[kin]

I only have thanks to the person who deleted all my post since 2008.

The timing was perfect for me and I felt no resentment or anger.
I was not co-dependence on these journals, and my recovery was not jeopardized in anyway.

I was thankful for all the awareness and mindfulness, that everything can change suddenly. People die, and people leave me just like how all my post disappear suddenly; nothing is permanent.

Acceptance; letting go; starting life all over gives me a purpose and direction.

Yesterday is history, it is over.
Tomorrow is a mystery, it has not arrive.
Today is the most important day in my recovery.

How do I stop gambling?

I only need to stop gambling today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
I do this one day at a time.

[risingphoenix]

Disappointing to see your posts disappear. Glad you are seeing the glass half full. I did respond to you on my thread last night. I am doing okay. Hope you are too Kin. Take care.

[sarahluna88]

👍

We live in this moment, and one minute later its this moment again. Past and future are concepts in which we think, but living is always this moment. Most people think more in the past or what they might do in future, or what future will bring. And forget about the only real state of living in which they are really live. The moment. Now is the time to live, and love. We dont know how long we might live, a friend of my brother died last week at age 29, in an accident at work. Its so important to be who you really want to be, now, not later.
There is nothing to loose, just to win. We need to allow ourselfes to be free.
I’m happy to watch your decicion to make a cut and start a new topic

[kin]

Hi risingphoenix,

Thank you for the support. I am ok.

Just like the half full glass, I am telling myself

Not to focus on what is lost, but focus on what is left.

Today I am feeling thankful.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by kin.

[kin]

I am in control of the first bet so I must do everything to protect myself from not having the first bet because I cannot stop after the first bet despite the heavy consequences and harm.

I have never placed a bet online and I remain uninterested. I wish that I can say the same for my other form of gambling.

[kin]

“Do not put yourself in a dangerous situation.”

I am comfortable but it was more important to be safe. I have both at home now.
5mins ago, I was comfortable but I was not safe.

I have grown, I have learned to journal using notepad on my mobile phone anytime, anywhere. I was journaling on the notepad at the neighborhood coffeehouse. Journaling helps me to reflect on my surrounding and life, it helps me to adapt to changes.

I was seated comfortably; I had my favorite hot coffee after dinner. I look around me, I scanned my surrounding. I can feel something is missing, I cannot feel the peace, untroubled and calm.

Discontentment is sneaky, it is alive and brewing inside me tonight.

Normally I can find the serene and good feeling in the sun, wind, and sight of trees and flowers.

It was 10 pm, I asked, what was so different tonight?

It was dark, I cannot see the trees and flowers in the night, there was no warmth from the sun. This was an example of things changing every single day; daylight turning into darkness. It can affect my thought and feeling. I could not find the same serene and calm feeling outside me or from the environment.

I had to put my sight on a power greater then me; I need to focus on a Higher Power. I need to find the peace and calm feeling inside. I must not lose my gratitude and thankfulness. I need to connect to my Higher Power and remember that my Higher Power is enough. I do not need to look for good feeling in other places like gambling, alcohol, drug, food, eating and sex.

I was well rested after a good long sleep. I have just finished dinner; I had my favorite hot coffee.
It was not enough, I wanted more.

Today was my off day. I had free time; I was not broke; gambling and entertainment outlets are open 24/7. My barrier works on most day but not every day. Today is one of those day.

However, when I journal and put everything down in words, I can see the picture clearer. Journaling helps me to make the correct choice. I can choose to stay away from darkness and danger. I can choose to follow the light and safety.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.

[kin]

Some says, “A leopard cannot change its spot.”

A leopard cannot change its spot but a leopard can change its spot.
A leopard cannot change the spot on its body but it can change its location spot.

I can change my location. I can move away from a dangerous place with gambling or I can move away to a safe place without any gambling.

Do not test yourself; flee from danger; flee from temptation.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.

[kin]

Recovery from addiction takes a lifetime.
Knowing is one thing, but doing is yet another.

Most people talk the talk, few will walk the walk.
Talk is cheap, walk the talk, it makes all the difference.

I wish to be like the people in the forum who are obedient and stick to the plan all the way.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.

[kin]

Everything return back to normal today. It is a working day and my working hours is long, so I do not have the free time to gamble. After work, I need to sleep to recharge my strength and energy.

