pours! Hopefully it will be replaced faster than the hot water heater. I hope you have a good weekend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
That was a very packed day.
It seems ridiculous that they gave you the same tablets for the H pyroli – so you can’t move forward with this until you get a remedy you can actually take . Doctors rarely
Think outside the box .

I always think that when lots of things break down and there is problems with electricity that maybe your house needs a cleansing ceremony – I ask God to bless each room ! Although it seems like when a little money comes in something always comes along to use it up.

It will be so good to have your son living with you – we may fight with our family sometimes but we have that blood link which creates a bond which is beyond any other bond .

Monica it is he most horrible addiction- in that even if we beat it or are beating it, the consequences seem to last forever – even a short relapse can set us back years .you are in a most difficult position right now – what with bankruptcy and perhaps even charges hanging over you . I’m wondering if you have had any legal advice – and I don’t mean stepchange or those other pretty useless organisations who follow a computer programme and then tell us all we need to go bankrupt or get an IVA..Perhaps a taxation lawyer/ accountant would be able to help you – and yes I know they cost money and that is something gambling has left pretty short of .

Monica have you paid tax on your recent earnings – I am thinking that would show that you are really trying to do the right think now that your illness is in remission (gambling addiction ) or perhaps hey don’t consider things like that .

I wish I understood more about tax so I could offer you some real help – the punishment for our addiction seems to be never ending .

keep strong and keep trusting on God
Xx

[Monica1]

I don’t see it as a punishment. Truth is it took a long time to get into this mess, for me five and a half years to get to into this deep mess that I never though I could get out of, hw,bling to destruction. can’t expect a magic wand to just get rid of It all, although miracles can happen… I haven’t done anything illegal either, this was all legal at the time and it all went on feeding the gambling habit. Bankruptcy seems inevitable. And yes, last year, was all ok as I got a tax rebate as overpaid tax as only worked three months. There are action groups I have joined as it affects 100,000people. What will be will be idi.
I have said a prayer for all the rooms though.
Working just 4 days this week, glad my contract was extended for two weeks. It all helps. Then off for a relaxing spa break. Need it as doing absolutely nothing from what I normally do, I have put my back slightly out of place. May have been triggered by the awkward laying on my side for the procedure. Nothing major, though feels like mild sciatica. And yes, I Cant move forward on the meds I shall just continue with theherbs, which have helped enormously although I doubt if they will resolve completely, particularly as I seem to have a lot of inflammation there still.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, You are keeping a good attitude during this time of future bankruptcy. I need to learn from you. We all know that with gambling addiction thete are consequences. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how long and the struggle of digging out of the mess would be. Was it worth it! Yes, as it changes us and moving forward we are different, better people. I’m glad that your contract was extended and that you are looking forward to a spa break. Sounds wonderful and well deserved. Hope your back gets better soon. Take care.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,
just getting round to see how things are, I seem run out of posting steam before I’m through the most recents. I’m hoping your son moving in is going to be good for you. There are always sharing and scheduling issues to work out but hopefully that won’t take too long to work out. Maybe it will be like letting go of that final little bit of the past and moving into the new future. You could still meet Pete for coffee or have him for supper on a night you are in alone. But the relationship will change and may even end over time. I imagine you can’t wait for your time away in the sun with relaxation and spoiling planned. May the next job land at the perfect time 🙂 Praying for many blessings to come your way. xo

[kathryn]

Just wanted to drop you a line, ive had a quick read of your thread and you have A LOT going on!!!
I was happy to read of your new clothes purchases. Its lovely to have some new clothes. Before I went on my trip I bought so many things to take it was ridiculous. My wardrobe needs a good clean out!
Your health…..its a worry that they give you medications that you cant take. Why??????
Hopefully the herbs will keep things at bay for you.
Enjoy your break, you truly deserve it!!
Love K xx

[finding_laura]

Good to connect. Good to share. Thanks for your ear and your kind thoughts. Never judgemental. Sleep tight. Have a good day in work xo

[Monica1]

Well, what a day. My road blocked off this morning due to appearance of a sinkhole. No buses so had to walk to train station. The street I walked on had paving stones that were very irregular and tripped up twice, the second time nearly somersaulting but I still managed to stay on my feet. That was a small miracle in itself.
Last day at work today. It has been a tough challenging job but completed. No buses still on way home and I saw Pete with the dog walking with a girl.
Did i feel jealous yes, did I feel territorial yes did I realise how daft that was yes. Well Pete walked me home all uphill and I had to stop a few times. He cleared out my broken fridge. I said it was stupid but I was jealous, he said it was just a friend from the church and #he had clocked me before he did. Spent the evening together and I never drink but we shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. Had my final counselling session with Jane and thanked her for a great programme that has supported me to express how I feel, even at wok ha ha…. On answerin* the questions re gambling and mental state it was blatantly obvious how much life and I had been changed forever, and on a good way.

[Monica1]

Well, what a day. My road blocked off this morning due to appearance of a sinkhole. No buses so had to walk to train station. The street I walked on had paving stones that were very irregular and tripped up twice, the second time nearly somersaulting but I still managed to stay on my feet. That was a small miracle in itself.
Last day at work today. It has been a tough challenging job but completed. No buses still on way home and I saw Pete with the dog walking with a girl.
Did i feel jealous yes, did I feel territorial yes did I realise how daft that was yes. Well Pete walked me home all uphill and I had to stop a few times. He cleared out my broken fridge. I said it was stupid but I was jealous, he said it was just a friend from the church and #he had clocked me before he did. Spent the evening together and I never drink but we shared a bottle of wine and had a good chat. Had my final counselling session with Jane and thanked her for a great programme that has supported me to express how I feel, even at wok ha ha…. On answerin* the questions re gambling and mental state it was blatantly obvious how much life and I had been changed forever, and on a good way.

[finding_laura]

Sounds like a very very busy day with lots of honesty and emotion processing. I have no doubt in my mind you will keep moving forward. Your sink hole reminds me of the story about the addict walking down the street with a hole in it. I’ll have to look back and find someone that posted it so I get it right. You probably know the one I speak of. You have figured out how to walk around the hole and avoid it all together. Have a great weekend. When is departure day?

Laura

[finding_laura]

Have an amazing time. I’m only slightly jealous as you deserve this so much. Stay strong ODAAT xo Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I was sure I had written a reply yesterday – it obviously hasn’t posted .

Yes that must have been hard seeing Pete with a girl – but so brave of you to discuss it with him. It occurs to me that being open and honest about our feelings prevents a lot of festering issues and hurts.

I’m wondering if perhaps absence is making the heart grow slightly fonder ?

I hope you feel a sense of satisfaction at completing the project you were working on – I think you are amazing that you can go into an organisation and take on such work – I like the security of going to the same place every day -I always feel that you are an exceptionally brave person.

Enjoy your well deserved break and take the time to reflect on how far you have come and how “unsinkable” you are .
You are a kind, strong person who has kicked this addiction to the kerb – so proud of you xx

[Monica1]

Well, i am back and pleased to be back. A lot of things went wrong before I went and on the journey. There was some good though and I learned a lot about my ayurvedic dosha and the foods that are good to eat.
Gatwick going out was terrible. Queues at check in ten deep and 25 people in each queue. Men with a dog and machine guns sniffing round everyones bags. Stopped at mine, did a little circle and moved on. Figured it was the tobacco…. i got there twoand a quarter hours early as i needed to post some important letters and buy some sun lotion but i only just made it to the plane and didnt post the letters or get any sun lotion till day 4. I was at the front of a british airways flight and I remember feeling really annoyed cos a tiny silly curtain split 1st from economy, this really irritated me, not cos i wanted to be in first, just all the attention they were being given…. hen left passport on a bench in malaga airport and found it just in time. Then noone there to pick me up or so it seemed. The travel company had given me the wrong instructions so after two hours waiting 70 euros for a taxi to find that my driver was waiting somewhere else. The driver was the owner of the place so it started everything off really badly. in the middle of nowhere and nothing to do, no tv in rooms , missed the england v sweden game cos the tv lounge door lock was jammed and noone to sort it. Also, no british, just five germans there and all of the conversations were in German. No wonder I was anxious. It was strange, like i could feel the light and the dark side of myself and it felt like they were in conflict. Maybe it was listening to german day in day out did it to me Energy started to flow on my return home, no queues and got everything i wanted to get at malaga airport. Good flight home.
What was good: massages and fresh food and teas. Went to the beach for one day and the local market for half a day. My tum behaved itself.
Now I am home and pete has come round armed with pizza and cream cakes, all the stuff I am not allowd to eat. But good to see him.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
It sounds like you had some fun despite all the set backs – holidays can be so stressful if things go wrong -the lost passport would have had me in panicking mode .
It’s great to have u back here !

Did you fly first class in the past -?
I would like the extra leg room! It seems they have squashed more seats in than they used to in the good old days and u get no leg room at all now .

You could perhaps write a trip adviser review so that others don’t end up in a hotel with disinterested staff!

Just think six months ago this trip would have seemed impossible so well done on all the action you have taken
Xx

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. Yes, even three months ago would have been unthought of and impossible. The owners of the hotel were lovely so it is difficult to do a bad review. But British people would feel cut off and isolated, something I know only too well and really didn’t wAnt a holiday to do the same and produce the same feelings. But I did make friends with a lady from Berlin who did her best to speak to me in English. By day 7 the constNt German had ground me down a bit. And the lost passport that I left on a seat did have me in panick mode. But still there where I had left it ten minutes later.
Spent the evening with Pete last night and am dog sitting this morning. I felt content to be back and that pete was around. I even admitted to the lady from Berlin that I still love the man and she has exactly the same sort of platonic relationship with her ex. Maybe it’s ok to be best friends.
I have never fl own first class or even business class. It is strange how it reallyirritated me, I think it is the inequity and if you have a lot of money the treatment is so different and the change is just a flimsy little curtain… No class on the way back and I was right at the back row so it was ok. Odd feelings in this journey

[Monica1]

Was triggered today by random ads on Facebook. A not so good holiday years ago triggered a big binge. And I guess I felt the same today. I read some rock bottom posts in here and that always helps. I Made efforts to sort a few things out. I made a complaint about some aspects of the holiday, was offered a refund of taxi fare if I had a receipt which I didn’t, so I didn’t get a refund, just a big apology for some aspects that didn’t go well. Pete bought me lunch. I did a number of things to sort my home out as the hot water packed in the day I left for Spain. Bought a fridge to replace my broken one ten day wait for that and started looking for a job. Grateful I could pay for it. Did group tonight and laura thankfully was on.

[finding_laura]

Very happy to have you back Monica. Sorry the trip wasn’t quite what you hoped for. Next time you will hopefully bring your own company. You are taking the good and leaving the rest behind. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being best friends with an ex or really good friends. Though I think it can be harder when one still hopes there would be more even if they don’t expect it. A difficult rather tormenting spot to be in I would think. Sorry don’t have an answer for that one. And like most things that really involve emotions there is no simple answer.
You are working towards your one year of no gambling! That wasn’t easy but you are doing it. If you still don’t quite feel like your reward trip did the job go looking for something with special meaning as your reward. I bought a beautiful scarf covered in monarch butterflies. It was so bright and gorgeous. And a reminder every time I wore it that I am deserving of special things. Have a good day lovely Monica.
Laura xo

[Monica1]

That’s lovely re the scarf, butterflies, infinity, freedom and transformation is what butterflies represent and funnily enough my Ayurvedic Dosha is Vata which is described as butterfly like. Difficult to sit or stand still in life and on a daily basis. I have bought myself a few things and that is great and one of the benefits of recovery particularly when gambling I bought myself very little as it all went I to the slots. Whilst that is important it isn’t the be all and end all. I seek purpose and would love to have my life purpose revealed, as even after all the spirituality and searching within all my life I haven’t a clue. In a shamanic course I did many years ago, we did life purpose and I got primarily to love myself and then to love others. Could it really be that simple?
Well I now have hot water yea. Engineer said it had gotten too hot and tripped out. hmmmm, sounds like me. There are many things to buy for the house, new bed and hoover but have decided to wait until next job materialises. The aim is not going to claim benefits this time round, I really don’t want to.
Have hard elsewhere if a few relapses and it is odd how they all seem to come at the same time. I too have been triggered and sitting alone in my house is a bit of one but I am going to seek,out,other things to do, and one of them is to get in shape, gently at first. I have around a stone to lose. I find the inner battle that manifested when I was on holiday reducing. The obsessive thought that keep coming into my mind are a hangover from the gambling habit when it seems like jappymsays are the red and the green head. Those two heads seem to stay with us, I would prefer just the one happy head….and heart.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Perhaps you have been living your life purpose all along –
Helping the many people in your life who you are always there for .

Perhaps our life purpose is to go where life leads us and make the most of the journey.

I have a job which is so fulfilling – yet I think my life purpose is my family .

It’s great that you have hot water at last ! You are so patient to go without it for so long . Also patient in waiting to buy the things you want – patience is a great quality – one I don’t have – I want everything now which is probably why I have so many gambling urges .

There have been quite a few people at rock bottom on here recently and yes it is a very sharp reminder to us all.

Hope to catch u in group soon .

[Monica1]

As always good to hear from you and I am glad you had a good break. Thanks for the kind words around the life purpose. Wish that were 100 per cent true… Sounds like we all seem to get the urges at the same time… but haven’t acted on them which is great. Googled diets instead lol. I have just had a hot bath, divine! And slathered the tan maximiser on , as have a good colour from the sun. Simple pleasures sometimes. Am vegging out a bit today as have a teeny bit of a cold from the airplane, had it for a day or two when away and the air con seems to do it to me. Without a fridge it’s takeaway city here but trying to keep it reasonably healthy, egg foo yung today….

[kathryn]

In chat now if you’re around!!!

[kathryn]

Sorry I missed you in chat, I just went downstairs to make a coffee! Its 8.30am here, and a cold morning at that!
What I wouldn’t give for a hot bath! We don’t have one in this house, and I’m now at the age where I am able to lay in a bath without the kids asking me 500 questions at the door.
I really miss it.
I’m sorry your trip didn’t go quite to plan, but it seems like you found a lot of good to talk about as well.
Anyways, I’m sorry I missed you, its not often I catch a group. Hope you have a great day,
Love K xxx

[Monica1]

In truth I dipped in and dipped out, I was feeling unwell yesterday and last night, so fell asleep just after popped,in to group. Realised I am one of the 20 per cent who develop sometimes, not every flight, an allergic rhinitis following flights. On the outward flight I started sneezing a lot and then post return eyes and nose started to stream with constant sneezing rather like hay fever. This is common apparently and something to do with the air conditioning apparently.
Well today I start to deal with an annoying bill my mobile who say I haven’t paid when I have and had to send the proof. I find dealing with bills and creditors plus mistakes made excruciating. I cannot be the only one like this. Maybe it is the years of debt but letters still sit,unopened for a while and I hve to really psych up to open them. So,many mistakes are made in services, why, why? I guess cos they are all human. I have another bill for 140 quid when I cancelled the service. It has taken me months to even attempt to sort this one out let alone the much bigger debts which I still keep putting off.
I watched John Cleese last night who says the U.K. sucks and is moving to Nevis in the Caribbean. You know, I have felt this country sucks for a long time, I really noticed it at Gatwick, all the strongly worded signs about immigration and then police with machine guns walking past each and every person in check in. If we follow the us then we are truly screwed….

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Move to Ireland. !!
We have just had a blissful and freak heat wave !

Bills drive me mad – as do broken appliances .
My washing machine is broken. It is so annoying and yet it is not lost on me that I can afford to go to the local laundrette – simple things that a little money makes a lot better !

Flights definitely are not good for our health !!
Hope to catch u in chat over the next few days

[Monica1]

Yes, I feel a little better today and went to have my free ha ha over 60 eye test. When I say I am unemployed, I am guided to the cheap specs where usually it is designer. And do you know, no difference, none at all, I spent less than half of what I usually do on a two for one.
The large sink hole is still being worked on weeks onand my road iscosed so I walked to specsavers and took a bus out of my way to my gourmet cheese shop which has closed down. A woman speaks to me on the bus saying have I got water. Apparently some people in roads near me have had no water supply for a month because of idiot water company drilling and creating the large sink hole. I go to my favourite cafe and they have changed the recipe for my favourite dish and it doesn’t taste as good. From fresh squeezed juices, they now sell bottled juice. I wondered why it was empty. In life everything changes, and sometimes it isn’t for the better. Quality is diminished and I think that is the story of the U.K. and where it is headed.
I decide that I will join a book club and buy some books in my local bookshop. They have a creative writing course and I decide I will join it in September. Important lesson is that what we want to become in life we have to seek out and be around.
Pete came round armed with wine and a curry as he didn’t want me to be alone watching the England game. I think that is so sweet. It was truly agonising to watch… but not an unexpected, for me, outcome.
Idi, how on earth can I move to Ireland?

[Monica1]

Optician says I have rampant blepharitis and dry gritty but streaming eyes caused this time by the flight. My gp had prescribed something totally inappropriate as I don’t have an infection. She prescribed me drops and wipes. You know what, gps are hopeless and just guess half the time. I sound like a grumpy old woman, bit you know what, I am actually seeing things as they are.

[Monica1]

He gives me a kiss, just a peck direct on the kisser. He did this before I left for Spain. He never does this.
I really like having him around sometimes. He lives with an old man who has let him the room but whose washing machine has seen better days. I say he can wash his clothes in my machine. I am genuinely not hopeful that things will develop again but I am quite content that we hve this friendship,which seems to last through thick and thin. If anyone has ever felt ,ike my husband in life it is him, but hey it is what it is.
We both know it will change when my son moves in but I am sure we will get around that.

[Monica1]

Post England and wine blues and sleepiness I think. Did Charles group. It is so important to consistently use support. I spoke to my GA friend and at some point I will go along soon. Although I kinda know GA is t really for me, but will try different groups. I am wondering about getting counselling privately to keep up the process of talking and getting some feedback. As a child I was scared of the dark and I think i still have elements of that little girl who gets anxious still there deep within. I still sleep with the light on even now as I did as a child.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica Firstly – some people can have romantic relationships but perhaps are best not living together- why not ?

Life is short, love makes it sweeter and do whatever makes u happy ! There are no rules !

I think our self-imposed financial limitations have us looking at everything differently- we know that we are fortunate in that we still have earning power -(yes power because money is power) and we realise that not everyone who makes mistakes or cannot get by is as fortunate .

It’s a cruel world – in many ways human society is as ferocious as wild packs of animals – where the weak are left to fend for themselves or abandoned .

We pretend at being civilised by helping certain segments of society but in truth we prefer to ignore the more feral parts of our nature and our society . For example We leave homeless people to die exposed to the elements each year just as animals abandon their weak … and if they have an addiction – we can excuse ourselves from guilt and blame that.

So maybe I am getting old and grumpy too but I look and I see and I don’t like a lot of what I see !

Onwards and upwards xx

[Monica1]

Love your insights. And I agree re the world, all we can do is not be like that. Look,how feral everything is around Teresa may now, leaving her to do the hard stuff that no one wants to touch and then they will go in for the kill, not that I agree with anything she does, she has made more u turns that an out of control car. And ty, re your insight about Pete. It isn’t a romantic relationship any more. Not sure what it is, two people who loved each other and still do but aren’t together without any physical contact, well aside from the other day and that was just a peck. Don’t think I want to define it really. Good friends are hard to come by so I will just rejoice in it and accept,it for what it is. He just rung me as has just lost his wallet for the third time this year, dear me…
Well, went to the hospital this morning and confirmed chronic infection in the stomach and small bowel plus irritable bowel. To take the awful triple therapy again and if allergic referral to an allergy specialist and referred to a dietician, as there is a diet apparently that helps with ibs. Was dismayed that after swimming all last week and eating an Ayurvedic diet I have put on 5 lbs. So, it is to weightwatchers for me, I don’t want to put any more on as I feel very uncomfortable when I carry too much weight and have well over a stone to lose, probably more like a stone and a half.
It is good new though really,
cos,I don’t have cancer anywhere in my abdomen, some small uterine fibroids, but the scan did show that my colon was in spasm even though I wasn’t having any symptoms at the time. Life is strange. A major symptom of h pylori is anxiety and I definitely have a lot more of that than I ever did. Wish there was another way. Of course, the doc trashed going to see a Tcm practitioner and said you don’t have candidiasis as we tested for it. Hey ho… hard to know what to do these days isnt it!

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica,
I’m playing catch up but happy that we have been connecting some in chat as it keeps me in the loop. You’ve got a lot going on and lots of thoughts going on!

GA – every group is a little different it seems from the various descriptions I’ve heard on this site in comparison to mine. There is only one GA group within a two hour radius so my choice is limited. I happened to be very lucky I think in that I had a functional supportive group. Every meeting probably has traditions that people are a little uncomfortable with. I guess it’s a matter of deciding whether the support on the whole is healthy. A supportive group don’t mind small adaptations. Sometimes people in my group will say they have an addiction problem instead of saying they are Compulsive Gamblers. That whole label thing we’ve hashed around before. I liked that we would do the daily reading and then a person could give their thoughts during round table. Sometimes it didn’t fit me and I would voice how I felt about the statement and where I was coming from personally. IE Big shot mentality, although I’ve come to think I did have it in certain ways different than the average big shot gambling bear! it would sound more like they were describing my partner’s behaviour not my own sometimes in the reading! One of our group who often led meetings would say, take the best and leave the rest. In my mid twenties I attended two other 12 step programs that had a different look at things. Al Anon, which is for people who’s spouses have a drinking problem. My husband didn’t have a drinking problem but I thought he had a drug problem and that was the closest thing I had use of. I also started attending Adult Children of Alc0holics which I was, and it comes from a more supportive point of view. Link for anyone who may be interested: https://adultchildren.org/literature/problem/

So, sorry very long ramble to say use the meeting as a tool for you from your perspective. And use the face to face support to help give you what you need!

Counseling sounds good as well. Unresolved childhood traumas can most definitely stay buried under the surface.

Ending on a high note you have made amazing progress Monica. Even all those days you just hung on, you didn’t let it slip away and that was progress. Hugs Monica, hope you have a lovely evening.

Laura

P.S. I slept in, woke up to a lovely clean house. My sister in law stayed for a chat after and what she confided in me helped to melt some of the anger I had been holding on to about the in laws. Even though they constantly snub my husband it turns out that is a greater blessing! Cryptic I know. Chat in group.

[Monica1]

Yes, in GA they also say the same, tHe the best and leave the rest. Thing is my experience of the majority of the support and doing the steps wasn’t a good one, although my GA girlfriend has been consistent and she wasn’t my sponsor. Takes a wk an I think sometimes. my childhood trauma has been gone over so many times. There was quite a lot of it and I am over it all lol. I forgive them all!

[Monica1]

Takes a woman I meant. Got distracted when writing the post. Hope to talk in chat later.

[finding_laura]

Sorry I missed you. The dog is wanting in and out and in and out. Wondering if there is a storm coming. Or she is trying to convince me to give her the leftover pork chop on the table. lol Yes I think at a certain point we have to forgive the people in our past. Although there are exceptions most people were doing the best they could. But interesting you are still afraid of the dark and felt there was something unresolved? or had I read that wrong? I had a great day today. Lots of me time. But also got the fridge cleaned out and a few flowers I had left from a few weeks ago planted finally. It took me a while to get the spot ready for them it was so full of weeds. I feel like that in recovery. Pulling out the weeds that have grown up while neglecting myself and planting beautiful colourful petunias in their place. Now to fertilize and watch them grow and bloom!

Btw, I was in GA for three years before I did the steps. I felt ready. No time line as far as I’m concerned. It’s 9 years in the fall that I truly started recovery and turning my life around. I haven’t made it through nearly half the steps and it’s been said they don’t even have to be done in order. I am a work in progress just like my life. Bless you Monica. Thanks for your brilliant thoughts on IDI’s post about recovery vs abstinence. Have a good night. I will be heading for a lay down after chat is closed.
take care, Laura xo

[Monica1]

Haven’t posted much over past couple of days cos I haven’t slept properly due to the heat. Also lack of a fridge and a reliance on takeaways has set my tummy issues back quite a lot. It is clear I have to keep to a permanent change of diet once my fridge arrives which is later this week. All was calm when I kept to a simple Mediterranean diet last week. Ice cream, vegetables, pizza, cheese, dairy, curry, can’t eat any of it without paying a hefty price. Good job I am seeing the dietician at the hospital. Spent the weekend alone aside from acupuncture in which I sat down and said look, my symptoms definitely improved but if you can’t eradicate it let’s not waste our time. I got the healing comes from me and I have had a long time with this, can’t expect it to go in a couple of months. Hmmmmm. I yelped when he wiggled a needle in my leg, the hot weather made my legs very sensitive and I shed a tear when he did it. I was cross because he didn’t listen.
Well today picked up a driving license application form and bought comlletely new bedding, everything, a fan, a fancy mop and bucket, and a hoover. Can’t quite get the bed yet. I haven’t bought any new stuff for the house in like forever, a good few years so I am pleased to do so.
I must curb my spending now as not sure where next job is coming from. But a new fridge, hoover and bedding is an excellent start to the regeneration programme.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, it is warm and humid here today with rain looming. The weather does prevent me from roaming to far from home. I’d rather stay under the fan at home. Lol! Yes, when you get your fridge, you can better regulate your diet. Iver found that too much dairy and or spicy food upsets my digestive system. Part of aging, I guess. New household items always make be appreciative. The last items I bought were bed pillows. The best investment! When is your Son moving in? Youv e come such a long way. You make me stay motivated!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
It is so good to be able to buy new things for our homes / I feel it really gives us a sense of what can be .

Sorry to hear about your stomach – it seems like a Mediterranean diet is the answer – and that doesn’t come cheap ! You are wise to keep a little money back .

The good thing is that we are gamble free and looking forward ! Talk soon

[Monica1]

When you are out of work each day rolls into the next day with very little to differentiate between each day. Some days I would sooner do nothing and part of me is grateful for the time out, another side remembers the 9 months of destitution in recovery And wants to avoid that. It is 2 weeks at home and three weeks out of work now and I start to go stir crazy. Some days I speak to no one at all. Some days I feel anxious, I think it is doing nothing that makes us turn inward and not see things as they r. I still !am avoiding opening letters, a phase I seem to go through and then get over it and tackle them. But I still can’t address the big debts and wonder how long it will be before I file for bankruptcy. I can not avoid claiming beneft S again, and this breaks my heart, it is like Groundhog Day, the same thing over and over again.
Today though my sister texted me, she gain is struggling to make ends meet as the expenses in her new home are higher. She earns very little as a legal secretary full time which is typical.of this country, most people don’t earn enough to cover their basic bills.
And then my hot water packs in again for the third time, this time they will bring a supervisor along. She is 63 soon and finding full time working very hard. There is a movement in this country called the waspi women, pushing for the retirement age for women to be lowered to 60,as it used to be. It,is a struggle for those who want to,work and those who dont and have to.work…
I got my over 60s bus pass today, ha ha, free travel.in London after 9.30am. That will save a lot.
My new fridge arrived, which pleased me a lot. Just little things. Being without a fridge for now about a month has been very difficult. Pete also rang and will visit tomorrow.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I can’t believe the eater heater stopped working again! Hopefully it won’t take a song as last time to fixed or replaced. I can go days without talking to anyone. You do start feeling isolated. Honestly, I think it is hard to get employment when you are in your 60’s. I don’t understand why? We have a lot of experience to offer, we are responsible. I’m sorry that your Sister is having difficulties. I remember not wanting to open the bills. A lot of anxiety. You will know when the time is right for you to file bankruptcy. It will probably be a relief. Have a good visit with Pete. Take care.

[lizbeth4]

Sorry about the typos. I’m using my phone. Also, I’m not able to edit!?

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, just checking in. Sorry I haven’t been in group all week. I was spending a lot of time out in the sun and being a little more active than usual and it just zonked me out. Thrilled that you were able to make those purchases. Nice new bedding must have felt and looked good. Little things. I’ll pray a new job comes your way soon. take care, Laura

[kathryn]

I read your post on IDI’s thread about weight watchers.
5 years ago I joined. I lost 20kg.
Ive kept it off.
It was one of the best things I have EVER done for myself.
I don’t follow the program as much as I used to but as soon as I see myself falling into old eating habits I’m back on the wagon.
It was one of the easiest things ive ever done. And exercise wise, all I did was walk. It really is what you put in your mouth at the end of the day. (and how much!!!)
The government are trying to push the retirement age here up to 70 (its currently 65)
And while I may be able to sustain my job for another 20 years I’m not sure my husband will. As a builder on the tools the body doesn’t recover as well as he gets older.
Hopefully we can make a plan to ensure we have enough to retire a little early. It freaks me out just talking about it! Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day and slept well in the new bedding!!!!!
Love K xxx

[Monica1]

Hi all, haven’t posted for a few days. Have hot water now due to faulty thermostat and they still have to come back tomorrow. What a hoo ha.
Spent fri evening with Pete who put my hoover and new fan together. It was good to see him and bailey who slept under my bed. Spoke to my son Saturday and we are making plans to clear the clutter in what will be his room.
Had a very long conversation with my mum on phone today. She is 84 but really wants to go back home to southern Austria before she leaves the planet. After i got off the phone I started to look at what could be possible. I am starting that dream off because I think if it was easy for her travelling I would love to do it. Because of her eye conditions she can’t fly. It is possible by train and an overnight stay in Munich on the way. I am holding that thought and will discuss with my sister.
On another issue i told my Chinese guy my doc rung and that I would have to take the treatment that made me so ill last time. I have to do this, alternative therapies whilst they have helped a lot haven’t eradicated it. Started tak8ng probiotics yesterday in preparation.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I have been catching up on your threAd – work gives us routine and even when we don’t like having to do it gets us up , dressed somewhat decently and out meeting the world . It definitely give us a sense of purpose and if we can earn a nice lifestyle at the same time, them so much the better .

I find funds are very low after my holiday and it definitely brings my mood down – it doesn’t matter if I am spending or not – just knowing the money is there gives me a kind of confidence . Not having enough knew stinks especially when we want to do something nice for our elderly parents .

Your mum’s trip sounds like such a good idea – I visited Vienna pre-gambling addiction and I adored it – I took a boat ride on the Danube and the Blue Danube (Waltz) tour -Memories of a time which was so less complicated .

I think it might be worth suffering the side effects of the medication to get really well. You will of course have been through this before when you were in treatment for cancer . Perhaps this time once and for all your health will improve .

I have missed our chats but the summer is a busy time with everyone going in different directions and out of their usual time zones. Perhaps we will catch up in chat tonight . Xx

[i-did-it]

Missed u by minutes

[Monica1]

Neatly a week since I last posted. Not the best of weeks. 1 year clean in two weeks and I feel like it is one step forward and two back virtually all the time. 4 weeks out of work now with nothing on the horizon and I have had to claim benefits again. I find I am anxious some of the time but it is a very private anxiety and I don’t show it. Inner turmoil, outer calm. Have seen Pete twice this week but spent a day and a half out with my gut problems. This is now a chronic and painful problem which gambling and it’s aftermath kicked off. I have replaced gambling with shopping somewhat although I do have an element of control over that.
The thought of having a boring and mundane life fills me with dread. I am someone who needs to be doing interesting things or I just fall apart.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, Congrats on your 1 year gamble free time! I hope to be there! Sorry that you are still having gut issues. Living a boring and mundane life is something I dread also. Awaiting my Sister’s arrival for a 3 day visit. Anxiety is probably adding to your gut issues. I will pray for a job to come soon. You so deserve it!!! Take care.

[Monica1]

Great to have your support. Good day today. This morning I listened to some great scripture and lovely music from elevatedworship. The music movedvme to tears. What I have realised is that there are some scripture and pastors on tbn who are right wing and bigoted and there are also beautiful scriptures and on point pure transmissions. Today was mostly beautiful.
This afternoon my grandsons are down from Scotland and I went to lunch with my son and grandsons which I was delighted to pay for. My sister also is struggling and asked for some money. Today I realised that whatever we have we give it, all for one and one for all. I also realised how joyful it was to spend time with my grandsons and son. My sons had lots of questions about their heritage and my son wants to go and see the war memorial in Riga to my grandfather who died via a Russian firing squad. He wants to honour his ancestors so that we can heal the future generations. Such joy and pride in this.
Simple joys in a fragmented family that desires to,integrate where it can.

[Monica1]

After eating a big lunch and with swollen tum to match I started to clean out the room which will be my sons. Omg, I found two years ago,summer wardrobe, dresses, swimming costumes and loads of tops and even a fresh pair of sandals. A couple of things still had tags on them and never worn. I always wonderedwhere they had gone. Now I know. I am aware I have a tad of the compulsive clothes shopper but this clearout brought it home to me.

[vera]

I hear you Monica.
I cleared an attic full of “clutter” two years ago. Lots of memories and lots of unworn clothes with labels “for when I lose two stone”.
Forty years of forgotten items.
I sold a lot online and kept a few “treasures”.
Clearing clutter is cathartic.
I need to clear five wardrobes next.

[Monica1]

Always good to hear from you. The size 10s and 12s are going to charity shops as I doubt very much I ever get into them!

[Monica1]

Was not a good day. A lot just did t go right and I guess I am feeling a lot’of frustration. I had my meeting with my work coach and everything conspired so that I couldn’t go. I cried,with absolute frustration,with everything. It is really difficult when one day is good and the next is the exact oppposite. I find the swings in energy really,difficult,to deal with. Groups are very quiet and I am going to have to think about where to get,support. Very aware that I am nearly a year clean and no further forward in my life. No debts have been paid and I find myself getting depressed again. It sucks. Things are going to have to change, there have to be benefits to recovery but I am not seeing them today.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
I tried the 10 pm group several times last night – it seems we are all in different schedules for the summer but they will pick up again when September arrives .

Let’s break things down

You have already proved hat you are very employable – short term contracts are ok for now – but I do feel a more permanent position will come along .

I will try to make the 10 pm group tonight .

I am on a very low carb diet and to be honest it is the easiest diet I have ever done because you don’t feel hungry . Low fat diets used to recommended but now research has shown that low carb is more effective in curing a plethora of obesity related illnesses (yes I am in the obese range now ) like diabetes , blood pressure etc.
The weight is falling off but I haven’t weighed myself cos I don’t have a scales but I need new trousers after less than a week .

Monica there is nothing more depressing than lack of money –

If you have new clothes u want to get rid of put them on eBay – u will be surprised how much they will raise .

Don’t let a bad day drag u down – u have come so far .

Was your workcoach positive about U getting work?
Have you applied for anything recently .

Sorry the support has been lacking – I have been having such a busy time but I will tell u about it in group .

Onwards and upwards Monica !

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post. Appreciated. I didnt get to see my work coach as explained earlier as everything went wrong. They dont actually do anything.. except ask what you have done to get work. They cant help me at the level I work at.
I am very employable and I wont compromise either. There just isn’t anything at the moment. I am OK for cash for at least another couple of months from the tax rebate and the last job so I can live well for a while. But it is the instability that is very draining.
Today I looked after my grandsons as my son had to work and we went to see the Incredibles 2. For me it was predictable and really boring but they loved it. This is the first time I have looked after them for many years as they moved to Scotland when their mum left my son to marry a very well off man from Iceland…

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I loved taking my Grandson to movies. It was nice that you were able to spend time with them. You should sell your clothing . Here we have eBay and local online selling sites. My clothing and shoes always sell. Something will come your way job wise.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, so sorry I haven’t been around nearly as much. The summer is in full swing and when you live seaside you try and enjoy each and every minute of it. I wish I could tell you the anxiety will go away. Mine is always there, sometimes tucked away for a while but it will come back. I often think that comes from being a sensitive empathetic (perhaps slightly empathic?) person. And maybe when we aren’t running from our issues by gambling (or shopping) to cover them up it contributes to these feelings of anxiety. The alternative is not the answer of course. We have to figure out better ways to accept and deal with our feelings and emotions. So here are all the wins that I could read in your posts:
-family talking of healing and heritage (perhaps they have a strong positive example)
-family supporting one another
-you have enough savings to take care of yourself for many todays
-you are making progress around the house
-you are staying on top of your health
-you are still learning about yourself
-You are almost ONE YEAR gamble free!!!!!!!!!!

I know life isn’t always positive and we are allowed to get down. Just don’t let the stinking thinking get hold and tell you that recovery has no benefits because I see a lot of them in you and your posts. Hope you’re feeling a little better and that you have found a little peace again.

take care!

[finding_laura]

You were cut off when I was going to say…. have faith….. you never know, maybe something longer term will come your way and you won’t need to be a best selling author. lol

I had three appointments last week which also ate up a lot of my GT time. I’m hoping to have a little more posting time this week as I think I’m appointment free. And maybe more chats too! Take care Monica, I really do think you are doing brilliant. xo

[finding_laura]

I was kicked out were you? I am logged back into group.

[Monica1]

Just missed laura in chat. Got called about a job today, not a brilliant one and something I would have done years ago but my mood picks up instantly when I get to participate in the outside world again. Unemployment equals exclusion.
Pete came round tonight and fixed the bath, only been waiting for him to do that for about two years. Shared a meal.
Tomorrow I am going to my sisters for two days so,won’t be digital. I have to seek out human contact or else i would just withdraw from everything.

[finding_laura]

Hey Monica, I was booted as soon as you logged on but got back in. Thanks for your words of support, I’m glad I didn’t gamble too. It was little flitting thoughts that were banished with the help of my GT friends.

Enjoy your trip to your sisters. There is something that can be so special about that relationship. Hope you get to treat yourself!

I’m fighting not to go lay down and nap. Another day of sun sand and sea has knocked me out. Touch base when you return x0

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica – hope u us a good trip to your sisters and yes that is great news about the job- having a little money behind you means you can wait for a better opportunity .

I hope u feel less anxious – it is a horrible feeling .
Maybe catch u in group soon
Xx

[kathryn]

I hope you had a lovely time at your sisters,
There’s a bond there that is like nothing else.
I agree with everyone! Sell those clothes! I have bought a lot of things, clothes, furniture etc on those sites and they are brilliant. I have also sold a lot of stuff too! Maybe you could treat yourself with the extra cash?
Enjoy your bath! I don’t have one and it kills me!!!! What I wouldn’t give, especially now that the boys are much older and wouldn’t be knocking on the door every 5 minutes!!!!
Enjoy your weekend,
Love K xxx

[Monica1]

Thanks Laura, Kathryn and idi. I had a nice time at my sisters. Their new home is very small and compact and isn’t big enough to take us all at Xmas. But we went to a farm for a nice cream tea on Thursday and on Friday we went to the historic town of Stamford for a nice lunch and looking at the expensive shops, artisan overpriced crap was our view! I paid for all of it and was delighted to do so. My sister can’t afford any luxuries really aside from wine and the 3 scratch cards she buys every time in hope of a big win and better future. I understand why she does it, when you work full time and can’t afford any luxuries, that sure sucks.
Got back yesterday And have been alone since yesterday afternoon. Got a letter to say no benefits this month. They really take vast liberties, no wonder people are being evicted.
I am Ok, I have some underlying anxiety about a lot of things but I am Ok today. Did the 10pm group and spoke to a new member which helps me a lot to see what this addiction does, reminds me of how bad it was. My tum is Ok, settled having regular meals at my sisters, she loves to cook for us and I like her to do it.
All ok.

[Monica1]

Well on Monday I went to meet my work coach who proceeded to tell me that my appointment and claim had been cancelled as they have changed all the rules and I now need to make a new claim. This means no rent for at least six weeks so I have to find it myself. I noticed that between mo day and Tuesday my anxiety levels within were so very high and I wasn’t sleeping and had smoked 40 cigarettes in a 24 hour period, which has never happened. Fed up with feeling this inner turmoil, I do some research on the condition I have and find that it interferes with the synthesis of serotonin which is why so many with it experience anxiety and depression. I am not depressed right now but the inner turmoil, well hidden, is high. There is a herbal cure for my condition which has eradicated it in many people, but it costs around 150 quid and can only be obtained from overseas. I determine by myself that I am not going down the benefits route, it is just a waste of time and keeps a person stuck in a cycle of lack and having to jump through too many hoops to get a few quid.
Today I have an interview for a job, not a brilliant job, which went well. Yesterday a brilliant job did come up and I am conflicted as I really want the second but can I afford to not accept the first job if offered it. Just as I am going for my interview, my sister texts to borrow money, third time in three weeks. I say no for the first time and within five minutes my daughter asks for help with my granddaughters secondary school uniform which is going to cost around 500 quid which they don’t have. I mean, really, what the schools ask the parents to buy is unreal. This happens to me at the same time a lot, on one day I was asked three times to lend money and I would usually run to the tables. Even when they all know I will file for bankruptcy and am unemployed I still get asked because of my earning capability. I do t blame them either at all as it is extremely difficult to manage on the average wage in this country. I know that in the past when I went to gamble it was because I wanted to the big win to alleviate everyone’s financial difficulties. I am sure there is a lesson here, to let go and lend it or to set up some boundaries. I don’t know which and I feel guilty saying no. But I have no,income coming in although I am Ok right now, but with no benefits coming in I have to,watch the finances carefully. I say to my sister that when I get s job I can help but everything is too unstable right now, and say the same to my daughter, that I will help if I get a job and certainly before she starts school.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your posts on my thread. Just to have someone who understands and the support helps me to feel that I’m not alone in the world. I’m sorry that you are dealing with the lack of benefits. I hope you get the job you want as you so deserve it. I’m still numb and distraught. I did misuse my credit cards and I’ve been paying them through a credit agency but since they never accepted the plan but have taken the monthly payments, they now are demanding the balance due! I feel hopeless right now an d stupid for getting in this mess. Your support has helped. I’m trying to deal with this. Thanks again for being there. Have a good day.

[Monica1]

It has been raining all day and I went out in it. It is really a blessed relief from the hot and humid weather.
I give in and send my sister some money this morning, just a few quid. So aware of how difficult it all is with nothing.
I ring for a dental appointment as my crowns and a couple of teeth are becoming loose and I know what is to come. Apparently a third of all people 60and over hve dentures and I am going to have to save for the expensive implants now, gone past the point really of where I know I have to do this but have dreaded it for a long time.
Pete comes round to spend the afternoon and will pop round tomorrow night for dinner.
I get the job, not the one I want which will take more time, but I really feel I have no option but to do so. I am relieved. It means no benefits and work till mid November. It is great and there is life for folks over 60… I sign the forms to say I am not bankrupt and all too aware that it is a matter of time.
But today has been a good day.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I’m glad that you got a job. Sorry it wasn’t the one you wanted. I just want to say that your support has lifted me a bit. Thank you. From years of smoking, not getting regular check ups and a lot of large feelings I had to have dentures before 60. I had put a lot of money into root canals and crowns. Another lesson! It was nice that you gave your Sis some money. We are a lot alike. I share wh3n I don’t have
much. I can’t stand to see someone else suffer. Have a good test of your day!

[lizbeth4]

Typo: fillings

[Nick]

Hi Monica thanks for your post on my thread , i do know what triggers my indulgence and i do have barriers in place including self exclusion but i drove 8 miles and even though i am excluded they didn’t know me so i got away with it . I have contacted a counceller as i feel i need to speak to someone non judgemental and am hoping to go for my first appointment soon . Your last post says today has been a good day which in itself is a blessing. 🙂

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Congratulations on the job – you are so employable -I read your post and found myself wishing I had taken a different career path – And it feels to late for everything now .

It is hard not to lend money when you have it and people ask- but sometimes we have to fit our own oxygen mask first . I think those of us who dreamt of helping everyone with our big win have always been generous (maybe too generous ) with money . I look back at the friends I have helped financially and many of them are no longer even in my life …

I am delighted you have got work – and this job may turn out to be the right one after all – you never know what contacts or friends you will make there .

I have got a new phone – so will be back in groups more – unfortunately the cross- over time has left me vulnerable and I have “dabbled “ . I actually thought I was safe due to Gamstop. I feel gutted with myself and wanted to write about it on my own thread but I am afraid of starting the “drama” again and can’t go through feeling unsafe again (so I might delete this part once you have read it ).

I have decided that Gamstop simply doesn’t work – after all the hoops you have to go through to get signed up – it seems they don’t connect your details to gambling sites on their list !

I hope we can connect loads more – I am not home at the moment and find it difficult to get time to myself to go to groups but I miss the chats with you and Laura .

Keep strong – hope you enjoy the work !

[vera]

Congrats on your new job, Monica. You seem to have great energy. I couldn’t even consider planning a workday. I guess I burned myself out doing 12 hour shifts. Seems like a different life now…

I-did-it, all I can say is “I know the feeling! Why oh, why do we torture ourselves?

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you both. I hope you are right idi re the job but it is a lot less money than I usually get, but hey, it’s a job. I hve spent today in bed having had an abscess come up literally overnight on a delicate part of the bod, which is new and has never happened before.
I wish I did have a lot of energy Vera but I guess it is whatever we practice at the most we get good at and I am good at interviews and I literally knew within five minutes they would offer me the job, it isn’t the one I want though and I guess the timing hasn’t been right this time.
Pete came and cooked dinner last night, steak which I bought and I dog sat today. He has just gone out and bought me cigs and we hve a thing about Tesco strawberries and cream mousse. It is delicious and we eat three each…
I am more than aware how precarious everything can be, particularly work and bankruptcy and how they don’t align. My daughter texted yesterday and is seriously thinking of leaving her husband again. He is the breadwinner but uses it as power and control and I know what that can do to a woman’s spirit and self esteem. We have a text chat and I will meet up with her gain next week. But I will need to see a doc about the abscess, which looks a bit dodgy.

[vera]

Try a hot bath with Epsom Salts added, Monica…

[Monica1]

It certainly is ouch. One minute fine, woke up and it had all happened overnight, I wonder if it is linked with my increased smoking and sugar intake. Epsom salt bath Exactly what I did last night Vera, no change unfortunately.
Think I will do group tonight and then give it another go.

[vera]

Whatever caused it, Monica, you now need a CURE. Can you get your hands on an antibiotic? Otherwise you will have to have it drained.
An even bigger “ouch”!!
3 hot baths a day was the old cure. Tea Tree Oil is good too.
‘Hope you get relief!

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I hope the Epsom salt help! Thank you again for your support. I really, really needed it! I feel like I’m getting back to my old self again. Not so down as before. It’s such a relief to have friends here like yourself who do not judge and who use their experiences to help. I hope you feel better soon!

[vera]

Any relief from the “condition”, Monica?

[Monica1]

Thanks Vera
3 salt baths and slightly less painful ty. Spent the day watching the Europeans which has been really good to watch this week and the great handmaids tale. Pete popped in briefly this evening and bought me some Vaseline. Nice…..

[Monica1]

Great to speak to idi and Vera last night, today I am feeling mega lazy. I have so much to do but am vegging out. Dietitians called me today but hve said I will need to meet with them After talking about my history which won’t be till October 1st. May do late group tonight as have a lot of things to do before I start new job tomorrow. One year gf on 14th August.
Move Monica move!
I have figured out wat my problem is and it isn’t an abscess, it is a haemtoma, which is a very strange phenomenon. Doesn’t hurt as much but is very much there, the salt baths help a lot. There is always something. Maybe we are all just slowly falling to bits, or maybe I am just speaking for myself.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, I feel like I’m falling to bits at the moment. I had stopped taking my vitamin regimin just because I was tired of taking things all the time. But I started it again yesterday as the exhaustion is getting oppressive. Odd place for a hematoma?

Congratulations on the job. Quick start date! Is it close to home or an away job again? At least it is some income security for a little while longer. You’ll be able to help with your grand daughters uniform . I wonder if your sister is abusing your generosity. But if it is truly a limited income thing then lucky her that she has a generous and caring sister. You are a very kind person. But remember you need to take care of Monica too. Sometimes people will repeatedly use a “safety line” if it begins to feel like part of their income instead of yours. I guess it can be a case of setting boundaries in that instance.

I will come to group in a few minutes but not sure how long I can stay. Sorry I’ve not been around in your difficult time but oh so glad there was a help line for you to call. One year tomorrow. Such a big achievement. It hasn’t been easy but you’ve done. You’ve come back from the edge. And now it is YOUR chose to give your money to whom you like and for whatever purpose you like and not the governments.
Well done. Laura xo

[kathryn]

Congrats on the job!
I also want to congratulate you on your 1 year gf!!!
Its already the 14th in Oz!!
Love K xxx

[Anonymous]

I did mean to post my reply here Monica, I’m sure you’ll read it though.

A year is a great milestone, but of course, it’s also just another today. But hey man, what a turn around.

Back o’ the net!

[lizbeth4]

I hope your first day at work goes well. Congrats on your 1 year gamble free. I hope to be there!

[Monica1]

Thank you all for your good wishes. Brief resume of past few days. Job is ok, lots of responsibility for not so much money but hey it’s a job, about one hour 49 mins each way.
Pete came round Tuesday night quite upset as the dog chased a fox and the fox ran into the road and got splatted. Pete couldn’t put it out of its misery but was so cross with bailey calling him a murderer. But hey dogs chase foxes, it’s in their nature I guess. But I could see it upset pete quite a lot.
Yesterday I had already taken the day off as had an appointment in the morning in Kent and went to see my daughter for a pub lunch and chat. It was lovely to see her for a good chat.
Today work was ok, no lunch as meetings, but it’s a job right? It actually is ok, for now. I just appreciate having the work.
I must open the past six weeks letters and will do this over the weekend.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, it’s good to hear that the job is going ok. That is a lot of traveling back and forth though. It’s good that you were able to see your Daughter. I need to take your lead and get a job also. Thanks for your support and giving me motivation to face my challenges! Have a good day!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Thanks for chatting the other night – I hope you’re were not too tired in work next day .
It is almost seven and I haven’t got to sleep yet – I guess this and my sudden aches and pains are one of the rewards of gambling .

Really hope you have a great weekend and I haven’t congratulated u yet on the one year milestone so very well done.

Xx

[Monica1]

Was going to take it easy today but woke up early and contemplating what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I feel quite clear in some of the things I would like to do. Felt quite good today within. Sent my daughter 150 quid towards my granddaughters secondary school uniform. Felt good about that too and grateful to be able to do that.
Went shopping this afternoon and bought a few smarter bits for work. In the week I had a couple of mornings where it was like what do I wear and I like to be able to just find something and feel comfortable in my clothes. Food shopped in m and s and am still eating too much cake. Weightwatchers I think on a Sunday, there is a meeting in my local gym.
One thing at a time, one day at a time. I am a bit more patient now in that I don’t feel I have to do everything now. Took my wellwoman max idi.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I kinda got mean with myself and wouldn’t never spend the money on the Wellwoman – interestingly there is NAC in them which is proven to reduce gambling urges – lesson learned ! I let go almost all of the helpful things over the past month or so .

That’s so good you could help your daughter out- it feels so good when you can do things like this .

I love shopping in m and s – I feel because there’s is so little waste it works out quite reasonable when catering For a small number . It’s another thing I can’t do this weekend!

Patience is a great virtue Monica -I am glad life is on the up – I love having nice clothes for work- as you describe -something comfortable which also makes you look well dressed .

You are doing great !

[finding_laura]

I like to be able to feel comfortable but look nice at work. I also need easy care pieces. I have so much stuff that is hang to dry right now. I never used to by clothes like that. ugh, too much effort and you can’t do a list minute load of laundry for work.

I’m so glad you are in a better place mentally Monica. All that matters is each day. You are in a place now where you can meet your daily needs and extras for your family.

After the year you have been through I would be probably be eating too much cake too! I would think I deserved a cake a day 🙂 So if it wasn’t for the health concerns I’d bet saying eat lots and lots of cake.

Well done Monica. Hope you are enjoying your Sunday. Have a good day in work. Hope you have some good reading or listening material for the travel in tomorrow.

Take care, get lots of rest and talk soon.
Laura

[Monica1]

Well I paid the price today for stuffing sugar and dairy. I keep thinking it will be different this time but it isnt and the day went with tummy pain which I managed to sleep through. I have to have the discipline to realise I can’t eat the things I love to eat. Aside from that, it has settled now after a long sleep.
And I am Ok.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, That was awesome that you were able to send money to your Daughter. I just am amazed that you are so resilant after all that you’ve been through. You have given me hope that I can turn thing around. I’ve been looking for a part time job but there’s very little opportunity here. I may have to look in the city. It would be a drive, 1hour-11/2 hours one way. But you are doing more than that. I hope your weekend was good. Take care and have a fabulous week!

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, Just checking in to see how you are. Post when you have time.

[Monica1]

Appreciate your concern. Today I have felt quite tired and like i am getting a cold. The travel and work have taken it out of me a bit although I like the job. 12hours every day including travel is quite tough.
Today I was looking at 4 month round the world cruises for around 20 grand and dreaming. There are still many things I would like to do and that is one I would love to do. A part of me feels nothing is impossible and then….
Well, of course, as usual back down to Earth. I,opened my letters which I have been avoiding now for 8 weeks.Had to laugh as I had one postmarked Rome and it was a scam letter saying a relative of mine had died and left 5 million euros to be charged between the said lawyer and myself. Ha ha. I reported it to the post office as a scam but it even named the relative and what he died of. Crazy.
Quite a few debt collector letters who haven’t a hope of recovering the 3 lots of 10 grand debt they referred to. But no court action which is the thing that I find most upsetting. I had 10 letters from council tax in that period. I have to be honest that even after a year and two weeks gf I have only addressed my rent and repossession of my home being ahead with my rent now. I value the roof over my head. So it really makes me think about whether I will ever be able to pay off the massive amounts. Biting the bullet to bankruptcy ends my career so the longer I can string it all out the better. But it is tough knowing you are never likely to be able to pay off the 100 grand or round about that I owe. I am open to new money making entrepreneurial,opportunities as that is one way out. Writing a bestseller also is…
Pete came round this evening armed with dinner which he cooked and wine, he is watching tv in the front room whilst I am in the bedroom cos I need to rest. He fixed my iPad which refused to charge today and I set up his new phone. He had lost his phone with all his clients numbers on it. He is a little depressed and doesn’t like his new landlord that much saying that he has some bad habits as an elderly gentleman.
It it is good to see him and the dog who is now asleep by my bed. I love that dog.

[finding_laura]

Sorry I missed you and IDI. I got distracted and didn’t realize i was disconnected. But I am back!

[finding_laura]

And now for my post. 12 hours return is tough when there is no relaxation to be found on the commute. Anything like an audio book you could listen to? I think there are aps for your phone and you buy the books? Just a thought. Somehow if you could get a little enjoyment or rejuvination out of the travel time it might help a little. Hopefully as it cools off it won’t be quite so stuffy even if still crowded.

I know when I was dealing with my horrendous finances and trying to sort them out it would get so overwhelming sometimes. The support system I had here would tell me to break it down into manageable pieces. To focus on where I was at that moment and on what I could do something about. No point in stressing over what we can’t change. If there is no threat of court action at the moment and you can continue to pick up contracts that is pretty good for now. They aren’t impacting your life currently that is definitely a plus. So you have a roof over your head, food on the table, the ability to give a little help to your loved ones and a little money to make your place a home. You have a little company still in Pete and the dog. And you have your weekends free. Try and look for ways to make your work week easier and your stamina up. It’s hard to be the strong one all the time. If you can afford, buy a simple little boquet of flowers, or a single stem even and put it in your favourite place. That is from me my friend if I could be there to give it to you. Take care of your self. Get lots of rest too!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, 12 hours a day in work and travel is a lot! That would be very tiring. What do you mean that bankruptcy would end your career? I wish a had wise advice about how to handle your debts but I’m overwhelmed and treading water. It’s nice that Pete made dinner and you have company. Take care and enjoy your weekend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I wish I could advise you – 100 grand is so little in the great scheme of the world and such a huge amount when we are the people owing it .

I think if I were you I would ring the credit cards and get them moved to a debt repayment agency where U pay what you can afford – keep repayments small and just let the balances come down over time – then you can write them off your over all debt .
– I have just received a statement from one which I have been paying a tenner a month to for around six years and I only owe £90 on it now . I have cleared quite a few This way – For example I have one i pay 100 a month to – it stops the letters , the phone calls and the stress. They will never harass you for more than you can pay – I have even had companies trying to stop me paying because they felt I couldn’t afford it ( that’s the tenner one).

That will mean you can focus on the taxes – but leave that for another day . It will mean if you get good pay you can make a few substantial payments towards them quite quickly.

The 12 hour days are hard- perhaps you might consider doing a course which you could study in the train – I know u love education. How about a language so when you take that four month cruise , you will be able to practice it?

Monica there is a way round this – start with the things you can do and then drag the others out .

I hope this is helpful !

[finding_laura]

some good advice IDI! Hope your getting some relax time in this weekend Monica. I am in afternoon group but quiet so far. talk soon, Laura

[Monica1]

Hi, you are both on fire with the support you are giving!
Slept all day today and got up at 5.30pm. Needed that rest and woke up with the tired feeling shaken off and more refreshed feeling.
Went to the local shops, it’s rainy and dark and the leaves are coming off the trees, autumn is starting early.

