[i-did-it]

Gambling has destroyed most of the last decade for me. I have always gambled – as a child it was a family pastime – for many members of my family it has become an addiction .

I am now In my forties and gambling has taken too much from me – it has taken family time , prosperity, friendships and so much more .

It has taken my peace of mind, my joy, perhaps even my destiny.

Now  as I write this I realise gambling hasn’t taken these things – I have GIVEN these things away.

I have always had a choice, (and yes it’s not an easy one) but I simply continue to make the  wrong one.

[i-did-it]

Sometimes a new perspective is very helpful.
Today I woke up knowing things had to change- no I woke up knowing I had to change things.
I am not sure what exactly CW said in chat last night but as we messaged I could feel some thoughts deep inside me shift.
I then read Craig’s thread this morning and again I felt strongly that’s it’s time to take control of my life . I look at Monica and how she has turned her life around and I think why not me ?

I have said many times that feeling put down is a trigger for me – I go straight from feeling hurt to the escape – the escape offers a fantasy that when I get the big win I will show them. In fact I have often got big wins but I have never shown anybody anything because it has always went right back. Yesterday I felt really put down -yesterday I gambled .

Day 1 – I will not gamble today .

[Dunc]

Hi IDI
Change is the prerequisite of recovery, as the expression goes “If nothing changes nothing changes”.
Just a thought, it’s easy to be hard on ourselves when sometimes we need to be kind to ourselves. In the past you’d have kept gambling to yourself, so being honest is a change in behaviour do you really need to revert to day one? Personally, I think you should consider being kind to yourself over this
You talk about Monica, she really is an inspiration and then ask “why not me” Monica gave herself a change a chance that is available to you maybe this could be reconsidered
Take Care
H

[Monica1]

The difference between you and I is only that I went so far down with gambling after having many chances to stop and didn’t. I totally destroyed everything with it, I was sick, unemployed, destitute and was one step from being in the gutter and losing my home. I also did gma and the counselling helped. My big issue with life and gambling was a spiritual crisis and it took a spiritual awakening in a brand new way to come out of it. I still have many problems but it is one day at a time. I have gratitude for life itself. There r no guarantees in life of anything but I know that gambling stole five and a half years of my life and took everything. Gma taught me my triggers and nothing is ever worth going back. As kin would say, anger, loneliness, upset, hunger, boredom, nothing is ever worth it. I choose not to be dominated by the beast of gambling that is to me like a living entity. One awake it lives and becomes an obsession. I always say to others dont plunge down as far as I did before we wake up. The big win is a lie.
Anyway glad u opened up another thread! Speak over the weekend.

[lizbeth4]

Glad that you started a new thread. Many things you have said reflect things in my life, except I am starting my sixties. Family members gamble and many are addicted, and thats how i started gambling. Being put down is a big trigger for me also. I know you can change things. I think that when you put yourself first, you are a better you and a better person for your loved ones. I’ve messed up relationships, ect with my years of gambling. But hey, we can’t go back only forwards. The people who stood by me and still love me with all of my faults are the people I want in my life because I feel the same for them. So, Don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember that you are worth it!

[kin]

Support!

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for the really lovely posts. I appreciate each of you taking the time to write to me.
I feel so much happier today . I had a lovely night out with Friends last night .

I have only had one gambling thought – to do the lottery -because I still think I will win it – so I am making a conscious decision not to do it (which is actually proving really hard). I never really ***** the lottery as gambling – it’s only a few quid, but giving up the lottery is really giving up “the dream”.

I will have to work until retirement age – this is a new realisation for me. I always somewhere believed a miracle would happen – and I would be living a great life with lots of money.
The thing is this will happen when I stop gambling. It will happen really quickly.
My salary has risen considerably during the past decade but my lifestyle has deteriorated..
I might not be able to retire but I might be able to go part-time if I wish .
I am starting to realise that gambling in any form is not the solution .
I have no idea why it had taken me so long to realise this – the easy fix I dreamt of has broken so much .

Feeling blessed today

[finding_laura]

Waking up with morning coffee so not very wise. Barely on grunting level! I will be in chat in 25 minutes. I had to realize that I didn’t want the effects or the actual time wasting of gambling in my life. “no matter what”. Seems now and again I forget. Haven’t gambled since my slip. Or blip. Temporary insanity. take care friend.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura
Thank you for your post .
You are right – the effects of gambling are just not worth it.

I have locked down my phone at last – I discovered that I don’t need anyone to set a code – I just need to keep putting in the wrong code on restrictions and eventually I will be locked out for a long time – every now and then I need to update this – it a barrier – not foolproof – but locking down my phone has been the most helpful barriers in the past.
Is rod my current barriers have been set by putting in the wrong codes and getting locked out – this is so good as it’s fairly instant and when I get a new phone again I won’t have to down load and sign up for stuff .

I am seriously considering residential treatment – what’s stopping me ? Firstly – what do I tell work ? Do I pretend to be sick (well I guess my mind is lol)?
What do I tell family ? I’m not ready for a big confession (and never will be – or maybe I will when I have something good to share )
Is there any point in going when I need to build such a web of lies to get there ?
Would it really help? I found speaking in GA horrendous – would I be the same in group therapy? I think maybe I’m a kinda closed person .
I’m not on benefits So how do I pay?

I want to go and give myself a real chance at recovery but it seems such a huge step!

[finding_laura]

Good talking with you earlier. I was raised catholic and my guilty conscience is well developed lol I’ve been feeling guilty for not being able to be here supporting others like I want to be able to.

So, questions. Residential Treatment. As for work, well, it is considered a psychiatric illness technically so yes, you are ill when going for treatment. They have no need to know any more. As long as you have a medical practitioner sign you off work as ill.

What do you tell family. That’s a biggie. I know honesty is always the best policy. But I do know that there can be exceptions. That is really up to you.

What about something in between? Does your work benefits cover any counseling? I was so lucky to have counseling with someone who specialized in gambling addiction. She helped me work through a lot of things. But a lot of the time we talked of things other than my addiction. They often say that the gambling addiction is the 10% of the problem that is showing. Much like an iceberg there is much beneath the surface that is part of the problem.

Just some thoughts IDI. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday. My time finally shifted last night. So I’m back on track for meetings.

Take care,
Laura xo

[Nick]

Thank you for your uplifting message on my journal, i am the same as you i will never tell my family it’s not worth burdening them when all they will do is treat me as stupid and hope it goes away.

[Monica1]

Good to hear about your phone. I am getting an upgrade soon and will need to consider how to block as now i have no internet access which helps me.
On gma, it isn’t the same as GA. the residentials are two to three months apart and last 4 days each. You could take annual leave from work. From what I recall, there wasn’t group therapy per se, there is one session of therapy to start but more along our life path and things that have happened to us, which I found very helpful. There are group sessions on triggers. If not on benefits I am not sure what the cost is. Rural Hereford is a nice location, a bit like a country retreat than a treatment centre.
Thank you for your post on my thread!

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura , Nick and Monica .

Yes I can self certify for a week I guess.
The perfectionist part of me hates taking time off work (sad I know ).
Nick I understand The need for not telling people – to be honest laura my work does have free counselling but I don’t trust them not to blab- I think we could safely say I don’t trust many people- and I think recent misjudgements on my part have reinforced that .

Just as well I have shut my phone down because I am so sure right now that I have the formula to win- I just need to make bigger deposits and place larger bets – much larger !
Now doesn’t that make a lot of sense ? Crazy brain is feeling frustrated that I can’t gamble – in fact I just bought a £2 scratch card – lottery is not good for me because I have to face people and ask for the cards – it’s not anonymous enough – so could Only buy one .
Already crazy brain is telling me to start buying £10 tickets and pretend they are for Xmas presents – luckily sane. brain is too embarrassed to ask for them

So there’s my struggle – am I in recovery ? Maybe on my way there ..maybe …

[i-did-it]

Oh and one more thing- I am finding that people on this site are being so kind to me… and I realise this so kinda new for me … I am battle weary !

[Monica1]

For many Xmas’ I bought scratch cards for the family five pound and ten pound ones. The last Xmas gambling I bought loads of them. Last Xmas I had nothing so couldn’t get anything at all. I now buy none since in recovery and don’t care about the lottery. The buying of these cards that Xmas triggered a full blown binge as soon as I got home from Xmas so I figure that even one scratch card could trigger something bigger, and I don’t want that. The gambling brain seeks any where it can gamble which might be acceptable to us.
You are still in early days idi, and I agree with others be kind to yourself. To me the big win which we all craved at one point or still crave is not coming through my gambling.

[kathryn]

As far as I know there is not one residential treatment facility for gambling addiction in Australia and if there is im sure its on the other side of the country. I don’t think it is perceived as a huge problem here (which is an ABSOLUTE joke). Gambling is such a culture here, for instance, tomorrow is the Melbourne Cup, a big horse race….personally I couldn’t care less, ive never been one for the horses, but…..it is a public holiday. For a horse race! Go figure!!! I am taking the public holiday of course!!! (we’re closed) so that’s nice but really?????
Im not sure that this addiction will ever really be taken seriously. But hey, we can only work on us right?
So I took today off too…….5 day weekend for me, woohoo!!!
Theres a lot I need to do. The never ending house!!!!
Stay strong, Love K xxx

[velvet]

Hi IDI
I think that all experiences, good and bad, are not ‘lost’ times but times when we add different dimensions to our personalities – if we improve our lives as a result of those experiences then surely the time was not lost.
How can we tell what our destiny was to have been, or is to be, when every day we are being bombarded with new ideas in an ever changing world? I am positive that being on this site and sharing large lumps of ourselves with others is not the destiny that either of us would have planned but we are both, in our own way, trying to make the best of our experiences ‘so far’.
I wish you well in your recovery whether or not you decide that GMA is right for you.
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kathryn , Monica and Velvet for your posts .
Kathryn I thought it was perceived as a significant problem
In Australia as some of the best resources online which I have come accross are from there . However I guess they don’t have many laws or rules to protect those with addiction.

Velvet , your comments are so true . As a result of this addiction I find that I am a much more compassionate person and I understand that life isn’t always black and white . This has been hugely helpful to me in my work and in my friendships – in both I deal with people who are doing their best even though it might not look like enough to others.

Today has been a good day. – Driving home from work, I again felt that if I just made a big deposit and played really big bets I would have a Big win. Interestingly these thoughts always come with specific amounts of winnings which seem unrelated to anything .

I can live with urges – I can no longer live with the consequences of acting on them.

Onwards and upwards !

[i-did-it]

I have just come from the worse group where I felt unheard.
It was horrible, demotivating and I’m not sure why I go .
I gamble online – for me I need to limit access to online gambling. (ATM) So carrying a few extra quid in my purse to work is not going to make much difference. It has never on all my years occured to me to go to a casino where I live (almost 30 years) . (I do find It hard to say no when I visit my mum ) Cutting off access to online will and has in the past stopped me from gambling
I have set up my phone blocker to do this
And I know i it was foolish to stop using it when I got my new phone. This worked for me . I have gone two days with urges but no online gambling because I simply can’t.

We are back to this truth that one size doesn’t fit all- in the past I have emptied my bank account so I can’t gamble online – this has worked for me also . Others can’t have a spare tenner in their wallet or they will end up in a casino or bookies !

Goes to prove – one size doesn’t fit all!!

[charles]

Hello IDI,

Please believe that you were fully heard. It is great that you have that blocker installed and and I look forward to hearing about any other changes you are making. The steps that you are going to take to “take control of your life.”

The Topic was ATM though – Access, time and Money. Whilst that obviously includes things like the blocker it was not limited to that and nor was the discussion. If you feel that the other things discussed weren’t relevant to you then that is a shame but of course you weren’t the only person there and, as always, we spent the hour discussing various things that were relevant to the ATM Topic.

I look forward to seeing you again in groups and of reading your progress here.

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your post.
I felt everything was relevant .
I have known for many years what ATM is – explaining it yet again onmy thread After several times in group exemplifies exactly what I am saying !.
I simply felt people heard what they wanted to hear – rather than listen to what I was saying.

I have made the most important change for now which is installing a blocker to help me “take control of my life “.
I am happy with this for now .

I am taking Harry’s advice and being kind to myself !

[i-did-it]

And I am so glad I have that blocker tonight ! 

Yes it’s a shame I had to test it – but it’s great that it stood the test !

Trying to gamble when you have cut off access is  so disappointing and such a relief at the same time .

it’s  strange – you can almost smell freedom but some part  you hates to let your old friend go. 

I  guess if it was easy I wouldn‘t need to have barriers.

i wonder how much better off I am going  to sleep tonight – I wish I had an app like Kathyrn has for smoking. I will make a conservative estimate  I have saved £140- that kinda feels good!  I will treat myself to something new !

[i-did-it]

Had a very industrious day – already feeling the benefits of not gambling – I think maybe my finances are somehow quite good despite gambling a huge chunk of my monthly wages- I have been careful since.!

I have not bought new clothes in a while./ but tonight I think I will go shopping – I had thought maybe I will go to bingo but think I might prefer a new top. Just having the space the blocker gives me to clear my head and think is amazing. .

I feel more in control of my life – it’s like the way I view things had suddenly been illuminated – I can see what helps me and what is unhelpful !

I am doing ok!

[i-did-it]

It is so nice to wake up and know I haven’t gambled yesterday.
I feel a sense of freedom that I haven’t had in so long (since I upgraded my phone in August.). I don’t know why I didn’t lock down my phone sooner – in truth some part of me didn’t want to . I have bought the correct cover and tempered glass for this phone – so hopefully I won’t have to change it for many years.

I did try to get around my phone blocker last night – but only for half an hour or so- I just be improving !lol !

Checked my bank account – still looking ok- a little more frugal living and I should be ok this month if there are no emergencies ! I didn’t buy clothes yesterday ( I need them badly ) , I will survive with what I have until next payday.

Today I am going to say well done to me because despite everything I have managed to hold down a job and work hard for all these years! It will stand me in good stead now I am not gambling

Have a great day everyone .

[i-did-it]

Another gamble free day over !
I probably will try to break past my blocker before bed .

I’m not sure why but this helps me put the urges to bed also !

My mind is daft !

[lizbeth4]

Hi. I’m glad the blocker is helping you. I need to find some more barriers. Casinos are my venue. Thanks for your support. I’m feeling better after my relapse. If it wasn’t for people like you, I wouldn’t keep trying. I fully understand not telling your family. I have and it falls on deaf ears as they don’t take me seriously and don’t support me. Here, I don’t feel judged. I hope you’ve had a good day! Thanks again.

[i-did-it]

Thank you lizbeth also for your support.
So unbelievably an emergency did arise – cannot be too specific on here but it was good to have some cash to cover it . Looks like I stopped just in the nick of time and. A huge reminder of how important money is – not just having enough , but also having a safety net to cover those unexpected expenses . Success is motivating !

Now need to be even more careful with money – still haven’t managed to get around my blocker – all good ! Almost a week already ! Time flies …

[i-did-it]

Another gamble freee day – woke up and checked the bank first thing – it makes such a difference not to be frantically thinking how to cover the latest loss.

What’s different this time is That I have layers of barriers- if one fails there is the the next one. Last time when I got mynew phone , the blocker wasn’t on it and this led to three or four months gambling . This time even if change phones my cards are blocked, I have self banned for so many casinos I would find it difficult to find one and I have also joined GAMSTOP, which disappointingly is the most ineffective barrier of all.

