[liamh35]

My life is dominated by gambling. Im almost 23 years old and i have gambled every single year from a young age, gradually destroying more and more. I have gambled away what are supposed to be the best years of my life. I can remember from a very young age obviously not aware of my addictive personality the urges id get to gamble. Its only now looking back that i know i have always been this way. I can remember gambling away money on fruit machines followed by telling lies, allocating money should i have been questioned, borrowing and stealing, and even working out plans to get extra money to gamble – this i would say was when i was 11 – 12 years old. My mum and dad would give me money to go out and enjoy myself, what 12 year old boy would rather gamble than go to the cinema or bowling with his friends? i would also spend lunch money gambling all the way through school. Playing Cards was a common pass time in high school, and i would not even consider playing unless there was a stake, and i was always the one to suggest a stake, even if the bell was going to ring to go to class, i remember suggesting a bet on a game of high card wins. Although at the time this was overlooked and not anywhere near the destruction i caused in the years to come.
By the time i was 16-17 placing bets at bookmakers was popular with friends and in my area. I never really had a good knowledge of football or horses, so the £5 bets my friends were placing for the weekend matches did not interest me. Although betting terminals with casino games in bookmakers seemed to catch my eye. I began playing these at a young age, placing the little money i had in them. Winning from time to time and losing often however again i saw no harm in this and was not really causing any damage, however the cover stories and lies continued. I got my first job at 17 working full time, earning on average £900 a month. I was 17 with no bills, no overheads, no responsibility. Living with my parents who paid for everything. I could have been buying myself nice clothes going out with friends and even saving. These machines took off in my area for some reason with your people, with people talking about big wins and so on, i don not blame this as i know now that by that time i was already a problem gambler. However every visit to the bookmakers became more frequent and the stakes got higher. Id go with friends and id go alone. id spend full days in bookmakers, becoming a well known face. People would stand behind me watching me losing hundreds of pounds shaking there head in amazement of how stupid i was being. Strangers telling me to walk away. Id convince myself that i would win it back and convince myself that i would win big. Anything i wanted in life i would believe that if i went to the bookies, id win and technically my purchase would be free. Absolutely hated spending money but yet i could sit and feed £20 pound notes , 1 after another into a machine which is designed to win. It sound so stupid thinking about it and i know im going to lose eventually but it just does not seem enough for me. Anyway my life went on like this gambling every penny i worked for along with pilling up debt with friends. Turning 18 seemed to be a big point where i started digging my own grave. I got access to credit cards and overdrafts – i also got access to casinos. Well you know the story, i lost everything. Everyday has been dominated and dreaming, living in this fantasy world. Having silly numbers which are “MY NUMBERS” off a roulette wheel constantly on your mind, and no matter how many times they come out, they dont come out enough, they never will. they could come out 99% off the time but it still would not be enough for me. MY gambling has lost me jobs as well, i found that my urges got so bad that my legs would shake, in work it got so bad that i just had to up and leave and head for the nearest place to place a bet. Id avoid eating to gamble, working 12 hour shifts and not eating a single thing, losing lots of weight which i couldnt afford to lose already being skinny. made me look horrible.
SO eventually my gambling came to everyones attention, a relief at the time i can honestly say, i was becoming distant with family, lies were catching up on me and i was becoming very depressed with it all. Explaining to my parents and them understanding was amazing. They took it on the chin and of course bailed there son out thinking i was young silly and got caught up in something and the experience had taught me a lesson of some sort, thinking id not go back. And of course i promised i would never be so silly again. Did i go back?
Of course i did. Again the same old patterns started, lies and living 2 lifes. I even stole out my parents bank account. Makes me feel sick to even think about it. My parents work extremely hard to afford a nice house and keep a family and i take there money to feed and give to the bookmakers, How selfish and horrible can a person be? Convinced myself id pay it back, convinced myself id win it back! Il never forget the time i started stealing out my mums account, i was in the casino and the bank called my mum to say she had irregular activity on her account, she knew straight away it was me, and she was calling me and leaving messages trying to find me. I remember at that point i still had a lot of money on me, and instead of walking away i said to myself ” if i dont win this all back im going to have to kill myself” so instead of walking away and admitting defeat as i was already caught i decided to pretty much play russian roulette with my life. i decided to keep going. Thinking that if i get the money back, all would be forgiven? I lost all my money that night, and walked out the casino a very broken person thinking that this was it. My brother was standing in the lobby looking very worried and upset, he had been out looking for me. put me in the car and took me home. Pretty much saved my life that night with him being there at the right time.
