[stupidme]

Hey guys, great to find this place. Firstly im a gambler and I have a severe problem (who knows it could even be as far as pathological gambling)
To not bore everyone with the past ill start with a short summary of the past and go onto the current time.
I had been gambling for more than 10 years im 25 now. I gamble on anything from slots to blackjack. Things have gone progressively worse over the last year.
This lowest point in my life (the present) started about 5 months back. I hit a very nice win. Cashed out over £1000 and did nothing with it. I spent a tiny bit on stuff for myself and the rest in arcades.
That made my addiction 10 times worse and every month since then I have lost nearly all my wages gambling.
Back in October I had a loss at the bookies and had too much to drink, that threw me over the edge and made me really angry, on the walk home I was pretty much shouting at anyone I could see. I came in, burst into tears and told my mum I have a gambling problem.
That night I was very sneaky with what I did. I had this nagging feeling telling me it could all be ok again if I won it back. I emptied the remaining £100 in my bank into an online casino and lost. It made me feel I really needed to get it back and I stooped to an all time low. I took my mums bank card and deposited nearly £1000 of course without her permission.
After that session I was £300 up and was able to cashout all my mums money back so it felt good like I was saved.
Payday, the end of November. Had a good chunk of wages. My mum was looking after my card but I asked her if I could have it to go to town and get my wages out. I got my wages out and went for a celebratory pint. That pint turned into 6 or 7. Going home I walked past the arcade and again the cravings were at the highest bad peak…. I went in even though I did ban myself from there a while back they let me play.
I lost all my wages and when I was down to my last £50 or so I ripped up some of the notes and threw them on the floor. I felt like money meant nothing now, id lost so much so I may as well rip it all up.
I got home on an even bigger all time low. I told my mum about it. Then when she had gone to bed I did it again. I took her bank card and used it to deposit on another site.
This time there was no way back. I deposited a total of nearly £2000 in the space of 4 days. Over that time at 1 point I was over £2000 in profit. But still because they let you reverse the withdrawal for a certain amount of time I couldnt hold on. I reversed it and lost every single penny.
Knowing im going to be in serious trouble with my mum for using her card and losing that large sum of cash I havent been able to settle all week. Thoughts of needing cash badly came into my head. I had a look on my online banking account tonight and saw I had £50 left in there to buy my girlfriends xmas present.
I thought sod it… Im already in serious trouble, nothing can make it any worse. I deposited it all and of course lost it. Then as a final moment of desperation kicked in I took out a payday loan for £200 and before the money came in my ebanking account was offline because of maintenance, I couldnt see my balance. I had to guess when the money would be in. I kept trying to deposit but it kept failing to the point where there had been too many failed deposits and my card has been blocked.
So thats me. Im at the point now where I have no cash apart from that payday loan which I will have to pay more than £50 back in interest come payday. I have the fact that when my mum sees her statement she will kick me out (think of it this way, someone who hasnt paid much, if any rent in 2 years due to gambling all my wages constantly, just loses nearly £2000 of the homeowners money which would of been used to pay for other stuff, she will at best never ever talk to me again or forgive me).
The only positive plan of action I can see is making sure when the statement comes im there to intercept it and then out of the very little money I get from work over the next few months I can try and limit the damage to her account. If I can recall correctly even this time last year I was in a better way and I was a bad gambler. I remember this time last year I had lost my wages gambling, I had to increase my overdraft to £300 to buy xmas presents, and now iv still got the £300 overdraft limit and am 10 times in a worse way
thanks

[stupidme]

2nd of december and I wake after a super long sleep.
Still a bit tired but all the early starts caught up with me. Good news now for work the hours have gone up this week so after this week at work my minimum wage will be £500 at the end of the month.
A sneaky casino email got through to my inbox earlier which I unsubscribed from.
had a dream about gambling last night but nothing too extreme. Everyday im getting stronger
I think another resolution im going for now as well as to quit gambling is to cut down on drinking, it always seems like a good idea, then after a few I realise how pointless it was and feel like rubbish for ages– 1/2/2012 9:57:56 AM: post edited by stupidme.