I have also let go of support which isn’t supportive. I should not be challenged for setting barriers – perhaps it’s ok for not setting them- although I find encouragement much more motivating . If what we are doing isn’t working- stop doing it !

Will I stay gamble free ? Hopefully . Will I keep working on it ? Definitely.

Life is so much better when we are gamble free.

[finding_laura]

briefly checking in to see how things are going. I survived my busy day yesterday. Off to work. Thank goodness it’s Friday. I have a holiday on Monday so short week next week. I have no idea if I will make it to group tonight. Keep going IDI. Today I will be gamble free. Laura

[Monica1]

So glad you are getting your things back. I really hope u stay here idi. Support, support support! Love x

[finding_laura]

hey, I’m running late as always. Just signed into group

[kathryn]

Glad the blocker is working, im a big believer in whatever works….do it!!!!!
Also happy to read your emergency was covered. I never plan for emergencies, and now ive said that there will probably be one (touch wood there isn’t!!!!)
Im waiting for my bestie to arrive, we are going for a walk, totally paranoid about gaining weight now that ive stopped smoking. im amazed how much better my breathing is…..energy is up too. I am rather sore today after the concert on Saturday night…..we were standing/dancing for about 7 hours, and my back isn’t liking that!!!! Worth it though, I had a great time with my daughter!
So I hope you have a great week, ive a pretty short one which is lovely, only about 5 and a half weeks till we close for xmas…..2 weeks off, yay!!! We are going camping for 1 week then have a week to do home stuff before we head back to work.
Its going to be 30c here today so id better go see Lizbeth and then get some washing on the line…..the never ending washing…..ugh!!!!
Take care of yourself,
Love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica , Laura and Kathryn for your posts .
You may have read in feedback that I have been an able to access my journal on the site – so it’s good to be back .
Kathryn I am so glad to hear you are feeling the benefits of not smoking – you always seem to full of energy and drive i- you must be like superwoman now .

All is good with me – I am disappointed that the planned weight loss hasn’t materialised but I guess I was a bit ambitious – I have lost a bit and I can continue to lose at a steady rate.
I still want it all now – even weight loss . I find it hard to be in it for the long haul !

I hope to catch up on everyone’s thread over the next few days .

[i-did-it]

I am amazed at how my money has stretched -I am surviving on a quite a limited amount . It does make me think how good life could be with my full wages each month.

It seems to silly to spend the whole month worrying about money just so I can gamble . I have been watching every penny and foolishly , sometimes when I think I cannot afford a Sunday roast , I can within minutes convince myself that I can manage without another £50 if I try my luck ! How mixed up my brain is !

I feel so disappointed in myself – in my looks , my weight, my finances , my home , my career – just about everything .

How can I put one bad decade behind and start to get my life back- where should I start? – it is all so overwhelming !

I guess I could start with not gambling !

[finding_laura]

overwhelming! Wow when you put it like that I’m overwhelmed for you. I think it starts by living and doing the best you can in the moment. Taking things one baby step at a time. Looking at life with the glass half full. I try and remind myself there are so many people who would trade with me and live my life so I’d better start appreciating and enjoying it. For me I realized that I was always looking for something external to make me happy or feel good. Instead of appreciating who I was or what I had. I can’t change the past, as much as I’d like to. I can only go forward being as true to me as I possibly can. Only so many years left to live in this life so I want to make them good ones and it is up to me to do that. Sometimes we have to sit with our feelings and seems you are doing that. But don’t forget to pick yourself up and move on in a positive way. I have total faith that you can do this. I’m hoping to be in group this evening as I had a long sleep in and no plans for tonight. Hopefully we can connect this weekend. Take care xo

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura for your post – I usually am a half full type of person. I have managed to get onto this forum – I hope this means that my blocker is sorted but it seems to let me on occasionally .

This weekend I came so close to gambling – I had the strongest urges and the opportunity but I kept reminding myself that the tenner I intended spending could ruin the next two weeks as I have never been able to stop once I start.

I am looking forward to payday next week when my finances will be restored and I can do a little shopping – last pay day I saw a beautfiful chandelier but of course I couldn’t afford it – later a spent ten times the price gambling .
Stinking thinking or what?

Gamble free and happy – can’t ask for more

[lizbeth4]

I’m happy that you didn’t gamble. I’ve had thoughts also but keep thinking about the consequences, being low on funds! Have a great day!!!!

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your reply Lizbeth.
i have managed to stay gamble free since my last post.
I am getting by financially but far from urge free. I had just decided to go to bingo but now i am on here i think i will just eat chocolate instead!
The relief of being gamble free is great but the real joy doesn’t kick in until we have at least one paycheck we haven’t gambled.

Can’t wait!

[jen3]

It’s crazy how we put ourselves in “tight money positions” yet once we clean up our mess and or more money comes in we think “we can do this” and before you know it right back where we started or worse. I know I will pay all my bills with my check a week from tomorrow. It’s the check after that worry’s me. I am so tired of digging out only to dig a bigger hole everytime.

[kathryn]

Thanks for you post on my thread, the funeral was a lovely one, It was nice to catch up with family.
Glad to read you haven’t gambled, and hey, chocolate is a good substitute for just about anything!!!!
Have a happy and safe weekend,
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen and Kathryn for your posts.

I can only access this part of the site occasionally as my phone blocker doesn’t allow access to it.

I am still gamble free. I think the urges are lessening. Today, however, I spent an hour trying to get around my blocker. I have set layers of barriers this time and it seems to be working .

Wifi is blocked at source so cannot gamble on any household devices.
Phone locked down so cannot share hotspot with household devices.
Got a limited browser on phone and appstore locked.
Bank cards no longer work online due textcode being blocked.

So today I intended spending £40 on gambling – I guess I could buy a new top instead.
The best thing so far about not gambling has to be that I present for the people in my life.

onwards and upwards….

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. The problem with an effective blocker is it blocks the good stuff. GamBlock blocked all the support when I had it and switched off my pc when I was trying to do work stuff. Complete rubbish….as we know many of these methods are useless but u have backed up x 10 your blockers which is working. I remember when I had barriers I spent half the time figuring out how to get round them. I now have only gamstop. Better to deal with our triggers and embrace gf time. That gf time becomes so precious for me. It means something, it has value for me so I respect it when I get the odd urge. To me it is a simple tussle between the light and the dark. I choose to go with a good choice today. One day at a time. x

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post on my thread! My 2020 trip is going to be a car trip. I’ve decided to save money by categories: hotel, gas, food, entrance fees, ect! It’s going to be quite the adventure! There are a lot of things I would like to do to my home to update it. It’s ongoing process. I’m happy that your blocker and barriers are working for you! Being gamble free =more money, being present for the people in your life! It makes life better!

[i-did-it]

Thank you both for our posts .
For some reason my blocker is allowing me access to the journals – it is hit and miss – I guess it would be the same with gambling sites.

I agree with all you have written Monica – it isn’t ideal to rely on blockers – although Gamstop proved to be completely useless for me- in fact thinking I was safe and letting my other blockers go was the main factor in my relapse.

Interesting it has never occurred to me to deal with my triggers – I’m not sure I know what they are other than pay in the bank .

Lizbeth your road trip sounds great – yes I think travelling by car would be much more fun.

Payday on Friday -I am going to start Christmas shopping – I will have two pays before Christmas but I have wasted them for years . I am going to buy shoes and coats for the family.

I am going to pay a little extra off my cards and start my emergency fund. It will be in my husbands bank account so should be safe .
My first pay in months that won’t be gambled !

[Monica1]

Ok, let’s talk triggers because if I learned anything from gma it was about triggers. Usually emotions but it used to be many things.
I used to be triggered by ads on the tv, not any more. I occasionally get images of bonus rounds in the slots I used to love playing but it is the colours and meanings of them. Fairy stories and magic enchantment type slots,I used to love because I loved all of these as a little girl,and maybe it is the yearning for a more innocent and simpler time. Don’t know.
I am triggered by acute tiredness at the end of the week
Emotions, anger, sadness, loneliness, feeling of hopelessness etc. Could all be triggers used as an excuse to escape. My addiction was caused by a hopelessness and a crisis of faith, both regained I hasten to add in recovery. I struggle with open conflict when it involves me, I am usually the peacemaker for others so when I am involved directly it throws me into a tailspin. I am triggered when asked for money three times in a day by family, once i can cope with now.
I would say a big trigger for you, if I may be bold enough to say so, is the feeling of being put down. There was a saying that no one can put you down unless we give them permission to do so. I don’t 100 per cent believe this. But I 85 per cent do. It isn’t an absolute. Because I have witnessed it in a meeting recently when someone attempted to put a colleague of mine down and he came straight out with it and said that looks like an attempt to undermine me, don’t do that. I admired him for that. He asserted himself. Many put downs are as a result,of the person doing the put downing personal issues that they cannot see or face. I have certainly seen that and recently I tackled that too but not face to face. I did it tactically and behind the scenes, because I judged that face to face would do more harm than good. So it is a complex issue.
Dreaming of the big win and then everything will be ok, we will be happy is a big lie. It is ok now. Now is the moment and the time, that is all there is. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was never meant to be taken literally . I think it means digging deep within for the gold rather than a big pot of gold, money etc.
Good to hear that you will be holding on to your pay. Money becomes meaningless when we gamble until we have none and then it means everything.

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica
Yes I share many triggers with you like the ads and the favourite slot images swirling round my head – but I seem to lack your determination to stay gamble free.

Recently I feel less worried about being put down- I seem to have built myself a nice support group at work and I also care less – I feel maybe my emotions have numbed somewhat . I also have less people putting me down and I can see now that their issues lie with themselves .
I love the way your colleague handled that and I will keep it in mind for when I need it .

Holding on to my pay ( at my current level of addiction)would be that same as winning a significant jackpot – I need to not gamble for three weeks til the next pay in .

And I know people will rush to say forget about three weeks – just for today …but that simply doesn’t motivate me .
I think I can do three weeks – I will have two full pays by Christmas .

I am also going to attempt to email Gamstop once again – but I expect to be ignored again – if they update my details it would be hugely helful – I can still gamble in my maiden name despite uploading several pieces of evidence to them . I feel that they should be held liable in some way for failing to do what I believe they are meant to do.

That’s about it – feeling strong and determined.
Can’t wait for Friday – payday!

[Nick]

Hi idi i too struggle with day to day , three weeks is easy to the non gambler but to us its a lifetime, i am doing okay but feel there is something missing ( gambling) however i am feeling much stronger mentally and physically without the after effects of (gambling) . We are living with an addiction and compulsion which can destroy us if we don’t recognise the signs and deflect them away somewhere else , easier said than done but it can be done we all can do it with some support and self awareness of what works for us. I personally put £5 on a football coupon every week, occasionally buy a scratchcard , buy raffle tickets, play the lottery, and before all the cured gamblers start shouting “your still gambling” back off i might spend up to £20 per week but its not destroying my life anymore i’m in the driving seat and i’m driving in the direction i want to go.

[jen3]

Going to try this again. This is my third time posting on your thread. My post keeps disappearing. It was about triggers. No clue what mine are…… happy,sad,mad, bored…. I have figured out one and it’s Money. It’s never enough. I get paid Friday as well. For the past several days my thoughts were consumed with “get 1/2 your money back from the last time than quit” “get it all back and than quit” Etc, Etc. So what if I did??? It would only eventually lead to my next nightmare. Before this slip I had close to 90 days. Every pay day I would run to the bank get cashiers checks for my bills and give the rest to my other half. (He stil has that, Thank God) It felt good to get ahead or should I say less behind. In any case I got cocky and that lead to 4800.00 in the garbage. I am going right back to what worked and ignoring the thoughts to what leads me to what does not work…… I wish the best for you, as always.

[vera]

I don’t think I even need “triggers” to gamble. “Urges” and “triggers” feel like excuses to me. Why do “normal” people who have all the pinpricks of life to deal with NOT gamble? Why don’t I drink to “drown my sorrows” or take drugs or take up buddhism or flower arranging or golf?? Just my fleeting thoughts. SEEING money, especially 50 notes will generally remind me of the days I “enjoyed” sliding them into machines and taking a deep breath ,relaxing in the casino chair. But is that a memory or a trigger? I really don’t know. I think the addiction/craving/compulsion to gamble is a condition that some people have and some don’t. I know the GA theory is that a CG can never place any type of bet or play any game of chance or toss a dice. For me, Slot machines are my only poison. I long for them. I yearn for the release and escape that they offer. And I enjoy the risk. It’s a disorder that brings chaos and turmoil into the lives of some vulnerable people when we succumb to the temptation. Do I need triggers? I really don’t think I do. I need to keep focused on the fact that order and chaos are diametrically opposed. When we “take the drug”, we suffer the hangover. Always. I need to deal with Life on Life’s terms. Gambling solves nothing. A reason (“trigger/urge”) can easily be turned into an excuse. Good topic though!

[i-did-it]

Great thoughts everyone
I don’t believe I have any real triggers beyond my love of gambling – I simply love gambling – I love it so much that I have risked everything For it!

Is that too simple ?

I guess I have risked my health for chocolate and wine .
I could risk my driving licence for speed.

Maybe I just love taking risks – maybe boredom is a trigger – maybe I’m just reckless.
But if I could I would love to sit for the whole night in a casino or gamble online .

Yeah I best lock down those wages

[jen3]

I always think I love gambling too until I am walking out with my tale between my legs. Than I hate it, swear I will never do it again and than when the dust settles ,,,,,,, you know the ending. I guess it’s like being in an abbsive relationship…. we keep going back believing “it will be different this time”

[i-did-it]

lol Jen!
I am triggered right now – I am watching one of those real housewife things and I want to wake up rich tomorrow …??!

[i-did-it]

So I haven’t woken up rich – but I am grateful for my lovely little family. When I waken I am hit with so many reminders of how I have failed – from the chipping paint and tatty curtains in my bedroom , to the scratched bath and the general untidiness.
Still I am healthy , I hve work and I get paid tomorrow .

Onward and upwards

[jen3]

The longer we stay away from our urge to gamble the better things will get. Your not a failure. Remember you worked hard for your money and you will feel much better if you spend it wisely. Pay your bills, get rid of any extra, don’t try to turn it into more. I am telling you this because that is what I am telling myself knowing I get paid tomorrow. One day at a time, should be one check at a time. Lol

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen
I think you are absolutely right – one cheque at a time makes so much more sense.
The pay is in – I am rich haha.
I love the feeling of not being destitute so why do I throw my money away each month?

I think for the first time I am starting understand what Charles means when he says plan your time.
It is the one thing I have never tried to address- so tonight I am visiting a friend and after that a family member.
Tomorrow I am out with friends.
Sunday I think I will plan a family movie night.

Week nights are harder – because I am tired after work – but what has worked for me before was going to bed at nine or half nine – this means I will have to let my GT support groups go but late at night is my worse time- when I seem to let my guard down.

Moneys gone , access is gone (I think) and now planning my time .

