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    • #54888
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      a fresh start !! really!!
      What is difference this time?
      well, I don’t know. it has been 50 minutes since this new start started.
      something in me is saying it is same, you will take 2 sleep peals and a you will sleep for 12 hr. you will wake up in the next day try to do some urgent work that was urgent for weeks, then you will have another 3 days to 1 week to take your self-esteem to a level where you can do your work.
      Another week to get your diet in order, then another week to start GYM oh.. no.. thanks for covid-19 I don’t have to wary about the GYM.
      After 3 to 4 weeks i will receive my next salary i will pay whatever bill I didn’t pay this month I will have some compulsive eating for a day or two because for the last week of the month I will be living in tight budget.
      and that’s it. After 4 week I will be a functional person again.
      And then the count will start. my best record is 6 months. But mostly it is 30 days to 3 months.
      I have started this new post as a fresh start. But will it be. I don’t know but I really need it to be a fresh and final start.

    • #54889
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      why I have traded again?
      the short answer will be to gain money, that’s it.

      I really think this is the answer not any kind of rush that the other members are talking about I never felt that way ” I feel very stressed and miserable in the middle of it”.

      so to gain money? did it work in the past? the answer is no then why I am repeating it?
      Is it I am still not accepting that what I have lost I will never gain it back and I am still chasing my losses and I have never stopped doing so, maybe.

      Is it stress relief?
      is it the hope that I can fix what I have damaged?
      is it the dream of financial freedom and this is the only way that I think I can use to reach it.?
      Is it my age? I am in my middle thirty’s and after many years of wrong decisions and few years of gambling addiction I am really behind in the game of life. is this an easy fix?

      maybe it is all the above.

    • #54890
      joerdj
      參與者

      Or maybe it is none of the above, I could quote the definition of insanity, but I won’t do that this time.

      Money short terms mean nothing when you waste it on your next trade.

      First, stop what you are doing for a while, then seek for answers.

      You can beat this.

    • #54891
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      in the last few years, I had an idea in my mind, my issue is I have no control once I start trading and I see in trading the forex market a way to win money, so the Idea is this to have a 3rd person to control my account and so he will limit my access to the trading account, in this way I can guarantee that I will follow the money management rules “because the 3rd person is controlling this part”. plus I will not be 24/5 in front of my laptop so the stress emotional part will be controlled.
      in theory, this looks good, but I had this idea for 4 years or more why I didn’t try it?

      this idea was the only thing that makes trading forex as an option in spite of all the consequences.
      now I realized that this idea caused many relapses, It gives me false hope in a rational way that I can win in this game.

      this is maybe one of the missing pieces from my recovery process.

    • #54892
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks for your comment anyway.

    • #54893
      joerdj
      參與者

      A third person controlling it, would not mean that your mind isn’t occupied with it. I could give someone my money to gamble, but then I would still be gambling , so no difference then 

    • #54894
      Rdy4Chng
      參與者

      This is a tough battle. It is easier said than done.
      It is hard because it is a lonely addiction.
      Really wishing you the best in your fresh start.
      I don’t have the answers, I am still struggling, but I know gambling never makes me feel better in the long run. And I always have a choice. We have to choose to stay away from it, because though it may seem appealing, in the end we always fail and always feel miserable and it is an awful cycle.

    • #54895
      i-did-it
      參與者

      Hi Darkenergy,

      In the beginning of my recovery I knew I couldn’t give up gambling.

      So I kept telling myself I was stopping for now – I think I decided for a month at first.

      Now this appears to go against the “one day at a time” way of thinking, but for me it meant I wasn’t giving up on my losses just yet – I was just putting winning them back on hold until my life became more manageable.

      During the early months of this my finances built up and I started to realise that I was now affording everything I thought I needed the big win for.

      I realised I had enough!

      I now don’t want to give up “enough” for a chase that leads to misery and “nothing”.

      I’m not sure if this makes sense but perhaps instead of giving up on your losses you could just postpone chasing them for a few months ?

    • #54896
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      it is indeed a tough battle & a lonely addiction.

      thanks for your support i hope your are doing well.

    • #54897
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I am very happy for you,  you are doing really well.

      I think yes it make senses. but let me tell you about today as of now the idea of trading again is completly out of my mind, I am convinced that I will never go back to it in any way or form and this makes me happy, 

      today is my first day  i am in a good mood  i am focused on my work and very productive and this is NOT NORMAL, i was never focused and productive from the first day in all my previous trials, even the good mood is somthing that I will start to have after a week or 2 .  normally i need a month from day1 to the day where I can say yes I am a functional human being again. but this time it is from Day 1.

      I think the reason is that i have burned the last ship behind me , this was the idea of involving a 3rd party in my trading. it kipt me close to the idea of trading which eventially caused me to relapse many time. but today I let it go.

    • #54898
      i-did-it
      參與者

      So glad to hear this DarkEnergy!
      You deserve to have a good life free from this horrible curse.
      Keep positive and keep strong !

    • #54899
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      the momentum still strong, i am doing very well as a start.

    • #54900
      i-did-it
      參與者

      Keep her lit DE!
      Well done !

    • #54901
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks I-did-it

      still going well, very motivated, no depression, no regrets & i am very motivated.

      I hope this will continue.

    • #54902
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      a bit depressed, working from home is not helping at all. it has been 8 weeks since we start working remotely and it seams it will continue for the next few months.
      the work community was big part of my social life. I am single, living alone and due to years of addiction and the related social withdrawal i have reached to a very low point in this aspect.
      for years I didn’t checked my facebook ac*****, today i have checked it out of boredom, checking it makes me depressed it reminded me how far i am behind in this life and how many years of real life i have lost because of this addiction. well, this reminds me not to check it again.

      and yes it is the 8th day and the ***** will continue.
      what has passed is passed and what I have is only this moments and the moments to come.

      • #77634
        markwi27
        參與者

        Are you here. And you are no longer alone! Hold on! You’ll be all right!

    • #54903
      i-did-it
      參與者

      Hi Darkenergy
      Facebook is lie !
      I know so many people who live their lives not for themselves but so they can boast on Facebook.
      “Look at me I visited my elderly neighbour”
      “Look at me I rescued a puppy”
      “Look at me I love my husband so so much “
      “ Look at me, my kid got his orange belt”
      “ Look at my baby reveal, cos I’m the first person ever to have a baby”

      It should be called fakebook!

      ANever mind where others are in their life (it’s hard I know). Just think about where you are and where you are going .

      You are going toward a gamble free and great life.
      You are on your second week already.

      You will look back and be grateful for all you have learned during the years which are now causing you to feel low.
      You can’t have the Friday feeling without the Monday morning feeling.

      We have had a long bleak “Monday” – the good news is our happy “Friday” last just as long.
      On my ninth month of recovery (and yes I have my low moments ) I don’t know anyone happier than me!

      Hang in there , keep strong, keep plodding along.- the journey may seem a little slow now . Your brain is probably detoxing and you are suffering from withdrawal.

      Good times beckon !

    • #54904
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks I-did-it , thanks for your support.

      I know it is a fakebook, but what affect on me is to see almost every one from my old “friends ” are married with one or two kids having their small family and this part is not fake, I am happy for them but it reminded me that I am really behind in this part of my life, I have been almost in a coma for few years. years from my life vanished, i can;t remember any good moment or activity from that period, all what i remember is that I was totally occupied by this addiction without knowing that I am addict. then I wake up before 3 years from now and since then I am trying to repair all the damage that has been done during that “coma”, i am in the correct rode but i am driving slow and some times in the opposite direction but i hope i will reach to where i need to reach.

      the other aspect is i saw my early pictures on faceook that dates back 10+ years, it takes me back to last years in university and the first years of work, this reminds me how I was thinking, all my dreams , all my hopes, all what I hoped to accomplish in the life to come. and I am now “in the future” 10+ years from that pictures and every thing is collapsed. this is not completely related to the addiction, I chose some wrong choices but the addiction is a huge part of it.

      and yes i got over it “at least for now”.

      but your point regarding what we learned during this addiction period is really priceless, now I know my self better than any time before. I am seeing the life from different perspective now, that I wouldn’t have if i didn’t pass through this bad experience.

    • #54905
      i-did-it
      參與者

      Thank you DE for your very nice post on my thread.
      You can still achieve so many of these things but I do understand what you mean.
      We do feel like we are much later getting to things but perhaps the wait will make it all the sweeter when we get there .
      Keep strong !

    • #54906
      Meghna83
      參與者

      Hi Dark Energy,

      I know what you mean about FB and I do use it myself. My contacts on fb have shared positive and interesting things during this lockdown. I think, from my experience, many of my contacts post their experiences in life (no thrills attached) I use fb for holiday inspiration and checking in on old friends from uni days. I also buy things for a bargain! 

      i guess it depends on how you use it and your vision of things.

      my two best friends are not on FB and they do not have children. I know deep down they wish they had a family too. They are two of the most loyal and genuine people I know.

      life has not ended for you and each day you awake, you have the power to make your life better. Believe that. 

    • #54907
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks for your comment and suport.

    • #54908
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      nothing to add. still going fine.

    • #54909
      i-did-it
      參與者

      Fine is brilliant.
      Fine is what we all want!
      Fine is enough!
      Well done DE

    • #54910
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks IDI for your post,

      today is the 21st day 3 weeks passed so far I am doing well. i am training again, taking care of my diet, looking to the small details that I was completely ignoring during that unstable period from Jan to the beginning of May.

      Just few thoughts on how to grow financially and yes I still have that circuit in my brain that gives trading Forex as an answer to this question but it is getting rejected immediately by the rational part of my brain.

      i hope that the rational part will continue to win on every battle of this war.

    • #54911
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      so far so good,
      today i received my salary, I have distributed it immediately to avoid the temptations, paid all my bills, sent the extra money to my protected account, and kept only what I need for this month.
      I am safe for another month.
      no extra money on hand = no temptations.

    • #54912
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      After a six GF months I relapsed on the beginning of January, since then I have relapsed many times, my maximum GF period since Jan was 33 days today i have crossed this limit. and i can see that i am safe for the next 1 or 2 months, I hope this will continue.

      I am totally focused on my work, my life and I am changing to the better.

    • #68258
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks for your comment

    • #68269
      kathryn
      參與者

      I just read your thread….well done on your gamble feee time.
      nThe beauty of working recovery is that while your not gambling your mind can start thinking about other things. Eventually the gambling thoughts become less and less and ‘normal’ thoughts take over. Keep working hard, I know it’s not easy but it is so worth it. Forget about the past you have a whole life in front of you, don’t let this addiction take it from you. You deserve every happiness and a gamble free life!
      nTake care, love K x

    • #68280
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      totaly agree, today is the 40th day, 

      I have started a diet to lose what I have gained during 4 months of relapse ( from Jan to May). i gain 14 kg, part of it for the lockdown but the addiction played a big part as well. I have lost 5.5 Kg in 22 days, I need another 8 to 12 weeks to back to where I was. 

      I am preparing for a certificate that will help me to improve my career ( i was planning to take this certificate from 6 years back but again the addiction + procrastination ) delayed it. I have started preparing for it 3 weeks back hopefully by next month i will be ready to take the exam.

      today I went shopping since the malls are open again after the lockdown, I spent a lot on things that now I see it more important, I have started to take care of the details, I am alife again.

      life is getting better.

      the momentum is very strong this time I can see I will get to the 60 and 90 days GF easily.

    • #68805
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I have a question for anyone who overcomes this addiction and stayed sober for years.
      nHow you are dealing with money after the first period “say after a year of being GF” ???
      ncurrently, I am just saving money on a saving account, I am finding keeping this cash will trigger a temptation to gambling, and thinking about investing is also an activity that could trigger my trading addiction again. frankly, I am feeling afraid of money.
      n
      nI am still in my thirties and I have an ambition of opening my own business and ambition of financial freedom. but I am afraid that dealing with money, trading, investing could pull me back to the addiction.
      nany ideas on how to deal with money in a safe way?

    • #68816
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      It seems there is a disagreement on is it oK for the problem gambler to invest,
      nI found a small handbook “Problem Gamblers and Their Finances – A Guide for Treatment Professionals”
      nI encourage you all to read it, it is a bit old 20 years ago or so but still valid even for my type of trading addiction.
      n
      n
      nI am quoting from the 43rd page :
      n”Pros and Cons of the Gambler as ‘Investor’:
      nBecause of the financial risk, the addictive nature,
      nand the easy access to markets these days, some
      nexperts believe problem gamblers should never
      ninvest. They view the stock market as a breeding
      nground for problem gambling and the New York
      nStock Exchange and the NASDAQ as the largest
      ncasinos in the world.
      nOther gambling experts, and most financial
      nadvisors, disagree. They argue that investing, like
      nsaving for a vacation or a car, gives gamblers a
      npositive focus for their money. It teaches them to
      nonce again “value” money. Perhaps more important,
      nthey argue, investing has become a financial
      nnecessity for most households today—gambling
      nhouseholds included. Achieving such goals as a
      ncomfortable retirement, sending children to college,
      nstarting a business, or meeting other major financial
      ngoals usually can be accomplished realistically only
      nthrough a sound investment program.
      nA person doesn’t stop eating just because they
      nhave an eating disorder, and gamblers shouldn’t
      nstop investing just because they are addicted to risk.
      nMost problem gamblers who have abstained from
      ngambling for a while, and who ideally are in recovery
      nprograms, should be able to invest as long as the
      ninvesting program is reasonable, argue proponents.”
      n
      nI am leaning toward the optimistic side where I can invest if it is done in a reasonable way. but keeping in mind all the risks involved with it.
      n

    • #68849
      Enough808
      參與者

      Hi DE, I found your posts interesting as I hadn’t really thought of trading stocks as a gambling addiction. I suppose it is the same as placing a bet except the likelihood of you losing 100% of the investment are slim? Unless the markets fluctuate so drastically and you are unlucky to have invested at that time.
      n
      nIf trading is your addiction, is it reasonable to get back into it? That would be like another gambler who is addicted to slot machines thinking that they should be ok if they play blackjack.

