Was able to sleep only 6 hours. Good thing is I got another tutoring gig for today and will make 45 euros if all goes well. I am extremely anxious. Tonight I am having reoccuring thoughts of the wickedness of my sister with whom I now share property. I have cut all contact and do not wish to have her in my life. Unfortunately, I now share inheritence issues with her. She would love to know about my problem and she already has some insight into it. Back in the days when I didn’t fully understand my father and who he was, I made the mistake of coming to him for help and support. Turns out he told every neighbour. In my immediate family, which now includes two other living cousins and an aunt, I was the youngest and a late child. I never got to be the baby of the family, rather, I became the one to fix everyone’s problems. Somewhere down the line, I broke and became a compulsive gambler. Should I have told everyone “no”? Yes, but I was too young to know better. I’m sharing my thoughts because I blame myself and am unable to treat myself with kidness. The fact of the matter was, I had an abusive father, and a mother that needed protection. I couldn’t bare to leave her at his mercy, so I stayed in a shitty job, lived on the third floor of my parent’s house and spent my free time being hyper-intunned and hyper-vigilant to every sound should I hear some type of commotion downstairs or a full blown rage attack that I needed to come down and resolve. For someone going through this day in day out, I would have sympath and gentleness. But not for myself.