It is very tempting to do other thing instead of sleeping after work and lack of sleep can give me stress at work. I have given up gambling on sports because it takes up too much time and energy. Gambling on sporting event is too stressful for me.

[kin]

My thought can change suddenly. I was feeling sick and unwell after long hours at work today.

My thought has switched from recovery to relapse mode, from safety to danger mode. I was thinking of where to go gambling today, what time and what matches are available for gamble today, how much can I gamble and what is the gambling odds.

I am not panicking. With practice and experience, I knew that I am in control of the first bet.

I cannot stop after the first bet, I need one more bet whether I win or lose, I have lost all my last bet. I must remember and remind myself no more bet. I must do everything to protect myself from not placing the first bet.

I was not facing the problem that gambling brings me but I was facing all the problem that leads to my gambling.

I need to trust and have confidence in the ways that leads to my recovery and healing.

I can choose not to follow my gambling thought and feeling.
I do not have to act out my gambling thought and feeling

I needed discipline to sleep and rest after work.
I must not be tempted to do other things.

I slept at 10am and woke up at 6pm. My thought has change. It has recovered and switch from relapse to recovery mode, from danger to safety mode. My gambling thought has disappeared.

I only need to focus on today. I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Have you ever been clean and sober or gamble free for more than a year, everything was looking good and something bad happens that was sudden, unexpected and unintentional, or sudden, unforeseen and unplanned.

The recovery coach who shared with me the leopard analogy has shared this with us 18 years ago.

How do you hold your poop when it is coming out and there is no immediate access to a toilet or public restroom.

Have you ever excrete or pass solid waste in your pants. Everyone laughs.

Can you stop a slip or relapse when it is coming?

It is so important to emphasized the importance of setting up a good barrier to help us stay gamble free.

It stops me when I want to gamble because I do not have the free time, money and place to gamble.
I cannot act out my thought and feeling.

[kin]

If I had lost my life, all the money that l tried to accumulate or lust for more means nothing. If my body is failing, I will do everything to keep my life, money was not my top priority, it was not the most important thing.

I have been taking my mental and physical wellness for granted!!!

Blacking out and fainting or losing all my strength and collapsing suddenly was a wakeup call for me.

I was wrong not to take it seriously after losing control of my life many times.

Improvement or progress in my recovery was more important than perfection in my recovery.
My life was not perfect, and my recovery was not perfect. They make me feel like a failure and loser.
The progress are the reasons that keep me going. They give me hope.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by kin.

[kin]

Reality was terrible.
Without my health, everything fall apart.
I cannot hold my job, I cannot provide the family, pay my bills and service my loans.
I cannot imagine what it can do to my recovery.
Is it going to make matter worst?

Where is gambling inside all these
I cannot see gambling in the picture stress or no stress
I maybe wrong
I cannot underestimate what stress can do to a person
A person can do the most unimaginable under stress.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by kin.

[kin]

I had a health scare yesterday. It gave me a shock; and I was lost and confuse for a little while.
In a bad situation where I have totally no control, I feel very helpless.
Sometimes I can only accept the situation and move on…focusing on the next baby step forward today.
One day at a time.

Everything has return to normal. I am going to rest after work now.
I am not going to do other things; I will get to sleep.
I need to charge my strength and energy before the next working shift

[kin]

Explanation 1
Impulse-control disorder (ICD) is a class of psychiatric disorders characterized by impulsivity – failure to resist a temptation, an urge, or an impulse; or having the inability to not speak on a thought.

Explanation 2
They’re a group of behavioral conditions that involve an inability to control impulses and behaviors’, that make it difficult to control your actions or reactions.

Explanation 3
Impulse control disorders (ICD) are a group of mental health disorders that involve problems with self-control. People with ICDs fail to resist the impulse to behave in harmful ways, often without thought of the consequences.

Explanation 4
Impulse control disorders are conditions where people have impulses that are difficult or impossible to resist.

An impulsive behaviors’ is when you act quickly with no thought to the consequences.

Some signs and symptoms of Impulse Control Disorder

1. Engaging in risky or promiscuous behaviors’ or activities such as compulsive eating, compulsive sex and compulsive gambling
2. Stealing from family members, friends or company
3. Lying
4. Explosive violent or angry outburst against others or property of others
5. Extreme defiance, resistance, disobedience
6. Running away for no apparent reasons

One suggestion to overcome impulse control disorder is to keep a journal.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.