    • #68921
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      yes, trading is a form of gambling especially intraday trading and scalping. and if you add high leverage to the mix you have a perfect form of gambling.
      nthe irony is I didn’t realize that I am gambling until I consulted an online psychologist. that was after 2 or 3 years from trading.
      n
      nif it was clear gambling I could have not gone that far, I could have treated it with a lot of caution, or I could have never tried it. because I knew that gambling is wrong and I should not do it. but the intraday trading with leverage comes with a convincing cover “trading”.
      n
      na few days ago I read the book “the new market wizards” by Jack Schwager.
      nhe interviewed top traders to see why they are the best. what strikes me is that those guys are addicts they are gambling and they even don’t know that. I can easily see it from their words from the continuous monitoring for the market one of them have a screen in every corner of his room even inside the bathroom as the author reported, for many of them when they were speaking with him the author noticed that they are keeping an eye on the charts.
      n

    • #68979
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1 again.
      nhere we go again, 2 days of depression, few days to complete the delayed work, a week to start going to GYM again, and 20 days or so to ***** my self as a functional human being again,
      nthen it is a matter of time before the next relapse.
      nI need to do something different this time I am fed up from these relapses.

    • #68981
      Rdy4Chng
      參與者

      I hear you. I am fed up too. 

      Hoping you and I can find the strength to not gamble and defeat this demon.

    • #68983
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks for your support, I hope this relapse will be the last for both of us. 

      thinking from an optimistic point of view, my rock-bottom starts to be at a higher level than before, you can say I am in an uptrend. the highs are getting higher and the lows are getting higher as well. I can see that I will recover but I don’t want this to be after 10 years.

      this the 4th year since I hit my deepest rock-bottom, if I compare my situation now with that I can consider my self in a good shape but once I add to the equation that I am 4 years older than that time and the thing that I could accept 4 years back I can’t accept now it makes me depressed again it wipes out all the optimistic part.

      it is very clear to me THE DRUG IS THE MONEY I should not keep access to it how I don’t know, I am not married, I am living in a different country than my family so I don’t have someone who I can trust to give him the control over my money, and the worst thing I am still hiding my addiction from my family. 

      I am giving a lot of thought to what I can do this time to make it really the last relapse and it strikes me that I knew what I can do but I am not going to do it. I know that if I let my family know that I am an addict this will give me the required support to overcome this addiction but I am not going to do that I know this will break them.

      lately, I start thinking to buy things to protect the money like buying a fancy car I know it will depreciate in value but I will not lose it in a few hours.

      or home anything but cash. as I am progressing in recovery I reached to a point where I will stop once the cash runs out, I am not going far anymore” i.e. selling stuff to feed my addiction as what happens in the first stage”.

      I think this is the weak part of my recovery plan.

    • #68988
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I get used to this, nothing new… still depressed. it is just the 3rd day I know the depression will fade after a few days.
      n

    • #68995
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      feeling better, start enjoying the small things that real-life gives.

    • #68999
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      no thoughts at all regarding the trading I didn’t check the charts for the last 5 days,
      ntoday was a very stressful day at work but I handled it really well and I am going back to the home now and still feeling fresh and happy.
      nlife is much easier without gambling, I am focused and having plenty of time to do whatever I want.
      n
      n
      n

    • #69004
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#6

    • #69010
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#7

    • #69079
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day# Zero again.
      n
      nI have really nothing to say, so depressed and shameful from what I did.
      n
      nfeeling hopeless, feeling like I am losing the war. 4 years since I hit my lowest rock bottom but today I hit another rock bottom it is at a higher level but it feels worst than before.
      nI hit this rock bottom after a 4 F** years of resisting this addiction 4 years of a financial recovery, 4 years of trial and error.
      n
      nI know I am depressed today and a few days later I will be better but what is the point? the ship will eventually sink no matter what I did or what I will do.

    • #69080
      Amber_Disfordone
      參與者

      Hi. I know you’re probably feeling hopeless right now. We’ve all been there that is why we’re here. In my opinion the only hopeless point we have is when we give up on trying to obtain the hope that a gamble free life offers. I only have 8 days since my last bet, but I have hope because I’m trying something different this time. I have tried to quit on my own in the past and have never been successful. Have you visited any of the gamblers in recovery zoom meetings? You  might want to check it out. I wish you hope and happiness

    • #69091
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I will attend more GA zoom meetings as you suggested. congrats for your 8 days GF.

    • #69093
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      a bit better, I have done the usual things “closed my trading account”, cut my debit card, asked for replacement once I receive it I will scratch the 3 numbers on the back so I will not be able to use it online”
      n
      nwill see how it will go this time.

    • #69095
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks kin for your support, hope you all the best.

    • #69103
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      yesterday I have attended my first GA meeting on zoom.
      nI have different feelings about it but in general, it is helpful, I appreciate the good well behind it and the welcoming environment and the and supportive attitude from all the participants.
      n

    • #69107
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      for the last 3 days, I was avoiding checking what is my current financial condition to avoid any additional bad feeling since I guess I need another one year to back to where I was in December 2019. I was negative in December but I was close to reaching Zero which is my dream for the last 4 years “to recover from the debt that my gambling addiction caused”.
      ntoday I have checked my current situation and as expected I need another year to reach zero.
      nI am writing all of this just to say I am depressed not because of the debt, I am depressed from the thoughts that start raise in my head while I am planning how to squeeze my budget to save more and expedite the recovery, I found myself thinking about a strategy to trade forex in a better way, I have started thinking what went wrong in my last trades and how I can correct that !!!!!!!! the same delusions that trading with margin could be the solution to my problem !!!
      nit seems I will never learn…..
      n
      nthere is a damaged circuit in my brain that gives trading forex as an answer to the question of ” how I can speed up my financial recovery ?”.
      n

    • #69108
      Amber_Disfordone
      參與者

      At least you’re acknowledging that if is your old sick way of thinking. So you have a chance to change it. One year will go by much quicker than a lifetime of misery in gambling. Have a blessed and gamble free day! 

    • #69117
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5

    • #69120
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#6

    • #69124
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#7, I am getting better every day.
      n

    • #69126
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#8

    • #69134
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#9

    • #69137
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      nothing really to add, Just living normal life. I like it I don’t need any get rich fast plans, I don’t need to do a high risk trades or to trade at all, I don’t need to waste more time. Just I wanna live a normal life, this is my new dream.

    • #69144
      Rdy4Chng
      參與者

      I love the idea of a normal life.

      Who could have guessed years ago that we would wish for nothing but normal?

    • #69150
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#11

    • #69160
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#12

    • #69170
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#13

    • #69174
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#15

    • #69179
      Rdy4Chng
      參與者

      Congrats! Keep it up!

    • #69180
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#16

    • #69186
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#17

    • #69191
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#18.

    • #69202
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Well, another day passed, I am getting better but damn I am getting depressed from the silliest things, I think I am so vulnerable at this stage of recovery.

    • #69208
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#20

    • #69211
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#21

    • #69215
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#22

    • #69223
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#23

    • #69237
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      it is going well so far, no temptations to gamble, it seems for the first time I am totally convinced there is no way to trade forex and win because it is a gambling activity. I glad that I lost this hope.
      nkeeping this hope “the hope that I can figure out how to trade successfully” was the main reason for my relapses.
      n
      nI am not trying anymore to find a solution because there is no solution, it is a gambling activity and will never lead to any good result.
      n
      nIt seems this is it, I have reached the point where there is no return. I have been trying for 3 or 4 years with many relapsed but I never reach this state of mind.
      nbut Could it be that easy?
      n
      n

    • #69242
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#25

    • #69248
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      day#26

    • #69250
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#27

    • #69254
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#28, almost one month, good progress yes but I am feeling depressed this week was the worst, usually, as time passes I get better and more active but I don’t know what is the issue this time. I am feeling more depressed.
      n
      n
      n

    • #69255
      i’m_free
      參與者

      Sorry you are feeling depressed.  It seems that recovery does not take away depression but gambling adds to it.  What do you think?  Free

    • #69256
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I think addiction is a symptom of a deeper issue.

      there is a series of activities that occurs before you place the first bet, some of them are immediately before.., some of them are distant… far away back in the chain of events, and when you make a bet you will get a dopamine rush and that makes the brain circuit for the action before it grows and makes it hard to stop because you need to get that dopamine rush again. I may have resolved the immediate activities part by road blockers and self “cognitive therapy” but the distant cause I have to figure out and overcome.

      this time I am dealing with the gambling consequences without the hope that I could figure out how to trade in a safe way.

      to the irony, this hope was helpful to regulate my mood, but it was the reason why I have relapsed.

      so now I am facing the reality as it is.  which is tough after years of addiction.

      as I posted here before my new dream is just to live a normal life. 

    • #69257
      i’m_free
      參與者

      well said. Thx. for sharing.  Free

    • #69258
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#29

    • #69261
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#30, well the first month is completed, I have done that before but this time should be different.
      n
      nlooking forward to the 6 months mark.
      n
      n

    • #69263
      astrofly21
      參與者

      Congratulations on making it to this mark. This time will be different just like you said!

    • #69264
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks astrofly21 for your support.

    • #69265
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      a bit better, I am motivated and I have completed some good tasks. it seems I have to take my life one day at a time not only the addiction part of it.
      nYesterday I joined the GYM again, and start dieting again.
      nlife is smiling to me today 🙂
      n

    • #69268
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#32

    • #69270
      G Rec
      參與者

      Nice Work completing the 30 days mark, and onwards from here. It is good to hear you are motivated and have completed some good tasks. 

      The GYM and dieting will also hopefully be an added help for you, I have found getting back to exercising as a great go-to activity for keeping busy, and also helps improve how I feel and my overall mood. 

    • #69276
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks G Rec, 

      “also helps improve how I feel and my overall mood. “

      totally agree it really gives me a good feeling and gives me motivation.

      thanks for your support hope you all the best.

    • #69277
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#33

    • #69286
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#34

    • #69289
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#35

    • #69292
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#36

    • #69293
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#37

    • #69299
      maverick.
      參與者

      Congratulations on 37 days gamble free this is a fantastic achievement, really happy you are taking it one day at a time and just focusing on everyday its the only way.
      n
      nDon’t rush in paying off debts, what I mean by that is if you stretch yourself to much each month you can get tempted back to old ways to make the payments promised, pay what you know you can afford and be sure to leave yourself money to live (please don’t take this as interfering just from personal experiance)
      n
      nTake care and really happy things are going well for you, all my very best.
      n

    • #69312
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks maverick for your support.

      hope you all the best.

    • #69313
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#38,
      nfeeling down a bit, I know this is life, and u have to live it with its ups and downs. but I am feeling that I am very fragile at this stage my mood is pulled down from the smallest things that should not bother me at all.
      nI have to force myself to remember that I am in recovery and I am a gambling addict to reduce self-criticism.
      nI shouldn’t compare myself with my peers or with what I could have been if I didn’t take the gambling path.

    • #69315
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#39

    • #69320
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#40

    • #69324
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thank you for your support.

      yes indeed gambling made our life worst, life is hard enough without gambling.

      hope you all the best.

    • #69325
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#41

    • #69327
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#42

    • #70913
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#43
      n

    • #70917
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#44
      n

    • #70919
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#45

    • #70921
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#46

    • #70931
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#47

    • #70936
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#48

    • #70992
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#50,
      I am glad to reach the 50 days mark. for the last 11 months I failed to cross the 40 days mark.
      life is smiling to me again.

    • #72749
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#51,

      still didn’t get used to this new update on the forum.
      frankly, I like the old version.

    • #72767
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#52

    • #73249
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#53

      Today was my payday so I had this foolish idea to deposit only the extra amount that left from the salary after paying all the bills and after putting aside my monthly expenses. and to trade only for today and stop.
      what saved me is the thought that “it is all about the first bet ” it is easier to resist placing that first bet if you compare it with trying to stop after placing it.
      I get rid of this extra money and now I am safe for another month.
      but damn, I am really afraid of keeping any extra money with me.

    • #73268
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#54

    • #73281
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thank you kin for your support.
      totally agree with what you said, for us, the drug is money keeping that extra money is like keeping a drink in front of an alcohol addict.
      you can’t keep alcohol in front of an alcohol addict and ask him to not drink. he can resist for a while but the bell will continue ringing in his head (drink it, drink it …until he fails).

      but damn you can avoid dealing with alcohol but you can’t avoid dealing with money.

      Day#55

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 3 years, 4 months 前 修改。
    • #73488
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#56

    • #73498
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#58
      yesterday I had a small slip, I didn’t lose any money, just I have wasted one day in trading pulled out my original amount, and lost what I have won in the morning.
      a review of what happened.
      1: frankly I saw this coming, for the past 5 days I was tempted daily to put a small amount of money and trade for one day “with the foolish hope that I will double it, and if I stop after one day nothing will happen”.
      2: I have resisted the temptations for 4 days but on the 5th I fail. even sending the extra money from my salary away didn’t protect me “the brain circuit for trading was triggered”.
      3:so yesterday I squeezed my budget more and opened my account again” the verification didn’t take more than 30 min” and deposited that extra money.
      4:I did some high-risk trades win pulled my original capital and left what I won to trade more.
      5: I didn’t stop as planned ” as usual”. and for some reason, I didn’t want to pull this money out, frankly I wanted to lose it, if I won I will repeat this again but now it is over.
      6: hangover: it just one day and I didn’t lose money but I am having the gambling hangover feeling today. I have the feeling like I was trading for a few weeks with all the tension and pressure that comes with it.

      well, that’s it, it was a long day I am not gonna start the count from zero because I didn’t lose any money and I am feeling I already got a new push for recovery.

      • #73499
        Meghna83
        參與者

        For me gambling means day one whether I accept it or not.

        I have the chemical imbalance in the brain when I gamble so it is day 1 to clear that

        Rigorous honesty is key in recovery

    • #73507
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#59.
      I diss agree with you Meghna I don’t feel like day#2 I am not sad, depressed ..etc like what I used to feel after each relapse. I really feel like day#59.

