[sam.sam]

Hi,
My name is Sam. I am trying to help myself by coming here and listening to you all and share my experiences of gambling life. I have been gambling for more than 15 years. Started with casino roulette and after self excluding myself from casino, years ago, found myself in bookies, playing on machines.
I have no job, suffering from anxiety and depression, and worst than all, have forgotten how to think, and how to live a normal life. Sometimes I feel that I no longer know what is the meaning of a normal life. All I remember is that I used to be able to cope with ups and downs of life and take it even if it was painful, but now for any small excuse I would give myself a reason to go and gamble. Some people who cared to tell me, said that I was punishing myself, and that they didn’t know why.
I have not been to bookies for the last 4 days as i lost all my money and borrowed money to get the next payment from social. I have not been out of my place for the last two days, and staying in bed most of the day. Today I came to the chat room here and got some advice and help from the admin. Hopefully this is the beginning for me here to start recovery from this addiction. Thanks, and good luck to all of you. Sam

[dave_gma]

Hi Sam,

I’m pleased you followed up on our chat in the group last evening and have posted your story. Keep reading and writing on here and join any groups that you can. Good luck with the phone call today….

Dave

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[janey1]

Hi Sam

Great to *meet* you today, keep building on those 7/8 days of being gambling free. remember you are STRONG and capable of beating this.

Come back soon.

Janey

[charles]

Hi Sam,it was good to meet you in the group. You asked about posting so i thought I’d bump this up for you. To keep your “thread” running just type in the “Comment” box at the bottom and click on save. that way your journal, thoughts and feedback all stay in the same place and is easy fro both yourself and others to follow. Keep posting and see you again in a group soon.

[sam.sam]

Hi Dave. Thanks for all the help. Until just now I did not see any of these comments. I do not know how I missed them. I was browsing the site and came here by accident. Good place to be.

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much Harry. I am sure having you all here will be a big help for my recovery. I will do as you said and try to come here often and write more about my situation.

[sam.sam]

Hi Charles, Thank you very much for the message. without your help I would not know how to reply to others. take care and I will hopefully see you again in the group.

[sam.sam]

I should thank all the people in here for their support. It has been two weeks since last time that I gambled. As you all are familiar with the feelings, I was so depress that I would not want to talk to any one or see any one. As I don’t have a job I had all the time to beat myself up for what I had done, day and nights, at the same time, almost knowing (from past experiences) that if the time comes I may do that again. So I decided to come here and feel safe. To learn from others who have beaten this habit and have a better life now. I will not gamble today. That is all I know for now. thank you all again.

[sam.sam]

I am still drowning in my childhood times and still have not learned how to swim. I can remember about that time as far back as when I was 3 years old. I remember being walked over at night when I was asleep, and hearing my mother saying to my father ” children are asleep “. I remember my mother with broken, bloody forehead, thanking my father sarcastically for what he has done. I remember Him most of the time coming at night drunk and creating a big mess. He was alcoholic. day time working in an office and after that at 5.00 pm going directly to pubs and start drinking until late. I was growing up suffering from nightmares, sleep walking on the edge of the roof, even opening the door and going in to street. More or less it was the same for me and family until I was 8-9 years old. when I was 12 years old he died of heart failure at home. He was not drinking any more for the last few years of his life. Now my older brother is responsible as the oldest ” man ” in the family. But guess what, he suffered the same situation for too long and as he was older he was more involved in my fathers actions and reactions, drinking, fighting at home, the list goes on…He was now supposed to be the man, 21 years old, working day time and spending evenings chasing girls and dressing up to go to street meeting his friends. Where am I now ? at this time i was his punching bag. For any small bit I did wrong, coming home a bit late, talking to some friends he didn’t like, I was becoming a way of him releasing his anger that he kept for so long inside him. Now I know, even I do not like to admit, but I know he had a deep dark hole in his memory full of hatred and unsatisfactory thought. I was controlled by him until when i was about 14-15 when i got fed up and when he started shutting at me and coming towards me I punch him, and there he was sitting and screaming, not because I had caused him pain but as he realized that I was not a child any more and he has gone for too long . Now thinking about that time, I feel sorry for him. I feel very tired thinking about the past. what a huge book I have reopen and read again. … my life …to be continued. one day at a time. today I did not gamble. tomorrow i find another way to keep busy without thinking about gambling.

[p]

firstly well done on not gambling that is fantastic :)… next is you have gone through a lot in your life and have you ever considered counselling. it is great to be able to talk to someone and tell them of your past and they can listen in a safe environment. It really is so beneficial . Have you looked at the Gamblers anonymous meetings yet? Do all you can to help yourself at this time. Now is the time to put things in place to prevent you from gambling again . So glad you are not gambling, really, well done!!

P

[sam.sam]

Thank you Shuller, I have always knew there are things in my past that still harming me. thing that we member of the family never talked about them again for such a long time. there are reasons why my brothers got married so late and did not want to start their own family. now that I am a bit free of gambling thought, these are coming up, at night and early mornings as I wake up. I can feel that whole night been arguing, and some times wake up tearful, not knowing why. I now know that I have to talk about them, so I feel free. Thank You Shuller, I will read the link you left for me.

[sam.sam]

Dear P,
I would go for counseling, as I feel I need that now. I need to empty my thought and not to let this addiction use that against me. I am very angry inside, but never been and never will show that to any one, and that is the problem I have. I must deal with that as soon as I can. tonight i cried after such a long time. It was a release. thank you all for your help. you are great.

[monique]

I have been reading your story and am so glad you are writing about your memories and feelings. It can be a great release and a means of learning acceptance and new understanding.
Dreams help to ‘work things out’ too – we may not always understand what is going on when we dream, but often parts of our ‘inner world’ are finding some sort of resolution while we are in those states of unconsciousness and semi-consciousness.
I think Shuller has brought up some very interesting ideas about the plasticity of the brain. No one would say it is anything quick and easy, but gradually a lot of ‘re-wiring’ can be done, when you talk things out with an accepting and caring ‘other person’. Counselling can help in that way as well as other people who are prepared to really listen to you – and talking in the groups and writing on here can also be part of that process.
Wishing you well.
Monique (Gambling Therapy Team)

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thank you for your support. Yes I think I need to study myself again to learn more about my behaviors. Towards that, as you said I need to be here and write and also counselling. At the moment I am still in my shell safe guarding myself, but I am sure by helps available here I will be all open and ready to change completely. Tank you again.

[p]

I was so pleased to read you are going to start counselling.. that will be fantastic especially when you are going through all these feelings so will be of great benefit. Congrats on the gamble free time. Keep going.

P

[sam.sam]

Thank you P.

[sam.sam]

Monday Eve, around 5 o’clock, I went to bookies, slot machine. I started again. My own mistake. kept money at home for too long. I paid my gas and electricity and paid towards my rent, didn’t buy any food …just went playing. came home and No matter how much I wanted to write in here I was feeling ashamed of myself and promises I made. So I took my sleeping pills and was in bed until today 5 pm. what a life..the same journey again and in two weeks time, the evil wakes up again, and again.. I am not angry. I am just wondering how come I am scare that I have to go on for two weeks without any money, sleeping all the time so time passes so quickly and in two weeks time starting again and again. I was thinking to safe guard myself again and this time harder, by putting a photo in my pocket and any betting shop I saw get in and fill a form..it makes me sick being out of control. Another Christmas is coming and I feel another year passed with no achievement in life. I am still in the same place with the same thoughts and as weak as last year. I am thinking may be I could use these two weeks without money to use the time I have to plan some thing ahead for the time I get some money in hand. What shall I do differently this time…I am sorry that I could not stay in tune with my recovery. I can not concentrate and I don’t know what to write about. Tomorrow I start my recovery again. One day at a time.

[monique]

You do know what to write about and you have just written about it – ie your struggle and your sense of regret and loss right now. It is good that you have been able to share this. The addiction does not willingly give up its grip on you, but today’s ‘failure’ does not have to be repeated nor determine your future.

What can you learn from this? What more do you need to do to prevent this happening? What other support do you need?

Look after the part of you that truly longs for a gambling-free life and do all you can, with the help of others, to nurture that part of you.

Can you get to live groups?

Wishing you well,

Monique

[Dunc]

Hey SamSam

Like you I’ve been through the programme, and whilst I can understand you feel ashamed I see this post in a really positive light, it’s nothing to be ashamed of if anything it’s something you should be proud of after all how often in the past would you have admitted this so fast and made it so public.

You use the word Relapse, Sam this isn’t a relapse, It’s a pure slip or a lapse nothing more nothing less. To me slips can serve 2 purposes. Ignore it and continue making the same mistakes and then it becomes a relapse or as I read it, use it as a lesson and put barriers in place both mental and physical to ensure that this doesn’t happen again… and you’ve said you’re doing that so this has been a lesson, maybe an expensive lesson, a painful lesson but never the less a lesson that so many of us learned from and then moved on to form a solid recovery .

Sam what can you do now, well you could mope about and feel sorry for yourself, but in my opinion that would be unfounded or as you’ve said you could start to make plans on future safe guarding. Get the self-exclusions in, find someone to help you control your finances, talk to Dave, Get involved with more support group be it GT, GA etc

A few lines I want to pick up on

• What shall I do differently this time, how about using this journal to help you look at what you missed, what you didn’t do and what you can do now to stop this situation happening again

• Another Christmas is coming and I feel another year passed with no achievement in life… Really I’d say that writing this post and accepting you need to do more is probably a lot more than you did last year, and also a tough post to write… is this an achievement?

• Tomorrow I start my recovery again. One day at a time. This one to me is possibly the most important parts of your post, your knocking yourself for learning, would a child get a detention for making a mistake on their maths homework… no, they get help to get it right next time, would a child who made a mistake at school go down a class, No… the same applies here Sam, You’ve made an error of judgement which led to a pure and simple slip, are you back at day one? in my opinion you’ve taken a step forward in your recovery and not backwards, and for that I for one congratulate you on your courage and determination

The easy part is to beat yourself up, not only would that be unwarranted it’s not going to help although it could stop you concentrating on today . Sam be proud of yourself, get these extra measures in place, make some calls but please don’t beat yourself up for learning a lesson

Take Care

Harry

[sam.sam]

Thanks Monique. Here is the only place that I feel people understand what I am going through. I have to find some one to help me with my money, and some where to go and fix the way i think, counseling. I guess it should be Game care as i live in London. All I am doing these days is sleeping whole day, and by the time I am awake all the life groups are closed. I have to start to plan it so I can attend these groups. Thank you so much Monique for being here.
Sam

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much Harry for being here and your supporting message. Reading your text I already feel better. It is true that I can learn from this mistake and plan the future more carefully. I have to learn to live in today, and for today. This is the problem I am facing. I am either in the past or worrying about future. Worrying what other people think and say. I need to follow your advice Harry. I need to make myself stronger by placing more barriers and finding some one I can trust to help me. I feel like I am talking to you right now, and do not like to end the conversation. But I feel If I do continue, I am just repeating myself. Let me Thank you again for value able advice and care . One day at a time, and I will progress. Sam

[desdemona]

Hi SamSam! One of the biggest things I have learned in the almost 3 years I’ve been working recovery is: Progress not perfection, and One Day at a Time. If recovery had required perfection, I wouldn’t be here. Slips can be valuable learning lessons. They teach us when we are most vulnerable to gamble so that we can safeguard ourselves in the future. I had many slips in my recovery, but I’m still battling forward, a day at a time. I’m sorry that you have no money and haven’t bought groceries. Are you going to be OK? Do you have family/friends/social service organization/food bank that can help you out with that for the next couple of weeks? There is real hope that you can live in recovery and have a different life for yourself. You will get back the coping skills you used to have, and develop new skills to deal with everyday life, if you stay in recovery. If you fall, get right back to recovery. This is a disease that requires support from others to arrest. Carole

[sam.sam]

Hi Carole. Thank you for your advice. It is great to have friend like you here. I can manage for these two weeks. I am sure I will not die. Some times I feel the demon inside me does not want me to die, he wants me alive so he can use me. But in reality I will survive this week and hopefully I will not make the same mistake. You are right and good to know that perfection is not what I should be looking for now, but progress. I have never looked at it this way. thank you It was very important point. One day at a time. I start again.

[sam.sam]

I was reading in the forum and came to the name of a movie and tried to search it in Google. Strangely I found that Google search took me straight to our recovery journal and I could read all the comments and so on. Is that normal, and it should be like this?
This is what I typed in Google” (“big steve” Was about a person in throes of his compulsive gambling and how he found GA”)

[Dunc]

Hi Sam

Your find that the majority of forums are open, in other words you don’t need to be a member to read them.

When a site is designed, especially a site that is there to support people it’s also designed to be found via search engines, this is why we advise members not to use their real names as their user names as stated in our privacy policy.

In short yes the site is acting as it was designed to do, just like most websites.

What we can ensure you is this, This site is 128 bit encrypted and no personal information provided by users of this website will be given or sold to a third party, eg the information within your registration is completely safe and only visible to a few members of staff. Also information in groups is not accessible to the web crawlers from Google and other search engines and will not be found in cyber space.

Basically what you can see when not logged in is what a web crawler can collect and use to build up a search engines results

I hope this answers your question

Kind Regards

Harry

[sam.sam]

Hi Harry. Thank you for your reply. Yes it did answer my question. I understand It is for the best.
Thank you,

[sam.sam]

Today I was supposed to contact gamcare to see if i can get counseling appointment, so I can get real in supporting myself. I have not yet. Today I have received a letter from dwp that my benefit had been stopped. I phoned them and they said they will send me a form to complete and see what they can do. I was already waiting for my appeal tribunal and thought they will wait until then. I feel nervous. I do not know why when some thing like this happens instead of becoming more active and looking for permanent solution, I would get depress and run in to bed and hide in my room. I feel cold and hopeless. I would not eat and feel very lonely. I am tired of these feelings.

[monique]

You have reached out to write here, so you have done something positive. You describe your very painful feelings. Try not to beat yourself up about all the things you feel you have not done/achieved. Have you got anyone else you can talk to during the weekend? – so you do not feel so lonely? And post on here again, so that you at least express your feelings rather than bottling them all up on your own.
You have been through a great deal in the past and just this week you have felt bad about slipping back to the old ways. Can you think about those days when you remained gambling free and hold on to what you achieved then? Today, even though it seems so hard, you can get there again.
But keep reaching out to get support; don’t try to hide away, even if that is what you feel like.
You were able to pick up the phone and speak straight away about your benefits – focus on following through with that when the forms come and the offices re-open after the weekend.
Can you think about the kind of life you want to lead and about the steps, even the tiniest starting steps, you need to take to make that possible. Like making that counselling appointment …
It’s not easy, but you now know you do not want to stay where you have been.
Keep posting and use any groups you can get to.
Best wishes,

Monique

[p]

Hang in there and dont give up. Its easy to give up, keep on going here and keep on posting and getting your thoughts out. it really does help. You have a connection here to people who understand. Just try again with the counselling appointment, just keep trying until you get one. If you dont get one today try again tomorrow.. as the days go by and the more gamble free time you have the better you will feel, just give it some time.. you have support here, dont hide away

P

[sam.sam]

I am really thankful for the support you are giving me. I was feeling trapped at home and confused, even about going out for a walk. I came here and saw your messages, P and Monique, And felt how good it feels to have some one who cares. I already feel a bit better. yesterday and today I haven’t been able to go out as I was feeling very low in spirit. I may go later tonight for a walk and come back to tidy up my flat. so On Monday I can feel better and go after some thing positive. I am always worry. It is a bad habit that I have to work on. I want to start to work on my memory and learning. I have this dream to go to university again and study and get a degree. I borrowed some algebra books from library to study, but still have not started. tomorrow, to go to My GP, and ask for another sick note, find some one to help me with my appeal, and tribunal against dwp. I feel nervous, but It will pass. Tomorrow I think about all the worries, let it go today. I did not feel like gambling today. thanks to all of you here.

[p]

Sam that is really great that you are thinking about studying. What a great thing to do to get your mind on to something else and how useful that would be.
I worry a lot too, i use the serenity prayer from GA a lot. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes i say this over and over and i really think about what is in my control and what isn’t. If it is something i cannot control then i have to try to let it go and let be what will happen. if it is something i can control then i try to look at what small steps i can take to help toward the situation or make it a bit better. it is hard to let go some days but i just find that this helps. keep going sam on this journey, you are not alone here.

P

[sam.sam]

Hi P. I have been thinking about studying for a long time. My guess is that being occupied with this addiction kept me back from doing anything positive for myself. Hopefully this time with the help I am getting I would do it differently. Thanks for the prayer. I will try that, it sounds good to repeat that at the time when life seems unfair. Thanks p for being here.