Looking
Forward to being healthier and wealthier .
Onwards and upwards

[kathryn]

7.30am, it is the most beautiful morning here, I couldn’t stay in bed one minute longer! (and the coffee was calling!) You know, I have never noticed much change in my bank account since I stopped gambling, I really did think I was going to be rich……the reality is, that all my bills are paid up and there is plenty of food, money for fuel and cigarettes ( past tense) The Christmas shopping is almost done, I haven’t had to think about finding that money. But I am noticing now, since stopping smoking that there is actually money in the bank. In the savings. It is a nice feeling. Im disgusted about how much we have spent over the years, it would trump my gambling losses by 10!!! Last night I was in bed by 9. I had worked an 11hr day. If I was still in action though, I would have found time to gamble. Just a little stop on the way home. Id be feeling pretty lousy right now. Instead, im here, writing to you, thinking how lucky I am to have such a beautiful day ahead of me. Im going to my family Christmas catch up and I cant wait to see everyone. They also have a pool, and its going to get to 32c so the kids will be happy! I hope you have a lovely weekend, you seem to have your triggers sorted and I think that’s a huge help. And hey, you will probs feel a hell of a lot better with a bit more sleep! Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your post Kathryn

It’s really great that you are noticing the difference in your bank account – it must be so motivating to stay away from smoking

I have got through payday .
I filled the day and tonight I was tempted but I remembered I would spend about two hours getting around my barriers and then I would ruin Christmas .
I have my time planned for the weekend .
Tomorrow I will shop for my boots – I am not setting a limit on the price – I am going for something I love which is also comfortable .

My weight is creeping up so on Monday I am cutting out sweets n rubbish- next week I intend to get that neglected tooth crowned so I will have a full smile again.
Sorry fatcat if you had plans for my money !

[lizbeth4]

Such a positive post! Buy some awesome boots! It feels good when we can treat ourselves. Have a great weekend.

[kin]

I luv your analogy that gambling can sneak in thru the tiniest opening. This is so true.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth and Kin for your posts .
Yes Kin it helps me to see gambling sneaking through a tiny open slit.

Today is day 3 of being completely gamble free.
There will be no opportunity to gamble today – my time is fully planned.

I am going on a small trip with some friends -so I am safe until tomororrow night . Twenty days until next payday – I can do this .
Strangely counting down the days until a target is met is much more motivating than counting gamble free days .

Onward and upwards

[jen3]

I-did-it I am glad you are filling your time. I hope it’s a fun filled gamble free weekend. However I am wondering if you paid things or put the money from your check somewhere where you can’t get your hands on it??

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen ,
I know myself so well that I have all my bills set up to come out on payday! I never fall behind on mortgage or other payments due to this – I think this is really good in terms of keeping me afloat – but maybe not so good in that I never really hit rock bottom and therefore often continue to gamble.

I also put a substantial amount into a savings account where I have to give two weeks notice to withdraw. Unfortunately I dip into this all the time to make up for my gambling losses. If I make it until Christmas I will have four months of savings in there.

I really have tried to set up everything to safeguard my family even when I can’t trust myself .

I am determined to make it until Christmas. Xx

[jen3]

I hear ya. I never fall behind on my bills either. I am actually always months ahead.  However I seem to dig holes, dig out, dig holes, dig out. One of these times I will not be able to dig out. I suppose that will be bottom.  I never want to see that day.  Of course every gambling hangover makes me think “there is no way out this time”. I always seem to manage maybe that’s why I never quit.  Hoping things will be different this time. I hlope and pray we all make it to next year with no gambling so we can enjoy the holidays.  Than we can Hope for a g free 2019.  Wouldn’t that be a good year??? Let’s do this. 

[finding_laura]

Hope you are enjoying your weekend! Sounds like you are doing well IDI. You are progressing! Keep going. Enjoy a fab boot find. Keep learning to be happy and content in each day. It does add up. And before you know it Christmas will be here. Onward and upward! You CAN and WILL do this. Laura xo

[i-did-it]

Jen that fairly mich describes my gambling also – I always think this is it – I’m finished and somehow always manage to survive .

I hve a slight hangover today – the alcohol kind !
I am home again and I find the urges creeping in- after my crazy night I should be planning an early night but instead I find myself thinking willing I to bingo, will I try to get onto an online site .
However my mindset seems to have changed a bit because the urges are being squashed by a greater desire for a good and peaceful life free from the pain of gambling.

Today I feel peaceful and happy knowing that there is money in the bank , good food in the fridge and new clothes hanging in my wardrobe .

Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura -I think we were posting at the same time – thank you for your post xx

[Monica1]

Good to hear that the gambling brain is being overridden by the gambling free brain. Life is so much better by not gambling. We can make good choices every day.

[jen3]

I choose A drinking hangover over a gambling one anyday. :)(Being that I have a lot more control over drinking than gambling, well sometimes. Lol).  Any ways keep moving in the right direction. Let’s not go back to what brought us here us here in the first place. 🙂 

[i-did-it]

I have just finished group and have a few things to do before bed – I find I want to gamble tonight .
I guess most Sunday nights I want to gamble.
Is it to cope with the stress of the week? I’m not sure.

However I now have 18 days to go until payday and my current pay is intact – and I won’t have to touch my feeble savings !
Just need to keep focused on the goal – I think my home will wait another year – my son won’t be home for much longer and I am thinking that maybe we should have a really great holiday next summer – I want him to have great experiences to look back on. I guess if I stay stopped and look after my money I will have choices! When I’m gambling my time is spent focused on surviving and picking up the pieces .

Onwards and upwards

[jen3]

Sunday’s were always a big G day for me. Not today though. 🙂

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica and Jen for your posts .

I am
Not sure when I went to bingo – it was either last Tuesday or Wednesday – either way I am getting close to a week gambrel free, but I guess more importantly for me, I haven’t gambled online in over a week. 17 days until next payday.

Fridge is stocked and bank is healthy .
Lots to look forward to.

Onwards and upwards

[jen3]

We must have the same gamble free time because today is Day 18…. I always used to think “I can still play bingo, buy some scratch offs here and there, Shake dice, etc (cause those are just pass times and not my poision) But I think we are just “sticking our toe in the water and eventually those things lead to us being sucked under… I don’t know I suppose it’s different for everyone… 3 weeks till Christmas Eve. Christmas Day will be 40 days… I know we can do it and hopefully it’s the first 40 days of many more gambling free days. It’s not easy that’s for sure BUT struggling not to gamble is a lot easier than struggling after the gamble.

[charles]

Well done on your gamble free time IDI. I recommend one day at a time but if you have next pay day as your target great, if you have Christmas as your target, great – but make sure you have another target in place as soon as you hit those targets. There are many who have got to Christmas not gambling, got to a holiday not gambling – then as soon as it has passed/they have returned from holiday it is very easy to slip back into old routines.

Keep posting, keep updating your targets.

[i-did-it]

Charles I agree that I need to set another target – I’m not finding it at all easy to stay gamble free but I went shopping tonight and while I didn’t buy anything I enjoyed looking at things and knowing I could buy them if I wanted to.

I know exactly what you mean – often I have been able to stop in the run up to a holiday but then after its as if if I had never stopped.

I have a few targets – I have Christmas, then a weekend away early February, and I will need to save for a big holiday in the summer. I also have some targets for my home.( millions of them)!

Jen that’s how it gets me too – I think I am gamble free, then I’ll convince myself that one bingo will be ok , then the slots in the bingo hall because they are cheaper than online – next thing I know I am chasing my losses .
This time I am trying to stay completely gamble free but it is really hard .

Definitely more motivating to ***** days down to a target than to slowly and torturously ***** gamble free days !

Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

So tired this morning -had to wash clothes late last night which has me exhausted today – really need to get a good housework routine .
16 days until payday – life is looking good but I know how easily I could blow it – I need to be super aware .

Feels like a turning point in my life – I am seeing things a little clearer – the posts AOD have written have been exceptionally helpful .

Onwards and upwards

[jen3]

Good job I-did-it! We are on the right path. After Christmas and New year my goal will be till we go vaca the end of March. I want to be on vacation celebrating g free time and not stressing about gambling losses. One day at a time but I have to have goals.

[i-did-it]

That a great goal Jen – anything which keeps us focused is good.
So I have made it to the end of another day game free. Temptation was there but I somehow made the right choice .
Payday is getting a little closer and I have a healthy bank account .

Really tired tonight

Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

Had a busy but great day – its so nice here my mind isn’t preoccupied with stretching money .
I have fifteen days until payday – I am currently having my fay urges to go to bingo and my Wednesday night lotto urges.

So I am changing my thinking to I will go and buy nice Xmas presents for someone -my son needs Pjs and they always feel like a waste of money -my stinkin thinkin again. I will buy him two pairs and it will still be cheaper than a night at bingo.

Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

So last night I set out to go to bingo despite my strong post .
On the way I decided to detour and get that shopping instead .
Today I am so glad that I did .

I realise that if I had invited my friend I would have been unable to change my mind – so in future if I get tempted I need to keep the option to change my mind open.

Feeling happy with my choice this morning – fourteen days until payday .

Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

Another great day at work- I am home and looking around my house and thinking about that extension (yes the new kitchen has expanded)!

Next thing I am thinking about all the times I made a lot of money online but never cashed out – I am wondering if I could do it again.
I read what Vera wrote in Jen’s thread – a bad day makes us want to gamble and a good day makes us want to gamble .

I find people putting me down makes me want to gamble but I also am starting to notice that people being nice to me makes me want to gamble .
I have this stupid picture of me helping them out with a cheque??
– why??

I don’t understand me but I am starting to notice the things that give me urges .

I have such a strange world in my head.

Anyway I have decided I am buying no new decorations this year – I am not buying anything new for the house(except a desperately needed iron) and I am going to focus on that emergency fund and then my debt snowballing !

I can do this !

[jen3]

You and me both “strange world in our heads” I am all over the place. There is one thing I know for sure though….. I never want to experience the gambling hangover over again. I guess I rather wonder about the what if’s before than after. I want to gamble but I do not want to deal with the fall out and there is only one way to do that. I have to find another interest.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen – yes we do not want another gambling hangover – unlike alcohol ones they last for weeks . Thirteen days until payday – I am wondering if I got paid more frequently would it make me more or less likely to gamble? It is nice to wake up everyday and check my bank balance – once the next payday arrives I am moving any left over funds from this one to my husband’s account. I need to keep as much money safe as possible . The urges are getting a little easier to control- I can squash the bingo ones , I have such limited access to online gambling I’m not sure I would even find somewhere to gamble and I can put the lottery off until the next draw. I can do 13 days

[jen3]

Yes you can.. We have to remind ourselves how sh..ty we feel after we gamble and loose and how much better we feel after we made it through another day. Not easy but nothing worth It ever is.

[vera]

Don’t mention the word “hangover”. I have been up all night. That in itself brings a hangover. ( also exacerbates underlying health issues which I neglected when I gambled)
You are taking the “One pay day at a time” approach,IDI.
Add “one urge at a time” and you will see how well you are doing by discarding the gambling thoughts .
It scares me to have long targets.
When I worked night duty, I never thought of gambling on my 7 nights on until the final night . Then, on my week off all hell would break lose. But not everyone thinks like that. I feel if I hold my breath for too long, I will explode.
What has helped me to remain gamble free this month so far, was getting involved in house decorating and planning visits from family. When I am in the throes of decorating/home-making/work, gambling never enters my mind.
When I’m in the throes of gambling REAL LIFE never enters my mind.
Gambling consumes me totally. I become a slave.
Want to be a slave???
I WANT TO BE FREE! I’m sure we all do!

[jen3]

I want to be Free! Satan is a thief and he has stole from me too many times. He sneaks in and whispers “it’s ok, just play a little, go get some money than quit. If he is not whispering those words it’s,,, “you are never gonna beat this, you are a looser, you are pethadic”. Ugggh! Today I went to a gas station to grab something to drink. I thought “buy a few scratch offs, it can not hurt.” Than i pictured myself scratching away like a crazy monkey. I thought “ if I win a little I will just reininvest, if I win a lot I will eventually reinvest, wether it be on scratch offs or something else. If I do not win anything I will just keep playing like a mad women. In other words what’s the point of even trying. Scratch offs are not even my struggle but I thought about it and they would just be the bait that would eventually lead me to my struggle, “ the devils den, the casino” I walked out the door with nothing but my coffee. Yeah me.! Just a little battle BUT i won.

[jen3]

Oops I meant to put the last post on my thread. Oh well. Lol

[i-did-it]

Thank you Vera and Jen ,

You must have been meant to write it on my thread Jen!

Coincidentally I am just about to go and get take-away coffee and breakfast for the family – so much better than struggling to make ends meet after throwing my money away.

I am developing a ritual of checking my bank account first thing every morning – it motivates me to see a healthy sum in there . This mourning when I woke I had the usual day dream of winning a huge sum and getting a huge extension on my house – it seems the longer I am gamble free, the bigger the win and the bigger the extension grows .
My weird brain again !

It’s twelve days til payday – so much easier not to gamble with a short term target than a limitless number of days stretching ahead – once pay day arrives I need a really good next target.

I hold a holiday fund for my friends (stupid thing to do ) as they feel I am sensible – what a tangled web we weave! My next target is to replace that and hand it over to one of my friends – I will give myself until end of jan payday to do that.

Thanks to having my pay intact i was in a position to do something really nice for one of my friends who has been recently bereaved – sometimes little things that money can buy are just as important as those things that money can’t buy.

I beat go now – feels like I am writing a novel this morning – so much more to plan and do I guess when we are gamble free.

Xx

[i-did-it]

Woke this morning to the sound of rain pelting against my window. My first thought is that I don’t have a hangover – I seem to be making wiser choices with alcohol.

My second thought is that I haven’t gambled. It’s a great feeling- which means it is eleven days until payday and I will then be in position where I haven’t gambled for two pay cheques. That will make a huge difference .

I find myself thinking the rest of my life could be like this. I am
Starting to feel confident again in my ability to sustain recovery. I think it is over two weeks now but never really remember.

I still find too many plans rush through my head – I want everything now . It is time to do a proper financial inventory and make some real plans- perhaps I need help with this because I never know where to start .

On the bright side I cleared out a cubbyhole which was full of junk yesterday – it’s amazing that you can feel the difference even when you can’t see the cleared space -there must be something in all that energy flow feng shui stuff. I also dumped many of the old coats hanging in there because I am not going to need old stuff anymore. In fact I am going to go coat hunting today . Coats are an example of where I am all or nothing – if I can’t have a really good coat I tend to not buy at all. I will buy a stylish cheap coat because there will always be money for another coat .

Today I will tackle another small space – I think it will be the landing which has become a bit of a storage area. Hopefully by tonight it will be completely clear.

I am going to buy myself good coffee – I have a coffee machine and for too long I have begrudged myself the pods for it . I need to chnge my thinking regarding money. I think the best way to do this is to start spending it .

I got a small refund from the taxman and it was lovely to be able to say to my son that it is going directly to his account. If it had come two weeks ago it would have been going directly to a casino.

So that’s about it – life is good

Onwards and upwards!

[i-did-it]

I have done a huge amount of clearing out since I wrote this morning. – I am finding my journal so useful right now – it helps me reinforce the good work I am doing and also explore my thoughts around gambling .

I am doing an amazing clear out— things which were hard to let go – because I could sell them – are being sent to recycling at an startling rate. I will not need to sell them because I no longer gamble and will never need the few miserable quid these things will bring .
My thoughts have changed – I no longer need the escape route that this stuff represented .

I might have to return several times today to comment on my progress as there is actually no one in the whole world I can explain this to outside this site !

The only negative thing is the thought which keeps creeping into my head that I could get the whole house decorated if I could get a good win. However sensible brain knows this particular strategy has never worked out !