[sunny123]

good morning sm!!! it is second of january my friend and not second of december.. i am sure you dont want to go back to 2nd dec… congrats on getting a raise.. keep working hard and keep going.. i hope new year brings more good news for you.. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[stupidme]

Thanks sunny and the same to you.
Completely, I never want to go back to the second of december.
I have had a very weird feeling regarding work now too. When I was a heavy gambler I used to think “I couldnt care less if I get more hours this month, cause weather I do 1 hour a week or 20, the casino gets it, so the more money I take home means the more money ill lose gambling”.
Now though I dont mind doing the extra hours, its like in a short space of time, quitting gambling has changed me from someone who cant be bothered to work to someone who wants to work as much as possible and do well in life.
Fair enough my wages will be going towards paying debts for a while but at least its better than gambling it. Shows really that a month ago I was being a sly, sneaky, lazy gambler who was at the lowest point after losing that money on my mums card and owing all that cash for payday loans. Now I owe nothing to payday loans, dont gamble, I want to work, have been sensible with the few quid I do have and of course have that payment plan in place to pay my mum back.
Things are looking up

[sunny123]

that is very good sm.. i can relate to what you are saying.. i infact did not go to work for few days after i lost all that money in gambling.. it may be the first time that i called off- sick.. it was very difficult to motivate myself to start working again as i was also thinking the same that what is the use of earning little bit of money when i am going to blow it again.. it was difficult to even concentrate on my routine work .. and it was hard to think of working extra hours.. but after joining this site.. now i am working harder and not only it is providing the much needed extra money.. but keeps me distracted from all the negative thoughts.. which are always there in my mind.. hope that you keep progressing in recovery.. tomorrow will be better than yesterday.

[stupidme]

Yea thats typical gambling, thanks.
Well yet again been a few more days since posting, was with the girlfriend all weekend. Was a nice time.
I dont know what it is but my dreams this week have been really bad, mostly about gambling too. I had 2 or 3 dreams where I was playing high stake blackjack again and 1 dream which was totally weird. It was that I slipped up and gambled this year and I was kicking myself saying I failed in being gamble free for 2012. Thankfully I woke up after and realised it wasnt real :D.

I dont know what else to put really…for now, things are going well. I have been working loads so im still set to pay £500 minimum back to my mum at the end of the month. I feel a tiny bit down at the thought she will see her statement any day now and there will be a few overlapping transactions. Yes she knows about them but I dont know how she will react when actually seeing the amounts.
I have a treat in line still for the end of the month, its a new phone as I get a free contract upgrade (May of already mentioned). Expecting it to be a very powerful phone so it will be just as good as having a laptop.
Hope everyone else is doing well too 😀

[reds]

HI SM
Isn’t it great to wake up from a gambling dream and realize you never have to do that again ? 
redsJust for today, I will not gamble away my time, freedom or peace of mind.

[stupidme]

yea completely, I think the only non dream withdrawal symptoms happening now are just occasional thoughts. You know the silly unrealistic 1’s of “well if I had a £1000 bet on a single hand of blackjack, I could be laughing”. Silly things really.
My new addiction for now seems to be facebook games. Its like my gambling addiction has been put onto those instead (well 1 in particular…. “empires and allies”). Maybe 10 or 15 ***** a day I will check it and play it.
Ill be able to further increase my addictive ways into gaming of the non gambling variety when I can order my new free contract phone as its a top gaming spec phone.

[stupidme]

Definitely has been a month+ since I last gambled.
Thought I would add to my diary before popping off for another long shift at work :(.
Bit annoyed really at my mum today, she is ill and everything so doesnt understand things too well, she is very naive when it comes to things especially the internet (+ she doesnt understand technology well). She could be browsing the net and see a scam popup saying you have won x amount of cash or a prize and think its someone contacting her saying shes won.
Anyway she went onto this scam site to win an iphone or something, since she didnt know her mobile number or have it to hand she entered mine so not long ago iv been not surprisingly spammed with about 15 messages on my phone asking to verify my pin/number at some gambling sites. Not gonna let it annoy me too much.
Halfway through the working week after today, so this time next week I can expect a guaranteed wage of £600 minimum. Going to hopefully reduce my costs when I get a phone upgrade at the end of the month so my total outgoings per month for phone an internet are no more than £25. Meaning even in a month where I get a lower wage I still have money I can pay back to my mum and a bit for myself.
Trying to have small targets for the week. I finish early tomorrow so part of me learning the value of money again is to limit my spending. As I finish early I could easily pop to the pub for 1 or 2 pints. If I did it would be a small reward for all the work iv been doing but if I can I want to stay away and think its a few more quid saved.
The cravings are not fully gone, nowhere near, but getting better with each day

[stupidme]

cravings are back to old ways this evening. Complete boredom is triggering it I think. Really need to think of bigger plans other than facebook games to keep myself occupied. I know when I get my new phone ill be occupied for many weeks at very least but for now I feel like I cant sit still.