[sam.sam]

Yesterday I got some money and surprisingly I was thinking logically, trying to do thing differently. I called a friend and gave him the money and spend only some on food. now it has been a week since I last placed a bet. all this week I was awake at night and today strangely I woke up at 9 in the morning. I guess my subconscious was thinking, I have money so can take me to betting shop…I am glad I could surprise him, that there is no money for him. I do not want to feel like before any more. borrowing money and feeling so down. feeling so embarrass in front of people and family when they ask you if you want to go out for a coffee.I can think more clearly today. although the general anxiety still here with me but I feel better today. I was thinking I never wanted a lot from my life. before I start gambling, my life was going to college, preparing for university and had a part time job. I was really happy, and could put the worries aside while doing my day to day responsibilities. Then when I could not renew my visa, and ordered to leave the country, I started to feel worry and could not continue with my course, left the job, and was advised by a friend to see a GP. From there the sleeping pills, anti depression and illness started. I would not leave my room for days. All I remember that I went and stayed in a friend house, and him seeing me like that, ask me to go to casino with him. I went not knowing what is going to happen there. I was hooked from the day one. I was on £40 a week state benefit and I would play all of that and then start to borrow money to live on. before that I would never ask for money from any one, not even ask for a cigarette. But I guess it is one of the main causes of gambling or addiction, that would search inside you and find the best part of you and focuses on destroying that part of you. what every you believe that is not a good thing to do, It would makes you do that. You become your own worst enemy. What a life. After my situation with home office was sorted out, I was not myself any more. I was not the person who had a view of the future. I was lost, I did not know what I want and where I want to be. I was a gambler nothing more. a person who has nothing in his mind but gambling. I have not been stable enough to keep a relation ship for more that a year. Now I feel so tired. Even if I do not gamble, still so hard to cope. I have to change my belief and the way I think. Only then I would feel comfortable with myself. I need to work hard On my emotional feelings. The past and now. One day at a time, the best option possible for me now. will not gamble today.

[sam.sam]

Today I have done two positive things. I have contacted the Broadway, and asked them to help me with my benefit situation, and waiting for them to contact me. then I called my GP and asked them for a sick note, which will be ready in two days. And also wrote a letter(emailed)my GP explaining how I feel generally and asking him to help me. For me(the gambler me) this few steps was so difficult to take. I was feeling I do not have any right to ask for help, I was feeling all I am doing is gambling and do not deserve help. I have to change that way of thinking. I was thinking I should be very selfish to consider myself as some one who needs help. But now I feel I really need help to be in the right place and get all the help I need. am I becoming selfish. As a child, and as a teenager I was denied all the emotional support that I needed. Not because they did not love me but because they were not aware of what they are doing. Or maybe they were too busy making a living and dealing with other problems, and emotional level of support got lost in order to fulfill the financial support. I am sure that I have dis satisfaction in my bone for what happened then, or what that did not happened. I hope I will be strong enough to forgive them, change what I can today, and do not think about what that can not be changed. live for today, with out gambling addiction. Today I have done something that made me happy, and the day still young. thank you all for being here.

[sam.sam]

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson

[sam.sam]

Simple does not mean easy!

Success comes from intentional daily effort

We have been discussing one of life’s simple solutions. Life has many simple solutions. This simple solution is to change your experience of life by changing you reaction. Life acts. You react. Choose your reaction. The simple solution is to change the way that you think.
This solution is simple in the way that many of life’s other simple solutions are simple. For example, weight loss is simple. You only have to do two things which anyone can understand. To lose weight all you have to do is: (1) to eat less and (2) to exercise more. This is the essence of simplicity. If, however, you have ever tried to lose weight then you know that it can be extraordinarily difficult. What is simple is not always easy. Simple does not mean easy. The simple solution of changing your reaction to life by choosing what you think is very difficult. To accomplish it requires what every other simple solution requires and that is – discipline. The discipline of intentional daily effort is needed. You must choose to do it and you must do it every day. If you want to lose weight then you choose to diet and exercise daily. Stop for a while and progress stops.

In choosing your reactions to life you must observe yourself everyday. You strive to catch your negative thinking as it starts so you can reprogram it. Do it everyday whether you want to or not. Do it long enough and it becomes a habit. With the self discipline of a habit you avoid the repetitive holes in the sidewalk of life. You are in charge of you and life goes better. Remember: Pay attention to what you think. Look out for the holes in the sidewalk

[Dunc]

Hey Sam

Thanks for posting this, It reminded me of a saying

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny”

The above saying has been a part of my recovery for years, we do have the ability to control our destiny, we have the ability to control our recovery. No One said it would be easy, but it’s worth it

Take Care

Harry

[sam.sam]

Hi harry, that also is a good one, and I like it. What I liked about the other one was that, it breaks that down to a very simple question, do you want, if yes, then this is the way…. work on yourself if you think it is difficult, and believe that, it is, do able. we need to practice.
take care Harry,
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Hi. Today is another day without Gambling. I woke up feeling better. not so depress or angry with myself, made a coffee and checked the post, and here I am. opening this page makes me feel that I am not alone anymore and have some good friend with here and I have not only responsibility to myself but towards them. It helps me to feel better. take care all.
Sam.

[finding_laura]

Dear Sam,

I am so very glad that you found this place. Where the seed of recovery and a new life gets planted 🙂 Now that we know that a meaningful sane life IS possible once again… we will never forget that. This is a place where sharing of knowledge and awareness in a caring environment is the beginning 🙂

I want to thank you for your posts. I’ve been a member of this site for over 6 years with the last 4 plus years clean. They taught me something new today, new thoughts about recovery and what my new life means to me. I am grateful that the sharing of knowledge and feelings is a two way street between those newly working on their addiction and those that have some time under their belt. Thank you for sharing your story. Laura 🙂

[sam.sam]

Yesterday I spent most of the time filling up my employment and support form, thinking today I will go to GP and get my sick note and send them today by post. Guess what I woke up 5 in the afternoon, the GP closes today at 1 o’clock. I was so angry and thought about what is happening to me. I am acting like I am an addict..then I told myself: hey slow down, what the h..ll you are talking about!? you are an addict, do you think you should be on hero..n, or Cr..k to consider yourself as an addict? Over the years your addiction been changing you bit by bit, eating away your moral, personality, and your brain. You are not the same person. You need time to change your brain reactions towards your feelings. you need help and time to know what way of thinking is right and what is wrong. I am to get help soon. I can not do it alone. even though I am not feeling like gambling, but other thing in life is going wrong and I am sure it is to do with my wrong planning. Tomorrow I will try differently.

[sam.sam]

At last I did fill a self referral form and send it to national problem gambling at soho. I think they understand what we are going trough and are able to help. most of my worries are after stop gambling. I have been there and I know that i will fall apart facing the reality of my life. even simplest thing like finding a job and coping with money management. I have to learn all again, and I can not do it alone. It makes me scared just thinking about that. So I guess I have taken the first step. take care all.

[sam.sam]

I am glad to hear from you. very nice to see that you are here to support us when we are not sure where we are or what to do. As you said It always helps to know that there people here that have been trough the recovery and they have been successful. I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your 4 years of success in beating this habit. Weldon
sam.

[sam.sam]

Today I went to My GP. And that is the road near one of the betting shop. I could hear my gambling side whispering in to my ear, just a little bit money, just one small bet….I started talking loudly with myself answering him…oh devil you are still there, I jump into my GP and sat there for a while until I felt better, came out and on the way back again it started making me confuse, making me remember the chances that i have to go with £10 and may make to £200. my god, thanks to Charles. he told me don’t think about what you don’t have, think about what you have. Only thinking that way I remembered I have £40 in my pocket now. And that is not a dream or wish, I have it. So i rush toward the post office, passed 3-4 betting shop on my way, but I knew I am myself now. I was not nervous. I thanked Charles in my heart that gave me a very good Idea. It worked. I came back home safe. I was late for 12 o’clock open session gambling therapy, but tonight I will be there. I am amazed how I manage to do it, but I am glad I did it. Thank you all for being here and sharing.

[monique]

I have not been on this site for a day or 2 and have just caught up with your posts. They make good, interesting reading. I can see you struggling, but also making progress and learning how to deal with things in a better way for yourself. That is an inspiration. It helps you to write these posts and it will also help and encourage others.
I continue to think of you and wish you well as you take these new steps day by day.
Best wishes,

Monique

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thanks for reading my journal, and for giving me hope and making me stronger towards my recovery.
Best wishes for you and all of us.
Sam

[sam.sam]

It has been 12 days more or less, that I have been clean. Although all my worries still are on top of my head, but I can feel that I have a clearer understanding of my real difficulties. It would help me in my recovery to, not to be too worry about what I don’t have, but to concentrate on what I can do, with what I have, to make life easier on myself and people I love. For quite some times opening my windows to the fresh air was making me sick. Today I welcomed the fresh air in my room and quite enjoyed, breathing in the goodness of Oxygen in my lung.
I am still taking the baby steps within my recovery days, but am happy that I can see and feel the affect on my anxiety level and the way I feel talking to other people. I am more confident, my mind is clearer. I do not sit and blame anybody or myself for what happened in the passed, but looking forward to what life has to offer me in the future.
Today is a better day without the gambling behaviors.
One day at a time.
Sam.

[finding_laura]

Glad you made it past temptation and took the next rights step. All we can do is surround ourselves with support, knowledge and the desire to just do the next right thing. Sometimes it seems so hard these tasks that we must take on to make our life better. But just as our gambling days and decisions added up to a hellish disaster, gamble free days and healthy decisions add up to a better life. We are not perfect in recovery but we can progress. Some days I would look at not losing and ground as progress! When you are hanging on tight 🙂 Enjoy the fresh air, that too is progress! Take care Sam!

[sam.sam]

Thank You Laura.
You are right. If it was not for the support I get from people here, writing on this forum, and learning that there are help available, I would not pass this days, and for sure I was in the hell of anxiety . I am looking in to future, only because I have hope that in the dark moment of my recovery, you are showing me the way to a better days. I hope That with your help and advice Ill be able to make a different and build a better tomorrow. One day at a time without gambling behavior. Thanks.
Sam.

[monique]

Hi Sam – I hope you are continuing well. You have been having some good conversations with others on this forum and I hope this gives you the courage and hope to move in the right direction day by day.
Monique

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thank you for your message. Yes I am getting a lot of support here. I feel If it was not for attending here, I would have been gambling or planing that. Here gave me the opportunity to sit and think about how I feel and re-live some of my past experiences. With the hope that I have a better relation with myself. When I was gambling I had this feeling that some power within me is punishing me. Now I am not angry any more, there for less urge for gambling. One day at a time. I am not gambling today. Here I feel safe, and am sure that I will not be judged, There for I talk about how I feel. It helps a lot. Thanks for being here.

[icandothis]

Hi Sam, I couldn’t sleep tonight. I read through your thread. I just wanted to congratulate you on all your gamble free days and the progress you are making on your recovery. Little steps taken each day make a huge difference. I really need to try to get some sleep. I’ll say a quick prayer for you as well as for everyone here. Peace, faith, hope, one good decision, one positive thought, one positive emotion, one positive action…

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much for your kind message. I need all of you around me if I am to succeed. As you said it is all about small steps towards recovery. I feel better today. One day at a time. Today is my gambling free day. This is my day to enjoy. God bless you.

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much for your support. It could be a lot more difficult if it was not for the support I get from you in here. One day at a time is helping me to know that, today is the most important day of my life, as it can lead to a better place and another good, gambling free day. I am grateful for your help and support. God bless you. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Happy New Year to all of you, my friends. I have not gone out for the last two days. I did not see any motivation to go out. And the worst is that I am not even doing any thing positive sitting behind the computer the whole day and night. I am so worry and scare of the future. When I stop gambling it just comes rushing in to my mind. I do not know how can I support myself now. Being in recovery and not gambling, I feel some how ashamed of being on benefit from state, at the same time can not think of any thing. I am fighting with them over something that I do not want to be fighting. I want a job, but I want to be able to support myself. I do not want to rush into a situation that put so much pain and pressure that make me back in to the gambling habit. I am so tired of thinking and not reaching to any result. Why I never learned to get on with life without any anxiety. No plans, no instruction, in my life. I wish I had a mentor knowing all about me and tell me every day what to do, until I learn to deal with my internal feelings, being scare of every thing. I feel so tired mentally. I cant show my feelings. I feel numb. Its like I automatically switch of and turn my face the other way. It is bad. it makes me feel unable to deal with situation naturally. God help me. I go to bed now. to forget.

[monique]

Good morning, Sam. I hope you slept well and feel a little refreshed. It sounds like you went into a very ‘low’ period in the past few days. In your previous posts you had seemed more resilient and I am sure that resilience and one-day-at-a-time determination will return. Do you think this anxious, sad time has been brought on by the ‘New Year’? – another time, when people are ‘supposed’ to be happy and party-ing? It can make you feel awful if you are not part of it – but of course many people are not part of that scene. Perhaps things will start to feel more ordinary as ‘normal life resumes’ around you??
I am concerned that you felt so alone, though. What support network do you have around you? Can you talk to anyone? I note that you have a lot of anxiety and fear about money, benefits etc – the holiday time can be painful, when you are not sure what is going to happen, but please try not to blame yourself about not having a job and needing benefits. It is ok. The important thing is to stay away from gambling so that you give yourself the best chance to see things improve for you.

Are you getting into groups? – here or GA etc?

Keep in touch.

All good wishes,

Monique

[匿名]

HI Sam, Your posts are very inspiring. You do have a mentor of sorts in that everyone on here is interested in supporting you through your recovery. I think we have all been there where our brains are so absorbed with gambling, or not gambling that we can think of little else. For example only a few days ago i posted that I did not know what to do with myself, ie what normal people do. And can’t believe it but I started knitting in the last few weeks. I have become a joke as I keep knitting scarves…that’s all I am able to knit! But it gives me a sense of purpose and achievement , and most importantly distracts me. It must be my addictive personality but I simply can’t put the knitting down once I start. Keep in mind two weeks ago i had never knitted anything. What I am trying to say is if being on your computer keeps you safe for now why not? Eventually the urge to gamble will lessen and your mind will become clearer. I have been in recovery for a number of months now. I had a lapse over Xmas but that’s all it was . I still consider myself to be in recovery. You are doing marvellously well. Your will power is becoming stronger and I can tell from your posts that you are a motivated person who has just fallen ill of this habit. You will soon find that your brain has space for other things like just appreciating the fresh air and breathing it i deeply. remember every day you keep your own money in your pocket you have won. You have beaten Not just a form of gambling like slots or bookies, but you have beaten gambling itself. So congratulations and well done. Like most things in life it gets easier with practice and you are doing just fine right now. happy New Year.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique, and Sad68,
Thank you for your helpful messages. I need to practice not being worry for things that has not happened yet. It is mostly what I think that may happen that worries me more than what is happening now. I was feeling better few days ago, but suddenly I felt this negative feeling, that, ok you stopped gambling, now what!? tears come so sudden and feel so weak in planning the next step in life. Instead all the memories come to help me, or may be just to remind me of my old scars, and then push me to another gambling event… and then blaming that lose for feeling this way? It is the best easy way to escape from feelings inside. Blaming the mistake in making another bet, takes all the pressure of trying to find out where in life, and what in life , made me feel the way I feel, away. And just concentrating on now, the lost bet. It would fill the emptiness in my life. It feels better to know what to blame than not knowing who or what to blame. I have to get to the root of this problem and not to let this addiction takes what left of my life away from me. I count on this website, You all my friends who are so far from me, and at the same time so closed to me. I trust you all, and know if there is a group of people I can count on, is you. With your advice, your life stories, Mistakes you make, Ideas you have..I have been able to come this far, and instead of gambling or watching a movie to destructing myself, coming here to be with you, when there is no where safe to go. It is my safe place. I thank you all for what you are doing here. Happy New Year to you all. one day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Hi. I woke up at 4 o’clock today. A friend came around to see me and offered me some money..for a micro second I noticed my cg saying yes give me the money, so I corrected it by saying ” no thanks” I do not need money now. I am so tired and exhausted of controlling him. Now another day passed, knowing that most of that I was sleep, makes me unhappy. I am in another cell made by myself. At least I did not gamble. take care all. One day at a time.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, lots of positives there.your friend called to see you, so he must think highly of you. Your friend offered you money showing that he values you. You are part of a community here so reach out and post on everyone’s site . It makes us feel good when we are helping others, and also helps to take out mind off our own problems for a while. You are winning this battle. You did not gamble, you turned down money. I hope you are giving yourself a well earned pat on the back!

[sam.sam]

Thank you sad68, for your support. I need you all if i am to stay alert in my recovery. Yes they are people around us who care, but we may not see them, being blind by our addiction. I am in recovery so am looking around me to find positive people and things to do.
Helping others i need would always give us some sort of comfort and helping us to realize not only we are able to help others, but we can, and we have to help our self. we as CGs are strong people. In fact very strong people, just have to find the route to recovery and staying in recovery. My way has been this forum and the gambling therapy room. I must say reading others story in here helped me to realize that I am not the only one with this problem and that there is help available. Thank you again sad68. My prayers is with you my friend.