[kin]

Today I read that gambling is one of the worst addictions to have.

Among the different kinds of addictions, those addicted to gambling are “least likely to come forward to seek help. They find it difficult to wrap their heads around the fact that they have a problem”, said Dr Winslow.

“None of the alcoholics I’ve worked with think that by going back to drinking, all their problems will be gone. “But gamblers, they think that the next time they go back to gambling, their problems will disappear.”

This mindset is spurred by the pursuit of the next big win, even though there is no guarantee there would be any windfall.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by kin.

[marcusmaximus]

Very true that Kin. Thank you for posting.
The thought of the “big win” is very enticing and does make it very difficult to stop gambling.
I think we have to keep deflecting thoughts of gambling by doing something else that is positive, for example a hobby, mixing with people, those types of things.
Keep telling ourselves that there will be no gambling today.
Even if we just do something that means we avoid gambling that is ok, for example watching TV, listening to music, having an early night.
One day at a time. Best wishes.

[kin]

I am exhausted and drained every day after long hours at work, but I am really thankful, happy and contented. I cannot do other things with my free time after work otherwise I am putting myself in danger. I cannot afford to replace my time for sleeping to do other things otherwise I risk making a big mistake. I need to rest and sleep to recharge my strength and energy otherwise I will become weaker in staying abstinence, I can become very stressed when I lose sleep, stress can trigger me to gamble.

Journaling helps me check my thought, feeling, and action today. It helps me to reflect on my unstable emotion and stress at this moment. Journaling helps me to see the picture and my choices very clearly. I was heading in the wrong direction. I decided to make a U-turn back. I repent today. I will not endure and tolerate gambling today. I will not compromise and gamble today. One day at a time.

I shall have a good rest and sleep now. I will stay away from danger!
I have switched from relapse to recovery, switched from danger to safety by a power greater than me.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by kin.

[kin]

Yesterday is history, it is over.
The past is history. I cannot change my past.
I can only stay focus on today.
I can only manage one day at a time.

Things can change suddenly; my thought is not the same every day.
I can lose focus, get distracted and lost sight of my goal and direction.

After 8 hrs sleep, I have regained my energy to resist any tempting thoughts for today.
Those unwanted thoughts that was here when I was exhausted and drained has disappear after my rest.

I have manage to keep myself safe today with the help of a power greater than me.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by kin.

[kin]

Why I need a power greater than myself in recovery?

A farmer is helpless to grow grain; all he can do is provide the right conditions for the growing of grain. He cultivates the ground, he plants the seed, he waters the plants, and then the natural forces of the earth take over and up comes the grain.

This is the way it is with the Spiritual Disciplines – they are a way of sowing to the Spirit…

By themselves the Spiritual Disciplines can do nothing; they can only get us to the place where something can be done.

Spiritual disciplines are habits, practices, and experiences that are designed to develop, grow, and strengthen certain qualities of spirit — to train the soul and build the “muscles” of one’s character.

“Ask me not where I live and what I like to eat.
Ask me what I am living for…
what I think is keeping me from living fully for that.”
Thomas Merton

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not interested to read about gamble free day in the forum.
I am interested to read about how they stay gamble free in the forum.

[asdfghost]

Hey, kin. I’ve been reading your posts here since… late ’21 if I remember it right, and they played a huge role in my struggles for recovery.
I hate to admit it, but I lost again to my addiction after almost a half of the year of freedom.
My path is nowhere near as long as yours, yet this utterly disgusting thing called gambling has already taken a part of my life away.

[kin]

Hi asdfghost,

I am like you. I can understand how you feel.
You are right, I have suffered from this problem longer than you.

Pick yourself up and continue fighting each time you fall
You have lost a battle, you have not lost the war.
There are many battles to be fought on this recovery journey.

Take one day at a time.
If you find one day at a time hard and painful, take one baby step forward at a time.
You only need to stay gamble free today.
Tomorrow you do the same.
Anyone with multiple days, months and years of gamble free time is doing the same thing like you everyday.

Slip and relapse is a part of the recovery process.
Recovery from addiction is a lifelong journey.
Seek progress, not perfection.
It is achievable.

