It was natural to fight or flee under stress, worries, temptations and fear for me.
I have made many mistakes and bad decisions this way.
It is very important for me not to forget that it is still wrong in the court of the law or eye of the God to do something wrong even if my intention was good, it is not an excuse to choose doing wrong. In the past, I could be in pain or suffering from some conditions, and I would allow myself to take alcohol, food, sex, gamble and drug. My judgement was poor and I could not tell what is right or wrong or I was simply too selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, all I care about was how I feel.
I do not do that now; I do not run away or hide from my problem now.
I learn to give up or stop my old ways by choosing to follow a new way.
I am a liar if I love a God that I cannot see and do not know how to love a person that I can see;
I have learnt to love others and it has help me to be less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking.
But I was still a hypocrite, wicked and evil when I am caring, loving, kind and helpful only to people I like and not to people I dislike. I do not know how to love and help the people who are unlovable. I will avoid or walk away from them. This is always a test and trial for me every single time; I do not know how to humble myself, care and serve other people especially to those that I do not like. It was easier to love a person I do not know or stranger. I find it very harder to love people I know and do not like. I was less forgiving, more judgmental and critical.
However all that change after I know that some people are suffering from some underlying illness or conditions which explain their unreasonable behaviors, especially if I was also suffering from the same thing, I can better understand them and it helps me to have more empathy and compassion for them.
I knew the helplessness, the hopelessness, the loneliness, all the hardship, suffering and pain when the same rejection and disappointment happens to me. People are quick to judge, label and sentence me.
Learning to love the unlovable has help me understand myself better; I was that unlovable person.
I have learn to be more forgiving, loving, caring, and kind; less judgmental, hard and harsh on myself.
This is a wish, I hope to be able to do the same for others.
I am very much a work in progress. I am sinner trying to repent.
Help me change God.
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by kin.