    • #73991
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      well, I have to admit it again it is Day#1.
      I didn’t lose money, in fact, I gain some but it was a stressful week.
      Meghna wrote up I should start from day#1 she was right. I can’t keep the count, my mental state has been changed for a week as of now.

      the long story :
      I didn’t stop, by the 3rd day I was in 800$ loss, I decided I have to stop I sent an email to the broker requesting them to do a self-exclusion for me. frankly, they don’t know how to do it they don’t have this option in brokerage accounts, however, they reply we will send your request to the concerned division and get back to you.
      in the day after, I have continued trading managed to put some amount in my account and I did a good trade on the gold that covered my losses, I have continued trading as a total I was in profit of 900$. the correct action is to pull everything out and wait for their response, but I am a gambler so what I did is pulled all my original capital plus some winnings and kept the 500$ to trade with. in the middle of the day I tried to open some trades but the app was not accepting them I checked my email and figured out that they have blocked my trading accounts and requests me to withdraw the money so they can close all my accounts permanently.
      I felt with great relief, it is over now. I have a good win and no way to trade again.

      but and always there is a “but ” from their email I figured out they have blocked the active account and they are waiting for me to withdraw the money to close the wallet so … maybe I could be able to open a new account and to transfer the money to it and continue trading for one more day because I was seeing a good move on gold, and yes it works, and it ends up losing the money that I kept on the trading account.

      well, it over now, no money to be withdrawn, so I have sent them an email to continue the process of putting me in self-exclusion I hope they can do it.

    • #73994
      sunny
      參與者

      Hi Dark Energy.

      Keep going at it. Dont give up! Stay strong, motivated and keep posting! 🙂

      Sunny

    • #73997
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks sunny,

      Day#2

    • #74010
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#3

    • #74220
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#4

    • #74451
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5, and the 70th since the last gambling loss.
      I have convinced my broker to exclude me and prevent me permanently from opening an account with them. they confirmed that and they said now I can’t open an account with them again.
      I hope they are honest and they have done something irrevokable in their system, but frankly, I have doubts about that but I am not gonna test it.

    • #74466
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#6,

    • #74529
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      in a previous post I wrote on 23 August 2020, regarding can a gambler invest? I quoted the below and I was with the optimistic side but now I have changed my mind on this subject.

      ” Pros and Cons of the Gambler as “Investor”:
      Because of the financial risk, the addictive nature, and the easy access to markets these days, some experts believe problem gamblers should never invest. They view the stock market as a breeding ground for problem gambling and the New York Stock Exchange and the NASDAQ as the largest casinos in the world.
      Other gambling experts, and most financial advisors, disagree. They argue that investing, like saving for a vacation or a car, gives gamblers a positive focus for their money. It teaches them to once again value money. Perhaps more important, they argue, investing has become a financial necessity for most households today gambling
      households included. Achieving such goals as a comfortable retirement, sending children to college, starting a business, or meeting other major financial goals usually can be accomplished realistically only through a sound investment program.
      A person doesn’t stop eating just because they have an eating disorder, and gamblers shouldn’t stop investing just because they are addicted to risk.
      Most problem gamblers who have abstained from gambling for a while, and who ideally are in recovery programs, should be able to invest as long as the investing program is reasonable, argue proponents.”

      I believe now I am with the group that says gamblers should not invest.
      my last relapse caused by converting a small amount of money to bitcoin as another way of saving, and I was decided to put a certain amount of 10% of my salary each month on cryptocurrencies as I believe it is the future, however, the gambler part kicks in and I started switching between cryptocurrencies to chase the small profit. this lead to the transfer of the amount from my crypto wallet to my brokerage account where I have relapsed. but it seems I have relapsed in the day when I decided to invest in crypto.
      now after a few months from that post, I agree with the group who says the gambler should not invest since it will trigger his addiction.

      day#10

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 3 years, 4 months 前 修改。
      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 3 years, 4 months 前 修改。
    • #74840
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thank you, Kin for your support.
      I have start journaling in this forum 18 months ago, I have really progressed mentally. it is a process of trial and error, it is very personal what can work for me may not work for others.

      Day#16 since the last bet, and Day#81 since the last gambling loss.

    • #75175
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      hi kin,
      thank you for check on me.
      Everything is fine it’s the 29th Day since the last bet and the 94th-day since the last gambling loss.
      just busy in life. it is much better without gambling.
      I hope you are doing well too, we have been struggling with this addiction I guess it is time to have a real long abstinence period.

      I watched some youtube lectures for neuroscientists and what I understand is after a one-year GF the brain will recover and if you cross the first year it is most likely you will continue without relapse. so I am looking forward to the one-year target it is a long time but I will do it this time.
      hope you all the best

    • #75380
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      the 40th day since the last bet, and the 105th day since the last gambling loss.
      I can say it is out of my mind now, I don’t think about it. no urges, no regrets nothing… peace of mind.

    • #75576
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Kin,
      thanks for checking on me, I was busy in life I didn’t visit the forum for a while.
      so far I am OK. no gambling addiction, no thoughts at all regarding Forex trading.
      today is the 51st day since the last bet and the 116th day since the last gambling loss.

      life is getting better financially and in other aspects. as long as I am away from gambling then it is just a one-way street for a worth living life.

      I hope you are doing well and all the members in here, I will keep visiting the site to stay grounded and to remember that I am a gambler. and the dormant addiction circuit in my mind could be activated at any time.

    • #76303
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Here we go again!!
      a few days back I was watching the movie CRISIS it is about a new drug that has no addictive side effect… however in the movie, there was a scene where scientist are showing the result of their experiments to their manager where all the rats under the experiment died out except one rat didn’t die yet, still alive licking from a small tube that contains the addicted substance. the rats didn’t stop licking that tube they continuously licked it and ignored everything including eating until they died.

      somehow I can’t forget this scene, it pops up in my mind a few times a day. it is not new information I have seen similar things before but during watching this movie I was exactly doing what that rat was doing. I was day trading cryptocurrencies with high leverage. I was so obsessed with this activity to a degree where I have ignored everything in my life exactly like that rat.

      day#1 again, I don’t feel really bad because I didn’t lose money in fact I gained some but the feeling that I have no control is unbearable.
      we are living in a world where money and knowing how to handle it ( saving, investment ….etc) have a huge impact on your progress in life.
      and losing the trust that you can handle the money is unbearable.

      that’s it for now, I have to sleep early today to recover from the lack of sleep ” I was like that rat for 3 weeks”

    • #76361
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      It is day#4. Planning ahead for the next few months and looking back to see what went wrong and how to avoid it next time.
      looking back on this bloody road of recovery, I can’t say there is no progress but I can say the progress that I have done is depressing. I have tried many ways from willpower, cognitive thinking, road blockers …etc it works somehow but always my demons find a way to break through and gambles again. This time I have switched to crypto trading I couldn’t resist the temptations it is everywhere on the internet in the office, everywhere I go is someone will open the crypto subject, it is a mania .. a bubble and I know that but the day trader in me couldn’t resist the temptation to day trade this clear bull market. I have started with a small amount and small leverage 1:3 to maximize my profits then as usual the gambler kicks in and the leverage moves to the maximum of 1:50 and what started as a trade ends up as gambling with all the bad package that comes with it from ignoring every aspect of my life.. my mind was only thinking about trading watching the market 24/7 forcing orders …..etc.

      The key element in recovery is the financial aspect, after paying the gambling debts, how you will progress financially? with the money, the temptation will increase so how to deal with it?
      I am single living alone, my family in a different country so the option of handing over the financial control to someone else is not available.
      to the irony, I think I should get married not for marriage but to give financial control to the future wife (I guess she should hold a degree in accounting).
      I can’t find a way to solve the financial part without handing over the control to someone else.
      if anyone has an idea please tell me, this is the main factor in my relapse.

    • #76368
      G Rec
      參與者

      Hi darkenergy01,

      If handing over financial control to someone else is not available, you may find it helpful to increase your accountability by giving someone else full visibility over your finances while you retain access to them.

      You will need someone you have trust in for this such as a family member or close friend that you have also shared details of your gambling problem with, but geographic location should not really be an issue.

      Some examples of ways in which you could do this. 1) Provide the trusted person with logon details for your online bank where they can regularly check to ensure no gambling transactions have taken place. 2) Send a bank statement periodically to the person 3) Open a shared vault in Revolut for your funds (you can give the other person funding only rights if you wish so they cannot withdraw), the other person will then get a notification anytime you withdraw from that vault.

      As a complement to the above, you could also keep a shared budget sheet where you document all of your transactions and what any outgoing expenses have been for.

      The above won’t prevent you from gambling, but adding as much accountability that you can may be added motivation to be gamble free.

    • #76447
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi G Rec,
      thanks for your reply, I have tried the accountability approach but unfortunately didn’t work with me.
      I am not open about my addiction, I really feel ashamed to inform anyone about it.. I guess this is one of the reasons for my relapse. I will be ready to tell someone about it once I become financially strong again. but now I prefer to die and not tell anyone about it.
      I am fighting this addiction alone. I know it is hard, but I have progressed somehow.

      I am thinking to add an additional step like having a one-to-one session with an online therapist. is it helpful? Does anyone try such a thing? is there any added value?.

    • #76448
      G Rec
      參與者

      Hi, darkenergy,

      You mentioned that you are fighting this addiction alone, but that doesn’t need to be the case. Even if you do not feel ready to speak to someone you know about everything, there are plenty of support options and groups including the groups on here, Gamblers Anaonymous, or a group that I have found extremely useful – SMART (focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy for any addictions).

      If you haven’t done so already, I would recommend at least trying out one or more of those meetings, they all take place online, are free and if you don’t feel like speaking, you can just listen.

      Regarding the online therapist, I have heard others say positive things about one on one therapy, but I personally have not had any sessions so I cannot directly speak to that.

    • #76828
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1 again.
      really nothing to say.. just can’t do it alone… I have tried and tried but no it is not working…I have to inform a family member and give him control.. this is the challenge now otherwise it is the same cycle. relapse “lose everything you have” –> then stop and get recover financially –>then money comes and the temptation start–> then relapse again.
      the cycle will never end unless someone takes financial control.

    • #76835
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I am having strong withdrawal symptoms this time…damn.. it is like I was in a coma and just wakeup to face up all my demons. I am realizing how fucked up my life… but damn it was the same yesterday and the day before why all these damn thoughts now!!!
      every mistake I have made, every weak point in my life is popping up in my mind, the marriage, the financial growth, the job opportunities that I missed…I have destroyed myself.
      I could have lived a much better life.

      • #76836
        jaymay22
        參與者

        hello! I have had many relapses in the past and I just had another relapse 4 months ago. I just started this new process yesterday and I read most of your journey and I have to commend you for the honesty and effort. I just want to say that it’s not the end of the world. don’t lose hope and give up. I will be trying out new strategies to cope with this addiction in the coming days. I think the first step is to be honest with myself. I realized some thing after writing my first here. the only person being hurt financially is me myself, not any one else. I have also decided that I would reward myself with a gift after every 4 weeks from now on. We all deal with issues differently. I hope you will find some thing that will work for you. I used to go to gym, watch movies in theater, being social with friends, play snooker, play chess and so many other activities. I lost interest in most of these activities in the last 4 months. I am going to try and add some of these activities back into my routine. I think lockdowns around the world due to pandemic have greatly affected a lot of former gamblers but we need to wire our brains in a certain way that we don’t think about short-cut easy money any more. I started my new road from yesterday. let’s do it together. I will be honest with my journey and I hope you can give yourself another chance

    • #76855
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks jaymay22.

      you wrote, “we need to wire our brains in a certain way that we don’t think about short-cut easy money anymore.” I think this what keeps me hooked, a false hope that I can fix my life by gambling, it is a distraction, illusion, and temporary pain relief it gives you the feeling that you are solving your problem but it makes it worst. it keeps you away from facing the real issues.

      Day#2. still depressed, I hope I will back to normal shortly. “usually it takes 1 to 2 weeks”.

    • #76885
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I have closed the crypto trading account… feeling better…I was tempted to put another small amount to trade crypto.. I have resisted it twice in the morning… now I have closed the trading account the temptation reduced and I am feeling better.

      it is really a small step… I know… and I did it before… I know that too… but somehow I am feeling better … I am feeling that I won this battle…. this was enough to make me smile again… it is worth celebrating.
      if I can’t win this damn war .. at least I can celebrate the battles that I will win.

    • #76887
      hopelessdegen
      參與者

      I relate to your story. It’s day 4 for me too (for about the 1000th time) and hard for me to imagine long-term sobriety even though I know how good my life would be. Anyway, thought I’d share that you’re not alone. The fact that you’ve made it 6 months in a stretch makes me think it’s possible for someone else in my shoes.

    • #76921
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks hopelessdegen for your support.
      today is the 3rd Day. I have resisted the temptation few times today, feeling a bit better, but I have read my previous posts here, and depressed me… I have been in this situation many times … I hope this time is different… even that sentence I have written it many times before.. fuck this not gonna end.
      it is the same damn movie again and again. I hope this time movie will be longer than the previous times. the last few times it was played at 10x speed.

    • #76958
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#4,
      I am getting better, resisted the temptations twice today. they say “for a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail”. to the irony, it seems for all the problems in my life my brain is giving me the same solution “gambling”.

      for the first 3 days, the problem was I need to recover my losses and my brain solution was ” to gamble”. so I was tempted to gamble but I resisted the temptations.
      today I have another problem, I am not feeling well today, so I am not leaving the home. ..so what to do with this free time at home?? again my brain gives me the bad answer “what about gambling”, I resisted it today as well.

      it is a tough addiction,

      hope you all the best in your recovery.

    • #76977
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5,
      I have nothing to say today, just a normal day free of gambling.

    • #76987
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#6,
      no gambling urges, but there are urges to invest. I know if the investment is under my control eventually it will lead to relapse (day trading with leverage) so it is eighter to invest and give the control on this investment to a family member or to not invest at all. I will not do the same mistake again.

      On the other hand, today was a good day at work I was focused and productive “I have a lot of things to do to cover what I have messed with because of gambling”,

      also, I have start dieting again, I gained a lot of weight during these relapses. and planning to start gym from tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

      in general, the recovery looks fine, with small progressive steps every day. I hope it will accumulate to good progress by the end of the 1st 100 days.

    • #77122
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I am done. I can’t find the way out, I have relapsed again, and again I have start day#0 in a worse condition than the previous day#0
      damn, I hate my self I wish if I have the courage to do it… I have almost recovered from the gambling debt a year and a half ago, and now I am piling it again… I have lost in few days what was equal to 3 months’ salary. it is a new rock bottom in a bottomless addiction. it is a repeated cycle and I can’t find the way out.