[stupidme]

Havent heard much from people on here recently, hows everyones recovery coming along?
Last night was horrible in the end, had to go to bed because I was craving really bad but knew I couldnt gamble due to no funds, no way to and I was fighting it off.
Today actually started really well. Had work. Decided this morning that 100% im not going for a pint or 2 after work. A very good step indeed regarding learning the value of money. Also I saw bus fare has gone up which is a ripoff so am saving even more cash by walking to and from work every day.
Got home from work and felt pretty good really. In fact I did some maths regarding money over 5 months. By not getting the bus I save around £3 a day (for the days I work a week…4 days), also by limiting my pub visits from twice a week (5 pints 1 day, 2 pints another day) to just 2 pints 1 day with the girlfriend I save something like £450 in 5 months.
Actually was having a very constructive evening, getting the paid surveys and clicks done on sites (which gives me a further £20 a month), until I sat in the front room.
Was watching something on tv and a gambling ad came on TV. Now it wasnt just any gambling ad. It was for a website that really helped throw me off the rails. They had tactics in place which meant my big withdrawal was kept as reversible for as long as possible so I got tempted and lost it. In fact it was longer than any other site….5 working days. Even after that time it was still reversible and when I emailed support I waited another week, no reply from support and was still reversible. I recall a total of over 2 weeks passing and my withdrawal could still be reversed. Of course they were still feeding me emails with bonus offers and before long temptation came in and I reversed and lost the lot.
It was a clear tactic by them which set me off down my destructive route to where I am now. In fact it almost cost me my life as well with a failed suicide attempt. Until my time of hitting the ultimate low and quitting in this thread I just couldnt let go of the fact.
Anyway, seeing the tv ad just bought that thought back and made me feel pretty sick, sick that after all that, the stress and the upset they are pretty much sticking two fingers up at me and laughing.

[Anonymous]

Pleased you’re still posting, copied your list..great mate, cheers.
Am really busy and will try and post over the weekend!
 I gambled last year, but havn’t this year. Imagine that!!….Recovery is priceless.

[Anonymous]

hope your enjoying that time with your gf and that junk food.  yeah we all need a good pig out some days and long as it aint every day no harm done. 

[velvet]

 
Hi SM
In all groups of friends, I think, there are the organisers and the ones who are organised.   It is certainly good that you cut your ties to your acquaintances though. 
Hopefully having now closed that door there will be no more that you have missed.   You learned from the experience which is what ******.  
Restricting your money will certainly help but determining to control your addiction and dedicating your life to being gamble-free will give you self-esteem and confidence. I know you can do it.
Velvet

[stupidme]

Thanks so much guys. all the words mean a lot. yea levi lets say sod it. We can move on and yea im in this pact. We can do it.
on phone at the mo so Will give a better reply when i get home n get on pc. But certainly its gettin better.

[amyyy]

Hi stupidme- sorry to hear of ur recent gambling. Hope ur back into recovery and the gambling didnt hurt u too much.
Spose all we can do is keep going forward and learn best we can from the slip-ups.
Stay strong- u can do this x