[jen3]

We have to use our sensible brains as much as we can. The other one destroys us. You are doing great IDI!!

[finding_laura]

Reading over this past couple weeks of your journal I see a woman on a journey and now a woman on a mission! It feels good to purge. Both our homes and our minds. i think they are definitely intertwined. I did a big clear out on my home when i stopped gambling. I decided I needed an oasis for myself. And with a couple of recent surgeries i wanted it also to be easy to clean and maintain. You deserve that too. Peace of mind. Sanctuary. There are people with bigger homes that don’t have that. People with more money that don’t have that. So space and money isn’t the only answer. It’s about appreciating what we have. Getting rid of old and unwanted thoughts, patterns, and items. It took a few years over all and I’m still doing things. It won’t come all at once. But you can do it! Was great to chat today. Have a good week! Laura

[vera]

…and you could LOSE your house with a bad loss, IDI!
I sold a few items…got 60 quid…on my way to have a look around the shops now IF I can get parking….praying I won’t take the wrong exit….

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura , Jen and Vera.

Well done on your sales Vera – hope you bought something nice !

Yes Laura ,it is nice to wake up in a much more sparse room- I even got rid of excess pieces of furniture .

When I clear out I wonder why I kept the stuff for so long – I toss an item and I wonder why I didn’t get rid of it three years ago.

It is like stopping gambling – I am stopped now and I wonder why I couldn’t stop years ago ?

it is ten days until payday – the bank account  healthy –  that reality is sinking in  cannot understand how I have spent so much gambling over the years – it seems so completely ridiculous.

i watched Louis thereux in Vegas last night – I was especially saddened by the man who lost maybe 300000 or more and pretended to smile through the pain – I was amazed at how they were sucked in by the VIP treatment – a real need to be the big shot!

Also I hadnt realised that   the staff made them feel so unique and important – one lady , a retired doctor, described how the casino held a memorial for her husband and it didn’t cos ther  a penny . 

louis pointed out that she had spent 4 million on slot  machines

in the past seven years !

it seemed so obvious to me that  were all being totally deceived – why couldn’t I see this when it was happening to me ?

i

[vera]

It is all about mindset, IDI.
I can convince myself that I won’t survive the day without gambling, when I am in the gambling mode. I lived to gamble and believed I gambled to live despite the fact that I was dying inside. Delusional thinking!
On the other hand, I can tell myself and believe that I DO NOT want to gamble when the mindset changes. Reality versus delusion!
Larry, (who used to post here) always said the only/best barrier is a mental barrier.
When I am gambling, my mind is full of “gambling junk”. The air I breathe stinks of casino fumes. It destroys my judgement my will and my reason.
When I am free of gambling, my thoughts / words/ actions are like those of a different person.
I operate on a totally different plain.
I breathe on “room air” to use an old occupational term.
Gambling contaminates everything we touch.
Today I will not gamble.
De cluttering is symbolic of change in my experience.
Out with the old. In with the new.

[i-did-it]

Yes Vera – it is all about mindset – but I found that I had to get some gamble free time before I could get into the mindset.
I guess that’s where barriers helped .
Right now I am wondering why I ever gambled and I am so pleased that you are also gamble free – we deserve to be !

Something strange is happening with me – something unbearably painful which happened almost a decade ago has returned – well the pain has returned – it feels like a weight on my chest – I can’t bear to think about it – I feel I need take a week off life and just cry !

Laura has posted lots of links about withdrawal- if read this Laura I would appreciate if you could repost some of those links below .

[i-did-it]

Nine days until payday!
The finances aren’t as healthy as I had hoped but still ok – something came out which I hadn’t expected for another few days. I like seeing big sums in there – I find it motivating.
Having said that next week there will be four months of savings in my savings account.

Most of my outgoings are debt repayments and have been for quite sometime – this is something I need to get in hand- I have decided to do a cheap upgrade in my kitchen because I simply cannot afford all I want to do . On the bright side I will be able to do this very soon and it will bring my home up to an acceptable standard .

I have this idea when there is money in the bank that I am rich – I think it is after living without money for so long . I still neeed to do a full inventory of my debts etc and perhaps come to an arrangement to pay them off quicker .

That’s about it – life is pretty good !

[jen3]

Hi IDI! I am sorry you are re-living pain. I think when we are not gambling old hurts sneak in…. maybe one of the reasons we gambled was not to feel pain. Ironic because we only end up feeling another kind of pain… very proud of you… you are doing great. Praying for all of us that we keep on the right path, get on the right path… I sure am glad for this site and knowing there are many people who can relate and understand our addiction or I would feel pretty alone in this world.. Keep going strong my friend!! Hey I want to get In on one of these groups but I am so confused as to the days and times… when are u usually thier and is it green mountain time??

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen ,
I replied on your thread !

Tonight I feel small urges to gamble – I am starting to realise that unless I banish them straight away they will grow – I think it was Monica who gave me this advice .

Tonight the urges are triggered by ads on tv- they really know which spinning reels to show!

On the bright side any friends husband is organising a surprise party for her – I can actually afford to take her out while he prepares – in the past I would have arrived late and stayed a short time – it’s these little things that make life better .

I also have visited my elderly friend quite a few times recently – she is so happy to see me as she can be quite lonely – I cannot believe how selfish gambling made me – I have neglected our friendship or begrudgingly given of my time .

My sister rang tonight and she is having quite serious health problems – I am worried about her but she lives too far away for me to help her . She is my best friend and always has been.

I am so busy right now – but somehow I seem to thrive on it .
I am too busy to gamble – that is for sure !
I have made decisions over the years and stopped doing things I did out of a sense of duty but which I find a drain, for example, I have not posted a Christmas card in about twenty years lol! As I get older I cut out more stuff which gives me space to take on new things.

So a gamble free life which has become too busy to gamble !
That’s sounds ok!

[charles]

Here’s an idea. You have identified those gambling ads as a trigger. If you watch TV on a short delay you can fast forward all the ads. Trigger removed. 🙂

[i-did-it]

Charles , that is a great idea – I have just realised that I used to do that a lot – just because I can’t be bothered with ads , but that function doesn’t seem to working on my tv currently – it may be the control- I will have to put time into getting it sorted out .

8 days until payday – the urges are susiding – in fact my mind seems to have changed completely about gambling – it’s like I have finally accepted it is not the answer to anything . Holding on to my wages is a risk free way of increasing my wealth , health and happiness !

Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

Seven days until payday – had some one off expenses this month such as tv licence – in the past it would have really annoyed me that they came out of my bank in December – this month it is just another bill and it doesn’t really matter when it comes out .

I have had thoughts about bingo but no strong urges – in fact my brain feels pretty normal right now.
I have applied for a new job on a much higher salary – I am glad I took the step to apply but won’t be too disappointed if I don’t get called for interview .

Life is pretty good overall – if a little bit of money in the bank can give you this level of security – I can just imagine what it must be like to have substantial savings. I intend to experience this one day but first there is so much I want to buy- lol!

Onwards and upwards !!

[jen3]

Yeah! Another gamble free day! The only way we will ever have any kind of savings.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Jen- six days until payday!

I had thoughts of going to bingo about an hour ago but I have dealt with them- I decided I could buy a gorgeous sparkly duvet set instead (the type I normally begrudge myself ) and probably still have a lot of change left over .

My thought patterns have changed so quickly – it makes me wonder why I couldn’t think like this in the past . Still I’m glad to be here today making the right decisions.

[jen3]

I had the same thoughts only of buying some scratch offs. Vs bingo “What harm can 20.00 worth of scratch offs do?? Uhm let me see the 20.00 will turn into 40.00 than 60.00 than 80.00 than 100.00 etc etc. (still a lot less than what I would drop in a casino) But what’s the point. I can take that and take a freind to dinner or buy something to show for it. Keep thinking the right thoughts IDI. It’s funny because I ask myself “why could I not rationalize gambling the way I am now years ago?” Who knows maybe it was not my time… who knows maybe I will slip again someday… BUT not today. 😉

[i-did-it]

Yes Jen that’s exactly how it goes – we promise ourselves than a twenty won’t matter and hours later we are in tears .

I almost bought two £5 scratch cards myself – I was going to put them into Christmas cards – but I knew that really I was buying them for me – while still in the queue I managed to rationalise it and didn’t .

Four days until payday.
I will manage most of the Christmas shopping out of November’s pay despite having a few fairly big bills.
There will be little left though and January will be such a long month .

I find myself wondering where I got money to gamble – I don’t seem that much better off- of course my saving are untouched this month – my tiny savings – I guess that’s something . I also have started paying off another visa which has eaten into my money .i find myself wondering hwo I could have been so stupid in the past when my brain is so clear now . I feel God really is helping me this time – I try to read a little from the bible and find time for prayer each day.

Went to a party last night – it was nice to be able to give a decent present for once . I was also able to make a decent donation to a charity yesterday. I guess that’s good.
I bought raffle tickets at the charitable event – I didn’t know how not to without looking mean or strange – I put other people’s names on the tickets so I can’t win but it still doesn’t feel right . I know others have ways around this – I found it hard to say no .i keep thinking about the draw and wondering if they will win .

That’s about it- gonna try get back to sleep ! Partying always interferes with my sleep .

Onwards and upwards

[jen3]

I did buy some to stick in Christmas basket we made for Grandpa. I have managed not to scratch them yet. Strange because I never even gave a crap about them before. Back in my college days 25 years ago I learned my lesson. I would visit a freind working at gas station and keep buying them because I just knew the big winner was coming and I would always leave out a 100.00 or 2. That was a lot of money back than! I was able to say “the he’ll with this” and never buy again. Of course looking back I only moved on to other types of gaming. Lol. Something is different this time and like you said I believe It is God helping me. It has to be because I know I can not manage to stay gamble free without him.. IDI I mentioned to a few that they should read the book Beyond Addicitons by Jeff Rudd. It is Awsome!! You should read it too. Your doing Great and it will help to keep you moving in the right direction.

[jen3]

Someone please tell me how the heck to get into group. I finally figured out the time thing…… BUT still no clue how to join.

[i-did-it]

I will try get that book on kindle Jen .

I have had a few thoughts about gambling but amazingly no strong urges – I have tried to give up all types of gambling and it really seems to help. Holding onto even one type keeps the dream alive – the false dream !

So not much to report – have had a crazily busy weekend – it will be good to get back to work for a rest ! Lol. I’m feeling really fulfilled in life – and looking forward to a few weeks off for Christmas.

I bought expensive roast beef to cook during the week – my mind is starting to view such purchases as normal – I bought no pork or gammon as I always think of them as gambling dinners – cheap dinners I am forced to make after gambling had taken most of my money lol! Can I believe I associate types of meat with gambling hangovers ? Lol!

That’s another change – usually when I go shopping everything I see reminds me of a slot machine I love— today I only remembered the distasteful side of gambling.

That’s about it – onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

Jen go to all groups , click on view all groups above the schedule- and then choose open group.

 I could drop by, for a short time , to the next one in 33 minutes if u manage to get in !

[i-did-it]

Jen is it the book by Jeffrey Foote? I have downloaded a free sample onto my kindle- I am only a few pages in and the book claims that research has shown that far more people recover from addiction through motivational approaches than the older approach of challenging people to admit their faults/ addiction.
This reinforces what I have been saying for years – I find being challenged is just someone else feeding their own ego while doing little to help me ! In actual fact it makes me feel deflated and like I will never stop!

I also like that the book makes the point that labels do more harm than good- as they create a stigma which often stops people seeking help- I have written about this so many times as I have always instinctively known this.

Jen this book is fabulous (what I have read so far ). It is great to read the thoughts I have had about addiction in a package like this and supported by research ! I shouldn’t say it but I always knew I was right ! Lol!
And I know that avoiding the “wrong “ support for me is as important as getting the right support!

Thanks so much for sharing !

[jen3]

Now I must get this book. Lol. The one I was talking about is “ “Beyond Addictions by Jeff Rudd”. I wish I could send you a copy. You can find it on Amazon.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen ,
I would advise anyone to download the kindle app and read a trial of this book I stumbled upon then .
It states that are so many methods of recovery and not one size fits all. For those of us who cannot follow the rigid rules set down by others ( if we would we would have all been in recovery years ago) it gives hope and also lets us know we are doing ok!

It really is everything which those of us who have struggled for years have already discovered through our own personal journey , but it is grounded in research and evidence .

A great , uplifting and motivating read ,

Three days until pay day – no idea when I gambled last – but know it was before last pay day (November 30).

Feeling happy and blessed
Onwards and upwards

[jen3]

Thanks IDI! I agree “we have to do what works for us” for example GA meetings have helped several but never worked for me. They made me want to gamble. Like diets, we all have different body types . What works for one person might not work for another. … I like suggestions and advise But I absolutely hate when something works for someone and they insist that “thier way” is the only way to be successful.

[i-did-it]

Jen I get what you mean – often when I felt I had discovered the “cure” I guess I was as insistent. When we get a little gamble free time behind us it’s easy to think we know what will work for everyone .

A lot of the advice is useful – sometimes it’s the way it is delivered that is off- putting .

Anyway we are gamble for today and that is good – It feels like I am getting flu – I feel quite horrible – I was doing really well with my flu preventative measures but I stopped about three weeks ago – kicking myself now !

That’s about it – life is pretty good – a little more money wud be good but I’m ok
Onwards and upwards

[i-did-it]

So I feel a bit horrible but think I can manage work-
Going to start my slightly crazy flu routine – starts with Epsom’s Salt bath , then drink tumeric milk, then salt water gargle , then nasal spray , then paracetamol if needed, then nice throat sweets – should get me through the day and then take it easy at work and straight to bed when I get home !

The joys of winter flu – but a lot more joyful without a gambling hangover to go with it !

Onwards and upwards!

[jen3]

Feel better. I have not been sick in many years. (Other than the self induced flu). Knock on wood.

[i-did-it]

I am in work and my flu remedies seem to be working – a bit of a sore throat but not too bad – hate taking days off which I guess makes me a little sad and controlling lol.

[i-did-it]

Another gamble free day over – I that makes it nearly three weeks although I never really can keep track.
I know I once got to eight months – that was my best but I think that could have been five years ago – earlier this year I got to five or six months – I know I relapsed in the summer but no idea when . I simply lose track of the days / months / years when I gamble.

Today I won’t lose track because I am gamble free . I know I have not gambled since payday at the end of November .

I hope I am here next November’ posting that I am still gamble free – tonight however I checked on my emails , which I Rarely do, and there were offers for casinos – almost immediately my brain started planning – I should have pushed those thoughts away immediately – luckily even if I wanted to gamble online now it would take a huge amount of effort to get around the many barriers I have put in place – but I know I still could gamble if I was determined enough.

I didn’t gamble and for that I am glad- I need to keep doing what I am doing – which is posting as often as I need to , exploring my own issues in my own way – however silly they may seem to others .

I have realised that there really is just me in this recovery – others may encourage , advise and sometimes just listen – but recovery is down to each of us and what is inside of us .
No matter how much support we have – recovery is won or lost inside of us .

Life may distract us from recovery – and that’s when gambling sneaks in – sometimes we need to be as strong for ourselves as we are for others .

Onwards and upwards !

[vera]

Gambling takes as much (or even more) effort than recovery.
Take it from me, IDI, the effort we put into recovery is far more worthwhile than that which we put into gambling.
Gambling makes us believe things that can’t live without it.