    • #77127
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I am feeling like Sisyphus, I am pushing that rock up a hill only for it to roll down every time it neared the top but at least I have a way out.
      I have no hopes this time, it is a hard and meaningless life without this addiction and the addiction makes it worst.
      I don’t like to write any suicidal thoughts here but this time I have them. every time I have these thoughts I remember a part of Darwish’s poem and I think I am translating it badly :
      “And I so cherish life
      Because if I died
      My mother’s tears would shame me.”
      I am feeling I am ready to go but I can’t do it because I am ashamed of the feeling of those who love me.

    • #77128
      joerdj
      參與者

      “I have no hopes this time, it is a hard and meaningless life without this addiction and the addiction makes it worst.”

      Why is life meaningless? Maybe you look at it the wrong way. From 12 rules for life: “Perhaps happiness is always to be found in the journey uphill, and not in the fleeting sense of satisfaction awaiting at the next peak”

      Find out what journey uphill will give you a sense of meaning. Maybe the continual improvement of the individual? When you find your purpose suddenly life isn’t meaningless anymore.

      One rule from twelve rules for life really improved my life within seconds of using it: Rule 8: Tell The Truth – Or At Least Don’t Lie

      “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” Friedrich Nietzsche.

      • 該回覆由 joerdj 於 3 years 前 修改。
    • #77130
      charles
      版主

      Hi Darkenergy,

      Remember that poem. To alo quote something I have heard here – suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There is a lot of life and recovery after gambling.

      This site can help you with stopping gambling. Lots of other support out there that does the same – other sites, Gamblers Anonymous and more. If you connect to the groups or the Helpline here you can get lots of support.

      For the thoughts you have been having there is also support and always somone you can talk to. Here is a link to some of that support. https://www.befrienders.org/

      Keep posting, you can’t change what’s happened, you can’t change yopur last bet. You can start taking the positive actions that will make your next one less likely.

      Keep posting.

    • #77135
      sunny
      參與者

      Hi Darkenergy,

      It sadden me to see you have such thoughs and giving up as the darkenergy as the posting from you and i believe you will not give up as you know what is right and that why you are here in this GT forum.

      I read recently, ” relapsed is part of recovery” , so Darkenergry all people doesnt make it right or correct in our lives in everything we do , be it work or anything. We will need multiple attempts and improvement. And with hard work and not giving up. I believe we can do it.

      There is many people around that care about you and support you. I hope to see you continue posting and fighting together with us to overcome this addiction. We can do it.

      Sunny

      • 該回覆由 sunny 於 3 years 前 修改。
    • #77154
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Joerdj,
      You wondered why life is meaningless. What is the meaning of popping up into existence just for the one to live “suffer” for few years and then vanish forever!!! it is meaningless.
      I am an atheist so no heaven or hell no after life, sometimes I think of how wonderful this life is, yes I can try to find some meaning that can keep things rolling to the end, but deep down it is meaningless. I like what Woody Allen said about that:
      “I have tried religion I have tried philosophy but in the end what we got is a bad deal and all you can do about it is to distract yourself…the distraction could be work, family …etc”
      Finally, I will find a distraction and keep things moving.

      Hi charles,
      Thanks for your support, what really hearts me this time is I back to square zero again, I am not the same person who started this recovery journey 4 years ago, for instance, I am four years older now, I have relapsed many times. And I am deep in debt again. I have to struggle for another 3 years to start living a normal life again. and then what? another relapse!!!
      These suicidal thoughts were just temporary and I get rid of them.
      it is a painful situation. I can find some hope but deep down I am frightened from another relapse.

      Hi Sunny,
      It was a down moment, a hangover from the relapse, what matters now is to prevent it from happening again.
      I started the usual steps again cutting cards, closing accounts..etc I will see how I can do it differently this time because as you can tell it is not going well so far.

      Hi Kin,
      You asked ”
      have you listen to the advice and do all the things possible that will stop you or cut you off from gambling totally?:
      My answer is I did it partially but it seems it is not working, what is hard for me is to inform a family member or a friend about my addiction. I know it is a big part of recovery but for me, it is very hard to do so.

    • #77155
      joerdj
      參與者

      You wondered why life is meaningless. What is the meaning of popping up into existence just for the one to live “suffer” for few years and then vanish forever!!! it is meaningless.
      I am an atheist so no heaven or hell no after life, sometimes I think of how wonderful this life is, yes I can try to find some meaning that can keep things rolling to the end, but deep down it is meaningless.

      Well, let say life is inherently suffering and meaningless. Ask yourself then: Why would I make the suffering worse by my own actions?

      I also don’t believe in God or an afterlife for that matter. What I do believe is that is better to act as if a god exists.
      That puts me in the spot right in the middle where I have 1 leg in the Order (that which I know) and Chaos (that what I don’t know)

      Personally, I don’t think life is meaningless. Everything you do or don’t do will affect the people around you. You are a node in a network of people. You know 100 people over the course of your life, they know 100 people. That’s 1 person away from a million. That instantly makes all your actions matter

      IMO meaning is to be found in the continual improvement of the individual. You have the potential to be so much more than what you are now.

      The search for where your potential end will last you a lifetime.

    • #77156
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      hi Jordj,
      I am on my 1st Day of recovery and I really don’t need to enter an argument about GOD, the existence, and the meaning of life on my first day.
      from your writing, it seems Jordan Peterson had an impact on you,
      it doesn’t matter how many connections you have or what impact you had on others it is just a distraction that keeps you moving on in life.
      again I quote Woody Allen:
      “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

      You wrote
      “I also don’t believe in God or an afterlife for that matter. What I do believe is that is better to act as if a god exists.”
      No, it is not, what is important is the truth either he exists or not, no need to create an imaginary superpower that intervenes in your favor or against it, no need to wait for the solutions from above. we are on our own.

    • #77157
      joerdj
      參與者

      It’s not an argument it’s my personal preference. I just told you a story that helped me. In no way I’m trying to have an argument about the meaning of life.
      You told your idea about life (or a shared one), I told mine (or a shared one).

      I must say I was an atheist and a nihilist at first. All that gave me was suffering and despair.

      I wish you all the best on your Journey.

      “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

      To quote a line from a song of Avenged Sevenfold: “Life wouldn’t be so precious dear if there never was an end”

    • #77164
      sunny
      參與者

      Hi Energy,

      Dont give up no matter what. Keep going and soon things will get better and better.

      Sunny

    • #77171
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#2,
      depressed as *****…I managed to go to work today, yesterday I couldn’t. anyhow I sat there on my desk and I did literally nothing all day.
      I couldn’t do the simplest of the tasks, all my demons are popping up on my mind.

      I am feeling very sad very depressed, tired & ashamed not only of what I have done, but it is more from what I become. I have lost money? f**** it, I will work hard and get money, I have debts? no issue eventually I will pay it all… but the realization that I am and I will always be a f***** money-burning machine is s tough.
      I am in my mid-thirties and I didn’t get married yet I didn’t build a family yet, I have a job, yes but I could have been in a much better job…etc and everything is about the money you need to get married you need money, you need a better job you should have an emergency fund before taking the risk and change your job …..everything is about money and I am a f***** money burning machine.
      all my demons are popping up, for the last two days I couldn’t sleep without sleeping pills. and I have to keep listening to something until I sleep, if I didn’t my thoughts will keep me awake.
      I have this feeling that I didn’t have for a long time. the last time I remember that I have cried is 20+ years ago, now I have this feeling that I need to cry but I couldn’t, the tears are right there but they are not dropping out of my aye .probably this is the lowest moment in my life, but someone wrote in this forum.

      when I hit the last rock-bottom I didn’t know that this addiction can take me farther to a new rock bottom

      thank you sunny, Jordj, and all for your support I hope you are doing well in your recovery

    • #77176
      Aftertherain
      參與者

      Hey there,
      I’ve been reading this forum for years because it seems to comfort me to feel some kind of connection to others like myself.I have only posted once. I remember you from awhile back and have recently updated on your journal. I don’t have any new brilliant ideas to spin for you but I want you to know that you are not alone. My heart aches as I read your words and I can remember with fresh vivid pain where you are at right now. I have also been in that place…..more times than I care to remember. I have been clean for over a year now but I am also aware that I will always be vulnerable.I will always need to be vigilant. I will always need to care for myself in ways that support a strong healthy life and to make sure I have a “Plan B” when all hell breaks loose! We will probably always be challenged to some extent with this demon. You’re right, money is not what is most important. It is you that is most important! We may relapse and continue the struggle but we can eventually free ourselves to the extent that we can enjoy our lives. Even if we always have to keep one eye on the darkness we can also focus on the light. We can focus on what we are good at, what we enjoy, who we love. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Let the tears come and then you will sleep.

    • #77214
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      hi Aftertherain,
      thanks for your kind words and support.
      you are right about we will always be vulnerable. this is who I am “an addict” and I have to live with it. it is not the end of the world it can be managed. and you and others in this forum are proof that we can live with it and live a happy life but as you said we will always need to be vigilant.
      congrats on your 1st year, keep this mindset and your gambling-free years will continue to add up.

      today is DAY#3,
      I have managed to do some tasks at work, not a good productive day but at least I got few things done. yesterday I have tried to avoid using sleeping pills but unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep so I took one pill instead of two I have reduced the dos and it works. I don’t need to get used to it.

      I am a bit better today, I know what’s needs to be done just I have to do it this time literally without any exceptions.

    • #77215
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks, Kin for your support,
      I read your post about the Pink Cloud syndrome it was informative this is the first time I hear about it and it makes sense.

    • #77225
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#4,
      a bit better, but I am still feeling depressed sad, and scared from another relapse, the past experiences are not promising each time I climb this hole, I fall down right before I reach the surface.

    • #77240
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5,
      I did the horrible exercise of reading all my posts, it is almost one year since I have started this thread “fresh start” I didn’t have the courage to read the posts in the previous thread which I started 2 years back.
      it is a very painful experience to review all your past failures, to read all these hopeful thoughts, and all the depressing thoughts, all your ups and downs.
      I read it to try to learn something from this horrible year of relapses. and I guess what I learned is I should not be very optimistic about my recovery it will lead to misjudgment it will lead to reducing the roadblocks and finally it will lead to a relapse. I guess a slightly pessimistic view will work better and will keep me safe.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 12 months 前 修改。
    • #77244
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#6,
      another day of facing my demons and my addiction, frankly, I don’t know which one came first or which one causes the other.
      all I know now is one day at a time.

    • #77248
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#7
      the 1st week over, but I am not sure why the progress is slow this time! why I am still so sad and depressed? I am still finding the situation is hopeless but I will keep fighting.
      normally by the end of 1st week, I will be full of hope and momentum. but this time no.

    • #77308
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#8,
      one day at a time.

    • #77336
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#10
      much better today I did the right things, I was a bit more productive in work.
      the barriers saved me today I have received my salary and immediately get rid of it. “I am smiling from using such words like “get rid of it” about my salary. who could have guessed that I will reach in my life to a point that I am afraid of money and I need to get rid of it as soon as possible?
      anyhow to this after paying all the bills, installments, and transferring an amount for saving, I kept what I need for the rest of the month plus some more for any emergency.
      and guess what, the f****** urges started!! after all the suffering that I have passed through recently!! just a small amount of money triggered me….then the recalculation & budget squeezing started and I figured out that I can use 800$.
      fortunately, I have no way to put that money in trading because I have closed the trading accounts, and I scratched all my cards so I am safe.

      to the irony, after running all the options in my head and surrendering to the fact that the only way is to order a replacement card and this will take a week so I have surrendered to the fact that I can’t proceed, and then I had this big smile on my face I don’t know it is because I survived this time or because I have remembered how f******up my brain is. anyhow, one of my colleagues noticed the big smile and asked me what happen, I told him I just won 800$.

    • #77356
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#12,
      the depression is less today, this is the life and time heals all wounds.
      I am getting better every day, today I have started thinking and planning what I need to do to solve my life problems and to progress in life.
      I am going back to GYM today it has been months since i last time I was in the gym. and start dieting again I gained a lot of weight during this one and a half year of relapses.
      life is smiling to me today, and I am grateful for that.

    • #77366
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#13,
      almost two weeks since the last relapse. no urges to gamble but still feeling down, I had a few hours of hope in the last few days but the main theme still depression, low self-esteem, confused and overwhelmed with the life problems caused by gambling ( or the gambling was an escape of it). either way, I should face all my demons one at a time because I am really overwhelmed.
      yesterday I went back to GYM and start dieting again at least this is one aspect of my life that I put in track again and I have a plan and target for it.

      I am reading about SMART recovery, I have downloaded their handbook I am going to read it today.

    • #77372
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#14,
      reading more about SMART recovery, it looks like a good approach that attacks the addiction from the roots.

    • #77397
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#15
      “addiction is the best thing that happened to me”
      I remember this quote from one youtube video for Dr.Gabor Mate he was quoting the feedback from some of his patients.

      I can’t say the same thing, it is the worst thing that can ever happen to a person especially the gambling addiction. but I can understand why someone can say that.

      I think now I know myself better.

    • #77406
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#16,
      one day at a time

    • #77419
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#17,
      I am in this nice state today, no cravings to gamble no thoughts about losses, and on the other hand no thoughts about recovery, I guess this how normal nonaddict people feel all the time. just peaceful life.
      it was a stressful day at work but it really didn’t affect me, my stress tolerance is increasing.
      after work, I came back home, prepared a good dinner, and I am going to GYM after posting this post.
      suddenly I have all this free time, after the gym, I am planning to watch a movie and continue reading a book.

    • #77429
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#18,
      one day at a time.

    • #77431
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#19,
      yesterday I got this panic about the future, the fear that I will lose everything, again and again, the thing that calmed me down is to give myself a commitment not to have extra money not take any loans or credit cards, and I should work on my recovery daily. this what I can do and I will win. I am fed up with losing control every time, I am a much better person than who I am now, and I will recover and maintain my recovery.
      19 days passed since the last relapse and I can see how wonderful is to stay in an abstinence state, I can see the benefits: my diet is in order, I am losing weight, my health is getting better, I am more focused on work…and more.

      I hope the best to all of you in your recovery.