[sam.sam]

My day today started late, at 4pm, waking up and as always blaming myself for another day wasted. The only think came to my mind was to make it a better day by coming to the forum and the gambling therapy room, where i feel safe and see good friends, at the same time my advisers. people who help me trough with my thought and behaviors, the moment of loneliness, and when i feel unworthy. It has been a great pleasure in meeting so many great people in here who have been fighting this addiction.without your help I would have been some where begging for money to eat or under influence of some sleeping pills in bed. I have a neighbor just upstairs to me, who is a good man. He is around 90 years of age and very ill. old age is stopping him from doing the things that few years ago was doing, climbing the mountains, travelling around the world, skiing , and even walking comfortably. I have made it my duty for the last 2 weeks to help him any way I can, even if it means to visit him and hug him, helping him with checking the football result on his teletext on his TV. He can not even do that now. He is single, never married, and no family here. Some times I see my self in him, in few years time if I am not able to recover from this addiction. I wanted to say that helping him, seeing the joy in his eyes, first from his TV working, and second from him knowing that he is not alone. I feel better when i come back to my own flat. I know that I should be concentrating on my own recovery, but I think it is helping me towards that, becoming the person I was before becoming addicted to gambling, Helpful and caring towards others. Personality change I think I can call it. where My cg was only thinking about myself and how i feel when i was on the urge. Now it is the time to notice about qualities which was buried by my gambling actions. I was asking my neighbor why he is not asking for disability benefit and help. He did not know how to do that and in hospital where he was 2 weeks ago, no body knew or cares how he lives alone. It brought up this thought that why am i on help from state benefit? I am not as bad as he is in terms of physical health? I could not find an honest answer. I am working on it… some times we feel that we are in a deep whole that there is no way out, but seeing or reading about others in a worse situation can help us to wake up and deal with the real issues and be more positive about our situation. there is always a way out of difficulties. Here is a good place for me to be every day to remind myself that I am in a process of recovery. One day at a time. God be with you always.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, what a wonderful positive post. You are doing good. I’m not sure if you are religious. I am and reading your post i would be saying that you are where God wants you to be right now…available to help an elderly man who is completely on his own and whose body is giving up. As you find this work so rewarding perhaps you are being nudged into the direction of a career in caring? Perhaps there is someone where you claim your benefits who could direct you towards a course. Everyday we wake up regardless of where we are today our lives are full of possibilities. It is true that gambling steals so much from us..our minds, our time , our money and Even our friendships and relationships. But we can rebuild these things as our minds become clearer . We can stop gambling. We can have everything life has to offer. Because you know what Sam we are worth it.

[icandothis]

Hi Sam, I can’t think of anything better to do with one’s time than to help a neighbor! Don’t be hard on yourself because you lack motivation. Just because we aren’t active it doesn’t mean that nothing is going on. You are going through so much change right now…change on the inside. All big and lasting change begins from the inside. Don’t underestimate the progress you are making, We all know people who are extremely busy, running around doing, doing, doing! Shallow people who never take time out from doing to examine their actions, their lives or their character…thank God you are not one of these people. Your body will catch up with the huge changes that are taking place within you right now. Then you will act…right actions, deeper actions, actions that mean more than just doing, actions like hugging your neighbor. Keep working recovery. Everything else will fall in place. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. You are awesome!

[匿名]

Hi Sam, hope your day is going well. Thank you for your reply on my thread. I will try get myself set up with Internet banking. What are you up to today? I have just slept in until lunch. Now annoyed i have wasted day. Got stupid debt collectors on the phone and it is so stressful. Kinda makes you panic. can they ring your work? I would just pack in my job i would be so mortified. Then they would be lucky to get a penny a week from me.Anyway it might be a good day to leave the house…for both of us! I might venture out and get a cup of coffee somewhere and read their paper. At least it will get me up and washed.. Debt is so depressing. In the bible it says something about when you are in debt you are a slave to it, and it is so true. It is with you always ,all the time, niggling in the back of your mind. Anyway enough feeling sorry for myself.. I hope you have a great day, and you get to see your nice neighbour.

[monique]

Hi Sam
What a lovely and encouraging post. I am sure your neighbour really appreciates your time and your presence. Sometimes being there is the ‘doing’ that is needed. You don’t have to be running around all the time with great energy – this is a sign of your inner motivation, so nourish it and you will be rewarded, I hope.
Monique

[sam.sam]

Thanks for your post. As you said ” we are worth it ” No sad I am not religious but believe in greater power. today I have done some positive things. Cleaning tidying up my room, did some shopping and went out for a long walk near the park. I was blessed with a good day and came home happy to write in here and see what others are written in the forum. Sad you take care of yourself and be positive. One day at a time. God bless you my friend.

[sam.sam]

Hi icandothis. Thanks for your positive post. I like your name in here. It is making me feel positive as soon as I see your name. As you said all that is happening is first starting from within us and the effect is our outer reactions. I have been working on my feelings and think that, as you said, some thing has started to take shape and every day passed it is getting stronger. That is hope and the realization about the power of our mind. If we put our mind on some thing we can do that. We may need some tools and motivation to begin with, which in our case, we have it in here, in the words and posts from our friends here. I am glad to have you here to give me a hand when i feel lonely and tired. It means a lot. You take care, and hopefully we meet in the therapy room some times. thanks again.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thank you for your encouraging post. I am always energize by seeing that good people like yourself spend time and pay attention to my recovery and ups and downs that comes with that. Today was, and is a good day. I am feeling great and it is mostly because you and others are here when i need a warm welcome. Thank you very much Monique.

[匿名]

Hi Sam , thank you for your post. I hope today is going well for you. I had to get up early for an appointment. It is funny how getting up early makes your whole day more positive. I met a friend for lunch and am now home motivated and happier. I was quite low for the last week. I think going to bed late and getting up late becomes depressing after a while. I hope you got out and about today. Are you close to any of the floods that seem to be everywhere? Thankfully it us quite nice here but a bit cold for me. Still must drag myself out to walk the dog!! Let me know how your day is going

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad68,
I am glad to hear that things are improving for you. As you experienced waking up early, is very positive. You have enough time to do thing in no harry. I realized from my own experiences, that when we stay in bed most of the day, we do not drink water, not eating, and it all makes us weak. Here in London it is rainy most of the time, but in a good day I do not really let it effect me, going out and do what I have to do. My day today was not bad actually. even though I could not do what I planned to do, for I was not feeling very energetic today, but all together, It was a quiet day with no pressure. That is good to have a dog. It makes you go out even if it is only for his sake, but at the same time you enjoy the walk as well. Take care Sad68. One day at a time we will sort things out.

[sam.sam]

I have now received a reply to my application from Soho gambling therapy center. I am place in a waiting list and sent some advice on how to keep away from gambling while awaiting. I would like to share their advice in case some one here find it helpful. I am sure in here most of us already been notified of this helpful points by gambling therapy website.
Why you gamble!

Problem gambling is thought to be an impulsive activity. In other words, you encounter something to do with gambling and this leads you to gamble before you have time to think through the potential negative consequences. For you, the act of gambling has become more of an automatic habit developed over time than something you consider in depth before doing. The following steps aim to break this impulse and give you a chance to think twice about gambling before doing so.
1) Exclude yourself from gambling premises
 Self-excluding from those premises you favour or frequent most often
 Creating ‘safe zones’ around your home, place of work and route from home to work
 Installing online blocking software – Gamblock ($90) and K-9 Web Protection (free)

By self-excluding it becomes more difficult and uncomfortable for you to gamble. By having these strategies in place it forces you think twice about whether or not to gamble, in turn making it more likely that you will break the habit and think through your options.
2) Reduce your access to money
 Limiting the amount of cash you carry – if all you need is lunch money, carry £3 not £5
3) Enjoying your life without gambling

Many gamblers report there to be a void once gambling has been removed from their life. Gambling may have reduced the time you spend on other activities or stopped you seeking out pleasure elsewhere. Finding new ways of enjoying your life in the absence of gambling is crucial for keeping away the thoughts and urges that put your recovery at risk. Why not try:

 Brainstorming a selection of new activities you have never tried but may enjoy
 Restarting past hobbies and interests that gambling stopped you doing
 Planning your week in advance to ensure these activities are regularly included
 Rewarding yourself for the days, weeks and months you do not gamble

Take some time to think this through. It is important to find a balance between things that need doing (e.g. working, cleaning, paying debts) and things you want to do. And not everything costs money! By having alternative activities to do, you limit the amount of time available to gamble and have an outlet for enjoyment and escape that will not cause you problems.

4) Try not to think about gambling as a way of making money
It may seem obvious to you at this point but thoughts about winning can still drive gambling behaviour. Some people still hold unrealistic thoughts about being a professional gambler able to make money from gambling. Those people who attempt to make money do so by sticking to very strict targets, for both winning and losing. They don’t chase losses, nor do they chase wins.
If you are reading this it is more likely that you could be described as a ‘compulsive’ gambler. What do we mean by the term ‘compulsive’?
 The compulsive gambler will continue to gamble in the event of both wins and losses
 The compulsive gambler has no ‘off’ switch and thus will gamble until all money is lost
 The compulsive gambler therefore cannot make money from gambling
Thoughts and memories about gambling wins will still occur but should be seen as faulty. Memories about wins tend to be more easily recalled than memories about losses, so you may be over-estimating your chances of winning due to a biased memory. Instead try to remember the instances when you have lost money – practice trying to recall images from those times and visualize the consequences you then experienced.

I am quite happy that I have taken the step to ask for help. Today I went to my neighbor and gave him a nice hair cut. Guess what..he gave me a £5 note. I did not accept that explaining that we are friend and I have not done it for money, and making the money makes me feel bad. But as he is, always been so stubborn, he insist. I took the money thinking I might be able to buy some thing for him tomorrow as a present with that money, so the £5 is in front of my computer waiting until tomorrow.
Today was a good day. One day at a time.

[匿名]

Wow Sam, that just describes my mind and i am sure most people on here can identify with it. That’s so good that your friend gave you a fiver. Now I am thinking of me here so excuse me if I am off track. This man who is losing his independence has given you a fiver for doing a task he can no longer venture out to get done. Gifting you probably makes him feel good and a little independent and of value. again I am thinking of me but I always try to think of what I can buy for others when I have a little money and i am a quite mean with myself, eg my son wears Geox trainers but I buy boots in a charity shop for me. The only thing i have money for me for is gambling!So this is just a thought but how about you go and spend that fiver on you right now..buy a magazine or a coffee and sit somewhere nice and enjoy it, or even crisps n chocolate and have a tv night. Something you would enjoy and then tomorrow tell your neighbour what a lovely time you had with his gift. He will feel even better about giving you the money, and you will have taken a step towards realising that you are so worth it!! And you are!!

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. Thank you for your interesting post. I actually went and bought a big cake. Tomorrow I am going to cut it in half and share it with him with a cup of coffee. I think I have done what you said, buying myself some thing with the money, and also enjoy eating that with my neighbor with a cup of coffee. I am agree with you that giving me money makes him feel better as he paid for some thing he needed. I will remember that. it was a good point you highlighted.
I was thinking about when I was gambling, and was wondering if it was a way to punish myself. loosing, feeling of guilt, isolation, and all those feelings. Otherwise why I had to continue? am I stupid? of course not, so why I was continuing doing the same thing and expecting different result? was I expecting different result, winning? I do not think so. I was there to lose and to suffer. why? I still do not know, hopefully when in counselling, I would find out, the reasons behind that.
Sad you take a good care of yourself. Thanks again for being here. one day at a time.

[匿名]

HI Sam. What a great idea.Did your enjoy your cake? Im sure your neighbour was pleased with the company.I don’t know why we gamble. Looking back i wonder did i always have a touch of AHDH or something. Like I interrupt people when they are speaking, or I have so many ideas all at once. People say it is because I think so quickly but I wonder is it because I have always had impulse control problems. Anyway I have trained myself to listen until others have finished speaking but sometimes it is so hard like I am bubbling inside and about to explode. It’s kinda like that with gambling urges. Maybe that is just how we are made? I think the gambling controlling our lives is why we have a low opinion of ourselves, why we have become isolated, and why we feel punished. once we have gambling under control those other feelings kinda get under control too. I’m not sure we need a reason to be compulsive gamblers but like my interrupting we can train ourselves to stop! And I know the old money’s not everything but when every waking minute is spent thinking about it, and how to mange without what we have lost, it does not leave much space in our brains to consider these things. The course i did was very much about looking forward and not backwards so that is what I am trying to do. Instead of finding a reason why in the past , find a way forward in the future. That said several times in the past few days i have opened emails and wanted to gamble on the sites…but I have no credit cards .. So I can’t. It’s the barriers that keep me safe.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. I am glad you have wrote in here. Yes it was very nice feeling seeing him enjoying the cake and the coffee.
You said: Looking back i wonder did i always have a touch of AHDH or something..

Thinking fast, is what we all do, It is so fast that some times we cant catch them or even notice them(that is some times, what that takes us to gamble). And I read some where: is simply one type of ADD. ADD is a cluster of symptoms such as distraction, inattention, and impulsiveness. When hyperactivity is added to these symptoms the diagnosis changes from ADD to ADHD or ADD with hyperactivity.

They are both treated the same way however. A protein diet, exercise, vitamins and supplements, a self-disciplinary activity such as martial arts, and education and ADD rules or protocol is used.
All what I see here is “taking to account my own feelings, physical health, and lack of attention” that gambling has taken all of those away from me. Lack of correct diet, exercise, planing, instruction, and discipline. So we do not have to be suffering from add, or ADHD to experience this signs. This is what C Gambling can bring about.
As you said yourself, we can unlearn what we have learned by changing the way we think and feel.
Sad Please continue to come here and share your feelings. It helped me so I am sure it will help yourself and others. Take care my friend. One day at a time.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, well I definitely don’t have the ADHD one then -i don’t have the energy to be that active. I hope you day is going well. I wonder if there is a reason why some people become addicted and not others. Maybe it’s opportunity to gamble? Anyway today I have been gamble free. And following your advice i have tried to eat proper food today.. Not as nice as crisps and chocolate but ok just the same!! Did you see your neighbour today? It really nice that he has your visits to look forward to. I am suffering from back to work exhaustion . It’s kinda getting to me at the moment that I am working full time and have to hand out a huge part of my wages for years to pay debts. Self imposed i know but still a pain. I read a book ‘raising happy boys ‘.In it a boy was diagnosed with ADHD. His dad was upset. .he was a long distance lorry driver…he though it meant the boy did not receive enough attention.so he started to take him on trips as often as he could and explain stuff to him and spend as much time with him as he could.According to the book the boy came on in leaps and bounds and his diagnosis no longer applied. I wish a few trips would cure compulsive gambling. But.I would probably find a casino .lol. Keep working on your recovery Sam.

[p]

Thank you very much for your posts to me.. i am going to be posting a bit more and you actually helped me by encouraging me some more so thank you for that.. i am glad to see that you are going along well with your gamble free life now. It is great to see. I love that you went and bought that cake to share with the neighbour that is such a good thing to do. it shows change, it shows kindness. Thinking of others. Someone once said to me that when i feel sorry for me or i am having urges, go do something for someone else, it was a great piece of advice. I find things hard some days with moods and urges and life but i am getting through. Its great to have here to come write down how we are feeling each day. Keep going Sam i am happy for you. I hope you hear from the soho treatment centre soon too..

P

[sam.sam]

Nice Post Sad. I am glad that you did not gamble yesterday. I hope Today also is a good day for you. I like the story you mentioned about the boy and the way the dad reacted to the problem. How about if I say ” our gambling is the child” and we at the same time are the father!? Can we get close to our self in a loving manner and see what is it that the gambling mind wants to tell us, by acting out like that, compulsive behavior? That is what I am trying to do, to listen to my gambling mind. There are two steps in there. First is when I am not gambling(how am i feeling? is there any thing that I am not happy with, or some thing that I rather not to think about it) here is my theory ” if i don,t look carefully or not listen carefully to my thought now, Later my subconscious, may act out, as he could not show me or tell me what was wrong, there for he acts out by the way of Gambling, drinking, ignoring the reality, becoming addicted. He is feds up with me not understanding him. I look at it like the situation between the father and the son in your story.
I had a very good advice from shuller in one of the posts, giving me a link to Dr Garbor Mate speaking about neuroplasticity. I think you would like to listen to few of his talks. here is the link to that site: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgiqMQTfw1Y
To remind you your own words:
I wish a few trips would cure compulsive gambling. But.I would probably find a casino .lol. Keep working on your recovery Sam.
As all people helpful people in here said, there is no cure compulsive gambling, but to control that, think about barriers. that is the only way Sad, no other magic potions.
You said you probably find a casino.. i know you were joking but, behind that, I can see myself when i was self excluding myself from the betting shops around me(at the same time my visual mind, was seeing the betting shop which were far from me)meaning of you are kidding me, I can take you far from your home to gamble again…..this was the negative way of me looking at it….the same time he may be is telling me : don’t just ban yourself here do it any where that you think you may one day go and gamble.
Sad you are a good person. Use all the support in here and believe me if you follow what they say, and put barriers in place, you will find yourself in a better place.

To end my post, I thank you again for being here, and tell you that I am visiting my neighbor every day, even if it is for few minutes. I enjoy that.
Take care Sad. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Thanks P for being here. That alone means a lot to me and others, beside you always have a lot to offer to us from your experiences.
In your post You mentioned that when we feel sorry for our self or feel urges, doing some thing good for others would make you feel better.
That is really true. I feel the same P.
When we have so much bill and so much to deal with, we get frustrated and find that it is so hard, but remember that is WHAT we are dealing with here..why we find that so difficult..paying attention to how we are feeling now. I am talking about myself in the same situation..That is what made me start gambling in the first place. I did not have the energy, nor the skills to deal with the feeling .
I am glad that you had all the will power, and the skills, to pass this sad feelings. I am sure that you are getting stronger by each of this attacks, as you get smarter in finding a way to deal with them.
P Thank you and have a good day my friend. One day at a time.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, thank you . I will look up that link. I just had to write to say the positivity(is that even a word?) coming through your posts is brilliant. You seem to have come such a long way so quickly. You also have incredible insight, and really make me think. Of course you have me craving cake.. M and S Victoria sponge to be precise..a lot cheaper than my old cravings!! Take care and keep posting your insightful thoughts!