Start a new thread and keep posting.
Journaling is a highly recommended recovery tool.

[kin]

Relapse happens gradually. There are three stages of relapse: emotional, mental, and physical.

The process begins days, weeks and sometime months before an individual picks up the first drink or drug or place the first bet.

Recognize the early warning and danger signs of relapse

Develop coping skills to prevent relapse early in the process.

[kin]

I asked myself, Did I walk the talk today? Did I allow the risk to stay?
I do not need the risk. Did I remove this risk?
Did I move away from danger today?

It was an unexpected bill; the amount was very affordable. I was undecided whether to pay up this month or wait until next month. I saw the warning; the same thought is not going away. The obsessive thought keeps replaying in my head, it was very distracting, irritating and disturbing, it will become stressful after some time. This pressure is unnecessary.

This thought looks very harmless but how many times has molehill turn into mountain inside my head? I risk turning this into a gambling thought.

Journaling has help me see the danger and early warning sign. Putting my thoughts down in words has help me to see the picture clearer. I do not want to trigger my impulsive control disorder and obsessive control disorder.

I do not need this risk. I need to remove this danger. I took immediate action and paid this bill.

After paying this bill, I still have excess fund. I do not need this risk so I remove the potential danger of using this money for gambling. I used all the money to pay up an instalment in advance.

I did not have peace when I kept the excess money. I was living in danger.
I did not keep the excess money and I have peace now. I am safe.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Don’t focus on the years and the amount of money lost.
Focus on what you have left.

[kin]

Have the courage to remove the risk that I can and stay away from the danger when I cannot remove the risk.

[kin]

(amended copy)

I asked myself, Did I walk the talk today? Did I allow the risk to stay?
I do not need the risk. Did I remove this risk?
Did I move away from danger today?

It was an unexpected bill; the amount was very affordable. I was undecided whether to pay up this month or wait until next month. I saw the warning; the same thought is not going away. The obsessive thought keeps replaying in my head, it was very distracting, irritating and disturbing, it will become stressful after some time. This pressure is unnecessary.

This thought looks very harmless but how many times has molehill turn into mountain inside my head? I risk turning this into a gambling thought.

Journaling has help me see the danger and early warning sign. Putting my thoughts down in words has help me to see the picture clearer. I do not want to trigger my IMPULSIVE CONTROL DISORDER and OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

I do not need this risk. I need to remove this danger. I took immediate action and paid this bill.

After paying this bill, I still have excess fund. I do not need this risk so I remove the potential danger of using this money for gambling. I used all the money to pay up an instalment in advance.

I did not have peace when I kept the excess money. I was living in danger.
I did not keep the excess money and find PEACE AND SAFETY.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Once I stop gambling, I no longer have to face the problem that gambling brings to me but I will still continue to face the problem that leads me to gamble. It was like peeling the outer onion skin, to reveal what is the real problem under everything.

I like to count the chicken before they hatch. I like to look at the future, which make me very anxious and tired. It distracts me and make me lose my focus on today.

Tomorrow is the future; it has not arrived.
I need to focus on today. I need to keep myself safe today.

Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

During times when I am sick from known and unknown chronic illness or mental illness that I suffer from. I really find it harder to do the same thing every day. It takes more effort from me on tough and rough days to do the right thing.

Not everyone can understand that I can get very stress by many different factors; my high blood pressure, eczema, exhaustion and fatigue, impulsive control disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, mood swing, depression, climate change, work and many others. I can get stress by different thing on different days. They are a big distraction to my recovery.

It is very challenging for me to stay abstinence from all addictions at the same time from compulsive drinking, eating, sex, gambling and doctor prescribe drugs.

My thoughts and feelings were not the same every day, it can change when I experience hardships, pain and suffering. Once my thought and feeling switch from recovery to relapse mode, my well-being will change from safety to danger mode.

If I am driving, I will know that I am heading in the wrong direction, there are signs, I will have gambling, drinking, eating, sexual thought. I should make a U turn at this time, change my way and head in the correct direction. If I do not repent, and allow the mistake to carry on. I will end up following and acting out my thought and feeling.

I was NEVER HONEST all the times, sometimes my BARRIERS HAVE LOOPHOLES and I did not do anything about them. My recovery was just waiting to fail sooner or later.