    • #77432
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I am running all the options that I have to solve my life problems and what I can really see is just by stop gambling everything will get better and a +ve snowball will start rolling and my life eventually will get better.
      my top priority from now is to maintain this recovery. that’s it. I really shouldn’t overwhelm myself with what I don’t have now, or how much debt I should pay..etc.
      I should just focus on how to not gamble. this will solve 90% of my problem in the long run.

    • #77446
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#20,
      I really have nothing to say today, just I am committing to writing a post daily as a part of maintaining the recovery.
      I am reading a book about procrastination I think I need it badly the book’s name is “end procrastination now … by William Knaus ” I am just at the beginning of it but the book seems interesting.
      I read the SMART recovery handbook last week, I am going to read it again this week and this time I will fill all the tables, I like their approach.
      well, that’s it for today.

      I hope all the best to all of you.

    • #77449
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I don’t know why I am feeling so broken now. I had a good day at work. I did my reading for the day. Went to the gym and I worked hard. It is a good day in general. So why this deep sadness now!!!. Why these Damn thoughts now.
      The great advice from Jorden Peterson is to compare yourself with who you were yesterday not to where someone else is today.
      Yes, but how the f*** I can forget who I could have been today if I didn’t gamble. I was much better than all my friends now I am so f***** broken person who is trying to get his acts together wrestling with life every day, sleeping with his eyes opened, afraid of his addiction demon who is waiting in the dark to attack him and to break him even more.
      life is suffering yes, but this is too much…
      damn, I can understand to be afraid of an external factor, but to be afraid of yourself is f****** hard.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 11 months 前 修改。
    • #77452
      joerdj
      參與者

      Well the whole point of JP was to not compare yourself to any one else except yourself. So not that you were once better then your friends or were you could have been if you didn’t gamble. Those answers are impossible to give. So it doesn’t matter what you did in the past. The only question is : Are you in a better place/ person then you were yesterday? ( And yesterday only).

      Also, waiting for your demon to knock on you door is not a great long term strategy. Better put everything in place so the demon does not get a chance to knock.

    • #77453
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      well, I think you didn’t understand what I wrote. anyhow thanks for your support.

    • #77467
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#21,
      3 weeks passed since the last relapse, from a gambling perspective I have no craving and no urges so everything is fine in this regard, but I still have this fear from any future relapse, I think it is healthy to keep such fear but it is depressing at the same time.
      Does anyone have the same fear? does this will continue with me even after a year or two of recovery?

    • #77483
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#22,
      one day at a time.

    • #77489
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I am still getting my acts together, addiction caused overwhelming destruction to every aspect of my life and to my personality, addiction breaks down everything in one’s life, everything will be ignored and the priority will be just to feed one’s addiction.
      now after 23 days, I can see I just put one aspect of my life in order, the health aspect is now in order, I am taking care of what I eat, getting the correct supplements, working hard at the GYM, I can see the benefits from now, yes I need 4 to 6 months to reach my goal but I can see that I am getting closer toward my target every day and this keeps me motivated.
      this aspect becomes a routine, so now I have to work on another aspect and address it.

      keeping in mind the main priority in my life should be not to gamble because if I break this everything will be destroyed again.

    • #77497
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#24,
      one day at a time,
      stop gambling and eventually, everything will get better.

    • #77523
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#25
      thanks kin for checking on me, I am doing well so far.

      Today is the 25th day, no cravings or urges, just a lot of thinking on how to get it right this time.
      Yesterday I had a lot of free time, I read my previous journal, I read part of my diary “I don’t always write on it, I only used to write if I am down” so it is full of pain, I am thinking to delete it I don’t need any additional pain or negativity in my life. This time I am trying to reach the root of my addiction and fix it, and frankly, I can’t pinpoint one single reason. It is multiple factors that I need to address one by one.

      I hope all the best to all of you in your recovery

    • #77528
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#26,
      I didn’t reach this far in a long time.

    • #77529
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      living these up and down moments within the same day, sometimes I feel motivated sometimes I feel sad and overwhelmed with my issues, I am fighting back but damn I am in a total mess, it is like I am on a ship with many many holes if you fix one you feel you have done something, but then you look around to see all the other fuckin holes that needs to be closed. and everything is urgent, letterly everything is neglected for a long long time and now I have to fix it urgently.

      I don’t know if my life issues caused me to gamble or it the other way around, for sure some of my issues were before I start gambling, but they become worst after gambling and many additional issues came up after gambling, regardless to which caused the other, I have to fill all these fuckin holes to live a worth-living life.

    • #77536
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#27,
      no craving and no urges, went to work today after a long holiday, but frankly, it was not a productive day I was feeling down from my overwhelming issues.
      anyhow the workday passed, tomorrow I am committing to be more productive, it gives me a kind of fulfillment if I had a productive day.
      I am going to the gym and I will see what I can do after,

      yesterday I re-read the chapter of Coping with urges from the SMART recovery handbook. it was informative they have some tools and strategies that help to cope with urges:
      below are few points from that chapter:
      1: you need to Identify your triggers:
      2: you need to list the triggers and rate the risk for each one from 1 to 10
      3: you need to have an urges log, so you can understand what causes the urge and how to deal with it
      4: the urges will come you can’t stop them but you can cope with them below is a list of strategies that you can use to deal with the urges:
      1. Avoid triggers.
      2. Escape
      3. Distract yourself ( focus on your hierarchy of value is a good distraction)
      4. Develop coping statements
      5. Review your CBA
      6. Rate your urge – write it in the log, and compare it’s in comfort with something like being boiled alive.
      7. Recall moments of clarity
      8. Recall negative consequences
      9. Picture your future
      10. Use the past
      11. Ride the wave
      12. Call on role models and coaches
      13. Reach out for social support
      14. Accept the urge
      Advanced strategies:
      15. Move Beyond avoidance
      16. Bring out your urges
      17. Role-play/Rehearsal
      18.Refuse to use in social situations

      I really recommend to you all to download and read SMART recovery handbook. there is a lot of useful information.

    • #77569
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#28,
      working daily on my recovery, what I learned is to keep sobriety as my main priority, because if I relapse everything will scramble again.
      so far my recovery is going fine, no urges and no cravings at all, I can see how different my life will be after 100, 180, 360, and Day#1000,
      everything will be fine just keep GF that’s it only one thing to focus on, the rest will come along, the financial situation, the relations, the family a better job etc. everything will get better just by staying away from gambling.

    • #77594
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#29,
      one day to complete my first month,
      I had a really good day. productive at work, feeling happy and optimistic. my self-esteem is recovering and my confidence as well.
      no craving and no urges in spite of the crypto mania around me, everyone is talking about what to buy and what to sell, in spite of that, I didn’t get any cravings or urges to trade.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 11 months 前 修改。
    • #77610
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#30, one month is over,
      it has been a long time since I reach the one-month mark. I should celebrate this small win, I am still at the beginning I need to cross the 3 months, 6 months, and the 1-year mark.
      after the 3 months, the probability of relapse will be low around 30%
      at the 6 months mark, I will cross the longest abstinence period that I have achieved 2 years back.
      at the 1 year mark, my financial condition will be much better starting from the 6th month so if I managed it correctly from the 6 months to the 1-year mark I can say I will be in the maintenance stage. at that time.

    • #77613
      Romana
      參與者

      Hi Dark Energy,

      I read your entire thread. You are on the right way. Wish I could help you more.

      My (ex) boyfriend and me are also living in a different country from our families. None of his family knows about his addiction. I also have seen some similarities in the struggle and the description of the moody life witout gambling.

      There is one main difference, you should be very proud of yourself for being this concious about the problem and the wonderful will you have to face it again and again.

      Please keep posting.
      Romana

    • #77621
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      hi Romana,
      Thanks for your support and the encouraging words.
      I have been struggling with addiction for 6 or 7 years, with a lot of ups and downs, but I think now I matured mentally enough to win the war.

      the first 2 years I thought I was trading forex, I never thought that this activity shares the same emotion and behavior patterns that hooked the gamblers to gambling.
      I got hooked, I didn’t know for 2 years that I am gambling, I thought it was just a financial issue, it is a market and you can expect to win some time and to lose sometime, just now my looser is more and I just need additional money to trade again and I will win, this was the thought pattern that I had..

      after that, I felt that something is wrong here, so I sent an email to an online therapy site, few days the answer came that I have a compulsive gambling issue. a what ?? compulsive gambling??? up to that moment I never thought that I have a gambling addiction. I never gambled in my life I grew up in a religious community so there are no casinos, and no way to gamble, and I grew up knowing gambling is wrong and I should not gamble, even now the casino games or sports betting or any other kind of gambling is not appealing to me because I know deep down it is wrong. so I never tried it and I will never do.
      but if you come to activities like stoke, forex, or crypto trading that has this big cover “trading”, the things move from black or white to a huge grayscale where the same activity can be trading under certain conditions and can be gambling under other conditions.
      now I am avoiding even the normal activities like investing because it has the risk to triggers my addiction like what happened in the last few months.

      now back to you Romana, for someone like me, who sees the amount of suffering and struggles and uncertainty that this addiction brings to his life, and see someone so kind like you is about to bring this demon “addiction” to his life, my first thought was I hope she walks away, I hope she Runaway, she doesn’t have to bring all this suffering to her life.

      I can see you have done the right things.

      I hope you all the best in your life, life is hard enough without addiction, and no need to bring more suffering to it.

      and yes today is Day#31 and the count will continue this time.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 11 months 前 修改。
    • #77629
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks kin for your support,

      today is the 32nd day, I am having a lot of pressure at work and this will continue for the next 2 weeks, I am handling it in a good way so far, I can’t imagine how my situation would be if I had such pressure in the middle of a relapse.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 11 months 前 修改。
    • #77654
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks Markwi27,

      Day#33,
      nothing really to add, just a normal day without gambling, no urges, no cravings,
      that’s it for today.
      one day at a time.

    • #77656
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I had this bad hour of thinking about my debts, I distract myself by going to the gym, I didn’t have such depressing thoughts for few days I guess a week or more, I get panicked from the thought I need 14 or 15 months to close my debts, such long term goals is really depressing I need to keep it simple 1 day or 1 week and maximum one-month goal. beyond that I guess will not work for me.
      a small progressive improvement.

    • #77668
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#34,

    • #77685
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      day#35,
      one day at a time

    • #77694
      charles
      版主

      Hi DE,
      When it comes to those debts forget the big daunting total. Work out a manageable and sustainable weekly/monthly amount and then just focus on that. By sustainable I mean not living like a hermit. Does it leave you enough to live on? Enough for the odd meal out, weekend away etc? Non gambling fun stuff? If so then great, just focus on those weekly/monthly repayments. If not then maybe look at taking another couple of months to pay things off so you do start to see those no gambling benefits. Keep posting.

    • #77697
      chahed123
      參與者

      Hi Charles it’s Chahed we got cut of earlier whilst in the new comers group.l don’t know how but l couldn’t get back where we were chatting.not to worry l will take your advice on board and stay in close contact with the group’s.
      Thankyou.Chahed

    • #77716
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks Charles for your support, yes I am paying a reasonable amount, but the 14 months is to reach a +ve net worth (i.e. what I have is more than what I owe).

      Day#36,
      I feel very vulnerable to life, somehow I am managing to smile but really deep down a lot of pain and regrets, today I met a friend who has been terminated from his job a few months ago and he still searching for a job, the market is tough at this time after covid, maybe in some countries, you can depend on government support for a while until you get a new job but here as expats we are on our own, I really felt sad about him and worried about my self, who knows what will happen in future, who knows what surprises this life is hiding, but I know as of now I am so vulnerable and I am not ready to any bad surprises. and this worries me.

    • #77721
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#37,
      this day is one of those days where you remember where the fuck you are in this life, then you start to review all your steps to see which one went wrong, which step led you to where you are now, this day is one of those days where I remember that oh damn I have done a lot of wrong steps in every aspect of my life. and the time is running out.
      I need just to sleep and wake up fresh the next day and work toward my goals which start to become less and less as time passes.

      anyhow no urges to gambling but I am feeling down.

    • #77723
      chahed123
      參與者

      Hello dark energy
      How are you this is Chahed it’s good too hear from you.l don’t count the day’s that l haven’t gambled it’s been a couple of weeks what l do know is that we are all in this together the addiction doesn’t go a way it’s always there we have to fight everyday.some days are better than others take it day by day.your qoate was spot on l wonder myself how long does this pain we are feeling last for.l hope and pray as long as we are true to ourselves we can overcome this disease to lead good and clean life God willing.
      I have just started on this journey and l don’t know how long or where it will take me what l do know is that it can’t get worse than when l was a compulsive gambler IT is hard but with time it will get easier God willing.Dark Energy
      Keep up the great work you are doing God willing things can only get better.take care and Thankyou.
      Chahed.

    • #77725
      chahed123
      參與者

      Hi friends
      The struggle continues my wife has been filling for a divorce l am angry and pissed off its her right l messed up lost everything she is so right.it’s my children that I’m feeling for l should have made changes before before compulsive gambler losing everything for his addiction.what a world we are living in.

    • #77752
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Chahed,
      the only action that is guaranteed to make your life better is not to gamble. that’s it.
      after that it is a positive feedback loop, your life will get better and better. so this should be your first priority.
      I know it is a hard time in regard to the divorce, try to speak honestly with her, maybe there is one more last chance.
      ask her to be part of your recovery, give her control over your finances and the trust will back.

      hope you all the best,
      and thanks for your support

    • #77753
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#38,
      today is one of the “up” days, I had a great time at work, back home watched the movie “Wrath of Man”, and I am going to GYM.
      I am noticing my self-esteem is recovering, feeling more confidant.
      hoping life will give more of those “up” days, I don’t mind few “down” days but I hope the “up”s are more.

    • #77765
      sattachart
      參與者

      A fresh Start for a day

    • #77768
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#39,
      well, I noticed certain behavior this week, this week was very stressful at work, I really ignored my diet, eat a lot of unhealthy food, went once or twice only to GYM, didn’t read, as usual, my mind was preoccupied with work stress even at home, this was very familiar to me, it felt like I am in relapse except that I was not gambling and I didn’t have the urges to do so.