[p]

Hi Sam
How did the cake eating session go with the neighbour? Was the cake delicious? I love my food and i am always talking food with people, love to eat it that is, not so good at making it but that can always improve now i have time to work on other things. I hope you are having a good day and i am really amazed at how you are coming along. You do seem to learn quickly. I on the other hand did not learn quickly hence the reason me being here so many years and still learning. I try to think of it all as lessons now, each time i learn a little more but i can share along the way what has and has not worked for me so far. Thank you for posting to me again. It was nice to read the messages while drinking my coffee this morning. I hope you have a good day, keep breaking it down into small pieces of time. Just get through those. Whatever you are doing , it is working…

P

[sam.sam]

Hi P.
The cake was good, and even better when i use the microwave to warm it a little. My neighbor could not believe that it was not freshly baked. He said he was going to by some more.
P I am happy to hear that you enjoy talking about food and paying attention to what you like. I should do the same. I once liked cooking for my self and my friends, and I was good at it. I should do start paying more attention to daily activities that once was enjoyable.
I like your coffee in the morning activity. That is what we are talking about.
Have a good day P. I should go to the room now. talk to you later. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

“Because now that it’s finally morning, the shadows are beginning to fade, the shadows that have been covering my mind and my soul. Now that they’re gone, I can almost start to see the way, and it’s different from the one they’d convinced me was all I could have.” -Vixen Phillips

[sam.sam]

“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” –Mary Pickford

[p]

Hi Sam i loved those words.. so true.. and so glad you had such an enjoyable time with the neighbour and the cake.. so much more to life isn’t there than gambling away our money and our sanity.. i just overindulged on the food front but i am kind of content, never felt that after a session of gambling, keep going Sam…

P

[匿名]

San I love that.failure is not falling down..it’s staying down.i sometimes wonder does some part of us Cgs feel more comfortable with misery and failure. I feel like I am making really great progress at the moment and it i have to say your posts have helped me greatly. Sometimes it appears that when you come on here and have fallen back into gambling the whole world responds but when things are going well people gloss over your post. I love the fact that you are doing well Sam. I love the fact that myself and others can chart your progress, and I hope you are feeling more confident and happier inside with every day that passes. Having said that when you don’t post, I kinda worry….?? So stay posting. I look forward to reading your progress whether forwards or not , and love your insights. Ps my new motto..failing is not the falling down but staying down..

[sam.sam]

Hi P. I am glad that you are well and in progress. Thank you for supporting me and giving me the energy to stay in recovery. I am very happy that you are progressing in staying positive about recovery.
At the moment I am like a child that his steps are not steady and when he walks his legs are shaky. But by coming here and being supported by people like yourself, I know that I should not expect to run. These are the baby steps. I am learning to walk again.
I was a bit down today as i feel I have a flue. Tired and sleepy. Last night I went to bed early around 11 and woke up 3 in the morning not being able to sleep. I went out and saw my GP , got some medication,and did some shopping. It was a good day.
I am glad that you are here today. You made me think about writing again. This is very nice: failing is not the falling down but staying down..
Sad please keep positive and we all together will over power this addiction.
Thank you sad for being here. One day at a time.

[匿名]

Aw Sam, there is a horrible old flu going around. Be really kind to yourself and just concentrate on getting well.

[p]

Hows things Sam, hope you rest up with that flu thing. Keep posting, keep checking in. No matter what. Don’t ever give up.

P

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. Thank you for being in here walking with me. This is the second day that I do not feel very well. It is the cold virus I guess.
Talk to you soon Sad. One day at a time. Take care.

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Thank you. I am glad I have friends like you here to remind me of the importance of being focused on recovery. I am sure without your help, I would not be here today.
Today I woke up early but after having my coffee, I was feeling so cold so I went back to bed. I fall sleep and woke up again at 5 in the evening.
I was feeling quite fed up with the fact that the day has gone. wasted, but coming here reading the post, I feel better now.
Thank you P. Take care and be focused on you and your recovery.
One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Today,Yesterday,The day before, all I had was this this feeling of not being worth-ed, and that I am not going to get rid of this feelings that follows me every step of the life.
At the back of my mind so many activities, running like a film on TV . We switch the TV on and we are in the middle of a film, started long ago. For unknown reason I do not change the channel, continue watching. I have seen this movie few times before, but some part of the conversation between the characters, sounds that I have not heard that before, or may be I was not interested in hearing that before.
I feel it is the same with my memories that has always been acting at the back of my mind, and me giving them a little attention, if any at all. But now, being in recovery, knowing that gambling was a way to escape and forgetting those memories, feelings, that we have, when seeing them, or thinking about them, makes me feel I have to spend some times, watching that movie from the beginning to the end and with more presence of my mind. And also getting help to deal with them.
In this movie I am the main character, so I have to pay attention to what is happening to me and how I am reacting in any given situation.
Today is another day that I have to find some thing to make me feel better. not gambling is the first thing and focusing in my recovery at the same time. I feel I have come a long way and I found a good source of information in here and a family. An understanding family.
Thank you all. Have a good journey. One day at a time.

[monique]

What a lot of interesting conversations you are having here with the others who post. Some lovely quotations there – they are very thought-provoking and helpful
I’m sorry you have been unwell, but I think it is good you slept a long time – your body probably needed that to help it recover. Try to keep your spirits up, even when your body is weak – I think you are doing that and your friends here encourage you. I think your posts are very positive for everyone.
Best wishes again,

Monique

[匿名]

Hi Sam, did you mean you feel you are feeling kinda worthless? I understand what you mean about memories. I did not have a bad life and yet sometimes wee things replay over and over in my head, from when I was young. I am amazed at the bitterness i still feel maybe directed towards a teacher or other person who does not even remember the incident. I remember the feelings of shame , worthlessness, being put down , belittled, etc …I not only remember, I feel them as acutely today as when they happened maybe thirty years ago. It is mostly situations where I felt powerless… Where I was powerless.it is mostly situations where I was wronged, deliberately or not. . It is mostly situations where I felt unpopular and on the verge of groups. I don’t know..maybe we all carry negative memories.. However, if yours are really giving you bother, perhaps because of the gravity of the situations, or perhaps because you can’t deal with them, it is really good to get help with them. Struggling with addiction is hard, and if negative memories are holding you back please do get help with them. I still struggle with feeling less than, but I know we are all equal regardless of our circumstances, and trust me Sam , you are so worth it!!

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
I am glad to see you here. Yes, they are very nice people, like yourself, who are helping me in my recovery, giving me hope and direction.
Last night I had a good rest. I feel a lot better today and I will be positive in recovery.
Thanks Monique.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. Today I feel better. I guess just like any other addiction, recovery is not just stopping and feeling down and negative thought coming and going is a part of the recovery process. The gambling mind is trying to bring some thing up, makes you feel bad, and make that an excuse to gamble again. When there are barriers in place and you can not do that, there it comes the feeling that I was going trough for the last few days.
I think the only way is to bring some meaning to my life, structure into my thought and actions.
You are right we all have those past events that time to tome comes up and it is like, they are happening now.
I feel better today Sad. Thank you for your support. Having you here, reading your post, making me feel better, knowing that I am not alone in this situation.
Have a good day. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Last night I was so stresses that I could not sleep a minute. Today was my tribunal and I won. I did not have much hope. I even thought about not going at all, that would have resulted judgment rolled in my absent, and most probably against me. On my surprise they were very understanding and listened to me answering their questions. At last they told me that I won my case and gave me the confirmation letter.
I have a complex feeling of joy and confusion. Because I did not expect this result.
Today was a good day and it reminds me that each day is an important part of our life. One day at a time. I wish you all, a good day.

[p]

Nice to see you in chat today Sam it was good to talk, i see in your last post you won your case which is wonderful… i hope that you continue to post and come to groups.. things will continue to improve .. you are doing so well..

P

[sam.sam]

Thank you P. It was nice to see you in the room. Hopefully every thing goes on plan, and we always have good news to share in here. The important is to come here and talk about how we feel, no matter what. It helps towards recovery. You have a good week P. One day at a time.

[monique]

I am pleased to hear that you won the tribunal. Interesting mix of emotions you describe – I think that is quite ‘normal’ in such a circumstance, when there is a lot of anxiety and a build up of tension beforehand. When the resolution arrives, it can feel so strange, even when it is a good one! But it’s great that you attended and I hope you feel the benefit of this decision as time goes on.
Monique

[匿名]

Hi Sam, congratulations..I understand it’s sometimes hard to process stuff.. It takes awhile to come down from the anxiety and stress and its only then the good news can really sink in. I am taking another lesson from your post. You faced your fears when you really did not want to. You did not retreat to a place of escape like a bookies or casino. You faced it and you were successful. So well done.. Another step towards ‘normal’..you are doing great Sam. Stick with it. Lots of good things will happen once you are seeing clearly, and can spot opportunities .you deserve the very best.. Hey we all do!!!

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique. Thank you very much for being with me. I hope you are doing well and every thing is where it should be.
I am trying One day at a time, and it does work for me. I can feel the tension and anxiety going away slowly.
Take care Monique and all the best.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. Thank you very much for your post. I am taking every thing very slowly and one day at a time now. It helps me not get so worry about thing that are not here yet, and plan on acting on them, taking all the fact into account.
I hope you are doing well Sad. Hopefully see you in the room. Take a good care of yourself Sad. One day at atime.

[sam.sam]

Today I had an email for interview at Soho center for initial assessment. I am going there 2nd of February. I am so glad that I am starting to feel and see my action plans are taking place. Not gambling is becoming a normal daily automatic action. One day at a time.

[janey1]

That’s REALLY great news Sam, I’m so pleased for you.

Let us know how it goes 🙂

Janey

[sam.sam]

Thank you Janey. Sure I will write about it and how It goes.

[匿名]

Hi Sam..Is it my imagination or are you a little quiet recently. I hope you are feeling upbeat, and looking forward to your appointment. Have you visited your friend recently? I actually got a promotion Sam. Somehow I have managed to hold down and work hard at my job. It is a bitter sweet thing.Some people are genuinely thrilled for you while others some of whom are your friends are not. I suppose the green eyed monster takes hold. I am finding very quickly that if I allow people they will drag me down. I think I always the need approval of other people. So my next personal goal is to develop a thicker skin! Also i think their issue is not with me but with how they view their world. Anyway it would appear you have become my personal shrink.!! Life can and does get better Sam. I have slipped along the way but as you have noticed one day your life becomes about living rather than not gambling. I think I’m there now. Just trying to get all the other parts of my life to catch up after years of neglect. Please write a nice long post and let me know how your doing, thinking and feeling!

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. We should change your name to Happy from now. I am glad to hear that you have secured a job, and that you are happy about that. As you said things will get better when we do not gamble. For me as well good things happening, and am trying to make seance of feelings that I have now. Working o my anxiety and trying to manage them.
I was reading about understanding anxiety and the the way it affects us.
I don’t have much of the physical side effects of anxiety but I can relate to behavior side of that: we do not plan things very well, we rush about trying to do every thing, avoidance, we get irritated and take it all out on those around us.
The best part I like was where they talk about” self talk” as it is what I was doing negative self talk, that usually took me to gambling places. It says people with general anxiety are specially prone to engage in negative self talk. Anxiety can be generated on the spur of the moment by repeatedly making statements to yourself that begins with the words ‘ what if…. I can not handle it…, there for just noticing when you fall in to ‘what if’ thinking is the first step towards gaining control over negative self talk. we need to change the sentence with positive ones. so what, these are just thoughts and that I can handle that . I have done so before and I will do it again.
Self talk is often so automatic you do not notice it happening, and there for you react without noticing what you have told yourself right before you reacted.
Self talk often appears in telegraphic form or even in flashes or images that contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.
How many times I was arguing with my self about going to betting shop or not, and all of a sudden I went and put behind all the logical arguments that I was having few minutes ago. I guess some how the self talk was involve in making me taking that decision.
Four common personality types have been identified in people who are prone to anxiety:

1. The worrier: creates anxiety by imagining the worst case scenario, also called catastrophising. The worrier tend to, anticipate the worst, overestimate the likelihood of something bad happening, and crating images of failure or catastrophe.

2. The critic(promotes low self-esteem. he is constantly judging and evaluating your behavior. It jumps on any mistake you make to remind you that you are a failure. It always putting you down. It ignores your positive qualities, and emphasizes your weakness.

3. The victim(promotes depression)
The victim is the part of you that feels helpless, and hopeless. It generates anxiety by telling you that you are not making any progress. It believes nothing will ever changes. The favorite expressions of victim includes “I can not or I will never be able to”. for example: I will never be able to do that, so what is the point of even trying?

4. The perfectionist:(promotes chronic stress and burn out)
The perfectionist is s close cousin of the Critic, but instead of putting yourself down, it pushes you to do better.
favorite words of perfectionist are should and must. You should be working harder, you must have every thing under control. it is intolerant of mistakes. it has the tendency to convince you that your self-worth is dependent on externals such as vocational achievement, money, and status, acceptance by others, being loved, or your consistent ability to be nice to others regardless of what they do.

I hope It would help some of us to understand our feelings better and the cause of some of our actions, that we could not explain and reason for that. In later time I will write how we are supposed to manage and control these feelings, according to my anxiety management booklet.
Thanks to you all, and all the best to you.

[sam.sam]

We will need to learn how to recognise our negative self talk in order to begin to control our anxiety and emotional reactions to our particular anxiety provoking situation. To do this we will need to monitor and write down what our sub personalities(the worrier, the critic, the victim, and the perfectionist) are telling us for at least a week. We need to pay attention specially to occations when we are feeling anxious(panicky), depressed, self -critical, and ashamed, or otherwise upset. Look for the thoughts that were going through your mind that led you to feel the way you did. Try to be specific to what you were actually saying to yourself. eg. ” what if I panic while giving my talk today?” is specific whereas “I felt scared” is not specific example of self talk because it does not indicate what you were thinking or saying to yourself.

Ask yourself the following question in situation when you have an urge:
What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way? or
what automatic thought went trough my mind?
Notice /catch yourself in the act, be aware of situation that are likely to be aggravated by self talk.

That is it for tonight. One day at a time and concentrating on today is the best I have ever done.

[匿名]

WowSam. Reading this i am a cross between the critic and the perfectionist… Already planning the next step while worrying about will i be able to handle the staff bullies…arghh. I have a tendency to over explain myself…like its anyone’s business… Does that make sense. Bullies I need to ignore… Not try to think of smart replies…not react in any way . Just ignore and walk away. And feel I’m ok I don’t need their approval!! Do you think a lot of us are vulnerable to bullies?could that be why we seek the safety of the casino.?. Honestly I have no desire to gamble but I feel suddenly so vulnerable!

[匿名]

Ps you post was brill. Really mAde me think… Was wondering Sam have you identified which type you are??

[sam.sam]

Sad, I think I have met all of them some times in the past but mainly I would say I am seeing a lot of worrier and critic in myself. We need to get the balance between them I guess. As long as we know that these are in existence and they may effect our behavior, we should be able to control them with practice.
I am glad You like the subject.
Have a good time Happy.

[vera]

Don’t know what happened in the chat Sam. I was typing comments to you and Laura and everything went dead.
Better luck next time!

[sam.sam]

Sad I think all of us are very sensitive people, more than others that never become compulsive in doing some thing. Of course we feel bad If some one bully us, and we want to answer them in a smart ways. For me is almost all the time looking for a reason in them to explain their behaviors. And when I do it makes me feel that is the way they are dealing with their problems. As you said we can decide to ignore them, unless it is becoming a problem(repeatedly happening), then we need to deal with that and make them stop once for all. You mentioned Casino and safety!? you did not say gambling? I just want you to think about it. do you feel safe in the casino environment? It was once for me, the only place I could dress up and go was casino, people respected me, may be for a wrong reason, but I liked that at the beginning. That is why I am interested to know which one is that makes you feel safe, the casino or the disconnection from yourself while gambling.
Sad if you feel down try to talk about it now, with people who understand. Like in here. I hope you are better by now. take care happy. One day at a time.

[buffdazza]

Hey 🙂

[sam.sam]

Hi dazza. It was nice to see you in the room. I was always curious to see more experience people in here dealing with their daily challenges of life. I am sure having the opportunity to be in a room with you, helps a lot.
Have a good week. See you next week.

[sam.sam]

The email I received from soho the National Problem Gambling Clinic consist of few part. I am leaving a copy here, so I can see that when i come here, and thinking it may also help some one who want to get help from them, to have clear understanding of the process involved. I hope it is not against the policy and rules in here.
WHAT IS AN ASSESSMENT?

Your assessment will consist of an in-depth look at different aspects of your gambling and any contributing factors which may have led to the problem or be maintaining it. This will involve asking you about your gambling behaviour, and other areas of your life. Included in the assessment will be questionnaires and measures which will give us useful information regarding your lived experience.

The assessment is designed to help the National Problem Gambling Clinic team work out the best possible treatment for you, and this will be based on the information you have provided. Usually, all of the information that we need to decide on treatment can be obtained in a single meeting. However, there are occasions where this may not be possible and we may ask you to come in again for a second assessment meeting.

