I’m beyond exhausted today I got home frow work and could barely speak. My body is shaking from pushing myself so hard. I was trying to do more paperwork for getting full possession legally of the cottage and I almost threw the paperwork across the room. I had to go back up to the cottage to put the paperwork on the door for legal purposes. The tenant has now left completely but refuses to come back and clean up. I went inside again and looked at how mangled the place is again. I got upset at how someone could do what he did. I started crying yet again because I’m just so tired and my aunt says ill have to clean it up and fix some of the damage. I told her I’m not paying for new appliances since it’s not my place it’s her responsibility. I no She’s sick but she still has her witts and trys to take advantage me. She made me pay for the paperwork to be filed which I thought was unfair since it was her tenant but thats just how she is. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to go so I have to put up with the bullshit. She’s all I have for blood family left other than my uncle with dementia who I put in a home last year. I couldn’t look after him anymore. He was bed ridden and I’d come home from work and do all his care it was to much for me I did it for 3 years. I had careaids come during the day but they didn’t look after him very well. It was tough on me. I feel like I haven’t had a break in along time. I think when I started gambling I literally just broke I had hit my capacity of stuff I could take. I was dealing with my partners injuries from his accident, my grandma died suddenly and i was the only one with her holding her hand as she past, then I took over her house to look after my uncle in it, my cousin was in the basement and was a severe alcoholic so I was dealing with him and a psychotic gf he had, and I was trying to start a new career in trades after working in Healthcare. Then my aunt decided to be selfish and want her money from my grandmas house so on top of everything else I busted my ass trying to fix the house up to sell with no help from anyone it was alot of work. I think when the house sold and we couldn’t find anywhere to live last summer I just hit my breaking point I broke into a million pieces. On top of having all my past traumas come back to haunt me I think the house selling brought up everything because it was traumatic for me to leave that place since my grandma raised me since I was a little girl in it. I always went back to that house when I needed somewhere safe to go. I relapsed with gambling right after it sold.I think right now I’m just so overwhelmed and tired that I just don’t no how to function well. I’m on autopilot with my head spinning in circles ln how to survive right now. I wish I could take a holiday sooner because I’m just done but I can’t I have to wait till Easter holiday. I have to try and find some gratitude today to see some good things right now. So today I’m grateful for being able to write on here and let my thoughts out. I’m grateful that I have things to look forward to in my future. I’m grateful that today is almost over because tomorrow’s a fresh day to start new with some positive things.
