[i-did-it]

Laura has suggested I start a new thread .

[charles]

Well done on starting this thread IDI.

I look forward to hearing the positive steps you are taking to make your next bet less likely.

You recently stopped for 75+ days so you know you can do it, get back to the things you were doing then.

[i-did-it]

Yeah it was before I was deeply hurt by people on this site – hard to forget , but I will try to get back to the pre-vicious attack days !

Steps to avoid next bet-
Step 1 – avoid toxic people- then no need for escape gambling.

[i-did-it]

gamble free day

[lizbeth4]

Hi i-did-it, Good on starting a new thread. Toxic people have always been my #1 stressor. You’ve got this!

[finding_laura]

Hi IDI,

I hope you are able to get past it as well for you. It’s hard to put you thoughts out there when you feel they will be attacked. Makes it a bit more difficult to post I would say. But hopefully this is going to be a positive thread where any discussion of thoughts will be done in a respectful and positive way. I would invite anyone who can’t do so to find somewhere else to post!!

I hope you had a good day. It was a gamble free day! I came home from physiotherapy and ended up having a long nap. I checked in group but no one was around. Head up IDI, you can do this! Onward and upward.

Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth And Laura ,
Lizbeth I remember you saying you had a similar experience –

it’s a shame because if the forums were monitored correctly a staff member could simply press delete on an unacceptable post – I know they certainly exercise this option in the f and f forum- it seems like we are the poor relation on this forum. It makes me feel that we are perceived as inferior perhaps due to our addiction – which again is off- putting when it come to posting honestly.

So today I may or may not gamble – that is MY CHOICE.
I will continue with my own steps – toxic people have no place in my life -whether that is “friends” on their own agenda , “support” which makes me feel unheard ,
“Support ” which is stuck on replay of methods which have never worked for me, Colleagues who need me to carry them, managers who would have me carry the team , family who don’t understand boundaries in their words and actions .
Today I choose support which is mutual and respectful – you know who you are .
Today I choose colleagues who work hard
Today I choose friends who choose mutual friendship
Today I choose family who are “adult” in their relationships .
Today I choose to be careful about what I reveal in my thread .
Today I choose support which actually supports me – whether that is in removing hurtful posts , encouraging rather than criticising and judging with the need for the last word.

Today I choose me !

[finding_laura]

Best choice of all IDI. Choose you!

I couldn’t change all my patterns and behaviours all at once. But I just kept checking in with myself if my actions and boundaries were sufficient or if I was sliding back into old people pleasing ways that left me open to being walked on. Left me open to old feelings of being taken for granted or used. I have come a long way from where I was 8 years ago! You have made a lot of changes and progress yourself. Whether at GA, on this forum, or in other recovery “venue”, when it came to advice and tools, I kept the best and ditched the rest! Have a great day

[Johnny B]

This forum should be for support and not for judgement. I have so much recognized where others are coming from. My only hope is that when the lapses happen and people post here, that they will recognize and respect the vicious cycle and the downward spiral that is inevitable for us. Good luck IDI. I hope the support you receive, helps you tame the beast.

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, I had someone disrespect my recovery because of the length of time that I’ve been on this site. At every turn she had something negative to say about me. I stayed off of her thread and never replied to her comments. She finally disappeared. It was unnerving! She was so engrossed with me that she didn’t concentrate on her own recovery. I don’t care how long you’ve been on GT, how many relapses people have had. If you can keep coming here for support and help, more power to you!!! Everyone’s recovery is different.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura , Lisbeth and Johnny .
Lisbeth you describe pretty accurately my experience also
Monica I totally agree that identifying ourselves by our greatest fault is degrading, demotivating and unnecessary.

Maybe I will go back and say my name is xx and I am a CF(compulsive fattie cos I have put on
weight )
Just imagine going to a weight loss programme and having to shame your self in front of everyone by calling yourself a CF-imagine lecturing those who gained a pound “you don’t want to hear the things you need to hear” . “It’s like talking to the wall”- imagine interrogating them about their barriers – “have you handed over control of the fridge ?”.
“Have you been honest with your partner about your chocolate binge ?” Well done on your honesty- now what steps can you take to make your next binge less likely- because remember once a CF always a CF. “give your partner control of your money – no money means no food ”
Imagine sitting in our six zero clothes and looking down on those who still can’t fit in a seat –
Imagine eating a a McDonald’s fry and having to number days from
Day one again or else be accused of lying .
The whole concept is so ridiculously outdated – I feel that trying to follow these ideas has held me back .