[finding_laura]

hope you weren’t up half the night Monica! Would be tough to rise for work this morning. I called and cancelled an appointment today for therapy. I didn’t sleep well last night, my energy levels have been sapped, and in all honesty I just couldn’t put my smile on. But, I’m up early. I’m connecting here. I’m drinking my lovely coffee. I have a nasty to do list but one productive day could really put a dent in it and get it off my back. Anyway, didn’t mean to hijack your thread for my moan. I will be fine I’m sure. Can’t be upbeat all the time. That just wouldn’t be natural. Have a good week! Laura

[Monica1]

I wasn’t up half the night luckily. Fell asleep at around midnight. Like u I feel quite tired not wanting to do anything except laze around in bed. It’s a bank holiday in U.K. so off today. Weather has been quite autumnal and long weekend a bit of a washout. Dog sat whilst pete worked and he has just got back and made me egg and beans on toast and it was really yum. You have been the most consistent support for everyone on the site laura so ty for that. But I know how u feel cos I can’t seem to shake the tiredness off either.

[Monica1]

Not posted so much because of work taking up all my time. Key things this week are work, well obviously ,which is Ok. A vivid dream where I was gambling and winning. It felt so real that I remember feeling a massive disappointment in the dream that I had gambled and Ruined my recovery. That feeling was more vivid than the gambling.
Signed up for the writing course today. I estimate if you can write one bestseller I could repair the damage and then some. Dreaming big but keeping it real. It could all not work but at least I will try.
Better for the big win to come from a bit of graft than gambling. Feeling tired again this weekend. But at least it is only till november this job.

[Monica1]

Plus had a long chat with my friend who has cancer who I fell out with some time ago. She realised I was right about the healer and she figured out his arrogance and greed which became too much for her. It wasn’t an I told you so moment. I had found him obnoxious when I went to see him. She is now 4 years living with cancer but has refused to go Down the radical surgery, chemo and radiation route. I really do t blame her at all. She cannot work now and has a degree of pain but her dad is going to pay for her to go to the Gerson institute in Hungary where they use detoxification of the body through natural foods and medicines. She is very brave as she has a positive attitude which has kept her going so long living with cancer.

[Monica1]

My teeth cracked across the bottom. Still intact but won’t last much longer. Gotta sort it out but fills me with fear cos of past traumatic experiences with dentists.

[Monica1]

And so I go onto Facebook and there are two r
Things together, a friend of mine who we have a chat whenever we see each other about her son informs us all
That her son, Sam, has passed, aged 40 after a very long battle with cancer he had since his twenties. Fighting it all his young life. It has spread to his spine a couple of years ago,and he had been fighting it so hard. I feel unbelievably sad and shed a tear and say a prayer for his beautiful soul.
It is also my granddaughters birthday today, 15, and I had completely forgotten. I can’t brng myself to say happy birthday uNtil I shake off this sadness.

[finding_laura]

So sorry for the bad news in your life. Cancer takes such a toll today. As you know so well. I have lost friends and family to the illness. Not a wonder we tried to to hide from it all when we became tired of it.

I’ve often thought of writing a book! Again is it my personality looking for a quick fix. Write a book or win a jackpot. But I think it is also due to our ability to communicate and confer feelings and a state of being.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Time to relax. Try and rejuvinate a little.

I’m hanging out in chat. Quiet. I spent all day yesterday tackling my paperwork. My goal is to have it all done this weekend. Pretty ambitious but I have to push at it. Tired of it hanging over my head. Hopefully I’ll be in group tonight at 10.

Hope your granddaughter has a nice birthday.

Laura

[Monica1]

Had a sleep and felt a little less sad. Went to the shops and passed my friend when I was on the bus. She looked as ok as you can be when lifecdoes the unthinkable.
I think the book is because I have had things published in the late eighties and I have completely given up on the healing thing so I am doing doing something I loved as a child. Less of the big win but more of the rediscovery of something I know is a talent that needs a bit of nurture.
Pete has just come round to borrow some money, losing his phone meant losing his client bookings but he says he will be str8 in a week or two. Earlier in the week he rushed str8 round when I had locked myself out.

[finding_laura]

sorry I was late, I’m in chat now

[Monica1]

My sister texts me at 2.30 in the morning. She cannot sleep.worrying about money saying she will need to work 7 days a week which I think we both know is ridiculous. I don’t answer which is usual. I decide to sleep on it. This is becoming a constant and I contemplate what the right thing is to do. As I hve said in previous threads this happens to me a lot when I am working.
I know we are living in difficult times and my debts and inability to pay them are not a consideration for me. I would sooner help my family than pay huge amounts on the debt situation. I have had to contemplate and reflect on this because pre gambling the constant requests from family members would send me into a tailspin.
I have no idea whether this is the right thing or the wrong thing to do. It simply is the situation and how I respond to it that seems to be the point here.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica, I feel the delima you are in. When I had money, I helped family members with large amounts of money. My situation is different now. I help myself first. Then I help them with small amounts of money if I can. It may sound selfish but I think we need to take care of ourselves first. We aren’t gett ing any younger. Just my thoughts. I know it is hard to say no. And to put yourself first. Just my thoughts.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, that must be a little stressful for sure. I know money pressures always made me want to gamble.

You could always let her know that you are having some money pressures of your own right now. If she is wasting a lot of her money on scratch offs etc is it your place to bail her out? Tell her if it is something urgent to check back later but for her to expect you to bail her out of her entire situation is unrealistic. You have children that need some help sometimes as well not to mention a savings sock or nest egg for in between jobs is a necessity for you with your insecure work situation. And as you said, you’d like to take a little time off work yourself. Recovery for me was a lot about the B words. Boundaries is one of them. Setting boundaries with people can be difficult but sometimes is needed for our mental health and addictions recovery. You are very kind to your family. But now you need to take care of you. Have a good day in work tomorrow.
Laura

[vera]

I speak these words that Polonius spoke to Laertes, to myself as well as to you, Monica. I think lending is just as dangerous as borrowing, if not even more so, for a CG. In my case I feel I am compelled to lend when others are “stuck”. My motives are not always altruistic. Sometimes I give to make myself feel important . I give to make others dependent on me. I give to establish control over others. I give to get. It makes me feel like a big shot. Sometimes, I give because I feel others deserve MY money more than I do!? How about that! Why do you give, Monica?

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts. Woke up early. Again work has been very busy and I haven’t had the time to post or tune in to support and groups. Vera, I give because God gives to givers and to not do it seems mean and blocks the flow. I have been in a place of lack a few times in my life and I know what that feels like so,I wouldn’t wish that on anyone close to me. I don’t like to control anyone, that has never interested me, each is free to live their own lives, and I have met too many controlling people in my life, not always men, which I avoid avoid. This week all work and travel and a very long day yesterday with travel a long way to meetings. I got through it and rewarded
Myself shopping at a big M and s store with a coat, skirt and two tops.
I am glad to be busy as the day goes quick and i don’t dwell,on the Underlying sadness I feel about my friends son. The lady with the podcast who passed from cancer this week was the same age, just 40. My other friend with cancer texted me to say she felt alone with cancer and had been in pain for days. I asked her to get medical help which she avoids as still going down the natural route and that bothered me because I think she needs medical support. I prayed for her and yesterday she texted me to say easing up and not to worry. I am concerned about her as deep down although i support her going down the natural route I am concerned that it isn’t eradicating the cancer. She is off to do versions therapy in Hungary in October and I hope that helps her,
Will do groups over the weekend, each and every. Or I g I tune in to scripture and I find that with gods help I am getting through and living life.
Pete came round Wednesday to give me back the money I lent him and bought a fluorescent tube to fix the light broken in the kitchen. We make a plan t9 go to the theatre. I am interested now more than ever in enjoying and getting the most,out of life, something I had given up on when gambling, oh and on Monday, I,also,did my writing class, 12 people, some of whom read out their work that we did in the evening and you know what, a few are better writers than me, more eloquent so clearly I have some good learning to do here.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I had a lot of catching up to do on your thread – sorry for neglecting our friendship.
I lend for the same reason as you – I hate to see people stuck for a few bob and to be honest I don’t really value money very much (except when I need it ) . I’m not going to give you any advice about the money – it is he’s to think of our family stuck for money no matter how they get to that stage.
I hope the natural therapy works for your friend – I feel this is so brave but even thinking about it kinda scares me – I guess I would feel safer going with conventional medicine but each to their own.

I am delighted you bought new clothes – look at you now Monica – who would have thought you would be back on your feet so quickly ?

I hope I catch you in group later . I am still gamble free !!

[Monica1]

That’s the thing about good friendships, they can be picked up again at any time. They do the distance.
Well have woken up at around three am two nights in a row and do posts when this happens. I had a text from my son at 2.30am asking if I was still up and we had a quick phone call. It seems the move is on. His grandma is u well and although she has three houses, has to move back in and will take bens room. She owns the house plus the one that her friend lives in. Typical of her to move out of her own house. She is such a good woman. Her friend in the same way that pete is a friend is mistreating her and she has been in hospital very sick with necrotising fasciitis, the flesh eating disease. She is a diabetic so in danger of gangrene and losing her legs. All caused through a simple cut that got infected. He says that my ex and him will be round to start clearing the room at 2pm. I have s feeling she will be alright.
Pete came round last night for a short while but left early as we were both tired and I fell asleep before group.
I get texts from my girlfriend with cancer today and they r a bit cutting, she is very vested in this new treatment. I realise that whatever I am doing is of no interest to her. I forgive her but I have been here before with her and realise no change there then. She has a fight in her hand and doesn’t have much for anyone else. She misunderstands something I said and comes across all holiervthan thou. I reflect on this for a while but not long enough as my son comes round with my ex and start to clear the room. A big box breaks and shatters it’s contents all down the communal stairs. We go to the council dump in the van as they need proof I am a resident and can use it. We sing in the van to happy and stuck in the middle with you. What I noticed is that in the name of love any past stuff is forgotten and we simply enjoy each other’s company. They put the shattered box in someone else’s bin and I have a mini freak out and the.n just accept that it was the nearest thing. Well, it’s happening, my son is moving in. We r all busy with work so we clear half the room and will do the next in the next week or two. This sets me to starting the big clear out of the house and I buy lots of black bags.

[i-did-it]

Monica , thank you for your lovley post on my thread – it has lifted my spirits no end ,

You are doing a clear out for your son to move in and I am trying to get motivated to do something similar for my son – his own hangout place . Once agin we are sync .

It sounds like your friend may Be bitter about her illness and is lashing out – no judgement as I imagine I would feel the same – however you much protect yourself and not be the fall guy for her issues .
You deserve friendships that lift you up – although I guess if it is just like this recently that’s different .

I admire Monica that no matter hwo your life if going you age so much compassion for others , like your son’s gran.

Hope we manage to meet in group soon – I too have been falling asleep early !
Xx

[Monica1]

Have had a headache since last night and think I have a cold from my cold office on Friday. I called my mum yesterday, she is reasonably ok but is being stalked a bit by a man who says he can’t stop thinking about her. I tell her to be firm and say she is not interested. My mum is nearly 85, I mean really, still having huge problems with her eyes and we talked about her being referred to moorfields. Tiddly district hospitals with long waits cannot treat effectively, it was carry on,with the drops as no change. Not good enough. We talk again about her going to Austria before she passes and I say that I looked it all up via train and let’s try for next year.
My sister texts me at 3.30am asking again for help, just a week since the last time. I tell her that this is the last time and that she must go for help to a debt management agency. She is paying too much on credit cards. I explain my debt situation and she says she did t know. I mean, really, I was a bloody gambling addict lol. What does she think when I explain about bankruptcy being advised as the only way forward for me. Again it is a case of no recognition of my gambling habit and what that did. I ask her how much on booze and scratchies, she says she has cut down on scratches and drinks wine during the week and a bottle of gin at the weekend, I say last time and no more help until she helps herself. I know she does t earn much but I am not going to enable a booze and scratches habit. I am sure she would pay much less on credit cards if she gets help. I do t feel guilty about this, I think it is the right thing to do. She says she is afraid of bankruptcy as she did it many years ago. I say she is earning and a debt management plan would probably be the right way to go.
Going out shopping now, pete has gone to meet with his daughter this morning and will pop back later. I have asked him to help me with the clear out which he will charge a special friends rate. I can’t do everything that needs to be done myself.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Well done on being assertive with your sister .
It does sound like she could get by ok if she didn’t buy the scratch cards and booze. I am thinking wine and Gin must come to £30 a week and that’s without mixers!
Add on the scratch cards and yes you at way enabling some very expensive habits .

Your poor mum – makes u wonder what’s the point of the health service – when we are sick help is never available. In Ireland you mostly pay buy u get seen by your gp the day you want to be seen not an appointment two weeks later .

It a a good idea to get help – and better still help you know !
Your room will be great – u are so motivated about getting stuff done.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope all is good with you and work is going well.
Thank you for your advice on my work thing and you were spot on. I am going to remember that in future if I am worried.
I can see how you progressed so far in our career .

I would be asking you to mentor me if we worked together – you have amazing insight .

Much appreciated
Xx

[Monica1]

Difficult week in that on Sunday i went down with a nasty chest infection. Caused by a colleague leaving a window rammed open and stuck so the office was very cold and draughty. I was hugely disappointed, missed my writing class but when I returned foundpeople very supportive and aware that every one going down with it. Still have a cough and lost my voice for a while. Pete saved me with a far,in, homey and ginger concoction which enabled me to function and go back to work on weds.
I went to the after funeral tea for my friends son on Wednesday, which although very sad, she is bearing up as well as can be expected really. I felt very sad but said that she can call me at any time if she needs to talk.
And today the chest infection has gone into my gum with an abscess. Keep going Monica, tricky week.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica – just missed u- I am still I group if you are about

[lizbeth4]

Sorry to hear about your chest infection and now your gum abscess. I hope that you feel better soon. It was good that Pete was able to help you with his concoction. Reminded me when i was a kid and would come down with a bad cold. My Grandmother would fix me a hot toddy. I would sleep for hours and it would knock the cold right out of me. Years later I found out the it was whisky, honey and lemon juice heated up. Oh my!! But it worked!!! LOL! Get better soon!

[Monica1]

Yes, well his magic concoction helps a lot. I woke up coughing a lot but it releases it all and I feel I can function. Today I went to have a luxury pedicure and facial which was very nice. Soft manicured feet now and a compliment that I don’t have many lines and wrinkles for my age. That felt good. Although the previous owner who I adored sold up two years ago now. Her daughter had had cancer and was in remission but I was told it had returned. Don’t like hearing this type of news but I give thanks every day that there is another day, another opportunity. Haven’t been for beauty treatments since my hols and before that years as gambling away. My son texted me to say could he come over and I had to say I was out. He said he didn’t want to come to my house and ever find pete there. I said that pete respects that but don’t ever tell me who I can or cannot see and we need to sort that issue out before he moves in. I said that pete is my best friend and that I will always see him.
I dropped into the Chinese docs on the off chance to see him. Was told to return in 15 mins. Lethal. Posh boutique next door and I spent a few bob on a jumper, two cardigans and a scarf. They were pricey and posh. Ooer but I am on a rejuvenate mission which is about style and anti ageing. All part of the recovery programme. The doc examined my chest and said I had a lot of crackles at the base of the left lung and that he thought it was a viral chest infection probably caught in my work. Gave me some herbs and back in a week. Instead of three to four months with it, he said three to four days. I don’t see my gp any more as I just don’t trust them with dishing out the antibiotics.
Returned home feeling ok, and good. It is good to pamper ourselves, very good for the self esteem. about to take the next batch of Peters magic medicine.

[lizbeth4]

I’m glad that you pampered yourself today. It’s always good when we treat ourselves. Besides the occasional hair cut, I’ve been laxed in that department. Now with the new job, I would love to purchase a few items of clothing before winter. It’s good if you get things sorted with your Son about Pete before he moves in. I hope you continue to feel better.

[vera]

Glad you were well enough to go out today, Monica.
Would you believe, I never had a pedicure or manicure or facial IN MY LIFE!!!!
I got my ears pierced when I was 60 and they got badly infected.
When I get my hair done, I feel guilty for spending the money when I have so much debt.
Yet, I “donated”a six figure sum to scum bag casino owners, (I don’t use that word lightly-these really are dodgy guys)
That portrays a very flawed personality . In other areas of my life I actually present as “normal”! LOL!
I do confess to spending money on “posh” clothes and shoes but as often as not, they are left in a wardrobe! I tell myself I will wear them when I lose weight. Another illusion.
I just thought, Monica, what would have happened if the posh shop next door had been a casino?
Would you have been tempted?
You obviously had access to quite a bit of dosh!

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post Vera. I feel differently. Yes, I have huge debt but I do t let that overrule my objectives in recovery in feeling good about myself and doing whatever I can to achieve that. If anything, recent events have shown me how short life can be and I mean, as far as I can, to enjoy life. Facials are great, I had a lifting one lol. I do spend a bit too much on clothes yes, but I never feel like I have enough whichis quite mad. I also don’t restrict access to funds as the destitution for nine months has stYed with me, I remember that so I try not to waste money. If it were a casino, would I have gone in, no as I was an on line gambler at home alone usually. I find those shops in the street to be quite vile Tacky places. If it were a big posh casino, the answer would again be no. I wasn’t a public gambler…

[vera]

Get the picture, Monica? Thanks for listening! And that’s only the tip of the icebeg!

[Monica1]

Yes I did get the picture Vera. It is a difficult situation. I would maybe have a talk with my son, but I do t think it would make any difference. My own son has watched me make a big mistake which I carried on with for years and I hve also watched him do same. All I can say I think is that sometimes the so called mistakes in life often lead us to our greatest discoveries and wisdom. Gambling did that for me or rather stopping gambling did that for me. Speak soon.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
So pleased u shopped in a posh shop .
In the past few weeks I have bought a lot of clothes – but all from Asda, Tesco and similar shops .
Maybe next month I will follow your example and get a facial!
See how u inspire me !

There are so many people dying young we should be grateful for every minute .

Well done on being assertive with your son- perhaps he will get to see the Pete you see when he lives with you. We all grow and change .
Like you the land based casino never tempts me (except when my mum asks me to go ) I can carry cash anywhere and it would never cross my mind to go in – it was always online for me so I get exactly what you mean- and I guess this just reinforces that one size doesn’t fit all.

Sorry I missed group – actually went out with my little family and had a lovley night !

[i-did-it]

All ok
Except my nerves!
Lol

[Monica1]

Said a prAyer. Ty for letting me know!

[kathryn]

Lovely to see you had a posh shop experience!
I think that’s a lovely feeling, not that I do it very often and now I think about it im not sure ive done it at all!!! lol
My niece is doing pretty well. At the moment she needs no further surgery, just monitoring 6 monthly. But…….the cancer will come back. A ticking time bomb! Life is short!!!
Happy to read you are living as best you can and giving yourself a few treats here and there.
Take care, Love K xxx

[Monica1]

On Sunday I slept late And missed a Sunday lunch invite. My son and his girlfriend came round and spent hours clearing the rest of the room. Many many Bags full. Stacked it all in exes for taking to the dump Monday. Took myherbs which really upset my stomach, pain and nausea. Woke up a few times in the night.
Felt yuck and guts triggered about once a week now. Really felt unwell but kept going. Ex rAng to say needed my I’d to get in the dump andas he hD a job to do would dump everything back outside my house. He rang just as I hadmajor pain in my guts. I said a prYer that this would not happen and it did t but so many annoying little things that just accumulate. Didn’t get paid as a system error. Missed my writing class for second time and just wondering really what is possible these days. A bit fed up all in all. I am fed up of my guts kicking off and feeling unwell. Sometimes things just don’t work out, too often for my liking sometimes.

[Monica1]

On Sunday I slept late And missed a Sunday lunch invite. My son and his girlfriend came round and spent hours clearing the rest of the room. Many many Bags full. Stacked it all in exes for taking to the dump Monday. Took myherbs which really upset my stomach, pain and nausea. Woke up a few times in the night.
Felt yuck and guts triggered about once a week now. Really felt unwell but kept going. Ex rAng to say needed my I’d to get in the dump andas he hD a job to do would dump everything back outside my house. He rang just as I hadmajor pain in my guts. I said a prYer that this would not happen and it did t but so many annoying little things that just accumulate. Didn’t get paid as a system error. Missed my writing class for second time and just wondering really what is possible these days. A bit fed up all in all. I am fed up of my guts kicking off and feeling unwell. Sometimes things just don’t work out, too often for my liking sometimes.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, thanks for your post. I’m hanging out in chat for a bit, trying to get back to a normal routine. I had to put my dog down this week. She was my shadow and kept me company through some pretty down times. I’ve been dealing with some anxiety and depression with life so hectic lately. It is hard to deal with life when your body doesn’t want to co operate. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be spoiled and pampered without a care in the world. That was never my lot it seems. I hope you are feeling a little better or maybe even a lot better! Well done on working through each day. Life sure is challenging. Keep at it! Laura

[Monica1]

Yes, I agree, when the body won t cooperate it is hard. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
The big laugh I had was when my son saved the day and got all the trash bags down the dump. He had to separate thebags. And he said imagine his horror when there was a bag full of Anne summers things. I used to sell Anne summers things in the early noughties. He said he needed therapy after doing that. Bags full of vibrators and such like I used to hold as stock. I laughed rather hard, it was so funny.

[Monica1]

But surviving. Cough is very slowly clearing but a few side effects from the herbs which upset my stomach, not as bad as antibiotics though.
Thought I would look at a dating agency for a change and realised that all men my age or even 50 plus look ghastly so again as it has always been internet dating not my thing.
Pete came up tonight and bought me a new printer as mine had broke. Pete said that he isn’t ready to move on at all. I think I am but I did realise that I still love him even though I am fine with how things are. Unusual situation.
My son is moving in this weekend, all happening very quickly now.
Just keep going. Aware I have a need to have some fun.
My daughter visiting next week as her youngest is having to do a family tree for a school project, how exciting, and very relevant as we r all looking into that as a family at the moment,

[Monica1]

All quiet on here. Very busy week. Working in a system under a huge amount of pressure. I would pack it all in except I got paid today and that always makes me think twice. Cough still there but much better. I am genuinely thinking of working part time and filing for bankruptcy when this job is over. It is all uphill with the debt situation and I still can’t pay any of it off.

[lizbeth4]

I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better! You know what will be good for you financially. I know many people who have filed for bankruptcy. Maybe it would be a relief for you. A burden off of your shoulders. Whatever choice you make, I’m sure it will be the best. Take care.

[finding_laura]

I could only imagine.  My sons would be horrified.  lol  Sounds like you guys are really making progress.  Don’t you wonder how a person managed to store so much stuff?  Tooooo funny

[finding_laura]

I’ll be on in 10! I put a little post above for you. Look up 🙂

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Just been catching up on your thread !
I think u should try a different dating agency ! Go for it – life’s to short . There are many very handsome men out there !
Hope your stomach is better and your cough .
It is so hard to work when unwell so Fair play to you for persevering .

If you declare bankruptcy will you be able to work.

With the burden of debt gone and a half decent partitme job you could have a very nice life without too much stress.

Life is short Monica – offload as much burden as you can and say yes to every fun thing you can !

Ps so funny about your son sorting the bags at the dump .

[Monica1]

Have slept a lot this weekend. Ventured out yesterday and got soaked waiting for buses for over an hour. All local buses seem to have stopped yesterday. Taking the herbs again as they seem to stop the cough which starts again as soon as I stop. My son Was a bit annoyed as I slept through his calls, he was wanting to come and paint. I told him to try and be kinder. I slept through all the groups. Work is difficult, people going off sick with stress and I am two people down. My sister asked for money again and I gave itwithout really saying anything. I think we are living in quite difficult times when we compare it to the past.
I think the ideal time for bankruptcy will be next year in April and I am aiming for that. I agree a part time job and a fresh start idi. But I am not counting out a miracle between now and then. I live in hope. Things not easy at the moment but keep on keeping on.

[lizbeth4]

Sleep is probably what you needed! Work sounds stressful. Hopefully it will get better! It was kind of you to send your Sister money. Sometimes hope is all we have. We have to keep going!!!

[Monica1]

I realised that the culture I work in is old fashioned and a bit hierarchical. I knew it was stepping backwards in time when I took the job and I have to wonder why. For the money that’s why! have been wracked with guilt for no good reason about saying to my bosses that I can’t relyon a colleague who strolls in very late and just tells me he is taking days off without asking, just taking and leaving me on my own. They have given me some extra support as I have been on my own when there is meant to be four people. Normally I wouldn’t rat on a colleague but I have been his boss before in another job and found him quite awkward then and I know he struggles,with me trying to get one up all the time. Not a team player at all. I don’t play games, I find them tedious. I still felt awful about,doing this as I wouldn’t normally take this action. I realised I had become over involved in trying to make things better in an environment that is less than. The office is very cold and I had to,wear a coat this week until someone lent me a fire today. I think that I need to become detached and less involved and wonder why I am putting up with it all. I have had to give up my writing,class, no additional energy for anything extra, but she is sending me the homework which I say I will pick,up,with when I hve the time and register for the next course, I am disappointed but I know that I have to change to a better work life balance when this job is over.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, Your job sounds very draining! My main career which lasted for 28 years involved working with people who did very little, called in sick a lot and weren’t team players. Everyone had to pick up their slack. Nothing much was done to them but they did get in trouble for the absences. It’s very disheartening. How much time do you have left there? I must say the main thing I like about my job is that I only rely on myself. Sorry you had to give up your writing class. We only have so much energy. When this job is over you will find something with a better environment. Take care.

[Monica1]

Just as busy at work and taking up all my time. Various frustrations and so busy left my lovely new scarf at a meeting. I got lost and neatly lost my ride for a meeting. I was just about to give up and pack it all in and just go home when it pulled up. Lost my Id badge as the lanyard was weak and broke. They want 20 quid for a replacement. What a bloody cheek. Things aren’t easy but I do feel helped on an invisible level and I give thanks for that.
Got a text from my sister to say doc called out for my mum who was in excruciating pain. The op that nearly killed her two years ago left her with a large hernia which is causing a lot of pain in her back coupled with her legs giving way which I think is some compression on her spinal cord due to severe spinal arthritis which she has had for years. My mum is super independent and still carries her shopping. So again send my sister money for petrol to travel down to her. 4 times in one month money to my sister. My sister had her physical and has been referred to the gym and told to stop drinking as her liver enzymes are out of whack, knew she would be confronted with this and the dangers of cirrhosis. She is taking this seriously and has cut down to one wine spritzer a day.
I am planning days off between now and Xmas. I have to cancel a hospital appointment for Monday as I have to be at work.
It’s just all go guys.

[lizbeth4]

Sounds like you’ve had 2 days of hell regarding work! But you keep persevering! That’s one of the qualities that I admire about you. Sorry to hear that your Mom is having health problems. A few days off would be good for you. I hope you have a good day!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
How annoying about your new scarf and yes those lanyards are not very strong at all. My one snapped quite quickly.

You poor mum- I know you are planning a trip for her to her homeland so I hope her health recovers soon. I can see where you get your drive from!

I admire your sister for cutting down her alcohol-it must be scary to realise that the decision to have those extra few drinks could potentially shorten your life . I have cut out alcohol – and it hasn’t impacted in any negative way.

Have you any nice plans for your days off ? I have said yes to a lot of social which is unlike me -but I guess that’s a good sign.

I hope your work is going well . In mine I have learned at last to stand up for myself and value myself even when others don’t – I like this new assertiveness , because even if I don’t get what I want I can feel satisfied with the efforts I made!

Hope to meet you in chat soon. Xx

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Well my weekends r spent resting up. Groups very quiet, just missed vera. Had deadlines on Friday so came home quite tired. Still struggling with the old fashioned culture at work and all its issues. I did have some urges from stress reaction but ignored them and they passed. The healthcare system is under so much strain. Went to see Chinese doc and he says I am still hoarse with remnants of the chest infection. He is right, of course, and gives me more herbs which have helped but half the dose due to its impact on the tum.
Saturday was a beautiful sunny day. I did a bit of shopping and finally bought some magnesium. I had a dream that I needed magnesium and acupuncture so I have fixed fortnightly acupuncture. Don’t like it hence not weekly but it does help. Had a choice between wimpy and healthy vegan. Chose the vegan for a change for a vegan burger. It was yuck, the meat and cheese substitutes taste nasty. The thick green shake with wheatgrass is very good. Wheatgrass is a great help to the immune system. Fell asleep early. Much colder again today so going shopping for boots and shoes. I live in sandals and have t yet given them up but the weather is turning cooler. My sister texts to say has stopped alcohol and 8s going to my mums next weekend to help with shopping. She wont tell me but I think she got a big wake up call in her recent tests. She used to drink daily. She thinks my mums hips are causing the legs to give way but I am not so sure but keeping an open mind on it. Don’t mind bring alone this weekend. I quite like it as I rest up better alone.

[lizbeth4]

The health system here has a lot to be desired. I believe in alternatives to regular medicine. Doctors here just want to hand out pills. My Grandmother used her own treatments for common illnesses and I still use them. I have all kinds of herbal teas which I use to calm my nerves, upset stomach, ect. I’ve been semi vegan, I eat fish, for over a year now. I usually make my own food, as some of the prepared vegan foods are yucky and bland. Sometimes being alone isn’t bad. In fact I think it’s good. A lot of people can’t function without someone by their side. Hope you have a pleasant work week. Take care.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

have a few minutes free while I have my coffee this morning. Maddening to lose a favourite scarf. I lost mine while shopping in a bargain store. I called later to see if it turned up but they happen to sell scarves in this bargain store (one of many items) so I figure someone got a great steal on my most favourite treasured scarf. So I say a prayer to bless whoever found it and hope it was meant for them. Sometimes that’s how things work I like to believe.

Magnesium is a basic requirement for all cells as I’m sure you are aware. I get quite tired if I don’t take mine for a few days.

Keep taking care of yourself in any way you can. Lots of rest. Glad you made it through those urges. Feelings can pile up so make use of your contacts.

Looking forward to a good catch up!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica I notice I have just missed you and others in few groups recently – they are definitely so much quieter but they are very late for those of us who have work next day .

It’s good that your sister has stopped drinking – better for her health and better for her wallet ! Is this the sister who borrows from you ? This might help with that also .

I hope your mum gets her legs sorted whatever the cause – it sounds like she is maybe a little resistant to visiting the doctor.

Magnesium is good – the old adage “we can get everything we need from our food “ is now being recognised as no longer true thanks to Morden farming methods stripping soils of nutrients . Like in the old sci fi movies , we will eventually be taking small tablets instead of food !

I hope work is bearable despite the culture . I’m not sure why but I waken with anxiety every day now – I would love to retire but of course have made that impossible for many years .

It’s so nice to read your post – I have somehow my mojo with posting . Take care xx

[Monica1]

Yes, I have also made retirement impossible right now idi. I slept all day today but needed it as work as hectic as ever. I am working in an overstretched system that is just full of problems. Treated myself to a restaurant gourmet burger last night as finished work late. It is the small things sometimes. The sleep has done me good as the tired hangover I feel daily has gone. Still tune in to scripture every morning and it keeps me going. My sister still asking for money and I give her a bit. She says can’t manage on her earnings and I know this is true in the U.K. today. People work hard and don’t earn enough to pay bills. She is visiting my mum tomorrow as my mum can’t do her shopping right now. Everything is what it is.
Funniest part of the week was walking into a building and security asking me why my bag was smoking, I had accidentally left a smouldering cigarette and my bag was catching fire. Oops.
Have requested 3 days off between now and Xmas, there needs to be a better work life balance. It isn’t as if I am earning my usual pay but enough for a comfortable living. I have been sucked into all the problems at work, it is very chaotic. I would usually be looking for a way out by now and I wonder what the learning is here.
I appreciate having a job but long hours leave little time for anything else. I haven’t used support cos too tired. But working is better than benefits and poverty. That is enough motivation to keep going right now. No major urges but I do need to,pick up support. Neatly 14 months gf now.

[lizbeth4]

I’m sure you needed the rest as you have long work days with the traveling back and forth. OMG! Your bag was smouldering!!! LOL! Hope your weekend is great. Off to do my Saturday cleaning. Congrats on your 14 months GF! Way to go! There’s hope for me!

[kin]

Thumbs Up! Good Job! Keep It Up! 14 months gamble free days.

I only have 4 gamble free days now, and you have become a good role model for me. 

You continue to soldier on despite hard times and suffering. This is highly respectable!

[finding_laura]

Hahahahaaaaaaa had a good laugh. You could have told them you were smoking hot! That’s why you were smoking entering the building. Too funny.

Work sounds like it will be hectic and busy til the end of contract. So please do treat yourself to lots of little things to make it feel not such a punishment.

14 months is such an amazing accomplishment! You did it. And I’m sure sometimes you must wonder how you made it through. Keep going Monica! Imagine where another 14 months could take you? Keep an open mind!

I know I’ve been slack in my support again lately. I tend to need periods of “down” time or I don’t take care of my own personal tasks and situation. A lot going on since we last spoke but won’t put all my details in my thread. Keep the faith Monica, you are well on the path out of the darkness of this addiction. xo take care friend Laura 

[Monica1]

Great to hear from you all.
Pete popped round Sunday eve and helped with some chores. Was so pleased to see him.
I read all your threads daily even if I don’t post.
Work busy as ever but I have next Monday off and two days end November. Rah! Working in such a challenged place I am in fact learning new things albeit I have way too much to do. Letters lay unopened again and will open them soon.
My mum had another fall yesterday and it is her hip giving way.

[finding_laura]

So sorry to hear about your mum’s fall! It is hard to watch our loved ones get older. Not to mention ourselves! Hanging out chatting at the moment but connectivity seems to be an issue. Hopefully we can all connect on the weekend. Laura

[Monica1]

But felt on top of things today in the madhouse where I work. Pete came round this evening and he cleaned my house. Does such a good job for which I give him 20 quid and dinner.
My son rang to say he had a row with mum of his 1st child and she decided vindictively to take him to the child support agency when he supports all his children financially and always has done. She wants it backdated many years. I have always been very fond of her but some behaviours lately I am pretty disgusted by.
Pete said he still loves me before he left and I said same. He said bye gorgeous. He never says that. I cheer up when we see each other. What a strange situation.

[finding_laura]

Just got out of chat and seen your update. A clean house is always a pleasure and one you don’t have to do yourself can be even more so. I was working on a spare room today. It felt good to walk into the room and smell clean. Your situation may be a bit strange but then in this world there are all kinds of relationships. Whatever it is or isn’t take it slow. Have a good rest of week. Happy Hump day.
Laura

[Monica1]

Not the best of days today. Really struggling with the chap at work who told his replacement who has only just started how much he doesn’t like me. Terrible thing to say to someone who has just started who is also struggling with him.
Cos I can see straight through his manipulation and I have had to report when he comes in and goes home early today 4 hours early and listens to podcasts when he should be working. Hard sharing an office with him.
My constant ga lady friend invited me to meet two new female members early in recovery for coffee and attend a meeting. She has been the one constant in my recovery and rings every few weeks. I found out my sponsor when I first went to GA who I had problems with and the intensity of the steps and his counsel was gambling the entire time he was leading meetings and sponsoring people and has now left the fellowship. It was somewhat of a relief to find this out but also to get an idea of how tricky it can be when we are in a vulnerable place. Which is why I like gma so much. The meeting was ok and we will meet up again in two weeks time. So I am surrendering all of the crap I encounter to my higher power.

[lizbeth4]

Try not to let the man at work get you down! He is rude! Why are there so many rude people in this world? He knows that you’ve got his number and how he really is! He’s just deflecting his short comings onto you. Disgusting man!!! Also, I say follow your heart with Pete. My Husband and I were together for 31 years, second marragues for both. We separated and were divorced for 5 years. We stayed friends and remarried. We stayed that way till his death. People didn’t understand why we would remarry. I’d get unwanted comments all the time. In fact, I was engaged during our separation but called it off as I knew that I still loved my ex. He was my soulmate and we were always pulled towards each other. Your heart knows!! Your GA friend sounds great. It’s good to have support. Hope your weekend is great! Take care.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the lovely supportive post. I worked from home today as had a lot of deadlines and didn’t want to sit i an emotionally charged space to do it. Yesterday my colleague just walked out and left the new person on their own. His mum has had heart surgery so I know it is a difficult time for him but I also know that something else is going on. Aside from him disliking me and telling everyone. And you know what it reminded me of when I was gambling when everything falls apart at work as his work output hasn’t been good. I suspect that something similar is going on. And then it all kicked off at work over an issue he has been dealing with for months going round and round in circles. He got a complete drubbing for his advice and I had to take it over and intervene. He then resigned 12 days earlier than when he was leaving. I wrote to my bosses and said I have suggested he take time out as he needs it for his mum but I told the truth about the nonsense that is going on and said it would be better if he did leave as it is too disruptive to everything and he isn’t doing anything he is asked to do. I so tried to do the right thing here and it is really difficult. Having to work this weekend. I am doing my best which is all I can do. If not good enough well I did my very best.

[kathryn]

Working from home sounds like a great solution for you at the moment. You don’t need the added stress!!!!!
Hope your mum is on the mend. Its been 8 months now since I lost my mum and I still talk to her everyday. Even though I KNOW she is gone, part of me feels like it was all just a bad dream!
Anyways, hope you get all your work done and have a little time to spend on yourself this weekend.
Love K xx

[Monica1]

Today I learned some profound spiritual truths and felt them and I would like to share them. I awoke feeling an internal battle, the external battle being a reflection of the internal one and vice versa. I did nothing for hours which is my stress response, to try and get still. and missed my acupuncture appointment but then went out, got some manuka honey and went to a nice restaurant for,lunch.
Even though I was feeling it, I was being good to myself, and that felt better. If you read my thread you will see I asked why am I at that place of work? And now I know.
God knows I only work only for good bosses and my two bosses are good people. God my higher power is asking me to step up. Sometimes us women have to be a warrior and we sometimes have to do things for the greater good. Sometimes God puts us in places to be a tool for others learning and I saw all this mans issues and they r a bit murky… he can’t abide women in authority because his wife who divorced him is doing better than him and runs rings around him. So as liz says, he transfers his issues on to me. I remember his smug grin when he thought he had the better of me. It was like the devil grinning at me, well not literally but equally ewwwwww. I gave him a way out and he resigned, even though I knew he was lying. Maybe I should not have done that but I did.
The things that used to have me running to the tables like constantly being asked for money no longer do. There is an end to that and my sister said it would be the last time. I said to get herself straight and look at next March to see if she is in any position to pay back. Her car loan stops this month and that should help her.
I also learned yet again for the umpteenth time that GA is for men, not women. The new lady members, one of them said that she didn’t feel safe with all the men and felt some anger and hatred. The first three steps are great, and work. The steps of character defects, whilst we all have them, are not for women. Many of these women have been hurt through the actions of men, their self esteem needs building not taking down. Me for example, there would be virtually no one to make amends to, it was something I did to myself with my money. So I need to make amends to me and also probably the kids for gambling away most of my money. I am on a spiritual programme and Jesus and God are my Father and higher power. I am not perfect and know it, and god knows it but I lean on him for strength and resilience plus wisdom.

[i-did-it]

Monica
I am kinda at a loss for words but I will try .
That was such a powerful post – I wonder why I didn’t see it earlier.

I am thinking when you described this man we all know someone like him- in my case it’s a woman who cannnot stand that I manage her ! I wonder what makes these people so damaged -but yes I believe you were there for him to learn . He has leavened that women are strong , decisive and deserving of respect – and will settle for nothing less than respect . That is a good lesson .

Never a lender or a borrower be ! Money is the root of all evil – so many relationships are destroyed by money so well done on handling the situation with your sister so openly .

I felt that GA is for men also . I have tried to explain that I felt frightened with so many men there – I have tried to explain that I felt scared walking to my car alone afterwards but would be more scared if one of the men accompanied me. It is just how I am and you have just explained perfectly that Others feel the same – i keep being offered the same advice like “get back to GA”, and “follow the steps “ which to be honest I cant identify with. I also find most of the GA cliches annoying, totally unhelpful and completely outdated , but respect those who find it helpful .

So Monica , you post feels so inspired on so many levels .
Was lovely to see u in chat
Xx

[Monica1]

Thank u for your post. I always love reading your posts because they r so insightful. Yes, it was one of those times when you just get something this morning in quite a deep way. We feel exactly the same about GA. I find if we ask the questions we often receive answers.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, My first GA meeting was 97 percent men. I was immediately put on the spot and asked to read from the handbook and was grilled by the man running it. At break, I was smoking at the time, 1 of the 3 women there suggested I find another group. They had been there a long time and this was a tuff group to handle. I got in my car and tore out of there. And my quest to find a group started. After many, I can honestly say that none have grabbed my attention. The last one I attended in the city was ok. No ties were formed. Very disappointing!

[Monica1]

Well last Sunday kept getting kicked out of group cos sometimes my wi fi just keeps cutting out. So irritating. Monday I had off and spent the day with an intense 28 hour episode of ibs, which was my stress response. Tuesday I found my bosses 100 per cent supportive. It may have been a victory but I didn’t feel it. I appreciated the support a lot and this chap has upset other women who r coming out of the woodwork. He just cuts them off like he did to me. But I did get my hair cut and coloured in between cramps on the Monday.
My friend with cancer rang. All the alternative treatments, the obnoxious healer costing thousands and the cancer is now 12 cms. She has been referred to the marsden. She still doesn’t want chemo just surgery and radiotherapy. Guys refused to treat her because of her refusal to do chemo. She eats 100 per cent fresh and organic. I get that so much cos I also could not do chemo. I,have decided if she gets refused I will do a petition.
Thursday evening I go to a work quiz night and have a lot of fun. I am incredibly competitive well as much as one can be at a certain age and quizzes bring it out.
Friday evening I am very tired, do group but can’t sleep, not cos the brain keeps going but I just ache all over and wonder if I am going down with something yet again. Work and it’s stresses and busyness takes it out of me. I have a few urges but stop them in their tracks. I have been approached about doing another job as soon as this one ends. I was planning on going on holiday to the caribbean as a statement on my recovery. But now I am not sure.
Saturday I go for a manicure and massage and acupuncture and I feel much much better. We have to consciously do things to get the stress out of our bodies and just relax. My sister asks for money again saying this time is the last time.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica , really well done on standing up to this fella – yes you had the support of your boss but you are the person who took action – you managed the situation!

I’m sorry your IBS flaired up again – I am thinking if it is often a stress response could u take a relaxing supplement like l- theanine during times of stress – could that possibly help ?

The quiz sounds like to was good fun- you have to get competitive – makes it interesting !
I am not surprised you feel tired – you have a full time job and the travel is like another half-job in itself – added toth fact you have not been feeling the best . Once again the unsinkable Mrs Brown comes to mind – nothing can keep you down and you even went out and socialised on top of all that !

You seem to be developing a good balance between relaxation and work activities. You are really working recovery in an inspirational way .

Xx

[finding_laura]

Really proud of you Monica. I’m in group but no one around this evening. Wish you a peaceful week in work. Great getting out and having a laugh. I was out Friday evening having a rare good night. Work is taking a bit out of me but I’m managing. The other job opportunity wouldn’t wait a week and let you have a vacation? IBS flare ups are awful. I haven’t had one in years thankfully or not like I used to have anyway. Keep taking care of your self. I find financial pressures are piling up a little. Gave me urges. I caved in. Just being stupid. I know better. I refuse to let this turn into a full blow relapse. I Miss catching up with the girls. Take care xo

[Monica1]

Mild Ibs in morning. So weird, I always know it’s coming as I get strange tingles down my side. Worked from 9 to 6. Day so busy it goes quickly. Thinking about Laura today.
Pete rang this evening, popping round tomorrow. My mood improves a notch, not that it is bad, I am Ok, just fed up with ibs.

[Monica1]

Everything happening at once. As soon as I give spare keys to pete my son calls and asks for the keys. They both always call at the same time and this isn’t a coincidence. Nothing for ages and both at the same time. I get phone calls during the day and in evening when normally it is all quiet.
I am staying in top of things, just.

[Nick]

HI Monica thanks for your post on my journal i needed it. Reading your posts you keep yourself busy with i think is a great thing to do in our recovery.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica –
That is strange that they always arrive together. I wonder why this happens ?

Hope all is good with you and that work is going well.
Maybe we will get a catch up in group over weekends.
Xx

[Monica1]

Hard work again with lots of meetings, and difficult issues. resting up over the weekend. My son didn’t collect the keys, just said using same excuse as you, too tired from work in evening. Pete cleaned the house and we said we would go,out one night and shoot some pool,which we did a lot,when we first started going out. I had a misspent youth for about a year and am quite good at pool, and often beat him.
Xmas coming soon. I am very mindful that nearly one year ago on December 7th I went to the doctor, 4 months in recovery, sick and depressed I said I wanted to commit suicide. Xmas I had no presents for anyone which had never happened. I still have huge debt and the gut condition which isn’t as bad as it was then but I have a good balance in my bank account, am working, which I couldn’t do then, and back at my usual level in the workplace. I didn’t lose my home which was under threat and two committal to prison proceedings for non payment of council tax were dropped after I explained what was going on. My son is moving in to my flat. I had a holiday, albeit not s very good one in July and most important of all, I regained my faith hugely and in s different way to before, this is what gets me through things. So recovery can happen from the worst pit that gambling can put us in.
I did two groups yesterday and have been on the forum quite a lot as need to keep the momentum up.

[Monica1]

One lesson I have learned in life is that many times I have reached situations where I think, well this is the end, and it hasn’t been. We can go on on faith and live a good life, no matter how old we were when we stopped gambling.

[kin]

they never fail to open up my eyes in wonder.

there is so much we can learn from you.

[i-did-it]

Monica , your life has transformed in a year .
It is so good to read such a positive post.
I am afraid I have lost momentum with the site

I feel you are a great example for others Monica- to motivate us to turn our lives around . It can be done at any age – too often I find myself thinking about what could hve been – the future seems to huge – the problems I have created for the future seems too huge. I guess whatever our earning power we can tackle them .

I didn’t realise the council tax situation has been resolved – that is such a relief- I do believe God will restore everything the thief has taken. There are so many bible verses on restoration and I know your trust and commitment to God and living a Christian life is playing a major part in your recovery.

I hope to catch up in chat over the weekend .
Xx

[Monica1]

Hard day at work again and had tummy pain all day. Realised the herbs help the ibs but not my stomach, make that a lot worse. Back to the drawing board. My son picked up the keys tonight and is coming to paint tomorrow.
I am so glad I don’t gamble!

[Monica1]

Lost one earring, just fell out of my ear. Expensive Swarovski earrings. Feel annoyed that so busy that I am losing things. Second thing I lost. And a jumper I bought has a big hole in it. I find these things darn Irriating. Was on own today and yesterday at work. Both my colleagues off with this chest infection that’s going round. If I had t been so busy it would simply not have happened. Better work life balance is a must do.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Thank you for your posts on my thread .
I can sense your frustration at being so busy – it is so difficult to get a proper work – life balance, especially when you hve a lot of travel every day .

If you were catholic I would tell you to pray to st Anthony and I would guarantee that your earring will turn up – as you are not I will. Pray to him for you ! Lol.

Perhaps the herbs have stopped you getting that chest infection?

Keep strong – enjoy having your son move in xx

[lizbeth4]

Hopefully you can resolve your tummy issues. It’s so hard to work when you’re short handed plus not feeling well. You have really come so far and have been a good example that we can all persevere. I hate it when I lose something and It’s usually a earring that I love. Maybe it will turn up. That’s great that your Son is painting and getting his space ready for his move in. Have a great day tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

I agree the debate should end Monica.

The purpose of me posting was to give my opinions based on the observations I’ve seen in I-did-it’s posts throughout this year, in an effort to help her see that perhaps, although she often tells us she has “got it”. That maybe she might start looking in a different direction.

There’s a lot I could say Monica, I’m not going to. I’ll end this debate right now. However it takes two to tango, and I won’t sit tight lipped if anymore derogatory comments are pointed in my direction.

You too, have a blessed day.

[Anonymous]

I agree the debate should end Monica.

The purpose of me posting was to give my opinions based on the observations I’ve seen in I-did-it’s posts throughout this year, in an effort to help her see that perhaps, although she often tells us she has “got it”. That maybe she might start looking in a different direction.

There’s a lot I could say Monica, I’m not going to. I’ll end this debate right now. However it takes two to tango, and I won’t sit tight lipped if anymore derogatory comments are pointed in my direction.

You too, have a blessed day.

[Monica1]

Well when my son came round for the keys the first thing I said to him was that in the next three years I would like him to buy a house. I could not do this for myself but I will do my best to help him to do this for his family. Yesterday I had quite an energised day and today exact opposite! It is cold. My mood dropped last night when I get a text from my friend with cancer to say that refused treatment unless has chemo. I am appalled by this and spend the night looking up treatment options. I am very concerned about her as I know she could not tolerate chemo but in the meantime the tumour is not going away. I dwell on this today and find I totally forget about a meeting at work and I am called to go and attend with my boss saying it was unlike me as I was always on time. I find it is playing on my mind quite a lot. I pray for her and must keep acknowledging that God is in control of everything. But she has t answered my texts which makes me worry about her. I have to stop worrying. It doesn’t get us anywhere.
I find myself on here talked about as an inspiration, I do not feel that at all. I am someone who went so far down the tubes with gambling that the only option was to stop and live! To find God, my higher power and to really feel that working in my life. The relationship is one with a living God. I want that in my life each and every day. In God is my strength and resilience.

[i-did-it]

Monica
I think it’s so important for people who are “making it” to keep writing on here – we never know who we will inspire. You inspire me – a year ago could you have imagined talking about helping your son to buy a house ?

I’m sorry to read about your friend – the options feel treating cancer are not very nice. I hope she finds a treatment which will work for her.

I hope the meeting went well regardless – it strikes me as very positive that your boss recognised to forget is unlike you .

Hope you have a lovely weekend xx

[Monica1]

Hope to talk to you in chat as I have something to share that I will not write on my journal. There is a book called healing the soul of a woman by Joyce Meyer. I have been meaning to get it for weeks and will buy it in the next week or two. I feel that women have certain lessons in life that are unique to their gender. In my early life up to my early thirties I felt that I was nothing without the man in my life and my ex did everything to support this view and actually believed it. Getting older has shown me that we and God r all we need.
Today I went for a radio frequency facial. Supposed to stimulate collagen and I certainly feel a lot smoother in the face. Could tell str8 away. My weekends r filled with things to rejuvenate and look after myself. Hugged the therapist at the end of it.
Went for acupuncture and we have agreed to knock the herbs out for now owing to the stomach pain. Cough has gone and herbs help the ibs but make stomach far worse. Relaxed during acupuncture and almost fell asleep. Did my food shopping in m and s and home.

[Monica1]

My back went a bit when I climbed off the acupuncture table and aches a bit now. I keep having memories of a slot game I used to play, old Mac Donald’s farm where the top win was on a horse and I keep replaying it in my head when it came up for me. Hmmmmm… don’t like getting urges. I can only be grateful that I am excluded from all sites that has the game.

[kin]

Dear Monica,

You are an inspiration to many!

Psalm 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life.

But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others.

Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God choose to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[Monica1]

Ty, for some reason this has really helped!

[kin]

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.

Beautiful people do not just happen.”

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I am blown away by Kin’s beautiful words .
I don’t know what a radio frequency facial is but I want one !
Urges have nowhere to go when we have taken action to protect ourselves .
I have got my phone locked down at last – finding my thread so helpful now.
Thank you for a wonderful and beautiful “cracked pot”.
Xx

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

happy to hear that your weekends are about taking care of yourself and rejuvenation. You deserve to feel healthy and whole.

I too felt I had fallen hard and fast and had no other choice but to stop gambling and start living or die. For a long time that keeps the urges away. But eventually the fear and destitution fades and those urges can try and pop back up. Keep changing the channel in your mind when those old visions try to come to roost. Kick old Mcdonald in the @ss.

Kin has a beautiful way of saying what we need to hear and sharing the inspiration of god and others. Honestly I think most “perfect” people are hollow shells. Then there are those who are inspirational. Some have been blessed with a smooth road and others such a rocky one but they still end up growing and being a living inspiration.

Sorry we haven’t connected over the weekend. I’ve been resting and sleeping a lot. Recovering from working all week. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be on for the 10pm group your time. I may try and get out to visit friends I’ve been missing while trying to adjust to working again.

Keep up the self care! Your work schedule is gruelling and you need to take care of yourself so I’m really glad to hear that you are making progress in how you are feeling. Stress is such a contributing factor to IBS. Hopefully stress will start to settle a little now that problem guy is gone.

Had a great couple of chat sessions this weekend and connected with IDI. I’m thrilled with her blocking again. I have stayed away other than those two blips. It honestly felt pointless. Like there was really going to be NO UPSIDE from it. Recovery feels more natural to me. So you never have to find out for yourself. Just take it from me.

Have a good week Monica and thanks for thinking of me. I am managing. I’m a tough bird. Can’t keep a good woman down 🙂 take care xo

[Monica1]

Such lovely words kin. I too am blown away by them. Today I slept all day till 5pm. Acupuncture always makes me sleepy to be energised a couple of days later. I awake to find texts from my son and my friend. She is feeling a lot better having been to a Health farm and had a mini romantic encounter there. She feels like miracles are possible. I say I am praying for a treatment option for her. I think to myself you cant just leave it but cannot persuade her to do something she doesn’t want to do.
My son has some time off from work and is moving his things in this week. He has an opportunity to go to the Bahamas, Nassau via Florida with a friend who has won an all inclusive poker package for a 10 million tournament. I say I won’t support gambling. He says he won’t be gambling just that room and breakfast will be free. And that as it his birthday this week, could I contribute. I agree as this is a wonderful opportunity for him to get some r and r. I say to use some of the money I gave him to keep for me. Hurrah, he still has it! The timing is perfect for him. So I agree. Is that wrong? I don’t know.

[Monica1]

Pulled something in my back yesterday and it is aching today. Couldn’t find anything in the local shop but rummaged through my drug cupboard and found a heat patch. Usually, it never fails to amaze me that I usually can’t find one useful thing in my pharmacy cupboard!

[kin]

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the LORD has promised to those who love him.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope your back is much better – how is your skin now after the facial? Do you notice a difference ?
Hope work is going well.
Talk soon xx

[Monica1]

Yes, my skin is ok after the facial. More noticeable in first 24 hours, a bit like putting an iron to the face ie smoothing the creases out. I am using huh dose ibuprofen which has really helped the back.
Today busy day as per usual but the replacement chap for the other person bought me a card and chocs to say ty as I agreed to him taking study leave to finish his degree, I didn’t have to but did. What a nice way to start the day.
I am looking up alternative cures for the stomach as have to bite the bullet. Expensive herbal tea which I will have to get. Aside from that, am Ok, days go quickly.

[Monica1]

Didn’t sleep well so,woke up, rushed out and locked myself and my phone out. Tube strikes so everything over crowded. Was firefighting all day over one complex issue that cropped up this morning and required resolution by the end of the day. Took all day and was very draining.
Went to my sons on way home to get the keys to let myself in. My ex drove me home but not before his girlfriend said she thought I was 50 and that I looked far younger than my years. There u r I did it the facial took 11 years off me!
Glad to see Trump lost the house of reps.

[Monica1]

Didn’t sleep well so,woke up, rushed out and locked myself and my phone out. Tube strikes so everything over crowded. Was firefighting all day over one complex issue that cropped up this morning and required resolution by the end of the day. Took all day and was very draining.
Went to my sons on way home to get the keys to let myself in. My ex drove me home but not before his girlfriend said she thought I was 50 and that I looked far younger than my years. There u r I did it the facial took 11 years off me!
Glad to see Trump lost the house of reps.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I have to have one of those facials !!
It was worth locking your keys out to get a compliment like that .
I look 11 years older.
Still gamble free – thank you for all your non-judgemental support . Looking forward to Christmas for once xx

[Monica1]

Wednesday night I lost my remote so no scripture in the morning and missed it. Tv doesn’t turn on without the remote. Finally found it Thursday night after turning my room upside down. My duvet had eaten it along with a lighter stuck in a corner.
My son moved in today and goes to the Bahamas shortly. I now have a tumble dryer and soon a dishwasher which he brought into the house. He said something amazing after going out to see a friend, he said to him that he would have never considered moving in with me but his mum is in a really good place, and he already feels happier. I told him it was recovery and Jesus. He said he doesn’t believe but I should not be shy to admit that it is Jesus that gives me strength and resilience. I said that it changes us from the inside out, because it really does. That is so good to hear from him. Of all my children, he has held some views of me from my addictive behaviour many years ago and I can see that this is now changed. How absolutely amazing is that?