I must know how to protect myself from acting out my thought and feeling to prevent a relapse.
I am a sinner. I need help. I need mercy and grace from God.

I was not honest every day. I need to stay focus and be honest today.
On some days, my barriers have loopholes. I need to stay focus and remove all the risk today.
I need to keep myself away from all danger today.
I need to do the next right thing today.

Tomorrow, I do the same. One day at a time.
I am no saint. I am imperfect. I am a sinner.
I am work in progress and under construction.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by kin.

[kin]

Just finish doing my laundry and post in the forum.
Till we meet again. Stay safe and happy everyone.

[kin]

Thank you risingphoenix for showing me how you do it.

“Stick to the plan all the way to the end.”

[kin]

I was gamble free yesterday. It was suppose to be a normal day that I could have easily allow myself to relapse.

I wanted to sleep but I could not sleep. I went 24 hours without sleep on this day. My beautiful day turn ugly suddenly.

I could not describe that sick and stressful feeling inside my body. I cannot describe what hits me. I was feeling terrible. Maybe it was the fatigue and exhaustion from no rest, maybe it was the weather that has change to wet and rainy lately, this could have triggered my eczema to relapse. Maybe it was my off day and free time.

Instead of asking myself why I relapse today? I was asking myself; I did not know how I manage to stay gamble free on this difficult day.

I had the impulsive thought and was very close to acting out. I have look at the harmful consequences of acting out but I did not care anymore. I just want my pain, suffering and hardship at the moment to go away.

If I have gone to the atm machine to withdraw the money. If I have gone to the live betting house. Today was an off day, I had the time that I would not normally have on other days. I would surely relapse. I did not go near these dangerous places.

My barriers has offer me resistance and slow me down in acting out. I need to withdraw money that I have put away.

I have been practicing but this habit is still not very strong, I need to put in more effort to be patient and tolerance on this tough day. I was mindful that I will fall asleep eventually, it just take a longer time.

I was very mindful that I would not enjoy the acting out, it just help made my pain go away temporary. I will normally feel that it was a waste of time and money after acting out in the long term.

As a result of practicing, keeping myself safe today and staying away from danger today in the journal, I was very mindful not to go near danger.

I can remember rising phoenix posting sticking to the plan all the way to the end. I can understand what that means.

I prayed to my God, I ask for help, I honestly tell God that my thought has change; I have tolerated and endure gambling today; I wanted to compromise and give up my recovery with gambling today; I was wrong and I need to repent today, I need to make a U turn. I need to follow God, and change my way and direction but I did not want to do that, I only want the pain to go away today. I ask for forgiveness and mercy.

I tried to sleep again. This time I manage to sleep for 6 hours. I was still not well after I wake up. I sleep again for another 5 hours. This time I woke up feeling fully recharged, that pain and terrible feeling has disappear. I have regained my strength and the energy to stay gamble free for one more day. I did not relapse today. Everything returns to normal.

I do not envy anyone doing this. On some day, it is so tough and hard.

I only need to keep myself safe today.
I only need to stay away from danger today.
Tomorrow, I do the same.
One day at a time.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by kin.

[kin]

my scalp is very itchy today, my eczema is acting out plus the long hours at work without sleep yesterday, guess I was stressed and this has trigger me to want to act out in compulsive and destructive behaviors. I only want the pain to go away.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by kin.

[kin]

I was having my hot coffee and had the following thoughts:

After I journal in GT and put everything down in words, I seem to be able to see the picture clearer and it helps me see a better choice. When I speak to an addiction counsellor, recovery mentor or sponsor, I was hoping they can help me see a better picture and help me to make the correct choice.

Today I ask here:
What was the same for me yesterday and today?
What was the difference for me between yesterday and today?

The stress from eczema remains the same. The stress from my long hours at work remain the same.

Yesterday I was stress by both eczema, and exhaustion from work.

Today I was only stress by eczema after the sleep and rest I had yesterday, I am no more exhausted. I have regained my strength and energy that I need to cope with the stress from my eczema and job.

There are days when I have more stress, I can get stress by a few things at the same time. Stress on top of stress threaten to make me weak and break.

It was more difficult and harder to manage stress when I am weaker. I cannot find the inner strength and energy that I need to resist the trigger, distraction, temptation and need to escape any pain, hardship and suffering.