[i-did-it]

Very good point Vera – I would have to put so much effort into gambling now to even access it – and yet I moan about the effort I put into not gambling.

Still feeling horrible with this cold but managing to keep going.

Life is pretty good – the bank looks ok. ( a lot of people would be horrified to have so little after working for so many years ).
I am realising that my outlook on life is quite dependent on my bank balance – not that I want to spend loads – but I have a need for that security .

I am hoping I can get through January without dipping into my savings – thats my next target .
I also want to buy some tools –

I love watching interior design programmes and I am going to treat myself over the coming months to a sewing machine , an electric saw thing and a glue gun! Perhaps even in the January sales . It is only weeks ago a ton of paint seemed out of reach !

Life is good – I am happy !

[vera]

In the Material World, our security is , of course tied up with our Bank Balance.
The danger here (for me anyway) is that life becomes unbalanced if we focus too much on one aspect.
For example. I put XXXX amount of money in slot machines recently.
When I checked my bank account online, I noticed I was charged “unpaid fee”for a cancelled direct debit.
I’m hounding the bank to get approx 12 quid restored to my account. I am like a dog with a bone. Can’t let go!
The agent went into a lengthy explanation as to why/how that fee is justified. I told her that my query has nothing to do with the amount of money but with the principle of False Charges and that I want my money restored. She is “taking it to a higher level”. I told her I will be watching my online account “in anticipation of a fair outcome”.
How is that for misplaced security!! I could very easily get hung up on money so I need to remind myself that there are no pockets in a shroud.
HA HA!!
PS. I bought my husband a sewing machine last Christmas, Argos do a dandy machine for around 100 quid.Why not buy your hubby a glue gun and an instruction manual from Santa?

[i-did-it]

Vera u are such a genius – i will buy my husband a sewing machine , a saw thing and a glue gun for Christmas haha. … and I can borrow when needed !

I am also laughing at the comment about no pockets in a shroud – my “healthy “ bank balance probably wouldn’t even pay for a shroud ! Today I was able to get some nice things for the homeless – it is in giving we receive – I felt good that I could make this small gesture . Although I guess writing about it negates any heavenly bonus ! ( mmm my language is still very much online casino type language ).

I hope you get that £12 back – the banks are just like casinos – ready to bleed every last cent out of us .

A few urges today – especially for lottery .
I’m not going to do it – although I Keep thinking how far a little win could go (yes I know how stupid that sounds !).

[jen3]

I love your idea Vera!! Lol. You are doing Great IDI! Keep your eye on the prize….. a much better life with out the stress of gambling.

[i-did-it]

Thanks Jen
So I made it to payday – that
Means in haven been gamble free for at least three weeks – I can never remember exactly how long .

I am on my second gamble free pay .

My cold is at the worse before it gets better stage i think – it is definitely worse today but I think I can drag myself to work- today is the last day before the hols. I wish there was a cold vaccine – I have no patience for illness.

My new target I guess is next pay day- it’s 41 days away . I don’t have to worry about running out because I can dip into my tiny savings -that’s the joy of not gambling .

I am looking forward to Christmas – a little money makes such a difference .

[jen3]

Yeah! You did it IDI!! You can definitely do 41 days and just think… you will feel even better than you do now.

In case I do not get a chance before
Merry Christmas my freind! I hope you have a very Blessed New Year!!

[i-did-it]

It feels like I have been ill forever , but reading back I just started to get this cold on Monday . I have so much to do for Christmas and have been crawling from work to bed and back to work all week . It seems everyone in work has this cold so I am blaming them all for infecting me – but I guess I May have infected a few.

It is 40 days until payday- I realise that it is really important for me to post this target as often as I can – it keeps me focused – I find myself wondering will I be posting this forever – will this site still be here when I am ninety ? Will it be still needed or will we be able to gaze into a “forget gambling laser”like the things their use in the film “men in black “? Am I delirious with flu or is my imagination returning ?

Thanks to all who have supported me this past month – it is so helpful to have confirmation at the start – it seems so much easier this time – I guess I have learned from all those relapses.

However , I have realised that recovery comes from within- it is changing all those old thought patterns – like that gambling a tenner won’t matter , or doing the lottery this once won’t do any harm. It doesn’t matter or do harm to most people- for us it keeps gambling addiction parts of our brains constantly lit up ! I want that flame to be extinguished .

Onwards and upwards -it’s going to be a great Christmas!

[i-did-it]

It is still 40 days until payday – I got the maths wrong., never can keep track . Still feeling horrible – no urges to gamble which is good .

Earlier this year I had stopped for around six months . I stopped around new year – because I have stopped and started so many times I can’t quite remember but ithink I gambled New Year’s Day and then quit.

The whole six months I had crazy urges- every day was a total battle – I remember being in chat with others and it was obvious that they were finding it easier –

When I relapsed I had a friend on the verge of relapse – I knew my relapse would affect her so I discussed it in support groups but didn’t write it on my thread – she relapsed anyway .

i  felt that I had let the entire community on here down – I felt ashamed to write about it on my thread – but somehow felt safer in groups .

When someone I have gotten close to relapses it somehow makes it ok for me to do so – not that I think this way but I usually follow closely behind – I’m not sure why.

This time feels different – I am not doing bingo and  the lottery (because they are not real gambling and I am not addicted to them) I  usually dabbled now and again. I have stopped all forms of gambling .

I get occasional urges or thoughts about gambling and I take Monica’s advice and I don’t let them settle in my brain.

I have taken on board what Vera has said in that it’s all about mindset and I keep my mind set to gamble-free.

I have llistened to Laura and I imagine her often whizzing around in her hew car and I know that can be me.

I have exchanged posts with Kathryn and I think of her attending concerts and having the greatest trips and I know that can be me.

Charles and his swimming with the sharks? I will leave that to him but perhaps I will visit Rome soon.

My point is that I am inspired by the success of so many prople on here – and even if they have had minor relapses they make sure theey get straight back to what has worked for them .

Harry said to me many years ago that a small fall on the journey does not have to become a full relapse – and while I don’t intend to have either – this is so true – letting the loss go is a huge part of recovery .

I have learned a lot from so many people who have encouraged and supported me – who have picked me up when I have fallen and cheered me on when I have made progress.

Life is good and I know it’s going to be even better in the new year !

Onwards and upwards.

[finding_laura]

you deserve a proper catch up but wanted to say sorry I missed you. Two phone calls in a row I couldn’t miss. xo

[finding_laura]

I feel terrible that it’s been just about two weeks since posting. I’m honestly struggling to keep up with work and the regular demands of life but I am improving overall. Eventually things should get easier I’m hoping. How is your sister doing? You mention she was having health issues 🙁 I know how close you are.

If you read back over the past couple weeks of your journal you see how busy and how well you have handled everything. I know what you mean about other working professionals may be aghast at our bank balance but as long as my bills are paid, I have good food and I can do the things that make me feel good, like giving a little to charity or buying a nice gift for a friend or going out to a show, that is all I need for now.
I could only imagine the look on my husbands face if I gave him a sewing machine for Christmas. Although he does do the buttons around here lol
Congratulations on applying for that job. You can’t get an interview if you don’t apply. Takes courage to go after something else or different.
You asked for a link a ways back. Posting here just in case you need in future. https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm
Sorry my support has been lacking. I need to figure out a way to do it from bed and be comfortable. I hate feeling so disconnected. After an hour of reading and posting I can’t sit any longer! Hopefully we can connect before Christmas. I will do my best to catch a few groups over the next few days. Take care xo

[vera]

I hope your symptoms subside in time for Christmas, IDI.
Not a good time to be sick.
Being stuck indoors (for an online gambler) can also be boring/tempting/risky.
Keep your barriers high.
I hear what you say about other members’ relapses.
At the risk of sounding “preachy” , a GA phrase comes to mind -“don’t compare yourself to others”.
When I read of other members relapsing, it gives me a jolt and a longing all in one but when you sit across from and SEE a member in GA arriving at a meeting on the back of a gambling binge, it’s a completely different scenario.
Seeing the red /dead eyes the unshaven face, the unkempt appearance and shabby dress on a person who usually presents in an upbeat confident manner or if the member is a lady a somewhat similar look (except for the shaving!!). Watching that person staring at the floor, trying to avoid the gaze of others certainly would not be an incentive to “try your luck”. Pride would prevent me from attending a meeting in that state. ‘Bad enough losing face on camera in the casino. ……….
In my experience, gambling is like that old flu virus. It comes from nowhere, whips you around and disappears just as fast.
Self protection helps (sometimes) but when our defenses are weakened by stress, illness, emotional highs and lows, we tend as CGs ( for brevity) to lose the plot and all hell breaks loose.
Yes, it is all in the mindset.
Remind me to follow my own counsel and re set my silly mind!
PS Hubby arrived home earlier after delivering local Christmas presents maith go leor le uisce beatha…and DRIVING!! A recipe for disaster. In the past I would be in the slots by now. I had a long bath and retired to my bedroom.
I hate alcohol even more than I hate gambling.
Brings back terrible memories.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Vera and Laura ,

Vera .I get it- I feel too ashamed to post about relapses on here anonymously never mind sit in front of a whole roomful of people and talk about it . Although is that not denying others the experience they have selflessly provided for us ? Is that not the sin of pride? – I think I will have to rethink this – I think I have just hit ont he real reason I dislike GA- pride !

You are right about comparing although it is difficult not to think about where we would be now without gambling.

However I have already started a plan of action to get back there – I remember how successful your plan was – perhaps that is why we stumbled into gambling – perhaps we never planned our lives !
I certainly didn’t – I could hardly plan a meal a day in advance – yet when I had limited resources after gambling I could meal plan for a month !

I went shopping and bought beautiful presents for everyone – for my mum I could afford to accessorise the very nice outfit I bought for her – it felt nice – and back to comparing – I got her lovely gloves – the kind prominent women in the village wear !! Haha. My mum has always gambled too much to have gloves like these – I can’t wait to take her to the place where the ladies lunch wearing her fancy gloves ! Perhaps on St Stephen’s day ! OMG there has been a snob hidden inside me all these years !

Laura thank you for this link – it is really helpful to know the emotional roller coaster is normal .

Onward and upwards everyone !

[i-did-it]

Ps vera – ta hubby ag imirt le tine!

[finding_laura]

sorry, slept in, there now!

[Monica1]

Like laura, I have no time for groups as work taking up all my time. Hope to rectify that after Xmas. Lots of love and peace to you at Christmas time.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica – I look forward to catching up – you have inspired me more than you know and I have made a career move !

Laura I am sorry – my phone rang and I ended up missing the rest of group .

39 days until payday.
I am looking forward to the January Sales – I have avoided them for years ! I intend being very generous with myself !

I keep thinking about the lottery and what I would do with a significant win – it’s always the kitchen.
Today i looked at it through new eyes and realised that rather than trying to hide its roughness – I could make a real statement out of it- perhaps I will paint it in a delicious purple or crazy orange! I need to stop fantasising about things I cannot afford and learn to make the most of all that I have – many people would swap their lot for mine !

That’s about it – the frantic Christmas cleanup is underway – it’s all hands on deck – I have decided my days or martyrdom are over – I am running this like a military operation – and it’s a whole family effort . Haha.

That’s about it – I will be travelling tonight so won’t make it to group. Talk soon.

[finding_laura]

your gifts sound lovely! Snob? no, I think sometimes we sabotage ourselves so much and deprive ourselves and our loved ones that when we get it right and can spend hard earned money on thoughtful things, well, that brings pleasure. I don’t want just a materialistic life. But having choices and make meaningful purchases is something we get from recovery. Valuing life is part of recovery. Hope you have a very merry Christmas! Sorry I missed you. Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura for such a lovely post.
It is almost 3am and I am just getting to bed – I have everything done and ready for the morning . I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas Day .

I have spent so much on Christmas that I am a little shocked with myself . The strange thing is I have spent less than I normally would spend gambling over a month .
Instead of feeling miserable and worried sick , I know I can dip into my savings so I won’t run out if money. (I will try not to use my savings),
I know that I have given really thoughtful gifts to everyone and I also have been able to be generous with those less fortunate than I am. I can’t wait until the morning when family will open their gifts
.
My mum asked me to go to the casino with her today – I said no I won’t be going – I plan to spend money on myself and my son in the January sales. If I go I will lose that money and also feel so guilty about it I will end up getting no new clothes.
So that’s it – I said no .
However my resolve is weakening as it always does when I visit home – plans are starting to formulate in my head – I need to stop them straight away. .i need to remember my payday target !38 days – I can do this!

Happy Christmas everyone
Xx

[charles]

Have a great gamble free Christmas IDI. One day at a time works for me but if you want a target maybe make it those January sales. After seeing families faces opening gifts you can picture then with sales purchases. Enjoy your day

[i-did-it]

Thank you Charles.
I had the best Christmas Day.
My gifts were so well received , dinner was delicious and we played a great board game in the evening before our favourite tv specials !
I was exhausted and had a snooze on the sofa.
I felt blessed all day long . I didn’t have to scrimp on any part of the day- but neither did I feel the need to go overboard .
I don’t know why but Christmas always feels so special.

Payday is 36 days away – I can stay gamble free for 36 days !

Looking forward to the best New Year !

[finding_laura]

So happy your Christmas went well and you are finding strength while at home. That is a piece of the recovery puzzle you must figure out. How to say no the whole time you are home. You can do it. 36 days til Pay day. You can do anything for a day. xo Laura

[jen3]

IDI!! I am sorry. I had a feeling because you were quite BUT I was hoping that was because you were busy. We had a good stretch in there. Let’s just try and dust ourselves off, get back up and maybe try something a little different. Not sure what that might be BUT we are fighters (no doubt 🙂 ) We can do this.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen , Vera and Monica
Group ended but I feel I need to clarify .

Avoiding a situation/ person which always triggers a gambling relapse for me is not blaming that person- it is me taking a positive step to avoid a trigger and hopefully sustain a decent length of recovery .

I did say I wasn’t going when they both asked – I just felt guilty when my mum couldn’t go alone – and I went – that’s not blame – that’s a trigger and a major one for me !

The selfishness I talk about is so much other stuff but I guess it is all part of addiction. It is not just with me but with my siblings also.

I can’t blame others for this addiction but I’m not sure my mum should have been sneaking me into over 18 casinos at 13! I do blame her for that !

[jen3]

IDI… we can and will get past this blip. I am ok , just scared because the same cycle keeps repeating itself. I am also sad for you, but I know this will pass. We just have to figure out away to prevent putting ourselves through this again. Sounds like you, Vera and I have the same day one being today?? Maybe we can check in with each other daily and motivate each other ?? Who knows… I always have a plan after the fact but never enough barriers and always seem to get complacement. We have been putting ourselves through this crap way too long!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jen ,
My day 1 was Friday – although in my brain it hasn’t yet happened – a huge fear is stopping me from gambling right now – but I want to .
This time I cannot forget – it is like a constant physical
Pain- I had such plans – I had such motivation and it’s all gone . .

I am finding it hard to leave my room- my room which in the past was my golden oasis and is now old tatty paint, stained shabby carpet, sad curtains ,broken furniture and a constant reminder of my shame .

In truth I knew it was too soon to go home – but I had made promises . I need to stay away – when I have had long spells of being gamble free it is because I have stayed away.
It gets me every time and even when I manage to say no the fire is ignited and I gamble as soon as I get back .

I don’t really know how to change this. I feel it will never stop .