      These behavioral patterns were linked in my mind to gambling. but now work stress is triggering it. there is a lot to work on, a lot to improve, a lot to recover, it is a long journey, I think it needs more than a few months to recover what 6 or 7 years of gambling did to me,
      it will take at least 1 to 2 years with progressive steps to say all of that is behind me now and I am in the maintenance stage now.

    • #77769
      chahed123
      參與者

      Dark Energy
      That was brilliant you give me so much inspiration to continue and fight this long fight l hope and pray that God gives you strength and will power as we all struggle with this evil addiction.God bless.
      Take care Chahed.

    • #77771
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#40,
      happy to reach this round number again, I didn’t reach it for a while.

    • #77778
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#41,
      tomorrow is my payday, I know I am prepared to handle the urges, but I am wondering if the urges will strike tomorrow I didn’t have any urges since one month ” the last payday”.

    • #77785
      sunny
      參與者

      Hey Dark Energy.

      You are doing well buddy and hang in there! Get thru this payday!

      Sunny

    • #77789
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Sunny,
      thanks for your support, the day passed well, I have “get rid” of all the extra money.
      and frankly, I didn’t get any urge or even craving to gamble. so it seems I am going in the right direction.
      I didn’t see you posting for a while, I hope you are doing well.

    • #77792
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#42,
      things are getting better and better, my self-confidence and my self-esteem are increasing, yesterday was one of the down days, and today is one of the up days.
      well, this the life you will get some good days and some down days, but without gambling, you can handle the down days better and enjoy the good days.

      I read today some old and new posts in the Family and friends part of the forum, it is really painful to me to read and see all the pain and suffering this addiction brings not only to the gambler but the gambler family.
      I could be wrong but somehow I feel the pain in the family side is more than the pain on the gambler’s side and I don’t know why.

    • #77804
      G Rec
      參與者

      Hi Dark Energy,

      Really glad to read about your progress so far, and I look forward to continuing to get updates. You are doing great

    • #77805
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi G Rec,
      thanks for your support, and congratulations on your 97th Day.

      Day#43,
      nothing to add, just a normal day free of gambling.

    • #77823
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#44,
      one day at a time

    • #77830
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#45,
      glad to see this number again, it is half the way to my next milestone (the 90 Days mark).
      today after 45 days from the relapse I can say that I have completed delayed work that has been caused by the previous relapse. so I really feel happy about that.
      I lost 5Kg+ during this period as well so I am doing well in this aspect as well.
      everything looks fine so far.

    • #77861
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#46,
      today is off, I find it hard to wake up I have not planned anything for today, in such days my demons start popping up so I have to fill this day with anything just to distract myself, in the working days the work is a great distraction. and the GYM as well but I need more distractions.

      ps: my demons are all the pain, suffering, insecurities, depressing thoughts…etc that have been caused by gambling or caused the gambling.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 10 months 前 修改。
    • #77870
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#47,
      one day at a time

    • #77876
      chahed123
      參與者

      Hello everybody
      I hope you are all well.Just a quick message for dark energy l enjoy so much reading your quotes they are so true and l Thankyou for being true to your self and all of us.
      Thankyou Chahed.

    • #77886
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks Chahed for the kind words, I hope you are doing well in your recovery.

      Day#48,
      I can see it clearly now, gambling is just the tip of the iceberg there is a lot of issues are hidden beneath the water.
      gambling was the easy solution to all my problems, now I am facing all these issues. but I am not gonna hide behind false hopes, this time I will pass through the hard way. and regardless if I will reach the end or not I will be proud of myself in both cases.

    • #77887
      chahed123
      參與者

      Hello dark energy
      I hope you are well mate.
      Your spot on with what you wrote it’s not just the gambling that’s the core of all the problems we face.l realize in my case it’s l have a lot of character defaults that l need to work on.MY recovery is going well as in a scene l am not gambling but as l said earlier l have my character defaults to really work on if l am honest with myself.l have to rediscover who l really am because deep down l don’t like who l have become.
      I pray for the almighty help and guidance because it’s really hard knowing the truth about ones self.
      Dark Energy l wish you all the best.recovery is difficult but well worth it.

    • #77900
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Chahed
      thanks for your support.

      Day#49
      nothing to add just I have some financial challenges and I have some options that involve taking a consolidation loan, but as we all know with a large sum of money the triggers will start so I am quite resisting going with a consolidation loan solution to avoid any triggers.
      my priorities are in the correct order now, and the 1st one of them is to not gamble again. and then the rest. so if taking a consolidation loan will trigger my gambling addiction then I am not gonna do it.

    • #77926
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#50
      nice round number again, no urges to gamble but I took step toward a consolidation loan, this is a big move I need to plan the steps to avoid any slip. I know it is a risky step but I think I can handle it, my road blockers are in place, and I am putting a plan to get rid of the extra money that I will receive within few days.

    • #77931
      G Rec
      參與者

      Great to see you on Day 50 Dark Energy. Keep up the good work, I look forward to continuing following your updates

    • #77932
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#51,
      thank you G Rec for your support, it has been a long time since the last time I reach the 50 days mark. this is really encouraging and I can see this will continue.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 10 months 前 修改。
    • #77967
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#54
      well, I got the consolidation loan, which means I have extra money under my control that I need to use to settle some other small debts, I had this extra money 2 days ago, and oddly enough this didn’t trigger any cravings nor urges to gamble, I am really glad for that.
      I will need 3 to 4 days to get rid of this extra money as planned but so far I am half the way, but everything looks fine.

      I had this great boost in energy and in self-confidence because I have extra money with me and I am in a better position from the financial security perspective. frankly, I felt ” normal for a short period ” I,e feeling like what a nongambler feels about gambling ” indifference to gambling”, I know it is wrong to feel that way so I reminded myself that I am a gambler and such feeling may lead me to act with fewer cautions and this will lead to slipping and then relapse.
      anyhow it was a nice moment though.

    • #77977
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#55,
      one day at a time.

    • #77992
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#56.
      today was an interesting day, I had an urge to gamble, this will be the first input in my urges log “a SMART tool”
      the urge came after a chat with friends regarding our finances and the future, and the first and easy solution “delusion” to the financial problem is to gamble and win. well, not this time! luckily I have scratched the back of all my cards in day#1 to prevent myself from doing an online deposit to a broker account, asking for a replacement card will take a week to receive it so the urge fades, the urge didn’t last more than 10 min, the cognitive part like reminding my self with the consequences and reminding my self it is a losing game played a part of keeping me safe but frankly, nothing works better than roadblocks.

    • #78011
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thank you kIn for your support,
      today is Day#59, almost 2 months from the last relapse. and everything is getting better and better.

    • #78022
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#61,
      One day at a time.

    • #78025
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#62,
      with the money, the cravings came back.
      my first priority is to not gamble and everything will get better.
      2 months passed and my next two targets are the 3 months and the 100 Days mark.
      everything will get better one day at a time

    • #78014
      harvestmoon
      參與者

      I don’t know how to stop gambling, can someone please tell me how to start .

    • #78069
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Harvestmoon,
      can you please write more so the members can help you and advise you?
      as you can read in this forum it is not impossible to stop gambling, a lot has done it. maybe not from the 1st time but even if it will take a 100 trial to do it is worth it.

      your first priority in life from now on should be to stop gambling because if you fail on this everything will spiral down again and again.

      now how to stop there is a lot of help available online from GA meeting to SMART meeting to the Forums like this one. all offer great help, but recovery is a road you can’t do everything from day one.
      but as a start, you need to
      1: limit your access to the money ( give the control of your finance to someone else. partner or family member) the money is a great trigger and at the first stage you don’t need any triggers.
      2: build as many barriers between you and gambling as you can, if your willpower failed then the barriers will keep you away from gambling. and knowing that the barriers are there is itself will reduce your cravings to gamble.
      for instance, you can install a web blocker to block the gambling sites, you can scratch the 3 digits in the back of your cards to prevent you from depositing the money to an online gambling site …etc. ​a lot of barriers can be built to help you.
      3: learn more about addiction and how to fight it I recommend SMART their approach.

      Create a new thread here in this forum write a description about your addiction so the members can help you, and record your progress.

      we don’t have flu that will go away in few days. what we have is a lifetime illness like diabetes that we have to learn how to deal with it and live our lives like normal people and we can do that. many have done it.

    • #78070
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#64,
      I had some urges to gamble again yesterday and today, I noticed a big movement in the crypto market yesterday morning and I was about to participate but the barriers helped me to not do it. in fact, reading my first posts about what I wrote in the first few days after this last relapse reminded me of what will happen if I placed the first bet. I could win in fact I guessed the market direction correctly and for sure I could have won yesterday and today but then I will continue for few weeks and lose it all, again and again, NO I DON’T NEED TO REPEATE THE SAME SCENARIO.

    • #78084
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#65,
      I am passing through hard times I hope I will not relapse, I was very tempted to gamble again in the last few days but I resist the temptations.
      I hope this period will pass fast.

    • #78092
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#66,
      the storm didn’t end, still having urges to trad “gamble”, my gambling mind throwing ideas and ideas about trading, do it once, do it for only 2 or 3 days and go out of the market, put only this amount so the downside will be limited and so on many ideas but I had done it all in the past and nothing worked before so why it will work this time!!
      I need to set down and focus on why these urges are coming now and how to deal with them, I have been resisting the temptation for 4 or 5 days now but if this will continue without any additional measures I will relapse.
      this is a critical stage, I have good money with me, it has been more than two months since the last relapse so now it is either to relapse “do what I did in the last few years” and back to square zero, or break this loop and find new ways and move to the next stage of recovery.

    • #78106
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks Kin for your support.

      I have relapsed mentally, but thanks to the barriers I didn’t relapse physically. I wrote many times in my previous posts that willpower alone will not work, willpower will let you down sometimes, today was one of those times. I kept resisting the urges for the last few days but it was piling up. I was saying NO NO NO many times but finally, I need to shut these voices in my head, and after few days of saying NO I finally surrendered and said Ok I will deposit a small amount. here the barriers played the role of a savior, I kept only one prepaid card not scratched so I can use it to pay bills it is mandatory, I knew it is difficult to use it to deposit money to the broker account but somehow because I didn’t try it before the urges kept coming then I surrender and tried it and fortunately, it didn’t work.
      then I have tried another method and it didn’t work. after realizing that there is no way to deposit money in the broker account and to do it it will take a week or more to break the barriers, I surrendered and the urges faded away and I can say the storm is over.

      I really wish that I could have won the battle with my willpower but I couldn’t. the result is more important, I didn’t gamble and this is enough.

      sure I have to review and replan and do some additional steps but for now, I will celebrate because I have survived this time.

    • #78118
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#67,
      Glad to reach this number, the count could have been back to Day#0 if the barriers failed but fortunately, they didn’t let me down.

      I waked up relaxed… the urges are gone…I am going to re-read the SMART recovery handbook and attend a SMART meeting. Now it is time to back to the drawing board and implement more actions that will help me to progress in my recovery.

    • #78197
      G Rec
      參與者

      Hi DarkEnergy.

      Well done on the progress, and on reaching Day 67. I am happy to hear that like me you are finding SMART recovery a very useful additional tool in helping with recovery.

    • #78205
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#72.
      thanks, G Rec for your support, and thank you for introducing SMART I came to know about it from your posts, I like their approach, I am attended few meetings but I like their books and youtube videos I find it very helpful, to the contrary to GA where I attended one meeting only and I didn’t repeat it, it felt like a cult for me, a book written some 50+ years ago, and we need to follow.. and the part of praying to a superpower at the end of the meeting to help us fight this addiction…. once that GA meeting finished I said this not for me.

    • #78285
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day# Zero again
      I have lost faith in myself, it is just a matter of days, weeks, or months if I am really lucky before the next relapse.
      now I back to zero, the rock is down the hill again and I have to push it again to the top…what a fucking life.
      I have tried and tried but it always ends with relapse.

      I was in isolation because I got covid and that triggered me I resisted gambling for few days then the boredom and the access to money led me to gamble again.

      I don’t know what to say I don’t have the energy to do anything, no meaning to put a plan for the next few months and work to improve myself because it always ends here at day zero.
      to be honest, I don’t feel depressed it is worst this time I feel defeated I feel no matter what I will do I will fail again, I have this numb feeling that you are just setting in the driver seat but you have no control over the car and finally, I surrender to whatever will happen because no matter what I am doing I can’t control it.

    • #78308
      charles
      版主

      Admitting defeat and surrender? Those words actually helped me at my first GA meeting. Someone told me to admit defeat to the bookies and “unconditional surrender”. They beat me, i can’t win so there was no longer a need to try and beat them by gambling. The one thing we all can’t control is our gambling once we place that next first bet.

      You can stop gambling. How did you gt around your barriers? You “resisted gambling for a few days” what could you have done in those few days which would have meant you couldn’t gamble?

      GA isn’t for everyone but I would suggest anyone gives it 6 otr 7 meetings before making their mind up. After all one bad day gambling never stopped us going to gamble! Many athieists/agnostics go to GA but forget the G word for a moment – when you went to that one meeting what were the people who weren’t gambling DOING? There is an agnostic version of the 12 Steps in the recovery Tools forum, it’s on the first page somewhere.

      You achieved around 80 days gamble free, well done. What were you doing with your time instead of gambling? Stopping gambling leaves a void – how have you filled that void?

      You can stop gambling. Your addiction will be delighted you only got to one GA meeting, your addiction will be delighted you think you can’t beat it. That would give it free reign to continue it’s progression.

      I hope you get back on the wagon and do the things your addiction wouldn’t want you to do.

      Keep posting.

    • #78329
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      hi Kin & Charles,
      thank you for your support and the encouraging words, it took me a week from resisting the heavy urges until I finally slipt, and as you know once you start you can’t stop.

      Charles, you asked “How did you gt around your barriers? You “resisted gambling for a few days” what could you have done in those few days which would have meant you couldn’t gamble?
      it all started once I got a consolidation loan, with some extra money to buy a car, it worked well for few days without urges, I closed the small loans, I bought a good Car. and I had some extra money after that. I put it in a savings account as an emergency fund. everything was fine then I got covid19 and I was in home isolation for 2 weeks after, during the isolation and having all this free time doing literally nothing this and the fact I have extra money ( money + free time) triggered my urges to trade crypto again, I was not able to silence the urges in my head. I have resisted for few days then I relapsed, I am really asking myself why I didn’t do any real “physical” measures during the resisting period to prevent myself from relapsing!! the only way to avoid relapsing was to get rid of that extra money. simply as that this is the only way. my barrier was to not have a credit or debit card without scratching the 3 digits in the back to avoid depositing money to any online broker. but now I found another way which is P2P you transfer the money from your bank account to another person and he will give you the crypto on the broker website, the broker will act as a 3rd party to ensure the transaction. so now I know it is only a 2 days gap between mentally slipping and doing the gambling act because it is only 2 days I need to open an account and complete the verification process.

