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#5666
velvet
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Hi Blue Jaffa
You certainly are in a quandary and I hope that by coming here you will find your way to make the decision that is right for you.
I imagine from what you say that your family were about to expose your fiancé for indiscretions, possibly even theft – but your fiancé is thwarting such exposure by coming clean to everyone he works with and that is a great step in the right direction – has he come clean with his family and friends?
When you speak of your family, are you talking about your parents only or are siblings and other relatives also not listening to what is important to you? Do you have any allies and/or friends that you can talk to and who are willing to listen without judging?
Your fiancé did what millions of others do – at one time he gambled for fun. What he didn’t know was that addiction was waiting for him and he was probably too far in before he realised he had a problem. I have played cards for pennies with friends, I have done the lottery, I have been to horse racing and dog racing but for reason unknown to me, I do not have an addiction to gamble, unlike the CG (compulsive gambler) in my life. There is nothing that CGs would like more than to place a bet and walk away whether they have won or lost.
It is so much harder for a CG to change their life when they do not have the right support. By ‘right support’ I mean someone who will not enable under any circumstances, who will not pay off gambling debts but most importantly someone who will listen rather than talk at the person with the problem.
I suspect that your near future will be fraught with difficulties – if you do as your family demands you lose your right to be happy with the man you love, if you go to the man you love you could lose your family.
It seems to me there is no easy way for you at the moment and I am hoping you can keep your family and your fiancé. I cannot tell you what to do BJ; I am of the opinion that if you can wait awhile with things as they are and let your fiancé continue with his determination to control his addiction, while you learn more about his addiction, you will both be able to demolish any unwarranted criticism. I suggest, in the meantime, you keep writing on here and hopefully pop in to the Friends and Family group on Thursday between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we can talk privately in real time. I suggest you stop trying to persuade your family that your fiancé is trying to change his life as it appears you are talking to a brick wall and that doesn’t help you or the man you love, the more anger you show at their inability to listen will probably only aggravate them into thinking you are not able to make a good choice.
I believe that statements of fact are better with those who are not prepared to listen rather than leaving the door open for them to give unwelcome and unasked for opinions.
In my opinion, it is important that your family see you being happy, if is important that your fiancé sees that you are happy. It’s not easy but if you are seen as being unhappy your fiancé will be blamed and he will feel guilty that you are suffering because of him.
Keep talking – you have done well writing your first post. I would not be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that wonderful lives can be lived as a result.
Velvet