[stupidme]

thanks,

yea, every door is now thoroughly closed.
As before im not gonna dwell on the past and whatnot, at current im feeling 100% positive, in fact tonight lead the ways for a bit of a rant here tonight….. so what happened.
I come in, demanding a word with BOTH my mum and nan, since when I have spent money on shopping out of my own pocket, my mums still insisting she wants rent etc (again with her illness, its 1 of them things, found that money im paying her back with is often not taken off what I owe her, and then if I pay rent by buying food shopping for the house, she claims it to be equivilant to paying nothing. Whereas if I gave them cash for rent and they gave me some money to get shopping after work if would still ***** as my rent because I have given her cash direct).
Of course I never got the logic and recently I have been getting a lot of shopping in for them with my allowance. My mums almost been stiring trouble (unintentionally) by thinking and telling me they are short of cash etc etc.
Anyway, I tried having a relaxed innocent conversation with them, to explain my views. My nan didnt have a word to say, my mum, as per usual swore blind she never said certain things which was also a mixture of her being stubborn and not admitting it and maybe her forgetting. Which lead to me… shouting a bit out of frustration. I even went as far as to messaging my nans family and saying she told me shes dying so could they get her to see the dr!!!
It ended with my nan walking out the room saying shes (my nan, herself) dying and she couldnt care less.
I mean what the ****….. the basic gist of our house. My mum has parkinsons, meaning shes slower to do things and doesnt understand things as well…. However she still keeps her stubborn traits which can be worse than ever (like the other day, she got a txt message I sent her mixed up, swore blind I sent her this txt saying 1 thing, I showed her the txt on my phone which showed she was wrong, but she still swore blind otherwise…. It was only when she saw her phone, reread the txt that she realised she was in the wrong and decided to compromise).
Due to my mums stubbornness of things she puts extra strain on my nan (like with small things, such as she wants guinea pigs, we get them, she wants something else, we get it, without a care for anyone else) which causes my nan to become more ill (as above shes not well already, seems she could have cancer) and so when it comes to my concerns my mum cant understand what I mean fully and my nan is too exhausted/ill to even reply to me or care….. Then when I get frustrated and shout im had a go at for shouting/not having respect.
The ongoing thing is my nan wont see the DR, meaning she could well indeed as she says be dying, but as I cant communicate with anyone im left angry and annoyed and possibly shouting.
It was even that bad earlier that my mum was saying shes already cut me out of her will, and after a bit more shouting I must of said a few horrid things to her. Its like they are the only people I can talk to… but because they dont/wont understand I get frustrated trying to explain things.
The worst part of it is yes they have social workers and people over………. but……… Since day 1, my nan was informed by them that they were coming round in advance. This meant she could (and always does) move the house around from top to bottom, and make it look like we can all cope (so theres no bags for my mum to trip over and it looks like everything is in reaching/working distance), when they come round im at work 99% of the time and they leave satisfied everything is perfectly fine here.
I hate it here, my nan refusing to see the DR, but then being too weak/ill/tired to do a thing, my mum with her stubborn ways. I know people have had a go at me before for blaming them for my gambling but that was always a trigger… whats anyone else’s reply to stopping?? answer would be preventing the triggers, but something ***** to be done to sort this house out
Maybe getting hold of the family over the internet saying about my nan was an odd choice but what else could be done? She wont go to the DR’s on her own accord. She wont listen to me or my mum– 04/04/2012 22:08:10: post edited by stupidme.

[stupidme]

oh and for those that havent seen it http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01dk5s7/Gambling_Addiction_and_Me_The_Real_Hustler/
interesting indeed

In fact its probably the best thing iv seen in years. Goes through all about gambling addiction.
To sum it up for people who might not be able to watch it (maybe to do with possible UK only stream). A lot of it is about awareness. This guy who is a “responsible” gambler meets a load of compulsive gamblers to get a better understanding of how it can become addictive. His dad was a CG who ***** and ended up in prison, he never wanted anything to do with his dad. After talking to people and understanding the addiction he wanted to see his dad.
It also (especially at the beginning) made me think of how true I can put a lot of the blame (when I was a gambler) on the casino/bookies/premises itself…. and the government. The bit was where you saw a typical high street, about 8 bookies…. but to make it worse, pawn brokers, and loan places opposite or very close to the bookies. I cant understand that, the people who would use them shops wouldnt be “responsible” gamblers as they would of stopped before the loss was that bad– 04/04/2012 23:59:29: post edited by stupidme.