Everything returns to normal today. I went to the atm machine to withdraw money for grocery, not gambling. I walk to the supermarket to purchase grocery, not to a live betting house to gamble.

I do not have to live with regrets after I have lost money gambling yesterday
and I do not have to live with guilt after I have won money gambling yesterday.
Instead I had peace of mind, safety and security today.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi Kin
Doing a journal definitely helps you see things more clearly.
It gives a space to get your thoughts down and consider your actions, past, present and future.
Keeping a journal makes you more accountable. Reading what you have put previously can help during difficult times too.
Thank you for your comments on my thread. Keep posting. One day at a time.

[kin]

Thank you marcusmaximus for this post.

[kin]

Everything has return to normal for me now but yesterday was not.
Everything was OK but I did not feel OK.

I had this problem for many years but only getting familiar recently.
I am beginning to recognize the problem.

Nothing was wrong yesterday but I was feeling depress.

I have not gamble so I am not facing the problem that gambling gives me.
I have not gamble so I am facing the problem that has led me to gamble.

On the surface, it looks like a gambling problem but at the bottom, it was depression.

Depression made me feel very helpless and hopeless, I was feeling unhappy, pressurize and stressed. It was very dark.

I thought my bad days was over but never expected another one yesterday. My stress and trigger came one after another, wave after wave. I ended up feeling depress on the last day.

If the stress from my eczema and exhaustion did not make me relapse, the depression definitely will do the job every single time in the past because I wanted the pain, hardship and suffering to go away immediately. I would turn to compulsive eating, drinking, doctor prescribe drug, sex and gambling for good feeling.

I tell myself to stay focus on the job, I was at my working place for many hours, it has keep me occupied so I did not gamble yesterday.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.

[kin]

It seem to takes more effort and hard work for some people to stay gamble free.

Never compare
1. Some are not suffering from chronic physical illness.
2. Some are not suffering from mental illness.
3. Some are not suffering from physical and mental illness.
4. Some are not suffering from relationship problem.
5. Some are not suffering from financial problem.
6. Some are not jobless.
7. Some are not homeless.
8. Some are not hungry.
9. Some are not drained and exhausted.
10. Some are not lonely.
11. Some are not handicap.
12. Some are not caregiver.

Stress can come from many different factors.
Sometime it can be more stressful because you are stressed by a few things at the same time.
Sometime the stress can come in waves, one after another, one on top of another.
They can be a big distraction, temptation and trigger.
It just made the pain, hardship and suffering worst.

People are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule and sentence a person.
Few people know what it is like unless they suffer from the same problem.

Staying gamble free was easier for some and harder for some.
It was a choice to stay clean and sober.
This is why I respect anyone who can stick to their plan all the way to the end.
When I was depress, I just wish to escape and take away the pain, hardship and suffering.
I did not stop myself from wrongdoing.

If I have known that I have make a mistake and are heading in the wrong direction
I must make a U-turn back and change my ways.
If I allow the mistake to stay and continue in the wrong direction, I have not repented.

I am not sure. Look like I have not fully recovered from depression after more than 30 years.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.

[kin]

My thought today.

After so many years of falling down, picking myself up again and continue with the journey.
I can safely say that I wish I have done better because I did not have a very impressive record.
I have slips and I have relapses. It was not perfect.

At the same time, I am really very thankful.
I know that things could have been much worst for me but it was not.

All the credit and glory goes to God and the people that was send to help me along the way.

Thank you.

[kin]

Yesterday I woke up feeling totally different from the previous few days. My feeling was calm, manageable and under control. I could find joy in simple thing; I was not depressed. I could feel peace, contentment and gratitude. I was thankful: a simple meal feels so satisfying, and I was thankful to have a job.

Everything would have change if I could not resist and fall into temptation in the past few days.

I notice some warning and danger sign. I feel very different before work and after work. I need to be extra careful as I can be easily triggered and suffer from anxiety once I am tired and exhausted after work.

Taking one day at a time.

I need to watch out for depression and anxiety.

• This reply was modified 1 week ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 week ago by kin.

[kin]

I just found out that if I press the report button on someone post in my thread

This message will appear on their post – This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

I am so sorry for the mistake.