[Fozz]

Day one tomorrow for me , and then only another two hundred and ninety nine to reach your inspirational achievement to date . One day at a time aye .

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Yes that’s amazing and wonderful- for all of us , our ultimate aim after stopping gambling is to change ourselves – for your son to recognise the change in you is really fabulous – and he is right- you are in a good place.

I hope you are so happy living with your son. How lovely that he encourages you in your faith – life is turning out good Monica – and you deserve it .

[Monica1]

Is it really that long since I last posted?
Not much to say aside from keepin trucking on. My GA girlfriend is having a get together of women in mid December and I agree to the invite. I feel called to do something along these lines.
This time last year I was broke and Unwell, unable to work with a repossession order on my home. On my birthday. Y son took me out for dinner and paid for a cut and colour. I had nothing and on the 7th December went to my gp, 4 months in recovery and said I wanted to commit suicide. My choices had led to this.
My choice to surrender to Jesus has led to recovery, working full time now, still a long way to go, re debts, but happier 100 per cent.

[lizbeth4]

You’ve come a long way since a year ago! Your persistence has really inspired me! There will always be obstacles in our way but you’ve taught me that if we have faith we can face anything. Thanks.

[finding_laura]

ok all caught up! Love the ex’s girlfriend complimenting you! I’m happy to know you look good on the outside (an outward sign that things are better inward)! Love your son’s comments about his mom. Also great to hear you are doing good inside out. What an amazing difference a year has made. Yes work is tough but at least you can handle it! Your wits have come back and you’ve made it through the crisis and come a long way out the other side. The days have added up to something beautiful. Enjoy the perks of having your son move in. So proud of you Monica. You make me want to be really strong. Thanks for the inspiration. Keep doing what you are doing. xo Laura

[Monica1]

Lovely posts. My iPad has been broken and won’t charge since Sunday. It has just charged now a few per cent hence posting. Havent been able to do group but will try some point this week.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I haven’t been able to access groups but seems to be sorted now .
Lovely to read your now and then … I am so happy to read about your happiness .

Thank you for your support – even during the darker days you were here for everyone else .
Xx

[Monica1]

Have read everyone’s posts this morning. Long week again and worked till 9pm last night getting home at 10.30pm. Too many deadlines and speaking to my bosses about it.
Well, my sons schedules and mine from when he came home on Monday didn’t meet up till Thursday. He has no work now till January so is home most of the time. Pete rang me to say he would pop over and I said he couldn’t as my son was home. It isn’t easy living with someone else. Pete and I had a settled routine when we lived together and we didn’t often clash at all over many years except when he found my depression difficult when I stayed in bed when destitute and in the first few months of recovery.
In myself I am stillok. Thursday when I came home my sons girlfriend had cleaned the kitchen and moved everything around. It irritated me slightly but she had cooked a wonderful meal. My washing stand thing thing had been moved and is sitting in the middle of the front room. Last night when I came home after a very long day very late looking forward to some flap jacks, found they had all been eaten so I went without my treat. My son was gambling poker on line and popped in when he lost his wi fi. He texted me to say hope u r not gambling when I was on my iPad. I texted back to say it was him that was gambling not me and I would sooner not know and that he should respect recovery a bit more. A lot of non CGs who gamble don’t understand recovery.
Well this week a new job has come up with an old boss friend of mine which is my usual much higher rate of pay. My current work have extended me another six months as the perm person pulled out as she got a promotion, In view of the distance I travel one of these days can be from home which is perfect. Dilemma. I have been sucked into the dysfunction and multiple problems of where I work which is systemic. I have got very involved. Leaving them would cause them a lot of problems and this is a dilemma for me. As soon as I got off the phone aboutntheother job my boss said she was pleased I would be staying and my agency fed back that the review I had had was very positive.
I am feeling a little tired but am Ok. Wondering how things will develop with my son. We haven’t lived together since he was about 17 which is twenty years. So,I guess we getting to know each other. His girlfriend has been staying and the walls are very thin here. I think it may be difficult for him too living with me as I express it when I am annoyed not in an angry way just a matter of fact t way. In recovery we cannot hide or repress how we feel, we just don’t let the emotions dominate how we feel and act.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
Yes living with your son must be a huge change. You have dilemma about which job to take- ask yourself which post makes you feel most valued – the one with the higher pay or the one with the great feedback? The one with the higher pay will also likely become comfortable and bring great feedback with time. I hope to catch you in chat as so much stuff is coming into my head about this. I am out tonight so perhaps tomorrow,

Monica I hope you don’t mind my saying but it sounds a little uneven that your son’s girlfriend can be there as often as he chooses but Pete must visit only when your son is out.
You deserve to have company whenever you wish, and anyone you choose regardless of how others feel. It is not always easy to meet people we are really comfortable with.

My phone no longer allows me to go to the journal part of the site but when i can i catch up on my son’s laptop. I am currently gamble free thanks to my barriers so I guess it’s worth missing out on some things.
xx

[Monica1]

Doesn’t want to talk and pushes what I am saying away as he thinks I am moaning at him and can’t deal with it. I stop him in his tracks and we discuss emotional intelligence about explaining how we feel in a non emotional way. He gets it. He is only in the next room but rings me three times to talk breakfast which he is getting from a cafe as a phone takeaway. This makes me smile.

[Monica1]

And makes me coffee. He sings to himself making it…

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post which I missed just now. Pete understands as do I about why this is and it really is better they are kept apart. I would like it to be different but it isn’t and all sides get why this is. It isn’t like I wasn’t orepared or didn’t expect this, my so. Ask me to sort out getting the central heating on as it reminds him of Doug, my exes house which is very cold. I haven’t had central heating for years now as it upsets my system but I don’t have the heater on today and it doesn’t feel cold.
Hope to catch u in chat tomorrow idi.

[lizbeth4]

For myself, I’ve found it difficult to have my Daughters living with me as adults. I would do it if necessary though. I hope it all works out with your Son living with you. Maybe I’m just too set in my ways! LOL! I know you feel a duty with your current job but would you be happier with the new job offer? Decisions. Have a good day! Take care.

[Monica1]

Yes, we had our first row yesterday but we made it up by text when I was on my way out to acupuncture and reached a mutual understanding. We are both aiming to have peace in our environment so found an on the same page moment. I said that simply things need to be discussed before they start shifting around my home. I couldn’t find quite a few things yesterday and it was somewhat irritating. I realised my son isn’t feeling 100 per cent and needs some tlc which always gets my mothering nature coming out.
All buses on divert yesterday as a second big sinkhole appeared down the road.
Yesterday evening I was having hours of extra heartbeats which have calmed down today after taking magnesium. I dreamt a few months ago that I needed acupuncture and magnesium, bought the magnesium, and as is my nature left it sitting on the shelf. Took some and things much calmer today.

[Monica1]

Is my birthday. And my son bought me breakfast this morning. Last night I went to see Tamla Motown the musical which was good, not great but good. Being in the secon d row meant I could see that half of it was lip-synched which takes away a bit from live theatre. But none of that mattered really. Pete is always late for stuff and was three quarters of an hour late. But armed with a card and presents, chocs and bath stuff. We celebrated in true style afterwards when he bought me a Mac Donald’s. But is was all good.
Last year on my birthday I was destitute and it was ten days before I went to my gp to say I was suicidal on December 7th. I remember it so clearly because I was stopped by a Jehovah’s Witness on the way. My son made my last birthday good though by paying for a cut and colour and dinner in the local posh restaurant.
This year I paid for the tickets to Tamla Motown, I am working, my gut Health has improved but not better yet. No inroads into debt yet but I tackled one small debt yesterday and found as I had thought that it wasn’t a debt. They had made a mistake. So that is 0.0000001of what I owe. It is slow but steady progress one day at a time. I am going to enjoy my day. My mums card still hasn’t arrived and I know she is fretting about that as it had money in it but something is awry with the post in my house. I think there are light fingers. I have gratitude for being in a much better place than last year. It is called recovery and I am grateful for it.

[jen3]

Happy Birthday Monica! Very proud of you. You are doing Great!! I can’t even imagine how it must feel to have so much gamble free time behind you….. I seem to make it 30, 60 sometimes 90 and than blow it. I am not going to worry about messing up again. Just taking it a day at a time. (Easier said than done) it’s only been 12 days. Since than things are already better. Some days I think “what I will do different” some days I don’t think at all. It is crazy how One minute I think “I will get 1/2 my money from tre last time back and than quit. And the next I think “don’t bother, it will never end win or loose”. In any case…. not going to gamble today.

[lizbeth4]

Happy birthday! I hope your day is full of wonderful things. You deserve it!!!

[kin]

Wishing you good health, wisdom, freedom, peace and joy always!

[Monica1]

I am just chilling out today. My son bought me a box with Cartier on it and turns out it is Cartier playing cards obtained in the Bahamas. He has bought me some headphones so I don’t play my games out loud. Had a long chat with my mum on phone.
My son and his girlfriend asked me what I like to eat and I mentioned that I loved cauliflower cheese soup and they are now making it. This is great, lazing around getting fed my favourite things and just signed up to another six months in the current job. I have decided, challenging though it is to stick with it.
Who knows,I may be able to start addressing the large debt situation or not. I have until April to decide on bankruptcy or not. Hopefully, not.
From about thirty odd birthday on messages Facebook each year I now have five from friends, which reflects that I rarely use Facebook any more. My ex from when I was 19 who broke my heart and found each other again on Facebook a few years ago, always wishes me a happy birthday.

[i-did-it]

Happy Birthday Monica,
It sounds like you are having a lovely time .
I find myself very impressed that anyone would know how to make cauliflowers cheese soup !

Monica I think you have made a wise decision- six months of stability will only boost your recovery .
it is so motivating to read your thread and compare it to a year ago. Monica enjoy your special day – you have earned it. Xx

[vera]

…and all the best for the year to come, Monica.
I’m just back from Malta…

[Monica1]

Hi Vera, Have read your posts on others threads. Glad you had a good break and that you have split the cost with hubby. Malta is on my list, hope to chat about it in group.

[Monica1]

Fell asleep early and woke up at 2am. Still awake. My son came home at 3 after seeing a friend and decided to share with me a few things, one good, one shocking. The child support agency reduced what he is paying as he pays so much for his children. So the vindictiveness wanting more didn’t pay off.
Now the shocking, and very topical. My granddaughter was jumped by a girl and beaten on her way home from school. it was filmed with no one intervening, quite a few watching and laughing. It made the front page news of the Brighton Argos as it was a relentless attack. She is not too badly hurt with black eyes. But my son was talking revenge, he cried about it. I said violence solves nothing but I will call my granddaughter tomorrow. He says he self esteem also took a bashing. This preys on my mind and I pray about it.

[lizbeth4]

How scary for your Granddaughter! That really upsets me that no one intervened. This world is scary. I hope she will realize that the other girl is the one with low self esteem. Normal people don’t behave that way!!! I understand your Son’s reaction. It’s hard to see our children suffer. I will be thinkimg of your Granddaughter. Take care!

[Monica1]

Not the best of days today. Worked from home till lunchtime, sat on my bed and just fell asleep. Six hours later woke up. I need to catch up on work over the weekend. Been mulling over whether to get a heart check up as have had a week of ectopic beats on and off. Was surprised how tired I feel. Not going to do anything till Sunday and rest up. Left my phone at work but dont mind being without it for the weekend. Thursday was so busy that as usual I leave things in places. I wonder if I am up to the pace sometimes but I also know that I can be too hard on myself.
Sorry to read of Vera’s setback.

[lizbeth4]

As a person who has had a heart attack and has a heart issue which I take medications for, don’t mess around if you are not feelimg well. Go to the Dr’s. You know when something isn’t right. Rest!

[vera]

I’ve been trying to get round to posting to say thank you for your support in the group last night.
I may have come across as dazed but I took in what you said and will put it into effect.
I gave an account on my thread of what today has been like.
Externally everything appears as normal but inside I feel like a squeezed out dishcloth.
I just had a long bath (puddings still bubbling along nicely) so I will wind down soon and have a very early night. I told my son and his wife that I will treat them to a meal tomorrow after Mass so I need to get my act together. Thank God there was 200 left in my account (the last of the overdraft) so I can fulfill that promise at least.
I hope you get some rest over the weekend as well as catching up on your work. Have a health check up asap, Monica (ask for a cardio stress test), says one who escapes to the slots to avoid all health issues!
I hope your grand daughter is recovered from her ordeal.
The world has gone mad. The order of Life is breaking down.
Thanks too for posting to my thread.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,
sorry I missed your birthday, a very happy belated. What a difference a year can make. You got there one day at a time. You didn’t gamble each day no matter what. And you had quite a few no matter whats! Glad you were spoiled with meals and treats. Getting out to a show. What a normal birthday activity. Well done.

I worry about your health and the demands the job is putting on you. I hope your employer realizes what they have and that you are karmically rewarded for it somewhere along the line. I second Liz’s thoughts on getting a checkup with the doctor about your heart. Or next time it’s racing go to a hospital walk in where they can do some heart tests. No sense fooling around.

I find now that I’m working I’m sapped every night. I usually have to medicate with pain medication and end up in bed watching Netflix. I’m not much of a support system for my GT friends. But I still think of you and wish you all the best.

Laura xo

[Monica1]

Have posted on your thread. So good to hear from you. And I will take up your advice re walk in. Things hve settled with resting and magnesium supplements seem to balance it all out. But for a week, particularly,last Saturday, lots of extra beats.
Have slept and rested a lot this weekend. Had a massage yesterday along with a luxury pedicure which was very nice. Things have settled with my son being here and there are some real benefits, with his girlfriend buying things for the kitchen. My son bought some scales in, minehad broken and all the weight I lost when my stomach issues were bad I have put back on. I need to lose it so that will be my next focus. I was shocked at how in our 20s to forties when I was around nine stone, it is now three stone heavier, about a stone and a half overweight for my height, lucky I am tall. I have not had bad gut attacks now for around five weeks so hope I am turning a corner. This is the longest I have gone all year.
Shortly I have to catch up on the work I was unable to do Friday afternoon, so will not be in group tonight.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Glad to read you are feeling better – magnesium really is a miracle supplement !
Having your son move in has been very positive for you – company is nice and even nicer when it’s family .
I struggle constantly with my weight – well to be honest it’s a bit like stopping gambling – I talk about it more than do it .
I am back to sensible eating tomorrow !

I hope you didn’t have to spend all today working .
Hope to meet u in a group during the week. Xx

[vera]

Just to let you know I’m thinking of you, Monica and hoping you had a stress free week at work .
The weekends come around quickly.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope all is good with you xx

[Monica1]

Mixed week. Started ok and mid week had headaches and nausea for two and a half days. Apparently another bug so I heard on Friday going round at work. Took a day off work. Thursday and Friday felt exhausted. Had the work Xmas do Friday evening where only a few people went not wanting to spend the 50 quid each for dinner. Left early at 9pm as very cold and awful tired.
Today I went to my acupuncturist and found it relaxing. He says heart is ok but my pulse is rapid on only minor exertion so we r working on the cigarettes for the New Year. He gave me some herbs for the tum and energy as this morning I just felt exhausted. Went to the posh shop. The lady in there is such a good saleswoman. Said she could dress me as I am on a mission to become classy and change the way I dress. Bought 4 items at a fair few bob. I walked out of there feeling energised and like a million dollars. Got home to all hell breaking loose. My son and my grandsons had had an awful row and said things that hurt each other. Gave my grandson a big hug and my son called their mum. They had waited three hours for my granddaughter who ended up turning back and going home. Tempers were very frayed. My peace did not get disturbed throughout. Their mum surprised me with her emotional maturity and all is now calm with the boys watching tv. My son felt like he was losing his children.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of going to my gp saying I wanted to commit suicide. A lot has changed in that year. I am grateful for recovery each and every day.

[lizbeth4]

It was good to see a update on how you are doing. Thank you for posting on my thread. Yeap, I had extra money. I took that money and gambled it and then took bill money to win back my losses. Didn’t work. Never does. But I feel a valuable lesson was learned this time. I’m glad that things were sorted with your Grandchildren and that you were able to remain calm during it all. That takes a lot of discipline. I’m going to take your lead and start doing things for myself. With that extra money. It’s been ages since I’ve had a mani and pedi. Things like that make you feel better about yourself. Take care and have a great day!

[Monica1]

My son has some emotional issues I can see that now as well as being depressed. I spoke to him Sunday night, words that he didn’t want to hear, that I would not have anger in my home and that he was overreacting to everything. I will not tolerate male anger in my home as for a lifetime I have put up with men who are angry, appeased them, tried to change them or when I was much younger tried to calm them down or bypassed it, a trait from childhood. I said simply no more. Not for years have voices been raised in my home. This morning he apologised and said he would see his gp for the depression. He has a good heart and got me a second hand bed base with drawers, which is quite swish and modern and a huge improvement on the grotty old wooden bed base that pete got me years ago, and looks like a relic from the 19 30s.
I watched the Louis Theroux documentary last night on Vegas. I was concerned it would trigger me before I watched it. And it didn’t, not at all. I felt sorry for those caught in the cycle and when Louis won and was on top at the end, I just thought to myself, not enough of a win, to get its hooks in. It was around 1500 dollars and to me it wasn’t enough or worth it.

[Monica1]

My sister is also depressed as had a text from her. I have given 40 quid towards booze, 30 quid deposit for food and now 30 quid for crackers. I have said enough is enough and she has to sort her life out. No more coming from me.

[vera]

Family members drain us even more than “outsiders” sometimes, Monica. Emotionally, financially and physically.
I have come to the point in my life when I am trying to stand back. (I had my share of angry men-my own son being the worst -I am very ashamed to say I often reacted angrily to him or indeed often instigated the aggression.)
As a child, I hid and as an adult I also hid from my son’s anger (in the casino)
This Christmas I will protect myself from chaos. I am making all the usual preparations. If my family come home I will be glad. If they decide to spend Christmas elsewhere I will be equally glad.
I have been reflecting a lot on previous Christmases .
The onus was always on me to “get it all together”. Yes, everyone helped but only under instruction from me. The onus was always on me to deliver /collect everyone which becomes exhausting and when things went tits up, I was told “you are a controller”.
I guess I am a controller but from now on I will concentrate on controlling myself and let everyone else do their own thing!
Can you suggest to your sister to get help with her alcohol problem?

[Monica1]

I already have with my sister. She said she had cut down to spritzers. I suspect that isn’t true. I will tackle it again at Xmas. Since August every fortnight the tearful anxiety ridden texts. She has to take responsibility now for her position. It is me that is facing bankruptcy not her. I told her to go to step change but I can see she wants to keep her credit cards going which is sucking up her money. But I have decided that enough is enough. I paid back every penny my family loaned me when I was destitute including a one off from my sister. Sometimes it is hard to know just what to do.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I feel you are strong and insightful to have such a firm discussion with your son and to assert your right to have a home free from anger . Your son is very good, and I hope his visit to the doctor helps him .
I dont quite know how I could go about sorting out issues in my own home.

Do you feel you are enabling your sister by providing money ? £30 seems a bit extreme for crackers – but perhaps I am out of touch .

I watched the documentary too and I couldn’t believe how those people were sucked in – which I found strange as I have been just a gullible for so long. Stopping has been a real struggle and yet today I am wondering why I found it so difficult.

Louis walked away – I couldn’t t while the casino was still open. !

Hope the rest of your week goes well.

[vera]

…just crossed my mind that it’s interesting that after a display of anger your son went out and bought a bed to replace the bed Pete had bought you, or am I reading too much into that?
My son’s anger towards me always comes back to a man who stayed in our house when my son was very young.
Perhaps I’m being too Freudian.

[Monica1]

My son is used to living in a very nice flat which was very high in rent until he moved to my exes where his brother still lives. He didn’t know pete had got me the bed base just that it’s pretty awful, and the one he got is not, it’s lovely. His friend was giving it away and he just took the opportunity. So, not no Freudian links there. My son is away now on work. He is so like me, needs the structure of work. He will be in Dublin tomorrow.
Oh and idi, two boxes best quality crackers is 30 quid.
Hanging on in there with everything, lagging behind on Xmas shopping, have hardly done any.

[i-did-it]

Monica
It is so long since I had anything but the cheapest – this year I might get good quality crackers too! It sounds like your Christmas is going to be lovely !
You appear to be really happy Monica – it is working out having your son live with you !-

Hope your son enjoys Dublin ! It is a great city !
Xx

[Monica1]

Again a very busy week and I seem to be posting once a week now but ha vent managed to do a group this week. Missed my departmental Xmas party cos I was on yet another deadline. Did manage to start Xmas shopping though.
Today I feel irritated as yet another request for today from my sister. I have now given her 150 quid towards Xmas. I strongly told her not to ask me again and to sort out her life. This is ruining our relationship and I am fed up with the whiney, I am in such a stAte texts. Like I have to accept my financial mess so does she. Aside from God I rely on no one else to sort it out and she needs to to same, I feel she is used to being poor me with everything and she needs to grow up. Since August every two weeks a request for money and for times now in two weeks for Xmas.
My mum rang yesterday and talked about her wishes after she dies. And she wants me, not my older sister to sort her affairs out. She told me the value of things in her flat that she doesn’t want my sister to get hold of and sell for nothing. I accepted what she was saying and just prayed that she lives for a few years more. I have thought about the trip to her home,and of Austria but I am not sure if she will be able to do. I will still try for the summer though. I didn’t feel depressed about it but had bad dreams last night about my sister and me having bodies buried from years ago, I wonder what the significance of that is…
My son has been working and said he respects my views about no angry men in the house, and things have settled. He is here rent free until end January till he gets back on his feet, but pays half for the electricity.
So I feel slightly exasperated this Sunday morning.

[vera]

I did a Study on Dreamwork many years ago, Monica. I think dreaming of dead bodies signifies a break in relationships or regret.
Your sister is playing on your generosity.. Just like my “friend” who borrows.
My guess is you are not her only benefactor. Can you get yourself nominated as the person with Power of Attorney for your mum? By doing that, she will be assured of her wishes being carried out when the time comes and beforehand. Hopefully, she will enjoy many good years of independence first.
It is no coincidence that I gambled on the day I was to meet my “friend”. She always whinges and begs for money. It stresses me . I feel guilty when I refuse. To be honest, I had no great desire to meet her. It was her request to meet me. The night before I had stipulated that I would not collect her at her house, as I always do, that she should take a ten minute drive to meet at a neutral venue. Ten mins for her, 50 mins for me. Just as I was leaving home-driving out the gate, her text came “It’s too cold for me to go out today”. In other words “come and collect me”…the rest is history.
Some relationships are NOT healthy so why do we maintain ?
What’s in it for me, I ask? I have answered partially.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I am sorry if my previous post came across a little offensive regarding your sister and the crackers – I didn’t mean to imply anything – it was intended more to ask if that was how you felt rather than an assumption on my part .

Anyway it is good to hear from you -it is a difficult situation with your sister. I don’t really have any idea as to how you can handle it except to continue with what you have been doing .

I have a “ poor me “ in my life ( long term work mate ) and it has shocked me recently that once she got a little bit of power how comfortable she was in asserting it even if I got trampled on in the process – (again I’m not comparing to your sister in any way ) – it was another life lesson for me!

It is a huge testament Monica to you as a daughter that your mum chose you to have this discussion with and to trust with such a huge matter. It must have been a very difficult conversation for you. Your mum views you as a very trustworthy person and who knows us better than our mothers? Although to be honest reading about it has made me feel a little sad -death is too final – I sometimes just want to forget it exists .

Your son also respects you highly Monica – he has taken on board your concerns and your advice.
It reminds me that some times we forget how much we actually have got right in our lives – gambling may have created a financial mess for us but you certainly have got the important things right .

Hope you feel a little better
Xx

[Monica1]

Really good to hear from both of you and for the wise advice. Lovely posts ty. It is odd, my sister works in law and has always been the most responsible one, always taking the lead on such things and sorted out all my dads affairs when he passed. It just seems that things have gone the other way. I think it is addiction that is doing this and also just the state of the U.K. I feel for all the huge increases in homeless as in the news today and just those with nothing at all for Xmas, the situation I was in last Xmas, albeit that one was self created. There are many vulnerable people in this situation through no fault of their own. My sister doesn’t have nothing though just large credit card bills that she has just renegotiated. And a large private rent. Sometimes it seems we could be one step away from everything from falling apart. This is where faith comes in and the knowing that all things shall pass.

[Monica1]

My daughter has texted for help over Xmas but at least said don’t worry if you can’t. This is just one small situation out of many perfect storms that drove me to gamble. Everyone comes to me in my family.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Monica, I am happy to read that you are weathering the small storms in your life. I know being there for your family is important to you and it sounds as though you are dealing with requests and making choices about what you will stand for and the help you will give. Part of recovery is setting boundaries as to what we will accept and what we won’t. Looks like you are doing exactly that. Save enough for a life for Monica too! You are generous and kind and truly deserving of the same treatment. What a difference a year has made. You are most certainly in a different place. I’m very happy to read it. take care Monica! xo

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope all is well with you .
Yours is a great then and now example of how stopping gambling can change our lives .
Hope to meet you in group soon
Xx

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, hope your week wasn’t too crazy hectic and busy. Drop a line when you have a chance. Just finished having a great chat with IDI. I’m going to try and be on the 2pm chat tomorrow, Sunday, if you happen to be able to catch it. I let IDI know as well. 3 days til Christmas, I can’t believe it. I hope you get some holiday time to relax. xo talk soon hopefully.
Laura

[Monica1]

Well, it was a hectic week and Thursday very stressful at work, mayhem and irritating. Had to stay late on Friday but now off and just finished all my Xmas shopping. Spent a bit too much but never mind. Accidentally spent 85 pounds on a pressie for my sons girlfriend. That will teach me for not looking Went to just one Xmas party on Wednesday and left early. It was in Leicester Square and passed four casinos in a row. Toxic slop as vera would say. Was only mildly triggered.
Well when I got home after my long day on Friday I spent 100 pounds on my favourite computer game that I hadn’t logged in to for about 278 days but clearly hadn’t blocked it properly. Not gambling I hasten to add. That I won’t do, but that was my blow out and I played for hours. It was kinda fun. It was mind numbing and I realised when I stopped work how tired I really was and how work was literally consuming all my time. I was exhausted and just slept most of last night from around 8pm. Missed my acupuncture appointment but rebooked it. My blowout is Not to be repeated. I realised the nature of addiction again, as this particular game is very fast paced and addictive. I don’t find any other computer game addictive except this particular one. It was a one off.
My sister asked me for more money today after I told her no more and I kept to that. She has become used to me topping up her wages and I made it clear that I am keeping to what I said last time, not happening.
I do need to tune in to support though as not had any spare time at all. Grandkids are down just overnight o. A flying visit and they are at a party now at one of my sons friends house. Wrapping pressies now and meeting up with Pete briefly later for a drink.
I still listened to scripture this morning as I find it life giving, soothing and makes me focused.
This Xmas so much better than last year, gambling free now for over 16 months now. Worth celebrating.

[vera]

Monica, I’m so pleased to hear and read the way things have turned out for you compared to last Christmas. Seeing is believing! It really is like a miracle the way your life has taken a turn for the better. Buying and wrapping presents is so exciting. That money wouldn’t last an hour in the slots. I feel sick when I think back on what I lost this year alone.
Go easy on that “addictive ” game.
Every time I find myself playing a certain phone game, wildly, I end up playing the slots.
There is definitely some link there.
I’m glad to hear Pete is staying in touch. We had a visit from a man today who brings us a turkey and ham every year…(long story but my son never knew he buys them-a bit like your son and Pete-bad feeling there) I cooked a roast beef dinner. I’m in very bad form and hubby is driving me nuts.
I envy you being able to sleep. I’m exhausted from sleep deprivation.
A HAPPY AND HOLY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS!

[velvet]

Lovely post Monica

It is such a joy for me to read your words and hear you doing so well.

Please watch that computer game. Gaming like gambling can draw the mind into a false sense of security.

I hope your Christmas is full of all the things that matter to you.

As Ever

Velvet

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
It has made me smile to read about your happy Christmas – you put in the work and you are reaping the rewards.

You are very definite that God is at the centre of your recovery and you never fail to give Him thanks for the miracles He has worked in your life .

Your Christmas sounds pretty perfect – time with kids , grandkids , your mum and Pete , and deservedly so .
Hope you have the most peaceful Christmas Monica xx.

[Monica1]

Lovely helpful posts. Am just about to set out for my sisters and I just wanted to come and thank everyone for their support and wish everyone a wonderful Christmas. I have missed coming in to support and groups but will do evening groups when I am back on the 27th. No trains like last year. Rail replacement bus service that takes hours, Had a lovely drink with pete last night. The pub let bailey in. Pete is broke as he has been ill with a chest cold and the old man he lives with may sell up as it looks like he may have a serious illness, I hope not. I know pete misses me and I miss him and bailey. Not a yearning missing but just acknowledging that I love him. He said I changed his life for the better which I know is true. He still managed to get a card and bottle of wine for my family. I gave him money for Xmas and a bottle of Remy Martin.
My daughter has offered me a room in her house as they need to increase their Income. Will discuss when I visit after New Year.
Anyhoo, I pray for all with a gambling addiction that we find the joy of recovery and a life in Christ whatever our higher power is as we see it.
Ps I tried blocking the Facebook game in my iPad but didn’t work. Anyone know how to block a Facebook game permanently?

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Hope you have a beautiful Christmas xx

[finding_laura]

I will see if I can find out Monica re the game. I have a friend who is good with things like that. I hope your Christmas was lovely and peaceful. Hopefully a few Christmas treasures have found their way to you. My Christmas was lovely. Enjoying a relaxing boxing day and getting ready to start leftovers for supper with my sons. Take it easy and will look for you the 27th. Congratulations on your 16 months. No easy task. It was a daily commitment and sometimes i’m sure more often that that. Well done. xo Laura

[Monica1]

Just wrote a long post and iPad switched itself off so lost the lot. Ahhhhhgggg…
Well Christmas Eve rail replacement service took twice as long, over 4 hours, but I enjoyed the journey sitting right at the front and watching a beautiful sunset on what was a glorious sunny blue skied winters day. Arrived at my sisters and sipped on cherry brandy in the evening. About the only alcoholic drink I love the taste of. I realised I had forgotten peters card and present for the family, Croft Sherry but no one would actually drink it. My mum is a Harvey’s Bristol cream only lady.
Christmas Day was very nice with a lovely m and s Turkey dinner. My niece visited with her son, my great nephew I think. Followed by raspberry and prosecco panacotta. Yum. A very nice day.
On Boxing Day at 3am I lit a cig and a large flame ignited my hair and singed my left eyebrow. A freak accident but no burns aside from quite a bit of hair and my eyebrow so no lasting damage done. My sister reused the turkey saving the beef we usually have for another time. My mum and myself had both given her the money for Xmas, possibly a total of 300 pounds so I think we were both a little peeved about that but said nothing. My sister had requested more from me again just the day before Xmas and I reiterated no. Both my mum and sister bought scratch cards daily, my mum buying my sisters. My brother in law was worse than usual this Xmas. With copd and ocd his behaviour was really bad particularly on Boxing Day, he called his grandson, the brat and I could see that his world had become very narrow and small. He was very rude to my sister and as soon as a plate was used, he had to pick it up continually. She has tried to leave him before and even though she had a property with the boughton estate, courtesy of my dads long service with them, had to go back as she could not survive on her money alone and relies on his pension. I think I decided there and then not to go back next Xmas and spend it with my own family. My mum kept echoing her appreciation that I was there. She has met my sons only once or twice and her grandchildren not at all. All very difficult.
I had recurring vivid bad dreams each night when I was at my sisters which I will discuss with Vera when next in group… the bad dreams did not return when I got home.

[Monica1]

Worked from home on 28th and had a very pleasant day watching poirot reruns in the evening which I love, and playing that game again spending money which I must stop. Realised my compulsiveness is still there. I also on 27th and 28th ate 16 m and s caramel tea cakes. They are so yummy. And guess what…
On 29th woke up to a familiar cramping in my guts which I really dread. And also a productive cough. Over indulgence triggered all of it. Not on alcohol, although we had champagne for breakfast which we always do at Xmas, but on food and cigs. I hadn’t had a big attack since end of October and here it was. It reminded me of the previous New Year’s Eve I had spent which was completely miserable, hours and hours of cramp, and I didn’t want to repeat that again. Not this time and not this year.
It settled in a couple of hours, unlike last year when it lasted days. Went for a massage, facial and then acupuncture which was so relaxing I almost fell asleep. And I played the game again. How do I block it?

[Monica1]

My sons loved their presents, Ben saying it was the best present he had received (smart watches). He has just got his present for me which is a vape. So appreciative of this, as this is the next addiction that has to be kicked. Second cough since October and I know what needs to be done.

[Monica1]

I could have added relapse as an r too but I don’t intend to do that, although this Xmas I have spent money on a computer game compulsively but not gambled and on January 14th I will be 17 months gambling free. How has this last year been?
How has 2018 been?
As Laura will tell everyone I had a prolonged rock bottom with everything getting worse I think so I really got the message. I saw 2018 in in agony, alone in my bed. I was destitute and Pete brought in cigs and food daily. I could not afford alternative medicine which could have helped my conditions. I had been 4 months gf on New Year’s Eve but things did not get better until well into the spring. That is what my gambling addiction did to me. Told my gp I was suicidal pre Xmas. Threatened with committal to prison proceedings in two debt areas, one for council tax and the other for ignoring a ****** court judgment. Bailiffs ringing daily. No Xmas pressies for anyone which was first time ever. Lost my faith which I also had lost when in action. Had my 60th birthday and my son took me out for a hairdo which I had t done for nearly a year and a posh dinner. Did the gma programme from January through to July. I was so sick on the first residential I could only take part in some of it. I missed the second as I was working in what turned out to be a great temporary job.
So what has recovery brought me?
Recovery has been progressive. Not everything has gone well. I managed to get the bailiffs to stop and both prison proceedings stopped. Based on perceived vulnerability at the time. I stopped my home from being repossessed. Little steps at a time,
The temporary job in May which I really enjoyed doing as was in a lovely location, brought in much needed money. When it ended in July I went to a spa in Malaga, which actually wasn’t a great break as was alone in a German speaking remote spa. But it was ok. Three weeks later I went straight into another job where I still am. Pay a lot less than I am used to but it has brought some much needed stability into my life although it is very challenging.
Pete moved out at my request and my son moved in. We are making adjustments to the change and it is ok.
I made some resolutions last year. One was to recover my health and eradicate the ibs and gut infection I have had brought on solely initially by gsmbling and perpetuated by the financial stresses and certain foods. Through a combination of herbs and acupuncture I am not completely disabled by it, which I was. And have only had once attack on 29th December owing to overindulgence, the last one being end of October.
I have regained my faith which has been my strength and resilience throughout this year. I donate monthly to tbn, the Christian channel as I recognise and value the help my higher power has brought in this year.
One resolution was that I would have five figures in my bank account by the end of the year. This looked impossible as in March I was still destitute existing on meagre sanctioned benefits. But pre Xmas I just made that. Seemingly impossible but I made it. Diminished a lot post Xmas and with the holiday I am about to book.
I still see pete and spent a very pleasant evening together on 23rd December although he cannot come to my home. So a lot of huge improvements but a lot still to be done.

[Monica1]

Of a friend from a long time ago who passed just before Xmas of emphysema. We were both pregnant together with her second and my first and we hung out all the time. she had her first child with my ex and when I was expecting my second she had a phantom pregnancy at the same time. They had an affair whilst I was pregnant. Lots of water under the bridge and the mistakes of youth. She had A lot of history with my ex and they kept in touch. My son tells me. I am sad at this news but also feel it is a warning. Both my son and I are coughing away and it is time to quit.

[lizbeth4]

Congrats on your gamble free time! I remember when things werr very bleak for you. I really worried if you would survive. You did and have made many positive changes. You’ve given me hope and I look forward to your posts. I wish you a Happy New Year. You deserve it!

[vera]

Sorry to hear about your friend, Monica. A big shock for all. Also a wake up call……. 2018 was your “Year of Change”. Without enormous effort on your part, none of those changes would have taken place. WELL DONE, Monica! Giving up the “smokes” will be a walk in the park compared to quitting gambling. One day at a time will work. I’m “choking” all night with a cough. Just thinking if I was still smoking the discomfort would be much worse. I am NOT a good patient!

[Monica1]

You are so spot on as usual.
Well spending New Year’s Eve on own as my son has a party to go to. Very different to last year on own though when I was thrashing round for hours in pain. I worked late today, the only one not to leave early and got a lot done. Didn’t get home till 8.
Just got off phone to pete. He is home alone and I am too. Wished each other happy new year. Neither of us up to going out but we will meet up on his 56th on the 7th January for a drink. Before he rang I thought to myself on this day of days I wonder how he feels and then he rang. Hey ho….
Well my New Years wishes, resolutions and dreams
To remain gf needless to say
I would like to experience the best and most perfect day ever in 2019. I have had about 4 or 5 what I would call brilliant days in my life and they were always dual edged eg my daughters wedding which is one of them, I had just been diagnosed with cancer and would have major surgery the week they were on honeymoon. So, the best most perfect day ever…
Health
To eradicate h pylori and ibs
To start Pilates and back to the gym, lose 21 lbs by end of year
To get the implants, I made an appointment today
To stop smoking, and switch to the vape my son got me by end of January
To be happy
Work
To be fulfilled, well paid in a developmental role
Family
To get everyone together for the first time
To plan my mums visit to Austria if she is well enough
Finances
To tackle the big debts and make the decision for April re bankruptcy
To end the year with double the bank balance of this year
Holidays
To book that Dominican Republic break. Idi and I were both inspired by Sarah last year and to me that became an iconic celebration of recovery. Where did Sarah go?
Volunteering
To do service for gamblers and the terminally ill. Yes, they are two separate things in case you were wondering
To strengthen my faith even more and have a strife free year enjoying a progressive recovery.
That’s about it.
A bit more focussed this year, I was all over the place last year. Not this one coming…

[lizbeth4]

Great post Monica! Happy New Years!

[jen3]

You should be very proud of where you have come from and where you are now. Happy New Year!! I hope theyeaes just keep getting better for you.

[kin]

Hi Monica,
Wishing you good health, peace, happiness and successful recovery in 2019

[vera]

It is good to have plans and dreams for a better future, Monica.
When the Present is good, we see the Future in a more hopeful light.
I hope all your dreams come true.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Happy New Year .
That is a really great plan for the new year.
And I know you will achieve everything on it .xx

Ps my phone is very hit or miss- it lets me write a few messages sometimes and Then blocks me out of the journals – can’t understand it but I can read on an Old iPad which won’t let me log in.

[Monica1]

Worked from home and had a phone call first thing and it was non stop from there in. Today I felt tired. On the call my voice was very hoarse from the chest infection which is slowly going. Everyone else is ill too, both at work and domestically, I am going to ban winter bugs.
Last night my friend with cancer called. She is now being treated in a good hospital and at some point soon will have low,dose chemo and radiation. we had a long conversation. I have a feeling things will go well for her. Her tumour has broken up a bit all by itself which she attributes to music therapy and cleaning out some old emotional junk. She said she likes talking to me and finds it helpful. guess, who was rather drained at the end of it. So the people pleasing that is being talked about today, yes hello…..
Today I felt overwhelm, too many things to do and not enough time to do them in even when approaching it all one step at a time. Gave my granddaughter the money for Xmas, we spent days in a hoo ha between my son and his ex and my granddaughter about whose account to transfer it into. Back and forth and back and forth.
I booked that Dominican Republic break, yes I did. End March 2 weeks. Celebrate recovery.
My son returned from work and said that I look after everyone but myself and he is concerned about me, I retorted that I was also concerned about him. I jokingly said how does he manage to get on my nerves. I was already overwhelmed when he went into all his really,good ideas for the home and I was even more overwhelmed. He has mapped out a project plan for my bedroom. He said that my room is airless, which it is and that is why I always feel worse at home, than when at work. The window was opened and even though it was freezing, it did bring some much needed air into the room. He wants to live in a modern environment and that isn’t here. I said that is all good and we will get on
with it. Put off paying his part of the rent to me for another month as his tax is due. I said ok but no longer than end February.
Was very irritated by council tax letters threatening court again. As usual they have got it wrong.
With my holiday, which is the most I have ever paid for a holiday, and Xmas I have really decimated my bank account but still have enough to keep going till payday. Have spent money on line in the sales as well but not too much.

[lizbeth4]

That is incredibly awesome that you booked a trip! Adventure time! Hope you feel better soon!

[i-did-it]

Lol- in true Monica style it didn’t take you long to start working on that New year action plan !
I can see why companies line up to employ you.
I hope you have a brilliant trip!

I think there is a lot To be said for clearing out emotional junk. It can completely bog us down. Also there is a lot of research coming from America and more recently Scotland which indicates very strongly that adverse childhood experiences (ACES) are a greater indicator of adult health and wellbeing than any lifestyle choices. I guess it would explain why some people seem to ignore all current healthy lifestyle advice and life to 100 while others are so careful and yet become ill much younger.

I wish your son was living with me – I want a minimalist home and someone who is motivated and willing to make it happen- seems like this lad has a lot of his mum in him!

Thats a pain about the tax and I am sure it causes you a lot of stress. ONe of my not gambling but similar to gambling fantasies is that the taxman discovers I have hugely overpaid and sends me a huge refund !
Not very likely to happen but a nice dream anyway.

Hope you have a lovely weekend !

[Monica1]

Nice post idi. Today I started to clear huge clutter and clothes in my bedroom. My son wanted to take a photo. Went shopping and treated my son to some food and cigs. I felt in a good mood having done just that little bit of clearing up.
My mum rang to wish pete a happy birthday and also to,touch base as I didn’t get back to her New Year’s Day and should have, which I have felt guilty about all week… we both have splurged massively over December and the new year. And we both agreed now to stop now and tighten our belts. This is my record of that decision so 8 will keep to it. Since I have been working I must have spent at least a couple of thousand on clothes which is part of my having no clothes as a kid. I really didn’t have anything at all as a child. However, no more splurges and back to belt tightening. At least I don’t do credit (no one would give me any anyway) but even if it was offered to me I wouldn’t take it. One thing the gambling addiction has taught me is cold hard cash all the way. I emailed celebrate recovery as I liked what I read about them (prompted by Jens post) I asked my mum not to tell my sister about the holiday and ten minutes later I get a text from my sister. Thanks mum. ..

[jen3]

Hey Monica! Sorry I could not say goodbye in chat yesterday. My darn phone went dead right as I was posting. Thanks for your post on my thread. It’s great to hear you are looking into CR.. it really is a great program. You would also have lot to offer with your story.. I have watched a lot of life’s change with CR. My problem is I never stay committed.. Not this time, this time when things get even better, I will work even harder.

[Monica1]

No worries Jen. Celebrate recovery not based in London unfortunately.
My son is out today seeing my granddaughter in Brighton. Last night he got a call back from a voiceover he did to actually read the scriptin an audition. He has done a lot of extra work in the past some of it in well known films. Had to laugh as it was from a Casino. To me they are toxic effluent or whatever vera called it. Today I still played the computer game a little but set out my intent and registered for a Pilates try out class and bought the alkaline diet book. I am going to make that effort. Over Xmas I have put on weight round the middle and I am determined to do what I can to shift it.
Well doing a bit of work then going out for a drink with Pete for his birthday. Saved my French jeans until today to wear and a blouse I got from the posh shop which actually covers my belly ha ha. I look really slim in the legs with a covered tum but I know I need to shift the weight. I won’t even get on the scales. Sent my sister 50 quid without even being asked for it as I know she is really struggling. And now I am keeping to a budget.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
posh clothes always look so much better and give us such a lift to wear (well I used to find that when I could actually fit into them).
That was kind of you to send money to your sister. I hope she is doing ok.
I have the worse flu – completely bedridden so like you I am going to start looking at healthy eating – I seem to go from flu to flu to flu In recent years. I guess my awful dietary habits and lack of exercise are starting to catch up with me .

Hope you enjoyed your drink with Pete.xx

[Monica1]

A while since I last posted.
The night out with Pete was fine, except the dog got into a tizz and smashed the 30 quid bottle of Jamaican rum I bought him. He said I looked like I had been to a spa,and said the new posh gear was very nice.
The week at work last week was full of stresses and strains. I am behind on many personal matters and there aren’t enough hours in the day. The debt issues are rearing their head again and I carried on playing my computer game and wasted quite a bit of money. What I realised was that it was my escape, it started before Xmas and ended yesterday. In the middle of playing it I deleted it. That was it. Wish there was a way to permanently block it but haven’t found it yet. What it did was block out what was going on, Xmas and new year I find to be quite stress inducing. All this jolly ness but a lot of crap still happens over Xmas. I didn’t find spending time with my mum and sister a particularly joyful experience. More my awful brother in law really.
Had a letter from my gp saying why hadn’t I been for many months now since last July when prescribed antidepressants and promptly dumped them. Discussed with my Chinese doc at the weekend. He gave me things for the cough which I have had since 27 December. Just one day later and it is starting to clear. He said that I am not depressed now and the cramping attacks which were terrible when I first went there are now about twice a month. He is right. Although expensive it is worth it.
Nearly 18 months gf on the 14th feb and I still haven’t tackled the big debts. The debt issues are starting to come in again and I find dealing with these as I have for many years now a wee bit soul destroying.

[Monica1]

On my way out of the Chinese docs, he turned round and said to me I looked very smart. I had to smile, at least a couple of people are noticing my efforts.
I bought books today which are always my refuge when I feel stressed. Better than mindlessly playing a computer game for hours on end.

[lizbeth4]

Wow! Almost 18 months GF! I need to keep reading your thread and how far you’ve come. I had another slip. Day one! You are a great example for all of us. I hope you can get the debt issues sorted.

[finding_laura]

Congratulations on your gamble free time Monica. I’m glad to read that you are feeling a bit better physically these days although stress can translate into physical ailments when not dealt with. One step at a time. What can you do to help protect yourself from the stress of the debts? Anything? Gambling was a coping mechanism, not a great one of course, but it was. Now your games are helping you phase out from the stress. Again maybe not a good coping mechanism. What are some healthy beneficial coping mechanisms? Replacing the old and the bad with the new and the good. One little step at a time has gotten you this far. You are a strong woman Monica. I think we deserve to take a break from being the strong one all the time. Take care of you. xo Laura

[Monica1]

Really good to hear from you. Where have u been and how r things?
I agree with you completely. The game stays deleted, it was too mind numbing lol and I didn’t like what it did to my consciousness so I stopped.
Spent half an hour on the phone trying to sort out court action and stop it on council tax debt. Managed to stop court but had to laugh. On the arrears I will be paying till I am 111 ie 50 years. Ha ha.
Rung by a very old 5k credit card debt today incurred 13 years ago. Told them it had passed statute of limitations which it had. They agreed and said they would t contact me again. Hmmm. These r all the tip of the iceberg really. Sorts out 10 per cent of total debt.
I will keep going until I am forced to file for bankruptcy.
But omg, the debt ridden society we live in. Ugh…
I hate dealing with these people. What a waste of life, and time. Been doing it for decades now and I hate it……

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
That is a great step in the right direction- one down…

It must be the day for it because I rang an old credit card company which I have been paying forever and increased my direct debit to pay it off in 4.5 years instead of 9. I would still be paying credit card debt I built up in my twenties and thirties when I am almost every sixty.

Did they really say you will be paying for 50 years – how mad is that ? I imagine you trundling to work at 111 and finally holding the receipt to show its all paid .

Ten percent is a huge chunk to sort in a day ! Well done – onwards and upwards .

[lizbeth4]

I’m glad that you called that credit card company out for being over the statue of limitations The credit card companies are the biggest rip off! I know we should be more responsible but they shell out so many offers to people and before you know it, you’re in trouble. I’ll be glad when mine are paid off.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, I wish I could say I’ve been doing well but honestly health issues have been doing me in since before Christmas. . I’m just getting over my second bout with the flu in ten days or it just flared up again. Hoping to see better days ahead. I feel like I’m always playing catch up with life. But I am not gambling. I’m glad to read how well you are doing. As long as you can keep any repayments manageable and it lets you live an enjoyable life, that seems like a good balance. Really glad to read about your upcoming trip. You work hard and deserve it. You have earned it as a reward for all your efforts. You’ve got a lot of courage Monica and have faced a lot in this past year and a half. You have always reminded me of the story of the phoenix rising from the ashes. You are taking care of yourself in so many ways and feeling all the better for it. I am trying too but have all my men to contend with yet. I spent an hour today just straightening back out my kitchen. I need to get a cleaner in again but we have all had the flu and don’t want to pass it on. Do you ever pop by chat? I am going to try and do the 10pm London time group tonight. Take care of yourself Monica! xo

[Monica1]

Really good to hear from you. Yes,we r in the flu season and sometimes it does seem like one continuous bug all winter.
I am ok, had a good productive day at work on Friday and pedicure and facial yesterday.
The only issue is my weekend chillout time. I undeleted that game and spent some money playing it. Need to delete it again. I seem to relate it to chilling out at weekend but have spent way too much on it since before Xmas. Won’t have to pay now as I worked way up to a lot of free tickets, so will play then, and then delete it.
Dental appointment on friday and as expected all the top teeth need to go and too high risk for implants. Can save the bottom teeth but I will reflect on this and get a second opinion at some point. Overseas in Hungary and Poland they have a tendency to take cases that aren’t taken on in the U.K. hey ho. Wasn’t too upset about it, was expecting it. And Pete lost his a few years ago, he said it really isn’t as bad as we think it is.

I have been making some plans for the year without putting too much investment on the plan. My son has just given me my vape Xmas present so need a plan to switch, thinking of taking my sister in a long weekend in Portugal, have found just the spot.

So keep on keeping on, nice to have ideas and plans. I read the alkaline detox book and realised just,how much sugar and crap I am eating. Going to try and change my diet radically, this is the year to make some great changes.

[Monica1]

An the only other news is that my niece was bitten by a spider and ended up in a and e with sepsis. This is on the increase in the U.K. odd one that. My sister was upset but I think it will be ok, doc said he had never seen anything like it.

[Monica1]

A day when not many things go right from the moment I get up.
I forget my purse and have to walk back 15 mins uphill to get it making me late. My hot water didn’t work and I had to bathe and wash hair in ice cold water. At 10 am doubled up with an ibs attack. Someone in my house of 5 flats signed for a parcel for me and I never got it 10 days ago. And so it went on.
Tuesday much better day.
My friend texted. Biopsy shows her tumour isn’t cancer. Well, that’s a turn up. She insisted on a second biopsy. Miracles do happen.
My son has a small part in a new batman series. He is a vin diesel lookalike. I am pleased for him.

[vera]

The thought of bathing in cold water would be enough to make me call in sick at work, Monica.
Walking back , uphill for your forgotten purse would be an excuse to call a taxi!
You are very resilient, Monica.
Reading your posts highlights my own laziness.
I have an easy life by comparison.
By the way, I’m interested in the reason you say you are not a suitable candidate for dental implants.

[Monica1]

Well, my mum left a message on my phone on Sunday to say to call as she had a letter for surgery on what was today. Two years ago she had surgery and died on the table and was in hospital for weeks so naturally she was a bit agitated and always calls me for medical advice. My phone was off at the time and on Monday morning I had a big ibs attack. I don’t get home till around 8 so by the time I get home too tired to do anything. It was on my mind most of the week. On Wednesday in the office I end up with a headache as my colleagues who I manage need too much support and help and are just yattering all the time when I have to get on with things.
An old colleague called me about a great job, very high pay but I said no as I was committed to where I was. Is this daft?
It was bugging me all week that I hadn’t called my mum as I knew it would be worrying her. Work is mega busy as busy time of year. Plus I had a letter from my Doctor asking me why I hadn’t gone to appointments and to go in to the surgery to have a blood test, which I though was odd.
A lot of things were wheying heavily on my mind
Work that needs doing in the house by two different firms, trying for dates since October believe it or not and the dates I gave them they didn’t pitch up.
What to do about the theft of a parcel for me in my house of five flats with one front door. Someone signed for it and took it.
All of the things I needed to do
And I went into overwhelm, loaded the computer game and spent 30 quid on it, for several hours. And I woke up a bit late to go to work. I was conflicted heavily and knew I couldn’t do all the meetings that day. I had to prioritise and my mum had been worrying me so much that I called her and had a long conversation.
Her surgery was cancelled but the surgeon is ringing her today to discuss why she is having surgery and a date for 4th February. I told my work that my mum takes priority and I will accompany her for the surgery. I could tell from her voice that she felt vulnerable, asking me if it would hurt. I told her to speak to the doctor.
I went to my docs surgery and left her a note as to why I was not going to appointments. Found out the appointment was for a coeliac test asked for by the dietitians which I had already had done. I am stopping the Chinese docs for a while as have had three attacks since the 29th.
I worked from home today as I am tired and feel,I have overcommitted myself to this job and now paying the price.
At lunchtime my son and I had a row because we misunderstood each other but we sorted it out. I bought him lunch. The money I gave him to look after last year for me he has spent, that is 1700 pounds. That is both my sons now who spent money I asked them to look after for me except my other son paid it all back pronto. Ben, my eldest at the time was hypercritical of Kai for spending the money this and now he has done the same. I was excited to
So past few days it is like all the typewriter keys have jammed when pressed at the same time. I think it is called stress.
I told my work that regardless of what’s going on if my mum has surgery on the 4th I will accompany her. It feels important to do that. I need to get my priorities right.
My son told me I am not reachable for a conversation when I play the game. Does anyone recognise those symptoms? What I know it is is tiring and affects ones energy and consciousness. So I think I have found a way to permanently delete it which I have done.
My son did his part in the new Netflix batman movie about the butler Alfred. He plays a bouncer in a nightclub having to get tough with someone. I am pleased for him.
Everything feels a bit too much

[lizbeth4]

You have a lot going on! It’s good that you will be with your Mother on surgery day. I’m wishing her all the best. It’s too bad that your colleagues aren’t helping with the workload. I’m sure it’s very overwhelming at times. Especially if there are deadlines to meet. Hopefully you can find time to relax. Maybe a nice bubble bath and movie, where you can just vegg and relax. Have a good day!

[Steev]

Good to meet you in chat today and sorry to hear that you have had a difficult week.
I hope things turn around soon for you.

[vera]

There are lots of points in you last post that interest me, Monica but the one that sticks out is your son not giving back the money he owes.
I have a big problem with lending/borrowing. I did start a thread with that title a while back. Any “wheeling and dealing” sets my mind into “gamble mode”. I always end up looking for a quick fix when I feel somebody I lent money to fails to pay up. Its a feeling of rejection and abuse.
I know you are very generous and have been kind to your family but a loan is totally different than a gift.
I hear you too, about the wanting to be with your mam for her surgery. Divided conflicts between family and work are a cause of stress. Would all that be triggering the IBS attacks, do you think?
Well done to your son for his film part. ‘Hope he enjoys it!

[Monica1]

I got booted out and then started watching casino royale. Wrote this message and then fell asleep. Actually it isn’t my son spending it, I should have known really. It was t a loan. I gave him that to look after when I had started working so I didn’t gamble it. But I kinda know what will happen. I can’t trust any of my children with money unfortunately. But he will give it back at some point, I know that. It may be a while.
I think the ibs has been triggered by all of it, diet at weekend cos nearly always on a Monday, my mum and work plus things falling behind at home. I go on the one thing at a time but was just overwhelmed with everything piling in at the same time. Also playing that game as a reiminder where I was. Maybe.
I think it is a combo of things vera, yes conflicted at work and home. Diet at the weekend, the amount of Monday attacks is high.
Had a massage today to de stress

[Monica1]

Messed up that post a bit.

[Monica1]

Spent it resting, called my mum. She is feeling a bit better and spoke to the consultant. She had got into a tiz cos it said day surgery but she is having it all done under a local anaesthetic. Three people including me and my sister offered to go with her and she has said no to all of them, she will do it herself. All that hoo ha over a misunderstanding.
Had a massage and went to see my Chinese guy on Saturday. He used a staple big needle in my colon and gave me some perspective on my overwhelm telling me about a university lecturer he will be seeing on the Sunday who had a devastating stroke and just stares into space having lost all of his faculties. He is helping restore his nervous system. That put some perspective on my problems. Worked a bit on Sunday resting up and getting ready for the week ahead. Listened to scripture all day to get inspired and healing of my spirit which needs some vigour.

[vera]

Sounds like an extreme measure, Monica.
I hope it works.
To be honest I would take exception to your Practitioner telling me about other patients. Perhaps that’s just me? Anonymity!
I feel uneasy in GA when a member asks “where are you from? Oh! Do you know so-and-so?”
I remember once, tending to a dying gentleman,as the family arrived. I looked across the bed , straight into the eyes of his daughter, who had been sitting beside me in the casino a couple of nights before, both losing heavily. The Professional and Gamblers code kicked in.
“See no evil, hear no evil” or sentiments to that effect.
I hope the treatment helps and that you will be symptom free this week.