      I have two questions for myself:
      1: could I have stopped before losing all the cash that I have access to? before the end of it I realized it is not going to end well but I continued till the last penny.
      2: why I didn’t take any action in that period before the relapse, I knew it is gonna happen. I wrote it here in my posts. but I didn’t do any real action, I depended on my willpower and it let me down. as usual.

      Kin, you wrote, “This time you are not starting from zero, you are starting from experience, you know more ways that do not work.”
      this is exactly what I need to tell to myself because looking to it as a continuous failing or a hopeless situation is depressing.
      and you are right i have more experience now.

    • #78330
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1
      the past two weeks were a period of continuous stress, lack of sleep, self-destruction, eating junk ignoring my health and my work…. it was a very hard time and I don’t need this to happen again.
      I know a lot about my addiction and how to fight it, I just need to fight it better this time and to win the war.
      planning the next few months, setting logs and goals is depressing for me I will not do it this time at least now, I failed a lot, and putting a new plan is hard emotionally for me, I will go with the flow this time just I will focus on doing the right things every day one day at a time and I hope after many days it piles up to some good results.

    • #78347
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#2
      tired from doing this again and again. anyhow today is the 2nd day in the 1st day I was not depressed as usual I had a numb feeling as I have avoided thinking about the consequences of what I did, I went to work and I worked normally, in fact, I notice a huge relief from stress compared with the last gambling day, but today “the 2nd day” all my demons popped up in the middle of the day, I couldn’t complete the day I felt down even doing the simplest of the tasks was not possible, my voice turned into this weak depressed tone that I don’t like, and I just left I couldn’t complete the day.

      I understand that I should continue trying and yes I will do. but it is fuckin hard to deal with all these failures.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 9 months 前 修改。
    • #78354
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#3,
      all that I need to say has been said before in my Journal, and now another journey started, I wish it is to the unknown, but it looks like a Déjà vu, I think it is the 6,7th or maybe the 10th time, it is the same movie, again and again.

    • #78357
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#4,
      ..

    • #78371
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#8,
      thanks Kin.
      the first week is finished, frankly no real challenges at this stage, I need to cross 40 or 50 days to start having challenges for my recovery.
      I just need to prepare myself for that stage.

    • #78390
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#10
      two digits again,
      the weight loss plan is the first to be in action after relapse “as usual ” it is the easiest thing that I can do, for the last week, I was following my diet rules, and I am seeing the result on the scale. but I need another 20 weeks to go back to where I was before this series of relapses started 1.5 years ago.

      as you all know the addiction screw up every aspect of your life, so there is a lot to deal with.

    • #78405
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#11,
      I read this booklet which is addressed to the financial advisors to educate them about the problem of gambling and the points the need to be taken into consideration when they have a compulsive gambler client.

      below is the link for the booklet:
      https://calpg.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/Helping-the-Problem-Gambling-Client_REV.pdf

      in addition to the normal stuff the below points draw my attention :
      1: put extra sources of income, such as a year-end bonus … toward savings or investing goals, don’t use it to pay off debts. Saving should be treated as a priority, even if debts are high

      2: Avoid quick repayment of debts, quick payoffs from loan consolidations, or refinancing a home also may embolden the gambler to return to betting and pile new debt on top of old. ( and this is what happened with me)

      3: investing in the stoke market there is a disagreement on it some say yes some say no, but the one who says yes add to it, yes but you should not make the investment decisions and a proper safeguard should be applied.

      I hope this will help some because I think it is really thoughtful. the money is the drug.
      but unfortunately, it is like the food “we can’t stop eating because we have an eating disorder”

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 9 months 前 修改。
    • #78412
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#12,
      my life is a fucking mess…
      anyhow, I will live it one day at a time.

    • #78418
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#14,
      2 weeks passed, looking ahead for a better future because the now is a fucking hell for me, today I got distracted from my issues by the work, I felt really good.
      but once I back home and stay alone all my demons start pops up. I can’t sleep without sleeping pills.

      I hope the future will be better.

    • #78431
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#15.
      in good mood, to be honest, I had a bad day, but I don’t know why I am feeling good.
      in the morning I had a car accident, then at work, I entered into verbal and email fights with one of my coworkers, and then another fight with another co-worker. afternoon things start getting better. I got what I need from the co-workers and I get the job done.
      I think my way of being very polite, being politically correct at work, avoiding conflict in the workplace is wrong and causing me to burn out.
      if by being a bit rude and enter in few conflicts will let me get things done and let me feel good then why not.

    • #137410
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      ………

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 7 months 前 修改。
    • #137411
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#15,
      I have relapsed one month ago and the relapse continues for 2 weeks, today is the 15th day since I started this recovery trial, anyhow I get used to these ups and downs, will see how long this time I will go.

      Good luck all.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 7 months 前 修改。
    • #141023
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1.
      here we go again. I am really tired from trying. but I have to keep trying there is no alternative.

    • #141124
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#3
      3 days of pushing the rock uphill again.

    • #141396
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#7
      the first week passed, depression and boredom are the main themes in my life these days.

      I have put a plan for saving and for debt repayment, I am using a different approach this time. I will focus more on saving and I will pay the debt slowly.

    • #141442
      joerdj
      參與者

      Wish you all the best !

    • #141493
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thank you Joerdj,
      Day#8,
      depressed not for the money that I lost but for the time that I lost, years of my life wasted for this addiction. I hope this is the end of it but, to be honest, I don’t think so. it is most likely “based on the previous relapses” at some point in the next 100 days I will relapse. as bad as it is, this is what “most likely” will happen.

      I know I sound very defeated, yes I am f***** defeated yes I am.
      relapsed 10 times or more in the past 2 years, piled up my debts again to almost the same level that I was 4 years ago. but what I can do! there is no other choice but to stand up and fight again even if I know that it is most likely I will fail.

    • #141548
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#9,
      I know there is no fast fix. and I know I have many many things that need to be fixed to live a normal life. but at least I have to be motivated and full of hopes but I am not. I am far away from that state of mind.
      today is really tough I am having terrible feelings that are not going away, my voice sounds like a defeated person’s voice, I feel the need to cray but I am not able to do so, I just need to reach home and sleep and I hope tomorrow will be better.

      does anyone tried medications?
      I watched this youtube video and I have started to think I should visit a psychiatrist and see what he can give me to help me in this recovery.

    • #141626
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#10
      two digits again, a bit motivated today because I see my weight loss plan is working fine and I start to notice the results, anyhow I need to stay on plan for the next 11 weeks to achieve the first goal.
      at least something is back to be on track.

    • #141702
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#11,
      things getting better but it is a very slow process.
      anyhow better than keep digging.

    • #142029
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#15
      2 weeks passed, the gambling hangover is fading.
      back to life to real life again.

    • #142069
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#16,
      today is my payday, it went well “so far”, I had a few urges to put some amount to trading but I managed to control them, the road blockers are in place if my willpower let me down as usual.

    • #142073
      ididit
      參與者

      Hi DE
      It’s been a while since I posted but I’m pleased to read that you are doing so well.
      I think a visit to a psychiatrist or addiction counsellor is a great idea. I have got my life together after many attempts and many years of the painful, shameful cycle. I couldn’t have done it on my own…I had an excellent counsellor to help me through the early months.

      You asked in an earlier post if anyone had tried meds? I tried NAC which has been shown to reduce gambling urges. It honestly worked for a while but made me feel so ill I could not face taking it.

      Another thing that helped me was mindfulness. I thought it was the biggest load of nonsense until I tried it.

      You are dealing with one of the most difficult days in the month- payday. Take credit for putting blockers in place. Once you get through this month next payday will look a lot brighter.
      I would suggest you treat yourself to something you would not normally buy yourself. For me it was a handbag or a piece of jewellery. It meant I could be reminded several times daily of what I was gaining by not gamblingand it also reminded me that i am worth spending my money on. We are worth it but somewhere along the way we forget that.

      Remember if you can do 16 days you can do 160!

    • #142571
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thank you Ididit for your kind words, glad to hear from you,
      I hope everything is going well.

      thanks for the advice I will try therapy and meditation, but to be honest I think I know what needs to be done.
      I think it is time to inform someone about my addiction and give him\her financial control.
      I have avoided this option for a long time because of the shame and the sadness that will bring to my loved ones but I think I have to do it if I need to stay away from gambling, I can’t do it alone.

      now I am thinking in “to whom” and “how-to “?

    • #142951
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      today is one the positive days:
      1. back to GYM again: it has been 125+ days since the last time I was in GYM, starting over is a step in the correct way.
      2. i had an urge to gambling, it came after reviewing my financial condition and as a freshly recovered gambler i am in a deep hole, so the first thought that came to my mind is I have to put a small amount and try to win something to be in a better condition, the same cycle of ill thinking, however I reasoned my way out of this cycle for today glad for that.

    • #143491
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      generally, I am optimistic, but on some days like today, I am feeling so sad and depressed. I just need to sleep and let this day pass hoping tomorrow will be better.

      I always was a competitive person, I was very successful at school and at work but this addiction put me years behind everyone. and I am in my mid-thirties and still not married, don’t have kids, this aspect causes me to try to rush things up, and rushing up didn’t work for the last 3 years. it has to be a slow and stable recovery.

      I always had these big ambitions: a better job, owning my own business…etc but I am feeling I have to admit that these are the cards that are in my hand now, and this is what life gave me. I have to play it as it is. it is not the best hand that I wish to have for this short life. but this is what I got, I have to play and I have to enjoy the game as well. even if I know that it is a losing game. I have to reduce my ambitions to make it look like a win.

      it is f**** depressing to look at it from my perspective as an atheist, I got this short life to live and then I will vanish forever as if this is not hard enough to deal with… I have added to the mix this f**** addiction!!!
      as I can see I am losing the game of life, the bar is getting lower and lower, and I am getting older, and it looks like I am walking in my place.

      I have to stop cursing the game and try to enjoy it using the few cards that I got.

      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 5 months 前 修改。
      • 該回覆由 Dark Energy 於 2 years, 5 months 前 修改。
    • #143671
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      feeling better compared to the day I wrote the above post.
      anyhow it is a long way but I have to walk on it step by step,
      hey future me! don’t rush your recovery, everything will get better, keep “not gambling” as your compass and you will reach a better place.

    • #143763
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      the next Tuesday is my payday, the urges started from yesterday, this month I will have a quite good extra amount considering all my monthly payments and expenses.
      it is a real test for my recovery I need to be prepared. if I fail it is back to square zero if I survive it is a step toward a better future.

    • #143765
      charles
      版主

      Sometimes we ive ourselves the best advice……

      “….but to be honest I think I know what needs to be done.

      I hope you can put something in place before payday.

      Getting banned/blocked from online gambling would also be another good step to take before Tuesday.

    • #143822
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Charles,
      you are absolutely right, I have to inform someone about my addiction and give him\her control over my finances.

      I have to do this step everything else is just a temporary fix for a permanent problem.

    • #143941
      ididit
      參與者

      Hi DE,
      You did sound quite low and panicked in your post. Yes you are in your mid-thirites (a mere baby) and you are worried about time running out. Once we kick addiction and time wasting activities we have so much time. Do u know I have an extra 10 hours every Saturday since I stopped drinking. (Not sure why I stopped .just decided the weekend hangovers weren’t working for me anymore(. I have probably en extra ten hours every day on top of that since I stopped gambling. Think of all the time you will have once the constant bug leaves your system.and u can think about normal things like buying clothes and going out.

      Just this morning I watched a video about the process being more influential than the goal. Its hard for us to let go of the need for instant success but here’s a link..see what you think.

    • #143952
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi IDidIt,
      yes, I was feeling very low on that day, I hope that kind of days will be fewer in the future.
      At this stage, I am so fragile the slightest thing can put me down. but things are getting better. last week got an unexpected salary increment and I am focusing more on work and GYM.
      anyhow I know everything will get better in the future if I stayed away from gambling.

      I like your idea of focusing on the process, not the goal. it makes sense.

      to be honest. I was about to relapse, it was just a matter of time.
      2 days ago I have re-activated my trading account the plan was to buy some crypto futures which is an ok thing to do if it is done without leverage. but it always starts with good intentions.
      opening an account to buy some crypto coins without leverage, and it always ends with margin trading and futures trading with high leverage. then everything will spiral out of control to a degree where I was about to sell my car 3 times in the past 4 months to be able to trade more or to cover my expenses for the rest of the month. “thankfully I still have the Car”.

      After reading your post and watching the video I have blocked my accounts again, your post and Charles’s post and going back to reading my old record woke me up. I know how this vicious cycle starts. If I started it again I will get the same result so NO I AM NOT GONNA DO IT THIS TIME.

    • #151388
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1
      I was about to start a new thread but I thought again and it is better to continue posing on this thread. no need to run away from my past I should learn from it keep it to remind myself of all these failed recovery trials.

      today is a new day free of gambling, and I am thankful for that, no big dreams this time, no big hopes of recovery, no big plans for the future, I need to keep it simple, just one day at a time and everything will be better. just I should not gamble.

    • #151431
      jvr3419
      參與者

      Hey dark energy I just read a few of your posts and wow it sounded so much like what I wrote about myself or feel sometimes. I to am in my mid thirties and at times feel like I’ve wasted my life sometimes. One thing I wanted to say is that I’ve been in recovery from other addictions for 10 years the majority of people ive met in NA or AA didn’t get there shit together till they were in there late 30s to early 40s. Most of them now have families and great lives which just started a bit later. There really is no time limit for when the whole kid and marriage and big goals in life happen. I definitely understand the lonliness factor its tough I’ve never been single till up to till a month and a bit ago and it sucks but it’s also refreshing because it’s hard losing yourself to the wrong person. Without fixing ourselves first we will always attract chaos it just goes hand in hand with addiction and unresolved trauma. I’m happy to read that your back on the recovery train and trying. You dont give up that’s the main thing. It takes alot of work to stay away from addiction especially gambling. Wishing you lots of strength through your journey.