[kin]

Today I am not facing the usual problem that gambling gives me.
It was a different problem; I am facing problems that leads to my gambling.

Too much free time makes off day tricky.
I was mindful today to practice walking away from dangerous place.

I gave myself a little treat today, no big celebration leading to compulsive eating, drinking, sex and gambling. I have survived a difficult and tough week to stay gamble free.

I need to protect myself from placing the first bet.
I need to remove any risk and stay away from danger.
I need to be honest and not leave any loopholes to gamble.
I need to stick to the plan all the way to the end.

• This reply was modified 6 days, 20 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 days, 20 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 days, 20 hours ago by kin.

[kin]

My thought today

Not everyone can resist the temptation of free time, boredom and loneliness moment

Having a power greater than me to protect me is not good enough
I wanted to turn to other things like substance and behavior for good feeling

I need to be told: Repent before it is too late

• This reply was modified 6 days, 13 hours ago by kin.

[kin]

I can write down my problem in better details now:
the many layers of feeling;
the problem on the surface and the problem below the surface;
the few problems that hit me at the same time;
the problem that hit me one at a time one after another for a few straight days;
the many thoughts-intrusive thought, unwanted thought, obsessive thought, impulsive thought, compulsive thought, fearful and negative thought, the dreadful thought.
the uncontrol behaviors, the repetitive behaviors, the harmful behaviors, the impulsive behaviors, the compulsive behaviors.

In the past, I cannot do it.
I was under the influence of alcohol and gambling
I was not sober and my mind is not clear.
I was numb to everything and my wrongdoing.
I could not think, see and feel clearly, it was a mess.
It was all distorted.

• This reply was modified 6 days, 12 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by kin.

[kin]

I am not taking simple thing for granted today.

If I want to keep my job, I need to work hard and protect my job today.
If I did not want to lose my money, I need to protect my money today.
If I did not want to relapse, I need to protect my recovery today.

I only need to stay clean and sober today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

[marcusmaximus]

Well done Kin. Keeping your focus every day is so important.
You can do it. When we don’t gamble we are much better people. Take care.

[kin]

I notice that staying focus on today is helping me in ways that I can never imagine.

Take today for instance, my priority today was to remove the risk and stay away from danger.
It means that I need to protect myself from exhaustion and fatigue today
It is tempting to do other things but I must be careful not to fall into this trap
I need to get some sleep to recharge and restore my energy.

I must do everything to protect myself from placing the first bet today.
Because win or lose, I cannot stop myself from placing the next bet after the first bet.

I only need to stop betting today.
Tomorrow I do the same.
One day at a time.

[kin]

Life is more manageable and under control one day at a time but it has threaten to run me off the track a few times last month, and the last hit was the hardest. I was thankful to remain gamble free in November.

I have to deal with the usual stress from exhaustion due to long hours at work. It was harder when I was triggered by a few stress at the same time. There were stress from exhaustion and my eczema.
I did not gamble, but it became more stressful when I was triggered by exhaustion, my eczema and other illness, I had two small fainting spells.
Just when I thought these problems has come and go, that my life has return to normal. I was hit the hardest by the unexpected last one when depression return, it was dark and painful.
Under these conditions, it was natural for me to look for good feeling in other things but this journal has reminded me to remove the risk and stay away from danger one day at a time. When things is beginning to run out of control, it has pull me back and put me back on the right track.

Not everyone can understand me unless they have the same problem. I can be hit by the unexpected curve ball that life throw at me, and sometimes my urge and craving comes in waves, one after another, one on top of another, one day after another.

This post serve to remind me that I can get attack and trigger by multiple stress on multiple days.
I need to stay focus on today, one thing at a time, one day at a time.

• This reply was modified 1 day, 22 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 day, 21 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 day, 21 hours ago by kin.
• This reply was modified 1 day, 21 hours ago by kin.

[kin]

This is what my gambling does for me but…

Winning someone else money does not bring me permanent joy.
Taking advantage of the situation to made money does not give me happiness.

Once I start to focus on what I have left…
and not on the years and money I have lost…everything changes.
I have gamble uncontrollably in the past…I was trying to win back my losses.

Once I accept… that I can never win back the money and years that I have lost, it was easier to stop gambling and stop chasing the losses today.

Once I accept… my imperfection, it was easier for me to seek progress today.

[Author]

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