[Monica1]

It remains confidential in my view as I have no idea who it is and see it more as anecdotal. Unfortunately I woke up feeling awful yesterday and was affected most of the day. In middle of meeting had to rush out. I have decided to get some specific tests as I always have felt I was misdiagnosed. Unfortunately they r not cheap. But I will feel better I guess knowing exactly what I am dealing with. My symptoms are those of pancreatic insufficiency.

[vera]

I get you, Monica.
Where I live somebody always knows somebody. A small country. It would be very easy to put two and two together.
Along with that, I like privacy unless I choose to share my details which I do with some people.
Awful, that you have to work when you are feeling unwell.
It was my greatest dread.

[Monica1]

Today was my first symptom free day for about 9 days. I feel as though I fell into a black hole and am just emerging. For some reason my mums stuff upset me emotionally a lot, Addictively playing a computer game as bad as gambling.
I am stopping the chinese doc. Helped for a while but not recently. I think he had an antenna that I wanted to do this hence making a fuss on Saturday. But the truth is I deliberately ate a very light diet over weekend and had a really bad attack on the Monday and Tuesday.
Today I went a different way home to break the monotonous journey and stopped off in Victoria for a bland meal in cafe rouge and spent 200 quid in monsoon.
I had decided not to buy anything new till at least end February and then broke that aim.
I am saving up for the tests in two weeks time as it will drill down to every gastro bug going and also measures h pylori load which our modern health system doesn’t do.
5.45 start tomorrow morning so no group tonight.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
Sorry to hear you have been feeling unwell.
I am sure worrying about your mum is impacting on your health.
I love to read about your shopping – I used to love Monsoon- before I got too fat to fit their clothes . What did you buy . My favourite dress ever was a Monsoon brown linen dress which had a slight Pocahontas thing going on.

I got a new dress and coat online . I love having new clothes hanging in my wardrobe. It makes me feel like the old me .

Hope work is going good for you Monica ? I have had another fall from grace with the gambling – it has become too much of a theme in my life .
I am avoiding groups for a while – I think groups have become my gambling replacement – and sometimes I find all that talking about gambling gives me urges.

Hope you have a nice day tomorrow xx

[Monica1]

Thanks idi. Last night I spoke to my neighbours who informed me they had signed for the parcel and left it outside my flat. They r very trustworthy but we r all hacked off at a very problem family who moved in a few years ago and the whole vibe changed in the house. They were mortified when I said someone inside the house nicked it. I am going to have to report it.
Today long day at work, didn’t leave till 7. Difficult journey in and going home with just a bit of snow. It is freezing today. Went out lunchtime with the team for a New Years lunch as I couldn’t make the one at Xmas as too busy. I found I only had a starter and a third of a main and my tummy swelled, 7 hours later and maybe half of it digested. Clearly I can only eat small amounts now. Tired but ok.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica , that is so incredibly dishonest . Could you knock their door and ask them if any of them noticed anything? I live on a street of very old people and never have any trouble- but that could all change.

Monica , have you been checked for “women’s” illnesses. I think feeling full quickly and bloating can indicate that here may be a problem in this area. Although I guess if its slow digestion – that’s somethings different . An Irish firm have invented a hand held breath tester which you link to an app on your phone and it will let you know exactly what is going on with your digestion during the day – I think this way you can monitor what you eat and remove any trigger foods.

Trivial thought it sounds – I am dying to know what you wore going out ? Did you wear some of your new clothes ?

Looking forward threading an update xx

[Monica1]

Kept missing u in group last night. Would have liked a chat. I haven’t been out idi! All new clothes I wear for work, I mainly buy tops from monsoon, their bottoms r always too small for my height. So three jumpers and a blouse this time round.i have a thing for blouses and a nice m and s necklace at the moment,. I only have worn the French jeans once and the blouse as they are kinda too good lol, when I went out with Pete for his birthday on 7 jan. have t seen him since then. Need to call him this weekend.
Just watched a film on tbn that distressed me, I sobbed. A young abused girl saved a homeless man and then she died in the end. I sobbed and sobbed. I am changing the ending. Not ok. At all.
I am going to slowly work through bits of me to see what’s going on… about to join the gym soon and as I get ectopics quite a lot on and off I will get a heart check first and then do the gut functional medicine bloke. All expensive and I will save my money for it. My main thing this year was to sort the teeth which will take time and sort the bod out. I think last week was so tressful with everything piling in st the same time that it didn’t help me. I have looked up reporting a crime as you can do it online, but I don’t know if I can do it, but think I have to.

[Monica1]

Have slept on and off all weekend. Have done nothing and I feel fine with that. Sunday’s r hangovers for my son, he seems to overdo it every Saturday. I was the same at his age. Need to find out what’s driving that.

[vera]

Sharp post on another member’s thread about why we need to gamble, Monica.
I would add avarice , impatience and immaturity to the reasons we STILL want to gamble despite knowing the outcome.
Read “Definition of a Mature Person ” in the GA literature.
It also throws some light on the topic.
I wish to God , I could sleep on and off.
My sleep is shot.
I’m in trouble….

[finding_laura]

owe you a post Monica but I’m going to be late for work if I keep reading. Keep your chin up. I note today is your mom’s scheduled surgery unless it was cancelled in your last couple posts. Work best understand, you have given up two posh jobs now. YOU come first. They should be doing more to help you/keep you etc. Anyway, got to run, but I will finish this tonight. Luv Laura xoxo

[Monica1]

And for thinking of me and my mum. Mums procedure cancelled. Call this morning to day she has shingles which I have had and it ain’t fun. Sleepy so bed for me.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,
I’m behind as always. My work has been very stressful. I don’t have much left. So very sorry to hear your mom’s plight. My father went through it twice in his life time. The last in his senior years. It seemed the last few years there was always something flaring or showing up. I didn’t like to see him lose some of his last chances at being vital.
If you file the claim with the police re the package is there insurance on it that will cover the loss? It seems life little hurdles can become such big obstacles sometimes. Times like those were times I liked to gamble to forget the stress for a while. But it was always so much worse with the added stress of financial loss later. I wish you had a little more work life balance. I’m glad you are looking at a couple of trips. Would love to catch you in group one of these days. Take care of yourself. Laura xo

[vera]

Glad you had an early night, Monica. I hope this post finds you refreshed and ready to face another day. As you can see by the time of posting, I’m having another nuit blanche. My pattern now is horrendous. God help your poor mother with shingles. Let’s hope it’s a mild dose and that she gets the proper treatment fast. By the way, did your niece recover from that spider bite? Meant to ask you.

You are nearing your 18 month date, Monica. How life has changed for you in that time. Thank God.

[Monica1]

Well, this week. Work as busy as ever.
My nieces spider bite. Last time I heard there was a big hole on her foot so it will scar. My sister was very stressed by it all and another call today to say her car exhaust has gone owing to a pothole in the road and needs money to fix. She lives in a rural area and needs the car to get to work. She was incredibly stressed i could tell so I sent her 150 quid. No quibbles, no nothing, just sent it. she has nothing left of her salary after usual living costs paid. She will sue the council for the damage to her car.
My mum, well she was waiting to go into the procedure on Monday when the consultant cancels it saying the rather angry rash she has is shingles. I call her on Tuesday.
Is the rash down one side only I ask, no she says, does it resemble chicken pox, no she says, does it hurt no she says, so I say you don’t have shingles, it sounds like a contact dermatitis and 24 hours later she realises it is indeed that and down to a new bath cleaner. How can you trust a consultant to make a fundamental mistake like that when even I can diagnose what she has. I think my mum didn’t want it done as she kind of admits to being very apprehensive about it.
Well today, worked from home and I get a call and I know who it is and I answer. It is the inland revenue about to have a right go. It is the pre instigating bankruptcy proceedings call and this is the big one around my debt. I am 18 months gf next week and here we are still not having dealt with the very big debts because of how long recovery has taken and the extent of the destruction. I guess I am in a better space to start addressing this but I would be lying if I said it didn’t weight heavily on my mind. I tell my story and he changes his tune a wee bit. I ask for the vulnerable section to deal,with all of this and he gives me their details and address. I said that I would write in a week. This is the big debt folks, the one I have been dreading and the one that tips me into bankruptcy. But I will face it and ask for God and Jesus my higher power to help me through it. What he did say was that it is in neither interest to head for bankruptcy and that he could see I was back at work earning now. Determined they won’t take everything, but hope I can avoid bankruptcy.

[Steev]

I think debts are the reality side of our compulsive gambling.  I know when I first stopped the debts seem to keep increasing, what with interest payments etc.

I know if I had my time again I would get really good advice about my financial situation.  I just plodded on and paid out to keep my head above water, when I think I could have worked on reducing my interest payments and paying back quicker.  Ah well, they will all get paid next week when I sell my house. 

I hope things are not too stressful for you – you seem to have a lot going on.  Take good care of yourself – stay strong.

[Monica1]

I took advice many times, the last a year ago and it has always been to file for bankruptcy.

[Monica1]

My sons company r late paying him and asked for 100 quid. Here we go again. This keep happening on the same day as I try and deal with my big debts. Trouble is with my middle son I never get it back. I said today to him it is a matter of respect. This time pay it back.
Any idea why I get this so much on the same day ?

[i-did-it]

Monica
It sounds like you are dealing with a reasonable man. It
Really is not in anyone’s interest for you to file for bankruptcy – God has performed many miracles in your life – just sit back and trust – I know there will be a much better outcome than you expected. I believe God puts the right people in our path. In truth you have already contributed greatly to tax and gambling is taxed heavily .

I’m not sure whether you are mostly annoyed or relieved about your mum’s operation – I know it was worrying you but also that it would improve her quality of life. It does seem strange that the doctor got that wrong – so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise .

Life’s not too bad with me – I am ‘dabbling’ again which I find so stupid but somehow manage to get myself out of messes !
I think God saves me a lot of the time – maybe in his eyes my life isn’t all about whether I have gambled or not – maybe He focuses more on the good ?

It would be lovely to catch you in group – it’s been so long.
Hope u have a really lovely weekend xx

[vera]

Here we go again, Monica. I think “soft touches” stand out a mile. I often lent my older son a small amount of money and visa versa and we agree to repay each other within a few days. If the money is not in my account on the day, I text him to remind him. You youngest son, on the other hand owes me money. I gave him 2 k into his hand on one occasion when he was moving house (flat) and needed a deposit of 2k. I stressed to him that it was a loan and I expected regular repayments as I am in debt. First he made outlandish promises and then turned like an alsatian on me and told me to stick the money where the monkey stuck the bad nut that he wouldn’t be made feel like a beggar and was about to walk away. I pulled him back and said “it’s not about the money, only. Its about integrity and respect ” He calmed down. Took the money graciously. Made regular payments for a few months and I never saw the rest of it. I told him it is his debt, not mine… That was six years ago.. Roll on to 2016 when he needed money urgently AGAIN….this time to pay dodgy money lenders who wanted their money now OR ELSE. My point Monica, is , do we REALLY help others by lending money? Are we giving them easy options (like I was given to gamble- which enabled me to lose so much)and preventing them from sorting out what causes them to need so many loans? In my case I have said NO to the person who borrows from me. She turned on the water works but I just turned away. I know she doesn’t need the money for what she says. I won’t judge her but I won’t lend her money ever again. Lending caused me to gamble on more than one occasion. There is a difference between generosity and allowing yourself to be used.

[Monica1]

My daughter just rang and is visiting next week. We will go to dinner and talk about renting a room in her house. Everyone has money worries.
It is so hard vera. I know my sister and I know what she earns. To me it is peanuts and she works full time. She is 64 soon and been in the same job for 40 years. What can I do? It is just the times. My eldest son confirmed that he too hadn’t been paid either and the company ha e been making excuses but they have been promised pay on Monday. They both work for the same company. My eldest has lived rent free here now for three months and I ha e to tackle that one soon too. But with being paid back from my middle son, if he doesn’t do it it simply won’t happen again.

[lizbeth4]

How are you? I understand helping family members. I’ve done it on numerous occasions. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with the debt and the thought of bankruptcy. I will be praying for you. You’ve been through so much and really created a positive life for yourself. You will get through this also. You are a very strong lady!!!

[Monica1]

Quite an enjoyable day today. Spent morning on here reading and commenting on threads. Texted Pete who was about to text me. This happens with me and him a lot. Have t seen him for a month. He is a bit low on jobs so I said please come and do some cleaning which he said he will do. Got on an overcrowded bus which took twice as long to get me to my beauty shop. Glad to get off.
Then went for a massage which has me completely zonked at the end. And I walk into the gym acrsoss the road and join. Cheaper for over 60s but I won’t be going to the over 60s classes. Oh No, not me… my goal is to get into a bikini for my hols. Haven’t done that for 15 years when I was a teeny size 10.
Went for acupuncture and said that I am giving it a break for a while. And then did shopping for the week in m and s. Happy
Days.

[Monica1]

On the gym wall a local Jesus centred recovery group just down the road from me. Not affiliated to anything aside from the church. Will go and check it out.

[kin]

[Monica1]

Get a text from my sister ask g for more money cos the car cost more than expected and I feel really angry. I really don’t like the feeling, not comfortable feeling this way. I text her to say I am sick of it and she should have some self respect. I feel that she should grow up at 63. She is demonstrating manipulative behaviour and was never like this. Even when I was destitute I never asked anyone for money. It was offered and I paid every penny back. I feel a mix of guilt and anger and I just don’t know what to do with these feelings. Go for a walk I think.
I switch my phone off as I just don’t want to talk to her.

[vera]

It’s not just about the money, Monica, There is something much deeper going on here. Sibling rivalry (jealousy) that was never dealt with. Your sister has no respect for your feelings. I have a sister who stole money from me over the years. The feelings it brought up in me are as you describe. Guilt and anger. I always blamed myself. My friend who borrows from me is an arch manipulator. She got thousands over the years to go home to see her sick mom/dad/son/cousin or to dealt with some drama or tragedy. You name it  she had it– a list of causes and flowing tears to strengthen her plea. I couldn’t refuse because I would feel guilty. Last week, I was presented with a new “sad case”. Shown photos to back up the cause. I had refused two previous loans this year already for her “urgent needs”. I just said “That’s very sad. Life is tough on most people”. I felt HARD when I said it but I don’t feel any guilt or anger.

Sometimes Monica , we have to say “Not my problem”. You work so hard and have so many stresses to deal withit is unfair that you have this added strain. I feel your sister does not show much consideration by always presenting her problems and expecting you to help. Why you?

Does she ever ask how you are faring out or if she can help you? I’m sounding very cynical here. I am not a mean person. Money is not my god but we have to ask ourselves why do we allow ourselves to be manipulated. Do you know why? I have discovered some of the reasons why I do it so I have stopped lending.

Enjoy your walk.

[Monica1]

You are always there with a good word when I seem to need it. Thank you. This has upset me as well as losing my gym membership details … And I texted her and asked that we hve some space and that I am not responsible for her, yes, she does ask me how I am. But has never asked if she can help me. They don’t even care about the addiction I had reallyor even begin to understand it. I have known for many years that she is jealous of me, the education I strived over decades to get and what I earn now. It showed at my graduation when she felt a deep regret at not having achieved that in her life. It was why I asked my mum not to tell her about my holiday. But there is nothing to be jealous of.
I know my guts will flare if I am not careful so the only thing I can do is ask her to leave me alone. And I mean it, and that just upsets me even more. It would have been simpler just to give it to her really.
I will go for that walk shortly. I don’t know and I will have to pray about it Vera because I think we should share what we have with loved ones. I didn’t object to giving her money for the car but in less than 24 hours it wasn’t enough. And that is what I object to, What would make someone do that?

[Monica1]

Her daughter, Amy, with the spider bite, who unfortunately has inherited her fathers meanness, I tell her to ask her as she is doing well at work and has just bought a new flash car. I don’t even drive. She would probably say no at the first ask. But she must stop coming to me. My mum I know would be really concerned about this which is why I think she asked me to take care of things when she leaves the planet. I gotta let it go but I know I have had enough of this.

[vera]

You could give her your heart on a plate and she would come back for your soul, Monica. I used to think I had a duty to give to others. I bought lavish presents and splashed out money when I was gambling and in deep debt (still am in debt) and persuaded myself that this was charity. I was borrowing from High interest companies to fund all this opulence. In the end it made me really ill. Is this what God wants us to do? I spoke to a lovely French priest about these issues His English was limited but he had good understanding of Life. He said “That is not true Charity. Charity puts God first. That is Humanism”. There is an old saying, Monica. “Give a man a fish. Feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish; feed him for a lifetime”. This is affecting you negatively. Is it good for your sister (and others) to be enabled? The fact she would ask for more so fast shows that he disrespects you. I’m sorry if I am misjudging her. It’s good to get things off your chest.

[Monica1]

I will have to contemplate what the French priest said, he is right about putting God first. But I d t know what God has to say in this situation or what I need to learn from it. I got a text from my middle son yesterday to say he would put it in my bank on Monday, and I think he will. It was the respect conversation I spoke to hi, about this time. It is hard to know what to do with anger. I really don’t know what to do with it as I don’t often feel it. God would say do t let your emotions rule you. I did t lash out in anger though but I did say how I felt and that I wanted her to leave me alone for a while. We have never got to this situation before, she has never so consistently asked me since she moved house in August, that is every couple of weeks for six months. She plays the victim in all of this and that annoys me even more.

[vera]

It is much easier to hand out than to say no. Justified anger is not a sin (provided we control it) Didn’t Jesus, Himself upturn the Money Lender’s tables in the temple? Let that be your guide, Monica. It is not about feelings . Far to much emphasis on feelings these days. We need to use our God given reason and judgement. Give your sister helpful suggestions instead of money. That’s what I did with my friend. I told her if she wants me for anything within reason EXCEPT MONEY I will be there. The silence was deafening. I rest my case!

[Monica1]

Yes, that is what I will say to her as I love her. That doesn’t change. I think that is the right thing to do Vera, say I am there for her in all things but money. And I expect the si.ence will be deafening to.

[vera]

Your son will think all the more of you too, Monica. A lesson in Discipline and Respect never goes astray. Just text her back and say you never intended to cut her off or being mean to her but it feels difficult to refuse when you already have huge debt hanging over your own head. Suggest that she should trade in her car for a newer model or get rid of it completely and use public transport LIKE YOU DO!!! No need to be catty with her. Explain your side of the story. Then let her make the decisions. You can only walk with people, Monica. Not carry them. I learned that many years ago. The Good Book tells us to “carry one another’s burdens”….it never said we had to carry the people who don’t give a s***e about dragging us down with the weight of their burdens. The ball is in your court, Monica. Kindness and respect is all you owe your sister NOT MONEY!!!

[Monica1]

Thank you, she lives in a rural area where there is hardly any public transport and it is a long way to her work, remember she was evicted from her last home because the landlord evicted 20 tenants and put their houses up for sale,. Hers still is. So she didn’t get a choice as to where she lived. It was the only place on offer and it is very small. She has gotten rid of nearly all her possessions of any worth, So she relies entirely on her car. And it was a pothole that caused the exhaust to fall off the car for which she is suing the council, She is trying many things, like me has no pension as she cashed it in over the last five years just to survive. She is trying the PPI route. She has always been good at embroidery and I encouraged her to make stuff and sell it but she isn’t really confident enough to do that. It is the most she can do, like me, to do a 5 day work week. She obsessively checks her bank account for every penny going out and can’t afford luxuries. One big bill and this was over 200 quid and that tips everything over the edge, many people in the U.K. living like this now. But Venezuela it isn’t and we have to be thankful for the things in our life.
One day at a time.

[vera]

Wouldn’t you just love to have enough funds to pick up the tab for everyone, Monica? We need to think beyond our need to be the rescuer. Rescuers are often very emotionally needy people! Perhaps if your sister has her claim against the council settled and when she gets the proceeds from her house sale things will be different. Perhaps not! Her daughter seems to have done well.

[Monica1]

She didn’t own her house. She lost it when she went bankrupt because her husband spent thousands on internet porn! That’s when the estate gave her a tithe cottage which is the one that was up for sale. She owns nothing, just like me lol. My daughter the only house owner in the family and that’s because her husbands mum bought it outright. Sigh…

[vera]

We reap what we sow, Monica. If my husband hadn’t held things together financially, I could be behind bars now , due to gambling.

If , on the other hand I hadn’t been emotionally /psychologically unfulfilled , I may never have gambled. Who knows! All in the past now.

No turning back.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still amazed at your progress from the terrible addiction! You did it!!!! Your strength is very admirable to me.
I know you love your Sister but at some point you need to put yourself first. Like me, you are on your own. I don’t ask anyone for financial help either.
About 4 years ago, I stopped giving to my oldest Daughter. Her hand was always out. One day I just became upset, angry, and told myself no more. I felt disrespected and used. She now relies on her boyfriend. She wortks but doesn’t contribute much. Sadly, she moved on to someone else. I lost a lot of respect for her. She wasn’t raised like that. She has done thoughtful things for me but never asks how I am. Makes me sad.
Have a good walk.

[Monica1]

I did go out for a walk and now have some work to do. Liz, thanks. It is difficult to make decisions sometimes but I was angry and I knew it was enough.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I really don’t have any wisdom to offer .
I have two sisters and we are close – I would find it really hard to deny either of them anything – having said that they have never asked (well my little sister needed help to get out of a situation in her early twenties ). I got a loan and she paid it off .
I would never ask them either – so maybe it is a respect thing.

No I would never ask them because the only reason I would need to borrow would he due to gambling – and I probably would only borrow from another person who gambles at this stage because they know the risks. . Having said that I have lent money to friends several times.

I agree with Vera – if u can’t afford a car – u can’t expect someone else to pay for it . I know that if my car gives up in the next while I willbe using public transport – that’s just where I am at in life .

I feel there is something else going on with your sister – a little like there was something else going on with us . Usually u get a quote and that’s it – why would the price go up? Perhaps someone else is spending her money? If she works can she be that stuck for £150- surely she can access a loan or overdraft ?

Well done on doing the right thing for you !

[Monica1]

I can see it is difficult to get advice on this really because no one knows the situation or my sister so it is just conjecture. She is an ex bankrupt from many years ago because of her husband secret habit of spending thousands on porn. She lost her home because of this when it all blew up. Believe it or not some people work full time in the shires ie rural areas. and only earn maybe 22k pre tax. It doesnt go anywhere when the private rent takes up over half of it. So no, she can’t get a loan and she can’t meet her bills. As I have said previously that is the situation. I raised this with her husband at Xmas but he can’t handle anything. Don’t tell me i don’t want to know was what he said.
The price would go up because she probably forgot vat or something.
She can’t stand her husband and he truly is in quite a bad way physically and mentally but she can’t afford to go it alone either as she tried. No easy solutions here at all.

What I did get from yesterday is she must stop asking me and approach her daughter.

[lizbeth4]

Your Sister is in a precarious situation! I understand you helping her but maybe it’s her Daughter’s turn. Her Husband can’t work? I remember being in a terrible marriage (1st). I had a 5 year old and a 2 month old. My Husband didn’t want to work I threw him out and divorced him. I struggled and barely made it financially but I was much happier not supporting him. Your Sister must be feeling bad as her Husband helped put her in this situation and he doesn’t seem to care. I’m sure it bothers her to ask for money. No one doesn’t want to achieve!
Just my 2 cents worth!!!! You must take care of yourself first!!!

[Monica1]

Yes, it is precarious and there r no easy solutions or else we would have thought of them. Her husband has half a nose due to cancer and doesn’t wear his prosthesis. Has frightened people when out but doesn’t bother me a bit. He is 72. He has emphysema and can’t walk 50 yards. He has semi lost his marbles and lives in a very small world. Need I say more. He can’t work and is on minimal pension as he didn’t pay enough stamps when self employed.
As I said no easy solutions.
Feeling fed up today, getting court letters when I have bloody paid it. Grrrrrrrr…

[kin]

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Luke 22:32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

Hi Sister Monica,

I have read your challenges, frustration, pain and hope these scriptures above can comfort you during these difficult times. I first heard Pastor TB Joshua said this on youtube ” Focus on God, and not the situation in life.”

Your sharing over the years have help encourage many of us in our difficult days. You gave us no rights to give up fighting!

[Monica1]

I have not had a good week. I have felt tired and many things have not gone right. I have felt tired and tried to summon up energy and not had much spare. This week

My pc kept crashing every minute since Monday
I have felt harassed and stressed
I didn’t sleep and was late in
I still feel guilty about my sister
Council tax threaten court and bailiffs again but I paid it on time
I wonder why I have overcommitted to this job. I did 11 years ago in my last perm job, worked really hard and ended up with burn out
On the positive
I was honest with my bosses, they said to take a couple of days off and to take my one day a week working from home even if there r meetings. I have had 5 days off inc 2 at Xmas over 7 months. Not enough!
My boss offered me an Office for 10 days so I do t get constantly disturbed.
My son after the respect conversation paid me back today
Too bad I am too knackered to appreciate it all!

[vera]

Is it 18 months yesterday, Monica?
Sorry to hear you are “knackered”.
I can relate.
I remember years ago when I first qualified , I thought I had to do EVERYTHING.
A very senior charge nurse called me aside and said one word
“DELEGATE”!

[lizbeth4]

Sorry that your week has been so stressful! Hopefully you can decompress and get some rest. I know that you feel guilty about your Sister but you have to think about yourself. Yov have helped her a lot. Have a good weekend!

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf4zJoKwpzs

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzoVAdT4BmM

[Monica1]

Yes, it was 18 months Vera on Valentine’s Day and I am nitmhugely,further forward when it comes to the debts. The court letter I got upset me when I paid it. Your instalment plan is cancelled when I,paid it and not even late. I should have written the,letter to the inland revenue this week but no time to do that. My life revolves around work but It is never ending and there will always be too much there to,do, hence wanting to withdraw now. I will look elsewhere after my holiday. I
always delegate, that isn’t the issue. trouble is the staff are very inexperienced and need a lot of support. I was asking myself why I have got so sucked in to overwork which happened in my last permanent job. Where I work has huge problems.
As an interim I usually,do the job and find it easy to move on. But i have got so,sucked in to this job.

[Monica1]

In sherries words, which I think is great, I blobbed my gym induction today. I couldn’t find my gym kit and it took me ages to find it. Has it been that long? Yes it had, maybe about 13 years. But there is always another day. My hairdresser gave me an evening appointment and did a really good job with a cut and colour. Got a taxi there and back. I feel flat and I dont feel happy. I have no balance in my life. It is all work and that is not good. I think getting the court letters when I had paid my monthly instalment for council tax got me down a bit but that isn’t it.

[vera]

Balance is the name of the game, Monica. I’m an all or nothing person too. When I was working, I almost fell out the door after a 12 hour shift and drove home 40mins. I remember one night, my son almost lifted me out of the car……crazy! and if we popped our clogs tomorrow, what would happen? A line would be drawn through our name ———–just like that. We really are only numbers in the workplace, Monica. My friend took her retirement two weeks ago. She is 60. No man. No children. Bought a house for cash. Doesn’t know what credit is. Takes 5 or six holidays a year. Goes to the Gym –she is size 10 by the way…the opposite to me. I feel like a blob when I meet her.
Would you think of getting your B12s checked , Monica?
Work can be exhausting and if you are running on empty you need to step back and see the bigger picture.
What IS Life about , afterall?
THE GOLDEN MEAN!
Faith
Family
Work

[finding_laura]

Hey friend, checking in on you. The last time you posted of passing up on a good job with better pay my instincts were screaming that you should be taking these jobs. What have the heads of this company done for you to be so deserving of this loyalty? Did they not put themselves in this position? You need to look after you. Which means taking a job that is not as taxing on your health and that offers more money and time for long weekends and weeks for holiday trips. You’ve put in your hard knocks in this life. You’ve been dedicated and devoted. But if we don’t receive some of that same love and care we wither from the inside out. So shine it on yourself. Keep setting those boundaries where you can. The talk of respect with your son. We can all continue to learn and change where there is a will. Amazingly well done on your 18 months gamble free. No one could have called your journey an easy one. But you have made it this far, look back down the mountainside you have climbed. Take in the vista. There is so much more yet to come. xo Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I’m sorry to read you are feeling burnt out – I often feel that my work takes too much of me too so I get that feeling of “burn out”.
The fact fact they have given you an office means that they do appreciate you. Vera is right – no one really remembers or cares about our efforts we have left, and someone take s our places – but I guess that work is fulfilling some need on some level as you chose to stay – perhaps a need for security which was absent during the gambling years ?

I hope you feel lots better and I guess we need to remember to put ourselves first – whether that is in the work we chose or other parts of our lives .

Xx

[Monica1]

My old friends and what a delight to hear from you laura. Well Sunday evening I try and summon up the energy to go for a drink with Pete and bailey. We have a good effect on each other. Both our hearts lift when we see each other, it makes a difference. I have three glasses of wine and feel a bit sick as I am. I longer a drinker. Bailey does t break anything this time and Pete walks me home. I ask Pete why he still wears my ring on his finger and wasn’t it about time he takes it off. No he says. I must say it looks right on his finger, third finger, right hand.
I wake up thinking I would have a hangover but I didn’t and go to work with my usual Monday morning ibs attack which settles on peppermint oil after two hours.really strange that. And I try and ok Friday off but my bosses are off and I have to cover. I know at this point that I have have pretty much had as much as I want to take here and plan to look elsewhere after my holiday end March. I will take next Monday off though, not the Friday I wanted to.
Well today, very busy and get a text to say my granddaughter missing since yesterday lunch and police called. I text her to say tell your mum you are ok, and she does. My ex daughter in law now wants a family conference as to what to do. Y granddaughter is going down the same road I did and my sons did, a few teenage years of bunking off, boys etc. I don’t know what to do t9 help as I know my granddaughter doesn’t want to move back to London from Brighton. My son is in Glasgow working and I am glad really cos he gets angry with my granddaughter. I don’t as I recognise me in her and I got back on the rails again as did my sons, only go off the rails with gambling in my mid fifties. Ah well, it will work itself out.

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you,wondered where u were. Support has been short on here lately or support that is well intentioned but not reading situations right, so great to have the old crew posting on my thread.

[i-did-it]

Monica
It is good to hear from some of the old crew ! Support has been scarce – I wish the open groups were earlier – and I’m not sure it’s even worth posting on my journal anymore!
But it is lovely to reconnect xx

[sherrie]

I’m gonna try posting on the threads more. I haven’t done it very much cos I feel like a fraud cos I’m so messed up myself but I want you to know that I hear you and I am thinking of you. xxx

[Monica1]

We were/are all messed up lol. But welcome to the human race. We r all just making it one day at a time. I read your threads every day particularly around things you have blobbed. A great new expression for me! Makes me smile.

[sherrie]

All of them. I’m glad I make you smile! 😀 x

[Monica1]

Had meetings in central London today and after went for high tea in fortnam and masons with a colleague. 65 quid for a small Welsh rarebit and English tea and scones. A pleasant enough experience 3ce experience but not over keen to repeat it. My feet hurt all day and when I got home pete came round to help my feet by spa,I g the. And pumping off the rough skin that was causing me some pain. He also and did some cleaning. Munched on cheeseburgers he bought round.
And blow me, pete walks down the stairs and passed my son coming up them. Bloody typical. My son was in Glasgow yesterday, came in and went straight out to go to Manchester. I think because my son feels the way he does about pete their oaths just seem to cross every now and again. And even though I know why my son feels the way he does, I don’t want to keep skulking round secretly in my own home.

[Monica1]

Oops again.

[vera]

You and Pete are close buddies, Monica.
In Irish it’s called Anam Cara (Soul mate)
I had an Anam Cara once…….Nice sometimes to have human company. Most of the time, I prefer my own company.
Going to see Mowtown The Musical tomorrow night. Have you seen it?

[Monica1]

I posted a reply the other night and then she was down for maintenance. That was irritating. Lovely word anam cara. And yes I suppose we are. Yes I have seen Motown the musical. Now that u have seen it I guess I can say although I have always been a huge fan of Motown, four tops in particular, the musical was disappointing. I was right at the front and a lot of it was lip syncing.
I have eaten out a lot this week, probably four or five times and enjoyed it but way too much cake. Didn’t use the office I had been given for a week but nice to know it was there.
Am trying to buy one or two things a week for my holiday.
My son said nothing about pete so I am leaving it there.
On Friday went to a big meeting with the cfo and he said he had heard lots of good things about me and did I want the job permanently. That is really a difficult decision to make. One, because it would see me through to retirement, but it is one challenging job and two because I don’t pay off all my debts if I do, well miracles can happen but not on that salary which even much better than most still isn’t enough for me. . I read sherries journal about how the money things sort themselves out. But for me it is so big that I still don’t know if it will ever sort itself out and it will be large sums monthly till I retire. And then file for bankruptcy. The longer I can put it off the better. And over 18 mo this on the big debts still not sortedout into payments.
Saturday went for a facial and manicure. I could get quite used to spending every other Saturday on pAmpering. Fell asleep at 10 and awake at 4. Ate the last of the cake. No cake this week.

[Monica1]

On a positive note, my sister texts to say her poi payment will be through soon so that will help her with her overdraft. I say to sort herself out first and then pay back.
On another front, the gym membership details I lost when overloaded with shopping, stopped off at the gym yesterday and someone has used them to change my password. It’s february and second crime this year against me. Nothing for decades and 2 in two months.

[Monica1]

After saying to idi sleep less when older I slept all day. Missed gym, still haven’t been after two weeks now. If at first as idi says, try again.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Thank you for your lovely posts on my thread.
I feel much better now – think the shock to my system of not gambling has passed.

Was someone going to go to the gym and pretend to be you? Or perhaps they were trying to get your other details from your membership ? Completely crazy whatever the reason.

Funny you should say about two crimes against you because in recent months I have experienced so many dramatic events it’s seems like he universe is conspiring against me!

I am glad your sister has addressed Paying you back- for you I feel this is more of a respect issue than a financial one !

Perhaps your son is starting to appreciate that like most things in life, your relationship with Pete isn’t black and white – and that there are aspects which are very beneficial to you regardless of any mistakes which have been made .

The gym will still be there tomorrow and your work sounds hard so you probably earned all that sleep.

I guess you need to weigh up the pros and cons of taking a permanent job Monica – it is a difficult one but I’m thinking take a highly paid job and save in an offshore account – should be easier to do once Brexit has gone through? Then you will have money to fall bakc on during retirement.

Fabulous work in your recovery ! Well done .
I really needed support over the past few days and really appreciate it . XX

[Monica1]

Today I had the day off to deal with home stuff and debt. I knew it would be frustrating and indeed it was. I am sick of letters saying, I have refused entry, and we may evict u if you do t let us in, when they send texts saying we are coming today, ty for making an appointment when I have made no such thing. this time for central heating engineers when I don’t use central heating and in fact it has all been switched off at source for at least 7 years. The chap says every time pointless coming cos it’s all switched off.
I spend 40 mins on hold for Scottish power on a disputed standing charge when they never connected me, never sent a gas card and the meter is locked. I get cross and I despair on all public services in the U.K. this country is broken. They ha e now referred it for escalation but this complaint was filed in September and they still haven’t sorted it out.
I wait for council tax RE court and am on phone for over an hour and it ends up with my debt consoldated, that’s 7k. It was 10k so I guess some reduction is better than nothing. Court is averted. Until I fill an i and e it is now 50 pounds per month. Dealing with these things sometimes over decades I feel like I will explode in frustration and anger. I am about to write the overdue letter to the inland revenue. I am blowing a big raspberry to the lot of them.

[Steev]

 Wow Monica – it sounds like you have so much on your plate right now.  I hope you are able to get some support with all this.  Good to hear that some of your debt has been consolidated – that is better than nothing. I know that it is hard dealing with financial institutions who go by the rules and find it hard to relate to human stories.  I hope letting out some of your frustration here is helpful.

[vera]

Very stressful time for you, Monica. You have great coping skills.
Yea, Id say the Musical was lip synced but I loved it. Healthier escape than gambling.
Grossly overpriced but a tenth of the cost of a day in the slots!

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Those letters sound so stressful – what a worry.
Well done on tackling them – you achieved a lot on your day off.
Do you remember the days when customer service was important- now it seems we deal with disinterested people who can hardly be bothered to go through the motions ( I have had this experience recently with Gamstop).
A simple call takes half a morning .

You have come so far Monica – a year ago could you have possibly conceived getting any of these debts sorted ?
Onwards and upwards xx

[Monica1]

Having Monday off and sleeping some of the day helped me energetically this week.
Still haven’t written the inland revenue letter and I hve the joy of 2 letters this week to open from them.
The week has been ok.
Funniest moment of the week, a pigeon walked into my carriage on the tube, walked up and down looking and people and got off at Wembley Park, just walked off with all the other folks. I found this incredibly funny.
Did a quiz night with my team last night and we finished last. Not as much fun as last time I did that. I switched my phone off and then missed a text from my son to say locked out in the our g rain so he had to wait a couple of hours for me to get home. When I had opened the door, I had just finished a rice pudding and I have a strange milk intolerance I have had since a kid. I opened the door and suddenly out of the blue projectile threw up everywhere. That was a bit surreal for my son and me, but hey ho. Found out my colleague in his mid thirties is on his 4th marriage. That was a surprise.
We laughed this afternoon as we are all in my office considering going on a diet and my colleague called me rapunzel in her tower going on a diet to look for a suitor on my holiday. That also made me laugh a lot. It is good to laugh. Not done that in too long.
Pete coming over Sunday to help me clean my room as my son has taken my wayward granddaughter to meet her brothers in Scotland.
This week has been ok, no ibs attacks so yippee.

[Monica1]

I got up early for me on a Saturday to a text from my sister. Her ppi claim is yielding about six months salary for her. I am delighted, I mean really delighted, I am certain that my prayers for her and her own have been answered and we just might dare to think about taking my mum back to Austria later in the year. It depends on my mums hip x rays and her eyes. My mum has falls and her doc thinks it is her hip.
I go to the chiropodist and have all the hard skin cut off my feet. The chiropodist is about 70 and we talk about the importance of work In our lives at any age for a sense of purpose. He says my feet problems which have got somewhat painful now are because I have a high arch and this will always be a problem in that the balls of my feet take all the pressure. He says I shouldn’t wear flat shoes. Just as well I don’t lol. He says that I should take care of this every couple of months. I do my shopping and am home by half one. Lethal, I go into the posh shop, I can never come out of there without buying anything which is why I avoid it. Their clothes are expensive and beautiful. I can’t be bothered to try them on so am doing so at home in a minimo.
One thing I have learned on the road to recovery is
Surrender and have a relationship with your higher power. In my case it is Jesus as the master healer, Consciously head for it and praise the Lord every day. This is the most important.
Secondly, as soon as we are able, and for me it is weekends, do something to help your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. Every weekend I have a massage or facial or like today chiropodist. We hve to love ourselves, we deserve love and are worthy of it despite the gambling aftermath and the years of debt it brings for some, others are more lucky.

[Monica1]

I am sure Vera who I missed on chat last night even though logged in would be able to interpret my dream. I was on the last day of my holiday, it had been good and I had a nice tan. But I realised I hadn’t been for a swim at all, then woke up to the text from my sister.

[finding_laura]

Good to catch up even just a little. I am sitting here with color in my hair. I wish I could go to a hair shop and have i done well. But I have a hard time sitting in the chairs for hours. I’m trying something new. Thinking of phasing out the coloring slowly. I think if you even think of taking the job permanently that you negotiate a higher salary, enough help, and some needed time off. Trust that good things will happen. Have a good rest of the weekend. xo Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
That is such good news about your sister.
I hope everyone on here takes note and checks out their PPI before it ends in the Summer.

I think Your dream is about regrets – despite all the good things happening in your life perhaps you can’t let go of those niggling regrets over something you could have done but didn’t? If this is the case I think you should remember that God will not let anything that is for you go past you.. And now I am wondering if I am talking to you or myself.

What did you buy in the posh shop? Were you pleased when you tried it in on?

Your post today is inspirational.
I think sometimes we forget that we have to surrender to God and let Him do his powerful work .

Hope to catch you in chat soon xx

[vera]

Delighted to hear your sister is getting a “windfall”, Monica. Saw you in the Group last night but the screen didn’t show any print. MADDENING!!! I think the dream about not getting the swim while on holiday cold relate to your job offer. Water in a dream, as everyone knows, is indicative of emotional situations.Not getting into the water could suggest avoidance of emotions. By the way, was it the sea or a pool? Can you swim? My dreams about water alternate between a calm blue sea in a sunny haven or wild turbulent rough waves. I could be way off the mark but your recent posts spoke new job offers. Perhaps you are subconsciously refusing to face up to what this job offer entails? Or could it be that you want to leave emotion out of your decision? Might see you later in chat.

I’m have a BAD day today.

[Monica1]

I am also having a bad day today. Woke up to someone ringing my doorbell incessantly, someone I didn’t know probably from problem family. Wanted to borrow a Samsung charger. Said no and did t open the door.
Pete has just left about half an hour ago. We fell out, he did a good job cleaning but managed to unseat my tv which clattered to the floor but wasn’t broken. But it went down with a mighty bang And I wear a small two tooth denture which he threw out. I had a bit of a panic and he left saying have a nice holiday. He was annoyed with me when he had done it. That is one of his traits every now and again. MY mood dropped and I felt sad. When I went to the shop a boy asked me to walk him through the park. He said he was autistic and very anxious. He talked ten to the dozen but I walked him down. And then in the shop a man got cross with me when I dropped some money from the cash point. Didn’t help me pick it up I was just in his way in a tight space. Hmmmmph.
Oh it was both Vera, sea and swimming pool. I used to have recurring dreams of tidal waves but not for years now.

[vera]

You had a strange day , Monica.
Will Pete be back, do you think?
Mine turned ok different than planned….snow prevented me from driving to the casino.
Among other things.
Hubby made a quiche and an apple tart and we are watching a film on Netflix for the past few hours.
I dread the night time.

[Monica1]

Saying sorry he lost my tooth. He did find it again, had to go through the bins and I don’t have a spare. I start to cry a little, if any of us hurt each other emotionally we both feel it such is the connection. I can’t work it out.

[Monica1]

Well, I let go of the pete shenanigans and he did apologise for his behaviour within an hour of leaving. Old pattern of his, going into a sullen, moody aloof stance and blamesyou when it is themselves who have made a mistake or done something wrong. His stuff.
Busy busy week, 9 hours days. What I do notice is that I lose track of time at work sometimes and that is always a sign that we are in the zone and doing what we should be doing.
Shock of the week. The Michael Jackson leaving neverland, difficult subject and you could feel And sense the trauma in these men. I completely knew they were telling the truth.
Well it was my daughters birthday yesterday and on Wednesday night I mislaid my phone and didn’t ring her till the evening when I found my phone. She was in floods of tears for a while, she misses her family and I know feels lonely and isolated. I was concerned as she was telling me she keeps looking st the tranquillisers she has been prescribed for anxiety. Her brother fell out with her years ago and won’t speak to her, it bothers her hugely but my middle son won’t let it go, despite my efforts. I am going to see her Sunday.
Today my boss called me to her office and has given me a week to decide whether I want the perm role. I might just do it.

[vera]

I won’t comment on Pete’s behaviour, Monica. I will just bit my tongue…
The ball is in your court in the work sphere.
Name your price!

[Monica1]

Thank you for posting vera. Not many stop by these days.
Public sector graded pay. Name your price, I wish lol! It would provide a level of security I suppose.
1 year 7 months clean next week. Can you believe that? How time rushes by.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
That’s a hard decision to make but I guess the positives are
-permanent job will give you security,
-the opportunity for promotion
-maybe if you want to work well past retirement age you may get the chance to go part-time depending on how you feel.
-You may even find you could work for the same organisation in a new area(at the seaside maybe ?)
-If you wish to leave it just takes a resignation letter.
-if you decide to take it, and your current salary is high you could pay a lot into a pension fund
– you love holidays, nice food and clothes
-independence
– the ability to help our your children now and again
– routine keeps us healthy mentally
– success at work is good for our self-esteem
– work means we have to look after our appearance and take an interest in ourselves
– keeps our brains alert

The negatives
– feeling tied down
– all that travel
– the tiredness that comes with work
– the stress that comes with work
-the strain on our bodies as we get older

I am sure you could add lots to what I have written but I hope it helps.
I feel a bit of security would do you no harm after the trauma of gambling addiction and the dire consequences you experienced.

Monica look how far you have come – a year ago we would never have imagined you having a choice like this .
Just goes to show – we can all turn our lives around .
Xx

[Steev]

One of the things I’ve realized since being gambling free is how much gambling reduced my choices in life. When actively gambling, if there was a choice between earning money or not then I always went for the cash. If I had to choose stuff, or food or travel, I would always go for the cheapest option. Choices were simple – spend less, try and save – and this extended into my period of not gambling but still deeply in debt.

Now that I am debt free I have choices and my big choice was, “what kind of life do I want to lead – what does my new life look like?”. I’m not sure where on your journey you have reached, but it says a lot about your recovery that you can make a choice. The thing about choices is that we can never live the alternative path – so choose and then make the best of that choice. I know you will do well.

[Monica1]

Thanks both. Idi, of course u hit the nail on the head in the pros, being tied down. I like my freedom, and I don’t like to be caught in situations I don’t have an element of control over. But, despite the difficulties there, I do getlostinmy workand as I mentioned in an earlier post, that is a good sign when we do that. I am going to do it I think.
Today, I went and had a facial, massage and pedicure. The lovely young girl who does my facials says my skin feels very soft. I say so it should with all the efforts! It was enjoyable. I then took something back to the posh shop that didn’t fit and bought my holiday wardrobe. She asked me to try a jacket I would never think of wearing, so I did, and was amazed, it looked fabulous. Honestly, I was t the same person any more, some classy bird, in a rock chick jacket, 164 quid it was but it looked amazing. I said to her that this is the year to make great changes and I meant it. Phoenix from the ashes with our good Lords grace. It feels good to take care of ourselves. And steev is right, being skint and destitute as I was through gambling gives us no choices, none at all.
I have been reading about the ketogenic diet and that is the next thing.

[Monica1]

Today I had a plan, something planned for a while, and it all goes wrong. My granddaughter, kaiya is in a theatre production in Folkestone. She is a budding actress and goes to the Pauline Quirke academy. I bought a ticket a while ago. I wake up to huge winds blowing outside and the familiar cramp. Oh no an ibs attack. I look up trains and they are all on divert, three hours and two changes. I know I won’t be able to do it and I am hugely disappointed. I had taken Monday off specifically but had to be back by 11.30 monday for finally workmen coming to fix doorbell and intercom system, something I have been without sincelast October. I know I am not going to be able to make it.
I have no idea why I have had an attack today. They r really awful, feels like a vampire is attached and the pain very debilitating. I take peppermint oil which relieves it for a bit. After eating a cracker with a bit of cottage cheese it starts again and I take a bus open. During these times I wonder if I am overdoing it, and self doubt creeps in. It makes one feel strange and weak.
The only relief I can get is that it has been 40 days since the last prolonged bout and I can relate that to playing the computer game. This was all induced by gambling and 5ne financial stresses afterwards. So it is like if I ever gamble or play pc games obsessively I know what will happen. So I don’t. This one is out of the blue and when it happens I reconsider whether I am on the right path. Maybe spent too much yesterday but showing for nice things for me is a great pleasure.
My daughter is not disappointed, she can’t go either as she has the flu. I think we should have a sessional topic on dealing with disappointment, when we really want to do something but through circumstances we cant. Maybe I am on the right path and this is just a setback.

[Monica1]

Because of delayed pay I lend my sons 200 each and they both pay it back as soon as they r paid, the conversation I had worked and I feel proud of myself and them in some weird way.
I realised the dream that vera interpreted was Indeed linked to the job offer and to emotions, I like my bosses and have worked very hard at this organisation. It is something about not wanting to feel those emotions and connectedness with people, somehow thinking, like a doctor, that I am more effective when detached. There is an element of truth to this. I don’t like swimming round in emotions, and am not a strong swimmer in life. Look how i put myself through the wringer when I was dealing with anger I felt. I don’t know what to do with it like it is a foreign body I just want to get rid of.
I have read back on a lot of my old posts today, good days and not so good days.

[vera]

I agree, Monica. Having plans shattered,no matter what the causes is and no matter how important or unimportant the plans are, will always make me feel upset. In the past I learned to handle this type of upset by gambling.
Last Sunday I had a let down similar to yours. All I could think of was going to the casino instead with a bag of money and head full of negative thoughts.(Incidentally, for ill health reasons, today has been another let down.)
It is a form of self pity coupled with self destruction.
For me, it’s also to do with CONTROL. If I feel I can’t control my life , especially if my plans are dashed by an attack of illness it makes me feel bitter.
The thought “What about the guys who stay out all night drinking/drugging/fornicating and yet have their health when all I was trying to do is something normal/even good” fills my mind.!!!
I HATE being prevented from keeping appointments.
I’m very sorry to hear you missed your granddaughter’s performance but hopefully, it will be the first on many.
Will somebody record that show? I’m sure they will.
Now to the job and the IBS…
IBS is related to stress as you know , along with diet etc etc.
I suffered with it for years. It is the most debilitating condition and like gambling, very few people understand it.
Thank God (and touch wood) I have been clear for a long time but even as I type this the ominous grumblings are setting in.
Dairy food, especially ice cream, cream and soft cheese , yeast, sausages and too many mixtures of rich food would set me off. That’s the dietary aspect . Fear, worry and anxiety about upcoming events can be emotional factors too.
This job offer and your dream are most likely linked to the IBS too, Monica. When I read that you have a week to make the decision I felt myself drawing in a deep breath. I don’t handle decisions like that too well. I prefer to act on the spot and get on with things which might seem impulsive but if often works for me. The anticipation of all that can go wrong causes anxiety for me.
When I went back to work at age 52, after a 19 year career break, I jumped at the offer of a Permanent and Pensionable post because I was up to my eyeballs in debt and this was my chance to clear it. The opposite happened . I borrowed on the strength of my “big” salary and ruined myself financially and wrecked my health working 12 hour shifts with a two hour commute .
Just think carefully about your real reasons for taking on this extra pressure, Monica. In reality, you do not need to decide in only one week. Leave your options open. If they are prepared to extend your position in a temporary capacity and if that doesn’t cause you too much uncertainty, leave things as they are pro tem.
Make sure you are not going ahead to please your boss or over sell yourself.
A permanent job comes with all the pros that have been listed but if it is to bring pressure (which it inevitably will) then it is not worth it. Money comes and goes. It is not our god. We will never regain all we lost gambling so best to start with a clean slate and make the best of life by living within our means. If you curtail your spending and save some every week, it will give you some security if security is what you are looking for. None of us are getting younger, Monica so maybe looking for a less stressful life could be the best option.
I have a pecking order in my life now.
Faith
Family
Work
The second two are transient and change with circumstance and time and are out of my control. Of late, they have become far less important than the first.
Avoiding the water (in the dream) is symbolic of avoiding
emotional ties. Like you, I got tied up with some people at work emotionally and indeed financially.
The prospect of the new job offer seems to come with a lot of emotional issues. I would be wary of that.
If I were to re trace my steps, I would have kept business and pleasure separate. I don’t want to sound sexist but working with male colleagues made work easier. When it comes to friends, the females won out …well, on 2nd thoughts perhaps what is just a return to my investment in those friendships. ….Today is a rough one for me, too.
Life can be complex.
Keep it simple

[Monica1]

The week has flown by. I start the Keto diet on Monday, tues and weds. Incredible the foods in m ans s all have sugars in, even those you think sugar should have no place in. I eat Greek salad for lunch and cheese omelettes for tea. I wake up Thursday feeling sick from the fat. Weight loss meant to be rapid but not an oz. so i stop. Not the way for me, sooner or later the fat willtrigger ibs.
Hectic week in what is the busiest time of year at work. Quite a few frustrations. I ca t even RE her the week it was that busy. On Thursday I tell my boss I will accept the job. Something in me really wonders whether this is the right thing but I think it is. Intuitively I get the feeling that unemployment and poor pay will rise. I read an article on small businesses going bust because of this pathetic governments massive hike in business rates. This is actually robbery from the government now. Plus the pension for just a few years with the 14 per cent work contribjtion will repair some of the damage from when I cashed In A small pension and blew it gambling. I know what the job comes with and although they would prefer I start soon, I say that I will see my co ntract out. I can always change my mind. It will be much less take home than I am used to but hey. Better than benefits.
On Friday we were meant to get glammed up for a work staff prize do, 9000 employees in Wembley stadium, bobby Moore room. I don’t have time to get glammed up and just change my top. All my good things are packed away in readiness for my hols. I am almost too tired too enjoy it but the team I am part of win unsung heroes of the year. Nice meal and I sort of enjoy it. I leave at 9.30 and for the second time this week go the wrong way on the tube. Is this an omen? I get home at half 11 and conk straight out to sleep. I dream early this morning which I hope vera interprets. I am on the operating table, someone who is a friend I do not know says she had a funny feeling about this op, it is a gynaecologist one although in life nothing wrong there. I admit I have a funny feeling too. I wait for ages for the anaesthetic and then when it goes in I don’t go to sleep. Then I wake up. Vera?.
The on.y other thing this week is I apply on line for the esta pass to fly to the US on route to DR. It takes about 7 attempts. I fly to New York en route, which isn’t really en route and the flights are 8 hours and then 5 hours going back in time. I ask my boss for an extra day as flight doesn’t get back till a day later as move forward in time with a 4 hour stopover again in New York.
I text Pete to say play about Martin Luther king which I know he will be interested in at the small local,pub theatre and he says would like to go. It is our local pub but they have built a small theatre. That’s all for this week. I am sure many other things, do group last night here, nice to meet new members.

[Monica1]

Stay in bed all day Saturday except for a brief walk to the local shop in the evening and do a group. I read through all my posts which takes a few hours to see how far I have come. Quite a journey which always seems to be tempered with the debt issues. I open a letter on Sunday morning which is a court summons for council tax when I have paid what they asked and they said it wouldn’t be issued. I almost blow a gasket. These people never listen and just dish out letters willy nilly. Also they have put the total debt back up to 10k when it was 7k before. I know I have had enough of this nonsense.
Pete calls then for a chat and his sisters husband has cancer. He says he can’t call as doesn’t want to hear the situation. His mum, dad and one of his sisters passed of cancer on Boxing Day, so I understand it is tough for him.we agree to meet up for the Martin Luther king play. I go shopping for swimwear and on the bus my friend with the large tumour which is cancer or not cancer, but treatment still the same ie chemo. And radio whichshe won’t do rings me when I am on a bus on the way. The tumour is breaking up on homeopathic treatment and she has lost a lot of blood. I am concerned but she is seeing a surgeon tomorrow. I hope all goes well, she may need a transfusion but won’t do that. This puts 3verything in perspective for me really. I buy some swimming buts, two in a size up and swear blind on my return it is back to slimming world where I lost a good bit of weight years ago. My son intrudes in my shopping, with a call, locked out again so I finish shopping quickly and go home.
I sleep early at 8pm after a nice bath, hence awaking early this morning.
The debt issues r getting me down but I must plough on.

[Monica1]

The week was hectic as usual but went ok. Yesterday I went for my usual fortnightly facial and massage and did a bit of final shopping for my holiday next weekend. Got my u.s esta thing through for entry into the country. Feels like I am going on an adventure. My sister paid me back 600 of what she owes me today. I am very pleased for her that things have panned out and say she must buy a new wardrobe, something she has not been able to do in years but something I have spent quite a lot of time on this year. I will write the revenue letter before I go, have struggled with the time to write this.
Today I just knew that pete would forget about the play and he did. I barely made the 4pm start as I had to rush to an I tenet cafe to print out the tickets. But I ended up leaving my phone there so I could t phone him to remindhim as had got to the theatre when I realised I had left my phone in the cafe.mental note, fix my bloody printer at home, wou,d have saved a lot,of bother. I went to the first half, and it was powerful stuff, tiny tiny theatre of 40 seats. Left at the inter Val and sold his ticket. Went back to the Internet cafe and found my phone thank goodness. Pete was miffed he had missed the play but all’s well that ends well. We will meet up on Friday. Feeling ok and pleased that I made the effort to see the play. Seize the day.

[Steev]

I did think, “wow, Monica did well to sell a ticket for a play that is halfway through.” But then I realized people could use it on another day.

I also thought that you were away by now. Whenever you go enjoy the trip!!

[Monica1]

It was the last showing that I went to. No bother in selling the ticket, queue of people to get in.

[Monica1]

Even though in 2 weeks I will be 20 months gf I know I need to keep up with support. Can never be complacent. Ever. Only vera, steev and idi post these days. Where’s vera?

[lizbeth4]

Even though I don’t post, I’ve been reading your thread and other’s here on GT. The little one is napping. 20 months GF is a big accomplishment. Way to go! I hope to be saying that one of these days. It’s easy to become complacent. We all need support and encouragement. You are still one of the people here that I look up to! Have a good day.