It also seems that the people who make it with GA kinda use meetings to replace gambling. They still give a huge amount of time to gambling – and maybe for some their ego gets in the way of actually supporting others -maybe one day we too will be so Sure of our forever recovery ( oh that sounds dangerous ) that we too will dismiss those who continue to struggle ” as not wanting to hear what they need to hear” .

Johnny – you nailed it – support isn’t support unless it’s respectful- lecturing and condemnation only serve to drive us further into the destructive cycle .
Gamble free day yesterday btw!

[Dunc]

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

I-D-I, We can’t control how people act, but we have 100 percent control over how we react to them

Stop giving toxic people your head space. Sure, this is hard to do, but you end up sabotaging your efforts if you’re obsessing over what someone else is doing, or what he or she might do next. You overthink your decisions and consider their feedback before it’s even been offered (or thrust upon you).

Take the emotion out of your reaction to toxic people. They’re going to do what they’re going to do, but you don’t have to get upset about it. Get right with that reality, and start taking your personal power back.

Recovery and control of your situation are both based on choices, don’t let anyone or anything become a rationale

[i-did-it]

Thank you Harry ,
I don’t feel inferior to anyone !
I feel people on the two forums are treated differently by staff .
That is a completely different matter.
If fact I don’t think I have come across a single person on here or anywhere for that matter – that I feel inferior to ! That is why I can express my ideas with such confidence.
I feel my opinion on matters is as valid as anyone else’s .
I don’t really care if the “ga or nothing brigade ” agrees or disagrees!
I sometimes entertain myself by writing my thoughts about such things on here
In my busy world as a fulltime professional , homemaker, wife , mum , daughter , sister , friend etc – I don’t have much headspace for anything else never mind toxic people.
But I do like to express my thoughts on here and I actually really like the way I think . In fact I often think with my experience , skills and attributes I could make some great changes to GT if I were in charge ! (now that doesn’t sound like an inferiority complex does it ? Lol )
To start I would make sure that posts follow the rules for posting – and were not delibately hurtful or trying to knock others’ condfidence in their personal recovery .

However Harry , I do appreciate you taking the time to write to me . I have said it before – it just goes to show that what we write is not often the same as what people interpret when they read .

Maybe implying that I am “sicker than the sickest CG” and that I should “bow out ” of GT has some meaning also that I have missed and maybe I shouldn’t have reported it immediately to GT staff ? Maybe I have totally misinterpreted those comments also

[i-did-it]

Today I may or may not choose to gamble – my choice !

[finding_laura]

Good morning IDI,

I hope you choose not to. We know where choosing to has led us.

I too am a professional working woman (or was until my back injuries and problems led to a lot of time off work). I’m a mom, wife, homemaker, daughter, sister, friend. You wouldn’t have thought being all of those things would have left time let alone head space for gambling, but when i couldn’t hack all of the responsibility for different reasons (illness, surgery, lack of support etc) I found relief in gambling. A little bit of social interaction without the responsibility of it. During this very busy time that is most often more stressful on moms to make it special I hope you are finding ways to recharge your batteries.

Keep working on those boundaries. I think it is always a work in progress. There will always be demanding friends and bosses in this world but you have sounded very pleased about changes you made to these relationships.

Have a good rest of the day. Just on second cup of coffee here! Catching up. It’s been a busy week.

Laura

[Johnny B]

But always be prepared for the consequences…….
Then ask yourself if you should!

[Monica1]

Really like your posts and responses. I too think that good services for escape lady gamblers just aren’t there and I look forward to my time on the gm programme to see what I can learn. I 100% agree with you about GA and I personally think how we see GA is actually with a large degree of observation plus,for me three months twice a week of participation. I found it psychologically dangerous with the degree of introspection required to do the steps and sponsors are not counsellors though they try to be. That’s what is dangerous. Plus I like your observations on the fat thing. This is exactly what iam going on about, the labelS, the sackcloth and ashes approach. I don’t buy into their literature or the character defects. It is really old hat and thinking on all of these issues is so much more up to date than GA is. Still,stuck,in the 50s and 60s. To me that all just sucks. No freedom in that.
I think what happened on here hurt you a lot and as this is our main means of support it is difficult to trust writing about our our inner being and thoughts. I sometimes think maybe I should not have said certain things buttishonest andis how I feel. We lay ourselves on the line every time we post with honesty. What Harryis trying to say I think is to let it go. I don’t get what the inferior thing is and the Roosevelt quote cos that’s not the issue at all here. It’s is just a clever sound bite that doesn’t fit the occasion. You don’t feel inferior at all but are noticing like I do a certain attitude occasionally from the staff plus you were hurt from regular posters. It,would have hurt me too. That needs acknowledging and then we can let it go and move on having learned about how,difficult it is to be honest Ona public forum and possibly to forgive and let go. You are way too smart and whichever way you look at it the perpetrators of the hurt have gone back and reflected a lot on what happened. They too will have formed their conclusions and learned something in the process. Lots of love to you dear friend.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Johnny , Monica and Laura.
Today I exercised my choice not to gamble – it neither feels good or bad , but is simply a choice I made just like many others I made today .
Laura, boundaries are so important. – and I think part of having boundaries is calling people out on poor behaviour .