[Anonymous]

"Then when I get frustrated and shout im had a go at for shouting/not having respect".
I can appreciate it is very stressful for you, however to get fustrated and shout at your Mum and Nan, maybe isn’t the correct way to proceed. Thats why having someone that you can confide in away from your home might be beneficial.
On the surface shouting at someone with Parkinsons, let alone your own mother, and a sick elderly lady who is probably worried sick about the fact she might have cancer, does show a complete lack of respect.
"It was even that bad earlier that my mum was saying shes already cut me out of her will, and after a bit more shouting I must of said a few horrid things to her. Its like they are the only people I can talk to… but because they dont/wont understand I get frustrated trying to explain things".
Six months ago you ***** your mums card and gambled away her money. Since then you have taken out several loans and gambled them, you moan about having to buy a bit of shopping. Is it any wonder your Mum dosn’t understand. We understand to a certain extent, your poor Mum will be struggling to make any sense of it. If your Mum hadn’t of shown such compassion and kindness concerning the money that you ***** from her and you went to court the chances are you would have been viewed as callous, for ******** and deceiving from such a sick lady and now be in jail. Please try and remember that when feeling fustrated with her. Your Mums will is her business, and do you think after what you’ve done you deserve to be in it? I was written out of my parents will when I was in my twenties, I know this for a fact because I seen the will when my Dad **** last year. For things I done to them I deserved to rot in **** and I understand 100% they wouldn’t want to leave me anything. It wasn’t the fact that I had done these rotten things to them that prompted them to write me out the will, but the fact that this behaviour just continued and got worse and worse and I done nothing about it. I didn’t do anything about it till I was 42, three years ago. I was included back into the will since my parents noticed a big change in me and seen that I was actively taking steps to sort my gambling out. Mind you I’d rather have my Dad here then any inheritance.
I don’t think you’re callous; I think you have a serious problem which can be sorted. Are you taking any new measures to help with your gambling, you’re Mum and Nan are not the only people you can talk too. Getting fustrated and shouting, is as constructive as gambling. Staying calm and talking can help a great deal.
I do get angry when reading your posts of late.  (This is my equivalent of you shouting at your Mum). I get angry because the way you’re behaving is so similar to the way I behaved at you’re age and I am seeing you making the mistakes I made, but you cant see it.
"I know people have had a go at me before for blaming them for my gambling but that was always a trigger"… If you believe that this is a trigger for you then you must take steps to resolve the issue. Having the awareness that it used to be a trigger now means it can no longer be used as an excuse so thats a good thing.
I know how hard it is to quit, I feel as if I am trying to force recovery on to you which I know dosn’t work. So I’m just going to sit back now and leave you to it. I will be reading your progress and I hope you manage to get everything turned around.
All the best.
Geordie.
Recovery is priceless.– 05/04/2012 04:10:57: post edited by geordie18.

[stupidme]

There isnt really any outside help… Yes I can indeed see shouting at them isnt the answer, but at the same time I am called some horrible things also. Not as much by my nan, but my mum. Even when growing up I had all sorts off her like saying im no son of hers, she wishes I get the disease, she said she wishes my nan was dead. The list is endless really, so in an argument things like that are said, so its even harder to keep my cool. Most of the strain in the house is down to my mum…. and not directly because of her illness. Its the way she wants constantly. My nan is elderly so surely my mum should think before constantly calling her, or causing arguments over getting her own way (which puts extra strain and work on my nan).
I didnt moan about the shopping though. In fact when it comes to spending on myself I find it difficult to do, but when spending on others its always been a bit easier. The whole point was regardless of loans and whatnot, I pay as much rent here and money back as possible each month as it stands. In fact my mum takes that money automatically as shes in control of my cash. Im left with the £30 a week budget, of which I spend some of on shopping for them. She was pretty much expecting me to give them extra cash out of that budget. I cant really afford it out of that low amount anyway but buying shopping for the home I thought would of counted towards giving then extra cash. I also pay bills such as internet which my mum uses as much as me and I never ask her for a penny for.
Yea its fair about xmas time. But again really the gambling is a disease. Its made me, like many, do things they never would of considered. Its fact that problem gamblers brains work differently. Even so, I have still done well I think, in just 3 months I have paid £800 or so back. Pretty much half the money already.
Yea I can see its her choice that I could be cut out of the will. At the same time with things, it hasnt been easy for me either, like rather than be out with friends I have helped out as much as I could at home. My gambling addiction maybe was encouraged more from when I was a kid. Of course it wasnt intentional to give me an addiction, but as young as 10 family members dragged me into the bookies. How? well back then the law was 16 to go into bookies. My uncle enjoyed gambling on the horses. Often when I was in town with him he wanted a gamble, and there were a few bookies who would allow me to sit on a chair inside and wait for him to gamble. I remember the smoke filled rooms, the chairs being so high it was a mountain to climb. A lot of the time I would sit there for an hour or 2, until he had finished which some***** if he had a win he would give me £10 or something. Every Saturday there would be horse racing on tv here, I would be taken for days out at actual horse racing events and around the age of 14 had my first gamble online. In fact my uncle wanted to gamble online but didnt know how to set it up, my mum asked if I could do it for him, so I installed a casino, and I remember him saying to fund the account with £50, then I got to have a few hands of blackjack. On that occasion I remember getting the balance to £100, but then slipping it away and losing the lot.
Now regardless of who is or isnt to blame, I know its been a hard childhood and of course it is hard ***** now, not being on the will means as theres no intermediate close family apart from me, the house could end up getting repossessed, ill end up homeless and seriously be in trouble with very few jobs going and low wages from my current job.
I cant see many new measures at all really. Of course my last slip was down to having access to ebanking, iv already closed my E-wallet, and my ebanking account too. So theres no no way I can even see what money I have, let alone touch it.
Yea your right with the trigger, its difficult to prevent however. Talking to my mum and nan to explain things is a losing battle, they refuse any outside help, I cant even afford to move out. In fact though if with my girlfriend here or away thats the time where that trigger is removed. But its when I come back that the trigger starts up again.

