Dear Bettie
Your post really worried me. I think you need to go to counselling, can you contact someone, a friend, a relative. You sound very down and thoughts of suicide are things i never take lightly. I have lost people to suicide so i am saying to you that if you are having feelings like this and saying them here then i think you need to be saying them to people in real life that are right in front of you. I am sorry for what you are going through. Please see someone about how you are feeling i am worrying about you after reading your above post. Please ring someone.
P