Monica you are so right – I was hurt by regular posters . I was hurt that something I had confided in a group to two people was turned into a circus by those two people – and I believe deliberately so. It was cleverly used to set me up and attack me – but I do believe it backfired and I think they both know that .
I am very aware that no apology has been forthcoming, and my observation is that for all This bleating on about recovery versus abstinence – GA is simply a day numbering exercise – where greater number of days gives a sense of superiority rather than any of the elusive work on character faults we keep hearing about – again this observation is based on my experience only of the people I know in GA- there may be many others who actually do try to overcome their faults . Sorry really is the hardest word.

However , someone having a sense of superiority does not make me feel inferior! It is something that exists in their own little mind !
Couldn’t reply to chat – there is a Chinese group now – Can you go there Monica?

[Monica1]

Sorry only just caught this post s was charging up the iPad. A bit too late for the Chinese group. No matter, hope,to catch you tomorrow night.

[i-did-it]

I got up and went late night/ early morning shopping – u gotta love Christmas – hard to distinguish between day and night lol

[Monica1]

Hope you haven’t got work in the morning!

[i-did-it]

Slept for hours first and back in bed now lol

[i-did-it]

Today I may choose to gamble or not gamble – my choice !

[finding_laura]

It is always our choice I guess IDI. Although most of the time I felt like I couldn’t help myself! It always seemed easier to keep going than to stop again. Although I did with the help of not being able to drive myself there!

I hope your shopping trip was successful and that you are not feeling stressed over the holiday. Having money for basics and the extras over the holidays must make a difference. I’m in group but have an awful headache so I think I’m going to go lay in the dark. May catch you later. Do you have a full day tomorrow or out early due to the holiday?
talk soon! Laura

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura.
I am finished work for Christmas .
Today I chose not to gamble .
My choice .
Today I felt tempted but reminded myself this was a choice I could make . I reminded myself that whatever choice I made I was not going to beat myself up over it .
It would be my choice .
And then I was in the right head space to make the right choice for me for today . Today I didn’t gamble .
I am So glad I decided to continue with this support .
I guess I could have hid away when things got tough.
I think that was another positive choice – to face things, carry on and let no one stand in my way.
My determination has brought me to where I am today- looking forward to a good Christmas –
With a great gift for my son already hidden in the attic.
It hasn’t been a perfect year in terms of gambling – but it has been one where i have made a lot of progress .
I’m happy with my progress.
Im happy with my life .
I’m happy ‘!

[i-did-it]

Today I may choose to gamble or not gamble- my choice

[finding_laura]

I’m glad you decided to keep on with support as well. I think this would be really hard to kick alone although I suppose there are those that have been able to do that too. I have a saying that just popped in my head. Progress not perfection! That is what we aim for.

Quiet day for me, so I will check some of the other language groups through the day as well. I finally figured out how to get in them. I am going to friends after supper most likely to drop off Christmas gifts. It felt good to have the money to pick up a little thank you. They always make sure to invite me to their dinner parties, bbq’s and parties even if I only stay for a little while and leave. Tomorrow night I have plans to go to the local pub for a drink if i feel up to it. Fingers crossed. It feels good to be doing some normal things!

Catch you later IDI!
Laura xo

[i-did-it]

Thank you Laura ,
Laura, this year Christmas isn’t so tough for you financially and you are grateful because you can give to others – how lovely the way you think !
It is so much better to be facing Christmas with enough money .
This year I have bought my son a gift he would love (but never ask for ), I have all the presents bought for family – I am going out now to get Christmas dinner – I have a few rooms painted – hubby finishing one today .
Life is looking good – it’s exactly as you say – progress not perfection .
Today I am happy I am not perfect – I can admit when I am wrong and put things right . I make mistakes all the time -I am not a perfect mother , certainly not a perfect wife but recognising this means I can say a simple sorry I got it wrong -and harmony is quickly restored. I never let things fester. Yes I’m glad to be imperfect . I shall continue to strive for imperfection .

This year for the first time ever I will not be up all Christmas Eve baking desserts -I cannot quite believe I am so organised and still all of today and tomorrow to go .