[Emma8]

I’m new to gambling therapy and have just come across your thread. It is wonderful to hear from someone who has now reached 18 months of being gf. I’m only on day 10 myself!

I hope you’re finding a way to manage your debt which is helping your health too. It does worry me, having so much to pay off, but we can only tackle it one day at a time can’t we?

Thank you for sharing your story, it’s really encouraging!

[Monica1]

This week has been a pivotal and busiest week of the year in my job but staying late all objectives achieved. I had such a long list of to dos before I go away tomorrow. Last night I went for a quick drink with Pete, we were both tired after the week but it was nice to see him and bailey. bailey saw me 100 yards away I had to laugh as he pulled hard the lead with pete all the way down the hill. It was nice to see pete. Someone in the pub said that he could tell we were a couple who loved the dog, like many he thinks me and Pete are an item but we are not. Nice daydream for a while.
Today I was supposed to have an early start at the but was too tired. The girls even though they were booked up fit me in for bikini wax and all other bits where one wants hair removed. I then went to the posh shop and bought a couple of bits. I hve greatly enjoyed shopping for classy clothes this year, enjoyed it more than wearing them! But most are actually saved for the hols, the. Dashed to m and s for a bit of food shopping, ordered my mums Mother’s Day flowers which’s fortunately won’t be delivered till Monday and the. Her birthday flowers for the 4th April, it was so all go. I went to the Internet cafe and wrote the letter to the inland revenue which is something I have put off for so long and couldn’t face. Sent it recorded delivery. Today it was odd because for the first time in many years I felt strangely attracted to the chap who runs the Internet cafe. I haven’t felt that in so many years, you know the odd feeling you get when you kinda like someone and go a bit self conscious. Weird. He is a bit like Pete, that might be why, The girls in the beauty shop who I have become great pals with say it is because I am looking after myself.
I know that when I come back i will be entering a different phase, it will be gym for the tummy and teeth and debt repayments which will take a big chunk of my income for quite a few years. I have my summer lovely wardrobe and the extravagance will stop. I think I have been this extravagant because I know what is to come with debt. Only took me 20 months gf to get to this stage, with still a long way to go. I am keeping to my priority debts, the others I haven’t even touched yet. My sister texted and her husband has got most of the ppi as it was in his name but he has given her a couple of grand which I know will help her a lot. Off tomorrow and still much to do.

[Steev]

What comes through from your post is that you are happy with life right now. That’s great and I hope it continues for a long, long time. Enjoy your hols!

[lizbeth4]

Your vacation starts Today? Have a well deserved time! You’ve come such a long way!

[vera]

If you’re reading, Monica, I hope you’re having a ball.
I owe you a few posts. ‘Will catch up when you return.
Relax and enjoy your well deserved holiday.

[finding_laura]

I too hope you are having a great time on your well deserved vacation. Sounds like you have been tackling everything you need to. That takes guts and perseverance. And learning to take care of yourself at the same time is the important bit.

I think of you often! I’ve been busy with work, personal paperwork and of course the never ending medical appointments. I have three in the next week. But other than that I am doing fine.

Stay strong Monica. you are doing fantastic!
Laura xo

[Monica1]

Be great to catch up with you all. I thought of you guys often when away. I am back and I am sorry to say it wasn’t a great holiday! That is two holidays now in recovery that haven’t been great! The thing about holidays is that we have a lot of vested interest in them and for me a lot of preparation for this one. Idi and I had both been inspired by the dr and Sarah’s posts but there was a reason the dr is popular with many Canadians and that is it’s accessibility. No brits there cos very inaccessible. Subject now of a complaint by the three of us including me that went, not 8 singles as the website said. And you couldn’t have put three more people together who just did t gel. The holiday company are never sending again anyone the route we went. It was so arduous in travel time. I was ill from day 3 to day 7 confined to bed and the stress of all the travel triggered my ibs big time. I completely lost my appetite out there with over-seasoned food for energy to flow again on my return today and my appetite returned. More to follow…
So what was good about it,

[velvet]

Hi Monica
I think we all invest a lot, probably too much, in our holidays and it is incredibly difficult when we don’t get the satisfaction we desired.
Don’t associate two holidays that haven’t been successful with recovery. There will be great holidays ahead I am sure and they will be all the better for being gamble-free.
I think the only thing good I can see is that you are home and home probably seems more wonderful than it did before you went away – well at least I tried to find a silver lining!!!
Velvet

[vera]

Nothing worse than being unwell when you’re away Monica.
Holidays are a bit like gambling. Risky business.
At least you got away and came back without spending money on slot machines.
Take it easy for a few days and remember the good times.

[Monica1]

Yes it is really good to be back and I really value my family. I love them so much. My son and his girlfriend had cleared out my bedroom while I was away. Shanti, his girlfriend is a talentedartist and has given me some of her art for my bedroom. She bought me a lovely Easter egg. My son has great plans for my bedroom and the rest of the home. It is so much better. So,I very much appreciate being back. Nothing worse than being ill in a Strange country and I felt acute feelings of loneliness on this trip. Where everyone is a stranger and the people u are haring the journey with have nothing in common. Evenings spent in silence cos no one knew what to talk about aside from comments on the food. Every evenings entertainment same music as the previous night, Groundhog Day.
On way out before I got in the plane to New York City which was 8 hours, I had been singled out by us homeland security for a full search. I asked whether this was random and it wasn’t. Happened to my son in way home from Bahamas too. It is our foreign surname. Nation of xenophobes. So 8 hours to New York, then 4 hours flight to Santo Domingo and then another 4 hours transfer by car. Awful. The hotel thought the 73 year old gentleman who travelled with was my husband and gave us a room which they quickly changed. He had copd and was coughing and spluttering the whole way and kept laughing and nudging me on the plane. Ahhhhhgggg! And the woman who looked very serene was a right wing nazi in her thinking about survival of the fittest. I mean really. Could not have had worse company.
More to follow…

[Monica1]

Reading through threads this evening. Vera’s to call me crazy. About how loss and separation run through our lives. And there is truth in this. I know sometimes I am afraid of how much I love with the fear of losing it. Also, two dreams I had while away I must discuss with Vera. Both to do with marriage, it was my wedding but I was already married and the second one there was no groom with a packed hall including my mother and a withered wedding dress. Hmmmm…..

[Steev]

Just adding to the other comments that I am sad that your holiday didn’t live up to what you had hoped for. I also have lots of tummy problems so know what it is like to be stuck in for days because of it.
Glad that things look rosier now that you are home with family. Hopefully we can chat in groups at some time in the near future. Keep well.

[vera]

‘Sounds as if you really took a big gamble on that holiday, Monica. We live and learn!

The Tourist Agency who took your booking need to compensate you for their horrendous planning.The first two days were taken up with travel, it seems.

I’m laughing at the old guy with COPD. He fancied his chances. ‘Hope he wasn’t too disappointed . I could never go on vacation with strangers. I have so many ideosyncrasies nobody would tolerate my company.

[vera]

I don’t like dreaming about weddings, Monica. It always unsettles me for a few days. When I am physically unwell (especially with gut problems) I have very disturbing dreams. The “gut”has to do with emotions as you know. Years ago I went through a number of Dream/Healing sessions. It was based broadly on Jungian methods. I have reservations about many of his theories but this is how it was applied in my sessions. The dreamer (me) would be asked by the therapist to go back into the dream. Recall each details with eyes closed and relate everything to the listener, using the past tense. For example. ” I was standing in a church. I wore a wedding dress. The hall was packed. My mother was there. There was no groom…..” At certain stages the therapist would interject, asking how the dreamer felt etc etc. It sounds interesting even as I write and I remember experiencing healing at different levels at that period in my life. For this to work the dreamer needs to have a good rapport with the therapist. I think it could also be done with a close friend who is interested in dream work. Remember, Monica it’s YOUR dream and you are most likely the best person to find out it’s meaning. Taking a broad guess, I would say this was a “spiritual” dream. The bride and missing groom and the mother were all parts of Monica. What Carl Jung would describe as the anima and the animus are out of balance. The dreamer needs to delve deeper to find out what is creating the imbalance…. I could comment on the withered dress but I will refrain, for. now. All my comments are subjective and open to argument.

[Monica1]

Much as u think u r a difficult companion, I would have preferred your company 100 times over what I ended up with. Slit wrists time. I am in bed today getting over the return journey. I have just explained to my son why my personal life has always been a bit of a disaster and certainly my work life has taken priority and generally made me happier than many other things in life. I feel quite depressed about it and why things just don’t seem to work,out for me in my personal life. It really makes me feel very sad. But for whom does life,work,out well? My health now has to improve. I am tasting salt in everything wine I got Ill in the dr with a sore tongue. Looked it up b12 and zinc deficiency.
My son just said we should be like little donkeys and just plod on. Sometimes it is hard reconciling this world and the people in it to any chance of happiness.

[Monica1]

Had phone messages from pete, my sister and a friend. All think I deserved better and I agree. Took this morning off as still jet lagged but will work from home this afternoon. Slowly coming back to life and my reality with a reality check on a lot of things. A lot of work to catch up on and put the awful holiday behind me. Decided never to be repeated and won’t be taking holidays for a while now and if I do in the distant future, will much closer to home. Need to shake my sadness off and dust myself down.

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry that your vacation didn’t go as planned. Being unwell on a vacation is the worse. Glad that you are home and things are getting better. Take care.

[Monica1]

I Drag myself into work and by 11am in a state of near collapse with not only ibs but the aftermath of too long in the air. I am sent home.
Feel sorry for myself as I don’t like feeling physically weak and my heart at one point was thumping out my chest just trying to keep going. Look up my symptoms on Tcm and it is heart and kidneys. Have a persistent salty taste in my mouth ever since I got sick in the dr. I know that most of this is the long flights aftermath It was too much for my body to take. I ring up my Chinese guy and will see him tomorrow. I do get texts from work colleagues who care and were so pleased to see me back today even though for some reason they didn’t get my emails yesterday. Fine bloody mess this is.

[Steev]

I felt that we were cut off prematurely in chat, last night.  I hope you are feeling better and are getting stronger day by day. At least the weather here (and I assume where you are) is better and the chance to top up that tan may happen over the weekend.

Just take things easy for a bit and don’t stress out too much about the holiday and so on – leave off thinking about the future until you feel stronger.  For now – just pamper yourself.

[Monica1]

Yes, it was a good chat last night ty steev. My son texts me a lot tonight and says he recognises the severe jet lag he also experienced so I am hoping it is just that. I spend the evening reading funny stories of flight attendants incidents on planes. For some reason this cheers me up. Y body always has delayed reactions to things ie day 3 get sick, day 2 back jet lag and my skin is now turning a deep mahogany and getting darker by the day.

[Monica1]

Went to my Chinese doc first thing. He said what I had already thought. No more flights over 4 or 5 hours. As well as a virus and the ibs, what I had read yesterday was correct. As I only have half a kidney on the left hand side from the cancer I had, the long flights crammed into economy put huge pressure on it and from there pressure on the heart. Rested a lot after acupuncture, spoke to Pete and my sons. Have herbs to take, he seems pretty confident I can get back on my feet. Not so sad now as looked up loads of no fly cruising holidays which seem a better option even if it is with saga.

[vera]

I hope you were well enough to enjoy Easter, Monica. That feeling of your heart thumping too fast is scary. Did you have your O2 sats checked? Maybe your HB is low. Don’t neglect. What herbs are you taking? Pop into the Open Group if you’re free now.

[Monica1]

Ty for your post, appreciated. I ordered books from amazon, listened to music most of yesterday and just stayed in bed. All plans were cancelled for this weekend and I was ok with it. My son got in take away as the grandkids were over from Scotland. I did manage to get them Easter eggs when I went out to see the doc on Friday. I am going to get my heart and lungs checked out privately, so,it is quick. The herbs are for the bowel, kidney and heart to strengthen them. My son has been depressed for a long time and I think he is getting help soon. My family really need some happy things to happen.

[Monica1]

Just to say if vera tunes in ty for your advice. I went to work, and as soon as I got in small intestine went into spasm and I had a vasovagal syncope and passed out. Was in loo for 40 mins. Got seen in the emergency d partment of where I work.
O2 sats 99 per cent
Chest X ray clear and no evidence of copd, that’s a result
eCG normal
Bloods normal
Protein in wee so my doc right about kidney strain, retest in a month for creatinine
negative for malaria
Treated for acute dehydration with iv fluids, was there all day
Referred urgently to infectious diseases to exclude dengue
What doc think it is is viral infection triggered the chronic small intestine inflammation to flare and trigger vasovagal syncope attacks. But because of the mossie bites and falling ill in dr on 3rd April which still hasn’t fully resolved, gotta be tested for weird tropical diseases. Work very supportive. What a flaming nuisance particularly as not earned now for three weeks and need to earn some pennies.
At least a bit nearer to knowing what’s up.

[lizbeth4]

Oh my Monica! That’s scary, passing out. I hope your condition is diagnosed soon and you start feeling better. Take care.

[vera]

That was a terrible shock for you, Monica.
Very well checked out by all accounts. It takes me 48 hrs to from those attacks. I hope you got a cert for work.
Did you tell the doc you are taking the chinese herbs?
On a practical level, have you checked out your entitlements for sick leave pay? Have you signed the permanent contract ? If so you should get full pay, should you not.
One thing I notice when I become ill to that extent is that my gambling past flashes before my mind and all the highs, lows, debts etc pale into insignificance.
When you passed out did you come round quickly?
It really is frightening to feel the life draining from our bodies.
I hope you make a full recovery , Monica,
Stay at home until you are well.

[Steev]

It sounds like your trip to DR disrupted your health in quite a major way – so I would take things as easy as possible if I were you.  Time to call on some support for yourself (as you have been very supportive of others in the past.)

Good that you are getting medical advice and are able to rule some issues out.  I think it will be a relief when you are able to pin the cause down.  Keep posting and keep us updated.  Hopefully chat soon.

[Monica1]

Not perm vera yet and even though I have said yes, really not sure, but I am not myself energy wise, so my judgment not 100%.
Rung this afternoon for my tropical diseases appointment tomorrow. Also rung by surgery who already have summary from yesterday. Talk about efficient. Have repeat kidney function in one month. Wish they were as efficient in their diagnosis. Went out to local shops and bought vitamins. Did one hour of work and I noticed I got a little confused and forgetful on the phone. I was like this before just after I stopped gambling when I couldn’t remember stuff. Writing a history for tomorrow as even with all that I know haven’t got a clue what is going on.
Yes Vera, going into a faint is awful. I was so annoyed when I was in work on time and then it all kicked off. Pete rang me last night. I hadn’t received a reply to a text two days previously and instinctively I just knew something was wrong. His family, brothers and sisters are in Jamaica paying respect to his sister who passed on Boxing Day in 2017 of pancreatic cancer. His sister, Dianne got taken Ill and is in hospital with a suspected brain tumour. Once stabilised they are trying to repatriate back home. Please pray for Diane please.
It feels like hitting sixties it is one thing after another in terms of illness and old friends leaving the planet. Life isn’t meant to be like this, where’s the bloody joy? Seek and ye shall find.

[Monica1]

First thing went to see the tropical diseases consultant. Says still dehydrated 10 days after getting home so have to drink water and isotonic drinks. Said illness in dr significant and even if was dengue would be self limiting. Issue is the dehydration, told me kidney function was abnormal which happens with bad dehydration and tests need repeating in 4 weeks.
Did work for four hours and drinking all the time. Still feel a bit wobbly but definitely improving and concentration better. Wake up with headache in morning and very dry mouth which is a sign of dehydration. Also the ectopic sign kidneys and heart struggling with level of d hydration.
Spoke to my mum and sister this ev ning and will visit them whitsun.

[vera]

Just wondering should you be working when you are so dehydrated, Monica? Any fever. I think you would have high fever if you had DenV. Sorry to hear about Pete’s sister. Life is not a bed of roses. That’s for sure. Take it easy please. Keep an eye on the BM also.

[Monica1]

What’s the BM? I did have a fever in the dr. Only doing little bits and only what I feel able to do. I have to get back into the swing of things. One sign of dehydration is complete apathy and I had that along with maybe a dozen other signs. Didn’t care about work and you are right about everything else paling into insignificance. I have learned a lot about how severe an issue this can be and it’s progress. Not that I would want to learn this way at all… but it makes u think about Africa and how simple things can save lives.

[i-did-it]

HI Monica, So sorry to read you have been so unwell. I hope you feel a lot better soon. Dehydration is just horrible and yes we do take so much for granted like clean drinking water .

I am also sorry to read about Pete’s sister. I lost my brother -in -law two months ago and you are so right – as we get older we seem to spend our time saying goodbye to people and grieving their loss.

I have just missed you in group a few times recently – your name is there but you have left.

I’m not a medical expert but I have a friend who has kidney issues and she isn’t allowed take vitamins so perhaps you should check with the doctor. I currently am taking a quarter Berocca a day – I always feel it’s the best for instant energy!

Take care Monica and look after yourself .xx

[vera]

“BM” refers to the method of testing glucose levels, Monica. Hyperglycemia can be both a cause and result of dehydration. (Sorry for being technical). We often over look the simple things. Can you apply for Social Welfare if your employers don’t cover sick leave pay?

The last thing you need is money worries when you are ill.

[Monica1]

Well Vera you are right about working, couldn’t do much today. My blood glucose thankfully has consistently been Ok. It is my urea and creatinine that isn’t ie the kidney function. Caused through dehydration hopefully which with the heart ectopics, fainting and confusion was going from moderate into severe. I am so fed up with these health issues I can’t tell you. The longest I haven’t had an attack with ibs was last year for two months when I felt that things were stable, well as stable as they can be. The debt never has been.
I have also missed people in group idi for a couple of ones recently ie just going as I am coming etc.
I don’t need certification vera as I haven’t run past 7 days. 2 weeks I was away and then went into work each time I collapsed. Managed to do 4 hours from home last week and 6 this week. So that will be my pay. Still have money in the bank so as long as I can recover Properly I should be ok. I am still taking Dioralyte when it was 12 days ago I got back now. It is taking a long time to find a level of fluid balance but I guess I was poorly in dr for two weeks so it took a long time for it to get out of whack.

[vera]

..is wealth, Monica.
I hope and pray your condition stabilizes soon. Don’t rush things. Let Nature take it’s course.
I went to a 60th birthday party tonight . I was uneasy going but I made the effort. Got the hair done. Donned the glad rags and told myself “you are still only 25” (although I felt 25 stone!) If you convince yourself , it works, (sometimes)
Every time I go out socially, I think “it would be so much easier to just go to the casino”. When you feel your dress is too short, your bra too tight, your heels too high , it has to be a sign you are getting old. I have no control over these feelings so off I headed and what do you know it turned out to be a wonderful night. Very cosy venue. Brilliant entertainment. Gourmet food. Great DJ. Everyone up dancing and the Birthday Girl looked younger tonight than she did ten years ago. I left around midnight because it’s stormy and I live in the country . I guess that party is still swinging.
I thought of you, Monica and sent you a Get Well prayer.
One day at a time.

[Monica1]

Really appreciate that and I am really pleased that you went out, and had a good time. I miss fun times. Had a headache all last night so didn’t do groups and slept in a darkened room. Woke up at 4am and did some research on ibs and the brain gut axis. Quite interesting and I have found a doc who specialises in neurogastroenterology. So that was a bit of hope just there. I have to do something positive about this condition.

[Monica1]

Well today I slept till about 11 and then went out for my ironing out the creases facial and massage. Muscles particularly in the legs very knotted and tense (stuff flying economy long haul). It was nice to see the girls again. Then went to see my Chinese guy and told him all. In the acupuncture session I felt my belly open up so that I could breathe into it. Good sign. He says I am recovering and agrees that the dehydration was shutting down my kidneys. I then go for a meal I like in a local restaurant and know I can to.erate. But now it is low fat, no dairy and only small amounts of sugars and I have to keep to it. Went to m and s and replenished the cardigan I left on the plane to New York when disoriented getting off. I have learned a lot from this holiday ie never ever again. Also someone else’s dream although it may inspire us may be complete poison to us as this dr trip was.

[Monica1]

If anyone prayed for Diane thank you. She has been Medi vacced back to uk. Catching up with Pete tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Rested Sunday, read and went for a quick drink with Pete which was pleasant enough.
Today went back to work and got through the day but still don’t feel quite right. My bosses said it would take a while and I guess they’re right. Don’t like feeling like this, slightly fragile , feminds me of post op kidney cancer surgery. i had a big fall over some uneven pavement on way home. Someone helped me to get up and said she couldn’t believe how calmly I fell. Landed on knees and wrist. Last time I did that on a slippy wet hospital floor four years ago, I broke my arm. Yes Vera, I could have sued but didnt! Today only minor bruises on knees. I consider myself lucky. My son had to take me back down in his car as my glasses went flying over a hedge and he got them back for me. A colleague at work lost her brother and I took the call. One after the other recently. Really strange and difficult times we r in. So we persevere and keep going.
Peters sister in hospital in Kent. To me it sounds like a stroke but at least she is back in uk now.

[Monica1]

Better day at work and I felt a little better. Asked to commit to perm role. Just after I was rung about another job. Except I fell again this morning at 8am. My poor knees. They seem to take quite a bashing but r holding up. All day since then walking I have been very mindful of where I am putting my feet. And my low fat, limited dairy and no sugar seems to be settling my stomach and gi system down. I am not messing with it and have become quite strict with myself although fairly limited on food choices. Before I would keep breaking the diet, now I don’t want to. Having things settle when they ha e been haywire for months now is so worth it.

[Steev]

Monica – two falls in two days doesn’t sound right to me.  I’ve only had one fall this year – and that was on a slippery rock on a beach.  I know you are seeing doctors – but do they know about this?  Could it be the medication you are on which is making you wobbly!   I really think you should get things checked out.  Glad to hear that generally you are feeling better and I do so hope you are on the mend.  You have been through a lot in the last few weeks.

Take good care of yourself, maybe speak soon.

[Monica1]

Thank you for your post. Yes, my son and I think it is somewhat odd but they were both over uneven bits of pavement, so will see how that goes. I am not on any meds Steev. They really don’t help at all. And yes, I have been through a lot, a truly horrid month, all of April. I have actually started to do the stuff now that is meant to help ie manuka honey and mastic gum which are meant to eradicate h pylori naturally. I have a plan. We will see how it goes.

[lizbeth4]

That’s concerning that you have had 2 falls so close together. I would be watchful. Falling is the number 1 cause of accidents in our age group. Take care.

[Monica1]

No more falls. I am mindful about how I walk and lifting my feet up on pavements. good news is that tummy has settled on strict diet and Manuka Honey. Virtually normal now. Manuka Honey has clinical evidence that itdestroys h pylori. I eat it with porridge first thing which seems to help a lot considering where I was and have been for many months .
Work stressful as cannot send emails, too much in archive and mailbox. IT slow so has led to some apoplectic calls from me
Very behind on work being away for so long and they just don’t act quickly. Jobs being lost at clinical commissioning groups we contract with.
Rationalising staff and cutting costs going on everywhere. My eldest has taken perm job at lower pay as both my sons worked for same company self employed and they have let go of all engineers. my middle son visited tonight which was a joy to see him. A colleague has lost his senior level job so I gave the one I had been approached about which I didn’t want to do to him to apply for.
My middle son, Kai is a gambler and won 15000 pounds on poker very recently. He paid off his debts to the tune of 10k and blew the rest in three days gambling. His gambling concerns me mostly around acknowledging the value of money and how to be wise with it, but at least he withdrew it and used most of it on paying off all his debts. I can be grateful about that. He doesn’t go through gambling highs and lows and seems to have some level of control. He is unemployed now and if off to the USA tomorrow to see friends over there. It was really good to see him we had a nice long chat.

[Monica1]

Another frustrating work day on Friday. Same problem with IT. My boss escalated it at director level and nothing… anyway, I sometimes think I am quite slow in adjusting to modern technology but last night I subscribed to Netflix and enjoyed back to back Luther. I really like iris Elba. He reminds me of pete, same ethnicity and a beard plus hugely flawed, seems to e my type of man..
Today I go for a pedicure and massage. Lovely massage. In the middle of my pedicure pete rings and says two,words, it’s terminal. She has a brain tumour. I wasn’t expecting that although I had a feeling.
Pete comes from a large family of ten, mostly brothers. He only lost his sister Boxing Day 2017. And now he is about to lose another. The sisters in the family are the strong ones but what the hell do I know. He lost his dad, mum and now 2 sisters to cancer, I could feel his,worry and agitation. He was reminded as we all are our mortality and like me when someone close has illness, we get symptoms, well I do anyway. I prayed to our Heavenly Father for healing for the whole family. I will call him tomorrow and see if we can have lunch.
I go for acupuncture and my Chinese guy says my pulses are getting stronger. No more herbs which we will save for acute things. Fortnightly acupuncture now and stick to the diet which seems to be doing a lot of good. I go for a meal I know I can tolerate after where they do a mean Spanish omelette and new potatoes. No problem with eggs at all…

[Monica1]

Another frustrating work day on Friday. Same problem with IT. My boss escalated it at director level and nothing… anyway, I sometimes think I am quite slow in adjusting to modern technology but last night I subscribed to Netflix and enjoyed back to back Luther. I really like iris Elba. He reminds me of pete, same ethnicity and a beard plus hugely flawed, seems to e my type of man..
Today I go for a pedicure and massage. Lovely massage. In the middle of my pedicure pete rings and says two,words, it’s terminal. She has a brain tumour. I wasn’t expecting that although I had a feeling.
Pete comes from a large family of ten, mostly brothers. He only lost his sister Boxing Day 2017. And now he is about to lose another. The sisters in the family are the strong ones but what the hell do I know. He lost his dad, mum and now 2 sisters to cancer, I could feel his,worry and agitation. He was reminded as we all are our mortality and like me when someone close has illness, we get symptoms, well I do anyway. I prayed to our Heavenly Father for healing for the whole family. I will call him tomorrow and see if we can have lunch.
I go for acupuncture and my Chinese guy says my pulses are getting stronger. No more herbs which we will save for acute things. Fortnightly acupuncture now and stick to the diet which seems to be doing a lot of good. I go for a meal I know I can tolerate after where they do a mean Spanish omelette and new potatoes. No problem with eggs at all…

[Steev]

Hearing the words “it’s terminal” is quite a blow and I know you must be really concerned for Pete and his sister.  I hope you can be a support to him as he goes through a difficult time. 

Things do seem to be getting better on your own health front and you sound much more positive than you were when you came back from holiday.  I hope you keep getting better and better and that things have turned a corner for you.  Speak soon I hope.

[Monica1]

Thanks. I thought things had turned a corner but I was as ill yesterday night with d and v as I was when I was at Poulstone court ie gm rehab in January 18. Everything cancelled today which included seeing Pete. Too many things cancelled for me because of my stomach and colon. I had not broken the diet and only ate a Spanish omelette which 8 am usually safe with. Back to soup and water. . So despondent and will get a referral to specialist doc. Ibs this is not.

[Monica1]

Well today whilst living on broth and water, ordered a lot of things for the house which makes a change for me. A Henry hoover cos the upright I got a whole back never worked properly, quilts, sheets and covers, pillows a rug for my bedroom, a microwave. All things that are needed. If I am to be stuck at home and not able to go,out much then it is going to be comfortable.
Spoke to Pete on the phone tonight. His sisters brain tumour is inoperable but today she is comfortable and she will be transferred across to Kings soon. I am pretty sure that that neurosurgery centre there will be things they can do to shrink the tumour.
He said to meet up when I am well enough.
I can still walk as I did slowly to the shop this evening. The episode lasted about four hours last night. It isn’t a bug, I know that. It remains a mystery.

[lizbeth4]

Sorry that you are going through some health issues. I hope you feel better soon!

[Monica1]

Well, 10 days since I last posted. Did anyone notice? To be honest, I havent felt like posting. Even though this journal is for me to write and express it is nice to get support and others perspective. But all quiet.
Potted summary of past ten days. The diet I have been on which was low fat, no dairy and no sugar changed to very light soups and fluids with toastin evening only after another attack last Thursday. I think the intensity of just eating an omelette and the intense spasm not just of guts but throwing up too made me determined not to experience that again so I have gone to war on my health issues.
I have porridge with manuka in morning and first thing wheatgrass shots. They really help with energy and alkalising the body and I have had much more energy despite the diet. . I also take a powerful probiotic and magnesium. I had to do it. Tomorrow I start natural remedies for h pylori. NAC destroys the biofilm protective barrier of h pylori and mastic gum destroys the bug. I have continued to work.
On holiday I lost 5lbs and all in all I have lost 12 lbs. it is great as I had gone up a size pre holiday and now I am just about 8 lbs off my ideal weight. I had a small worn taco last night and all good. My son cooked it. It is working out well with my son here.
The clothes shopping is done now as I knew it would be on my return from the holiday from hell. I have focused on buying things for the home, a microwave, new bedding, an omelette maker and soup maker and grow your own wheatgrass kit. A dressing table for my bedroom. wheatgrass is such a powerful alkaliser for the body. The next phase is upgrade all IT in the house, my middle son has a new pc for me. I want to make the home a nice place for my son to live in and my grandsons to stay. It was good to spend the money I have on things to live a more comfortable life.
I got a letter back from the inland revenue to make an appointment to discuss three years worth of tax returns. I am Ok with this. I went to my grandsons birthday party last week which was nice with my daughter coming up to London.
All in all. Radical change of diet and a war on getting rid of my stomach and gut problems that have plagued me for two and a half years now. This has been along and arduous recovery journey but I mean business now in my journey back to health. No pangs for sugar or overeating. Not having these cramps and problems is reward enough.

[lizbeth4]

I was glad to see your post! I did notice that you haven’t posted for awhile and I was concerned because of your health issues. I’ve had no energy to post on others threads. Poor excuse! I’m happy that you have found things that are working to improve your health.
Beautifying our surroundings is important as we spend a lot of our time there. You are still living life, job, Grandsons birthday party, while enduring health issues. You are a strong woman. I do think of you and all that you’ve endured and that you’ve stayed gamble free. You give me hope!

[Steev]

I somehow missed your answer to me on this thread and am only now catching up. I had realised I hadn’t seen you in chat for a while and was worried it might be because of health issues. Have you had a diagnosis or are you still awaiting one? I hope all that you are doing works well.

Buying a microwave made me smile – as I am back in England in an Airbnb and there is no TV or microwave here. I am missing the microwave more! I’m even thinking of buying one – which would be silly because I am only here for a week.

Anyways I will make a note to myself to check your thread more often and apologies again for missing you. Hopefully speak soon.

[Monica1]

Appreciate your posts. No, I don’t have a diagnosis Steev but I am trying to sort this out now on my own with the radical change of diet and the natural therapy regime. I will get a referral if this doesn’t work or I lose too much weight. And where I work specialises in this kind of problem so can get seen there. But so far so good now for one week. I only eat very small amounts and soup and toast in the evening plus supplementation for the vits I don’t get from the diet.
Worked from home today. Slightly annoying as my phone is very old and I tried to upgrade to an I phone for 30 quid a month and turned down as bad credit. So I am buying one. So stupid and going with gif gaff who seem to have good deals. Peters sister was sent home when I last spoke to him which doesn’t sound good. I will ring him over the weekend. In many ways I have had quite a lot to contend with and haven’t felt able to provide support. But I will try and rectify that.

[Monica1]

Well yesterday I weighed myself, I eat hardly anything and I put on 2lbs. It’s bread folks, that’s all it can be. But still 10 lbs less than when I went away. Benefit of hindsight I can’t drink and that’s all people wanted to do when away plus only sugary drinks available when needed to drink something. Need to think very carefully if I choose to go on holiday again. This last one finished me on that front for a while.
So, I am different. Like rg I am lactose intolerant. From being able to eat anything up to age 59, I now have to stop all dairy and sugar, and high fat.
Yesterday I went for a facial and again was told my skin was very soft, which is nice when our efforts are noticed. I booked a makeover at Charlotte tilbury. I don’t wear make up but as I am looking at everything I might as well try that for fun. Had acupuncture at my Chinese guy and deliberately booked for another 3 weeks ahead as am phasing it out. It helped but not that much, it needed other changes to take place. He said again, you don’t look unwell, you always look very smart. Nice. I then took my iPad to the iPad hospital. I wanted to do group on Friday but my iPad packed up and it cost be 70 quid for replacing a small part ie the charging port which was loose. Apparently on phone and iPads these r the first things to go as we have to charge them up so often. Amazing how bereft I felt without my iPad. Use it for tv, ie Netflix, look up 100 things a day and do most of my shopping on it.
Spoke to my son who co big back from Chicago is off on a free cruise with a friend all poker related, lent him 100 quid which I know I will get back when he is back working on his return.
Watched Eurovision. Wrong song won and poor old brits last again. My, how Europe hate us? It was not deserved.
Today the house is a tip as neither my son or I have washed up for a day and the sink is full. I have some work to do today.

[Monica1]

I am Ok. Tried to eat a small cottage pie as first meal on Sunday and had just a very mild attack on Monday morning. The cramp was 80 per cent reduced. I knew it was wrong as soon as I tried it. Shoulda checked the ingredients, 31g fat. I had very good energy levels at work today. This diet is yielding benefits. Just to have a cramp free day is a joy.
Called pete and he is ok. His sister is at home bedridden. To be ok in April and the next month to be unable to walk is awful but she is bearing up and he said she has accepted it. I think what I find difficult is they spend all this time diagnosing you and then say go home nothing to be done. The church r all praying for her which I know is meaningful.
I am drawn towards a raw food diet for now.
Making the most of each day.

[i-did-it]

How Monica
Just been catching up on your thread – so sorry to hear about Pete’s sister. So devastating.

What diet are you on Monica ? Is it dairy free? Sorry it’s while since we chatted and I have middle age memory!

I haven’t been on here so much – I have been doing the smart programme – it is so much better for me than the 12 steps. The more I learn the more I think Monica and I could have designed this course – it’s like all the conclusions, thoughts, outlooks and ideas we have had about gambling addiction built into a course with added CBT tools .

I hope we get a good catch up in chat soon. My boy is doing exams at the moment so I am trying to support him by being available to talk and he usually chooses to do so when he should be going to bed – the joys …

I really treasure the times we have chatted and I know you have been a huge part of my recovery xx

[i-did-it]

Monica Thank you for your post on my thread .
I had to come over and say I have tried NAC for gambling urges – it was really good !
I also found a host of other benefits but after maybe a week to ten days it made me feel quite ill.

After reading your post to me I’m wondering was I experiencing some type of “die-off” – where you feel worse before you feel better ! Have you experienced anything like this?
Some major extra benefits were regulating hormone issues and making wrinkles disappear !
Inspired by your post I am going to try it again !

[Monica1]

Yes, the diet is working ty. No cramps on raw and plant food supplemented with pressed juices. And u r right it is baby steps dealing with the things we find ourselves facing.
I went to my mum and sisters for the weekend which went quickly. It was pleasant enough, same old really, and there is something about same old that can be quite reassuring but my brother in law was also same old.. ocd and hugely annoying. Saw my niece and her son. Having gone bankrupt many years ago, she is now buying her council house and doing well. I am pleased for her. My sister having now become financially ok is back on the gin and has put on weight with a huge tummy. How does one approach these things, I don’t know… it is a difficult conversation. This week has been full of them. it was good for me to be ok and I had my first chicken dinner meal in weeks which was delicious and was ok. I went to the docs before I went, every blood test going and an abdominal scan. He gets it isn’t just the ibs label but hey, on the diet I am getting better. I was tender round the left kidney so we will see. I congratulated him on getting it right. They rarely do.
Whilst at my sisters, my mum asked me to go to the shops and get her some scratch cards. It took my sister and I to say hellooo, please dont ask that and she didn’t get it. Well she is 85 with very selective hearing.
My eldest son this morning had a fever but still worked. I have bought tons of juices to ply him with and advised him to stop binge drinking at weekends and do a cleanse.
And my middle son who is on a freebie casino cruise called me at work. He has crossed the line and he knows it. He has built up 1100dollars on his cruise card gambling and he has no funds to pay. I told him how much this was and how long I had to work for it. He said he is self excluding now as he knows he has crossed the line. I said what would u have done if no one could bail you out and that he was asking me to pay his gambling debts. He has work on his return so I know he will pay me back. But that isn’t the point. He is not suited to GA or anything like that so it is what would anyone else have done in the same situation. I cannot just leave him to face the music can I?
Chickens coming home to roost this week.

Well this week at work with both my bosses away two brewing situations for weeks came to a head. Awkward people situations.

I feel just a little sad but I will be ok. I do t do conflict so will see what solutions come up..
Y

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I can kinda guess you will get all kinds of replies about enabling etc, but I would have done exactly the same for my son. I think most mothers would . He has made a mistake , he realises and he needs a bit of help to put things right.

He has a much better example in you than he will ever find at GA so he will be ok. I am glad to read your diet is working – you deserve a break from all that pain and discomfort .
Work is a necessary evil and it’s seems some people like to make it difficult but you will handle it well – I am confident nt of that-

Good to read an update – take care xx

[lizbeth4]

I would have done the same thing for my child! A lesson learned for him! I’m sure he was appreciative for your help.
I’m happy that the diet is working! I hate conflict also. Most of it is unnecessary. Hope it all gets sorted soon.

[Monica1]

Did 10 o clock group and then read till 1am on a book I borrowed from my sister,a fictional story based on the titanic and real people. I couldn’t put it down. Woke up late and late for work but ensured I plied my son with juices. Before I leftTonight when got home at least three to four bottles gone and one left for me. yea!
Hard day dealing with all the issues that continually arose with my bosses being off. Left work at 6.30 and signal failure on tube so Stopped off at Victoria on way home and tried to eat second meal in about Six weeks. Slowly digesting it, takes ages but so far so good. A bit like a blocked sink.
My eldest son went to step change and they recommended an Iva. He has overcommitted himself credit wise and says he feels lost in his life. I said we are only lost when we think we have to do it all by ourselves and asked him to pray for guidance. Puts the kybosh on buying a house. They were too quick to advise this way and I suggested he thinks about it and mulls it over. Spent 75 quid in Dorothy Perkins on a dress and three tops. Bargains.
Absolutely pooped tonight so going to bed early (ish).

[Monica1]

I posted a response set and promptly lost it. Yes, I love books too, always have. When I saw my mum last weekend she reminded that pre school she used to take me to the nurses home where she worked as a hospital domestic and one of the matrons saw me reading a book sitting on the stairs and asked me if I could read. And I could pre infants at 4.
Well, lovely day yesterday following a difficult week with both my sons, Kai with his gambling debt and Ben I found crying in his room earlier in the week. He has girlfriend problems but also overextended himself on a massive loan and now with the reduced wage, can’t pay it. Went to stepchange and they recommended an IVA. He told a fib about his rent cos he doesn’t pay anything but Pays a lot of maintenance towards his children. I am not sure how I feel about that. Puts the kybosh on home owning. I suggested he thinks long and hard about it, but 550 a month on a high interest loan not doable. Don’t know what he was thinking when he did that.
But my day yesterday was really nice. Went to the beauty salon and had eyelash extensions put on and they looked quite nice. Then went walking round Covent Garden which was very very busy. All the posh shops, Dior, Chanel, now I would not shop in those, beyond my reach… lots of circus acts and living statues entertaining the crowds. I went to Charlotte tilbury for my makeover. I don’t wear makeup so asked for something very light and bronzed and in half an hour, perfecto. They greet you with a glass of prosecco, much better than going to Mac. I felt great and then went to meet pete for a drink, who didn’t notice at first, just said, you look well. I thought I would experiment and say that I had seen someone I liked (actually I have but don’t know him at all, so he could be married with ten kids for all I know). He knew the chap I was talking about by sight and said initially, don’t shit on your own doorstep, charming… and then later on the walk home, said I feel quite uncomfortable at the thought of you with someone else. And it is just a thought at this stage, nothing concrete there at all. So, doesn’t want to be with me but does t want me to be with anyone else either. I suspect I feel the same way about him. How weird is that, but I guess a common phenomena. Well, all in all a lovely day, on a very warm summers day, after a somewhat difficult week both at work and with my sons.
Oh, and my diet still working, all normal, I ate in wagamamas for the first time yesterday, just a bit of fish, miso broth and ramen. That is now two weeks all normal, although I had two glasses of wine last night and I still baulk when I swallow it, so I guess I have to maybe stick to prosecco if I have a drink as seems very light on the tum.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica, I get tired of saying sorry I haven’t been around but will still say it as it’s true. I’m not gambling. Don’t have the time or the physical stamina right now. Busy busy or laid out flat. Doesn’t seem to be much in between.

I have been traveling a little as well so that takes a toll. Sorry to hear about your trip to the DR. Yes Canadians go to the DR because for us it is cheap and convenient. Sometimes an all inclusive for less than 4 or 5 hundred pounds. I’ve never been, but that is from listening to friends who travel there. But now you know you don’t want to retire there! Scratch that off the bucket list. You don’t have to think about that greener pasture anymore lol

It’s hard to watch our children get themselves into tight places. If there is any consolation it is that they are going through these experiences early and they have you setting the example of how you get out of them. With honesty, therapy and hard work. You are breaking the cycle and showing them how to do the same. You are teaching them to think outside the routine and the habits of life that we often get ourselves into. You are teaching them that you can be the navigator of your own life circumstance.

I am also thrilled to hear of all the other ways you are doing things for yourself. Now making your place a comfortable oasis seems to be as much if not more for you son and his girlfriend than yourself in the beginning but I think you are seeing now that you deserve a comfortable oasis for yourself away from the stressful demands of this world. You always do so much for others it’s good to see you doing things JUST for you. Like an eyelash extension or being pampered with makeup or a pedicure. Keep it up. You are so worth it Monica.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday xo Laura

P.S.  I hope they get to the bottom of your GI issues. Keep doing what works.

[vera]

Catching up on Threads, Monica. as I slowly crawl out from under the devil’s cloak and try to reclaim my sick soul.
I love my adult sons but I couldn’t live with them.
Chaos sends me into a head spin and as a CG, I “unspin” in the same old hellhole every time, doing what comes naturally to to people with a gambling addiction/compulsion/craze/habit/attraction/or whatever term we chose to use for what I see this night as INSANITY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER.
VERY well done on your amazing G free Life.
Long may you have the health to catch up on the lost days and nights that stole so much from all of us.

[Monica1]

Great to hear from you vera and laura. Really good. Vera will post on your thread. Last night I thought I would watch Netflix. Are there any good inspirational movies on there? So much rubbish. Anyway I thought I would watch a Louis Theroux documentary about three young people facing their mortal end. It was very well done and all about where hope stops and was very revealing. It made me think deeply One who was brain dead made a full recovery eventually but the family refused to give up hope, the second had about a week to live with chronic myeloid leukaemia, got married and even though there was no hope his docs decided to give him chemo once more and he died one day later. The third was where the whole group of surgeons told a young man no more treatment, time to go to a hospice delivered in a very bad way which gave him no hope and he passed six weeks later. I learned here that When docs say go home there’s no hope, 9 times out of ten it is true. Which led me to thinking about peters sister and sure enough this morning I get the call from pete to say she had passed this morning. Now pete was meant to see her Sunday but did t go thinking he had time but it turns out there wasn’t and he felt dreadful about that. He went to work as he just couldn’t bear to think about it. I prayed for Diane and her family, around six weeks from diagnosis to the end. Her other sister it was about two to three months from on diagnosis to the end. So, in gratitude I am because we have life and it is a gift that can so quickly be taken away.
Long day at work. Still feeling ok on diet.

[Steev]

So sorry to hear your news.  I hope things are okay with you and that you can be there for Pete and others.  My thoughts are with you.

[vera]

…on the passing of Diane,
May her soul rest in peace.

[lizbeth4]

I wanted to tell you how sorry I was to hear of Pete’s Sisters passing. Life is precious and we shouldn’t take one minute for granted. Take care!

[Monica1]

Thank you for your messages of condolence re Diane. I did speak to Pete this week on the phone. I could tell he had been drinking and wasn’t alone, but under the circumstances who wouldn’t have a drink? He said Diane passed very peacefully, slept a lot during the week and woke up before she passed, gave one look to her husband and passed, surrounded by her family. It sounded like a peaceful way to transition. He is working a lot as summer time everyone wants their garden done or help with painting etc.
My week at work was difficult, not many weeks that aren’t.
Today I spent a lot of money in one day, a whole weeks wages and I wondered why I overspent. But, I spent some on delivered organic food, as the diet is still working, casserole dishes, a beautiful bath towel, a blender and as I do, a new handbag and purse. My last handbag is falling to pieces, having lasted three years, but when I buy a handbag I buy radley expensive. I also bought a purse as I have never carried one and I am fed up with rummaging round my bag for things. So all in all I overspent. And I know I overspent. Was it on unnecessary things? Not exactly, maybe one or two pieces I didn’t really need. I also felt urgey to spend money on a computer game, which is my gambling substitute, but didn’t.
On this diet I feel ok, no symptoms and I have got the kitchen stuff because the organic site I am on has many recipes so I will start to cook. It feels like I am going down a completely different path with Health and diet.
I also know I am avoiding ringing the revenue and must do that for an appointment, maybe my overspending has to do with that. At least I have the money to overspend for which I am grateful.
I forgot to cancel my Acupuncture appointment and they rang me. Quite pushy in fixing another one. I said I would ring them and apologised and this bothered me for at least a couple of hours, 1: because I forgot to cancel and I think I was just actually going into avoidance and 2) because they are so very psychologically pushy and this bothered me as well. I wanted to say that while it helped with a few things, cos it did, it never helped that much with my main health problem. Which was my stomach and colon. So why couldn’t I actually say it? I think that is what bothered me that I couldn’t say it. Hmmmm.

[Monica1]

My friend with cancer/not cancer but treatment still the same went to see a woman specialist in Birmingham who will treat her with radiotherapy with a view to surgery. She has been everywhere and because she wouldn’t do chemo, everyone including guys and the mars den refused to treat her. That is so disgusting but after four and a half years she has finally found someone who will work with her. Was pleased for her.

[Steev]

So I am not surprised that you are comforting yourself by buying things. At one time I would have comforted myself by gambling … Necessary items that we have been putting off buying seems a much better choice.

As for the acupuncture thing – just walk away. I am never happy with pushy service … does not seem like customer care to me. Time to move on.

[Monica1]

Yes, u r right and ty for your words of wisdom. It is more difficult for Pete really, not me so much but energetically I suppose if it affects him it affects me in some way too. Must still be joined at the hip.
And now for something totally shallow and superficial. The chap I quite liked I saw him in the street on a warm day. He had poop coloured trousers and a polo jumper. No one ever ever should wear poop Brown. And I went off him rapidly, as he also is very thin. I turned away quickly so he wouldn’t see me. There, told you it was shallow.
Yes, agree re the acupuncture. Steev, would love an update on your travels.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I must be shallow also cos I would be totally the same – attraction is attraction and it is deeper than poop coloured trousers and something no one has quite managed to explain- thanks for making me laugh !

I am so sorry to hear about Pete’s sister. Xx

I love to read about your shopping – I bought some new clothes yesterday also – very cheap but nice and crisp and new! Our money is better spent on us than on casinos !

Steev is wise – maybe they are desperate for business -and don’t realise how they come across.

Hope u are having a great weekend xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I must be shallow also cos I would be totally the same – attraction is attraction and it is deeper than poop coloured trousers and something no one has quite managed to explain- thanks for making me laugh !

I am so sorry to hear about Pete’s sister. Xx

I love to read about your shopping – I bought some new clothes yesterday also – very cheap but nice and crisp and new! Our money is better spent on us than on casinos !

Steev is wise – maybe they are desperate for business -and don’t realise how they come across.

Hope u are having a great weekend xx

[i-did-it]

Ps despite your loss xx

[Steev]

I hope you are getting better after your holiday. I was reading an article on the BBC News website about DR and US tourists getting ill and worse whilst on holiday there. I don’t think I can post a link here – but if you go onto the bbc news website and search for DR you should find it.
Of course there may be no connection. I do hope your experience won’t put you off travel. I am really enjoying my experience of it – despite the 32 degree heatwave here in Belgium. Hopefully “speak” to you soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message. Yes, it was in the metro last week. The fbi r investigating as 5 tourists have died all over dr and many very ill. I am following this up.
I am Ok, diet still working and now steadily losing 1.5 to 2 lbs a week. Still have repeat bloods and scan to do but I am Ok. I do feel a claim Coming on though.
Would love to post more and do group but it is all work at moment and I need my sleep.

[Monica1]

If steev reads this please dont stop posting. I haven’t posted
much over past couple of weeks but I read every day. I need this site to maintain my recovery.
Well, not a lot to say except that I am Ok, diet ok, still on it and have lost 13 lbs in all, slow and steady. Just with no sugar, dairy free and low fat.
Was offered the job at work and accepted it, not sure if that was the right decision or not but have made it. Still spending quite a bit of pay on nice things and treatments. Have done the eyelashes which look natural and that’s fun having nice long lashes.
Went on a work away day yesterday, which was ok, boring in parts and good in parts. An ice breaking session had around 60 of us told to get in a line from the first to the last in order of when started in the nhs., even with breaks as I have had. Oh lord, I was right at the end by ten years, 43.5 years. That felt strange to be reminded of age. I was applauded but I felt s bit of an impostor as I have loads of breaks but I did start in 1976.
I think the worst thing this week was losing my mobile. It was handed in at Mac Donald’s where I had to rush to the loo, wouldn’t eat in there now. A colleague rang me and Mac Donald’s answered it. But 7 to ten days to unlock it so without a phone now.
Today I learned that my eldest son is in his biological fathers will. He sold his house recently for a million, so good to see that he will be ok one day, from the Iva he is going through right now. His step grandmother has also mentioned him in her will, she feels guilty for her sons bad treatment of my son when he was younger.
Aside from that tootling along and I am Ok.
I get the odd urge when bored which I hve been but can counter it quite easily.

[Steev]

I guess the first sentence from your last post was because of a comment I had made on someone else’s thread.
Don’t worry – I’m not going anywhere – I was just in the middle of trying to sort my head out.

It sounds as if you are tootling along well enough – glad to see the new job, (I think) and that your family are being looked after.

I’m leaving Belgium in the next couple of days and slightly worried about going to Germany – because of the language barrier (I have managed to get by here on my pigdin French – but know no German.) But I guess challenges are good for me. No gambling worries – but I did dream that I was on a fruit machine last night. As what I dream about usually leads to the opposite happening – I suppose that it a good thing!

[Monica1]

8 days since I last posted but still read posts every day. I am well. Diet working and people noticing the weight loss which is slow but steady, a stone now. Work has been ok, choosing a start date to be permanent which will be a reduction in pay but so many out of work now in my field that I feel blessed to have a job.
Biggest frustration this week is no phone and no ability to make calls since 8 days now. I blew a gasket with the Egyptian call centre and made a complaint. When you block your phone if you lose it can’t get it back again without getting a new SIM.
Yesterday hottest day of the year, 34 Celsius and sleeping difficult.
But all in all I am well. Strict Diet has eradicated all symptoms and I feel ok.
My friend has finally had surgery from which she has recovered well and is about to start radiotherapy.
I am tootling along feeling grateful to be symptom free.

[Monica1]

My doc rang and all my blood tests are now normal with the exception of cholesterol which has been high for 20 years. Advised again statins and again refused statins. Bought some natural plant sterols.
Having my scan on Tuesday but to be honest at the moment I am well and appreciating every minute of it.

[Steev]

Saw your name on group last night and said hello – but I guess you must have moved on by then.

Great to hear that your diet is working and that you are in much better health. Ready for your next holiday maybe? 😉

[kin]

Always glad to see your post. Never forget reading your early struggles and your display of guts, courage and strength in recovery. Best wishes to you in everything you do. God bless!

[Monica1]

How quickly the days pass. Had the day off today and still no phone line despite making a complaint for which my line rental was refunded for a month. Had to ring the awful customer service again in Egypt and that led nowhere. Virgin engineer called today for my landline to learn that my son had severed the cable when he moved in. They have to reside completely again as all outside lines outside the house in use. Weird. So no way to communicate. My son is still depressed and spent the weekend with my granddaughter who hwas admitted to hospital with chest pain. She is recovering now at home from what sounds like pleurisy but I keep in touch with her to monitor her progress. There is always something.
I went and had my ultrasound scan today and surprisingly kidneys Are fine but they found two haemangiomas, one on the pancreas and One on the liver. These are Usually benign vascular tumours. Pancreatic ones, exceedingly rare, only 15 recorded in world since 1939. He said not cysts as previously documented as different colour and showed me the scan. Cysts are dark whilst this one was bright. Well, we will see where this goes, nowhere I hope
Making plans to clear the front room of all things that need clearing of mine and my sons since he has moved in. Was embarrassed by the mess in there this morning. Three TVs, keeping on and keeping well, wondering where the days go. Determined to enjoy life.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I hope all is well with your health .
Xx

[Monica1]

No iPad for a week, each charger lasts two charges. I hear Apple do this deliberately so u buy Apple chargers which I now have and charges fine. No mobile for two weeks and have never encountered such incompetence at talk mobile. No good for my blood pressure but now connected again. My week was ok. I have let go of the scan argey bargy. Sometimes docs just aren’t the way to go, and sometimes they are.
Had a long but good day yesterday as a patient for trainee Ayurvedic practitioners who all realise the limitations of western medicine and big pharma. It was excellent. Went Round four groups of trainees filmed talking about all my problems. Seems my diet was just the right thing to do but I have to nowchange it just slightly which I will do. Coriander water recommended in the morning. If I had the time to devote to Ayurveda I would do but training too intense and not for this year. Will stick to being a patient. Made so much sense what they were saying even though I knew the emotional links to my difficulties. Gut issues = gambling for hours and days at a time And the big debts.
My grandsons are down for the week from Scotland with my son, who is stArting counselling and antidepressants. I am very anti chemical Coshes as anyone who reads my thread knows but I accept that they just might help him. A colleague has been on them for years and they seem to help her. So what’s good for one not for the other.
My gut issues came back just for a bit this week cos again I ate a bit of cheese. But much reduced and nowhere near as bad. I am enjoying life. Spoke to Pete who got very drunk at his sisters funeral on 3rd and doesn’t know how he got home. Seeing him later.

[Monica1]

I cancelled pete as I chose together with. My son, we both cooked a roast chicken dinner for the grandkids. I went shopping this afternoon and decided that he eats junk and feeds takeaway pizzas for the children so I decided the junk has to go. Something satisfying about cooking for the family. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t do cooking, but I kinda do now.

[Monica1]

Well today was a lovely day after a stressful working week. Long hours and a few times I wondered why I am going permanent imminently. I had two prosecco last night, unheard of…
My son got a placebo effect from the antidepressants, on day 1 he got his mojo back and cleaned the house. He cleaned the house and took his sons to my daughters and To my granddaughters who had a tooth out today. He has also had a promotion.
Today I went to the gym for my first personal training session. Thought I would do terrible but I did t. Went for a swim after and then a massage and facial. Bliss, feeling good, exercise makes us feel good. And then I notice a parcel that was on the communal post table this morning not there when I get back. Lightfingers in the house strikes again. Was going to leave a note but my son said not to and toreport it. Saddened to have to do that but they have crossed the line again.

[Monica1]

It is t always easy living with ones eldest son. Last week great to see the grandkids, but it coincided with one of the most stressful weeks at work, cleaning up others mistakes. Noisy at night and at midnight playing the guitar and singing with the kids when I am trying to sleep. I get over that and today find my diet waterbased porridge all gone and a dish in the sink with milk based porridge that I catch a smell of and vomit as that is what milk based products seem to do to me. We sort all that out but as I say, it isn’t easy.
I open letters and now bankruptcy seems inevitable but it is a question of when is the best time.i can string it out for a long time. I would sooner not but I will be paying off big numbers even when retired. I am not going to do that. So maybe the sooner the better. I am not scared of it anymore. My son is doing an Iva and I think look ahead post Brexit and we will be seeing many more company and personal insolvencies. The biggest credit card debt sends me a letter to get a mental health professional to complete. It is quite heavy duty and I won’t fill it out or get anyone else to complete. They can foxtrot Oscar, as we say in work.
I will be two years gf next month and the debt overhang will be there for many years to come. But hey we are a,ive, it is a new day and there is always hope. It is only money at the end of the day and I know enough now to value life itself.

[Monica1]

Ok busy day at work. On way home waiting for the bus I see pete in the street on his way to buy some cigs. He is in the pub with a woman he had an interest in and says he now isn’t interested in her as she put him off in some way. He smells of booze. We agree to meet up at the weekend.on bus I see guy I had a slight interest in, havent seen him for a month. I am thrown by Pete a bit and we exchange some pleasantries and find out he lives 5 doors down from me.
My parcel came back to me today, it was a Christian book I get free from tbn. it has been opened but I guess they weren’t interested in it.
I feel slight undercurrents of emotion that Pete is moving on and realise how ridiculous this is. But nevertheless it is there. Hmmmmmm….