[vera]

I hear you, IDI.
It gets more painful with every “fall”.
Why?
Because we lose confidence and think we will never get back to “recovery”.
Every flaw in our surroundings becomes magnified post gambling. Everything seems hopeless and other people become the enemy. I think that is why we isolate .
Time for the Serenity Prayer.
Some things will never change. That is possibly true about your situation at home. All we can do is change our own behaviour, which also seems impossible at times.
I have an awful dose the past few days. Upper respiratory infection. Expecting family tomorrow and have gone to a fair bit of preparation but already I’m getting texts message saying “I don’t think we can make it”!!! Not an ideal recipe for a non gambling New Years Day but in my case I have made up my mind.
2019 will be a G free Year.
My last time of entry to a casino (hell) was December 26th at approx 7.30 pm. I was well after midnight (possibly 1.30 am ) when I left but I’m c ounting December 26th as my last gambling date.
Just make up your mind and draw a line under the last episode.
If nothing changes, nothing changes!

[velvet]

Hi I-D-I
Shabby carpets and curtains are only possessions; it is the person that is you that matters and it is you that you are not looking after. Your golden oasis can be yours again and it can be yours forever.
Message to I–D-I for 2019 – look after yourself, listen you yourself, act on what you know to be good and healthy for you and reject anything that tries to knock you off course.
I wish you a healthy, happy, gamble-free and prosperous New Year
Velvet

[kin]

Hi IDI,
Wishing you happiness, good health and a great year ahead!

[jen3]

Hope things are a little better today IDI. Just imagine how much better our lives will be (in time) if we can just put an end to all the insanity once and for all. It will not be easy but it has to be easier than the alternative. Wishing you an amazing New Year!

[jen3]

IDI… hang in there. You will get though this s..t storm. Lean into God as hard as you can and he will help you. Also Best of luck with the interview! I will be praying for good things to happen. Keep me posted.

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for your beautiful messages.

I am not doing so well- I feel constant pressure in my chest from the relentless worry . My husband just asked if i got bad news because I look shocked. Part of me wishes my heart would just stop and with it this madness would stop.

My solution is that I want to go gamble tonight – I might win!?

I have thrown away another fantastic career opportunity .-one which I earned !
I find myself retreating into isolation – I am making excuses for all the plans I made pre – Christmas . All those coffees and catchups won’t be happening now .
I have failed on so many levels it’s unreal.

I will get money on the fifteenth – that is two full weeks away.
And then it will be like this has never happened – I will forget and I will end up in the same mess again and again – each time a little worse and each time my health will be a little worse .
My whole life will be wasted on this cycle – this horrible self inflicted cycle -with nothing to look forward to except survival.

Perhaps writing it will help me to remember .

[jen3]

IDI… back up and read what both you and I were writing a few weeks ago. We can get back there. We can think of this as the last time we relapsed. Let’s learn from it and go back to where we know we are happier. We can do this…. I am glad you do not have to wait till the 31st for money BUT PLEASE do not let the 15th bring you more pain..,, watch the video on Kins thread. I think it will help… (I remember in 2009 amongst many times but I borrowed 7500.00 from my parents to get me out of s.ht.. 2 days later I was in worse s..t.. That was not the first nor the last time something like that happened. I could rattle story after story off). I doubt it will ever happen again only because i think I am all out of bail outs.

[Monica1]

Happy New Year. I will read your post on my thread in a minimo. What I will say is
Don’t beat yourself up. Waste of time. It happened. Xmas is difficult and I even spent dosh on a silly computer game. This isn t insurmountable. That pain you feel can only get worse the more we r stuck in the cycle ie rinse repeat.
Forgive yourself and repent. To some that may sound a bit religious but I have really found it helps. I am sorry, I will learn and I will try to do better. God is merciful and is a loving living God. You haven t failed. We emerge better Human beings for this awful addiction experience.
Your social things will come back. The retreating is because of what has just happened. It will shift and change. I believe u can do it cos u have done it. This last time was just a tricky test but you now know just say no to your mum. It’ll be ok.

[lizbeth4]

I’m sorry that you gambled! Don’t give up! You can do this. I give it over to my higher power and I do ask for forgiveness and for protection from this addiction. It helps my mindset. Don’t get caught up in the cycle!!! Think of your happiness. It’s worth everything. Everything will fall into place when the gambling ends and better job opportunities will come your way. Believe!!

[charles]

Hi IDI, well done on coming here and being honest.

So, you will get to the 15th and the pain will fade? Yep, that’s what happens. So what things can you put in place before the 15th? What things can you start working on? What barriers can you put in place? What extra support can you start using now, before you get paid again, before the pain fades? So that you are less able and less likely to gamble when they do.

Read back on the positive posts you were making before you gambled – it is worth making those changes.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Charles, Lizbeth,Monica and Jen and indeed everyone for such positive encouragement .

I took your advice and read over my previous posts – this is new because I can never bear to read back – I always find I write such drivel it makes me cringe.

I can see exactly where it started to unravel – it was the first time my mother asked me to go. ALthough I said no that night and for several more nights I described how plans were formulating in my head – I had been triggered.

I didn’t have to act on that trigger and I probably wouldn’t have except I couldn’t bear to see my mum disappointed when she had no one to go with some nights later. She actually left the house to go ( I had said no again) and returned looking disappointed.

Now I need to ask myself why was my mum’s visit to the casino more important than my happiness, my peace of mind and my financial wellbeing. This acting on a trigger has caused me so much worry and pain, and continues to do so.

I made the decision to go. Why can other adults prioritise their own needs while I am still people pleasing? Having enough money to survive is a basic human need.
All the way there my inner voice was screaming no – but when I placed that first bet I was lost.

I guess it’s good that I have identified the exact chain of events.

I won’t be home for the next few months – plenty of time to have a robust plan in place.

11 days to get by – I can do it .

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been a people pleaser since childhood. It’s a hard trait to overcome. I made great strides last year saying NO! Many family members didn’t like it! Remember that your happiness and well being should be the #1 priority! Then everything else falls into place. Take care. You’ve got this!

[jen3]

IDI.. Thank you for the post on my thread. I responded and than started thinking about something. If I recall your family struggles with gambling too?? There is absolutely nothing wrong with refusing to go to casinos when you are back home. Maybe in the future when your mom and whoever sees your life improving from not gambling she/they will want the same. .. who knows, maybe that will never happen BUT either way you need to focus on you and not pleasing or fitting in with them. Always remember …Satan knows your weakness and next time you are home he will try to use your family to lure you in. Hopefully because of the memory of the last time you will be ready to say “not today” On another note I am curious about the interview?? You would think I am the one who had the interviewed and is waiting to hear back.. lol

[vera]

As you reflect on the chain of events that led you to gamble, IDI, may I be so bold as to add two comments.
1. You were not doing your mum any favour by going with her. You succumbed to her manipulation.
2. What plan can you make that will create a different situation on your next visit home?
Could you arrange your mum to come and visit you for weekends and perhaps help her to break the pattern of gambling when you both get together?
I know how difficult it is to change family traditions especially around Christmas.
Your mum is enabling you to gamble because she needs your enablement (even permission) to go!
Quite a complex situation for all concerned.
No easy answers.
A young man in GA discussed similar problems over the years. He was helpless….lo and behold an elderly lady turned up in a totally different Room one night. It was his mother!
Life can be full of surprises.
“When I change , everything changes”!!

[Monica1]

RE your Asda top and buying m and s for others. I too do that. I bought my sister top notch elemis pro collagen marine cream for Xmas and what do I have, L’Oréal or neals yard frankincense cream, much much cheaper. I bought my sons smart watches and I hve a simple watch which I got as a pressie from my sis.
What is it about us that will go all out like that for friends and family but not so much for ourselves. I guess I just like to make people happy or at last I think that’s what it is.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth, Monica , Vera and Jen.

I have taken all your points on board and appreciate your posts .

I am happy to have had a gamble free day.

[kin]

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.

Hi I-did-it,

Thank you for your kind thought and post on my thread. I read your questions and only have this to say that I have learn to accept and live with this imperfection in my life. Not every day, every week, every month was good but I try to remain positive and hopeful. It help me to move on with life and not get stuck living in a time from the past. 

Those people in AA and GA says that we are like cucumber that has turn into pickle or we are allergy to alcohol and gambling. Before I have true acceptance of my addiction, I approach this problem like I would with any problem in running a business, office or company. It has proven to be a useless and fruitless for me to fight a devil more powerful than me.

It was only after I find the bible, the 12 steps recovery program and a higher power in Jesus Christ that I find a direction and a power greater than anything else I know that can help me do what I cannot do for myself.

You are in my prayer today.

[jen3]

In case I do not run into you today, best of luck tomorrow! I feel it’s yours and will be praying for you… Remember… that no matter what happens the best is yet to come.

[Monica1]

It will be ok, dont want it too much and enjoy it. You are a great person, I have always thought that with a lot to offer. Go with an open mind and be impartial as to the outcome.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica , Jen and KIn.
I love the idea that I am a cracked pot which makes me an improved version in some ways. I know that in my work I have empathy for people who have completely messed up their lives through bad decisions … I get it .. I get how close I have come so many times.

thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers – I really don’t mind the outcome -just don’t want to let myself down!

Onwards and upwards – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me .

[jen3]

Darn we got cut off in chat. Just want to say I was laughing so hard. I know our life’s are really not that funny but it feels good to laugh. On a serious note I am glad today is behind you. One less thing to stress about.

[i-did-it]

Hi jen, thank you for your post – laughter is the best medicine !

I have just time for a quick post before work.

I have yet another cold/flu thing developing. I seem to spend half my life with these things nowadays whereas in the past I was so resilient -. Is it due to age? Or stress ? Whatever it is I am not happy – i hate going to work feeling like this but if I lie down under every cold I now get I might as well retire.

Life is pretty good. I am just about surviving financially . A few things will bounce – I will pay them when my money comes in next week. Not a lot I can do about that so no point in stressing over it.

That’s about it – onwards and upwards

[Nick]

Hi i-di-i thanks for you message on my post , it does seem like no-one cares sometimes and it gets pretty frustrating ive just come off a 5 day alcohol daze whilst i was trying to blot everything out. i’ll never stop trying to give up.

[i-did-it]

Thank you for your post Nick. People care- and we always get more responses when we have made a huge mess and don’t know where to turn- because every single person on here knows what that feels like. It is a horrible feeling – knowing a family holiday or a newly decorated room has just been gambled away in a few hours. We all get how horrible that is.

Life is funny – there is so much going on in my life right now and so much I need to do and yet my life has been reduced to staying in bed fighting flu. I guess I am realising that the world will go on without me – the only place where I am really important is in my home ! The only people who would be devastated at the loss of me is my family .

That sounds so morbid but lying in bed gives us plenty of time to reflect.
I need to start looking after me and I need to start really appreciating and prioritising what really matters.

[Nick]

Hi i-d-i i couldnt agree more some members of my family would be horrified if i wasn’t here anymore, i’m working on new strategies to keep me on the straight and narrow, like getting more involved with things i enjoy doing. Planning my next day the night before so i have some structure as well. Woke up today feeling okay although i didn’t sleep well but i never do anyway. Hope your feeling better soon.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Nick.
I haven’t posted in a while as I have had very bad flu and a bereavement and really didn’t feel up to posting. I hope that you have taken note that it’s not just you who gets ignored on your thread sometimes!
The bereavement – think it is the first time I have felt anything in so long – i thought my feelings had numbed comepletely so despite the horribleness of the emotion, on some level I was glad to just feel.

I go through life with a smile and a don’t care attitude – and it’s not put on. People don’t get to me the way they used to- it the past I worried when people discussed me – now I absolutely couldn’t care less.

– I find out today if my loan comes through- oh yeah I kinda gambled . I registered with a foreign casino and deposited but it wouldn’t allow me to play the games because I was in the wrong country. They are refunding me my deposit .
In a way my barriers held up because I could not access any sites I could actually gamble on.

Therefore I haven’t decided whether I have been gamble free or not this year – I think I will go with gamble free for as we all know success breeds success!

[jen3]

Hi IDI! Sorry I missed you yesterday. I came back and waited but than I had to go. I am so glad you were on unable to gamble. I have been worried because I knew you were getting your loan. IDI, I know there is nothing I can say or do to keep you from gambling once your mind is made up. However I am going to try…… Go back to where you were before you had to apply for loan. You were miserable, you even wanted to apply to go inpatient. Nothing is going to change if you decide to gamble. You will just end up worse off than you were before. I know it’s so dang hard to stop the insanity. I myself would like to go play this weekend… however I do not want to deal with the aftermath. I can’t take another gambling hangover. Even if I was successful and did not dump money, it will just encourage me to try again another time and eventually it will lead to the same old tears…. Think it through my freind… I want you to have that new kitchen set and whatever else it is you want. Satan on the other hand, well he wants you to be miserable. Don’t let him win.. Now is the time to lean on God, Not after the damage is done. Hopefully I am able to take my own advice.

[Monica1]

Just posted and lost it.
I have been following your thread even though I have been post dry for a while. Mostly,from playing that dumb game instead of dealing with the debt. It’s such a long haul and soul destroying. Glad you cut your credit card debt down from 9 years. Makes u wonder when we will ever be out of debt doesn’t it? In my case with one debt 50 years. Hope u r recovering from the flu now and I am sorry about your bereavement.
I am glad the foreign site didn’t enable u to play. You know there are all these dodgy overseas sites and u will just kiss any money goodbye.
How did the interview go? You didn’t post about it.
And the winter is one long bug ridden time. Everyone at work has been coughing and spluttering for months or throwing up.
Hope to catch u in group.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jen for your post.

Another gamble free day- had the usual thoughts about bingo and then decided to postpone until tomorrow . Postponement has become my best friend.

I seem to be over the worst of the flu – it was a bad one and has left me really tired.

I have been working through a system of tidying — I tackle a tiny space each day but those spaces are starting to become more plentiful and tidy cupboards lead to tidy spaces.

Today I doubled a direct debit to allow me to pay a credit card debt in half the time – there is still over four years left but that’s better than nine . I am really aiming to be debt free in the next five years – which will mean most of my adult life has lived in the shadow of debt. That’s about it – hungry like always – gonna go get crisps,..

[Nick]

Hi idi thanks for your message on my journal, Moses stands for multi operator self exclusion scheme. It allows you to self exclude from as many bookmakers as you like in one go. I’m feeling upbeat at the moment , I hope your feeling okay as well.

[Jezi]

Helloo, flus are nasty 🙁 im glad youre feeling better tho!

I know all too well how it feels to be in great debt, but like you said, 5 years is better than 9. Better than burying your head in the sand and wait for the authoroties to come knocking on your door!

Also thank you for commenting, im really not sure if telling always is the best option although im terribly sick of lying.

How long have you been gamble free now?

Have a lovely day xxx

[charles]

Hi IDI, did you get that loan? If so then what have you done to keep that money safe? Keep posting.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Nick, Jezi and Charles
I got the loan Charles but I kinda have nowhere I can gamble online . My Gamstop must have finally kicked in after all these months because yes I have tried .
Bingo continues to tempt me daily and I continue to talk myself into waiting until the next day.

I have planned tomorrow night and I will be going for a meal with friends .
Jezi I have been gamble free since New Year ( ?? read previous posts). Last year I stayed gamble free for about six months but my longest every was eight months.