We will be able to provide you with some information regarding the type of treatment that we offer at the NPGC. We may also provide you with some suggestions for ways in which you can immediately start reducing problem gambling.

Following the assessment the information provided will be discussed within the team the following week, where a plan of care will be confirmed. This will include the type of treatment we think would benefit you, and whether any additional support is needed to help you at the present time.

You may find that there are a lot of questions asked during the assessment. However, this will help us to gain an understanding of the severity of your gambling, and help the team to consider what factors we should take into account before determining the type of treatment suitable for you. Please be assured that the information you provide will be treated confidentially.

When a decision has been made by the team, you will be sent a letter notifying you of your treatment plan. You will then be placed on our waitlist and an appointment sent out to as soon as we are able to see you.

If at any point during the assessment you feel uncomfortable about sharing information please let the assessor know and we can discuss your concerns.
Is it only you that needs support?

Here at the CNWL National Problem Gambling Clinic we believe that your gambling treatment is likely to be better supported if those close to you are supported too. For some people that may mean including loved ones directly (for example in a one off or more regular meetings here with you), or for others it may be more useful for them to receive help independently (for example, by attending a support group for family members).

Questions that may help your decision:

• Do you have a close relationship with anyone who may be struggling with the changes you are making?

• Are there those close to you who seem not to understand or who are unaware of your gambling behaviour?

• Is there someone who could help you with your goals but may not know how?

We will wait a week before we contact those named below to give you the opportunity to explain that you have given their details to us.

Details:

Name:

Address:

Telephone Number

Relationship?

Date to contact:

If there are additional people please provide details on reverse.

Please note that we take confidentiality very seriously and no information about you or your treatment will be discussed without your permission.

I am pleased to confirm an appointment has been made for you here at the National Problem Gambling Clinic on:

Monday 3rd February 2014 at 2.00pm

This initial assessment will last approximately one hour and 30 minutes. There, you will get an opportunity to discuss your current situation, your intended outcome(s) and agree on a treatment plan. If you are unable to attend, please do contact us before the appointment to reschedule.

During your interaction with the Trust we will keep a record of your contact details and your care. For more information about record-keeping visit our website (http://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/your_information.html) or pick up a copy of the Your Information booklet when you attend the Gambling Clinic.

We have enclosed a form regarding our Family & Friends Service at the clinic. We will ask you when you attend whether there is anyone who may be interested in accessing the service either to support you with the changes you are making and/or who may be interested in getting support for themselves. Please have a think and either complete the form or let us know when you attend your assessment appointment.

Should you require any further information on the clinic or the services we offer, do not hesitate to contact us on the above telephone numbers.

Looking forward to seeing you there.

Yours sincerely,

The Gambling Clinic Team
So I am looking forward to the 3rd of February. All I have is because of this site, people in here, who helped me reach to this stage to ask for help openly and without fear or shame. being involve in here, talking and reading and listening to others, made me feel, that I am ill and need to get help. We started with stopping the gambling but for sure If we want it to stay that way we need to change the way we think about our self and change the way we react to changes and pressures in our day to day life. That is why I have decided to get help. So much to deal with. I am positive in getting help. If I was able to do that alone I would have done it before. Thanks to all of you here. All the best.

[匿名]

Hi Sam. I have just read your last post and this sounds like a really good programme, specifically tailored for you. are there people whose names you can give? How do you feel about that?it is good that you feel supported on here.even though I am not gambling at the moment, I do like to come on here and get the support. Thank you for your nice reply on my thread. Not a lot happening with me. Work, sleep and then work agin. But it’s good, it’s honest! I hope your appointment is soon and that you get lots from it. Stay strong

[p]

Hi again, it was really good to catch up in chat again. We can go the distance Sam.. cant wait to hear how you go with counselling..

P

[monique]

Hi Sam. Saw you post about the clinic – it looks very good. I hope it works out well for you.
Monique

[sam.sam]

Thanks sad.
Yes I am looking forward to the appointment. I do not have a close relative to involve in my recovery. But I have all the people here to share my experience with. I am glad that life without gambling started for you and that you are still coming here as a part of your recovery plan.
I hope that you always keep positive and strong. All the best Sad.

[sam.sam]

Thank you P. Yes it is really good to meet some times in real time and have a chat about our progress and recovery.
I will let you know how my appointment goes and how I feel after that.
You take a good care of yourself P.
Wish you the best.

[sam.sam]

Thanks Monique,
I think it is a good place to start from. One of the reason is that they deal with different part of recovery.
I can talk to them and see what help is available. I have taken the first step to help myself. That is making me happy.
Thank Monique for your support.
Sam.

[sam.sam]

We do not realize the affect of our gambling on other people until we are stopped and in recovery. We all have stories to tell if look closer into our lives.
It was in 1997, when I was going to my class in uni, where I met a beautiful young lady on the way. We met and got into the best relationship that I have ever had in my life. I still go and watch the bench that we sat on the first time we met.
What did I do to destroy our relationship? Nothing really, I was in love with gambling behind her back. I even took her to meet her in casino.
To make the long story short, she left me. Last thing she said was: I wanted to build my life with you next to me, climbing the mountains hand to hand with you…..
This is what we are when in gambling activity, not that we do not care but we always think that we get them back, when we have a big win… And as you all know by now, the big win is never big enough.
While I was gambling there were so many occasions that members of family were in need and I could easily help them big time in their life, but I was telling myself, the big win comes and then I will do that…you know that it never came…it never comes.
while gambling, there are things that we do, and there some that we do not do, and both might have big effects on our close family or friends. It is not all about us, it is about people around us.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, what astute observations. Yes gambling takes many opportunities from us and from those around us. It consumes us to such an extent that it becomes us. We become the gambler. It defines us and everything we do. I have not gambled for maybe four or five months (not counting one relapse). I am no longer the shabby person rushing to work at the last minute exhausted after gambling on line till the not so early hours of the morning. I am now the early bird, who got the promotion, who has time to look respectable in the morning.. But you know strange as this may sound, I think the addiction has made me the person I am today. It has given me compassion and a reluctance to judge anyone or their struggles whatever they may be. I am a better person today because of the struggle i have had . However I cannot but regret the undoubted effect it has had on the people around me..the messy house, the unpaid bills, the sleepless nights worrying over money that my hardworking husband has endured, the time i missed out on with my child, being unable to treat my elderly parents, the friendships I let go , the rows in the house, etc.But I believe that God will restore what the thief has taken. I believe in second chances. I believe the rest of your life starts today. I truly believe that in our recovery we will have even better lives that we had before, and new doors will open for us. Sam yes we missed opportunities in our past, but we won’t be missing them in our future!!

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. As yo said we are stronger people now. And we will not let new opportunities for a more constructive future get away unnoticed. We will look back just to make sure we do not make the same mistakes, but we do not let the past stop us from stepping to a better future. Now being here between people who had the same problem, we have got the key to open the doors and step in and never fall into the same trap.
You are one great person Sad. I hope every day will be a brighter day for you. God bless you.
Sam

[p]

Hey Sam
Hope things are going well for you today and it is happy and gamble free.. see you again in group soon

P

[sam.sam]

Thank You very much P. It was a good day, gambling free, and met with my friends.
I hope you had a good day as well and now having a good rest.
See you soon my friend. One day at a time.

[匿名]

Hi Sam. Thank you for your post on my thread. I think you have nailed it about us not noticing our own behaviours but being able to see them in others. Perhaps that is why this site is so successful. It can be really helpful when others point out what we can’t see. You say it is all about you at the moment. I say this is wonderful. When we are gambling it is all about us and our addiction.nobody else really matters as the addiction takes hold more and more. However when we stop or try to, I think we find it hard to accept that we ‘re worth this attention, even from ourselves.i wonder if a lot of gamblers were very generous before the addiction. Are we generous to others because we did not really feel we were worth being generous to ourselves. I don’t know. Just your thoughts have really got me thinking. So Sam I think we should all make it all about us. As for the casinos.. I truly believe that only an evil person can enjoy the luxury earned from another’s misery. But then I think so it is with the world. Children work in sweatshops around the world so we can wear cheap clothes. I sometimes don’t know what is right or what is wrong anymore. But I do know that unless we put ourselves first we cannot help others. We should fix our own oxygen mask into position before attempting to help others.. Rem you ‘re worth it!

[sam.sam]

thank you for being here Sad. I have many times thought about why we are helping others and had many questions raised in my mind.
Is not it that we like others to treat us the same? is not it that we feel others are not doing what we expect them to do? It might be long berried thought that now is coming to surface, when we saw how helpless we are when in gambling actions? when I was younger and could not or I would not dare standing against my older brother, who was dictating his will to me? Is not that there and then no body tried to help me? no body understood what I was feeling in my small world? And still feeling that they are not able to understand what their action created in my life?
I am not blaming what happened to me on them, but just saying it all might be connected some how, to what we are doing and might do.
Helping others for me some times in here is like I am helping my own mother who is far from me. Some times I feel I am helping that child within me and showing him there is help now available, and telling him to rest and not to worry.
It was just my thought.
All the best.

[sam.sam]

Last night I was listening to a talk on you tube and I heard I heard interesting story about a fact in medical world.
The guy was talking about Wilder Graves Penfield, who was a pioneering neurosurgeon once dubbed “the greatest living Canadian”. As well as expanding the methods and techniques of brain surgery, he devoted much thinking to mental processes and continued until his death to contemplate whether there was any scientific basis for the existence of the human soul.
He once had a patient under local Anastasia, so the brain does not feel pain when he wanted to operate on it. He was stimulating different part of the brain to see what was happening. when he was stimulating the motor cortex in the brain, which is responsible for body movements, he notices that the patients arm starts to move upwards, then he ask the patients are you moving your arm? and he says no, it is moving up with out me controlling that. The dr ask him that this time when your arms wants to move up, try to stop it and change the direction that your arm is moving. Then while he was stimulation the brain again, he noticed that the patient was able to resist the movement and change the direction of his arm.
In conclusion the dr said, the brain commands the arm to move in one direction but there is a choice maker (the patient)who can over ride the command of the brain to the body. So he says I know where the command post is, but where is the commander(the choice maker)?
It was interesting for me so I wanted to share that and say that we can make a choice even when the brain telling us to go and gamble.
We need to get closer to our self. Study our own behavior.

All the best.

[匿名]

Sam that is fascinating. I am going to google Mr Penfield. I don’t know though. I feel I have a choice with gambling now. It is actually very easy for me, but in the past it was like my brain by-passed the controller. It was like the gambling part was being stimulated but the controller was absent. Does that make sense. Once the thought to gamble came the controller just could not get through.. Like a broken telephone wire. Maybe gambling replaces normal connections in the brain so the controller did not have a strong enough connection,and there has to be new ones laid down. Oh I am thinking you and me missed our vocations as brain surgeons!!! Fascinating all the same.

[匿名]

Sam that is fascinating. I am going to google Mr Penfield. I don’t know though. I feel I have a choice with gambling now. It is actually very easy for me, but in the past it was like my brain by-passed the controller. It was like the gambling part was being stimulated but the controller was absent. Does that make sense. Once the thought to gamble came the controller just could not get through.. Like a broken telephone wire. Maybe gambling replaces normal connections in the brain so the controller did not have a strong enough connection,and there has to be new ones laid down. Oh I am thinking you and me missed our vocations as brain surgeons!!! Fascinating all the same.

[monique]

Some very interesting posts, Sam. I was just wondering if you had some technical problems regarding getting in the group? I hope you are ok.

Monique

[匿名]

Thank you for your post. Yes I had problem with my browzer. I could not see any one in the room. But I know that it was about my computer rather than the website. I think I have fix the problem just now.

[匿名]

Thanks for your post. I am sorry that I could not reply earlier. I had some technical problem with my computer.
You are quite right about the gambling mind or addicted part. I think that the stimulant here is what we have to find out by knowing ourself better. What makes you feel the eurg to gamble? lack of enough money, when a bill arrives, when some one makes you angry? these are for me some times are the stimulant stimulating the addicted part of my brain to wake up and quickly interpret the meaning of the stimulation as( you need to gamble now). In the example of the telephone wire your are right, but let me put it this way: there are so many telephone wires next to each others, and British telecome is adding to then every day(our new expriences) if two of this wires belong to two different numbers(homes) by accident connect to one another, then when i dial your number, it may connect to some one else or you might here not only my voice but some one elses on line as well.So in case of gambling, the brain cells or nerons or electrical signals, are not doing their job properly any more. They do not deliver the message correctly, there for we get it wrong.
In my own case, I have never given myself time to wait and question the command signal from my brain, but know by learning from you all in here, I am becoming the choice maker to over ride the command of my gambling brain.
Ad as you say It becomes very easy to control that as the time passes. It is the same as when we use to gamble, we would not notice what the brain said to us so quickly that, made us jump out and gamble. Now it is the same when the brain becomes healthy, it passess positive command to you so fast that you dont notice it but by, feeling that it is not difficult any more, I dont even need to force stop myself from gambling. It comes naturally. I hope we could slowly learn to do that.
All the best Sad. One day at atime.

[sam.sam]

Hi Harry. I will try now. I am using eternet. I am usig winxp-IE v8
Itried to get to help line. I went in but could not see any one.
The error message was: Error: TypeError: Object doesn’t support this property or method

[sam.sam]

Thank you harry. Do not worry I am going to format the hard drive, and fresh install now. see you soon

[Dunc]

Unfortunately the error message is a bit ambiguous, What it does seem to relate to is a file within IE versions 6 to 8, before you go reformatting please try another browser such as Firefox or Chrome

Take Care

H

[sam.sam]

Thams Harry. You are right it is the browser. I used the google as well and was the same problem. Now I am on with iPod and wifi. Win is being formatted. See you later.

[p]

Hi Sam

Thank you so much for your poem and your post to me.. really appreciate it, i am feeling a lot better today. My moods just go like that and things are looking brighter for me today.
I feel a lot more settled now. I hope you are doing well and i am sorry you haven’t been able to get into groups, there is one starting in a minute with Charles, hope you can figure out how to get in. If i dont see you Sam i am wishing you are having a wonderful gamble free day. You seem so wise Sam so early on…

P

[sam.sam]

Today I noticed that I have to work on my budgeting skills. As an old habit I was trying to keep all the appointments, bills to pay, in my memory, and not following a system like a diary. Yesterday I over spent. Paid a bill that I could arrange to be paid in two instalments. With the budget that I have in mind, it is placing me in a position that I may not be able to pay one of my bills this month. In reality I can afford that( some one else is keeping my money for me) I can ask him to pay the bill for me from my saving.
It is slow process but gradually the cloud is going away, and I can see that I am paying more attention to my financial situation in a logical way.
Taking responsibility for my actions, last week I lived with very small amount of money and the last days I could not even afford a loaf of bread or a pint of milk, but I did not borrow money(I could). If I was gambling I would have thought, what is a big deal? I borrow and pay that back. But now I care about my personality.
I have to live the way I can, and not necessarily the way I like to.
I accept what I can not change and change what I can change in my life. And being here is teaching me how to recognize the difference between the two.
Today I am fine.

[匿名]

Hi Sam. It is really to see you so much in control of your finances. I think that getting them under control is one of the things that will keep us from returning to gambling for a quick fix solution. It is inspiring reading how you develop in your journey . You mix studying the addiction in literature with action . I think that makes you an A star student. Well done friend!!!

[p]

Hi Sam
I really enjoy talking to you in the groups.. i think you add something special here, with your knowledge of the addiction and your story.. thank you for sharing and being part of the community.. see you again soon in the next group

P

[sam.sam]

Today was a good day for me. I attended few rooms and chat a lot.
I was thinking about recovery and the way I am feeling. I imagined a balance scale, on one side is gambling urges, and on the other side is other hobbies and positive activities. If we feel one side with activities and hobbies the other side will loses the weight until it becomes weightless.
So I need keep adding to things that I do in recovery to fill the scale balance.
One day at a time

[sam.sam]

It was really nice to see you in the group and also knowing that you are getting enjoyment from your activities.
The pleasure of being with you and others is not some thing I can appreciate enough.
Any think that I have learn about addiction was trough people in here who helped me.

We are a community and we are doing that together. I hope you will always be positive and happy.
All the best P.
Sam.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, that’s a really good way of looking at gambling. As the scale weighs more and more in the other direction, gambling , or indeed not gambling becomes a much smaller focus in our lives, and we have room for all the more normal things in our lives. You mention hobbies. What are yours? Have you taken any of the, up again. I don’t think I have any really. I used to love sport and socialising, but now I feel too fat and frumpy!!

[sam.sam]

I hope that you are strong and positive today. Very good question you asked me. What is my hobby? Unfortunately none at the moment, isn’t it strange I talk about what I believe would help my recovery but I have not started it.
One attractive activity we both do at the moment is reading the forum, attending the groups, and keeping an eye on ourself making sure we do not gamble.
It was an idea that I mentioned in my post that we need, have to fill the emptiness in our life with hobbies.
You made me feel I need to put the idea in to action soon.
At the moment most my time is either reading on the net about gambling or watching documentaries which talking about our mind and the way it works.
But Sad, idea may become actin soon. I am working on myself.

Sad I am sure that you will find a way to start your old hobbies again, socialising, and a lot of new hobbies.