[Monica1]

Saw this just before I go to work this morning. Helpful, ty.

[Monica1]

Worked from home today but find very little time on my hands, something to do all the time. However I went to gym and aqua aerobics this evening. I have booked a luxury 3 day spa break in Cornwall for myself and my daughter. An expensive treat.
I have thought about what to say to Pete and reflected on it all week. It did bother me but I think if he is seeing someone then he can’t see me. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Well done on going to the gym and Aqua aerobics.

It must be difficult to think of Pete moving on after so many years. Whatever decision you make about seeing Pete, please make it be about what’s best for Monica. I feel this is one of those times you should put yourself first. You owe no one anything but you do deserve happiness for you.
Xx

[Monica1]

Funny you should mention it idi. I had a nice weekend until this evening. Spent yesterday relaxing and getting new glasses. Spoke to my friend and she was diagnosed in Birmingham with cancer and advised chemo and radiotherapy. She refused chemo and they are just cracking on with radiotherapy.
Today I went and got my haIr coloured and cut and when I was there text from pete to ask to go out for a Drink. I was in foils so texted him 25 mins later to say ok, meet at 8.30. He then half an hour later cancels as his family asked him to help move some furniture. I actually felt really angry and it took me back to when we were together and he would let me down in some way. I told him don’t call me I’ll call you. And really I calmed down half an hour later, feeling a bit confused as to how I felt. Normally this wouldn’t bother me that much. I considered telling him that it is better not to see each again other and cut off ties. And anyway, meant I could watch the handmaids tale and love island. ha… but then I thought better of it and to sleep on it. I feel weird about all of this and genuinely don’t know why I can’t just cut off all contact to protect myself.

[vera]

During my 90 minute walk this evening, Monica.I listened to music on my phone. The Frank/Nancy Sinatra song “Something Stupid” was played. In my mind, I dedicated it to you (and Pete).
It’s not easy to let go.

[Monica1]

So good to hear from you. My good friend who hits the nail on the head. Yesterday I felt sad but texted first thing in the morning to say how I felt , I was honest and that I was thinking of cutting all ties. But finding it difficult. And he didn’t answer at all. Which reminded me of what he does when he doesn’t want to deal with something hoping it would go away. I think I do need to cut ties, I really do, and maybe this is what I should have done all along. I had a gut attack yesterday morning, first one in six weeks, but it was so much more reduced and the lain 80 per cent reduced, but it lasted three hours.
Today I gave it all to God and had an ok day. Feeling much better. You are right. It is hard to let go. But let go I must.

[vera]

Relationships that tie us to another person. are a bit like gambling, Monica. I have had a similar person in my life for years. The more we “dip in” the more difficult it is to make a clean break.
Like gambling, I did get “rewards” but the cost of being always available is too high.
I gave far more than I got.

[Monica1]

Wow, haven’t posted for a while.
Well, I came back in Sunday night from four days and three nights in Newquay staying in a very expensive spa overlooking the famous mistral beach. Most beautiful views I have ever seen outside sea view room. went with my daughter. Flew with Flybe and the cost was astronomical.
Had lots of treatments and bought some Elemis products. Very nice break. Broke the diet but was ok. Back on it again now.
Saw pete last night as we needed to have a talk, was a bit apprehensive but this lady he sees from the church Is just a friend. Previously I told him I would not see him if he was having a thing with her. We had a fun evening. He said that when he saw me in the street he would have preferred to go for a drink with me instead of her. I said he was in my heart and he said I was in his soul. How strange but so very true.
I have downloaded that computer game and spent 70 quid on it. Need to watch that.
I am now permanent in my job and monthly pay instead of weekly, spent a small fortune at the spa but well worth it. My daughter lives scraping by so I paid for the lot. It was fab to have a nice break, so much better than the last two disasters. We plan on going away with the family a lot more.

[Monica1]

In the period when I wasn’t seeing Pete I did three profiles on dating websites. I didn’t join or subscribe but posted an old photo of me, ha ha, one six years old and the other 15 years ago. I did get a lot of responses but I can quite honestly say it really,isn’t for me, my heart just wasn’t in it. Trawling through tons of photos and they were all no’s. Guess that just isn’t my direction of travel. Felt really bored doing it and the reviews of all these sites are awful. They just take your money and do nothing.

[kin]

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Looking forward to your next post.

[Monica1]

A while back I was very disappointed not to go to see my granddaughter in a production of Aladdin 1. Because I was ill, 2. Because there were high winds and all trains were disrupted. Well, this weekend high winds and trains were disrupted yet again but I did get to see her in the title role of Mary poppins. Didn’t think I would get to see her as was strNded for an hour with hundreds of others at a Kent railway station because of a tree down on the line. But they laid on an empty train, and it was worth it. She was great and her singing voice is so good. People were queuing for autographs after. Talk about proud, her next production early next year is in a west end theatre.
Bit dodgy on train coming home at 9ish.quite a lot of drunk people even at that time and I felt uncomfortable.
Went to a baby shower on Sunday but did t stay long as I did t know anyone there except the person having. Cancelled pete in the evening as felt tired.
I am still playing the computer game a little compulsively and as steev says I wonder what I am trying to put off thinking about. I know I feel a little strange now being permanent but colleagues all sent me a card of congrats saying they were so glad I stayed. Well, 2 years gf in 2 days time.

[Steev]

Wow – 2 years gamble free is a great achievement – well done you!

You know it’s a funny thing but since I have started travelling I have hardly played any freecell – it is as if that pathway in my brain has been switched off.  My “go to” thing is Duo Lingo now – which I don’t mind as I need to improve my languages anyway.

Of course I can’t say what it is that you are putting off thinking about and maybe you do need that computer game at the moment but if you get the chance of looking into yourself – what does that computer game do for you?  What is it there for and who would you be if you no longer had it?  It might be something to journal about.  Enjoy your gf anniversary – do something wonderful!

[jen3]

2 years? Congrats! Wow that has to feel amazing!! You must be so proud of yourself. I long for the day I see 6 months. Ya never know, maybe that day will be in Feb. I might sound like a broken record but I am determined to do things different and see that day if it’s the only thing I do. Celebrate your milestone! That’s Awsome!

[kin]

Dear Monica,

Congratulation on achieving another milestone in your journey!

[Monica1]

Nice to see your posts ty and ty rg for reading my thread from start to now. It has been quite a journey and the first nine months were quite honestly pretty dire. But many things have improved for the better. Counselling brought out that it was time for Pete to move out and that brought me back my boys, not that I had ever truly lost them as I still saw them but they would not call round while pete was living here I still have the huge debts which have not moved on at all, just ahead with my rent and tackled the priority ones with the exception of the inland revenue.
I am permanently employed and have enjoyed spending money on some pampering and nice clothes in recovery.
Why I play the computer game I don’t know. I work long hours and at night don’t feel like doing anything so that may be it. I have spent a little money on it in the last month, something I would lose in 5 minutes gambling and then 20 times more. So I don’t think I will gamble again ever, not even a lottery ticket. Like steev, I am someone who can’t ever set that beast loose even remotely. Playing the game compulsively, which I do, doesn’t make me feel like gambling. But I guess I will get bored with it as I have done in the past and stop. It is very goal driven and feeds an addictive mind, which I seem to have. I am Ok and every days I give thanks to God for my family and for my recovery, which was hard earned. I got through it and I would not turn that beast on again for anything. It cause way too much pain and suffering to ever go back.

[i-did-it]

hi Monica , a huge congratulations on reaching the two year milestone – u have been on quite a journey !
I compulsively watch episode after episode on Netflix so I understand the gaming .
Your granddaughter sounds like a star in the making – does she get her musical ability from you ?
I hope you are enjoying the security of being in permanent employment Monica .
Xx

[i-did-it]

hi Monica , a huge congratulations on reaching the two year milestone – u have been on quite a journey !
I compulsively watch episode after episode on Netflix so I understand the gaming .
Your granddaughter sounds like a star in the making – does she get her musical ability from you ?
I hope you are enjoying the security of being in permanent employment Monica .
Xx

[Monica1]

Well, no, she doesn’t get it from me. When I was in juniors we had something called Friday choice which for me wasn’t a choice.i was made to do music cos I was good at it. It I wanted to do drama and that has stayed with me funnily enough, so she is living out my dream. Although tbh I don’t think I would be very good. The loveliness of 3 days in Cornwall and seeing my granddaughter has stayed with me. I had a lovelier colour from three days sitting on the terrace in Cornwall than the Dominican, well almost, and the sea in Cornwall was bluer.
My week has been ok and we did celebrate my 2 years of recovery from gambling addiction. My son made me a roast dinner as that is what I asked for and a bottle of prosecco. I broke my diet in Cornwall and recently a bit but I have been ok. Back to it tomorrow.
I am now on monthly pensionable pay, so I have to budget, no big spends in posh shops anymore. A
Although today I had a nice day and went into a charity shop and bought a jaeger dress for a tenner. Facial and massage after and shopping for Sunday lunch for my son and his girlfriend tomorrow.
Last night in way home from work it was raining and the leaves r starting to fall. Want to hold on to summer a bit longer.i am still compulsively playing that game and spending money on it. I thought I had permanently blocked it but there seems to be no such thing on an Apple iPad.
Still I am content and trundling along deeply appreciative of each day.

[kin]

Hi Monica,

Slowly and carefully, you have soldier on. You show us how it was done over time and how our life can improve. One baby step at a time, each of us have a lifetime to do this.

Thank you for sharing your recovery here.

[Monica1]

Again, I am not posting as much as I should. Last weekend was nice. I cooked Sunday lunch for my son and then he did the next shift for his vegan girlfriend. My middle son cAme over to use the tumble dryer and helped himself too. I like this. Pete not being here has enabled my family to come together a little more cohesively.
Having said that I saw pete Sunday night and he was late, he is always late, I actually was waiting 45 mins. His excuse, his shoelaces broke and he had to iron his pants. I mean really. I to,d him to try and do better and that I will not wait for him. But we had a pleasant evening and I paid the price for it from the three glasses of prosecco the next day. Have to be so careful with my diet. But he gave me a massive hug at the end of the night and we will go to the cinema next time.
My week flew by in a busy whirl. Have been playing too much of that game obsessively, every night and spent money too but have now stopped. Payday today, first salaried pay, and although it is quite a bit less per month than I am used to, it wasn’t too bad, and many people would think it a very good wage.
My daughter wants us to go back to Newquay although less glam than the headland where we stayed, caravan next year. I c ount my blessings and have gratitude every day for many things, still start the day with scripture and like I did when I was a practicing Christian as a teen, must feel that all goes well and we are victorious in Christ. I have an inner almost like contentment although I know I still have my issues. Play that game too much, but I am slightly bored with it now. Had a compliment about my writing this week from the most senior person in the place, and it made me feel good. I have to fulfil the writing at some point, maybe when I go back to newquay, which is so inspiring with the vistas and views from where we stayed.
So all is well in my world and long may it continue to be. No gambling urges or thoughts but I know I am replacing it with that silly game that I can’t block. anyone?

My lot still want to spend time with me. I am Ok, debt ridden and not paying it off still, but ok.

[vera]

Its great to hear you cooked Sunday lunch for the family, Monica.
Didn’t know you cooked!
Waiting 45 minutes for Pete!
Methinks you would wait forever for that guy.
The only way you will block that game is by installing a mental block in your brain.
I play “Snake” incessantly on my little phone.
In my opinion it is “dry gambling”
It leads me back to real gambling.
Be careful!

[Monica1]

Bank holiday spent with my mum and sister at my sisters house. It was nice enough. It makes my mum happy to see the both of us and my sister loves to cook for us and she did well, roast beef and Yorkshire’s, although I couldn’t eat the Yorkshire’s.
When I got home my middle son came round and bought me brand new hard drive, very small, huge monitor and keyboard, as my pc now 9 years old and takes 10 mins to boot up. For nothing, and also loaded Plex onto my iPad. Has every series and film, better than Netflix and prime. He even got me the handmaids tale current series which is so hard to get. Delighted with that.
The days go by quickly, my bosses away at work so very busy but ok. This morning I cleared all the clutter from my front room, with paid help from my ex husband, but I participated and took it all to recycling. He told me my eldest son,s depression caused by cocaine and drug abuse, ie partying but that he had noticed he is a lot happier living here. He is and the antidepressants have helped him a lot. I have not seen him on drugs, hungover, yes but not out of it, and I recognise when someone has done drugs. His father is a social cocaine user and I think some of that may have rubbed off on him. Huge sense of achievement and cleansing clearing the clutter and we had a very fruitful morning. A lot more work to do still but the bulk of the crap has gone.
Then had my facial and massage which was Lovely. I have gratitude now for each day, that is what recovery has bought me. It is has bought me a contentment,
The only downer in the week was some enforcement person cAme round twice when my son was in who said he had never heard of me, I said not to do that again and that I will need to face whatever that was. The big debts are still there two years on quitting gambling. I remember steev saying how he scrimped to pay off his debts, but I won’t do that. My ex husband reminded me of how poor and homeless we always seemed to be when young. He was right, a pair of waifs we were with very little parental support or mentoring in life. I spoke this week and I often wonder if we had all the nurturing and support to develop as children where we would be now. A different place, that’s for sure. But I am Ok with where I am. A work in progress. Spent 55 quid this week on the computer game, a little out of hand. Over a couple of months it is a few hundred. Not a great dent in the scheme of things. I spend more on cigarettes but it is a habit I want to stop. As I hve said to vera, it does not make me want to gamble. Nothing does, cos it was that horrendous, the aftermath and what it does to us as human beings.

[Steev]

Yep – I did scrimp somewhat – and I think I said to you that if I could put the clock back I would not do it again.  I didn’t get any meaningful financial advice when I finally stopped gambling and I also didn’t want to go and admit how I got into a financial mess in the first place.  Shame has cost me a lot of money over the years!

Good to see that you are living life – I am envious of the Handmaids Tale … the only TV I can get here is French and no subtitles!

[kin]

Hi Monica,
Thank you for your sharing.

[Monica1]

Was ok. Last Sunday I went to see once upon a time in Hollywood with Pete. I told him not to be late but as usual ten minutes late, but did run down the road to get to me. A slow burner of a movie with a surprise end. Has good reviews but not mr Tarantino’s best in my view. We had a nice time as we usually do.
I am well. Work was ok this week, busy as usual. I spent too much in the computer game this week. Can anyone tell me how to block permanently a Facebook game on a iPad. Every time I think I have blocked it for good, it is there again. Will be co I guess back to support soon, as although I have not gambled now for 25 months I send too much on this silly game.
Lent my daughter some money and my eldest son this week. He is burning the candle both ends and missed work today as was out too late.
There is an autumn chill in the air and went shopping today. The mall was very busy, everyone having the same thoughts, autumn wardrobe. Got a few things and spoke to a lady in the m and s queue, we are not ready to let go of the summer yet. And I have dropped a dress size, now a size 12 which I haven’t been in years and I still haven’t kept 100 per cent to my diet may 75 per cent but since April have lost 21 lbs. I am now at upper limit of normal weight for my height but look quite trim. Appreciating each day, that is my reality, the art of gratitude and appreciation.
All in all

[vera]

I’m so glad to hear Life is treating you well, Monica.
I applaud your magnanimity.
I wish I could tell you how to block that wretched game from your iPad but I am a dude when it comes to computer technology.
The one thing I do know is that we need to block these “demons”at a mental level.
Flee from everything that leads us astray.
I need to follow my own counsel, in that regard.
Mental barriers are the best defense.
I have a mental image of Pete running to meet you.
Reminds me of another “Pete”at an earlier time.
I was size 12 then!
Those were the days!!!

[kin]

Hi Monica,

You are amazing. You did what you have to do to stay gamble free. You are perfect in your imperfect ways.

You have face so many difficult obstacles and situations, regardless of the condition and consequences, you did not gamble.

[lizbeth4]

I’m so happy that you are living the life you deserve! Looking back, you’ve made such great strides in your life! Everyone here should read your thread. It’s inspirational what you have endured and where you are now!
I hope you had a awesome weekend.

[Monica1]

25 months gf today, I went to group tuesday and Friday and it helps cos whilst I can’t block the computer game, i haven’t played it and wrote to the company and asked what they do to protect addictive folks. Ty for reaching out they said and the answer was nothing. It doesnt stop here i say I will take this up as a mini cause.
Week started off at work with a long journey and then it all got cancelled. I was livid, hours wasted on train, tube and bus but we move on and the end of the week was better. So instead of playing the game I read Margaret Atwood s follow up to the handmaids tale, released in a flurry of media frenzy. Finished it in two days, very good it is too. Very reflective this week of what I want to do. I could live three lifetimes and not do everything I would like to do. But I have narrowed it down. Travel still even if I can’t do long haul. Option of a PHD and /or creative writing. Will do the diet course maybe in the new year as it is the one thing that has made a dramatic difference to my health and my life. Of course, if I was gambling I would have cut off all options for living my life. Gambling is a living death and I am glad to be rid of it.
The rest of this year don’t fancy doing any courses as have spent my life doing them and taking a leisurely break.
Today went for a facial and pedi. Very nice. I am ticking along and I am Ok. My son got a promotion and I am very slowly changing the house, clearing every bit of clutter ready to redecorate soon.
Beautiful sunny day today which pleases me enormously. Still not quite ready to let go of the summer yet.

[Steev]

First of all – congrats on 25 months, a great acheivement. 

Also a great post – looking forwards to moving on in life whilst also celebrating the life you currently have.  As I sit here with a “grumbly” tummy, I am rather in awe of how you have managed to sort out your problems with your own drawn up diet.

As for your choices – they are the same as mine.  Of course I have gone for the travel option, taking things slowly and only flying for visits back to the UK – I am doing the majority of the country to country stuff overland with maybe some ferries.  Once I get to Asia – I will have to fly, but lets see if I can get there first.

My other option would be to do a Masters course (I am not up to a Phd.) in some form of counselling, possibly existential or something more practical like drama-therapy.  I liked the small amount of the latter that I have been involved with but I don’t know when I would get the chance to practice it.  Or creative writing … have you seen the short residential courses run by the Arvon Foundation?  Their on-line brochure comes out at the New Year.

Of course all this depends on my health improving and not feeling so tired all the time.

I also enjoyed the sunshine and a short walk.  Hope to see you in group again soon.  Keep on enjoying life!

[Monica1]

Got up early and Cooked Sunday dinner for my son, every week now and fell asleep at 6.30. Due to meet pete at 8 and this time he was on time and I was late. Unheard of. I rushed but still made an effort wearing for first time rock chick Jacket. bought six months ago but never worn. He is noticing my efforts and said I looked and smelled good. I said my sixties r my best decade. Played pool, 3 games. Neither of us have played for ten years but we r both good players and it was like riding a bike, we both played well making good shots. He won 2 1.
He spoke about his insecurities where he lives and i said mu son wont stay with me for ever and he could move back in if that was the case but we would to have a proper physical relationship just some of the time. At the same moment I said this I was pouring my drink and in a hilarious moment it just overflowed in the glass and went all over the table. We both laughed like drains. Ten minutes later he asks me to dinner and to stay the night at his place. I said sure. And it is ok but not sure what to make of it even now.

[Monica1]

I havent posted because really I don’t really get any responses and I guess we post when we feel like doing it, and it is our journal to record our recovery journey and how we feel, which after the week I have had is a good thing really. And again I feel the urge to post.
I read long term posters on here or recovering gamblers who say in six months time, or in one year I will be debt free. For those of us roue’s who went so far down the old rabbit hole of gambling I am happy for these folks but think to myself, well I am two years five weeks gambling free and still living with the fallout. I still don’t open my post and today I got my month salary to find the inland revenue has taken a quarter of it directly. Crikey, and if I paid what I owed and worked till I am 70 I might just have paid that debt off. I was so angry and upset. What is the bloody point?
I am already strategising as to how to fight it, what to do to enable my dreams of things I want to do to still to happen on such a reduced income. Giving it to God.
Also this week, I ring the national number for my appointment and my gp surgery to find out what has happened about my appointment. Both have failed. Gp to let me know the password to access an on line appointment and the hospital because they think it is on line so don’t send letters. And I find my appointment with a gastroenterologist and hepatologist is tomorrow so I have to take time off at short notice. I despair of this country, I really do.
And then on way home at bus stop I see the chap I took a bit of a shine to, then put myself off him a while ago. We have a chat and introduce ourselves. That was a pleasant end to a shite day. The aftermath of gambling can last the rest of our lives.

[Monica1]

I don’t sleep, I wake up to phone calls and knocking on my door from the enforcer who won’t go away wanting to serve me with attachment of earnings papers from a ccjs one year ago. Eventually he goes away not wanting to listen my story only wanting to serve me papers from the court. Last year when this happened they did go away saying they would call it all off. realise things happening quickly in succession can cause our mental health to spiral downwards. I email work telling them I have to deal with an urgent private matter in the morning and go to my planned hospital appointment in the afternoon.
I email gma as I can feel myself spiralling into the pit of despair when everything piles in all at once. I get an immediate response, ty, and some help in the form of an outreach appointment later in the afternoon.
I decide I must face this head on, and ask my creator for help. These things, constant, over years and years, are so draining on ones wellbeing.
I phone the revenue, and they have made a mistake, they cancelled all my tax free allowances as My estimated income in their view is I am a high earner over 100k. That is laughable as I don’t earn anywhere near that. They apologise and say they will rectify it ASAP. That was a relief, I could not carry on working as I do with the long hours for the amount they took this month.
I ring the enforcers solicitors and explain my situation. They call off the court enforcement action for a while. This takes all morning to do and then I go to my appointment.
Now two and a half years on I see a gastroenterologist and hepatologist. He agrees with me and thinks misdiagnosis of IBS! Can you believe that two and a half year’s on? He says well done for treating yourself with the diet.
M did the right thing. The lesion on the liver is common he said, nothing to be concerned about but I have classic symptoms of pancreatic enzyme insufficiency in that I cannot digest anything with a decent fat or sugar content and that the lesion on the pancreas needs a scan. The weight loss since May of two stone he also thinks is attributable to the diet but better safe than sorry. This is not cancer I don’t think and if it is then I am finished.. The ultrasound three months ago said rare haemangioma which is fat and new blood vessels but only about 11 ever diagnosed in the literature since the 1930s. The scan of one year ago fatty lump and small. So some tests on pancreatic enzymes and a scan.
I have a 5pm outreach call and it is very helpful. Ty gma. They will try and help me with the big debts and also support me through the tests on the pancreas. How wonderful to get some help.
My sons girlfriend realising I haven’t eaten all day buys me bread and hummus and is cooking now.

[lizbeth4]

All I can say is, WOW! First, concentrate on your health!! I can’t imagine waiting 2 1/2 years to see specialists. I hope you get all the tests AVAILABLE to see what’s going on.
I don’t know your laws there concerning past debts. They can get very aggressive here if they think you have any assets. I’ve had to settle with a few companies before it was brought t o court. I only did that because I would have incurred more fees and additional hits to my credit.
I’m happy to hear that GMA was able to be supportive and help you. The aftermath of gambling is awful. I’ve only been able to make progress digging out as I try to live on a very tight budget and my consolation company has helped a lot.
I’m praying that you can find some type of resolvement with the revenue. Don’t let this take you down! You’ve come too far !

[Steev]

Sorry to hear how you are being bugged by creditors, especially when you are unwell.  Good that you are finding support from GMA and have managed to get some sense from the tax people.

I am so pleased that I don’t have the money worries any more – but as you know I am experiencing health problems.  So far all the medics want to do is more tests when what I want is some sort of remedy!

I find it a little sad that at a time when my health, energy and income were all at a high – all I could think about doing was playing machines.  But at least I found the wherewithal to stop – as you have and all I can think to do now is help people who also want out of this gambling hell.

I wish you all the best on your health journey – I hope that you can get to a place that feels right for you.  I hope that there can be some resolution to your money worries so that the stress isn’t adding to the worry you must have about your health.

Look after yourself and take up the support when you need it.  You deserve it.

[Monica1]

Worked till 9pm as on deadline as missed the day yesterday. Finished what I had to do. Got home just before 11pm. Felt unhappy. Pancreas, the sweetness of life, where is the sweetness?
Woke up early and read through my threads. There have been some happy, enjoyable days but lots of challenges and probably more not so good days, on balance.i have had more good, productive days at work than bad though. Although I often think why am I doing it. Don’t feel as sad as I did last night after a good nights sleep. Us humans always need hope for a better day. And to be honest I have had some very nice days, my granddaughter’s play this year, times spent out with Pete, my Beauty shop friends and things, the spa break with my daughter. The diet and how it has helped enormously. The common theme here is family, doing things with the family even if sometimes it might be challenging.
Very reflective. I think I need a better job to come along or maybe I should still c o unt my blessings. I was offered and accepted this job at 61. Yes, it’s tough but I don’t get bored there really, always stuff every week.
i am meandering a bit but i am reflecting on the best step, and how to bring the sweetness and joy of life back.
I am glad to have reached out for support from gma. I think it will help me to do what I need to re finances. I cannot leave the world, whenever that happens, and leave this mess with my children.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I don’t post very much at the moment (doesn’t seem to be right forum for me just now) but I do read your thread. You have completely turned your life around and I am so glad to read that your health has improved. I really appreciated the times you were there for me in chat and on my thread when I was struggling.
I am sure you often feel overwhelmed by your financial situation – well done on reaching out for help.
You talk about changing your job. You are happy where you are and your enjoy the work. I guess the question is how much extra will you need to earn to make a significant difference to your debt? There is something about routine and certainty that makes life more manageable. Will the the difference in salary have a huge impact on your finances or could you be switching debt stress to work stress?
You are so right about family – they are what life is all about . As I progress in my recovery I am starting to feel again and that feeling of love and being wanted is replacing whatever it was that gambling gave me .
You have had many great experiences and you will have many more -m – I think perhaps once the decision of how to proceed with your financial situation is made you will feel a huge sense of relief .( regardless of what that decision is ).
What would you advise me to do if I was in your situation ? Remember to treat yourself with the same kindness. Something I found very helpful was writing a kind letter to myself . Could you write to yourself as a dear friend and gently advise about this situation? Would you insist your dear friend pays every penny back because she made a mistake in life or would you encourage another solution?

I hope you find my post helpful Monica – you deserve to Be free of this financial burden and to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to rebuild . I hope we meet in group soon x

[Monica1]

I read your posts straight away and ty for them. I had a quiet weekend changing everything summer and putting away and getting the winter wardrobe out, washing and cooking, so exciting plus having a massage and facial as per usual. I feel vaguely unhappy and have felt so for the past two to three weeks. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, maybe a combo of everything.
I will head towards an IVA but it is unfortunate that because of the loan charge and actions surrounding it, it may be one or two years before I know whether I am liable for a large amount.i think I feel trapped because work in my field there isn’t any and pay rates are plummeting. Yes, it is that feeling of being trapped because I have always known that going perm might bring this out in me. I am used to self direction. People are whispering at work because I have lost two stone in weight since May and know they are gossiping, I put a notice On my noticeboard saying my bmi is 24, healthy weight although upper,limit of healthy and asked my team what’s theirs. All truth be known are in the overweight and obese category. I felt better a little after I did this. The thing about my diet is that it keeps me well, although the side effect is weight loss.
So all in all, feeling unhappy. Not wanting to feel unhappy and wondering what is to be done about it.

[Monica1]

Well, last night I think I realised that a lot of my issues aside from the obvious ones are down to uncertainty. I don’t like uncertainty even though a big part masters degree training was around dealing with uncertainty in business. I did not want to feel the way I did so I did something I had not done in a very long time, had a psychic reading. It was very sweet, I chose someone who put God at the centre and there will be a way forward. That’s as much as I will say. I like continuity. So with uncertainty you cluster themes. My themes around which there are a few are
Debt which could take many more years to sort out to even identify if I owe another huge amount as there are legal battles going on
Health, don’t know outcome of tests yet suffice to say my diet has helped so much. I introduced a bit more food yesterday and today, I over the last few weeks has been extended through delays and transport difficulties on all transport systems, trees on the line, one escalator main tube station, queue taking an hour to go through. Enough is enough, I will keep an eye open for local. I have had enough. Not that there is any work but something has to come up somewhere. Casting my net in an empty sea but Jesus worked that miracle so let’s see.

[Monica1]

I had Friday off and was welcomed with a court summons on a very old debt and a phone call saying I am being investigated for tax fraud, press 1 to make a payment. A scam. They have somehow gotten hold of all of the details of the loan charge action group membership. I spend the weekend outlining my debts and I and e. March 2020 is the best time to declare bankruptcy. I fit in a reflexology treatment on the Saturday. She says my pancreas is ok, although they r not allowed to diagnose and reels off 90 per cent correct on some minor problems I have that don’t cause a problem. On Friday I have a brief call with outreach at gma.
I spend Sunday wading through the debts I know about and my I and e. I start along letter to the inland revenue but don’t complete it. I cook dinner and my granddaughter visits. She is back on track now and in college studying beauty, English and maths. It is nice to see her. I catch up with Pete on the phone. That is my weekend.
Facing the debt carnage of over five years is not easy and the letter I write describing events is painful. I will attempt to start making repayments. Whichever way I look at it, even bankruptcy will take a huge amount of my income every month for as long as I can continue to work through to retirement with no pension, so best to start trying. I do have left over monthly income.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
You have so many positives in your life – it is lovely that your granddaughter drops by and Pete is a great friend.
I know you have sought debt advice but now that you have earnings have you considered seeing a good debt lawyer- I know my experience with step change was that they used a computer program , entered my information and came up with really useless advice that didn’t suit my situation . I don’t think he person I dealt could do anything more than read the results the computer threw up!

Perhaps you have done this already.

I hope whatever decision you make gives you relief from the worry of it all
Xx

[lizbeth4]

I hope you find a way to lessen the burden of your debts! That carries so much stress which isn’t good for your health. You do have a lot of positives in your life! You’ve came so far, don’t let this weigh you down.

[Monica1]

Been a while again since I last posted. Two days off in October have been spent dealing with my debts, writing them all down, what can be disputed, in fact two of them can. I respond to a court summons and a letter from inland revenue saying court proceedings to start. I ring them and offer to start paying instalments, they say no until full liability sorted out which will take months. I insist on starting end October, I need to string out the bankruptcy till March as best time to file. I write a long letter to the inland revenue and feel incredibly sad writing it. I download all my bank statements from 2017 when I changed banks and find my last gambling stint on there but nil since, which is good. I have a short phone session with outreach gma which I find helpful. I don’t need long but having someone to discuss how I feel helps me. Of course, dealing with the debt triggers stomach pain for a couple of days. I find the debt as always have done incredibly draining and depressing. It feels like all my adult life been dealing with this.
I go for a smallish debt and they again don’t want anything until priority debts dealt with. Honestly, the court summons and lawyers over a store card have been really unpleasant over a reasonably small debt with the court summons and not listening to another one being so nice and not wanting payments till all sorted. Whether bankruptcy or paying off till pos retirement, they are both virtually the same although with. Bankruptcy bank accounts r frozen and I don’t like the sound of that. I have kept my new bank account clean and want it to remain that way ie want to stay with them. Sorting this all out will take many months and I am two years and nearly three months gf. It goes on and on.
One thing made me smile. In the consultants letter received this week, he said I was very knowledgeable about medicine. Yep, missed my vocation this time round.

[Steev]

Even if the news sounds a bit grim.  I had ten years of dealing with debt AFTER I had stopped gambling – so I am aware of the worry etc. and mine was not as severe as yours – and I knew I had a get out (selling up or equity release.)  I think that it is great that you are facing things head on and not burying your head in the sand.

Try and balance this painful work with things that give you joy.  I know I found some relief from the worry of debt when I went out walking – although I often had to practice mindfulness to stop my mind from going over and over things.

I am interested in the link between what is going on for us and our gut health.  I have begun to believe that my recent health relapse was because of continually moving and being stable for all of 3 weeks has seen an improvement.  I am travelling on Tuesday to my next place (Vannes) and I shall see how my gut reacts!  Thank you for all your support around that  – I found our conversations really useful. Yes maybe you did miss your vocation – but I for one appreciate your wisdom.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting, glad our conversation helped. I don’t have a getout unfortunately. I often wonder why I have nothing to show for a lifetime of work, even before the gambling. Although if I had not gambled I would be debt free and probably own a home. I still haven’t given up though which is the main thing.

[lizbeth4]

Like Steev said, if at all possible try to find balance . Something that I’m working on right now! You’ve been through so much. I know you will get through this also. Wishing you the peace that you deserve.

[Monica1]

I tell my son dinner is there but going out so won’t be cooking today. I meet with Pete, first time in four weeks, I am 15 mins early, he is ten minutes early. We go for a Sunday roast, have a good chat and he sees me to the bus to go home, we flirt a little with each other and he gives me a big smacker when I leave. A nice time and I feel warm Inside. My son rings to say sorry he didn’t cook today. I say no matter, went out to eat. Who with he asks.pete I say. I know he doesn’t like it but by now he must know how I feel about him still.

[Emma8]

I’d just like to say, in the midst of the difficulties you’re having surrounding your debt, congratulations on making it to well over two years gambling free! Unfortunately I relapses last week. Reading your journal is a big inspiration for me and an encouragement to keep going one day at a time. I’m going to make an effort now to pay down what I can, even if it is a tiny amount here and there. It makes me sad that long after we make the decision to leave gambling, many of us have a debt hanging over our heads. It’s painful but it can be dealt with. I wish you all the luck and hope that your efforts don’t go unnoticed. You will make it through to the other side x

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Thank you for your post on my thread . It is nice to read that you have good times despite the debt.
Pete is a great constant in your life and it always lifts you when you spend time with him. Sometimes kids forget that us mums need a life outside them – I guess we did too good a job making them feel valued and important to us.
Life sounds good Monica!

[Monica1]

Nice to hear from you both. Well, life this week a challenge. It didn’t start well, having to get off a packed tube after feeling unwell on the Monday but I did have a nice tube worker help me out. Feeling tired and exhausted and running in empty. Work full of niggly issues and queries, nothing major.
I don’t know of many people who aren’t struggling with debt and daily,living in the U.K. these days, country is broken. I get a statement from inland revenue with thousands in penalties. I so struggle with the debt issues.
This week
My sister texts me to say mum in a lot of pain with her hip and can’t get to docs. My sisters joints are bothering her and to be honest so are mine this week. All those falls on my knees over the years and they are a little red and ache a lot. That is a first for me.
My daughter has taken my youngest grandson out of school for bullying and asks for help with a home schooling pack which costs 300 quid. I say no initially and then do it. He is the type of boy who doesn’t fit in school and may well be on the spectrum, a lovely, very sensitive boy, like my daughter.
My eldest asks for 200 quid, I say no to that and cook him dinner as he hadn’t eaten all day and give him 20 quid, my bank balance now not as healthy as it was but payday this week.
The final straw cAme last night when I cooked dinner and dropped the lot on the floor taking it out of the oven so no dinner for anyone, I feel undercurrents of emotion in me and know I am tired and need a rest.
I don’t sleep and wake up so tired today with knees aching so much I can barely walk around. The constant rain isn’t helping everyone in the family’s joints I guess. I take the day off sick. I listen to elevation worship and weep a bit. In early recovery when I first gave my life to Christ, I would weep a lot, and it removes the layers and pain we feel in our hearts. It is a therapeutic thing. If anyone gets the chance to listen to elevation worship on u tube you will feel same, although probably less blubbing than I do, beautiful music.
I feel strong enough to go to the shops and get some lunch in the pouring rain. This afternoon just resting. I know that for the past few days I feel like there isn’t much in the tank but 24 hours rest should do it. I am armed with vitamins and ibuprofen gel.

[i-did-it]

Monica
For the first time I am beginning to understand the consequences of going bankrupt. It goes way beyond the actual debt you are paying and can affect further opportunities in life . I never really understood this before and therefore I never really fully understood why you have been putting it off. It is a huge decision and I understand why it weighs so heavily. Will it affect your current employment?

I hope everything else in life is good good. It sounds like you’re grandson was in the wrong placement. Perhaps he can find an education out of school (EOTAS) placement -my understanding is that local must provide at least part time education for children but I’m sure your daughter is aware of this .

https://notfineinschool.org.uk/education-alternatives

This website might help.

That’s about it Monica – hope the sun so shining where you are .
Onwards and upwards XX

[Monica1]

Always nice to hear from you and thanks for the website advice. I will pass it on to my daughter.
This weekend I have slept a lot, have a slight cough and still not feeling great. I don’t generally,sleep well and since a reflexology treatment yesterday have slept excessively, most of today.
Yes, bankruptcy is not an easy decision. I think it is the freezing of the bank account that bothers me most. But I have lent my kids a lot in the last year and have said that will be the time to repay. I think because of this hanging over me I am less careful with spending than I should be. On Friday I worked half a day from home not being able to go in but spent quite a lot in the evening for a on another computer game, still nothing like gambling but it is indicative of how I am feeling in that the more I am pounded with the debt issues, I seem to become unwell as a result and adopt somewhat self destructive behaviours even if only mildly, which this is ie no damage done. But I recognise my compulsive escapist nature when I have pressures I can do nothing about with organisations that don’t listen.

I won’t gamble though.

[Monica1]

Struggling along, back at work but awful coughing fits. I am not alone in this though, spreading round like wildfire. Some have also had joint problems as I have so this years flu round, affecting joints. Some have developed it immediately after having a flu jab. Dosing up on lemsip max just to keep going. Contacted by support at inland revenue so have kicked off that long process trying to coordinate the constant letters from four different parts.
Also booked a week off week after next and a short spa break in Devon at an expensive beautiful spa overlooking the sea. Need to recharge the old batteries.

[Monica1]

Struggled to get through work this week but managed it just about sneezing, runny nose and coughing and spluttering. although on Friday working from home felt very rough. Day 9 today and like last winter, still have chesty cough and tired. So went to my Chinese herbalist today as the Chinese herbs are good at helping with such things but unfortunately not the gut issues I had.
I went to the posh shop and spent a few hundred. I have a habit of spending lots of dosh on nice clothes and I wonder if that and the computer games (which I only spent a tenner on this week) are my gambling substitutes.
I got a tax rebate, a small one for the year I was ill and in rehab. It is the next two that are the biggies with thousands owed. They did it in a week, down to copying my mp in to the letter I sent. I think I spend money I have because of bankruptcy looming, I spend and enjoy what I have. And I do enjoy it, I really like wearing smart clothes and doing the massages and facials. For me it is therapeutic.

[i-did-it]

Monica
There is little point in being in recovery if we can’t enjoy it – I love to hear you bought nice clothes – I have bought a new long dressy top this week and a new coat – they are cheapies but so much nicer than washed out clothes .

I can’t yet manage (financiallY) massages and facials although I have found myself googling weekend retreats!
I hope he medicine works and you feel much better – flus seem to have got a lot worse in recent years but maybe that just me getting older . Take care xx

[Zero no hero]

I can help you with your gut issues.  I went thru these problems for yrs and yrs, couldn’t swallow properly, regurgitating food sever heartburn hyper active tummy IBS you name it I had it , awful.  I tried the docs the cosultants  the meds and all the alternative treatments that I could find , none of it worked. None nothing.   However I am happy to report that I no longer suffer with any gut issues whatsoever . It has been 5 yrs now and counting.  Firstly you must understand what is causing it and in almost every single case with the exception perhaps of inherent or genetic disease the cause is INFLAMMATION . 

This is caused mainly by carbs and and not just from sugar, but from bread ,pasta , potatoes, even an excess of fruit and veg  believe it or not. 

To cut to the chase what you need is to adopt are 2 things the first is a KETOGENIC diet.  This means you are burning fat for fuel instead of glucose, google it, maybe join a facebook group and basically just try it, my symptoms eased within 2 days and all but disappeared within 10 days never to return.   I can tell you that if you were to try it you will be sorted, can’t hurt to try.  People immediately think “oh it’s too much meat and eggs etc , I react to those foods”  what they are missing though is that it is the combination of sugar and fat and not just the fat alone that is causing the reaction in your body.  Honestly try it.  What you need is an elimanation diet to begin with , cut out everything say except meat and eggs and see how you get on, I think you may ne shocked as to just how well you will feel, then re-introduce foods one at a time and see what is causing your flare ups. I would totally dith the chinese herbs etc, the body is trying to protect you from the toxins within these strong plants,  they are effective but  hugely Inflammatory.  Plants have a natural defence mechanism, just like us they don’e actually want to be eaten!  So in evolutionary terms it is because they do not wish to be over grazed in nature.  Obviously I am not saying don not eat any plants ever again but just see how you react as you place them back in your diet.  

The second phase of your recovery is to start intermittent fasting, yes that’s right it’s the dreaded F word.  Many people now realise how HUGELY beneficial fasting is for their entire wellbeing,  start at 16 hrs and increase slowly, paying attention to how you are feelingbut do not be scared as hunger comes in waves.   See when we fast we go into a process known as “autophagy”  (in latin it  literally means to eat thyself)   what is happening is your body is recyling the old  cells and putting them to work as such, it is a renewal process.  This combination of a Keto or just a low carb diet (strict elimiation at first though even for just 3 days) along with the fasting protocol will reset your body and even spirit (we all have read about fasting of Jesus , Mohommed etc ) I have fasted for upto 6 days and you just feel a deep sense of belonging ..of rejuvenation.  Remember also that since the dawn of man hundreds of thousands of years ago that food was not always available, think about this, only in the past centuries has food become abundant, up to that time people often fasted…not because they bloody well wanted to but because they had no choice in the matter !  Now we are talking over half a million years of evolution here, isn’t is logical that the body would adapt to these periods of scarcity?  Isn’t is also logical that the body has not really changed a whole lot over those milennia and yet here we are eating 3 square meals a day and loads of snacks for the first time in our long history?  The results of adopting these 2 regimes are astounding, there have been documented cases of a reversal in not only type 2 but even type 1 diabetes as an example along with many other diseases.  

Just thought I would chime in as you have helped me a lot with your advice on my own in my gambling journey and I would like to offer you my advice as I have become very wellversed in it’s numerous benefits.  All the best.  Jon.

PS here are some useful links,   also watch “The magic pill” on netflix, that is a real eye opener .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAmLDpTP18o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnyFVWwzgJI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w9dfYUD6-E

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you both.
Jon, ty for your advice, unfortunately not the right advice for me. I am fat intolerant so ketogenic lethal for me,tried it when I knew less about triggers for my stomach and gut issues. Didn’t lose a lb and it made me sick. I eat small meals now. The tests I am having are for pancreatic enzymes ie the ability to digest fat and sugar and I have a lesion on my pancreas that needs closer examination. My guts are stable at the moment on a low fat, low sugar, no dairy diet.
Had to stop taking the Chinese herbs this week as like last time quick on the cough but bad stomach pain which stops when I stop them.
My scan this week did not go well, the usual faffing about for a vein for 40 minutes and then they gave up. In the scanner for ages in what might not be a diagnostic scan without the contrast. Bought books this week and have read a lot. Books and Shopping r my. go tos. My bank balance is much lower than this time last year but I have a spa break in Devon this week. Survived the work week and now have a week off. Yippee!
And you know what, the email re a tax refund was a scam from support at inland revenue. I didn’t reply to it and did one week later to find it had been taken down. This was a very realistic email and how did they know I was dealing with the support function there?
Had a great massage yesterday.

[Steev]

Thanks for the message on my thread.

Sorry to hear that things are problematic re them getting to bottom of what is wrong with your health – I hope that you can progress from the scan.

Sounds great that you are pampering yourself next week, I hope you enjoy your time in Devon.

Have started my fast. In 24 hours all the “procedures” should be over – so just for today I will not worry!

Enjoy your reading and see you soon!

[Monica1]

I am Ok really, my weight is stable now for 5 weeks and I may have gained a lb or 2. I eat oat flapjacks once a week and just this seems to stop the weight loss.
I know what I need to do to maintain my gut health and most of the time it works.

[Monica1]

So nice to wake up and not have work today although could not resist tuning into work email and answering a couple. So pottered about playing a few games and then made best use of free time dealing with debts which go on and on and on.
Rang the inland revenue, now there is a person who is coordinating all the 4 different bits I am dealing with. We have a plan for a way forward which will take months to unravel. But it is a step forward even if it ends up in bankruptcy.
Got the result of the court case today, I won initially but the law firm appealed and now an immediate demand for 500 pounds. I rang and put that off saying I need time to pay, just before Xmas as well. But the original debt was for 1000 and I only admitted to 500 on the basis that there had been a nearly 5 year gap in between being notified and change of debt collectors etc. So I won on the basis that the amount was reduced. But this is so small in the great scheme if things and I don’t understand why I have to pay an immediate demand for a non priority debt.
I am becoming quite knowledgeable now on managing debts and the courts.

[Monica1]

In recovery it is good to make the best of each day and do something productive Although every one has veg out days. Still nice to wake up to no work.
I should have met up with Pete over the weekend, but he did not respond to my texts. Last night I watched hope springs, a story about a post middle age marriage where there is no affection or physical contact sleeping in separate rooms. They go into therapy and eventually make a breakthrough.it makes me feel a little sad as that was pete and me when together. And I continue to wonder why after eight and a half years I can’t move on.
I do one test I should have done six weeks ago today when up at the clinic. And go into town to drop things off. And then I go through tax affairs 18/19. I am used to this making me feel sad which it really does. It is like two years three mo this in recovery dredging up the damage and dealing with it which will take many months.
Possibly because of the sadness on the way home I go and spend money on things I like and need, a winter coat as my old one is too big now, I feel a little guilty and wonder why I spend so much. Will look at that in my next outreach session.

[Monica1]

Today I travel down to Devon 1st class, apex fare which costs same as 2nd, just booked in advance. I take a slow train and change at Exeter, it takes about six hours. I start the journey in beautiful sunshine and end it in darkness and pouring rain, so much so that I cannot see the gorgeous Devon coastlinE. I appreciate the beauty of the season, the sun goes down so early but the colours of autumn succumbing to winter I so appreciate.
And I find myself in the most amazing place. I am in a suite with a beautiful coal fire with a bedroom upstairs with the sea ten feet in front of me. Omg it is so beautiful. I have dinner which is very nice. Pete calls me and I say you must come see this, it is dog friendly. I vow to come down in spring. It really is the most gorgeous place, even better the cornish spa I took my daughter to in the summer. Today it feels good to be alive, to be able to enjoy beautiful coastal nature in such an amazing place. And for once, I have taken my iPad which I never do, hence posting.

[i-did-it]

Monica – that sounds like complete bliss,
Enjoy it xx

[Gamblingblows577]

Congratulations on 300 days GF. I am at 215 and struggling to stay away but know how much gambling can damage us. Here’s to making it to 1 year!

[Gamblingblows577]

Congratulations on 300 days GF. I am at 215 and struggling to stay away but know how much gambling can damage us. Here’s to making it to 1 year!

[Monica1]

I had a nice reflective week off, cAme back yesterday, smooth and shorter journey back. The space I stayed in was cozy with a lovely built in fire in the wall. Would like to live there….
took only a handful of cigs down with the intention to go cold turkey. I lasted till the afternoon of day 3 when I climbed a road with a massively steep incline up a cliff edge. Warnings for infirm or elderly not to do it. It was around 500 metres and I stopped four or five times and eventually got to the top. Most exercise I had all week and my legs ached after and still to today. On way down I was almost run over by a tractor, the driver of which thought it funny. Reported it, council workers digging up the unstable road. The cliffs in front of me had eroded with some houses having fallen into the sea. The hotel said they had a list of complaints against them. Had a couple of spa treatments which were ok but not as good as my local salon and more expensive. But despite that, I had a ice relaxing time, I love staying a few feet away from the sea, although the weather was a bit rough.
Having looked up whether I am eligible for a state pension and I am with over 40 years of full contributions. And absolutely nothing to show for it. I have been examining my relationship,with money. Having spent most of life in the struggle to survive supporting the family eventually I started earning very big in 2009/10 and had my highest earning year in the year I had cancer, working from home on a number of projects. The rest is gambling history and only now am I facing the damage. I covered this in my outreach gma session on Friday. I am going to start by not spending anything in clothes until the January sales and to stop spending on computer games. I spent more than I should on my week off but I felt so cozy where I was staying I didn’t want to venture out and the restaurant and spa was 20 yards from my beach hut. I know I have to make the decision re bankruptcy in March, there is no getting away from that decision.
It is my eldest sons 38th birthday today and he also has gone away for a long weekend in Malta with his girlfriend.

[Monica1]

My week was ok and my weekend very pleasant.
Saturday I had my eyelashes done and went for an Ayurvedic consultation regarding my residual gut issues. I get stomach pain periodically but my Ibs type symptoms still well controlled on diet. They have asked me to be a patient for their trainees again and I enjoyed it so much last time I agreed. They made me laugh as they said I needed to get back and have a relationship, came out with lots of herbs and one in particular to get my base chakra working again, t9 attract a relationship, it is either Pete or move, and both Pete and I have not moved on, which is eight and a half years later.
Sunday lovely with hair cut and colour first thing, cooked Sunday lunch for my son and girlfriend and met with Pete in evening. It was again a nice time and we talked about the possibility of getting back together without putting any pressure on either of us to make that happen, just to see where things take us. He bought me a card and a gift not to open till my birthday on Wednesday. But he did talk about coming to see my mum at Xmas, and he always spends Xmas alone through choice, helping out at homeless lunches on Xmas day, this is a big change. He has done the same for many years that I have known him and all of a sudden seems open to coming with me st Xmas to my mums who he has always got on well with.

[vera]

Belated Happy Birthday, Monica.
My mind kept urging me to post a greeting to you on Wednesday, 27th but you know how uncooperative your hands become when they are doing the Devil’s work!
I hope the gift and card from Pete were to your joy and satisfaction X

[Steev]

I hope you had a great day!

[Monica1]

Well, broke the diet for a week. Cheap pub prosecco with Pete last Sunday gave me rampant gut ache Monday but my week was ok. Wednesday was a work day which went Ok and in evening my son and his girlfriend cooked for me a meal of my choosing and bought a nice birthday cake. Appreciated it all. Rang the hospital to chase my results and they said review mid January and if anything dodgy on the pancreas they would have called. So that is a good sign.
On Friday worked from home and glad I did as I commute into London Bridge and was fairly shocked by events to the extent that I forgot all about my gma call. Had very little to say until I get the revenue bill which is when the bankruptcy decision will happen.
Saturday had reflexology and trial run acupuncture for giving up smoking. Went out with Pete sat evening for a drink and an Indian. Could only eat chicken korma. Sunday I was a patient for students at the Ayurveda international centre again and it was great fun. All go at moment but enjoying it all.

[Monica1]

Mixed week, every time I have a day of feeling contentment something always seems to happen to throw it off which is annoying. I think it is called waiting for the other shoe to drop. The run up to Xmas is quite stressful. What is very annoying is when we buy online and await deliveries. This week found something just left outside the front door next to the busy road. How irresponsible, I also have to think about our light fingered neighbours too. This year I find myself less flush than last year because I chose stability over a large paycheck and took a reasonable drop in salary. I have spent a lot this year but have had a terrible holiday to the dr and 2 very nice short spa breaks in the U.K. right next to the sea. Both did me a lot of good, I feel happy with travels this year but have a holiday for my sister and I in mind next for 2021, very expensive. Involves the Venice simplon orient express. Despite my financial woes, as a result of gambling, I still keep my dreams alive.
I stopped the Ayurvedic medicine after one day as upset my stomach and had a full blown attack on the Wednesday that I have not had for many months. Couldn’t move from home and I guess was down to breaking my diet quite badly in birthday week. It was a setback, no doubt about that, lasted four hours and was intense.
The good thing about this week is the grandsons are here this weekend and are moving back to London from Scotland soon. My son sees it as the first stage in getting his life back. Three of my grandkids my son informs me r staying here from 20th through to 25th. That threw me into action mode. Omg, will need to do an Xmas dinner for the 24th before I head off to my sisters and my mums. That motivated me. This will now be my third Xmas since I have been on the gma site. I cannot help but give thanks for my life, despite its challenges. There was a time I never thought I would ever come out of recovery intact.

[Monica1]

The next piece of great news is my granddaughter has the lead female role in a western musical. In west e nd theatre in February. So proud of her. She is still only 13.

[Steev]

Thanks for your post on my thread. Amazing news about your grand-daughter – you must be proud.

As a traveller I was interested in the Orient express idea. Sounds like the trip of a life-time.

It reminds me of when I went to Italy in the mid 1990s – when I was either still gambling or just stopped. I badly wanted to go to a conference in Tuscany but of course couldn’t afford it. But then thought “how can I do it on the cheap?” So I borrowed a friends tent and took a bus from London to Florence – overnight for 24 hours. One of the worst experiences of my life. I saw nothing – the only stops were at an underground carpark on the outskirts of Paris and then on a service station further down. Switzerland was in the dark – didn’t see a thing. The coach was uncomfortable – not enough leg room (and I am not tall) and the one toilet became unbearable after a few hours. I went by train from Florence to Sienna as it was cheap and wished I had taken it the whole way.

I camped in the grounds of the conference centre which had marble floors – cool in the 40 degree heat. They weren’t used to campers so the area I was given to pitch my tent was lumpy and it was so hot I couldn’t go there in the day. The trip back was a repeat of the outward one – except I had a row with one of the other passengers which festered for the whole trip. A nightmare – but that is what happens when you do things on the cheap.

I loved Tuscany though and will be back there probably in 2021. (Probably in Venice too.)

Sorry to take up so much of your thread with my story – but it reminded me of something else that I endured because of my gambling problem. I will get the train next time!

[Monica1]

Funny how things that are posted jog memories of things long past. In the early 000’s. I also attended a conference in Marseille. My daughter in law. Was broke and had some problems so I gave her my train ticket and I took the coach. 24 hours cramped with also no leg room, and I am tall. Never again. On return my legs were really swollen and took a day or two to go down. We live and learn those never again moments, and my poor daughter in law ended up staying in what she thought was cheap accommodation to find it was a very rough brothel with fights and all sorts going on….

[Monica1]

Today the grandsons left but not after fighting quite a lot. I get why mum is coming back to London, the youngest one has a lot of anger and I think she needs dad, ie my son to help with him. Xmas expensive for me this year and will clean me out but really it is hey ho. I haven’t had an Xmas at mine since the kids were in their teens, and now we will have it here from 20th to 24th with my son and 3 grandkids. That is quite something, I lent my daughter twenty quid as they r broke, my son in law not working at moment, and bought an Xmas tree and some m and s food for Xmas.
Money is to be spent and as bankruptcy is looming in March, what the hell….

[Monica1]

Cooked Sunday dinner and my middle son cAme round to eat it. Simple pleasures r the best. He is doing well and earning good dosh but has been gambling a bit after stopping after the boat gambling debacle. We checked credit scores, mine is very low with a lot of wrong and missing information and his is even lower. But he is paying his debts now and asked what I want for Xmas. He never buys anyone presents and doesn’t really do Xmas. Makes me smile.

[Monica1]

I haven’t posted for quite a while. As it seems to be, one step forward, two back it seems. Have had a couple of gut attacks, one particularly bad and while carrying heavy shopping on Saturday, my back went,which it has done before and resolved after a few days but has persisted this time. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday but today gave up and went off sick. Could not get an nhs physio appointment till February so going privately today. I find this all somewhat depressing, a reminder of getting older and wonder how long I can carry on like this. So, all the Xmas Prep not been able to do and that is even more depressing. My bank balance is the lowest it has been since I returned to work, have spent a lot on Xmas.
On the positive, only because I copied my mp in, the revenue have made some movements. 17 18 is done, nothing owed. 18/19 probably will be around 4K owed. They have called off the hounds for corporation tax as realised my company shut down end financial year 2015. It has taken this long to make them stop. The 30k owed in corporation tax they have let go of. Truth is i gambled it all away at that time, but at least that appears to be finished. It has been hard dealing with all this. I have missed every Xmas do at work, three of them.
On the positive side, my granddaughter stayed and it was lovely to hear her say I love you after she left. We don’t see each other very often as she lives in Brighton but we have a nice connection.
Very depressing not being able to get the tree up and sorted or clear the room. My son can’t help much either, as he is working hard physically outdoors. As it is, he has cooked a couple of dinners when I haven’t been able to.
I just carry on and completely disregard my age but all of this is a reminder. I can’t afford to stop working and go back to square one. I have been surprised by how tired I am these past few days.
But we carry on and hope for a better day.

[Anonymous]

3 salt baths and slightly less painful ty. Spent the day watching the Europeans which has been really good to watch this week and the great handmaids tale. Pete popped in briefly this evening and bought me some Vaseline. Nice…..

