[brenda01]

Hello

I am new here. Never thought I would have to feel as low as I do to stop my gambling addiction. It started out innocent enough, but I guess that is the same for everyone on here.

Addictive personality is what I have and have known this about myself so how could I let gambling take me to my lowest low ever? I wish I knew, then I wouldn’t be on here joining others who like me, want it to stop.

My poison is slot machines. I preferred going into a casino vs playing on my phone with pretend money.

I like to explain the sound of the machines as a worm in my brain. A worm that grew and grew like a tapeworm. Eating slowly over the past few years until it was as big as me.

Wednesday April 13th was the last time I gambled. I left the casino $5,000 down. The $5,000 I borrowed to pay my IRS bill. Now, I had a real problem, and I knew I was done. I called my 30 year son who has been sober for 9 years. As I drove home in the dark with rain and wind hitting my windshield I cried to my son and said “I need help”. He assured me that everyone loved me, that they were here for me. I wanted to run myself into a semi. I didn’t want to go home, I didn’t want to face the music. Forty five mins of driving I pulled in the garage and my son pulled me out and told me he loved me. My husband came to the garage after hearing commotion and said what is wrong? I had to tell the man I have been married to for 38 years that I let him down and I let everyone down. We talked into the night. I called GA hotline. I took any type of games off my phone and told my family it was time I was accountable.

People knew I like to go to casinos. But nobody knew I was there as often as I was. My family didn’t know……I was what I call a closet gambler.

I entered the Voluntary Exclusion Program in my state. I started my steps and I haven’t had the urge to gamble, yet. I know it is coming. I know the worm wants fed but I am hoping and praying I can stay strong.

To watch my son carry every gun from our home because he was so afraid I would use one on myself. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, I wouldn’t use a gun. I am too anal about a clean home. Instead he should be worried about the pills I have kept because that is how I would end the madness if it was something I wanted to do. I don’t feel that way right now, I feel like I have help and I feel like I am taking one minute at a time, one hour, one day. I hope those turn into one week, one month, one year into a lifetime of being free from the worm of addiction.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[brenda01]

Thanks Kin the Autobiography of an Addict and Wolf Parable were both good reads. They made me stop and think.

As I have begun recovery of telling all my family and a few good friends, I think back to their responses. Interesting that a parable could make me see their faces in my mind after I told them. The first night, I saw no faces because I couldn’t bear to look in my husbands eyes or my sons eyes.

Days have gotten clearer and clearer to me. I pray the Serenity Prayer my son gave me every morning and several times they the day.

Reading other peoples stories helps immensely. Others around me don’t have the understanding of how this could happen so reading other peoples stories make me feel like somebody out there hears me.

[brenda01]

Kin

To see the quotes by professors and doctors is crazy! I imagine that had I ever looked up gambling addiction prior to last week, I would have seen the statistics. But I was hiding from the truth. The facts. The consequences.

Seeing these now makes me realize how deep I have fallen.

Thank you for giving me a couple of doses of reality today. It helps me to keep a level head.

[jvr3419]

Hi brenda I’m happy to here you have support that’s the most important thing during this time. It looks like your taking the necessary steps to get yourself on the right track. Your very lucky to have a son that can show you the ropes on how to heal from addiction that support is the most valuable. Wishing you lots of strength 😊

[brenda01]

Hi jvr3419
Thank you for the kind words. I am trying. I am trying everyday to be accountable and responsible for my actions. I added up all my jackpots for the 2022 so far and filed a new w9 to have $50 extra federal $ withheld so I would t be back in the same boat as this year with owing the IRS.

Made me sick to see not only what I won and blew, but to think I now owe that much as well. It is the price I must pay. Right?

I haven’t had the urge to go back to the casino or even think about gambling on my phone. The memories of last week are still strong. That with the fact that I would be arrested if caught on any properties of the casinos scare me straight so to speak. I hope that feeling continues.

I am grateful to have other people on here that can help with support. It truly is a blessing. I don’t feel alone in this group.

[brenda01]

Ugh….today is one week since I blew thru sooo much money. While I haven’t felt any urge to gamble, I feel so sad today. I feel guilt setting in every day a little more than the day before. I feel so ugly inside.