I am still feeling under the weather a bit with this flu although I am on the mend. I have the loan in my bank and I have spent it a hundred different ways in my head. I guess a lot of it will go to repayments and living expenses – but I really want new clothes . However if I can manage to make do I will be in a much better position next month. If I didn’t get the loan I would have had to make do…

I guess that’s my decision made

[vera]

do you still c ount the days to payday, IDI?

[i-did-it]

LOL yes Vera , I still ***** the days until payday.
12 days to go.
Actually your question has just made me realise I have always *****ed down to pay day. Usually it was to make sure I could survive, but more recently my focus has changed to not gambling.

I think maybe you were doing something similar during your long stint of gamble free time when you were planning your next PLAN deposit . It does actually motivate .

You question is interesting because it has shifted something in my head – Instead of going through the daily watching the clock for bingo and talking myself out of it , I have decided to wait until after payday . My big win will still be in the bingo hall! Lol.

Now I need sleep – I over indulged in the old alcohol last night – it is like gambling for me – once I start to drink I can’t stop .
However I don’t crave it, can easily go without it , and probably only drink maybe once a month .
Stil I hate the next day when I can’t remember parts of the night and I hate the guilty feeling I always have – like I have done something really bad. (Catholic guilt maybe ?). It’s also like gambling in that I wish I could have one or two like others seem to and then stop.
I also wish I could drink a “lighter” drink because when I try to drink something with lower alcohol it just makes me want a stronger hit. So many similarities to gambling .
That’s about it – need sleep.

[i-did-it]

I am building up gamble free time and the urges are simply thoughts which I try not to entertain. I have some good things to look forward to and yet this time it doesn’t feel like recovery. I don’t really feel good about not gambling in the way I have in the past . Perhaps this is due to the flu and my recent bereavement. I’m not sure.

I dreamt recently that I was driving beside a river and my car went in. I somehow managed to get it onto a little muddy island where it sank completely into the mud. My friend and I were on top of the car and were rescued but I had months of work in the boot of my car and all my clothes .
I realised that I hadn’t a single penny to replace any of my stuff or my even my car. I wasn’t sure I had made my insurance payment . I was in full panic mode and as usual the shock I had just experienced hardly registered as the familiar worries about money and survival took over.

I recently wrote that it feels like I don’t feel anymore. Now I relaise that I haven’t given myself space to feel. When things happen my first thoughts are how much will this cost ? Have I enough money ?

[Steev]

That is an interesting dream and your comments chimed in with my thoughts on my walk today. As you know I am selling my house and could not stop thinking about it and it reminded me of being badly in debt and going over the cost of things in my mind. Can I make ends meet and for how long?
I tried to practice mindfulness but it’s far more difficult to do when you need to.

Your work and clothes could be symbols of what you have lost in the gambling mud. Clothes are the physical goods, work might stand for the internal work needed to heal. There is a school of therapy called “the work.”

I know I put off healing my hurts with gambling. I just didn’t want to tackle my low self-esteem, issues in my marriage, upset over my mother’s suicide … I know when I did start to look at these things it was like peeling an onion, more and more stuff further down. But I don’t regret my decision to tackle these things – I am more content now and excited, (and scared) about entering a new phase of my life.

Sorry for such a long post. I hope some of what I have said resonates with you and helps you to stay on track gf and move into you new life. Go well!

[finding_laura]

I’m here was reading your thread!

[finding_laura]

Sorry IDI, I wish the chat room would make a noise when someone comes in. I was reading back about your bereavement and the flu. I’ve been sick with the flu too. Horrid. I missed a lot of time from work. I’m so sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose someone we love. I’ve been really struggling this past month. Not gambling but no time or energy other than work and necessary chores. Lots of rest with the flu. I need to get the cleaning lady in but I don’t want to make her sick! Keep counting the positive changes IDI. Laura xo

[Nick]

Hi idi I know exactly what you mean when something breaks or goes wrong the panic of where the monies coming from is unbearable. We didn’t make a mint this morning for the charity but over £60 which was better than we expected.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev, Laura and Nick.
I can’t find the therapy but there is a film somewhere with the same name which is based in a unique programme in a prison.
Well down Nick on the fundraising .
Laura I hope you feel better soon.

Today I have a new plan.
My plan is to focus on me.
I feel overwhelmed when I think of all I have to do.
So today I am getting new glasses, new face cream, new clothes and maybe a new duvet cover. I haven’t got a lot of money but I would normally think £200 was a cheap night gambling so here I go off to spend that same £200 on me .

Can I afford it? I can’t afford not to spend money on me.
I am getting low, I am lonely, l feel unvalued and unimportant .
Who better to mAke me feel valued than me?

Onwards and upwards.

[lizbeth4]

Self care! It’s alright and healthy to spend money on ourselves. I’m sorry that you are feeling this way today. You have value and are important! Remember that. I hope to see you in chat tonight.

[Monica1]

Self care helps us a lot, it has certainly been part of my recovery although I overspend somewhat. But hey, it’s good for us. What did you buy? What face cream? And new glasses is always good.
I need to do groups more as I have a little issue with that computer game, but it is nothing like gambling in that what I spend I can well afford. But nevertheless it is still a waste and I don’t like waste any more.
I miss our conversations. Sometimes in a big group we can’t talk so much, well not like we used to. And I miss Laura too so,it was good to hear from her. Winter a struggle for us all but we will prevail and all make it through… lots of love xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Sorry that I didn’t see you in chat yesterday evening! It was Jen and I until I was kicked off and couldn’t get back on. I’ve gambled again. Loss wasn’t great but nevertheless puts a strain on my finances. I feel a connection with both you and Jen. I hope that we can meet in chat sometime soon. Feeling a little low today but determined not to gamble!!! Thanks for listening.

[charles]

Hi I Dit it.

Just a suggestion. Maybe it would help to find another target other than pay day. Personally I always recommend one day at a time when it comes to not gambing.

If you do need a longer target then find one but having it as payday means that you are achieving a target at the very point that you are most able to gamble. This might be problematic.

Just a thought.

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for your posts.
I miss our conversations too Monica.
Lizbeth I could see you had been In Chat but you were gone by the time I logged in.
Charles, some times when I have literally a few pounds to survive until payday I still find a way to gamble. I think a feeling of lack rather than plenty is a bigger trigger for me.

However, I also know that almost everything can be a trigger- so my barriers are good enough to stop me from doing any real damage even if I do have a slip, which I don’t intend having .
I still have my daily urges to go to bingo – even if I do give in and go I won’t spend a fortune there – however it opens the floodgates to crazy gambling.

I now have a little money in my own account ( my own stash) . This is something I have never really had and I find it so motivating . I keep checking in on it lol. I feel I can finally make plans and treat myself . Yesterday that was a day and night face cream(cheap ones ), an on sale coat , a not on sale but still cheap enough dress, my supplements which really help me , a lovely woolly cardigan, a lipstick and a blusher.Perhaps that’s where I have went wrong in the past – never feeIing I actually owned anything .
My husband comments on everything I buy for me in a most begrudging way – he always has done – my son who is almost grown up now challenges him for it . I secretly chuckle to myself because my son does it in such a way my husband has no comeback. I never dreamed that in the midst of my miserable excuse for a marriage I could actually raise such a wonderful loving son. I used to feel cheated by only having one child, but recently I feel privileged to have a bond that no person has been able to intrude upon for even a second.

MY coat is my first in years which is not a hand me down, it is also distinctive and bright because I am no longer buying things which will last – I am buying things which as Marie Kondo says will “spark joy”.
I am going to see about decorating my bedroom this weekend- remember my new focus is on me! I reckon I can afford a new curtain set, new duvet cover, and I am going to go crazy with white paint. Maybe I will start tomorrow night …
How many times have I written about decorating ? This time I think I might actually do it! Lol.

Seems I have plenty to say tonight .my mood is on the up – I think it’s due to my supplements , my focus on me and my secret stash! I should have had this years ago but I always tried not to in case it triggered gambling.
In truth it’s as Vera put it- it’s mindset that determines whether or not we act on triggers.

[Jezi]

Hellos, im glad that you are treating yourself to something worthwhile rather than gambling – its a nice and motivating feeling! To know that money can actually bring you joy instead of headache.

When i get back home i think im gonna do the same. Maybe even change the wallpapers in our bedroom which is something ive wanted to do for a long time.

Have a wonderful day:)

[i-did-it]

thank you Jezi for your post.
So I didn’t get to start tonight – some thing happened that reminded me we never know the hour or the place.
We need to live every moment as if it is our last. We never know when our health will be snatched from us and the those things we try to control will then be controlled by someone else.

We need to let go sometimes.
We need to focus on what is important . Our homes are the most important material thing we have – we should make them as beautiful as we can for the benefit of our family – everything We do should be for the benefit of our loved ones. – and some times that means being good to ourselves so that we can be better versions of ourselves,

No gambling thoughts – well except the lottery . 8 days until payday !

[jen3]

How you doing IDI?? I keep missing you in chat. The other day it would not let me submit my comments. In any case thinking of you and hoping you are doing well.

[Jezi]

What you said is exactly what it is! I’ve always felt somehow insufficient. That no matter what i do it’s never enough. Somehow my twisted mind made believe that if i could win big i could finally treat my close ones to something good. A trip, a new car for my hubby or just a dinner out with a close friend who is troubled. The mind works in mysterious ways eh?

With love jez

[lizbeth4]

Are you alright? I read your last post and could relate. We never know what is going to happen in our lives. Life is precious and fragile. Our health should be our number one priority. I’ve lost many loved ones. All of them had no control over their lives as they were all very ill. Live life to the fullest!
I agree about your house, environment. I’m thinking of sprucing up my bedroom after reading your posts. Have a great day!!

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your supportive post! It’s interesting to see others views on my family situation. What you have said made a lot of sense. I hope you are having a good weekend. Take care.

[Jezi]

Hi idi, i hope you are well and thanks for your post. Back home and trying to occupy myself with healthy new habits. Your ideas on redecorating your home really sparked something in me. So today im gonna go look for new wallpapers and im also thinking about putting in a new carpet in the bedroom. I might even buy some new curtains and stuff. Holy moly! I’ve always “saved” all my money for gambling so this going to feel good im sure.

Have a wonderful day xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jezi and Lizbeth for your posts.
I have read Steev’s comments on your thread Jezi about how losing the “cg” label has helped him in his recovery.

I find myself feeling very frustrated in groups when people use that offensive term- I have done for years and yet I continue to attend . Am I such a complete doormat?
Why do I allow people to call me names ?

I have yet to find a person who uses it exclusively for themselves and I’m not sure they have the right to label others.
I have decided to give my recovery a real chance I am going to stop attending groups on here.
I have been more than clear this I find it offensive and now when I’m in groups and people make generalisations using that term I find I feel annoyed and helpless.
Two feelings that are not helpful for recovery. They excuse it by saying that’s what they call themselves but like I said I have never came across a person who uses it exclusively for themselves.
I want to feel supported not put down. This journey is hard enough.

So I am going to skip groups and see if it helps – attending them certainly hasn’t !

I am going to try Steev’s idea of changing the label to a positive one and see if it helps .

[Jezi]

I see where you are coming from! We are all different even though we are in the same boat sort of. That being said, we are in what i can see different sections. Theres no magic cure that goes for all of us, unfortunately!

I was very offended when i went to that first ga meeting. Instead of feeling supported i felt pushed and pressured. That annoyed me and i felt like i wanted to leave for a while. I also gambled the day after cause i was overwhelmed and felt like theres no way out. But i do feel relieved now that i told my husband – but i also dont. A lot of mixed feelings. He is not giving me the support i need, and i feel stupid. I dont know what i was expecting but at least i dont have to hide my credit card bills hah. Im gonna give ga another go tomorrow, think they are gonna be shocked that i told him cause i was like – no absolutely not, no way.

Hang in there xxx

[Steev]

I’m not sure I find the term CG offensive. I guess I feel that it describes my behaviour but it does not define me. I can say that I am a compulsive gambler but I am much more than that. I feel comfortable with “recovering gambler” – but we are all different.

That is why when I post I try to post about myself – I know my own story and what works for me. I don’t presume to know what will works for others. We are here to support each other in stopping gambling and I don’t mind how others get there – indeed I might learn from them!

Over new year I was with a group of counsellors and talk turned to gambling and other addictions and the need to (and I used the term) challenge people. For me GA isn’t there to just pat people on the back and say – there you just carry on – there has to be some challenge of what people are doing – in my mind at any rate.

One of the other counsellors didn’t like my use of the word challenge and suggested “interruption.” When we see people we care about doing destructive behaviour (like gambling) we can try and interrupt that pattern. So asking them to put barriers in the way, give up money, stop lying, etc. I think these interruptions are easier when it is practical things that can be done – more difficult when dealing with a person’s thinking.

I will miss you in group – you were the first person I met there, but if you feel they are not working for you – so be it. I don’t know what you intend to replace them with, one-to-one maybe? I have tried all sorts of approaches and once I start travelling, intend to try more. I would like to keep in touch somehow.

[sherrie]

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I enjoy chatting to you. Just cos you don’t like a frequently occuring phrase on recovery websites isn’t a reason not to enjoy all the good they have to offer. I don’t do GA myself and I think it’s a real negative to start every meeting with I’m a CG and I last gambled etc. My focus atm is looking at the positives like where I am today compared to the start if the month. I get where you’re coming from and respect your decision. I’m just asking you to try focus on some good chats you had to make sure you aren’t making a mistake. Have a good day. Sherrie xxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Jezi, Steev and Sherrie,
I skipped group last night – I sometimes miss it because I can’t make it, but last night I chose not to go – I had a lovely night with my son, doing things which I have possibly neglected. I need to shift my focus away from gambling and gambling support and focus on my life.

The truth is the groups have become as addictive for me as gambling. I can spend hours in groups on different sites – another form of escape I guess.

I have connected with some really wonderful people there and I will continue to write on my thread- just for now while I regroup I am going to try give the groups a miss and spend the time in real life.

Steev I get where you are coming from with challenging people . I find any type of forceful challenging demotivating (not saying thats what you do!). It makes me feel like I am stupid, that others have lost patience with me and that I can’t make it without someone constantly on my case.

I would probably use the word suggestion rather than interruption. We all know that the power of suggestion can have a huge impact on our thinking – and I guess this is where a trained counsellor would be really helpful for me.

I have closed the gap in my barriers. It is payday and I am unusually worried .I have some things planned and I am going to have to cancel most of them.
I guess I can make it up to people but seems I am back in a familiar loop.

That’s about it . Money anxiety is probably one of the worse.

[i-did-it]

It’s St Brigid’s day – the first day of Spring!
A time of change and new growth.
A time to start looking forward to summer.
Here’s to a gamble free season!

[sherrie]

It’s great to see you posting. Have a great day buddy. Xxx

[i-did-it]

So I have had a few gamble free days . I have clawed back some of the money I had lost. life is looking considerably brighter. I need my hair done , the dog needs to be groomed and I have some very big expenses this month.(nice weekend away with family and friends – can’t wait !).

. So I am thinking dry cut for me which is cheap and the dog’s grooming will come out of the money I save on a full hair styling and colour . Just for this month I need to save money!