Thanks for your post. One day at a time.
Sam.

[匿名]

Sam I think that is a very good use of your time. Spending your time being completely focused on not gambling is a great way to a great future.i kinda do the same. I research lots of things like self improvement, how to raise a happy child etc.. I must be a little OCD but I do a count every day to make sure he has had at least five fruit and veg. Yet , and this i can’t understand, I gorge on chocolate, crisps, bread and any old rubbish. Fruit and veg are not a priority. I think I have to extend the notion of I am worth it to my diet. So there is my focus for this week. Eating healthily and sleeping enough.

[sam.sam]

It is good that you take care of your child. One that is very important is to give a child as much love as possible. Touching them and paying attention when they speak.
But do not forget to pay attention to the child within yourself. use the time spending with your child to be playful and let the adult in you rest for a minute or two.
Children are very good at understanding if we are paying attention to them because we care and enjoy doing that or just as our duty towards them.
Take care sad and get enough rest, and eat plenty of veg and fruit .
All the best,
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Today is my appointment time in Soho Clinic. Waken up early and feel a little nervous.
I went to my email account and checked old emails that I wrote in 2003 to Gamcare, and Gordon House in 2006-07.
Read in those letters how I was feeling then. How helpless, desperate I was, to get help, and how helpful they were.
I feel a lot better now. I am taking another positive step today to make sure I will stay in the recovery.

I was looking for shuller who gave me very good advice in here on 2 of my posts. where ever you are shuller, I thank you again.

I will write about Soho clinic tonight after my appointment.

Thank you all,
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Today I was in a situation, and a place, that nearly made me run into a betting shop. My eyes actually was looking to see if there was one.
I was a bit disappointed/angry, then the urge took over me. I looked around and see no betting shop. I knew there was one some where here, so where is it now!?
I walked further and my recovery mind took over(it all happened in a matter of 5 minutes) now passing so many betting shops, looking at them, and passing them. I just thought for a second about not having money if I go in, and that was in this occasion strong enough to take the urge away. I went to a restaurant and sat, looked at people enjoying their meal. I ordered, ate and left. Now I was in front of a Casino, every thing started 15 years ago, in here. The first bet, the first Casino, the first gambling rush…
I stopped Looked trough the glass, saw the roulette machines, and left.
I made a mistake today. I took money with me. I did not plan, I rushed out to get to my appointment, so I carried with me the money that was meant for a payment and bills.
I was lucky that was able to visualize the possible outcome of the gambling there and then. My mind decided not to gamble today.
Came home and I was happy.
Do not carry money with you.
One day at a time.

[monique]

I love this post. It is such a clear, step by step description of a process that so many others must also experience – urges, ‘temptation’, danger signals, but, best of all, the ability to think about what is happening and managing to stay away from the gambling. I think this is so useful to have on here. Thank you and all good wishes, as ever.

Monique

[sam.sam]

Yes, It was a good lesson for me.
After effect was that I felt very tired when I arrived home.

I am not sure if in that short internal fight I had, to guard the signal, created by anger/disappointment, to reach the correct destination in my brain and activate the defence system.
How much mental energy I spent, I do not know but for sure it made me very tired.
I am still tired.
Sam.

[ready2change]

Hi Sam you done great yesterday really well done be proud you went to the restaurant and not the bookies hope it was a nice meal. I also am a danger carrrying money. Hope you get a good sleep. Take care

[monique]

Hi Sam. Fighting emotional battles is a tiring business. I am not surprised you feel tired. Look after yourself in whatever ways you know will lift your spirits and restore your energy now.
Monique

[p]

Hi sam i am in group now i see you logged in, we are there now if you want to chat

P

[p]

Sam i am in lees group
I think you logged in but no one there, he is there now

P

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much for your post. I think now I understand fully, how not having money on us, would help.
All the best,
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Last night I was very tired and fall sleep really early, and woke up came to the room/group, no one there, I went back to sleep.
I hope you are feeling good today.
See you later P.

[sam.sam]

I am just writing what I am thinking about now. It is not even an Idea yet. It is only what went trough my mind and I stopped it to process it, and see if I can use it in my recovery.

How long is since your last bet? question we have been asked time and time.

I asked myself again today. I could simply answer, 3 months.
Then I asked myself how often did I play? Usually when ever had money to spend… How often did you have money to spend? Every two weeks. OK, how many two weeks periods are there in these 3 months that you haven’t gambled? 6 periods of two weeks in 3 months.
Now My gambling mind or brains part knows that every two weeks, he should expect the high mood(money available) and usually the low mood follows after that(losing money).
Any change that is happening to me in this order(for me every two weeks) tiredness, low mood, anger, You name it, anything unusual, becoming energetic, could be some thing to do with the timing, which Our brains(addicted part) High lighted in his/her diary. Be aware of that pattern.
I was thinking it could be useful for us as CGs in recovery and also, some thing for partners or family, who are helping us in recovery to be aware of.
Our brain loves patterns, It could be what is happening to me right now, ups and downs in my mood, just like when I was active and betting.
Knowing that now will help me to understand and control it.

[p]

I am so happy to read that you went to the restaurant and ate yummy food instead of going in to bet.. it is scary isn’t it for that split second we can almost make a wrong decision back into relapse which is why not carrying money if not absolutely necessary is a good idea. So happy you made the right choice and i can’t wait to hear more of the clinic.. soho.
Thanks for always chatting in groups 🙂

P

[monique]

Hi Sam

Just saw that and I think those are very useful ideas for us all to consider.
Monique

[p]

Group on in ten minutes 🙂

[sam.sam]

Tonight I will try to sleep earlier, before 12 midnight, so I can wake up early and go out, walking in the park. If it is raining still will go. I used to say I am not dust to be affected with rain. Norwegian say, there is no bad weather, but bad clothes. It means proper clothing would keep you warm and not letting you get wet. Ill try to put in in practice and see if it works.
One day at a time.

[匿名]

Hi Sam. Thank you for your post on my thread. You are right I have been quiet. Work incident..you can read on my thread. I have been too distracted by it. Really proud of you for walking past that bookies. The urges will come it’s how we handle them that counts. Really super!! I am shocked at how an incident has left me incredibly upset and obsessing about it. But thankfully while I can’t say I have urges the thought has browsed my mind that if I won the lottery i could tell the where to put their job. Lol Did you get up early. I went to bed early too to escape my mind, and woke up early and went to town. .it was nice.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. It is good to talk about it and let go. Do not let this affects your mood.
I was not able to sleep early, but woke up early which was progress.
You take care Sad and keep posting please.
See you soon.

[vera]

Hi Sam!
Just checked the Chat to see if you might be there?

??

[sam.sam]

Hi Vera,
I will be in the group in 1 hour, 10 o’clock. I hope to see yo there.

[vera]

Are you ok Sam?
GT is very quiet today!

[sam.sam]

Hi Vera. I am fine thanks. I feel very tired. Today did not go to any room at all.
I hope you are ok Vera. see you tomorrow hopefully.
All the best.

[p]

Hi Sam i haven’t seen you in a while for a chat i am glad that you are doing ok lately.. hope to see you again soon

P

[sam.sam]

Hi P. I miss you too. Believe me you and few others who have been a part of my recovery, are always in my mind, even when I am not on this site.
These few days I have not been feeling really good. I am not complaining but as you know yourself there are ups and downs in recovery. I am glad that I can tell you that I have not been thinking about gambling at all and do not have any attraction to that. I am just going trough a faze of understanding my own feelings now. Some times I did not go to the chat rooms, just because I felt I am repeating myself and it made me feel uncomfortable. Given myself time to organize my mind and see why I feel the way I feel.
It is always good to hear from you P.
You take a good care of yourself, and see you soon.
Sam.

[匿名]

Hi Sam, Vera and I sending out a search party to find you.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. Thank you and Vera for being good friends for me. I am here sitting and calculating some rent payments. If there is any group open later tonight I would see you there. If you were awake.
Thanks again, and say hello to Vera.

[vera]

Yes we are, Sam but maybe you want a break from GT for a while?
Its gone very quiet here!
Whats happening?

[sam.sam]

I came to one of gambling group today. No body there so i did not stay long. I have not been very keen in writing for the last few days, and thought if i come to the chat rooms, groups, I might have to sit quiet, not talking, there for I did not come.
Today I went trough all my housing payment letters and bills. They sent me a letter today that I owe them money and they may take me to court for possession of my flat if I did not pay …amount.
I checked my papers and realized they have been calculating from the wrong date, which makes them see a short fall of £400. I called them and all sorted, asking me to take my papers so they can make a copy of that.
Two people started apologizing for what happened.
This is the recovery and the benefit of not gambling. I always thought I could not be right, they know more than me, and they have all the fact and documents. But now I know we have to take care of our rights other wise no one would do that for us.
When Charles had to reassure me that I am progressing in my recovery, in my heart I was not so sure. Now I understand what he was saying.
When letters come in the past I usually put them aside and do not open them, some times until next week, or never.. Now I make sure I know what is happening in my life, in my flat, in my area where I live, AND most importantly ” in my head”.
Recovery and progress may not be a sudden sunshine but for sure if we give it a chance and time, it will come from behind the cloud and make our life easier.
All the best.
Sam.

[vera]

Well done on asserting your rights Sam! Very nice of the staff to admit their mistakes. As you say if you were gambling those letters would be ignored because you could not concentrate or focus on dealing with the outcome.
Charles is right! Recovery has a knock on effect! No magic wands. Just steady progress. ODAAT!
I went to the Chat at midnight. No one there. Came back 20 mins later. You had been and gone. Maybe we will meet in the group later this pm. GT is gone very quiet.

[sam.sam]

Vera check this: https://www.falundafa.org/

[vera]

thanks Sam!

[p]

Hi Sam
Good to see you standing up for you and i hope to see you again in group again soon.. sometimes i go through quiet times too and differing moods, its all part of the process i think..

P

[匿名]

Hi Sam I’m glad to see you are tackling things head on. It’s so easy to let things slide and then we end up in a worse situation. I hope you are doing well, and filling your life with lots of good things. Do you still see your elderly neighbour? I have not
been on here so much either. Kinda just have little to say although have been
reading others posts. Take care

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad, I just came back from visiting my neighbour. He is ok.
Life is good here and recovery is going well. Slowly thing are improving.
Not gambling.
One day at a time.
All the best.

[vera]

Went to the group Sam.
Nobody there!

[sam.sam]

Hi Vera,
I was in the group for a while with Lauraine and Raymond. I guess you came later, when we all left. Sorry to have missed you. I hope you are well and I will see you later today.
All the best.
Sam.

[vera]

Missed you in Charles’ group Sam.
Hope everything is ok?

[sam.sam]

Hi Vera. Earlier today I wrote for you but it seems that my internet connection causing problem for me.
Today was quite a good day. I woke up early, and I arranged one of my appointments with hospital(my arm shoulder pain)and few small jobs done. Went for a walk, and did my shopping’s, but in the afternoon I was very tired and fall sleep around 3 o’clock. That is why I missed the Charles group.
Not even a bit of urge for gambling these days.
I am sure that I have to find a new hobby or some thing that interest me, paying attention and spending time doing that. What I see now is that days becoming boring, doing nothing. I was looking at the open university to study again, but I feel need to be physically activated if I want to stay clean.
Life is making sense more than before now, without making me scare or panicky. It is I think a good sign of recovery.
As you know negative though is always there but not giving them a chance to take over the positive part of me is what I am concentrating on. One important thing I learned here is that I am responsible for me, and I should not let any one else life affect my own recovery. We can not do their home work for them. That is how I can, put aside my family problems and stay in a calm state of mind and spent some quality time with myself, paying attention to inner me.
How is every thing with you Vera? I hope life is getting easier.
I will see you soon.
All the best.

[p]

I know what you mean about the hobby, i need to find some too, i am just starting to get very restless and wondering what i can do.. it is good thinking these thoughts though as before they were just all occupied with gambling.
Sounds like things are moving forward for us hey some days are up and down but its life and we are living it now instead of gambling…

P

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Nice to hear from you. Yes exactly, as you said, ups and down have always been there, but we never noticed them. Now we are here and living it in full.
Not gambling today,
I am awake, not sleep walking any more.
All the best P.

[velvet]

Hi Same
The void left by an addiction being turfed out of the mind is a well know condition.
What did gambling stop you doing?
I found myself a few years ago with a void and many people were suggesting ways I could fill it but it was all what they liked and didn’t suit me. I found myself obsessed with the thought ‘I must get a hobby’ and I found that stunted my thoughts because it sounded like a chore. Allow your mind the freedom to decide what you would like to do.
Nothing happened for me until I remembered enjoying playing table-tennis when I was younger before ‘life’ took over in other ways. I am now playing it to the nth degree because it is cheap, physically exhausting, sociable and most of all I love it. I know that money is often a problem when starting to live again (hence the table-tennis) but what tickles ‘your’ taste-buds’
One CG got a dog and that changed his life. It took him out walking where he met other people and he felt a responsibility to the dog which fulfilled something that was lacking in his life.
Physical effort does put you in touch with the ‘inner you’ even if you are puffing like mad afterwards and it needn’t cost much but you have to ‘want’ it.
I will look again soon to see if you are getting ready for snow-boarding at the next Olympics or offering me a challenge to a table-tennis match but be warned I have a wicked service!
Velvet

[匿名]

Hi Sam, I just wrote about needing a hobby a few days ago. Something to distract me when I’m feeling anxious or troubled about things. I think it is a huge mark of how far we have come that instead of fighting the urge to gamble all the time we are looking for ways to fill the void that has been left in our minds and in our lives. I think the open university is a great idea, but I would not rule out attending a local university if there is one near you. It will open up a whole new world of friends and activities. Most courses can be taken part time anyway. Just a suggestion..!!! Most universities have a “widening access” project on the go, so the officer in charge of this could be a good starting point. Sorry if you know all this already.. So that’s really brill that you are not having urges. The freedom is amazing isn’t it after the struggle. Love reading you posts . Rem you are worth it!!

[sam.sam]

Hi Velvet, Thank you very much for your beautiful Post. I am agree with all you said about getting physically active with what we are passionate about so we can enjoy every second of that.
Socially getting involved also is one that I am missing in my life and have to work on that.
feeling of Responsibility for ourself and or some one else also would help me in my recovery.
You have mentioned all that i need to do. Thanks for that.
You made me smile writing about Olympic games, it was funny. Challenging you on table tennis no way that I can control your services, but I can run after the balls if you miss them lol bring them back to the table.
It was nice hearing from you Velvet. Thanks again and All the best .

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad, it was nice seeing you in the group today.
Yes Sad I am looking at the possibility of going to uni or college again, and do a part time course.
You are right that going to the college instead of on line course have its own positive points, meeting people and have a social contact at the same time.
I will sure work on the idea.
It is strange, that the urges gone. Now I walk in streets, not in a hurry but slow with an open eyes, watching people and places and observe the life around me.
It is enjoy able.
All the best P. Keep on doing the nice work.
See you soon.

[sam.sam]

Black Dog Days

[vera]

Are you coming back to the chat Sam?

[p]

Hi Sam

I hope that things are going well for you today, i haven’t seen you around as often but i also understand that sometimes we need to take a step back from it all…

P

[sam.sam]

Thank you P for being here and supporting all of us.
Yes I am not really feeling high in in spirit These days. Sleeping too much in day times. waking up upset of it all, not being able to eat much. Generally I am not happy with myself. Gambling has been long gone, no urges at all.
I feel and acting like, when i was gambling, coming home and sleeping so the time passes and the pain goes away. Now I am acting the same.
Planing to start from next day, waking up and doing some thing positive, but next day never comes.
I was ok, high for few days, but suddenly felt this way again, down, and less able to do any thing.
I am going to make appointment and see my GP to see if it is depression coming back. I need more energy, I need to get out. I am lucky I have all barriers placed otherwise in this situation I would have gone back gambling. Thanks to you all, and help I get from here.
I am not complaining but this is how i feel, and may be that is the reason, haven’t been to groups much, not feeling to explain myself.
Thanks again P for being here.

[vera]

Sorry to hear you are unwell, Sam. I missed you in the groups.
I wasn’t feeling great myself today. My husband and son were going to Dublin. I was talking to Charles in the Topic Group. Suddenly, I just decided that I would force myself to go too. (Sorry for abrupt departure Charles. Very bad manners!) Anyway, I’m home now. I didn’t wait to attend the literary group where a new book was being launched but I felt good for going out when I could have sat at home feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes we have to force ourselves Sam but we have to cut our cloth to size too.
Maybe a break away from your routine for a couple of days would help?

[monique]

Sounds wise to have a check-up with doctor.

I hope your spirits will soon rise again and you will have more energy and enthusiasm.

Sometimes, though, we do need moments of ‘retreat’ and quiet. Although I think you are not feeling you are just being quiet, but there is also some unwelcome lethargy and desire to hide away – that is what I am hearing, if I have got it right.

I am sure you are reflecting on what may be going on and maybe you can think about other times you felt like this and what helped then?

Is it a time to accept the need for quiet or a time to seek help to get you feeling better again? Talking with your doctor may help you working out what is best.

As you say, it is good that barriers to gambling are firmly in place.

I wish you well.