Money is freedom – money is organisation- money gives us choices.
I read recently about a famous couple who don’t allow their children to use screens (technology ).
I thought how easy for you to be exemplary parents with your nannies, housekeepers , foreign holidays, fashion designers at your beck and call and the absolute world at your feet – try that as a single mum working to scrape by with two small kids in a tiny inner city apartment and a choice between putting money in the electricity meter or dinner . The world is ill divided.

Yes money is very important – it changes all of us and how we perceive life .

[micky]

Hi idi thanks for your post, what works for me is , daily diary, daily spends diary, budgeting, working out my debt, cutting credit cards up, taking time everyday to do the the diarys and keep on top of them everytime i see a green coloured day on the computer it fills me with satisfaction and well being.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your concern and support. Happy Holidays to you and your family!

[finding_laura]

What a great post! so happy to see you feeling satisfied about life. Sounds like you have everything well under control even with throwing some decorating in the mix. Fresh paint is such a pick me up. It’s just the putting back together of the rooms that can be a job. Worth it though.

So exciting to have something special for your son. You had mentioned about sometimes buying a little more for your son as he is an only child and you can’t split large gifts. Makes perfect sense to me. The alternative would be to deprive him of some of those splurges we have all given our kids over the years. An xbox or wii or whatever is the current trend. So enjoy giving him his present guilt free, it is a lot of fun giving to those we love. Especially when it’s a total surprise.

I hope you have a great holiday. Take it as it comes with no expectations. And enjoy! xoxo

[kathryn]

I don’t know if it’s because it’s christmas and I always get a bit emotional but I read your post to me out loud to my husband just now. We never really talk about my gambling anymore, and as I read it to him I started to cry.
I told him that sometimes I feel like I don’t have very much to say or give to people, that I feel like I’m just rubbishing on as it has been a long while since my last bet and I’m out of touch.
Your post has given me hope that what I write could be helping someone just a little bit.
Thank you, I don’t know that you will ever realise what those words meant to me.
I’m happy you are organised for Christmas, i think it’s such a stressful time, even without gambling! So you enjoy it!
You are in my thoughts today, you have lifted me up!
Merry Christmas!!!
Love K xxx

[vera]

Wishing you and yours’ a happy Christmas “I-did-it” and a peaceful New year.

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for your supportive posts.
I am in the “Christmas overwhelm”!
So much to do-guests coming tomorrow.
They probably don’t mind what way things are but I like everyone to have a special Christmas – it always starts with good humoured jokes about how tidy my house is!

Micky the minute Christmas is over I am going to do a calendar and make the days in green – Great idea and very visual .
Kathryn I am so pleased my post let you know how helpful your posting here is – Every day when I read how people like you and Laura are doing – I feel such hope for my own future.

Over the next few days I am going to read Johnny’s thread from start to finish – it starts with him in quite a bad situation – I am the first to reply and I tell him to buy a gambling blocker – he now has over a year of gamble free time behind him and I am still giving advice to others instead of practicing what I preach.

Happy Christmas to all my friends on here – your support has seen me through some very dark times – need to run – so much to bake / cook/ prep. – I am sooo happy!

[finding_laura]

HI IDI,

How did your Christmas day go? I hope you had a super day with lots of receiving to go along with how giving you are. Hosting Christmas day can be a big stress but you sound as though you were enjoying every minute of it. How did your son like his surprise? It’s our kid’s happiness that brings us joy. I hope you have a happy rest of the holidays IDI! Miss your posts and chat. Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura
Christmas wa absolutely perfect .
I rediscovered that I love entertaining and I love having my house nice – new throws and cushions – decorations some which are decades old and given to me by various people – memories – thoughtful presents , silly presents and laughter – a mishmash of ages and opinions – couldn’t have been more perfect .
Very hard work preparing – but so worth it .

My son was thrilled with his gifts- it was so great to see the surprise on his face , and I was so touched by his gratitude . He is growing into the most lovely young man ( yes I am biased !) and was so helpful to me and looked after the guests so well.

I am still blissfully happy- it kinda reminds me that have to work to enjoy the rewards in life – days of cleaning, painting , shopping paid off.

I kinda feel like I want to do it all again- I think I might host a get togetejr for friends .

I thought of you today – I had a n early visitor who followed me all over the house – the sitting room where empty bottles and dirty plates lay all over the place , the dining room which had the remnants of last night’s meal and finally the kitchen , which had yesterday’s washing up sitting unwashed ! Oh and of course my lovely cushions and throws were lying on the ground because my son had so sleep on sofa. I just couldn’t muster the energy to do it all last night ! It came into my head. “I have been Laura’d” lol!

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the Christmas season and thank you to all my friends and staff on GT without whose encouragement I could never have come this far xx

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