Today I don’t feel the need to stay in bed for half of Saturday as usual. It is bright outside and the birds are singing -I am seriously considering whether I might have a touch of SAD. The brightness of the day is calling to me and I feel super motivated.
i am also wondering if this new energy comes from a decrease in screen time as I haven’t been in groups although I joined one of two where I noticed specific people had just posted.
Everything in moderation I guess.
It is too easy to live our lives in a virtual bubble nowadays as life passes us by. Even support can become detrimental when over done – I guess that could apply counselling , GA or anything which takes up so much time that we are not actually making the changes we need to in our lives.

I feel God is smiling on me ! I know he is !

[jen3]

Hi IDI! You are doing Great!! I can relate on many levels. My therapist told me to limit my time on this site. Even without whatever it is we do for our “recovery” we live in such a busy world. I am always praying for God to help me balance my life, time with him, work,family,friends, recovery, myself etc. I sometimes wonder how I even had time to fit gambling in… Not to mention the aftermath of it. Anyways keep on keeping on.

[i-did-it]

thanks Jen.

I had another night wasted on gambling .
The good thing is my barriers held up most annoyingly .
Even while I was trying to get around them I kept thinking I am about to throw away this big trip my son is looking forward to. I have no way of getting the money back for it . I have exhausted all avenues . He will be devastated and I have no idea what I will do – and yet I still felt compelled to gamble – I still do…

God I have the worst mind .

[jen3]

I am glad you were not able to gamble. You could not right??? I know how much you love your son and just how frustrating it can be that our addicted brains would choose to zone out in our addiction and potentially hurt the ones we love most. It all sucks! Keep trying IDI. (Not to gamble but not to lol) Pray for God to take over. Thinking of and praying for you.

[Monica1]

Not sure from your post whether u were able to gamble or not?
There can’t be many sites left, only the dodgy overseas ones or r u trying with your maiden name?
Knowing there are only the dodgy sites left would really put me off. Why is it that u want to gamble do you think? What is driving it? I don’t want to gamble at all because I see it as a big fraud, a lie. I could,win a hundred thousand tomorrow and I know that it will be on the back of some poor souls losses. I also know that it would trigger the addiction all over again and money again will become meaningless in value. I,don’t want to engage with the misery of gambling, I am living with the daily damage of what the addiction has done for me. So what is it? Rebelliousness? I can relate to that as when I had blockers on i was forever finding ways around them and was usually successful in that.
Boredom? The need to release stress with the excitement of gambling in the same way I used to binge drink in my thirties as a form of release?
This thing is such a beast that we have to constantly Tune into support. When we don’t want to at all. It,is because there is something in the background stopping us and it is usually the addiction up and running, lots of love to you idi x

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica and Jen

Yes I have a lot of hundreds to some dodgy foreign site .
Last night I slept well – had probably seven hours sleep – this is the first good sleep I have had in weeks and I feel better for it today.

What driving it ? I don’t know but I do know I have let myself go in every way possible – lack of sleep , exercise , eating junk, becoming overweight .
I hope that if I continue to make a simple choice to go to bed earlier that I will have the stamina to resist gambling .

I have just woken however , and my thoughts are consumed by the lottery and bingo – I can’t even remember what I used to think about it in the past.

Somewhere along the way my brain has lost the ability to think straight .

That’s about it .

[Jezi]

Hi idi, im the same. But i do know that sleep makes things easier. Slept well tonight and i already feel that i have a lot more physical energy. My mind is clearer too! Might even go for a walk on my lunch break.

I think that maybe forcing yourself to be healthier will lead to a less crooked way of thinking. I had to force myself to start eating again, its not easy but i know it leads to more stress on the body and mind. I have also forced myself to go for short walks and do yoga even though i am exhausted. But id like to think that it helps – and of course getting proper sleep.

I hope you will have a good day xxx

[Steev]

I’m sorry to hear that your thoughts are consumed by lottery and bingo. I wonder what your thoughts would be if they were not?

I know I used gambling to block out things that I really needed to be dealing with. I still sometimes use alcohol and eating to do the same. (My diet is rubbish at the moment as I go through this house sale – although oddly I seem to be losing weight.)

I know you have been around this site for a while (far longer than I have) but have you thought about having a good one-to-one with someone on here? It sounds to me that you are in a lot of pain. I hope you can find a way of dealing with it.

[Monica1]

Well I did t sleep much last night and I figured it was an 11am cup of coffee and thinking about my holiday. I do t usually drink coffee after 9am. We r all different and more energised in every way after a good nights kip.
Now we can work with all the things we don’t like about ourselves. I make a point of doing so. Even if no one else notices, I do, and that is enough for me. I have put off joining a gym but will do so this weekend. I want to take off at least 10 lbs before going away. So we can have a plan for ourselves.
When in recovery we work through the multiple issues that caused us to seek and in my case welcome self destruction. These are often complex, not just one thing, and we need to understand and work through these with the help of our higher power. For me, it was painful mentally, physically and emotionally. We have to dig deep. I am not the same person who I was even pre gambling, I am better and more enriched because of what I know and went through. Hard as it was. Wouldn’t want to go back there ever, but I acknowledge what recovery has shown me.
Hope we speak soon. Going sleep now cos only had 2 hours last night. X

[lizbeth4]

Hi. I just wanted to tell you that you are not a lost cause. You are deserving of everthing good. Everyone’s journey/recovery is different. I’ve tried many different things and approaches to this addiction. Now I feel like outside sources are leading me, my Daughter and Granddaughter. Don’t give up. Everyday is a new day.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev, Lizbeth,Monica and Jezi

I am really touched by your supportive posts.

Jezi I think you are right – respecting our bodies will help us to think clearer- “take the body and the mind will follow “.

Steev, I guess maybe I am in pain – I’m not sure where that pain is coming from- or If it even exists – I guess a lot of time I don’t feel likeable and I over compensate by being “bigger than life”. I lack something – I’m Not sure what it is – but I lack it .

Monica I like the idea of working on ourselves, even if no one notices . I think I am going to work On being “quieter” and less jolly . I laugh and joke my way though life and then I come home and gamble- maybe I need to be more real – maybe I need to trust others just a little . There will always be opinionated people who have to have their say even if it involves putting others down. I wasn’t always the joker – I think it’s a way of coping .

Thank you Lizbeth – I think GA is so not for me – and the more people quote bits of GA at me the more I feel it’s the last programme in the world I would want to do . I personally find the cliches outdated , I find myself amazed when people quote them like they are facts and the relapse rate is so high for GA , I wonder why they try force it onto others.

I do think however that the SMART programme might suit me – it uses modern language and concepts (like CBT) , is clear that labelling should be avoided and it seems less about criticising (under the guise of challenging !!!) and more about encouragement . I try not to criticise others and i definitely do not respond well to it . I am going to check out SMART again. When I looked into it some years ago my phone was blocked and I didn’t have the technology to access it . I also wasnt really ready for any programme .

That’s about it – each of your comments really made me think. It feels like this post has lifted a weight from inside me. Much appreciated xx

[Monica1]

When I was deep in the do you were the one that advised me to have a plan on each area of life. And I do have a kind of plan and some goal setting, knowing that life can change plans sometimes.
We have done GA a lot on here and it isn’t for you and it isn’t for me either! It helps others, we can also see that. End of. Move on… I will look up the smart programme. Now gma Programme helped, it didn’t do it for me but it helped a lot, just to have someone there in the counselling to encourage without judgment. But for me it was a tough time, no doubt about that. I really liked the Jesus focussed celebrate recovery Jen spoke about except it is nt down sarf unfortunately. That sounded like a good programme.
I think u know deep inside that controlled gambling with limits doesn’t work. But it does reduce harm. I was constantly setting limits and then stopping the limits. It plays with the mind in the same way that reverse withdrawal does. There will always be the time when if we just coulda put in another 20 quid thoughts. And I don’t like the way these things manipulate our thinking, we are being manipulated by a silly machine at the end of the day.
I don’t think you r in pain idi, not in the same way some on her including me are or was. But I do think there is something niggling away at the back of your mind which when we are in group I might mention, but not on your thread. Something along the classic mid life crisis sort of thing. And we could all take a leaf out of take the body and the mind will follow, junk in leads to junk thoughts. I know that one for sure. I need to get my body moving and to become more friendly to it. Let’s see if I join the gym today!

[i-did-it]

Monica Thanks for such a great post. I think you exactly hit the nail on the head !

In my last post when I talked about being likeable I was going to write about my looks fading ( they are faded)! I thought it sounded too conceited so I deleted it but here goes anyway .

My looks have carried me through such a lot of situations -I had a pretty face which wasn’t so pretty that I seemed unapproachable – I could charm interview panels, barmen, policemen ( I have smiled my  way out of so many speeding offences ) etc.

I used to love looking at myself in photos ( I was very photogenic and looked better in photos than real life,) I now look horrendous in photos – my teeth hve shifted and are no longer straight- a few of my bottom teeth seem to have stained – my weight has ballooned , – I have broken veins on my face – the wrinkles I don’t mind – I quite like them to be honest . It’s the new bulgy bits I hate and the new sunken bits.

I don’t mind getting older – what I hate is that I am an ugly older person .

When I think about the big win – it is always followed by thoughts of Botox, cosmetic dentistry , liposuction etc.

So there I am as shallow as I am vain! I want to look nice more than I want to really change of my character faults !

On the positive side – I no longer speed- I don’t want to pay fines !

[Monica1]

You are not ugly. Not at all. Everyone has things about their appearance or body they would like to change. Sometimes we get how we think we appear to others out of proportion. And there are things we can do about it even though it may seem like we are fighting a losing battle, we need to keep up the good fight. Power about to go on iPad so will post later. Xx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica
Today I have decided to start a healthier eating routine . My mantra will be take the body and the mind will follow . I feel full of energy – the bright Spring sunshine seems to lift my whole body – perhaps next autumn I will invest in some of those “daylight “ lamps instead of gambling all my spare cash .

I think I have got myself out of yet another financial disaster – I will know for definite on Tuesday .
This one is more serious than usual – I really don’t know what will happen if things don’t work out .
I could be reaching rock bottom instantly. I feel mostly confident things will be ok … but then I can’t be sure. I am fine right now but an unfavourable outcome could push me over the edge . So stupid to end up in this situation! (Again)

I guess if I read back my posts over the past decade nothing much has changed – except despite the consistent short term crises I am in a much better financial situation overall, because I have set up direct debits to make sure everything is paid the moment my wages hit my account.

Not much else to say – got a lot of cleaning to do – A LOT
Sold something small on eBay – I think I will list lots of things just in case my “solution” doesn’t come through . What a way to live…

[kin]

[Jezi]

Hi idi! I like the idea of ” take the body and the mind will follow”. It rings very true to me. If we take good care of ourselves in terms of feeding our bodies with nutritous foods, get good sleep and excerise on a regular basis the mind WILL follow. At least it worked for me in the past, even though i still gambled. Not saying that it was healthy to gamble of course! But im sure i would feel a lot better if i could pick up all the healthy habits again, it would make things easier. One step at a time right now though. 

I hope that the financial disaster you are worried about wont happen! 

[kin]

Hi Jezi,

Take away the letter H from the word “Habit” (Gambling), you still have abit (Gambling). Take away the letter A from the word “ABIT”, you still have bit (Gambling). Take away the letter B from the word “BIT”, you still have it (Gambling).

This habit took many years to developed, it will take some time to go away.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Kin.
I watched the video and thought it was excellent .
You know I have urges all the time but today each time they came I said “I used to Gamble but through the grace of God gambling interests me no more “ and yes it takes the urges away .
Thank you for sharing your wisdom .

I have just spent two hours washing and grooming the dog . Her tail was very matted and took an hour ! I feel a sense of satisfaction now it’s complete .
Today I went shopping and bought lots of really good food for the week – beef joint for pot roast , chicken fillets for curry , meat and veg for stew . Just need to get some good fish and it’llnea pretty good week .
I have so much to do before morn – not sure why I only feel motivated at night.

[charles]

Hi IDI,

I would repeat what others have said – no one is a lost cause. Recently you posted that you really felt that talking one to one with someone would really help you. Why not give that a try?

[i-did-it]

Sorry I missed your group tonight Charles because the answer to your question is in the group title “shame and guilt “.

[i-did-it]

If my solution doesn’t work out – I am planning another solution and I realise this is as low as I am going to go. I can’t believe the plan which is formulating in my previously honest mind. When did I become this person?

Please if you are reading this say a prayer things work out for me .

“I used to have a gambling addiction but by the grace of God I no longer gamble”

[lizbeth4]

I’m not sure of your situation or what solutions you are contemplating. Don’t do anything that you will regret. I am praying for you.

[vera]

I prayed that your plan will succeed -if it is for your good.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth and Vera

Plan has succeeded .

I am finding Kin’s prayer so amazing . It‘s hard to thank God for his grace which has stopped me from gambling and then gamble .

I used to have a gambling addciton but by the grace of God I no longer gamble .

Praise God

[Jezi]

Good to hear that your plan worked out for the better.

Keep up the good work xx

[lizbeth4]

Hi idi. I’m glad your plan worked.

[Nick]

Well done idi , i prayed for you .

[kin]

13 Job’s sons and daughters were having a feast in the home of his oldest son,

14 when someone rushed up to Job and said, “While your servants were plowing with your oxen, and your donkeys were nearby eating grass,

15 a gang of Sabeans[a] attacked and stole the oxen and donkeys! Your other servants were killed, and I was the only one who escaped to tell you.”

16 That servant was still speaking, when a second one came running up and saying, “God sent down a fire that killed your sheep and your servants. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

17 Before that servant finished speaking, a third one raced up and said, “Three gangs of Chaldeans[b] attacked and stole your camels! All of your other servants were killed, and I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

18 That servant was still speaking, when a fourth one dashed up and said, “Your children were having a feast and drinking wine at the home of your oldest son, 19 when suddenly a windstorm from the desert blew the house down, crushing all of your children. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

20 When Job heard this, he tore his clothes and shaved his head because of his great sorrow. He knelt on the ground, then worshiped God 21 and said:

“We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The LORD alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the LORD!”

22 In spite of everything, Job did not sin or accuse God of doing wrong.

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for your posts

I have always valued my privacy so much.
I am afraid to write about the most trivial parts of my life on here in case I am recognised .
So I am not sure what has changed but I am considering taking legal action against an organisation (which is meant to protect people who are addicted to gambling ) for carelessly recording my details incorrectly and therefore denying me the protection I understood I had . ( not a support site)
Why can I not tell anyone I am addicted to gambling and yet feel I can face a very public case?
I think people get away with shabby work become they think we will never challenge ! We are too ashamed to draw attention to ourselves . We feel so low we want to hide and this means we are easy to exploit – how many of us have felt ripped off by casinos , bookies etc- but our shame stopped us from taking action .

I am going to contact some solicitors tomorrow I think! We know casinos benefit from our addciton.
Why should organisations which claim to help us ?

I might “come out”with a blast !

[sherrie]

If I was in your position, I would do some research of previous cases to see if mine stood a chance at all. At least if you are going to “come out” so to speak, make sure that you are forewarned what to expect the outcome to be. I don’t fully understand who or why you are intending to take action against to be able to offer my opinion on the matter. I wish you well with it though. x

[vera]

Good luck with your project, Idi. BUT…. I would say all Gambling Sites etc have themselves well protected against such action. Two little words “Gamble responsibly” act in their favour.

[i-did-it]

It’s not a gambling site 

It‘s a site to “protect  “people  with gambling addiction but  I’m not sure how many people have been let  down in the way I have !

They should not be above doing their jobs correctly .

[Author]

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