Monique

[sam.sam]

Hi Vera. Thank you for your post. I feel better today. It is interesting or strange that some times, small step we take, changes our mood or even direction.
I had a visit from a friend and it changed the rest of the day for me. I went out did some shopping, and windows shopping. I felt quite better.
You did very good to have gone to Dublin with your family. I am sure charles will understand that.
Staying at home for me is becoming very disturbing. I am seriously excluded myself from every where and every one.
It was my defence system before but now it is some thing to be aware of and deal with it.
One thing that keeps me at home without being bored and stay up at night is the internet, basically the computer. watching movies, and social networks, which gives me the false believe that I am not alone and am in touch with others.
Now I have to change it.
I feel worthless and it is a danger in my situation to feel like that.
This week I have to seriously work on it and if not successful then i will have to pack my computer and not use that for a while until I become comfortable with myself. Of course I will continue to come here even if it means going to internet shops, but for now might be the best not to have internet at home.
Let me see what I can do this week.
All the best Vera.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique. Thank you very much for your support. I think you are right when you saying I am hiding away. It is time to change to better monique. I have some plans and I will try my best to put them in action.
And yes the best thing I did was to place barriers in place, otherwise I would be in the day one again feeling unworthy of recovery. But now I feel i deserve it and willing to fight for that.
Thank you again for your support,
All the best.

[p]

HI again Sam

I missed all the groups this morning… just wanted to say i hope you are going well and look forward to our next chat

P

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Thanks for your post. I am fine. yesterday was quite a good day. a friend called and we went out for dinner, few hours of good time. Otherwise I would have stayed in bed as usual.
I am missing most of group sessions. t first It made me mad, but now I try to get there but if I missed that i do not let it make me unhappy.
I was reading your post on your page, and am glad to see that you are happy and in progress. You talked about your cat, and i thought about action and reactions, you are becoming happier person and any one, any thing around you becomes happy, your cat, your flowers, the air, the water…
Keep doing what is making you, you, and happy.
All the best P.

[vera]

Just thinking about you Sam and wondering how the job went this weekend.

[vera]

THANKS, SAM!!!

[sam.sam]

Today I was disappointed with myself. I could not go to work because I had appointment with some one to come and check the smoke alarm, and completely had forgotten about that.
What lessen can I get from that while in recovery?
If I could check my appointment and plans at the end of each week, then I can place the appointment papers handy, so not only I wont miss them but also not to make any plan for the same day/time.
This way slowly I will train my mind to plan for every single thing in life, knowing what to expect, and not to rush things trough.
Life is becoming simpler and more enjoyable.

[p]

Hi sam it was nice to see you in chat.. small steps.. things like that happen re the job and you have already thought what can i do about it next time.. good you have a plan. dont be too hard on your self.. you are doing great in your recovery

P

[Dunc]

Hey Sam

I must have missed the news on your job, can you share a little about it?

Take Care
H

[sam.sam]

Hi Harry,
I was offered a weekend job in the hostel I worked before. I took it as I was getting very board at home, and also felt it may help me get out and start becoming more active.
I did the job for 3 days, sat,sun, and Monday. On Tuesday had an appointment with people to come and repair the alarm at home, so had to stay in whole day. I called my employer and told him the problem.
The next day he called and said there is no more job to be done. So no more job for now.
Today he called me again at 11 o’clock asking me to go if I can and do some work so they are able to finish the job(half day work).
I did make some excuse and did not go. I had my own reasons, mainly to show him that I am desperate for work.
With this guy we go a long way back. Even though he was the manager, but I thought him so many things while working with him.
Being 6 month with that company I asked the general manager for increase in my salary, and she told me that, my manager(this guy) has told her that he is still training me after 6 months being on that job.
Any job that I was doing then I used to take a picture before and after the completion of the job. So I show them and after a big argument with him, I left the company. He was too ruthless to feel ashamed of what he said behind my back or accepting the fact that he is only a cowboy builder who hides his imperfection behind me and others who work for the company.
Any ways, years passed and as I never been some one to hate any one, no matter what they do(may be it was my gambling part) I some times got some contract work from this guy, not working under him any more.
The main point of these post is to say that, him telling me there is no more job was actually his way of saying, because you did not come work one day, you have lost the opportunity, and I do not give you the job.
But at the same time with people he has there, and I saw them on the site, he realised today, at 10 o’clock that he can not finish the job, there for calling me asking me to go at 12 noon if I can.
That was the whole story, and a reminder for me that, I am not gambling any more and no one has the right to play games with me any more. I know my abilities and will not let people bully or mistake me as a slave worker.
I am glad with myself and the recovery.
All the best Harry.

[sam.sam]

Today I s a good day. Before I go out I was thinking about the risk that is around me to day. Last night had bad experience talking to my sister, supportive and very disappointing for me.
I know that this sort of situation might trigger the beast in me, and wake him up. So I am more carefully now and look for signs of the gambling beast tricks trying to make me go back to his word.
Money is our drug, fuel to gambling, with no money there is no chance of gambling.
on Thursday I received some money, over 2 k, and I knew if I do not act fast, Ill will find a way to break all the barriers, travel to another city, and so on, so I decided to spend it on my debt and do support some family members with that.
The question is what happened to the person who used to keep my money, credit cards?
He used my money for himself once so i took the card back from him. he meant to put it back but I couldn’t trust him any more. So I found some one else To keep my card and I can check my account on line.
I have saved this money, at £40 a week over the last one year, main reason to go and see my mother after 20 years of being away.
I came here to support group today as I was confused a little, about my feelings, anger, and frustration. Talked to harry and I think it did help, there for I came here to forum and started writing about it.
If you are angry for any reason, your fault or some one else, come here and start writhing about it, instead of running out with money in your pocket.
Writhing about it will help to give yourself time to think about the situation and not to rush to making a bad decision.
Thanks to this site that brought us together to help one another in difficult time.

[sam.sam]

Today passed with out any gambling. The wolf was walking around me, smelling the fear in the air, seeing the fear in my eyes, and my heart. He got closer he was right, there was an opportunity for him. my knees was shaking like jelly. I had money available and he knew that, he knew that even before it was in my account. I rushed to my friend and gave him the money, and stayed with him. We went out so he can walk his dog in the evening, we passed a shop William hill, betting shop, strangely he asked me if I wanted to play! I thought he was testing me, but when i said no, he gave me the dog and went in, he played while I walk around the shop. I can not say I could not feel any thing. I was feeling I want to go in. I was not ban there. I could go…I left and did not wait for him to come back. My fear was stronger than my willingness to go in. I knew at the back of my mind there is a wolf watching me to make a mistake, I left I went to my friend place in front of his place and waited until he came back. I am not going there again, and if i go never with a penny in my pocket.
I am not cured, I may never find cure from this addiction, but I learn more every day how to chain him. i must keep away from any situation that may end with me in the same situation again.
I know the only thing that I can do is to not trust myself but the tools and ways that i learn inhere to place a long distance between me and opportunity to gamble.
Tonight was dangerous but I was stronger than my addiction.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

[April]

Hello sam.sam. I am new here as of yesterday and just wanted to pop a quick note here on something you wrote that caught my attention. About there being no Cure but that one needs to Chain the Beast that is the gambling addiction. That is how I too often feel about my gambling problem. That I’ll always struggle with my addiction but will put my best foot forward to keep the Beast reigned within and simply(? no not that simple) to not ever let it out again. I am at the start of Day 3 for me with no gambling in it and yes, One Day At A Time! I will get through today and take tomorrow when it comes. Stay strong, you can do it!

[sam.sam]

Hi April, and welcome to this forum. As you already know this is the reality of our life. Is like we have heart problem and the Dr tell us if you smoke you might not die but you become paralleled.
It is the same with our addiction, it would take all the activities away from our life. Any thing that is dear and important for us, would be taken away from us.
I made a mistake yesterday, and went to a place that did not know there is a betting shop. Today I went there and self excluded myself. I need to go some times and see this friend, and did not want to be worry about that shop.
One day at a time, and also look for any hole in your defence system, money availability, shops on your way to work, or near family and friends.
It is not easy to keep one eye on watch, but it becomes automatic after a while, and you will enjoy that.
I hope to see you in support group soon.
Well done April, and all the best in your recovery process.

[monique]

I have been reading your posts and am impressed at your determination to maintain a gambling free life. You also explain the temptations and difficulties very clearly and how you deal with them. I am sure this will help many others understand their struggles better and deal with them successfully. Writing helps you, I think, and in turn supports others.
Best wishes,
Monique

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique, and thanks for your supporting post.
I am sorry that I have missed so many of your support groups. The reason being was that, first of all my intention was to limit my access to internet, there for less time spend on the net. But at the same time was emotionally under pressure by the negative feelings I had after talking to my sister. I was not talking to her for quite a long time, when she all she was doing was complaining about other family members constantly, and I was myself in the process of giving up gambling. When i told him nicely to forget a bout the past and forgive people for what they have done, she put the phone down and and never contacted me until recently. I can not tell her how angry I feel when she is none stop talking about others, what they have done, what she has done for them….I do not want to reason with her and there for Just listening to her and get angrier and and angrier until she say good bye.
Each time such a thing happens, I know that I would be in danger, but how can I explain to some one like my sister that she is making me, pushing me in to the red area full of dangers.
I know as a recovering CG, I should not let this situation be used as an excuse to destroy what I have done for the last few months. I am working on myself, my behaviours, my reactions, level of anxiety, and how I am dealing with them.
I owe all this Technics and strength to you all in here, and even If I am not here every day, but every day, when in fronted with a difficult situation, I think about you, harry, Charles, and try to remember all you would say to me if you were here. This site, forum, support group is not just on the internet for me but in my blood and in my head, with me, walking me trough the dangers and happy time in life.
If I am not present in your room but I am with you always.
Thanks for every thing, all the best.

[monique]

Family relationships are sometimes the most difficult of all and bring up so many strong feelings in us. It doesn’t sound as if your sister is in a very good place herself just now, so you probably just have to protect yourself and politely explain briefly (as you did). In time, she may appreciate more about your needs and feelings, but I think you know you have to take care of your own recovery for now. You may be surprised later to find that she has learned from your example – but none of that is within your control, of course.
If you need to reduce your online time, I think we all respect that – everything here is to help you in recovery and when you need another way it is good that you know yourself well enough to follow your own inner wisdom. As you say, a lot of what you have learned is within you now and you can practice it.
Best wishes as always,

Monique

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,

Thank you for your support. You are right it is very difficult to explain myself to my family. They just like to think that they know better and are the one in control.
The only thing that has still keep me connected to this strangers(who call themselves my family) is My mother. Now I just have to keep away from them and do not waste my energy.
I can not even think about it without feeling angry.
I think the best way for me at the moment is find an excuse and distance from them for time being.
I am not strong at the moment to battle my addiction and at the same time worry about them and what they are thinking or doing. I am not a selfish person but, I have started to actually like myself.
Thanks again, and all the best monique.

[sam.sam]

Hi every one, To all my recovery mates, who have been there for me, understanding my emotional needs, being there listening to me, advising me when I needed or just reading my posts, and admins, Charles, Janey, Katie, Velvet, Harry, Lee, Dave, Paul, Monique , Wayne, Richard, who have given their time and support and knowledge, and valuable experiences they have, to encourage us to look around us and within us, and see who we are really, and understand that we can better ourself without a need to gamble.
For me personally the journey of recovery started years ago when I went to Gordon house, and saw how 11 people were leaving together and helping each other through the difficult times of being far from family and closed ones. How they helped me when I was new and trying to make me understand my addiction better in order to control it. They used to call the Gordon house the “University of life”. And now I understand it why they were calling that a university of life.
I feel We could look at this website, support group and the forum the same way. I learned all that I know about my emotions, and addiction in here or by directions and links provided by members and staff.
I am grateful. It has been more that 4 months now that I have been clean. I can enjoy the sunshine, and a good weather again. I am more confident as I do not let people use the past against me and manipulate me any more. I am not sleep walking any more, I am walking and progressing to be a better me, for myself and others who are or come to my life.
Love you all, and wish you all the best.

[p]

Hi Sam
Good to see you are around here a lot more and that recovery is going well for you.. Might catch you soon again in chat, think i just missed you this morning

P

[monique]

Thank you for another thoughtful and wise post, Sam.

Best wishes,

Monique

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Thank you for posting. Hopefully I see you soon in a group support group. You take care P.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique, Thank you for your post.
I just started writing and that is were I ended.
All the best.

[p]

Hi there Sam

Things have been a little quiet round here of late, hopefully you will be in chat soon and we can catch up then.. I’ve been having those monster urges again. Hope all is well for you

P

[匿名]

Hi Sam. Just dropping by to say hi. Really struggling right now. Hope all is well with you . Talk soon

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Thanks for your post. I am fine and safe. I am at the moment struggling with family members, and the way they think. It was easier for me when was not in touch and they also did not think of me as some one they can talk to. It seems they are the one who need support not me.
My dear P, These urges will go away if you want them to go away. we all know how to deal with them. for me is to avoid getting angry, or disappointed from my own actions. For some going to a short holiday helps. studying a subject you like in a college would really help. It is just the way we feed our brain. If you do not give it some thing to think about then it will think about what it likes(gambling…) make it busy P.
Hope fully Ill see you soon.
take care my friend.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. It has been a long time since we last talked. I hope you would come out of those struggles and find calm and quiet time inside you.
Here not every thing is al right but I feel in control more or less.
Comparing with when i was in the game, now is the holiday for me.
You take care Sad, and take it one day at a time please.

[vera]

SAM!

Where are you?
I hope you are ok.
I had a set back on Sunday….
Other than that I’m ok.

Give us an update soon.
I looked into the chat late at night a few times but you weren’t there……
?

[匿名]

Where are you Sam. Is it good or bad you are not about? I am back in recovery.. Well day 2 again but feeling really positive and motivated. I hide away when things are bad. Hope to see you on here soon,

[sam.sam]

It has been a long time since I was here. I am back to stay. as simple as that. Wednesday 16 is my first counselling session with Soho centre. I am looking forward to that. any question that you my friend have will be answered truly . In time we can communicate so my mistakes bring some reassurance that, the only way staying clean is to follow what the staff in here are saying, no other way. love you all for being here

[sam.sam]

It has been a long time since I was here. I am back to stay. as simple as that. Wednesday 16 is my first counselling session with Soho centre. I am looking forward to that. any question that you my friend have will be answered truly . In time we can communicate so my mistakes bring some reassurance that, the only way staying clean is to follow what the staff in here are saying, no other way. love you all for being here

[sam.sam]

I am glad for you sad63. I pray for you, we talk soon, when i am more permanent here

[vera]

WELCOME BACK SAM!
I was really worried about you! I knew you had planned a trip home in May. I was wondering if you were ever coming back!
Great to hear from you!

[p]

So good to see a post from you.. glad you are back

P

[sam.sam]

Hi Vera. I am glad to see you here. I did not go. I was struggling with the addiction. I sank into playing machines again, losing money and time and consequently becoming depress.
I had my first group therapy in Soho centre yesterday eve. I will write about my experiences, opinion, in my journal soon.
I am already feeling better, being back. Never give up giving up. That is what my GP used to tell me about trying to stop smoking.
Vera, talk to you soon, hopefully in a group.
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Sorry I haven’t been in touch.
Here I am again among you with the hope that this time I am more open to the changes that I want to make in my life.
It is very nice to see your message here P.
See you soon my friend.
Sam.

[sam.sam]

After a long time in waiting list, my starting point was last month. Unfortunately I had started gambling again, and missed the appointment. The good thing was that I quickly contacted them and explained my situation(that I am interested to attend and apologising for wasting their time) they send me a letter saying I would have to Waite for maximum of six month for the next appointment.
I was very angry with myself. But in my surprise they gave me another chance to attend their group therapy, in few weeks time.
Last night was the first session and it was for 2:30 hours. The first half was to feel a form, and the rest of time we had in the group. From now for 8 weeks we will have 2 hours group sessions once a week.
We were around 16 people, and two member of staff.

We got to know each other and talked about our past..gambling…,
we had a hand out(balance sheet, to think about ” what I like about gambling” “what I dislike about gambling” . And also a home work to write about: What I like about not gambling, and what I dislike about not gambling.(I find it quite a good question)
On the hand out which was given to us at the end of the day I could see the following:
Motivation and stimulus control, Goal.
Taking away the availability of gambling, reducing the opportunity to gamble.
And also some advice about how to self exclude and internet and how to block the gambling sites. gamblock, k9webprotection, netnanny.

To sum up, I can say that for the first session I felt quite good seeing myself in the road to progress in recovery. Hopefully every week it gets better.
Until then, watching my thought and behaviours.
Take care all.
Sam

[sam.sam]

After a long time in waiting list, my starting point was last month. Unfortunately I had started gambling again, and missed the appointment. The good thing was that I quickly contacted them and explained my situation(that I am interested to attend and apologising for wasting their time) they send me a letter saying I would have to Waite for maximum of six month for the next appointment.
I was very angry with myself. But in my surprise they gave me another chance to attend their group therapy, in few weeks time.
Last night was the first session and it was for 2:30 hours. The first half was to feel a form, and the rest of time we had in the group. From now for 8 weeks we will have 2 hours group sessions once a week.
We were around 16 people, and two member of staff.