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. As we are about the same age, I understand your concern about your health issues. I am just amazed by your fortitude and resilience. I hope things are better for you soon. Glad that you had some good news from the revenue. Aren’t Grandchildren the best? No matter what kind of day I am having, just to hear, I love you, makes your heart melt. Wishing you a merry Christmas!!!

[Steev]

Sorry to hear about your back – I get lower back pain from time to time and I know how debilitating that can be. Hopefully the physio will sort it.
Good news about your tax though – does this mean that you will not have to seek bankruptcy? I do hope so.

My last minute digs in Nantes seem ok. They are small and dark – but the plus point is that they are a stone’s throw from the River Erde – so I can walk along the riverbank every day – bliss. I won’t be on the site as often now as I have decided to do some on-line English teaching. It doesn’t pay very much but it will help me feel that I am not going to run out of money before I get my pension. I hope you get well soon – and have a good Christmas and New Year if I don’t talk with you before.

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you both.
Yesterday was a very strange day, I just wasn’t firing on all cylinders and found myself getting my words muddled at physio. It was helpful though and now on back rehab programme. Lumbo sacral mechanical back pain with spasm and strained right knee ligament, from all those times I have fallen on my knees.
Ah well, onward and upward.
Well, no steev it doesn’t mean I won’t go bankrupt. There is the small matter of 30k from 13/14 and the three years I owe still but not worked out yet.
I had a shorter work day today. Still feeling tired and now missed the 4th Xmas party.

[vera]

Physical pain does strange things to the mind, Monica.
I hope the rehab programme works.
Do you get a week’s leave over Christmas?
Would pain killers (if you’re taking them) have caused you to be muddled?
Rest should help but I know how frustrating it is to be looking at the space where the Christmas tree should be and not be able to erect it.
Would you call on Pete to help or is he persona non grata in your house?
Knowing you, it will all level out.
Money worries are linked to back pain as per Louise Hay.

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you. I think the back was purely down to carrying very heavy bags of shopping but I note the Louise hay link.
Well, everyone off sick at work. Things seem to be falling apart. I had to rewrite something a colleague made a complete hash of, he was very exposed by me being off, I knew he would be, and I have to do something about it now.i have been covering him for way too long and doing his job for him. Not very comfortable with that. Energy is very strange this year, exhausted type energy in the collective. I know this type of energy, it is when crap happens… or sudden not always good events.
and sure enough my brother in law fell today, was confused and disorientated. He is in hospital with a blood sugar of 55, normal 5, he now has developed type 1 diabetes to add to his woes.
But my granddaughter is staying the night. After Xmas I have to have a good think about what I am doing. Not happy really.

[Monica1]

Qualifies as the most insane day of the year and coincides with it being the shortest day too, we move towards the light from today onwards. Hurrah.
Today, mislaid my purse and then went to the shops without my bank card. On the bus on the way a mentally unwell teen kept shouting news stories verbatim about stabbings. I felt quite sick when i got off. I get home with my son having a row with my ex and my ex drags me into it. My son wants him to own how abusive he was and he never will, saying my son is gaslighting him. I reel off about ten occasions when he was abusive to me and say my son is right but really you must mov on both of you. I then get called a whore basically. I don’t feel engaged wit it or angry, I find it vaguely amusing that he is dragging things up from 25 years ago. He then texts and eventually gives up saying we were done a long time ago. Yes, that’s right,I say. Calling me that, just like my dad did as a young girl when I have been as pure as the driven snow for nearly nine years ago. He left it saying I will leave you to your prayers, his way of ridiculing my higher power and faith in Jesus. Honestly was a Palava.
Then my sister texts to say her husband, nick, has deteriorated and has been put into a side room, they don’t think it is just type 1 diAbetes now. It doesn’t sound good, and I tell her to have courage,that it may be an infection on top. But I have had a feeling. The energy everywhere is quite insane.i really feel things like that.
My son and I then cleared the front room put a new rug down, he did all the heavy bits and we put the tree up for the first time in decades. Omg, it looks so amazing,I decorated it and then just sat and stared at it. It made me very happy.
Cooked a roast duck dinner, the grandkids came home from a party and had a sane telecon with Pete.
Bonkers day, but oh my, my tree is lovely.

The back is getting better but aches, my shopping bags were very light today, can’t do that again.

[kin]

Hi Monica,
You are a courageous lady and display high emotional sobriety. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

[Monica1]

Was due to go to my daughters in herne bay today but really cannot carry the presents and local flood warnings with disruptions to trains across Kent, Surrey and Sussex. Have been landslides and actually a tornado in leafy Surrey yesterday. This has been the wettest and achiest bones autumn winter in history. So had to cancel.
My sister texts, nick does have an infection and is now on iv antibiotics and having a ct today because of his confusion. She is visiting today. My son goes to catch up on work and leaves the grandsons with me, I need to go out later.
On debts, I am now 2 years and 4 months gf an update of what is going to a long haul.
My old bank debt credit card have written to say not pursuing it but to call if I want to make a payment. Never had a letter like that. Maybe they can see the debt is all gambling, and they did nothing to help or stop it, that’s 11k.
On the court order, to immediately pay 500 pounds. Because I made a complaint they cannot now demand it u TIL revolved. Hurrah and I did win the case really as the judge went with my estimate of debt,not theirs, which halved the debt.
The loan charge government review is now out. It is complicated outcome and I think I will need to take advice before proceeding any further with that. But it helps some but not enough as in,and revenue were claiming payments going back to 1999 and the review has quashed that. 7 people have committed suicide over this nationally. It is now from 2010 which doesn’t help me. What does is they say ten years to pay if earned less than 30k in 2017 which was me in my recovery year and that they r not allowed to take any more than half disposable income and should avoid making people bankrupt. The review was very critical of the revenue. It doesn’t really help enough. Those poor folks who committed suicide over it. I have been there and after much angst, to do so over money owed, albeit large amounts, not worth it, but I can see how they were driven to it, as have felt that myself and I don’t own a home.
So, it is a very long haul indeed and I know I now need to take advice.

[Monica1]

Went shopping pm. Shops were packed and m and s food queue miles long. But what excellent quality. Finished shopping and cleaned out now till payday tomorrow. My son has had a raging toothache 2 days now. Grandsons went this early evening to other grandparents. Back Xmas eve when 8 said their presents will be under the tree.
Cooked lobster Thermidor for my son and the boys had already had pizza when I got home. Lobster overrated, there was hardly anything to it.
I really like to document these simple things as once upon a time I never had a tree and I havent cooked for my family in many years since they were small. So these things like the tree, and cooking for them are really important to me.

[vera]

Gazing at the Crib and the Christmas tree in awe and wonder is exactly what I do too, Monica. Despite all the toil and hardship in the lead up to Christmas, every worry suddenly pales into insignificance when we sit back and enjoy the fruit of our hard labour.
Advent is a time of anticipation and Great Hope when we rejoice in the coming of our Saviour
I love Christmas.
This is exactly opposite to how we view life following a day/night of terror and stress spent gambling.
When we have peace of mind, everything suddenly lights up and comes to life.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS Monica
( I will keep your brother-in -law in the Christmas prayers)

[Monica1]

Well, throughout December I have been plagued with gut problems without veering too much from my diet. However, one slice of cake on my birthday and day before yesterday ended up with a big problem yesterday morning.
Didn’t feel great when met up with Pete and Bailey for a drink last night. Stuck to a brandy as can’t really drink either. Very restricted. Filled the fridge with m and s Xmas food for Ben and the kids, so pleased my son cAme with me to pick it up, I would never save been able to carry it. My son saw the dentist, root canal infection, he has been in a lot of pain and self medicating with alcohol.
My brother in law is rallying, thank you for your prayers Vera. I have prayer him too, not this Xmas, no one can handle that. He has type 1 diabetes, and two infections hence his confusion. Not likely to be out Xmas, to be absolutely honest, it will be far better without his ocd curmudgeon attitude but I still wish him well and better.
Pete bought me three packs of cigs for Xmas, welcome and somewhat practical. Ah, the romance. He had plans for me to stay over but his elderly landlord put off till today going away so that put the kybosh on that. He was disappointed. Out of the blue saying goodbye he kissed me in the way a man kisses a woman. It was totally unexpected and is the first kiss in eight and a half years so felt strange to me. I don’t know how I feel about that and will reflect on it.
Aah well. He is helping me get to the station today.
I hope friends old and new on this site, has a wonderful peaceful and happy Christmas and a joyous, gf 2020.

[Monica1]

Was peaceful and pain free. All I could have asked for. Xmas day we had late lunch as my sister went to see her husband in hospital. He is still unstable with his blood sugars and awaiting mri result. Lunch was great and on Boxing Day my niece visited with my great nephew. Only downer was having to sleep in my brother in laws bed, my sisters home is so small. Made her change the sheets though on Xmas day. Not nice.
Had the best roast beef ever on Boxing Day and a bit of panacotta. And I was ok. Even had some cherry brandy and champers which we do every Xmas morn. Nice pressies too, Elemis, a watch and a beautiful jewellery box from my sister, angel perfume from my mum.
Rail replacement bus on way home so took twice as long. Both my sons were in eating the roast beef I got them so had another roast beef dinner. MY middle son said better than the Xmas dinner he had day before.
Spent last night watching back to back the sinner, which my son set up for me.and went for a facial today. Yes, Xmas was peaceful and lovely with just me, my sister and my mum. We didn’t miss my curmudgeon brother in law one bit but we all wish him better and well.

[vera]

Great to hear you had a healthy Christmas, Monica. Being unwell spoils everything.(Having a few “bob” makes a difference too).
You seem to have travelled quite a bit.
Did Pete change his mind about going with you?

[Monica1]

Lovely to get a post from you. Yes, he did change his mind. the church asked him to help with the homeless Xmas dinner as security which he did. I knew he wouldn’t which is why he surprised me when he offered. Pete just doesn’t do Xmas u less he is helping in a homeless shelter somewhere. The vicar said he is growing his wings, hmmmm. He did ring on Xmas day though and spoke to both my mum and my sister, longer than he spoke to me.
I was so grateful to be pain free over Xmas and today am taking antispasmodics prophylactically as I did mess with my diet yesterday eating an m and s dessert and a tiny bit of melted Brie in an en croute. I drank a lot of tonic water over Xmas, I think it may have an anti spasm effect.
Thank you for your prayers for my brother in law, he is being discharged tomorrow as long as he understands how to do insulin. Their diet will really have to change. My sister was drinking gin and champers like water on Xmas day and I told her she must reduce her intake which she did the following two days.

[Monica1]

I have had about six from different sites where I used to play. The gambling commission have suspended operations. Oh, how wonderful if could get it all back that was wasted on there. Dream on.

[Monica1]

Well, it has been a bit bumpy, as the Queen said in her speech. Went through my resolutions and aims for 2019 just now. I succeeded in a few of them.
Yes, I went to the Dominican and it was a holiday from hell, nuff said.
I did not lose 21 lbs, I went a bit better than that, 30 lbs through diet changes.
Managed to control whatever it is I have from May through to early December on diet but it flared badly in December,
I have had two lovely spa breaks in the uk, one with my daughter and one on my own. Both were very enjoyable.
I haven’t doubled my bank balance, it has been quite decimated this year by some overspending but have had lots of treats and clothes shopping expeditions.
I have begun to tackle the biggest debts but won’t know until end March my inland revenue liability from which I will make the bankruptcy decision. It all takes a lot of time and I will be paying debts for another ten years if that’s the way it goes.
Was it able to take my mum to Austria as her health still isn’t great and her mobility poor, so not sure about that one, a bit of a pipe dream.
I have enjoyed a stable job and income, but it feels like the spell has been broken on that one and next year I will be looking to increase my income.
Surprise of the year, my wonderful granddaughters acting career, hugely enjoyable watching her in Mary poppins and she is in a west end theatre with the lead female role in February.
I have started the journey with a teeth and am booked in for top teeth extractions in March. He has changed his mind on implants but I don’t have enough cash at present.
I enjoyed being a patient twice for the international al Ayurvedic training institute but I haven’t found their treatments to be of any use, made things worse, if anything lol.
I started the journey to give up nicotine but have not succeeded yet.
It was wonderful to have an Xmas tree and to cater for my sons for the Xmas period. We still haven’t all got together as a family and I hope that will change for next year. The more years this doesn’t happen, it seems the harder it gets to do. My mum has only met her grandkids once or twice and three of them, not at all. I don’t think she could handle it, to be honest.
Brexit dominated the year and in London, there was a huge depressive cloud when the tories got back in. Ah well… I am sure many will regret that decision in the years to come.
So remaining gf has brought a lot of positives. I hve not gone without at all in 2019, my faith is strong but even two years and nearly five months gf I will be dealing with the debt fallout for years to come.

[pamred]

Hi Monica,
I have just read through your thread and just wanted to say how inspiring it is, particularly reading your 2019 review. Today is day one for me of a second attempt.
Your positivity has, in a way, given me motivation that my 2020 review will be inspiring to someone else. I don’t usually set myself resolutions but I think this year I will actually write a list and ways to achieve my goals.
All the best for another gf year.

[Steev]

Your review of the year. I might do one myself! I hope you have a great 2020 – there are so many things that can be resolved one way or another, I hope these go the way you want them to! Here’s to the best 2020 possible.

[Monica1]

Over the Xmas period I play a lot of computer games and today have played compulsively. I play in the same way as I gambled. No drinks or food in that time. It is now 9.35 pm and have been playing since about 2. Have spent around 200 quid. Crazy but in some way I have been triggered. May be the emails from the suspended sites, around 6 of them.
Still no gambling but this is as close as it gets. Not huge damage but a waste. I will explore this in my next outreach session as play computer games as compulsively as when I was gambling. Maybe I am bored but I was meant to go out today shopping and didn’t.

[Steev]

My computer game playing is only to the level of free solitaire on-line and I don’t do that very often.  So I don’t have much experience in this area.  However I do know that I am compulsive at other things.  Luckily for me – they seem to be positive things – like my language learning, and now my teaching as I am committing myself to more hours than I need to.

I think the roots of all of these things is perhaps not looking at other areas of our lives which deserve attention.  I want to improve my creativity, through writing and photography for my blog.  I have the best of intentions – and it is always the thing I put off. 

Part of me thinks that maybe I should just accept it and go with the flow (i.e. the teaching and learning) and part of me things I should find a way through.

I suppose the big difference is that my compulsive behaviours are not costing me anything – indeed I am being paid to teach (though not a lot!)  I would be scared about losing money I can’t afford.  Talking about this in a counselling session seems a good way forward.  I know there is some discussion about game addiction and whether more support from sites such as this needs to cover that as well.  As I say I don’t know enough about it – but I did have a work colleague who was spending all his time outside of work gaming.  He has a mild stroke in his 40s – I don’t know if it was linked but that worried me.

I know that you will work this one out – and you know where to come to if you feel you need support.  Keep us posted.

[Monica1]

Good to chat with you, sean and idi in chat.
I will tune in to support more. Have done my review of 2019 and will do my goals for 2020 in the next day or so.
I am back at work tomorrow, just as well.

[Seanraj4731]

It was also great to see you on the chat.have  a bless day. Happy new GF 2020 

[Monica1]

and so we are entering a new decade and if 2010/2020 is anything to go by then the 2020’s should be pretty amazing. 2010 was a good year but 2011 brought cancer and it’s fallout, gambling addiction for five and a half years and destitution.
So it will be much better, I can feel that already.
In fact I have worked out major change, sometimes traumatic has always had a seven in it from 1967, 1977, 1987, 1997 2006 (bucked the 7 trend) and 2017. All of these very difficult years of change and loss.
So 2020 feels freeing up somehow. I have narrowed down the things I really would like to do, it was broader last year but I have really focused on what I would like to spend my time doing.
My goals and hopes:
Work
I will explore options of getting a better work and life balance, whatever way that will manifest. I spend too much time commuting and at work. My bank balance is much lower than it was at the end of 2018 so my income will increase doing work I enjoy and is fulfilling whilst allowing plenty of free time. It is possible.
Leisure
I will have more fun in 2020 and enjoy each day.
Study
I haven’t studied for a while, deliberately having given it a break, having done huge amounts in my lifetime. I will enrol for a dietary course I have been looking at for some time now explore drama therapy at CIty Lit, there is a taster in July. I will look at going to arvon creative writing retreats (thanks Steev). I will take up driving again, fed up with stinky buses and tubes.
Health
I will eradicate this gut condition and get a proper diagnosis which eludes still after 3 years. Will continue with the diet.
Debt
Bankruptcy or not will be known by end of March.
I will continue to make progress and inroads into debt issues, progress has been slow but steady during 2019. The big ones I have been avoiding I have started to tackle.
Teeth, sorted will be getting done in March
I will improve my core by doing things like Pilates
I will see about booking that Venice Simpson lake Garda break even if not this year.
House, to transform and shift rooms, the front room will shift to become bens bedroom and vice versa.
Family, we will all get together
I am also open to happy surprises, and lots of them in 2020!
Happy New Year, one and all!

[i-did-it]

Monica
I have been doing something similar using an app called “Vision board”. It is good to take stock every once in a while .

You are very good at sticking to plans and I have no doubt that you will achieve your list! I think perhaps you could have a section for “love” as things seem to be shifting in the area of your life also.

I hope 2020 is the best year ever for you
Xx

[Monica1]

Yes, 2020 feels like good shifting energy coming in. I worked New Year’s Eve as I always do, and find I can get a lot done. I work very well on my own, and really don’t like managing people that much. It got me thinking about how I have been limiting myself somewhat by settling. I felt a lot of creative energy coming in and I liked it. My eldest son is setting himself up in business. Kai, my middle son, has built him a website, emails and livery. I have said I will help with contracts, bookkeeping and company constitution. He already has a potential client. I think the time is right for him to do it. His company promise much and don’t deliver. He has a family to maintain and cannot do it on what he earns.
However, I have to acknowledge that a gaming habit has snuck in from November really when away at the spa and spent about 250 quid. The three days I was back from Xmas break I spent a lot, particularly last night as I spent New Year’s Eve alone, as I have done for the past three years. I didn’t mind being alone as I felt in a good mood and I had the usual call with Pete who I will meet up with later today. But in those three days I have spent a large amount of money on games. Gambling large. I have played compulsively and realised it is giving me the same hit as gambling. I have now stopped and a New Years resolution is to manage my money better and stop overspending. I may need help with that.
Today I have left it all alone and started the Xmas rubbish and box clear up. Ben went out partying and at around 5 am I was awoken, he had lost his wallet and I had to let him in. I felt for him. He has cold turkey Ed from antidepressants, weaning himself off but likes partying a little too much.
2020feels like a big shift in energy putting the past troubled decade behind us.
For some reason I find Xmas difficult. Ben thinks it is because I do the same thing every year out of an obligation to my mum and sister. He is probably right.
Well I have put on 2lbs over Xmas which isn’t much. If ever there was any doubt about how compulsive I can be, the gaming has shown me but you cannot block Facebook games. I have tried on many occasions.

[Monica1]

Felt very lazy today and cancelled the evening with Pete. Cooked a nice dinner for myself and my son and started the clear up post Xmas, slowly.
Just did t feel like going out but did look up financial coaching and applied for the healing diets course. Start as I mean to go on.

[zedhead1]

hi j

ust read your story wow just wow

how inspirational that was and hope it will give me who.s on day three the insentive I need .

thanks 

[Monica1]

Was quite a week. After Xmas nd the new year I had Been concerned at the amount I had spent on gaming which was way too much. It took a week but I have been excluded from Facebook gaming site.
On Tuesday 7th On Pete’s birthday met up fo a drink, he had a good day but said seeing me had topped it.
I had left my phone at work the night before but on weds am concerned calls from my sister who had been unable to reach my mum for 36 hours when they speak every day. By midday agreed she had to call the police. Turns out fire brigade, paramedics and police got in and she had fallen in the bath and been stuck there for 36 hours.. nothing broken but back and arm very bruised. She was admitted to hospital with intravenous fluids for dehydration and antibiotics for a chest infection. My sister visited her today and bought her food as she was discharged today having lost some mobility and being very bruised.
And on Friday I stayed over at Pete’s and my eight and a half year celibacy is over. That is all I will say about that.
On Saturday the grandsons stayed over, my son left me with them to go out. A mad Russian Who had got into an earlier fight tried to stab him at the end of the night but he punched his lights out and was unhurt. I have told my son to get his life in order. His girlfriend is pregnant again 16 weeks and it terrified him. The boys fought all weekend except when they were with me and they were well behaved.
What a week. And that is only the first week of January.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum.
That must have been so frightening for her. Thank God she is ok.
Congrats on no longer being **** free! Life is short and its for living and enjoying.
So you are to be a granny again- congrats on that good news also.
I should possibly self -ban from Netflix – I binge watch and what a waste this weekend was.

Take care xx

[Steev]

I’m exhausted just reading all that.

Glad to hear that you and your family have got through okay – especially your mum, that must have been a frightening ordeal.

I’m glad that you found a way of excluding yourself from Facebook games. I know it was the expense that was the concern for you.

It is interesting how people choose to spend their time and money on hobbies that others might see as an obsession. One friend I have spends all her spare time playing bridge. It doesn’t cost much and gets her out and about – but to me it would be so boring. Another friend goes to watch his football team in every competition home and away. This takes up an enormous amount of time and planning not to mention huge expense. Are they addicted – or just hobbies? I guess just personal choices and if they are not causing anyone (including themselves) any harm …

Some might say I am addicted to travel, seeing I am doing it all the time. To me it has now become a way of life.

I have nothing really to report on my first week in 2020. My life seems so boring in comparison. Off into Bordeaux centre later today – will have to come up with something exciting!!

Enjoy life – Monica.

[finding_laura]

Hi Monica,

Good to read you are doing well. I hope you enjoy your trip. You deserve the relaxation and rest. Take care of yourself!

Laura

[Monica1]

Lovely to hear from you Laura, and I hope we speak soon, although I think you might have been responding to steevs lost on my thread.
So this week very busy at work, January I March busiest time.
Updates on family
Mum is recovering from her 36 hour ordeal and can now walk again with the aid of the stick but is black and blue. An alarm and shower is being fitted by the local authority. She hasn’t had her hair done which she does weekly and it bothers her that she hasn’t. She thinks she might be able to walk down locally. Spoke to her. Yesterday, she is ok.
My brother in law isn’t doing great and has trembling legs. My sister is having to do everything for him as well as work full time and get over her chest infection.
My son was away this weekend delivering stuff to Holland and has just come back. A friend has given him a pram, car seat and Moses basket. Good stuff. A 17 week scan all good, due third week jUne. Grandchild no 6 and his 4th child.
This week the most upsetting thing was my friend with cancer texting me to say they think from a ct that it is in her lungs and liver. The news was delivered badly and then she is to have another scan as this one was deemed inconclusive. This upset me and I went back to computer game that I can’t get off my system and the company refuses to do anything about it. Didn’t spend a huge amount. Felt a lot better when I spoke to her today, she sounds ok and strong in herself. She has been having bleeds and transfusions and is now considering low dose chemo and radiotherapy. A very close friend of hers is an ex Gp and holistic practitioner. She keeps telling her to do natural therapies which had a detrimental effect on my friend, I said she is not her GP or oncologist and she has no right to influence her by telling her if she does chemo or radio then she will die. I think this a despicable abuse of friendship. I asked her if there is anything I could do to help and she said could I visit her next time in hospital. She finds cancer lonely and she has fevers intermittently. It would be an honour to do anything I can to help.
I have had a lazy weekend resting and just having family phone calls.

[Monica1]

Well, there is always bloody something each week of January This week on Sunday I have an allergic reaction to a facial as they changed how they do it, and have raised red patches all over my face. Had a hoo ha with the pharmacist who said looks like a fungal infection which I know is rubbish and then looks like burns. They wouldn’t give me anything.Took a day and a half to go with my gut and get antihistamines and today it is clearing. Lesson, pharmacists are meant to be the go to for minor things. Umm not, I said thanks for your unhelp. Salon mortified and rang me today to see how things are, will get a free treatment out of it.
Haven’t seen much of my son this week and I wonder if he is gearing up to move out.
Deleted the game I can’t get rid of which removes the memory of the app, so I won’t play and did my usual, bought books today to compensate.
Spoke to Pete and we will meet up over weekend.

[Monica1]

It’s strange in life how things can arise on issues we may never have quite dealt with. I stay in regular contact by text with my friend with cancer and have recommended some of the things that have helped me with my gut and immunity although today I had a small attack because I ate a bit of the big no no cheese yesterday. The healer I can’t stand for good reasons and who comes between my friend and I wished her well and I guess is touting for her to back and spend a lot of money. We both agreed that our friendship can withstand this particular man whom I really seem to react to. I just find him toxic so we agreed not to mention his name and a really awkward moment passed.
I am keeping to a budget now but went over on a monthly allowance for clothes shopping. Posh shop sale today so I just have to deduct it from my planned savings this month which won’t be much.
Had a facial today to get over last weeks disaster and one for sensitive skin.
Got home and distraught call from my sis who says mum in hospital again. She managed the local hairdresser but today went to next town to do her shopping and collapsed. She only shops m and s. Overdoing it. Even I use Ocado delivery now after hurting my back carrying heavy shopping before Xmas. My sister said she couldn’t possibly go as nick quite unwell and she has to do everything. I reassured her that she didn’t have to go, it is a 130 mile round trip. I am sure mum will be ok but dear me she has to slow down and get help with her shopping.

[Monica1]

My work week was good, hectic and strangely satisfying. Haven’t posted as my iPad was out for a few days, just wouldn’t charge. Took it to iPad hospital yesterday and it decided to charge. Hmmmph.
Mum is home and my sister will go there for the weekend. She is refusing external support but the council r acting quick to put an alarm in and modify her home.
Had yesterday and Monday off. I went to see my friend with cancer in hospital. We haven’t seen each other for some time although we have texted and speak regularly. She is now having fortnightly blood transfusions as the tumour is bleeding. They told her the cancer has gone to her lung with a large tumour but she is in reasonable spirits considering and looks ok but a little pale. She still has an appetite which is good. I got her some m and s food. They also said she isn’t strong enough for chemo and may try immunotherapy down the line. She was pleased about that. We had a nice chat but when I got home it is weighing heavily on my mind. She is 47 and has had so many challenges in life. They r keeping her in for palliative radiotherapy to shrink the tumour because of bleeds.
I have not spent any money on games but bought things for the house and am keeping to a budget and opened a savings account.
I am grateful for each day.

[i-did-it]

Monica
That is the saddest thing to see a friend suffer with such a horrible illness – The mental anguish must be even worse than the physical pain. We are blessed that we can make plans and have a good chance of being here to see them through. You will understand her plight more than anyone .

Despite feeling so sad as I read your post, I find myself thinking how wonderful Monica is not gambling and is able to be there for her- you can bring her nice food, you can afford the fare to go see her and you can afford a cup of coffee on the way home if you need time to decompress. I often think the best thing about not gambling is being able to be there for people we love during the worse times.

I hope your mum is ok when she gets home. I admire her insisting on her independence although I’m sure it is a worry for you. When we reach an age if we don’t use it we lose it so it looks like your mum has no intention of losing anything !

Keep strong Monica and keep looking after you xx

[Monica1]

Today all in all was a good day. Didn’t start off great with my friend calling me to say her stoma had failed and she was in a lot of pain. Eased with a synthetic opiate but she may need surgery urgently. I find myself thinking about her a lot.
Later went to see my granddaughter perform at her majestic s theatre. It was wonderful and just the ticket to take my mind off things. The entire clan was there, and even my grandsons went. Even though I bought a ticket when I got there I sat right next to my ex and his girlfriend. I mean honestly….
Met up with Pete for a drink in way home, which was lovely. He said the night we spent together was perfect, and do you know, it was. Today I am feeling blessed with the things money can’t buy.

[Monica1]

Another hectic week. My friend didn’t need surgery, it all started working and I went to see her on her birthday, her 48th Thursday evening. I bought her a cake and some wheatgrass juice, and bone broth, bought her 2 weeks supply of wheatgrass for her b,day. The nurses also bought her a cake and sang happy birthday. Docs panicked because she had a couple of bleeds but she didn’t panic. Radiotherapy started yesterday which should stop the bleeds.
My Friday was lovely. Worked from home, really busy with my head reeling with things to do, but Pete popped round for lunch, which I cooked, and a bath as he only has a shower at his house. My son was in Brighton with his girlfriend looking at flats. We spent the evening together and had a few brandies. It was a lovely end to the week having just got home just now. Just can’t help loving that man.
I have stopped gma outreach for now as I find I am Ok and will get back in touch when I have to go down the bankruptcy route which I have been trying hard to avoid. I have started paying a significant monthly amount towards just one years inland revenue debt. That will go on for through to retirement. a
ANd again I have a letter saying they won’t let my company be struck out by companies house five years after it was closed. All the money owed by my company went on gambling. So, I need to write letters again.
Enjoy each day is my motto these days and take everything one day at a time.

[Monica1]

Every time I feel reasonably content, some crap always happens. Today it is storm Ciara, trees down and internet down. Today I find out that someone has used my card on amazon to make a large transaction and cleaned out my bank account. 4 calls to bank and 4 almost yelling at a daft amazon call centre in India and no one is taking responsibility. Even police fraud emailed me to say a crime not committed. I give up today…

[Steev]

That’s not great.  Did someone steal your card or was it identity theft?  Either way, I hope that you can get it sorted without it costing you anything.  Surely if it is fraud the bank should stand it.  The weather has been awful here and the internet was out for a while last night – but back to normal now.  Just had a hail storm.

Hope you now get the good things happening as I guess you have had enough of the bad.  Take good care!

[Monica1]

For your stalwart replies on my thread. It was id theft. Didn’t sleep Sunday night and was tired and fed up all day. Rang the bank at day end and they said that amazon had reimbursed and managed to stop it. But I believe that when I see it. Felt better and slept well. Truth is if there is a problem they are awful. My card being stopped has disrupted a few payments. How they allowed my card to be used on another’s account is troubling. Not secure and no one took responsibility.
Had to cancel seeing my friend.
A new day today.

[Monica1]

For your stalwart replies on my thread. It was id theft. Didn’t sleep Sunday night and was tired and fed up all day. Rang the bank at day end and they said that amazon had reimbursed and managed to stop it. But I believe that when I see it. Felt better and slept well. Truth is if there is a problem they are awful. My card being stopped has disrupted a few payments. How they allowed my card to be used on another’s account is troubling. Not secure and no one took responsibility.
Had to cancel seeing my friend.
A new day today.

[Monica1]

Tuesday a much better day. The rollercoaster that has thus far been 2020 continues. Got to see my friend Tuesday evening briefly. She continues to have tumour bleeds and transfusions. She asked me how she looked and tbh she looks in good condition for someone who has advanced cancer. She has been very brave but I sensed an underlying anxiety. My sister prayed for her and I will get her onto a church prayer healing list. Prayers for my friend Charmaine please if anyone reads my thread.
Today on a mad day at work my brother in law urgently admitted to hospital. His health has deteriorated since the Xmas admission losing his eyesight and has tremors. He now has acute cholecystitis known to be one of the most painful conditions and gallstones to add to his troubles. On morphine and antibiotics. Hope that does the trick as he is unlikely to survive surgery.

[Monica1]

A stormy weekend with the internet going. I felt tired over the weekend and did very little. Saw my friend on Thursday and yesterday. They still can’t stop her tumour bleeds so it is a case of bleed then transfuse. After two sessions of radiotherapy she is ok.
My sons gf had her 20 week scan and there is a problem on it. Something wrong with the colon and both my son and her have had to have genetic tests for cystic fibrosis. I feel 100 per cent they will be negative but she now has to have some specialist scans. It’s a boy due 23rd June.
Brother in law still in hospital.
I am feeling like I have to do something about finances having all my salary spent a few days before payday. The monthly payment to 5revenue for just one of the four years I will be paying for years till we’ll after retirement is leaving me short now.
Good part of this week, seeing pete last night and exchanging valentines cards. We were both tired but it was still a nice couple of hours.
Lots of things going on with family and friends. I am grateful to be here but finances hmmmmm what to do. I dont want to be paying huge amounts of debt for years and years.

[Monica1]

A stormy weekend with the internet going. I felt tired over the weekend and did very little. Saw my friend on Thursday and yesterday. They still can’t stop her tumour bleeds so it is a case of bleed then transfuse. After two sessions of radiotherapy she is ok.
My sons gf had her 20 week scan and there is a problem on it. Something wrong with the colon and both my son and her have had to have genetic tests for cystic fibrosis. I feel 100 per cent they will be negative but she now has to have some specialist scans. It’s a boy due 23rd June.
Brother in law still in hospital.
I am feeling like I have to do something about finances having all my salary spent a few days before payday. The monthly payment to 5revenue for just one of the four years I will be paying for years till we’ll after retirement is leaving me short now.
Good part of this week, seeing pete last night and exchanging valentines cards. We were both tired but it was still a nice couple of hours.
Lots of things going on with family and friends. I am grateful to be here but finances hmmmmm what to do. I dont want to be paying huge amounts of debt for years and years.

[Monica1]

Was a nice day. I made breakfast and then my son did so I had two breakfasts. Yesterday more stuff from the inland revenue. It is going to take at least another six months to sort out total debt and this is two years six months gf. It preys on my mind and I had dreams about it.
Went to the Ayurvedic clinic today to tell them that the medicine I took last visit stopped after a day as it made everything a lot worse. We are trying again, found out they had given me kids doses and what really upset my stomach was cumin based. So taking stuff I can tolerate and got a discount as I had helped them with training previously. Going back in May for panchakarma treatment as I shall try cutting the cigs again. I had a bit of money left before payday as am budgeting dental treatment so spent a bit in m and s and got 20 per cent off. My day for bargains.
I am not comfortable with not having an emergency fund and I have decided to do a blog about maintaining wellness after 60. Maybe do some affiliate marketing. It will be fun to combine my love of writing with something I am really interested in. Something new to learn.i have a couple of days off in March so will do some learning.

[Steev]

Maintaining wellness after 60 would be something I would be interested in … so let me know about your blog when you have got it off the ground.

Good to hear about your life and your healing!

[Monica1]

Yes, I sure will let you know. I am going to do some learning about blogging and affiliate marketing first. Estimate end April I will make a start. I am going to write only about things and products that have helped me. Of course, recovery helped the most and regaining ones faith, which has led to a renewal of sorts.
Today my sister tells me nick is now home. He was misdiagnosed in hospital. Turns out the ibs he has been diagnosed with all his life was diverticular disease and he had a perforated bowel. No surgery just conservative treatment.I can only hope the perforation was small and will heal. The alternative is awful. They didn’t tell anyone or explain, my sister read the discharge summary to me. I advised her to watch him closely. He isn’t in pain which is good.
I cooked roast chicken and took a dinner round to petes tonight. We watched endeavour and have just got home, a pleasant evening.

[Monica1]

I had Tuesday and today off and Pete and I went for a trip to Brighton to see the Lighthouse Family at Brighton Dome. It was truly an amazing experience. Times that you simply treasure.
Stayed in a very kitsch hotel near the venue. Brighton is truly a vibrant place full of the most sensible people in the country who vote Green. It was simply lovely.

[Monica1]

And back to the mayhem. After such a great couple of days back at work was a big comedown.
I forgot to we had vip tickets although u fortunately not together. pete didnt like that bit or the photos taken with the band.

[Monica1]

A quiet weekend as feeling tired. Was late for my Saturday facial as problems with local buses,had to wait ages and then they were very overcrowded with folks equally as annoyed as I was. Funny how small things can really irritate. Grandsons here this weekend and I think my son wanted me to babysit. I said maybe as it is becoming a habit but as it turned out he didn’t go out. They are off to bens dads birthday party today so I don’t get to cook. Simple things.
I have to admit I came down to Earth with quite a bump on my return to work after two days off in Brighton. Best moments of the year so far.
My friends tumour is breaking up after 4 rounds of radiotherapy. Good stuff and 8 think they may discharge her tomorrow. Nearly 5 weeks she has been in. Don’t think she wants to go home as bleeds were frequent as were the blood transfusions. She was livid and that she was told she was entitled to six weeks carers help and now that she has to pay for it from her benefits. The U.K. today.

[Monica1]

Put in a lot of hours this week, facilitated a workshop, got soaked with all the constant rain. Too many deadlines, and I haven’t procrastinated either. I share that trait with idi occasionally. Saw Pete last night but both tired after a hard week. Was meant to go to my daughters today for her birthday, but woke up with a sore throat and chest. Had a headache since Thursday. So, with my hospital being a receiving centre for covid what do I do? Not panic, like the whole world seems to be doing. Gel and thermometers sold out locally. 6 days for an Ocado food delivery. Do I self isolate? I did t, went to chemist and bought in food supplies from m and s. Have now taken to bed and see how I feel tomorrow. Self isolation danger for us recovering gamblers. How r people coping with the mass panic everywhere?

[Monica1]

Spent the weekend in bed, was off Monday and working from home today. Nhs 111 don’t want to know and say go to your Gp. Only interested in direct contacts with infected people. I think we are sitting on a surge in the next two weeks in the U.K. because the government are acting too late ie people like me with symptoms, although I doubt I have covid. But there are many with flu like illnesses right now who are not being told to self isolate.
Pete also not well, I think I might have given it to him or vice versa.

[Steev]

It is easier said than done isn’t it.  I’ve been wondering all week, whether I would be allowed back into the UK – and it was a breeze … no-one asked me where I had come from or took my temprature. I keep wondering have I got a sore throat or is it just psycho-somatic?

Did you have a fever before the headache / sore throat – because apparently that is the first sign of covid?  From looking at the WHO website – the speed of increase of cases is flatlining – so hopefully it will go down soon.  Either that or we will all get use to having it in our lives.

Take good care of yourself!

[i-did-it]

Lol Steev – tonight I suddenly feel quite feverish and I thought (being a perpetual optimist ) I’m ok I don’t have a cough … and now u have burst my bubble !

Hope you are feeling much better Monica – I think this covid has moved beyond the realms of control .
Hope u and Pete get well soon Monica x

[Monica1]

Yes, it was on the news tonight questioning why people who have symptoms can’t get tested.
Steev, it doesn’t surprise me one bit that you walked straight through. They said they were not taking temps on tv at airports as too many false positives. Where r u now? R u back then in the U.K.?
It started with the headache, maybe a mild fever, sore throat and chest. Was feeling quite tired a day or two before and during.
I am 99 per cent certain it won’t flatline, big increases In next two weeks. This government have been too lax.

[Steev]

Yes – I am in Derbyshire having travelled from Paris this morning.  The number of cases is flat-lining world-wide with 93% of cases now in just 4 countries, China, South Korea, Iran and Italy.  The next country on the list (but with only 10% of the cases that Italy has,) is … France.

But when I think about it – I don’t think I am at much risk as I spend most of most days alone on the computer – and when I do go out I don’t socialise much, (I am more likely to do so in the UK) and I think you have to get pretty close to people to catch this one.

Anyway – I hope you are starting to feel better.  As you said in a previous post – it is probably a flu varient and nothing to worry about.  Just keep well!

[Monica1]

I went to work much to the chagrin and fear really of colleagues. Got sent home at 4 and told to work from home We had the first staff member confirmed yesterday. Rang the hospital cv centre for advice and no one got back. No reply even from Gp surgery., just all lines engaged. All of these services overwhelmed. Now that testing has increased in the U.K. prepare to see numbers go up A lot.
I feel quite tired. My daughter I’ll now and I think there is a lot of flu around.i really hate the tube right now. Awful. Lots of frightened people.

[i-did-it]

Monica
That’s terribly worrying – the government response has been appalling – no leadership and no hard decisions taken!
Im
Rest well and I hope you feel better soon.

[lizbeth4]

Hope you feel better soon! My Granddaughter and I were sick for 1 week with what I believe was the flu. Just a little congestion left. Low grade fever, coughing, congestion. We’ve both have had flu vaccines. We used over the counter medicines, stayed hydrated and rested a lot!!!  I stayed away from the Dr’s.as we never had high fevers and it was manageable.  I would have taken my Granddaughter to the ER if needed.

There is no toilet paper, hand sanitizer or disinfected wipes in this town!  People are freaking out!

[Monica1]

Lovely to hear from you. Worked from home and did two teleconferences today. Government went to delay phase of covid today and finally said people with a cough or fever to stay home. This is all very frightening for people. They know there are many people Ill out there. They r protecting the nhs from overwhelm but not the people. I cancelled my weekend treats. My friend with cancer has radiotherapy burns so hasn’t had it now for 2 weeks. She texts me whenever she has a problem but I don’t answer as much as I did.
My sons girlfriend came and cooked homemade vegetable soups which r good. I still feel tired and have the cough but it is day 6 now and I have stopped the lemsips.covid is meant to last 7 days usually and if the cytokine storm occurs it is usually on day 5.
I heard today they r going to start testing hospital staff which is good.
I still think our governments response is wrong but not as bad as Trumps. All is not well with him cognitively, you can see that.

[vera]

Have you been tested yet, Monica?
Short post.
I am being guarded.

[Monica1]

Thank you for your post on my thread. It would be great to have a chat with you at some point. Nhs 111. Not testing although they say anyone with symptoms over 7 days, which is me, should call. News today says people put on hold for three hours so I am not going with that one. They are fairly hopeless. The governments strategy is high risk and wrong in my view, it is based on many people getting it and gathering herd immunity. So not based on the health of the people. People are in fact making their own decisions and stopping big public gatherings now. Boris has egg all over his face. What an idiot following idiot science.
They are going to start testing at work and I have a phone number to call on Monday. In the meantime I can work from home which I am grateful for. I am grateful to be employed. So many folks and businesses will go under.
However, we must not panic.i think the wet weather and floods all winter have encouraged bugs and viruses.
I am encouraged by 30000 tests in uk with only 600 positives. An anti viral has been shown to work and human trials of a vaccine in June from U.K.

[vera]

Just to say you are in my thoughts, Monica.
They are setting up a “Testing System ” here too.
Difficult to know what to believe since the media is the propaganda wing of the government.
Personally, I rely on common sense (and prayer) in difficult situations.
I tend to isolate a lot anyway so Social Distancing is not a huge issue for me but I empathize with people who need contact.

[Monica1]

I am used to self isolating too, and the 9 months when I lived in my bedroom when I was sick and destitute means I can do it again. Wouldn’t want to but can if I have to.
Well, only people in hospital r being tested, no one else in the country is, even healthcare professionals. The covid Helpdesk is on ansafone,mailbox full, try again. This means people who work in hospitals and self isolating which is all my colleagues at the moment are not tested and therefore cannot return to work, or can and infect everyone. Crazy.
Rang my mum who is ok but just has enough food to last the week. She goes to the local shop when they open at the crack of dawn and no one is there. Smart.
Pete started self isolating yesterday.

[vera]

Lots of gamblers having “training” in Isolation.
Mental, physical and social.
Imposed isolation is detrimental to Mental Health.
Strange things happening around the world.
Are we entering a totalitarian regime?
I posted on a site where this type of discussion was taking place a few weeks ago and my internet was cut odd for ten days!!!???Then Google shut down some of the other participants…..
Glad your mam is coping.
Your brother in law would be high risk.
God is in Charge.
No point it panicking.

[Monica1]

I keep saying that to myself, that God is in charge.

[Monica1]

Just did a long post and lost the lot as ever since the big winds wi fi keeps going all the time.
Yesterday I felt very tired, I have been smoking too much and had dark circles under the eyes, something I have noticed Coronavirus sufferers have had, really dark shadows. Today the cough is much improved. We have to do things to counteract the fear and panic in the collective. For me it is getting herb and vitamin support.
Today I started the nicorette , started it last week but got the side effect I always seem to get, nightmares and lucid dreams. I am cutting down from 30 to ten over the next week.
Letters have come to hospitals from nhs England but under quizzing they are very evasive at the commons select committee. It is awful that front line staff still are not being tested. I think that will change soon but with upgrades from 10,000 to 25,000 tests per day, that will take weeks just to do nhs staff.
The good news for. Wuhan is that only one case today and the news showed people out and about in shanghai. There is an end to this and I think it will be more or less over end June. However, this Government have acted irresponsibly to start with and there may be a large Upward curve coming. I pay to our Heavenly Father this won’t materialise
Pete called me as we do daily now, he is working, he felt better within a day and works outside on his own staying away from his clients. No work, no money and he is under the radar, like many people are in this economy.
I am still working from home and I think soon work will decide who is essential to be at work and who is not. All my team are off on self isolation. I am I. The underlying condition bracket as is a colleague which means 12 weeks out.

[Monica1]

I again did a long post and wi fi went, lost the lot. 2nd day running.
I had a productive day working from home with teleconferences. Funding the nhs next year changing a lot. Some people in my broader team will be redeployed to help the nhs effort. My boss has said that my immediate team can all work from home, we all need a test if we are to return. We are being set up with VPN’s. I am grateful for that.
Had a wonderful jacket potato cooked by shanti my sons girlfriend, with homemade coleslaw. Sent my daughter some organic food delivery 11 days time, the shops locally are cleaned out. I have really enjoyed reading about and ordering some supportive things. Makes one feel less powerless. Doing oxygenation and hydrogen peroxide baths and have ordered some. The shadows under the eyes r down to virus, smoking, and lack of fresh air. I am doing something about all of that. From 30 a day somewhat anxious, fagging it, today it will be half that. And tomorrow 10. Have registered for an arvon short writing competition. Stuck at home 12 weeks doesn’t bother me one bit. Had plenty of practice. They keep saying it will be for a year, it won’t, I feel fairly certain about that as long as peeps socially distance. Too many are not in London right now.
I say a big prayer for Italy, they need hope right now and I hope the downturn comes very soon.
Pete popped round at 2 metres distance with some masks.

[Monica1]

Didn’t feel great yesterday but colleagues I spoke to didn’t either. So I stopped listening to the news as much. Still speak to Pete every night, he is still working and ok. Friday my smoking increased again so trying again on Sunday. I stay in my bedroom, my son still goes out to get a few things as he is moving into the front room which is further away from mine. He is sorting the place out, baby will be born here. Baby due 24th June and I don’t think this will be quite over by then.
I am gathering my pharmacy together, vitamins and herbs plus doing a 3 day juice and soup fast.
I have listed tbn since January on my tv and tried to retune it today but can’t get it, need HD which I don’t have. Will try and watch it on the iPad.
I hope everyone else is doing ok. I am not right yet but I am Ok.

[Monica1]

A long booked days annual leave but I still tune in to work emails as we are sending all our cancer patients to the private sector and I need to do the contractual arrangements.
Today I feel I can breathe with ease. I stand in the front room with the sun pouring in and I truly appreciate it. I do some emails about gaining support with the inland revenue stuff. Ben and Shanti spend some time in the communal garden. They gain some colour. My son does me a wonderful caramel latte from our new coffee machine which I bought recently. He has been asked to do nights for the London ambulance helping with their IT work from home programme. He chose the wrong time to become self employed and although he has set up his new company his salary from his job ends at the end of this month. I give him a lecture about staying safe but he has it covered. shanti does a healthy salad for lunch and it is lovely. She is a great healthy food cook. I admire both of them, my son is transforming the house. He is getting rid of my perfectly decent leather suite. I don’t mind. It is letting go of stuff and I have had it for many years even though it is in great condition. Time was I would have said no,but we live in different times now and we have no time to hold onto things we no longer need or to make way for the new. I throw out loads of clothes and say he can get rid of all my card collection, tarot, angel etc. Now I am a Christian ihave no need for them.
I have broken my juice fast for a small healthy meal each day as I actually don’t want to lose weight. Yesterday it was root vegetables, today a salad.
I listen to Prem Rawat on Timeless Today and I find his words inspiring.

[Monica1]

As idi’s post today, we are both angry today for very different reasons.
My boss called me to say that all nhs staff are key workers and that people who are post self isolating 7 days need to return. I said no, not without testing and i would not be instructing colleagues who have been sick to return without that in place. It is simply negligent considering my hospital has the highest death toll in the country, but are also the busiest. This made me so angry. Policy has changed from those who can work from home, which was my team to everyone has to return, even though myself and another team member are in the underlying condition category,
I said no to London transport journeys, yes I would return after testing but I would have to live on sites I am notJeopardising my son and pregnant girlfriend. Even though I worked all day, my heart wasn’t in it, I was just livid.
As anyone who reads my thread knows, like the hulk I don’t like being angry. This is also a key issue on the news right Now and the message is that all Nhs employees go to work.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Being angry is ok – we have reason to be angry sometimes. What’s important is that we don’t bottle it up.

It is difficult for us as we are the older end of the workforce – and while we don’t fall into the high risk categories, we are at higher risk than those younger than us . Today I got the opposite news – my workplace has shut down. I feel incredibly grateful but of course the NHS staff are at the front line and haven’t much choice. It is a big ask to expect NHS staff to go to work during such a dangerous time.

Keep safe Monica xxxx

[Monica1]

Thank you. I went public to a media source this evening. He is about to lay into the Government big time tomorrow morning.

[vera]

I know it sounds selfish, Monica but I’m glad I retired.
I have friends (ex work colleagues) who are scared to go to work. Not so much for fear of the virus but due to the sudden changes and the uncertainty in the Health Service. Stress lowers our resistance to disease.
Keep reminding yourself that GOD IS IN CHARGE, Monica.
The politicians are using this pandemic for their own gain.
I have serious reservations about some things I am hearing.
I only listen to the News Headlines once a day or every 2nd day.
I have other issues to deal with right now so I refuse to be terrorized or bullied into submission.
United we stand!

[Monica1]

We will see what tomorrow brings. You can see that things are falling apart Government wise, and out there. Titanic and deckchairs spring to mind. No ones fault per se aside from starving the health service for a decade and now throwing everything at it. Plus the wrong leaders. Where oh where are there decent leaders? Boris is a ditherer and they are still only doing 5k tests a day despite all their ramping up claims.
Thank you for reminding me again that God is in charge. It is up to HIm but I know I will not betray my staff and others who are sick by telling them to go in…

[Monica1]

Today has been Ok, worked from home as have my colleagues. Trying to sort out alternatives to people being seen in hospital as it isn’t safe for them.
Last night I drank two thirds of a bottle of prosecco as felt a lot of pressure throughout the day. I rarely drink. And hey, no hangover at all! As predicted, government under pressure to test but not happening yet. Hopefully soon. The person I emailed last night published a damning piece on testing and the b s spouted by the Government. They are exposing everyone to the disease to protect the NHS. Nothing new said in Boris 5pm do apart from the 400,000 volunteers, well done all.
Tried to get my daughter food online today and I found an organic box with one month delivery time, it’s bad out there for on line food.
My knitting pack for a lovely baby blanket delayed by three weeks. I don’t mind. My son is busy transforming the front room.
If I could be safe at work, and on public transport, I would go back now but those who are at work administratively say they can’t socially distance in the lift, in the stairs on in the loo.
Got an email from gma outreach to restart some check in sessions and maybe groups. Grateful for that as I feel I need it.
Emailed today looking for a six week admin person for the new hospital at the excel centre to stay there, almost volunteered but I am pretty sure my boss won’t let me do it.
Again, I have gratitude for small things, homemade soup at lunchtime, the sunning coffee in the morning. Dr who doing her thing which was great. Staying calm seems to be the order of the day.

[Monica1]

Today has been a good day as far as it can under the circumstances. My colleague and I volunteered to return to work under certain conditions. Turns out there has been a complete change of direction now and my team and I are to work from home for the for sea level future. I helped my son with his business plan today At lunchtime between work jobs, virtually rewriting it. My, what a time to be self employed. The chancellors bail out plans won’t help him so it is universal credit. But he won’t do that.
The only glitch today has been Ben invited Kai round to fix the wi fi which keeps cutting out and he put in a device that bounced the wi fi all round the house. I gave a strong lecture on protecting everyone in both households. Kais dad has lung disease and important to be careful. That will not happen again. Had a teleconference about shifting cancer patients and urgent surgery out to the private sector.
Had a wonderful tea with home made hummus salad and fish cakes.
I started to cry when everyone in the street clapped for the brave nhs front line staff. I found it very moving although it might be withdrawal from the two cigs I have had today.

[Monica1]

Had the day off today. Finally did all the paperwork this morning for the course I will be doing. Worked on my sons business plan this afternoon and cash flow projections. Broke my smokes target today but still well below where I was.

[Monica1]

Today I learned quite a bit. Did a medical intuitive session and thinking about doing the Course.
Today was check in on family time.
Lots of texts from my daughter, the shops r better in terms of stocks but she said the queue of people were miles long. She is bored. So I said that this is a time for courage and patience and we need to learn to be with ourselves. I am trying to find what she is interested in, moving and this has stopped it was the response.
My mum needs her b12 injection, she starts to feel ill when it is due. Her gp surgery has closed with no recourse for patients so I am going to try for her on Monday. She is 86 next week and should be on the vulnerable list but has not heard anything.
My friend with cancer is improving. The burns from radiotherapy r healing. She gave me the address of where could get corona homeopathic kits for prevention and symptom treatment. She has had a fever and cough just from going out of the house once after being confined at home since discharge and has been using homeopathic and herbal remedies to treat it. Expensive but I ordered it. She is about 9 days in and has gone past the dangerous time. She feels she is getting better. Has had a lot of support for food from local church and local friends.
We r continuing to eat really well. I am on the rota for washing up, have been putting it off all day but gotta go and do it now.

[Monica1]

Today I learned quite a bit. Did a medical intuitive session and thinking about doing the Course.
Today was check in on family time.
Lots of texts from my daughter, the shops r better in terms of stocks but she said the queue of people were miles long. She is bored. So I said that this is a time for courage and patience and we need to learn to be with ourselves. I am trying to find what she is interested in, moving and this has stopped it was the response.
My mum needs her b12 injection, she starts to feel ill when it is due. Her gp surgery has closed with no recourse for patients so I am going to try for her on Monday. She is 86 next week and should be on the vulnerable list but has not heard anything.
My friend with cancer is improving. The burns from radiotherapy r healing. She gave me the address of where could get corona homeopathic kits for prevention and symptom treatment. She has had a fever and cough just from going out of the house once after being confined at home since discharge and has been using homeopathic and herbal remedies to treat it. Expensive but I ordered it. She is about 9 days in and has gone past the dangerous time. She feels she is getting better. Has had a lot of support for food from local church and local friends.
We r continuing to eat really well. I am on the rota for washing up, have been putting it off all day but gotta go and do it now.

[Monica1]

Worked from home but had a clutzy morning. Coffee machine milk exploded everywhere and then five minutes later on opening the fridge door a whole big carton of yoghurt split and splattered everywhere. I also had five minutes of constant sneezing. Plus getting emails now from gambling sites which I delete without reading them. It has been a cold day today.
Heard today that dental staff r being redeployed to the front line and my team too are on the redeployed list, everyone except me. Boss said no to that as I am probably the only one that is working on the expansion of capacity in the private sector for cancer patients or has the know how to deal with everyone else’s job.
My son turned down the LAS job and today had interview for an amazon driver, pay is pretty low though and he is thinking about it.
Having wonderful home cooked soups.

[Monica1]

Today I had the day off but as I am again living in my bedroom as Ben and shanti are in the other with the front room stripped for redecoration I am very aware how careful I have to be not to fall into the trap of isolating and getting the old urges. After waking up at 4am for two hours I sleep till 11, a good sleep. I actually feel ok today. The outreach call goes completely wrong and we r continually cut off every few seconds so we abandon that one and revix it.
The day goes by quickly, I still tune into emails and I cook a hello fresh pasta dish for everyone which is nice.
My sister texts to say she has been furloughed or offered redundancy from work, a place she has been for 43 years..!
1st venture out for two weeks to local shop early evening with a mask and gloves to get some electricity. I ensure we keep our distance which is hard in the smaller shops.
No on¿I even delivery slots anywhere but we have a good supply of food and my son found eggs today.

[Monica1]

My working day from home went quickly. I spent some time sending arguments about my team redeploying. Most of the roles are front line, some horrible, in the morgue. I have written a long diatribe as to why not and am about to involve unions. I have two bosses and one of them is ill, 2 days since we heard from him now which is very unusual.
On a more positive front I tried doing the short story exercises for the comp, it was looking up random phrases to stimulate creativity. I’m afraid mine wasn’t stimulated.
I got the first partner one of my courses, it looks interesting and I will gain a lot from it. I also got my knitting pack. I am really rusty at it and struggled with even casting on.
Today hasn’t been a good day nationally covid wise. Highest number of admissions and highest death rates. Doctors and nurses are dying which is horrific.

[Monica1]

Lost internet access from 9 last night to just now so couldn’t post yesterday. Again, the day went very fast and I was working as hard as I would be if I was at work. The day goes by so quickly.
I signed on for a Qi gong on line freebie class after Easter, got stuck in my knitting, even though it is a baby simple pattern, cooked cod with chorizo crumb for tea.
Had the online gma group which after some initial technology issues we were able to converse. It is helpful. It was great to clap for the nhs, care workers, shop and delivery workers. I find this very moving.
Today, I open my email to find a second doctor in the hospital, who came back after retirement to help has died. This is very sad and I find my emotions are quite close to the surface. I don’t know either of them but nevertheless I find their sacrifice overwhelming and pray that this pandemic hits its peak and inevitable decline soon.