I have let more people know about my addiction and each time I tell someone it is easier to say. The lump in my throat is still there, and the tears still well up in my eyes.

I feel like they think I am ridiculous. That this isn’t serious. Maybe this feeling is just in my head. I am usually a good read of people but hell I don’t know anymore. Wondering if I am just being paranoid…….

[brenda01]

Today feels brighter. It helps the sun is out and it has warmed up finally. Trying to keep the mind busy with different things. Today the hummingbird feeders, the oriole bird feeders out and a little working in the ground to prepare for a garden. That is about all the planning I can do for today.

I might just sit in the glider and watch the traffic for a bit.

[brenda01]

I just want to thank those of you who have time to post and share and allows others to reply. I read more posts than I write myself, not because I don’t have anything to say. I am just trying to navigate this whole thing.

So many questions pop into my head about this site, yet I worry about sounding like an idiot.
I am grateful to be able to learn from all of you.

[brenda01]

Hi Kin,

I am hanging in there. I have had a lot of stress going on. My dad (Step)has been sick so I have been spending a day driving there to help my parents with odds and ends.

We moved last year to be closer to grandchildren and I don’t regret that decision one bit. But my parents wouldn’t move with us so we could stay closer together and continue to help as needed.

I have one brother who lives 400 miles away, has small children and is a musician who play bass guitar for well known artists. Which means he cannot be of any help since he is so busy. I don’t hold that against him whatsoever. He beats himself up enough for it.

My other brother lives 14 miles away from my parents however, he has an addiction to alcohol that runs his life. He isn’t aware or I guess won’t acknowledge it so I shut my mouth. He has become the very person he hates the most. Donor, as we refer to him. Our real dad wasn’t a part of our life.

Our (step) dad has been all we know. Treated us like his own and still does.

I feel like an only child right now. Running to my dad to appts, hospital, calling insurance companies etc. I think maybe this has taken on its own life and helped me to stay away from gambling. But then I worry it isn’t allowing me to deal with the feelings and behaviors that started my addiction to gambling.

It is hard to find the time to even work on my steps in recovery. Should I worry this new normal is just keeping me from healing? From learning everything I need to know? Or do I look at it as a blessing? It is keeping me too busy to gamble. There is the struggle I have. I want to recover from my addiction. Not just replace it with something else. In this case coping with my parents.

[brenda01]

Oh definitely our loved ones come first. Hope I didn’t imply otherwise. I am thankful for every second I have my parents. I rather meant I hope that my busy time helping them isn’t just keeping me from following my recovery steps.

I still have not gambled since the dreaded night I called my son. Not have I had the desire despite stress. For that I am grateful.

[brenda01]

Kin

I honestly don’t know. My action plan was to do an inclusion program to keep me away from any casino in my state. I really haven’t had time to think about gambling with everything going on. Today I drove to a co-workers, passed three casinos on the way. My heart would race with anxiety near every exit but I know the scare of arrest is enough to scare me. I have already disappointed all the people I love. I don’t ever want to do that again.

I paid $2,000 back of my $11,000 today. It made me feel so good on one side. The other side said look what you could have done with that money you pissed away.

[brenda01]

I feel like I am on an island alone. I am in the US. The closest places is a 2 hour drive. It is so hard.

[jvr3419]

Hi brenda01 I actually live on an island where the only way off is by boat or plane so I understand your statement to some degree. If your feeling alone while trying to recover its important to try and find some supports. Because I was in recovery from other addictions I already had met people through 12 step programs and built a support network that way. The gambling support is harder if there isn’t GA meetings but there is so many forms of addiction support out there. There also is the option off trying the online meetings. Are you seeing a counselor at all? You mentioned you had a son in recovery maybe he nos of some groups or people that can be support for you as well? All else were all here on this forum to. It takes a bit to get used to writing but it really does help. Just getting those thoughts out whatever they may be negative, postive, or whatever will help your head feel clear and you’ll also no there’s people reading it and cheering you on.

[charles]

Thanks Kin – you beat me to it! 🙂 The beauty of the worldwide zmm meetigns, not all GA, is that with different time zones we can connect to support pretty much 24/7. There is lots of support out there.

[Author]

Posts