[levi]

hi fella, hope you’re feeling okay,or at least a bit better, by the time you get this.
you are in a really rough position for anyone to be in, let alone a guy of your age (i presume quite young) and at the start of your own life,facing all the crossroads which will shape your future. it must be a really tough call having the battle of wills at home and feeling frustrated and helpless at those situations, whilst also battling your own addiction and other problems.
mate, try not to become overwhelmed. little by little, step by step, day by day. be supportive and kind within your family as i know you do, don’t take the bait when faced with the stubborn and awkwardness or even the nasty comments, there is a LOT to be said for taking the high ground and letting things wash over you, esp. things that are said in the heat of the moment and are more often than not, not meant and are soon forgotten. its little wonder you have formed your addiction, hearing the evolution of it makes sense, but also the escapism (which i know for me, is a huge factor in my gambling).
it will get better. i believe that. hang on in. all the best wishes coming to you, i know theres a very very decent guy there with a heart of gold.—– Levi

[levi]

PS – regarding the will, although its none of my business, i find it hard to believe that by the time your mother does pass away that things will be much much different and that making such a statement now is very hurtful to you but also irrelevant. given that (i assume) you are an only child, there would really be no logic in leaving you out of her will. i am sure that will not be the case. my mother is also battling an illness and i know it has great impact on their emotions, temper and all sorts, try not to take it to heart and just do you best to support as i know you already do and have done for a long time. i am sorry you have to go through this. all the best.—– Levi

[levi]

i meant to say, by that time, i’m sure things WILL be much different .—– Levi

[stupidme]

Thanks buddy, amazing inspiring words once again…. Yea im 25. I mean for real id of course rather her stay alive for the next 20 years at least, indeed I think its 1 of them ***** again where stuff boils, steam is let off and its resolved. The good thats come from the past few days is my nan saw sense and went to dr’s. Actually its something relatively minor wrong with her and shes been given medication to sort it.
Everything can get back on track again, back to work tomorrow and then again its the weekend. This month has been going quite quick so far too which is a bonus

[stupidme]

Well thought of posting here again to put up some updates.
As of the time of typing, 3 weeks since my girlfriend dumped me and 4 weeks Tuesday since my slip.
Im still in the same mind frame of things. Had my week off work which was much needed and im back tomorrow :(.
Its been a great week, had some meetups with women, got some things sorted, even had a night out.
As the days progress im getting further and further away from wanting to gamble….. well actually its been the same as it was when I realised things, that put me at the ultimate distance from gambling.
I know some here may call me stupid, may think im simply ignoring the truth, but still, im gonna say the same thing I said nearly 4 weeks ago. Its been a massive realisation that has in fact changed my life, everything is just going too perfect. Theres just no battle at all now

[Author]

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