    • #151441
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Jvr3419,
      thank you for your encouraging words, and I guess yes I am a bit late in many life aspects but I hope eventually I will catch up.
      the loneliness is a very sad part but I can’t bring anyone to this mess.
      and the question is to hide it in the beginning then break it down slowly ?? because who needs to get engaged with a gambling addict!!.

      a supportive partner is very helpful in recovery, especially for the part of controlling the access to money, but this is fine for those who become addicted after years of happy marriage, but for me how I will bring someone into this mess, Who will accept to marry a gambling addict!.
      then the second questing will be : Is it good to hide my addiction until I get marride, then break it down to her slowly. this was the plan 3 months ago I was in relation and I was about to propose to her but I have entered to gambling cycle that kept my mind busy and away from everyone, I was barely working, and I was not speaking to her and I didn’t respond to her calls because I was really down and that ruined everything. we have ended it before we start.

      anyhow I watched one SMART recovery video, the therapist was asking his patient what are your priorities in life, their answers were something like a family, work, …etc but no one put recovering from addiction as one of his priorities, he mentioned that recovering from addiction should be the first priority because addiction will ruin everything and you will not be able to achieve any of your goals or live a happy life.
      and he is damn right, in each cycle of relapse all my plans will be F up, I will start eating a lot of junk food with no exercise, in each relapse cycle that will continue 2 to 3 weeks I end up gaining 4 to 5 kg, my focus of work goes to 5% I bearly was able to work on the very very urgent things, my social life is down to zero, even speaking to my family will be like once a week instead of daily. everything will be F up once the cycle starts.
      and I guess this should be my focus, no big goals or hopes, just one goal being free of gambling and then everything will be better.
      today is Day#2 and I hope this count will continue to 1000 days, I guess such a period is what I need to catch up in life, and if I relapsed after that: I am ok, I can accept it. by then will have a good support system that will prevent a relapse from destroying my life.

    • #151453
      jvr3419
      參與者

      Hey again dark energy. I’ll be extremely blunt when I say this but if you have to ask whether or not to be honest in your relationship than you definitely are not ready for one yet. If you meet someone and keep from them that your a recovering addict that’s a huge betrayal. Now our past endeavors are our own issues however we are only as sick as our secrets. Every human has done something there not proud of in life. And us people that have had major addiction issues are not less than anyone else we just have had some very painful life experiences that lead us down a dark path. Any respectful human will no if your trying to be the best version of yourself that you are worthy of love and connection. You are right that until your addiction cycle is under control you should not be putting someone into the mix. You have to work on what’s keeping you stuck and find self-love first you owe yourself that.

    • #151469
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      hi Jvr3419, thanks for the blunt answer which is the right answer, I shouldn’t hide it, but I have to overcome this addiction first and once it is part of my past and I am in peace with that past then I will be ready for that move.

      DAY#3, one day at a time, my payday is close which is a huge trigger to relapse, but I am prepared for that.

    • #151542
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#4,
      it was one of the good days, I was completely focused at work, my mood is good, and motivated.

      Hi Kin,
      I am thinking about your post, and to say it moderately I didn’t get it and it sounds religious to me and I really have an issue with these religious-based views. yes, I love money, I love attention, and that makes me a normal human being who likes to be financially independent, who like to progress in life and achieve his best in life and I don’t see any issue with that.
      the problem is the way that I chose to achieve that, I have tried to do it through day trading, and that progresses to a gambling-like behavior.

      the fact having extra money on hand is a trigger to me as to many others who are addicted to gambling. and this is what I have mentioned about payday being a trigger to me.

    • #151603
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5,
      one more day in recovery,

    • #151669
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#6
      tomorrow is payday, the demons start popping up in my mind, and my mood completely changed today, I was motivated to work and focused on recovery, and today I was distracted thinking about trade ideas and how I could put some amount tomorrow to trade “gamble”.
      my roadblocks should save me tomorrow.

    • #151817
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#9.
      payday passed safely. focused at work today I will start going to GYM again.
      overall in good mood.

    • #151900
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#10
      2 digits again

    • #151926
      jvr3419
      參與者

      Congratulations Dark energy for hitting double digits glad to see your doing well.

    • #152253
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1 again.
      it is a small slip that didn’t impact me much but it is a slip. and I need to be honest with myself so it is day#1 again.

    • #152310
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#2,
      after a lot of thinking I have applied an additional road blocker that I think it will make a huge difference,
      for the last 8 months what facilitate my relapse was the P2P option in the broker account, I just need to do an instant wire transfer and the cryptocurrency will be in my account within 5 min, in forex I manage to control it by scratching all the cards to prevent the online deposit and it works for crypto as well until I figured out this P2P option.
      I have 4 accounts in different banks, two banks of them are very slow to add beneficiaries, and the wire transfer it will take 24hr so this will not be visible for P2P transactions. I am going to close one of the other two, and I have changed the password for the last account so I will be able only to withdraw money at the branch “I can’t close it because I have a loan with them”.
      now I have a really good gap between me and access to the online broker.

      I am really happy about this new roadblock and I wonder why I didn’t think about it before. I could have saved a lot of money and time that has been wasted on this addiction.

      I know it is not a final solution but it is a good step ahead.

    • #152360
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#3.
      Depressed to the max. Really in a very bad mood. The hopes that conmes with trading “gambling” are gone. and i am back to my real life trying to close every hole in this sinking ship and there are alot of holes.
      It is my only life and i refuse to looset to this addiction. When i will go i need to be broued that i have tried my best what passed is passed and i can’t do any thing to change it what is important ia now and the future.
      I need just a normal f life no big hopes or dreams but it seems even living a normal life is a big goal to achieve.

    • #152377
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      damn, I need this F day to end, I am feeling down, how did I dig this deep hole. how this addiction pulls me back to it time and time again.
      I have been here many times, full of hopes and motivation to start over but damn I can’t see any light in this tunnel this time, and how many days this recovery will last? a week? a month? then I will forget all this pain and back to gambling!!
      I am terrified today I had some thoughts about trading !!! I have relapsed 2 days ago!! and all the pain is still fresh in my mind, and I got these thoughts about trading this is too f early !! what will happen after a few weeks??

    • #152432
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#4,
      well, yesterday was a tough day mentally, I was so depressed, just I lay on my bed and watch a video after video about addiction. read some articles as well about addiction and recovery, until I calmed down after 8 or 9 hrs.

      Of the many videos that I watched yesterday a video about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) draws my attention below is a link describing it

      this is very informative if you know nothing about it google it or watch the Video it is good to be aware of it.

    • #152484
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5,
      still depressed but it is fading, maybe I will be back to normal in a week or two.

      2 days ago at my lowest point in this recovery trial, I read the posts that I wrote earlier after each relapse, it is full of pain, I got the idea to snapshot all these post with the post date and combine all of them I may need few pages I guess, I have relapsed many times, then I will print it out and bast it to the wall to remember daily all the pain that this addiction gave me, it could help me to overcome the urges once these withdrawal symptoms are gone.

    • #152499
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I have counted how many times I have relapsed in this thread I count 10 times from 4-May-2020 to 13-April-2022, and the actual number is more because there is some period that I didn’t post in and I remember a few relapses during that period also.
      I took the snapshots of these posts and some other painful posts and I am compiling them.
      but damn it is a very painful experience to read all these posts again.

    • #152556
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#5,
      I am feeling good today, got a lot of work done at work, and I had a good sleep yesterday.
      I think the withdrawal symptoms are faded away, now I have just to deal with the PAWS that will come from time to time.

      yesterday after combining all my relapses, I figured out that out of the last 7 years since I get hooked with this addiction cumulatively I lived only 2 to 3 years maximum, the rest was wasted in gambling addiction or depression after the addiction. no wonder I didn’t progress in life,

      I have relapsed on an average once every 45 days to 2 months, and the relapse will continue from a week to 3 weeks, followed by depression that will last for 1 week or 2 weeks, so roughly I can say for each month of the last 7 years I lived a week or 10 days maximum as a functional human being. and it is even worst than that because for that 1 week to 10days I will be suffering financially from the losses that will prevent me from living normally.

      given the above, I am not wondering why I didn’t progress in life or work or any aspect of life, how you can do any progress if you are living in such a cycle for all these years.
      I am really glad that I didn’t lose my job during that period.

    • #152563
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      oh today is Day#6 not 5, lool

    • #152601
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#7,
      the first week is passed.
      I am glad that my mood is good today as well and I am focused at work, I am enjoying the small rewarding feedback that comes from work.
      I hope the rest of my days to be like today, living normally without the tension of gambling, without the complete separation of reality that the gambling will put me in “I call it a gambling coma, for days or weeks I will be just in a coma all what I am doing is gambling”, and without the depression that comes after the game is over.

      gambling relapse and without the

    • #152667
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#8,

    • #152709
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#9,
      today is the 1st day of my weight loss plan, in general, everything is calm and stable, and my mood is good.
      as long as I am not relapsing everything will be better. but it takes time. it is 7 years of addiction and recovery trials it is not possible to overcome all of that damage in days or months even, I think 2 to 3 years would be a realistic period.

    • #152723
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      this is inspiring from addict to millionaire

    • #152769
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#10,
      2 digits again, I am busy in my life, indifferent to gambling, I love this state of mind, being normal, focusing on my life, not worried about the market going up or down.

      I hope this trial will last for a long time because I really need 2 to 3 years of abstinence to sort my issues out.

    • #152771
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Money, let’s talk about it. because I believe we have the same issue.

      with money, I always end up in this loop.
      A. after a gambling relapse, I will lose every penny that I have access to.
      B. being in that condition will trigger all my insecurities, what if I lost my job, what if I get sick or a family member gets sick, alongside with the insecurities comes the hopes and dreams, I need to move to a better house, I need to get married, I need to grow up financially.
      C. as a fast solution I will take a loan, either to keep it as an emergency saving or to arrange my financial situation like combining loans or buying a car, or use that money for investment ..etc
      D. and I end up with some good amount of money under my control, and this will trigger the urge to trade, what if I put 1000$ into my trading account.. and we all know the result. I will back again to point A, and the loop continue.

      I need to break this loop.

    • #152851
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#11,

    • #152971
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#12,
      get extra money on hand, but it didn’t trigger any urges yet, the additional blockers that I add this time are working fine, busy at work fully engaged.
      things are moving in the right direction.

    • #153007
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#13,
      all going well, I hope the count will continue, my work performance and focus are increasing and my self-esteem is increasing as well.

    • #153086
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#14,
      Two weeks passed, and today I had some urges to trade again but the barriers helped me.
      Overall everything looks fine and looking forward to the 3 weeks mark.

    • #153121
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#15,
      I was about to relapse in the last two days, but the barriers saved me,
      very glad that I didn’t relapse, today could have been the 1st day again and the cycle could have been continued.

      I find a new way of saving money and protecting it from my gambling, so I am having extra saved and protected money for the rainy days. the barriers are working fine, I bought a good laptop, and a new comfortable mattress, happy for spending and happy for the saving. and happy to starve my addiction until it dies.

    • #153145
      jvr3419
      參與者

      Hi dark energy for some reason I can’t see your posts on here but I hope your well and just wanted to let you no im routing for ya 😊

    • #153176
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Hi Jvr,
      thank you for the support, the recovery is going fine so far, the depression is gone, I am fully engaged with work,
      this time I have applied new barriers and methods to protect my money and it is working so far.
      after passing the first true test to my recovery in the past 3 days, I am quite optimistic at this stage that this recovery will last more than the previous trials.
      I hope you are doing well in your recovery, wish you all the best.

      And Today is Day#16, a day without addiction, I don’t care if it is a happy or a bad day but in both cases, I can enjoy it or handle it better without the burden of gambling.

    • #153233
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#17,
      all going well so far, happy and motivated to change, and I am dealing with everyday challenges at work with a clear mind, I can imagine how worse the thing could be if I am in a relapse.

    • #153255
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I have this panic about the amount of debt that I have, and how long I need to pay it back. this addiction put me in a very deep hole.
      there is nothing I can do now or in the next few weeks, to make the situation better, I have just to stay free of gambling and focused on work and I hope the snowball effect of positive things will bring some solutions to me in the future. but as I can see it now I am in a very dark tunnel with no light and I don’t know should I Walk to the front or to the back.

    • #153291
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#18

    • #153292
      velvet
      版主

      Hi DE

      In answer to your question, definitely the front – you know what lies behind you.

      Use what is behind you as reference only, a stimulus to drive you on – there is no need to return to it.

      Willing you on to happier days with light all around you because I know you can do it.

      Velvet

    • #153361
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      thanks Velvet for your support, and as you wrote the only way is fowrward.

      today is Day#19, still motivated to change,

      I have just registered in the GYM, this will kill some of my free time and will help my weight loss plan and overall health, my last visit to the GYM was in December 2021.

      the relapse disrupts everything in my life including my weight, two years ago when I had a 6 months period free of gambling I managed to reduce 20+ kg and I almost reached my perfect weight, 2 years later and after a series of relapses ( I relapsed more than 11 ), I gained all that weight back.

      anyhow, it is a new day free of gambling with new steps in the right direction.

      hope you all the best.

    • #153363
      Dark Energy
      參與者
    • #153365
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      I have a technical issue and I don’t know where to raise it so I will raise it here and I hope one of the Admins can direct it to the concerned team.

      my journal is showing 84 pages, but the last page here is 23,
      so if someone clicked on page 84 it will show him an empty page, I have to go to page 1 then I will see the correct number of pages which is 23 then move to that page.

      I hope this can be fixed,

    • #153440
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#20,
      glad to reach this number, and I am very happy that I am breaking the cycle this time.

    • #153587
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#21,
      3 weeks passed,

    • #153771
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#0
      I can’t do it alone…

    • #153813
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#1
      I have to inform someone. I can’t do it alone.

    • #153871
      Dark Energy
      參與者

      Day#2
      I had money, I had a long 5 days holiday, and I was sick in bed so nothing I can do. and it took 10 min to break my barriers
      time+money+ access to broker = relapse.
      and this is what happens.

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