Today was my counseling session day. I always end up crying my eyes out. I’ve been trying to work on my issues around self esteem and feeling like I’m not good enough. I do this type of EMDR treatment that encompasses taoism healing practices. I keep having this reoccurring image of people standing in a crowd yelling that I’m a piece of shit for being a gambler and that I’m never going to be good enough because I lost all my money so nobody wants to be near me or with me. I’ve been used all my life for money since I was young and that ended up coming up.My counselor told me it’s common that young girls who’ve been sexually assaulted end up attracting users throughout there whole lives until there traumas are fully healed. I never thought about why people always appeared like they cared about me until I cut out buying them shit or when the times I wasn’t as fincially well off. It was a hard kick in the face for me moment to realize I’ve just allowed people to use me because of my own shitty feelings about my self worth. I also saw an image of myself drowning as a kid that ended up turning into my mom drowning that’s how she died so it was just a whole lot to process in one visual today. But I’m glad to be working on this type of stuff because I really need to. I’m sick of never feeling like I’m worth anything to anyone or myself. I just want to wake up and look in the mirror and not find a million things to pick apart about myself. I no I can do this and I no that I’m going to get better mind,body,and soul. I refuse to let gambling or addictions of any kind rob me of the work I’ve been doing on myself. This growth period was really needed in my life so maybe the fact that I had a bad experience with gambling was truly ment to happen so I could continue to work on myself and heal properly.
Today I’m grateful for my healing journey. I’m grateful that I’m able to feel and express all my emotions today. I’m grateful that I’m no longer fearful of change in all areas of my life. And I’m grateful that I have a chance to make a better life for myself.