We got to know each other and talked about our past..gambling…,
we had a hand out(balance sheet, to think about ” what I like about gambling” “what I dislike about gambling” . And also a home work to write about: What I like about not gambling, and what I dislike about not gambling.(I find it quite a good question)
On the hand out which was given to us at the end of the day I could see the following:
Motivation and stimulus control, Goal.
Taking away the availability of gambling, reducing the opportunity to gamble.
And also some advice about how to self exclude and internet and how to block the gambling sites. gamblock, k9webprotection, netnanny.

To sum up, I can say that for the first session I felt quite good seeing myself in the road to progress in recovery. Hopefully every week it gets better.
Until then, watching my thought and behaviours.
Take care all.
Sam

[匿名]

So great to see you back Sam. Can’t really talk at moment as my world is about to come crashing down and I am frantically seeking escape routes!! Glad you are making it!!

[匿名]

Hi Sam, sorry about that dramatic post. I thought I was done for. Thanks to Harry in support and a friend who has come to my rescue I live to see another day. Oh God what a horrible way to live. I am so pleased you are feeling good about yourself Sam and starting to look forward. I am finished with gambling and this is day two for me. Oh dear I just realised that is a lie because I bought a lottery ticket yesterday, although I don’t really see that as gambling!So today is Day 1 but hopefully the last time I will write that on here. Today is the 17th July the day my freedom started!!Please keep posting . I am going to do the exercises you have mentioned so please keep them coming ,and come on here everyday and avail of the support, while also continuing with my Christian course . I am fighting this battle with every weapon I have right now. Thank you for sharing this stuff with us all Sam . I think writing really sorts things out in your head!, keep posting. I missed u!!

[monique]

Hi Sam. I have been away for a little while, but it was nice to see you back on this forum on my return. That sounds good work in group therapy. Looking forward to hearing more about how you are getting on.
Best wishes,

Monique

[charles]

Hi Sam, good to see you posting. Hopefully see you back in a group again soon.

Keep posting.

[sam.sam]

Hi charles.
Glad to see your name here. Charles I am in the deepest hole ever. My addiction is co much stronger than me now. got my control like driving a car. I am getting mad. i need to talk to you soon. the classes are good in soho but yet has not effected me. I am in danger of not being able to take it this time. I need to talk to you alone on a chat room or don’t know, getting crazy man, i do not know myself any more, my mind is not mine any more, I need more help, need to be nail down with some water and get trough it. twice in a short time made the same mistake. dangerous steps. I have to talk to some one . sorry. I am lost with me.

[sam.sam]

Hi charles.
Glad to see your name here. Charles I am in the deepest hole ever. My addiction is co much stronger than me now. got my control like driving a car. I am getting mad. i need to talk to you soon. the classes are good in soho but yet has not effected me. I am in danger of not being able to take it this time. I need to talk to you alone on a chat room or don’t know, getting crazy man, i do not know myself any more, my mind is not mine any more, I need more help, need to be nail down with some water and get trough it. twice in a short time made the same mistake. dangerous steps. I have to talk to some one . sorry

[匿名]

HI Sam, get onto the help line tomorrow. If you are about now I can come into the open group if it’s any help. You sound like you are having a difficult time at the moment , so coming on here is the right thing to do.
Try to think of what you can do right now or in the next ten minutes if you can, maybe take a walk or listen to some music.I know how difficult that can be as thoughts can come so fast it can feel overwhelming. You have come through this before Sam …you will again. We are all here to offer support . It sounds like you have made a few mistakes.. We all have . Don’t beat yourself up. You are a good person who like us all is not perfect. You will get through this Sam. You are sensible and know when to reach out for support.Go to the helpline tomorrow morning and I will check the open group for you now!!

[monique]

Hi Sam. I am glad you are reaching out even though you feel you are in a terrible place. In the past, you made some good progress and I remember your positive posts and your wise thoughts in group. It is hard to get back when you ‘fall’ again, but it is definitely possible! Do keep living in hope and also taking the right steps moment by moment to get you back to a healthy place.

I have groups tonight at 20.00 hrs and 21.00 hrs UK time (drop in for everyone and then cg group).

Thinking of you,

Monique

[icandothis]

You are in my prayers today, Sam. Hang in there! I hope you find some comfort. As Sad said, we all have made mistakes. I have made many. We can recover from them. It is possible.

[匿名]

HI Sam. Hope you are feeling more upbeat! Let us know how you are doing!

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Sorry I could not make it to your session. I am not sure what I am going trough at the moment. It is uncertainty and confusion. I am very worry about every thing around me. I am awake and feel, that is only good thing about it, but it does makes it feel even worse. Reality is hard to accept at the moment. This will pass also.. I hope my next step will be wisely calculated.
Thanks again.

[sam.sam]

Hi. Thank you very much. I need as much prayers as I can at the moment. I am glad I am back here between you people who always helped me. Lets hope this time I will be more careful with my steps.
Thank you for being here

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. I am still in a worry land, and waiting to see the consequence of my stupid action. In one week I made my life upside down. I think I do not recognize my happiness any more, there for when I am in a good position and healthy circumstances I want to change it to uncertainty. Very strange.
Thanks Sad.

[p]

I am sorry to hear of your struggles with gambling at the moment but i am happy that you are here and sharing them that is a very good sign.. just hang in there.. says me.. the most hypocritical person it feels as i have relapsed more times than i have heard most people do.. i guess i just like to see people come back, it gives me hope and i feel happy to think that person is giving it another go again too.. you have had gamble free time before you can do it again.. I’m having struggles too but hang in there sam..

P

[monique]

Hi Sam. It is good to hear from you. As others have said, we are glad you are here and keeping in touch. We hope it helps and you are able to get to a better place soon.

Monique

[sam.sam]

Thank you all for being here for people in need.

[charles]

Sam, use all the support you have available…. the KEEP using it. You can do this and get through your currect problems.

Hopefully see you in a group again soon.

[sam.sam]

Hi. I have been away from gambling actions for around 4 weeks now. I do not count the weeks, but from the time table I have from my national problem gambling centre, I guess it is that long.
I have been going to my weekly meetings and am very happy with the way it is progressing.
As I mentioned before, my addiction came to the point that I took money from someone who trusted me and spent it on gambling. It was not easy situation, not emotionally and not in a legal perspective.
But in my surprise in both area I had so much help, from soho centre(gambling therapy centre) by them listening to me, and supporting me by promising follow up help after the 8 week course I am doing now. On the legal part of the situation, the person I talk to about what I have done, was very understanding and by agreeing on a repayment plan, allowed me to work on my addiction.
Now I am in a position to decide whether I want to gamble again, and make my life more miserable or I want to use this experience, to start building a healthy life towards the future.
I have already chosen the second approach, and towards that I am taking my counselling sessions very seriously and read to understand all the handouts from them. Infact I refer to them lots of time to reinforce the changes in my way of thinking. I can not say it is the best place I have ever referred myself to, but I can say that I am more ready for the change there for their teaching is more affective. In time I will write more about the way we do in our counselling sessions. all the best to all of you.

[sam.sam]

Hi Charles. Thanks for the support. I really enjoyed our chat in on friday. I hope we talk again soon.

[sam.sam]

I was looking for materials on gambling to educate myself towards being better at being away from gambling, and controlling the urges and I came across a video interview done by national problem gambling (soho centre) where I am at the moment attending for my cbt counselling sessions, in front of students. I will soon start to write about the classes I attend and the way it helped me, in details. Till then enjoy the time without gambling in your life. Sam. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow5buwxP1lA

[sam.sam]

I was looking for materials on gambling to educate myself towards being better at being away from gambling, and controlling the urges and I came across a video interview done by national problem gambling (soho centre) where I am at the moment attending for my cbt counselling sessions, in front of students. I will soon start to write about the classes I attend and the way it helped me, in details. Till then enjoy the time without gambling in your life. Sam. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow5buwxP1lA

[匿名]

Sam I just watching a great video right now called “understanding joy”.. Really good !!!

[monique]

Some great updates, Sam. Thank you for sharing your experiences, which I hope helps you and will surely help others too. I continue to wish you well.

Monique

[p]

I cant wait to hear of the things you are learning, that is fantastic that you are going to share them with us that is very kind.. hope you have a wonderful day today

P

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. I was just in your page and reading the latest update from your journal. I am glad that you are aware of your thought a trying to control them. I am sure that you are strong and are able to control the gambling urges.
The video you recommended, ” understanding joy” I have just finished watching that, and think it is the story of us, all. If continueing gambling that is what is waiting for us. Hope not. I have watching a lots of videos and documentaries on gambling these days. Most of them are the story of our life on screen. I am taking notes of the point they are trying to make, and think about them. Using them to understand what is the gambling, or changes in our brain would do to us, or makes us do, or think about doing.
I hope all be good for you today Sad. All the best.

[sam.sam]

Hi P. I hope everything is ok for you now. I was just reading your page, and felt sorry that I was not here when you were going through the hard time. Hopefully it does not happens again a life will treat you a lot better. We all are in the same boat. the weather changing in our sea of life and our boat moves unexpectedly over and under the waves. But we are still here watching. All the best my dear P.

[sam.sam]

Hi every one. As I mentioned before, from this week I will write about what we were learning in the 8 weeks of my counseling course.
we usually where 8 people attending our meeting on average I will try to make it very short so you wont get bored with long written texts.
The first thing was for us to have a “GOAL” for treatment.
My goal is ……………………..
Remember also to think about how READY and how CONFIDENT you feel about changing. You can do this by estimating how you feel to change:
Right now I would rate how ready I feel to change as …/10
Right now I would rate how confident I feel to achieve change as …./10

when you are done,look at the figures you put there, if it is “1” why is it not zero? what was that made you write 1 not zero?
Also, think what might need to happen for the score to move up 1, say from 1 to a 2? how would you know that things had changed? what could you do right now to make a number move up one notch?

I can improve how ready and/ or confident I am right now by :………………………………………………………………………………….
STIMULUS CONTROL:
Stimulus control simply means taking away the availability of gambling, reducing the opportunity to gamble.
Gambling is an impulse control disorder; what this means is that people find themselves gambling often without making a conscious decision to do so. they act as impulse only.

” Gambling stimulus >>>>>>>>Gambling behaviour”
A gambling stimulus simply means something that reminds you of gambling; that might be the sight of a bookmaker’s premises, particular sporting event or an advertisement of some kind. A stimulus can also be access to “spare” money, cash that you think you can afford to lose and that no-one will know about it.
In the early days of change it is important to try to limit your exposure to gambling stimulus as much as possible. Obviously it is very difficult; people need to walk down a street and carry money at some point.
So we talk about limiting exposure. By limiting that we are aiming to interrupt the automatic process of being exposed to stimulus and going on to gamble.
Say you are walking down the street and you see the bookmaker’s premises, you know that a football match is about to start and you think you can predict the result of it. You start thinking about gambling and automatically begin to walk towards the book maker’s, at the same time you reach into your pocket and find that you have left your wallet at home. You have no money.
in this scenario the automatic process of gambling is halted and you have to think twice about what to do. Now, that thought might well be how to get money, but it might also be whether it is a good idea to gamble. You are at least giving yourself a chance to think about it.
**Gambling stimulus (((Second thought))) gambling behaviour
How to control gambling stimulus?
*gambling thought +gambling opportunity = gambling behaviour
Gambling thought +no opportunity = no gambling
or look at it like this:
*gambling thought + gambling facilities + access to cash= Gambling behaviour

Reduce access to cash: only carry what you need, if you need £3 do not take £5 with you
become accustomed to walking around with no money. You will quickly learn how little money you need to carry around.
leave debit/ credit card at home or give them to some one else.
**If you have spare money in your current account, set up a limited access.
**Hand control of your finances to someone you trust
**exclusion from gambling promesses.

List of blocking websites:
gamblock.com-
k9webprotection.com
netnany.com
blocking software is for people who play online.
Another way to help yourself in not gambling is to use a balance sheet to weigh up the pros and cons of a particular behaviour. It can and should be used more than once.

Ok my friends, I have another 2 pages to type and have to go out now. I will write the rest of it, later tonight.
All the best,
Sam.

[sam.sam]

Hi again, we mentioned balance sheet.Think about crossing the road- it would be quicker and easier to just walk out into the road without having to look for cars or wait for the green light, but you are aware that negative consequences prevent you from doing this. In your head you will have computed a quick decisional balance about the pros and cons of stepping into the road without looking first.
I am sure that you are aware of the thinking that has gone on in your head about crossing the road-it happens every time but it is ” unconscious and automatic ” As a child we have to think and learn that and repeat that until it becomes automatic behaviour.
The use of balance sheet with gambling aims to help you with the same process; your thinking has been unconscious and automatic about gambling and to change that you need to be more conscious about the positive and negatives of gambling, particularly before you find yourself gambling.
((((Our mind tend to lie one way or another about things; holding two competing thoughts in our minds at the same time requires more effort. there are fewer people who are labour and and conservative supporters than those who choose one side or another. It is easier to do.
You may similarly find that you think all positive thoughts about gambling just before gambling and all negative thoughts afterwards. The balance sheet is a tool to allow you to see both sides.
With practice, the balance sheet can become part of your automatic thinking when faced with a gambling stimulus. In the same way that your thoughts work when the alarm goes off in the morning. You would like to stay in bed but then you have to be at work…so you decide to wake up. With repetition it becomes automatic. practice is the key here.
How to complete a balance sheet:
what is good about gambling?
Some times is difficult to remember what positive of gambling are or where. With the balance sheet you need to think back to when you were gambling and try to briefly immerse yourself in the experience. What was going on for you, when gambling? How did you feel while gambling?What were you feeling after a win? What were you feeling when you made the decision to gamble? What was the purpose of the gambling for you? How did it meet your needs?
((((( What is bad about gambling/
Often people find this easier. However, you need to think broadly about all of the consequences of gambling. How has it hurt you? what has it prevented you from doing? How has it affected your life? How has it affected the lives of those around you? Where might you be by now if you had never gambled, or stopped few days, months, years ago?

((( what is good and bad about not gambling?
This is not just the absence of bad things. You need to visualise a world without gambling-imagine that a global ban on gambling is put in place tomorrow-it is gone from the face of the planet. What is that world like? What can you do now? But also, being honest, what is missing? Gambling is doing some thing for you and when that is gone, there is likely to be something of a gap.
Going back to the balance sheet, your job is to retain your mind to think about gambling in an AND fashion. In reality for your gambling as a compulsive gambler it will be some positive AND some negatives. Pros and Cons. Those positives may just be a brief sense of hope, or some respite from worrying about your problems, but they are there, and that is why you are gambling continued after you had started losing.
You know by now, as compulsive gambler, you can not gamble in a controlled fashion. Any gambling is going to lead to losses as you have difficulty stopping until money is exhausted, and losses lead to all the negative consequences listed on the right side of your balance sheet.

Memory trick:
Gambling is a trick of the memory. Your memory of gambling wins will be greater than your memory of losses. Our minds are generally better able to minimise losses and to forget them- if we were to remember all those losses in our life we would not function very well. This is what happens with people who are depressed; they have a negative bias for memories.
So, it is easier to remember wins, especially large ones. Gambling also offers occasional wins, so the memory of wins is continually refreshed. However, you know only too well that the larger picture for you is one of overall loss. The trouble is this hard to remember when you are thinking of gambling. So you need a memory aide.

We use memory aids in our life all the time; calendars, with events on and diaries are both memory aids. Television guides are memory aids, phone books… the balance sheet works for us as memory aide.
Your aim over the next weeks and months will be to work on altering your memory. you will not be adding anything new to your memory- you know the reason you want to stop gambling. Rather you will be practising accessing those memories at the right time. It is little use remembering why you want to stop gambling after you have gambled, you need to remember this before gambling.
Your aim is to develop a new way of reaching to thoughts and memories of the desire to gamble, that thought will be: YES, BUT…..
As in, ‘yes it would be nice/good to gamble, but the negatives far outweigh to positives. This thought recognises that there are positive and negative reasons to gamble, but that you know the negative are too serious to consider acting on the positives.
We do this sort of thinking all the time, we inhabit the desire to act because of the consequences. Getting up in the morning, going to work, brushing your teeth, they are all the thing that you might rather not doing but you do then because of negative consequences that will occur if you don’t.

Ok my friends, it was what I could say I learned or studied in between the week 1 and week 2 of my counselling session.
I hope it helps someone to stop and think differently about the gambling behaviour, or a family member to understand what is happening to us when we are trying to explain.
All the best,
sam.

[charles]

Thanks for that sam, sounds like they are giving you plenty to think about. Keep posting, one day at a time.

[sam.sam]

Hi Charles. Thanks. Yes it is a lot of material. first I did not notice it. Each time I read them I learn something new. It might be because Now I look at it as it is a course I have taken and have to understand and pass it.
Today I had quite a sort of struggle. Where I went today, there where so many betting shops, and I could feel that I still am not strong enough. I was standing in front of a betting shop for at least 10 minutes deciding going in or not. It is really awful struggle, and I bombarded myself with the reasons why I should not get into that game again. I was telling myself it is not a bet or few pounds, but it is my whole system of thought on the line here. I think it did work at the end. I should self exclude myself there as well, because I might go there more often to visit a friend.
One day at a time,
All the best.

[p]

Thank you for sharing those details with us.. they could be very beneficial to any of us here.. thanks and glad you didnt gamble

P

[作者]

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