[charles]

Hi Monica, sorry for the delay. i just remembered I promised you this link a few days ago.

Home

They have a few free courses right now – the short story one starts on Monday.

Stay safe.

[Monica1]

Appreciate that.
Today a difficult day draining and tiring. Internet wi fi constantly cuts out. First kitchen sink arguments today just after I was taking in the news about doctors coming back from retirement in the hospital dying. My son came in having a right go that after I cooked dinner late I left the washing up. He also mentioned getting his uncle over to do some work. He already blew it last week getting his brother to come over. I let rip about how doesn’t he ever learn anything? It took a few hours, we made up later and he went out to the shop for me. The news is sad and depressing.
I immediately bought a dishwasher. The amount of kitchen sink arguments people have is unbelievable. Will leave me short for the month but we have organic food in and coming.
The rest of the day spent arguing with her who wrote to two of my team, both deemed vulnerable after being told not to by my mother boss who was on leave today, telling them to immediately reply in the hospital. The stupidity of what is going on just in some hospitals, not just mine is unbelievable. My boss caught covid in the hospital, he has a temperature and cough but made contact yesterday. My other boss who was off today warned hr not to do this.
So a day of arguments have left me tired and drained. Fell asleep at 7. Had a 1:1 with gma At 4 which was short. I was trying to dissipate my anger. Exercise and movement was what we thought might do it. Instead I fell asleep…
There will be more needless deaths of nursing staff and more doctors, and it stinks.

[Monica1]

What a beautiful Sunny day today. I gazed at it through my big bay windows. I still haven’t ventured out but today I feel calm. It is my mums 86th birthday today. She described it as the weirdest one yet. Her friends always send her cards every year, she has two cards this year and a few have rung her to say sorry can’t find a card but happy birthday anyway. She got her b12 injection but struggled to walk to a health centre. Most local Gp practices are closed and people are being seen in the lead GP practice in an area. She had queued at Sainsbury’s as she couldnt bare the usual local shop fare, that is so not my mum. She said the queue was miles but two men saw her and got her to the front of the queue so she didn’t have to wait. Well done those men. She spoke about when she was young in Austria and she was much smarter than her brother but her father said to her that girls don’t matter when her school tried to get her eleven into the top stream of school. I said women have come a long way but I think for most women it has been a struggle in what has been a male dominated world. I like talking to my mum, it is like she has a young woman’s spirit in an old body.
Well, about to cook for everyone soon. I am reading a good book about shaman Durek, really interesting.

[Monica1]

Woke up with a sore throat and a sort of oooer feeling but it isn’t bad. Pleasant and beautiful sunny day. I sat in my shared communal garden for about an hour in the sun.amazing what you appreciate, the simple things in life. Fresh air finally. Got very excited when my hello fresh box was delivered. I am getting excited about cooking food, which was delivered together with a ciabatta and bottle of Malbec. We have never eaten so well in this time of being at home.
I lost 6lbs last week, a delayed reaction to my 3 day fast two weeks ago. I always have delayed reactions, story of my life. So i can indulge in a few calories and cookedan oven baked risotto. I find I can now eat some of the foods I haven’t been able to eat in small amounts.mEveryone thinks I am a good cook but it is just following a hello fresh recipe. Never did I think I would enjoy cooking, but I do and have become an aficionado of the risotto.

[Monica1]

Throat much better today. The day again went very quickly. Got my organic delivery which I get very excited about. My mum rang delighted with her birthday flowers.
Cooked a grand pasta dish which was a triumph.
HR off one redeploying one of my team, after some debate. Agreed he could work from home. Now for the other three.

[Monica1]

Fell asleep early last night so didn’t post.
Positives, my team can work from home, had long discussions yesterday as to reasons why and my boss supported my views. My wider team who have been in every day and upset to be, they are to be redeployed. I will try and work on that one. Ext.
Positives: I have started answering questions on Quora and was surprised to find I have three followers today and about ten upvotes. That is practice for my blog which I will try and start before the end of the month.
Funnies, shanti made a face mask, a chocolate colour, my son put it on and he looked well, you can guess. The front room is all white with white floorboards, looks like a white out. They have been working hard on making everything look nice when baby arrives
I also ordered a pulse oximeter weeks ago and received it today. It’s a bit patchy at the moment in its results. We worked out if we hold it flat is is normal for both my son and I.
I also received l theanine recommended by idi, for help with anxiety. It’s a natural essential amino acid, so I will try it tomorrow first thing.
The days go quickly much of a muchNess. I went out to the shop today with my son and in the local shops people are not keeping the right social distance which I find makes me a little nervous.
I also have had slight pains underneath my chest and left ribs and I realised today it is muscular strain because I am stooping on my bed to work on my work laptop. Luckily I have some Voltarol. Luckily, I have enough organic food, probably a little too much of it, and hello fresh meals, about to go and cook a pancetta and mushroom risotto for everyone.

[Monica1]

My risotto was a disaster. It wouldn’t evaporate off and the pan ended up burnt. I still ate the burnt risotto, it was a bit yuck but I didn’t want to waste food, but didn’t expect anyone else to. I used a pan was that not non stick. Lesson learned.
Today I had a full on day working from home and it went quickly. Did an on line Skype gma Women’s Group and enjoyed that then did a 2 hour medical intuitive course on zoom. That was great. I am doing all the things I have really wanted to do but never had the time as I was always working. So on that level, I am very pleased I now have the time to fulfil some of things my soul wants to do. Spoke to Pete and he is ok still working but keeping a social distance.
My son has now shifted the front room to his bedroom next to mine and it is great. Windows wide open so I can get the air with my pc set up next to the window. My bedroom gets very little air and of course I am the original Fagash lil. . He has got me a humidifier. The dishwasher was delivered. His room looks like the white stuff, everything Including the floorboards is white. The place is really coming together.

[Monica1]

Well the day started Ok with an early morning call from the gma women’s group members for a chat. I didn’t even know we could do this so that was good. I spent some time in the sunshine in the garden and attempted to put some structure in the day. I answered a few quora questions and realised two things which are the downside of starting a blog 1. Some people vehemently disagree with something you have said and can be quite rude about it 2. I have spoken about local hospital issues that have hit the nationals that are a cause for great concern when we have been told not to. I am really uncomfortable with the managing of the message which has downsides ie the message is managed and economical with the truth and the control that manifests in a command and control situation. Not comfortable with that at all and I find it distasteful. I felt that the daily briefings yesterday were just too politicised and untruthful,or in other words, lies to make messages more palatable. I feel uneasy now about doing a blog.
I also wonder about how long we can continue like this, we are low on food now until Sunday. We are all doing without hairdressers, massage, Self care type things, proper exercise, dentist, normal GP services, shopping. It is tiring, the energy of this crisis is draining.
My son went out yesterday afternoon and did not return till the small hours. I tried calling and texting but his phone was switched off. I found it made my chest tight, something I just didn’t need. We have only just talked and he apologised but I spent the entire night worrying and shanti was upset too. He said that he had told her that he was going to his dads. He said that his dad was even more paranoid than we r about social distancing and that he did not go into the house but was in the garden. For that amount of time.? I said that we r not even meant to be visiting anybody. He came back with a large box of 24 eggs. My chest was relieved immediately, it is worry, fear and anger mixed which has a physical affect. I realised that we are all becoming paranoid about social distancing and I wonder what the damage to us as humans will be from all of this. This situation cannot continue long term without inflicting huge social and economic damage.
I cooked on Friday, a beef honey stew, it was nice but a little too sweet. The reason I mention my cooking is because it is a reasonably newish thing for me to cook daily and constantly takes me by surprise. I simply have spent too much time at work to ever organise cooking properly.

[Monica1]

I am sure I am not alone in thinking good Friday was Saturday as above. Oops!

[Steev]

I read Quora occasionally.  I get an email every day from them which prompts me to go on – but quite often I only read one or two comments and then delete.  Mainly because most posters and commentators have their own political agenda and it often descends into playground name-calling.  The same is true for a number of on-line sites where people are encouraged to “have their say” including the BBC.

The difference with having a blog, would be that you would be in control of which comments could be published – so that you can set yourself up as moderator and only allow comments which you feel are constructive.  This does mean that you would have to (partly) read them in order to know.  I don’t find disagreement easy and I would worry that too much of it would affect my mental health and push me towards gambling thoughts.  But that’s me.

On the other point about “being told not to talk about it,” if something like this is in your contract of employment (and it probably is) then you could find yourself in a disciplinary situation – which again might cause stress and thoughts. Maybe wait until after retirement?

I did set up a travel blog last year and wrote a few posts about my journey.  I’ve had a few (positive) comments, but it is clear that very few people are reading it and I have found it hard to keep up.  Even now with more time on my hands (but fewer places to write about) I keep finding myself putting it off.  It is something that I need to make a decision about – but I hate abandoning projects (I think of them as failure.)  But then is chasing “losses” ever a good thing!

[Monica1]

Ty for your post. Yes, you are right about blogs, thanks. Plus the work thing, I see it as just commenting on what was in the nationals. Don’t think it is in my contract of employment but it is in daily communiques. Regardless of outcome, I think I will quit at the end of this. I have seen a side of managing the message that I find going against my ethics and values which runs counter to the values I signed up to. Maybe that is an idealistic point of view but it is something I feel strongly about.
A few people are asking my view on questions now on quora, most of them political. Ooer…

[vera]

Monica, I hear you on how peoples’ energy is being draned at this time. I don’t think the “pandemic” is causing the stress. In my opinion, governments’ reaction is disproportinate to the situation and the loss of jobs and uncertainty about the future is making everyone edgy. We have been told the restrictions are now being extended to after the May Bank Holiday. What then?? June? August? Christmas? We need to ask some serious questions.

On a personal level, I feel blessed in many ways. We have a large garden . Hens to provide us with fresh eggs every day. A garden planted-roll on Summer for a good supply of vegetables.We live in a very rural area so a long walk can happen without meeting a soul (well maybe one or two bodies who nod by way of salute).  Our local shop is well stocked. (I’ve just come back from there) My main issue is travel beyond the required 2km which I have had to do and will need to do again next week. There are check points everywhere. I don’t want to offend police officers or hold them up in the course of their duty but I have had to, and will again refer to my constitutional rights i.e. Freedom to Travel in this case, which supercedes the hasty legislation which was rushed through, to give the police special powers.

I have been ensnared by gambling addiction for 20 years. I refuse to live in further entrapment under the guise of “keeping safe”. By consent 90% of people are using a reasonable and rational approach . Putting the boot to the neck could cause unnecessary friction. Just because a person wants to walk in the country doesn’t turn him/her into a suicide bomber.

I hope and pray that we all wake up!

Happy Easter to you and yours, Monica.

Tomorrow we will say with confidence

“HE IS RISEN. ALLELUIA.ALLELUIA!”

[Monica1]

Great to hear from you and I have missed your posts. I like reading them. Yes, I think you are fortunate to live where you do and have the resources that you do. I have a shared garden at least but I am the only one that sits in it 20 mins or so a day. I hope to move to Cornwall when my daughter moves there and we have discussed a vegetable and herb patch. Selling up in Kent means they can buy a property for them and for me.
In London, I would like to say they have overreacted but in truth they haven’t, infection has had reasonably high rates here and clearly the denser the population the worse it is. I have a lot of sympathy for families stuck in tower blocks. It is like being in prison. My sister called me today, she is fed up but has gone back to something she is very skilled at and had t done for 15 years which is tapestry work and embroidery. I think she must have had a past life as an Elizabethan lady of leisure doing embroidery as it comes so naturally to her. She has solved my stuckness in the knitting pattern. It was nice to hear from her. Unfortunately my mother went to Sainsbury’s this morning and had to queue. No one believed she was 86 And would not let her to the front. She shouldn’t even be doing that as she is vulnerable but did not receive a letter.
Pete also called to wish a happy Easter.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Firstly I am appalled at Sainsbury’s staff for treating your mum like that. I think a public letter of complaint is in order !

I too had to queue for Sainsbury’s yesterday and watched a mum struggle with a grown son with obvious special needs and wondered why the staff didn’t act to make things a little easier for her.

I feel the COVID situation is much worse than we are being told. I notice in Ireland the advice is it kills people of all ages.
It does – in the early days a 16 year old girl who lives quite close to me died – it never made the headlines!

I tried it copy you with tour fresh box deliveries but the local companies cannot keep up to the demand and are taking no new orders. So I have little seeds growing (I hope) on my window sill! Hope to have tomatoes and courgettes! Hope !!!!

You are right Monica – living in a tower block right now with small kids or moody teenagers would be the worse. We are lucky to have a garden to sit it. You always find the positives in every situation !

Your cookery sounds great – perhaps you could post some recipes in Charles thread about things to to during lockdown. I will try them out !

I bought a huge can of good quality white paint and of course doubted myself – (I intended doing the whole house white )but hearing about your son’s room I think maybe I will make a start !

Take care Monica and have a lovely Easter xx

[i-did-it]

Ps I signed up for this week’s group but it was full … maybe next week !

[i-did-it]

Ps again
https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/coronavirus-government-close-to-lies-over-coronavirus-deaths-warns-expert-11972083

Just as we thought …

[Monica1]

Yes, I read that today, it is from a well known thorn in the side of this Government. He is very vocal but what he is saying is true.
This morning got a full blown gut attack, first in 40 days. That will teach me to go way off diet over the past week. Back to it again. Takes me rest of day to get over it.
Positives today, feeling lazy did a bit of coursework early evening
Got onto Ocado website after waiting 50 mins and got a delivery slot, that’s the first in 4 weeks but they r charging 7 quid for delivery.
Pete came by on his bike and we spoke out of the window. That cheered me up.

[Monica1]

Woke up usual time and then fell asleep till 11am. Most unusual. I am finding I have a sore throat in the morning, goes during the day and comes back nighttime. What’s that about?
Listened to joel osteen Easter service which was very inspiring and started a springtime Qi gong course. I find I have so much to do during the day I don’t do all of it. Now that’s strange in these times a.though I would like to get back to normal although I don’t think normal will ever be quite the same again as pre corona. My son cooked lunch,pulled pork and mash and I cooked a roast in the evening. My son and I fell out for the second time today over the same subject as previously. My son has a sharp Scorpio tongue and can say hurtful things. It upset me and when Pete called he was very sweet and listened and was supportive. My son and I made it up after an hour or two. We do seem to have flare ups and then he is kindness itself after we make up. He cleaned up the kitchen before I did and now we have the bonus if the dishwasher I bought and he plumbed in. He has done so much in the house and I know he gets stir crazy but sometimes I do feel usurped out of my own space. I am natural.y untidy, for example when cooking I poured a saucepan of swede into the colander and completely forgot to put it over the sink and half of the water
went over the floor. Dyspraxia I think they call it. I had to really focus tonite doing creamed cavolo Nero with spinach and creamed swede. My spatial awareness isn’t great and never has been. I am awful at design, better with concepts and words. I just make a mess. I make A mess cleaning up a mess.
My daughter rang for another small loan for food which I did.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Your sore throat sounds could be caused by open mouth breathing during your sleep, often related to sinus issues which maybe caused by the fresh paint in the house.

I thought this made interesting reading about the corona virus. Ireland’s government does seem to have handled things much better but time will tell.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/14/coronavirus-uk-ireland-delay

What do you think ?

[younger12]

Congratulation this story is very inspirational i  am so happy for you 

[Monica1]

I am a great fan of the lighthouse family and I have just found the most beautiful and perfect song from their latest album. Perfect for the times we r in. Super 8 it’s called and it made my soul sing today.played it over again and felt very lifted from it.

Been a mixed couple of days, Thursday I was just plain tired and needed to sleep so missed the gma group and thursday clap. Work is getting quieter now. I had a strange reaction in my medical intuitive class on something that I would have entertained per recovery around shamanism but found it clashed with my christian values. That bugged me for a while until Friday when I had my gma outreach call. We only spoke for a short time but I find that’s all I need. Talking helps.
Good stuff
My son in law came up borrowing his mothers car, and I could give them all the Xmas and birthday pressies, whilst of course keeping distance . My daughter was delighted with all the Charlotte tilbury makeup as she had run out. ThaT made me feel good.
Pete called me and is working nearby, we can only speak from a distance and he made me laugh and I made him laugh,he brought me cigs which I had run out of. We speak from yonder window in true Romeo and Juliet style. He mentioned that he thought when I opened the window my son closed his, but I wonder about that….
My son cooked the best roast duck in black currant sauce, it was mega yummy, I did a spag Bol last night.
My son has borrowed a treadmill and it is sitting in the bathroom. He has been running on it but I must get on it today.
I find there are many things I would like to learn and am grateful for this time put to do so.
My mum will get her 2nd birthday pressie today, from m and s but had delayed delivery, the ivy tea and biccies box. A treat as she can’t shop there.
Not so great
I broke my on.y bamboo knitting needle, they are quite delicate.
I have spent all my salary this month on courses food and medicines For me and the family and a dishwasher. Money well spent. Who wants to buy clothes in lockdown, not me that’s for sure.
Well, just going to listen to that beautiful song again….

[Monica1]

Stirs the soul…

[Monica1]

Nothing much to report. Have been doing Qi gong which I felt to be of benefit and wfh. Only thingof note is that I cooked the best steak ever yesterday with garlic butter and parsley. Tasted amazing. Work still slow but managed to get another of the team wfh. We still don’t have the kit for everyone as my hospital unfortunately are the poor relation in the sector. Other trusts have had the kit from early on. I thought things were improving nationally yesterday but they aren’t much after the numbers today. London though is on a downward trend. Good things are the vaccine trials, the antibodies in plasma. Watching a very British lockdown tonight and it has brought tears to my eyes.
Pete came and dropped a couple of masks today as I had to go to the Local shop yesterday without one. I missed him today but we were two metres apart As I spent ten minutes in the sunshine in the garden. All I wanted to do was give him a hug today and of course, I could not do that. Quite wistful about that.

[Monica1]

Today for me is day 44 of lockdown as I went off early on March 9th with flu symptoms, who is to know whether it was covid or not. I have no way of knowing. This morning I start to feel a little restless and impatient, both feelings I could do without, maybe a little stir crazy. My room gets very little light and sunshine so it is cold a lot of the time and a bit airless. So I go into the Shared communal garden and lay down for 20 minutes or so. It helps and I become mindful of the blue sky, the trees swaying in the gentle breeze, the bluebells and daisies on a newly mown lawn, the spring daffodils already dried up. I will go again later.
Shanti had her scan this morning and the problem on the colon has resolved itself, could clearly see the baby with its head down. Good stuff.
I have a lot to do But motivation in need of some help. The gaRden clearly helped A bit so will go down again later.
My phone bill has increased a lot because I am using it for work. I protested and now I am getting a work mobile, nearly two years after starting…. Well 2 years in August. Time flies by.

[Monica1]

Days went quick maybe because I have had a few things to do. Did the gma group last night which is always helpful and then my course. I am doing three courses on things have wanted to do for a long time. So that is all good.felt as restless and fed up as I have earlier this week.
Payday today and spendies, spending a lot on food plus sending my daughter three m and s boxes of fruit and veg. They are releant on food banks at moment, processed tins, which is no good at all. Cooked a tex mex this evening which turned out ok.

[Monica1]

Thanks rg. Like you I have also been struggling a bit.
On Saturday I vegged out completely and played computer games, spent a bit, nowhere near as much as gambling but I have had to rebudget for the month because of it. And that was after listening to a few motivational talks. I realised what a rip off these games are. They are charged in dollars but take the same amount in pounds. I don’t think this is legal so am investigating.
Pete wasn’t as blown away as me on the lighthouse family song but was on a couple of morcheeba tracks and suggested I listen to those, I wasn’t blown away at all by those so we have found something we don’t agree on at all.
I get very excited still at my weekly organic deliveries. I am spending a lot on food. I guess it is like being in a war really where food and medicines are the things not in great supply unless you want to go to a supermarket, which I don’t. Will continue later as ipad needs a recharge.

[Monica1]

Well, the good weather has passed and it is now raining outside. On Sunday I lay in the garden again cloud watching and almost drifted off, there is something about blue skies and greenery that is so calming.
My second knitting project has arrived, a baby blanket. The first lies unfinished with a broken knitting needle and the wool in a jumbled mess. This is simple, it is knitting a big square. Surely I can’t go wrong on that one.
Well, we have passed the peak of the epidemic, the downward curve is far more pronounced in London. My hospital bore the brunt of the epidemic, for some reason north London was the worst affected region in the U.K. over 500 deaths and 700 recovered plus some staff has died. They stopped telling us who in their daily bulletins a while ago. We had a communication from the hospital today to say so and some planned work will be starting up again. No one thinks it is over though. At 11am there will be a minutes silence for all of the 100 or so healthcare workers who have died, plus the others, transport workers, care workers etc. Too many and we were unprepared despite warnings as far back as 2016.
I, for one, won’t want to be going back on the tube any time soon.

[Monica1]

I have been quite unmotivated and lazy, not work wise particularly, although not as on form as I should be, but everything else. I Have not kept to my diet, although we are all eating very well on my weekly organic delivery and hello fresh meals. However, hello fresh are too calorific and in my 7 weeks and 2 days of lockdown I have put on 4 lbs, probably the chocolate and the occasional pudding. I have to do something about discipline and motivation. I have always been very disciplined in my work, but totally the opposite with everything else, like I can’t be bothered. Anyone have any ideas at how to support this, aside from just doing it?! I still haven’t been on the treadmill, I used to walk long distances when I was working which helped with fitness. I must force myself to go on it.
I am looking at the future, when we emerge out of all of this. I have to make planning and preparations for moving to Cornwall, which I will need an alternative career. The thing that stops me from doing a wellness blog, is the ‘what if I get sick?’ Conundrum.
I am really aware that I no longer want to take two long tube journeys and the battling for my team I have found waring. I have just won another battle but the forcing of people who are vulnerable to come in I have found draining and just makes me see how some awful decisions have been made by those who should know better. However, I have won every battle thus far.
With Germany infection rate going up, releasing lockdown measures don’t seem like they will happen soon. I think people need forward movement and hope. We are not made to just stand still for long periods of time as if we were all in prison. Humans just not made that way.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I forgot that living in a big city means travelling on packed trains. That’s a huge worry after lockdown.
Reading your last post I am amazed that you are thinking of moving and changing your life – not thinking of – planning to!

I keep wondering if I should move -but I’m afraid to leave my job. Your bravery really gives you great freedom.

I don’t think our world will ever be the same. It’s starting to feel like lockdown will go on forever.

[vera]

Good to hear that you are planning to move from (overcrowded) London to Cornwall, Monica.

Living in densely populated areas, involving the use of public transport daily, is certainly a threat to every aspect of health, “corona” aside.

I am eternally gratefeul that I live on the country, albeit a pain in the butt when some power happy policeman/woman pulls you over to question you as to your reason to travel. The good news is that under our magnificient Constitution we do not have to answer those questions. Freedom of Movement is clearly spelled out there and no temporary adjustment to the Health Act supercedes this.If I had to live in a high rise apartment, which many people do, with a 2km restriction, I would go nuts.

You might be interested in listening to Prof. Johan Giesecke, Monica. Along with many other medics, he questions the whole idea of “lockdown” and the consequences which will ensue when this (in my opinion) dangerous tactic is eventually lifted. Where I live, the restrictions are being extended further. Again, I pose the question, for how long will these measures be sustainable in a democracy?

I hear you on the lack of motivation, Monica. I have fallen into the “why bother ” trap too.

My way of getting ’round this ( although I’m a procrastinator) is to remind myself that God has given us the precious gift of time and we will have to answer to Him as to whether we wasted or used that gift . This, of course applies to our whole lives.

You have done amazingly well since you first came to GT, Monica.

You have my admiration.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your replies. Vera would be great to catch up. Ty. And I will look up the professor you speak of.
Even though I also am a great procrastinator I can’t sit still for very long, I get incredibly bored and need to keep moving in a positive direction.
I have had to go back to the couture knitting company as the lovely angora wool broke 6 times casting on. They are going to send me a video to help with my technique. Honestly it’s knitting a square and I can’t even get that right!

[vera]

Try knitting a circle. Monica!!!

The clicking of knitting needles grates on my nerves but for some it is relaxing. My son’s girlfriend  knits and crochets and she is the picture of serenity while in action. I think she will start up a business. A very talented and creative girl.

I did knit many years ago when I was expecing my first baby. I loved the idea of knitting but compared to real knitters, I was useless.

Still have the christening dress I made . I keep it hidden though because of all the mistakes in the pattern. I rememember I ripped it  back so many times and flung it aside in temper, it was nearer to black than white before it was finished.

Just thinking, knitting is far safer than gambling

“The devil finds work for idle hands”, we were always told.

[i-did-it]

I’m laughing because i wanted to knit something for my son to keep – an heirloom if you like.

One and a half legs of Postman Pat sat on my upper  stair for 16 years until I finally decided he was probably too old for it lol!

We have actually had  far more fun and laughter out of the memory of the unfinished project  than if I had completed it.  It has become one of those things that we fall about laughing at – not sure why …

[Monica1]

Ty idi and Vera. Both your posts on knitting debacles made me laugh. I will persist, the company sent me a video today as to how to do it so the fragile angora wool doesn’t keep breaking.

Having read liz thread today I can relate, I am starting to sink into a depression and spent another amount of money playing computer games last night. It mounts up a bit. I was upset as my son went round to a friends house Last night to build his company website, again paying scant regard to social distancing. I understand the pressure as he isn’t working but it upsets me that he just disregards our welfare. He stayed at his friends overnight. My other son was building his website but won’t speak to him after inviting him round when I was just getting over a covid or not type flu. This is the third time he has done this since lockdown.
Today we have an almighty row and he crossed the line with me. The bile from his childhood came out and he said That I stole his childhood. It is hard for me to accept that He is so selfish and disrespectful.
It made me weep and I was already feeling tired and a little depressed today. He hates Pete, and he said just go with Pete, give him the space in my house, stuff your food etc. All I have done is tried to help my son, he still lives here rent free and I only ask him to contribute and share the electricity bill. I have had some difficulty with him taking over in my home to the extent that I feel pushed out and he has so many issues with my untidiness. I have no issues with my untidiness and neither does Pete. I try. He really had crossed a line and it reminded me of abusive relationships which I won’t tolerate and will not have in my life. I have asked him to leave as soon as he is able to. This is not something you can just say sorry and make up, a line has been crossed. It is becoming something that is detrimental to my wellbeing and what else can I do? It upset me a lot. There is nothing I can do about it except protect myself from this type of emotional pain.

[Monica1]

So the few work calls I have After the row demonstrate to me that this pressure cooker called lockdown is causing many people problems. Things have a tendency to be synchronous in energetic patterns. A senior colleague mentions her husband has asked her for a divorce. Another colleague has old family rows brewing again. Everything that may have been an issue previously gets blown out of all proportion.
I don’t think we can all continue like this.
Pete calls and puts some perspective on it but I start to well up again just talking about it. My son has no right to keep going on about my relationships. It is my business as is his his business. What I do notice is that the universe tries to help the situation. As we help another we help ourselves. I felt wounded by the row this morning and in three calls subsequently separate issues come up and they all help with perspective.
Pete hit the nail on the head, he said it is the disrespect that is the hardest to deal with and I agree, it is. Pete Sid that my son. Has never dealt with these issues even though he says he has, he keeps hitting me with them every time a disagreement comes up

[vera]

Sorry to hear you are being subjected to abuse from your son, Monica.

I have been through all that with one of my sons. The sudden attacks are very threatening and upsetting.

Your son sounds hurt and angry..I could say much more but it’s not the time or place for that.

Protect yourself and don’t allow him to put you on a guillt trip.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!

[vera]

I agree, Monica. This issue needs to be re examined. In a democracy, lockdown with such a strong police presence in the streets, cannot be sustained.

[Monica1]

Thanks so much for your posts. I knew you would reply as I know that you too have personally experienced same. As he has done before he sent me some horrible texts, stuff my food, stuff the dishwasher, he didn’t want any of that. And then a couple of hours later, an apology saying sorry he made me cry and upset me, he is staying away at his friends And at shantis place for a few days as he has issues he needs to deal with and that being around me kept bringing up childhood stuff. I say he has crossed a line and that all I ever wanted to do was help. And I know now that he cannot live here with me, not if I value my own self worth, which I do. I had the same drained feeling I recognise from many years ago, it is called emotional abuse from someone who will always have a space in my heart. It has been the story of my life, coming into my own power and not accepting any form of abuse or control from anyone.
He pushes my buttons and I push his, but merely saying stop jeopardising social distancing by visiting his dad and friends is not an unreasonable request. He said he has tried to get counselling ,but no joy and thinks he came off the anti depressants too quickly. I agree he needs counselling. He cannot let go of the past and is repeating the male anger patterns of his childhood.
I do a gma private outreach group this evening and it was a nice share. Everyone was feeling a bit low today.
I do my class tonight which was enjoyable but I still feel like a wrung out dishcloth with tears quite close to the surface.

[Monica1]

Today I still feel a bit bruised and I just wish I could shake off the tired drained feeling I wake up with daily but I think it is quite pervasive. I go for a walk through the park to the local shop in the afternoon and take a bus back taking care not to touch anything. I would t normally do that but I hate that frozen feeling from being stuck indoors. I can completely veg out so easily. It actually helps a bit. I shift all my work,stuff into the front room and it feels better working from there, I have developed back pain from stooping over my laptop on my king size bed.
I do a work course in the afternoon on using Microsoft teams ie for remote working teams. The view was that this is the way forward and we may be working this way for a long time, iBook a healing session With the American healer I am doing my medical intuitive course With and rearrange my budget for a month. Hello fresh have messed up this weeks order so on meals I really look forward I have ones I really hate coming,so I have canned them to save money and they are still too calorific. Concerned that I will undo all the good work if I carry on eating them as have already put in 4 lbs since lockdown.
My son is staying away at his friends to cool off and I get another apology by text. I say he cannot keep being stuck in the past and has to get counselling support to deal with his issues, He can be really vicious with his words, and his Scorpio sting. I can see he was under a lot of pressure, with no money coming in and baby coming. but even so I say as soon as he is able to he needs to move out. He says he feels useless. I say he is anything but that. He has done a lot of work in the house but I know he is even more stir crazy than me.

[i-did-it]

Monica,
Im so sorry to read all that has been going on with you – I got a bit of a hammering on the threads (no idea why) and found myself uninterested in reading for a few days.

It is incredibly strong of you to tell your son to move out. It is the right decision. It also is sending him a strong message for other relationships in his life. It’s a good lesson.

We all did the best we could as parents – none of us are perfect and none of us have perfect lives- but we did our best at the time.

I’m sorry you feel so drained. It does seem like you have been cramped into your bedroom for too long and that’s not healthy for you. Your relationship is your decision and Pete brings you happiness and it’s about you ! The parent-child relationship is all about the child (until we become really feeble). We have been through some terrible times with our addiction Monica and we need to make our futures about us – although we can still help those around us.

Keep strong – a little comfort eating won’t hurt – treat yourself with compassion and spoil yourself a little.
This too will pass – maybe the universe is making room for someone else to move in?

Xxx

[Monica1]

Yes. Ty for your post, it was helpful. Whatever the ‘hammering’ was about it sorted out. I know how this type of experience upsets u and personally I didn’t get it, buy hey ho. it got sorted and that’s the main thing.
I am still faffing about being quite lazy, playing games. Today however is tidy up day. That is my only objective for today. See if I get there at the end of the day. My son has come back saying he knows he lost it and he knows the score with everything. He just wants his independence back and I get that. But I remain steadfast.
I feel as though with lockdown I have gone backwards and some of the previous good work has been undone. Before all this kicked off I looked vibrant and now I don’t. It is day 54 today, 7 weeks and 4 days. I need a cut and colour, I am pale from lack of fresh air and still have a backache from stooping over my work laptop. Plus gained some weight. I miss my massages, facials and reflexology. I need to get back on track.

[Monica1]

I very much appreciate you saying that. Yes, there are still difficulties in Iife, recovery doesn’t mean the land of milk and honey beckons but it certainly beats the misery of gambling.
On Saturday I didn’t clean up, but did today and totally cleaned my bedroom. On Saturday I studied for about three hours of Qi gong instead, watching videos Taking in the movements. . I am doing a lot of the sitting meditations to start with as I find my focus and concentration isn’t great, and I need to develop it. Being glued to the iPad and playing games for a few hours is terrible for the focus and concentration. I have rampant attention deficit so Qi gong will help slow things down and build the ability to focus. I am building up to doing the flow of movements as they take a bit of learning,
For about the past ten days I have had fairly constant left kidney pain, the place where I have half a left kidney left from the cancer a long while back now in 2011. It is a bit worrying and accounts for some of my tiredness and shadows under the eyes I think. I did some Qi gong exercises to strengthen the kidneys and it has actually succeeded in taking Away the pain. I have known for a while that all is not well there but I was so glowing And well from the diet that I ignored doing anything about it. I think my two lattes in the morning from my lovely coffee machine are not helping matters so I will need to make some changes too.
Lockdown has not helped me, aside from giving me the time to study things I am interested in. I feel that things have gone backwards, I had a great routine of self care going, and I feel that Not doing these and the lack of fresh air has really not helped me. I have had a tendency to veg out and play games like almost being frozen in my house, and it has to change soon.
My son has said he is making some changes and cleaning his life up. He has been on a diet as he finds now he has got to 38 that you can’t just keep abusing your body and expect it not to react. He lost weight and has now put it all back on. I can see he is quite genuine about making changes and is going on a juice fast. I cooked dinner for him today and had an early night, I am stopping the hello fresh as they are very calorific although my weight is pretty stable at the moment but it does seem to fluctuate a bit. They made another mistake this week and instead of getting the dishes I ordered they chose for me and of course, sent me things I do not like.

[Monica1]

Well it has been 8 days since I last posted and I guess I have been in a bit of a funk in which I get lazier, bored, lazy etc. Work is quiet but I have to stay alert for emails and things with about two ms teams meetings a week. I have done very little and not cooked since Sunday. For now, to continue to work from home. The colleagues who didn’t manage to get to work from home, one of them has gone off with covid symptoms.

I have decided I gotta get out of the funk. 9 weeks and one day stuck indoors and I am soooooo fed up. have taken next week off to try and get going again. I need some discipline and catch up on my course work. Plus get the body moving. Have a plan and a programme and stick to it.

Boris proved himself on Monday to be a complete dipstick and endangering people again which He has a bad habit of doing. To see the jubilee line packed on Monday was deeply saddening. The lies, rhetoric and spin is so boring, I don’t even listen to the daily updates any more. I know they have to start up somehow but it really is too early. Two more staff members have died of covid at work, a Nurse and a doc. The true number of deaths is about 40,000 according to ONS this morning. And one week in care homes was about 8,000. Can u imagine standing by doing nothing as all those people died? They just let it happen. We are led by a buffoon.

[vera]

Lockdown has serious consequences, Monica. I have had strong reservations about it from the getgo.
There will be heads rolling when the truth is exposed, methinks.
We need to look at the wider picture and take back control of our lives.
Our destiny is in God’s Hands. We need to think outside the proverbial box and be proactive by taking personal responsibility.
I am limited to what I can say here. I had a family situation over the weekend that involved going against the current legislation , regarding travel. The reality of Life does not conform to/with current restrictions which will never be sustainable in a democracy.
Get out into the sunshine, Monica.
Like gambling recovery, “covid” recovery needs a strong kick start.
Look at the alternative platforms instead of the narrative which is being pushed from the mainstream media.
I hope you are getting a break from the online games?

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica

I think it is important that you prioritise a health check-up. You have been concerned about kidney pain for a time and it is not good to neglect these things.

That’s all I am commenting tonight because I want you hear what I have just said.

[Monica1]

Ty idi,Vera and rg. Helpful.
Despite waking up to a large swelling or spot on my forehead (too much chocolate does that) and I rarely get spots. Today I got up and got dressed with a work blouse, covered the shadows under the eyes with makeup and it did make a difference. Had a busy work day for once and an ms team meeting with my bosses. They said I look well. Amazing what a bit of dressing and cover up can do. Gets me out of my favourite torn kaftan I wear day and night.
Day went quickly, enjoyed the gma group session and then did my online class which was also good.
Ty idi, I am monitoring my fluid balance for a couple of days before I go to docs. Pain less bothersome now.
And yes, rg you have a good pm and he is indeed easy on the eye!

[Steev]

I’ve not seen you post for a while nor in group (although I am not there that often myself these days!) so just checking all is well with you. Post again when you can. Take good care!

[Monica1]

Long time no here from me! The reason is because there has been a weekly outreach group from GM for women and I have not felt the need to post at all as the group is great. Also do weekly mindfulness with Gordon Moody which is also helpful.
nI am fine. Lockdown was hard no doubt about that but had its pluses.
nMy 6th grandchild was born on 8th July, Bo, coming in at 9 lbs 8 oz. It was a long labour around 14 hours and a forceps delivery. After a bit of a scare a week in as he had respiratory distress, he is doing fine now and a lovely baby. I have not seen him yet because my son and shanti are wisely keeping in their bubble but they send me pics and videos.
nIt looks like we will be returning to work in September. I have gone in a couple of days but the tube and the hospital make me a little nervous.
nI have a diagnosis for my gut which is hypersentitive stomach and colon due to h.pylori. I am in general well and diet once a month but continue to eat well with fresh food.
nI am still doing up the house gradually and slowly.
nI am getting engaged to Pete and we are both saving up for an overseas wedding in two years.
nAll in all I am well and have nothing to complain about. During lockdown I spent quite a bit gaming but I have a handle on it now and still manage to budget and save. I play other games that cost very little.
nMy sister was made redundant from her job after being there for 43 years last week. She had been in furlough. As she has a year till retirement this was a Good thing. They felt bad and offered her her job back for another year until retirement but she said no. Sensible as why work when you can have years salary for not working. It’s a no brainer.
nI will try and post more but the weekly women’s group has been great.

[Steev]

Both on your engagement and on the arrival of your grandchild … 6th!

Good also that you have a diagnosis on your stomach issues – I am no further forwards with mine and seem to have reached a deadend with my GPs as they are saying it is IBS as well as Diverticular but are not referring me on.  I have good days and bad days with it.   I am considering moving to Scotland before the end of the year to try and access the health service there and see if I can get any further.

Other than that I don’t really have any other news.  Just waiting out in the UK until a vacinne arrives – then hopefully I can pick up where I left off in France and move onto Spain and Portugal.  I am not letting my health problems stop me from doing that.

Be good to hear how things are going with you – but I understand if you are getting good support elsewhere.   Take good care.

[steph40]

Thank you for sharing your story on here! I read your entire thread and was moved by it and found it very inspirational, I am on day 19 of being GF. I look forward to the day I can say I have been GF for 2+ years. You have a talent in writing so I hope you write your book. All the best to you.

[Monica1]

Thank you so much. Yes, my story on here goes back three years on here to August 14th 2017, will be three years next week. Recovery equals new life. I cant say that everything is great and I still deal with the debt fallout but I appreciate life and recovery. There is much to appreciate.

[Monica1]

My son moved out two weeks before baby was born. Nice flat nearby but very expensive. He got a business loan and work came through for his business. My mum has polymyalgia rheumatica and is now on steroids. She had been in a lot of pain and was fobbed off with paracetamol. Only when she accidentally o.d’d on it did they test her. And now it was announced last week not to give paracetamol for arthritic pain.

[steph40]

Congratulations on your new grandson and engagement. My first grandchild was born in December. It’s nice to have a bit of happiness during these crazy times. One of the things I took from your posts is that I need to get more supports in place to stay gamble free. I would love to do inpatient treatment as I think it would help me with a lot of the reasons I gamble but I can’t afford that and I still have 3 kids at home.

[lizbeth4]

Congrats on your new Grandbaby and your engagement. There is a lot to be grateful for. Take care.

[Monica1]

Yes indeed, there is a lot to be grateful for. We all met up on Wednesday for a Spanish socially distanced tapas. The food was dreadful, really but seeing shanti, my grandson, Bo who is totally beautiful was great. Fell in love with the baby and took,photos of him in my sons arms just gazing at him. Well yesterday was my 3 year gf anniversary. I had a long chat with my friend Charmaine with cancer who had done exceptionally well on radiotherapy alone to the ex tent she is now looking for work. She still has a small secondary in her lung but it is not growing and will be monitored. So it is possible to survive years with what used to be a death sentence ie stage 4 cancer. My GP called me late Thursday evening and said that she agrees with me that I am excreting large amounts of protein but with normal kidney function and something is awry somewhere so a referral to a renal physician. I have known this for months but did nothing about it and during lockdown I have struggled with energy levels having days where I feel quite tired but I am not alone in that. She said my white cell ***** had been chronically high which she never told me before. I told her it was the inflammation in my gut which is reasonably under control And she agreed. Comes to something where u have to tell your docs what is wrong and the cause of something rather than them working it out. With my medical knowledge I know that this could be something sinister and rare like Amyloid or a recurrence of the cancer, but I remain positive and have fixed a kinesiology session for Monday. Seems to all be related strangely to the Dominican episode last May where this all kicked off. Seems to be the week for the kidney as my daughter had a kidney infection, and has been in some pain.
nPete was meant to come round as he wanted to celebrate the 3 years gf which is nice but he got called to help his family on moving stuff for his half brother who is in hospital. I could tell he felt bad about that and said he would come much later in the evening. I said not to as I would sooner have quality time rather than grab an hour in the evening. So we will see each other today ie Saturday and he is coming round early.

[Steev]

Good to see you posting again and glad that you were able to meet your grandson at last.  That must have been really special.

I hope that your health scare is sorted quickly and proves to be nothing serious.  It is great that you have such a positive attitude about it.

I am a little excited because I have found a lovely place to stay in Scotland – in the borders, near Edinburgh – near the top end of my budget but it looks totally worth it.   Will see if it happens!

Take good care of yourself!

[Monica1]

Well, as Kin said he is glad I posted I am starting to post again and still do my gma group on a Thursday.
nTY steev. Well, it has been nearly six months now working from home and I guess people in a similar boat start to go a little stir crazy.
nI had my kinesiology appointment and now have some homeopathic remedies for the kidneys. It revealed some interesting things that I won’t discuss in the forum because they could seem a bit woo woo but they made perfect sense to me. One day I will but this was quite deep stuff. What I will say and what was Interesting was two themes patience, which I could relate to as I had been getting impatient about a number of things that very morning before the consult and a fear of being hurt came up. Now that was interesting because that very next day pete and I have never argued in over a year about anything, it has been that good. But he was in a flummox as a woman whom he did some work for hit on him in lockdown When they were sharing a drink together and he left rapidly without knowing what to say. She now wants himTo go back and do some work. We tried to discuss it and he was a bit angry and frustrated about everything, personally I think he overworks as he works 7 days a week and it is beginning to impact on him. I wondered why he hadn’t said he had a partner and why he felt he couldn’t say that. He kept calling me his ex partner and then he all of a sudden decided to go home as he was struggling with his feelings. He said he didn’t want to upset me which was the last thing he wanted but his behaviour particularly after I had just cooked a meal he had eaten was hurtful. I felt quite hurt by this which triggered memories of all the times he had hurt me deeply many years ago now, 14 or 15 years. I think subconsciously I am holding these memories in my cellular memory as I ended up with kidney cancer after a difficult time with him and now I have a problem with my kidney. The homeopathic remedies work on a deep level, I found the whole thing fa scinating. My appointment with the kidney doc is not until end of a OCtober so I will keep going with alternative remedies until then. It is strange just how these themes came up and they resonated a day or so later. Particularly when we hadn’t had a cross word in a year and a half.
nWell, Pete rang and apologised at lunchtime the next day. I explained how I felt and he explained how he felt. I said he knows I will not have anger in my house and he got it. I also Said that we are never to go to bed on an argument. They are my rules, and he understood. He just found being hit on by a client very difficult to deal with particularly as she is related to a very good friend and client of his. I was just hurt by his attitude but he more than made up for it by his apology today and we both understood where we were both coming from.
n
nWell, another night alone and not watching tv as I don’t really like tv any more. Just pottering about with my iPad.

[Steev]

Talking these things through – is a good thing, better I think than him bottling it up and it coming out in a different argument, which I know is something that I was guilty of.  It sounds as if you will need to get used to each other again – it is a new beginning for you both.

I have also stopped watching TV.  Not sure what that is about!

[Monica1]

I think Pete and I know each other very well, it was a case of declaring what is acceptable and what isn’t. And I mean it!
nThursday for me was very busy. Sent my sister a large bouquet and champers for her 65th. She has been made redundant from her job of 43 years and is looking for something part time. They sent her flowers as a goodbye. Pathetic after 43 years and no leaving do or anything. I could not fit everything in and ended up falling asleep in the middle of my next course, deepening medical intuition. Good job I can repeat it..
n
n

[Monica1]

Well, it has been a very long time since I last posted. I have my weekly GMA women’s group and that has been a source of great support. And is probably the main reason why I have not posted. But as year end approaches I am mindful of looking back over the last year and looking ahead to the next. And what a year it has been. Hard to know where to start. But when I look back at the goals I had in mind for 2020, I have In fact achieved a few of them.
I have continued to work from home and it is amazing how used you can get to just being on home arrest. I have had three battles on returning to work and won all three of them. The last one was just a day or two before we went into tier 4 lockdown and now they have backed off completely. Some of my boss’s team, not mine, did go in and now there is a covid outbreak amongst some of those that did go in. Glad I held out but it was draining. And we had an on line memorial service for the 5 nhs staff we lost in the first wave. That was moving and upsetting.
Christmas Day was spent at home. I watched white Christmas and the cooked a superb organic Xmas dinner from 11am to 4.30pm. Pete came round at 4.30 and we spent a lovely afternoon snd evening together. I got my engagement ring for Xmas, the only present in fact. It is gorgeous gold and turquoise stones. Unfortunately, it didn’t fit and I now wear it on my little finger till the jewellers are open again and we can have it altered. My mum spent Xmas alone but when I rang her on Xmas day, she sounded ok, a neighbour who is in her bubble was with her. My sister was the most upset and cried, having to spend Xmas day with nick and no presents. She was so used to cooking for us all. I actually, t9 be home eat, enjoyed Xmas day more than I would usually.

[Monica1]

Doing this In sections so as not to lose it. Pete left midday on Boxing Day but took someleft over dinner and dessert for the elderly chap he lives with. I had cooked a roast beef the day before and he gave it all to Bailey, misunderstanding something I said. I simply laughed about it. I spent the rest of Boxing Day alone which was fine and Pete rang me in the evening to thank me for all the food.
Since lockdown in March, and being at home, I have put back 10 lbs of the 30 lbs I lost. I have had health issues and ended up seeing a cardiologist and a renal physician. The cardiologist as I had become breathless walking up stairs snd had a tachycardia and a slightly iffy ecg. But was discharged after a normal x ray and echo. Turns out everything was made much worse by nicotine replacement therapy which I cannot now do as ticker too sensitive to it. Always knew I had something wrong with my kidneys in lockdown and indeed I do. It looks as though I have an autoimmune kidney disease called iga nephropathy. It can only be confirmed by biopsy but they are fairly certain it is that. It causes ones cholesterol to rise to very high levels which mine did. I was really concerned at the crowded waiting room when I went for the ultrasound plus no temperatures taken so I have deferred the biopsy to the spring. It is done awake, yuck…. I have done some medical research and it seems untreAted H pylori can cause this disease. Wasn’t told that by the medics. So, eradicate the h pylori and the kidney disease can improve. 1in 4 will develop renal failure or it can go into remission. For the 4th time this year my back is giving me problems caused by carrying heavy boxes. So, as one gets older, health issues knock on ones door. My stomach and colon have improved, however, saying all of that.
As for everything else at a standstill really, I hope for better things in 2021. My debt issues have still not improved, only being able to make tiny inroads in 2020. More to follow with hopes for 2021.

[Monica1]

Ty Kin. And I wish the same to you and your family.
I spent from lunchtime on the 26th to yesterday evening alone. Although I am meant to be working I haven’t done very much as it is very quiet. Although, there has been a call out in London for all staff clinical and non clinical to see if they can go in. Hospitals in London are becoming dangerously overwhelmed with Covid and it is a critical and worrying time.
Pete came round last night but was quite tired as indeed was I. I made a roast lamb dinner which was really good but we ate late and I ended up falling asleep. Pete mentioned that pre lockdown I was looking great, slim and vibrant and not so much now. I have to say I agree. He is encouraging me to get on the treadmill. I had worked hard on it though pre Covid snd it all culminated in one of the best days ever this year, February 25th, pre lockdown when Pete and I went to Brighton to see the lighthouse family.
Now nearly ten months stuck in the house from March 7th, working from home and it has had its affect. A lack of exercise and generally not feeling great. And not being able to do much about it as all non essential shops r closed and hospitals are not safe places to even go for an appointment now. I have deferred all medical procedures to the spring. I have had a few urges as I am incredibly bored and fed up with this situation. I think lockdown is very very damaging for many but the alternative isn’t the better option. So it is a case of just staying safe. What do people do when they are in prison, just try and keep fit and well I suppose. Survive.
Normally I would be writing my goals for 2021 as I usually do but this year it is different. I would like for Covid to be obliterated worldwide and for some things to get back to a safe normal. And to recover my health. The diet is starting on 4th January so we will see where we go with it. I will carry on with the courses I have done this year, two of them complete, one just about to finish, second part of another starting on 7th January and the diets course I am massively behind on. But I have done 4 courses during 2020 and completed two nearly three so am pleased with that. Time not entirely wasted.
I wish everyone on the site a gambling free 2021 and that we can all return to some type of normality in 2021.

[Steev]

I hope you have a happy and healthy 2021 Monica … oh and gamble free of course!

[Monica1]

Hello Kin
Yes, it has been a long time since I last posted. I have found lockdown tough being confined to the flat on my own. I remain gf, it is now three and a half years. My financial situation is unchanged but during the Covid 2nd wave I have not been bothered too much with creditors.
Late January and February were quite tough for me. My smoking finally caught up with me. I have been diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome and despite it being urgent, admission for a kidney biopsy has been delayed till mid March. I should have had my first Astra Zeneca vax by then. I developed breathlessness and cardiac arrhythmias and it was very difficult to access my gp, primary care practitioner and kept being fobbed off with go to a and e by the reception staff. Eventually three weeks later my gp said two week wait for routine ecg and five weeks for 24 hour one. So I did my own ecg and staggered down to my gp surgery with the trace. I could not even walk ten yards. Ended up seeing a very rude cardiologist at my local hospital. A blood test for clot activity was three times above normal and I was treated for a blood clot in the lung or heart and sent home to inject myself in the tummy with clot busting injections. This was a truly horrible time and I decided to go cold Turkey with cigarettes at the same time. I am now on day 16. A lung scan a few days later failed to reveal any clots in the lungs. I am still awaiting other cardiac tests but I can now say I am all addiction free, the toughest of all was the cigs. I am taking Ayurvedic medicine and the arrhythmia’s are easing off every day but at one point they were really bad. It feels good not to smoke. This was after all a 49 year pack plus a day habit.
Today I am reasonably ok, still working from home. I found the isolation after now one year working from home and living alone really quite difficult. Pete had also been quite tired of all of this as well and in the recent very snowy bad weather wasn’t able to earn. Also, have desperately needed a dentist as my front teeth crowns are loose and falling out but like 3verything in healthcare only the most urgent dentistry is being done right now.
I would so love to give the best news but right now surviving and staying well is my priority for myself and my family. I think here in the U.K. we have all had a complete bashing from Covid and are so ready to reopen and end lockdown again. It has been so bad for all ages mental health to be stuck with lockdown.

[Monica1]

Hello all
Well, it has been a year and seven months since I last posted. Thanks Kin for missing me. Idi will know what happened and I wonder if she still posts. My battle has not been with gambling but in staying alive. In the second lockdown, I became very seriously I’ll losing all my function, dizziness and tachycardia, and over the period of a month became unable to walk, stand or even sit upright. I was unable to access any medical care in lockdown and ended up doing my own ECG. It is a long story and some day i will write about it but I ended up spending four months in hospital. I was diagnosed with two terminal anD incurable diseases, the very rare one in eight million systemic AL amyloidosis and multiple myeloma or bone marrow cancer. I have been trapped on a bed in one room now since discharge in August 21 waiting for appropriate disabled access housing. In May 21 I was given three to four months to live but am still here despite having zero quality of life. I have carers and Pete helps a lot. I am carried out using specialist equipment and stretchered everywhere, It has been one difficult road and I will be on chemo for two years. The amyloid is in my heart, kidneys, liver, spleen autonomic nervous system and started in my kidneys, I am on twice weekly dialysis. Amyloid is a disease of the plasma cells in the bone marrow which create misfolded proteins. The proteins deposit in organs and basically shut them down. It is pretty horrible. But I am still alive. Have I gambled through all this. I think I probably did once as you can imagine being stuck in a bed day in day out gets pretty boring. It did nothing for me and I don’t want to do it any more, it simply,doesn’t hold anything for me now. I am much more engaged now with staying alive. merry Xmas all.

[Monica1]

Hi Kin
Lovely to hear from you. I will catch up on your thread soon. I can guarantee you I am no angel! I have just been for chemo and shared an ambulance back with a young woman who has had a liver transplant and has also been through the mill. There is always someone having a difficult time in life and the lesson is to count one’s blessings. If you are alive and have your health, you are blessed. You can always rebuild your life from that first step, day 1 although you don’t (well I don’t) want to repeat too many day 1s stuck on the gambling roundabout.
Because I am terminally ill creditors from the past which are some big numbers don’t bother me. Financially, I am ok as my work covered my pay, in part, whilst I was very I’ll. i gave up gambling and smoking and then got 2 terminal illnesses. So much for life getting better. Not in my case! Some folks get all the luck don’t they?
I still spend money on computer games but only a few pounds here and there. I can honestly say I just don’t want to gamble. I succeeded in stopping smoking when i got sick after 40 odd years. The next will be not to rely on OxyContin for pain which I have to at the moment. I ran out and haven’t haD any for two days. I have only been on it for three months and boy did I notice. Withdrawals already, emotions coming up like a submarine surfacing. I don’t like being addicted to anything, and seem to have an addictive nature. I have given up all addictions so the painkiller will be next.

[Monica1]

Don’t feel ashamed or guilty as everyone has big issues they are dealing with. It is only when we hear of others difficulties that we can gain some perspective. Things are mega difficult in the U.K.at the moment and sickness is rife. There are major issues in the cost of living and multiple strikes. I have had an incredibly difficult time, and have now been trapped on a bed in a room since I got sick in March 21. It is torture sometimes both from the imprisoned perspective and the treatment. Plus I am in this state due to delays in treatment and access to medical care during lockdown. Things should have happened six months earlier and the disease would not have travelled to the heart and nervous system causing so much disability. I am a free spirit so this has been torture losing all my independence. But in May 21 I was given 3 to 4 months and 8 am still here, very mentally intact but physically disabled.

[sulls]

Hi Monica
I followed you a few years ago when I was starting out on recovery. Hope 2023 brings you peace and better health

[rivers527]

Hi Monica I have read your posts for the last 5 years which have helped me greatly overcome this addiction that plagues all of us that are here reading these posts. Trying to find a win beyond just getting back to evens but actually going ahead and staying ahead without putting it all back in and more. It’s been over 5 years for me clean but nearly 20 before that to get there and rock bottom of course to find my way out. I moved abroad and I have a career a wife a son and savings. I get urges to go back to it but when I do I think of this forum and what it means to keep fighting to persevere to endure and to get through it. It wasn’t our battle to choose if I am honest the internet made it all too easy and the government sat and watched the Pennie’s come in. I guess us gamblers always have an excuse and someone to blame. Maybe I would have done the same in the bookies but just not as quickly who knows. Anyway the way you write what you have shared and your recovery changed my life and as I see you now have health issues I wish you all the very best for your treatments and stay strong – you have many supporters here and we are grateful for you sharing your journey – you mattered and you helped people like me so much . I am sorry to jump in but I thought it was finally time to say thankyou – and to all that share their journeys with this addiction too easily offered to us under UK law. Good luck to all you will win more without the dopamine kicks – just give yourself a chance to not have to win it all twice and just earn it and appreciate it – you won already by working hard for it you don’t need to flush it three times to make sure its real. It is real and cherish it it’s enough. Good luck all.

[monica]

Hello and thanks for your message.
Your story and your gratitude can make the difference. Feel free to join us and share other details every time you need it. Each story can help others during their recovery.

All the best

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope all is well with you. I’ve learned a lot from you and your journey.

[Author]

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