Following months i began attending GA, stayed there gambling free for roughly 4 months, seeing the benefits of a life without gambling. I surprisingly found it enjoyable however i started making excuses and felt i was missing out being with friends and going out because of meetings. And of course the old ‘il be ok now, im not going back gambling!”
I did go back. the same patterns continued for a few years after that. gambling, hitting rock bottom or being caught. saying my sorrys, going to GA the stopping. a very selfish life. i dont understand it, all i know is i am a very weak person.
When im gambling i can only describe it as it having a physical hold over me. Like i cant leave the casino without me losing everything or it closing. I can remember gambling in the bookmakers and i really did not want to be there anymore, i felt sick, and i broke down, in the bookmakers. The machine was round the corner and nobody could really see me. But i just kept gambling through the tears. I honestly just kept thinking “hurry up and lose so i can get out of here” what sane person would do that? But it felt like it was the only way i could leave. Another feeling i get is i seem to forget, i could gamble for hours and hours, completely numb throughout it all, not thinking or talking to anyone, but as soon as i walk out the casino, BOOM, what on earth just happened there, what have i done? I really dont understand why i feel the need to gamble. Ive lost all the trust in my life. I feel like im going nowhere in life. i feel like a waste of space. its hard to even look my family in the eyes after everything ive put them through. i know this doesnt sound awful and ive not went into how much damage it really has cause but believe me when i say, it has almost destroyed my family.
Anyway the reason i wrote the title Gordon house is because i needed somewhere to put this down at the moment as im going to my councilor tomorrow to give her my forms for Gordon House. I felt i should right this on the application on the box headed “is there anything else you would like to tell us about your gambling”. Didnt feel like the standard form made me look so bad and started to doubt myself again over if i needed help. Writing this has just strengthened the fact i need help and i am making the right decision. And its my decision. Nobody elses. I know it will in fact save my life because one day family and friends wont be there to save me and bail me out. One day gambling will take everything, including my life and i have decided that it has ruined almost everything, but i wont let it take my life. And i know its my fault, gambling is gonna be here for a long time, its not going to go anywhere. it a take it or leave it situation, the same as drugs which i dont do. JUST LEAVE IT. I make it sound so easy, just makes me realise how messed up i am with it all.
Hopefully with help and treatment i can rebuild relationships and even begin to get a wee bit of trust from the people i love. One day il be able to look them in the eye. Its a long way to go though, i know there is no quick fix, i tried that.
Well its bedtime, going to have to get up early to write this all out in pen now to put on my forms before i go to my councillor. Probably wouldn’t make a difference but it cant hurt. Made me feel better about making this decision.
Night all, Hope all is well.
Liam. Glasgow, Scotland.

[oasisourcool6686]

mate, i no the feeling that sounds exactly how i use to be a few months ago. but with drink and drugs also. I was out of control, and a right pain in the ass. i have been recovering since the 22nd April. i am currently in the halfway house, and studying a full-time college course, im doing a diploma in music and doing some voluntary work. i’m not sure by you’re story if you’re now in recovery or if you are seeking help now. but what a deep story it takes a lot of bottle to talk about yourself like that. so that’s a well done there. for being open :). that’s the first stage of recovery is being open. but i’m here mate if you need to chat. but this will be the best decision of your life. the horrible thing is people make decisions in life that are normal. but for us its to help are compulsive ways. but i can honestly say it does work. g ma has worked wonders for me, i couldn’t carry money before without gambling, but with the guidance and alot of work i had to put in, along with budgeting and planning, i promise you it does. anyways stay strong and im here if you need to chat.

[liamh35]

Very strange to see someone post in this. I posted this 2012 and never looked at it again. Really brings a lot back. But 2 years on and as you can guess I’m no further forward. But I do enter gordon house on Monday. It’s good to hear from somebody who has had this treatment and it has had a positive impact on there life. Hopefully if I give it 100% I can do the same..

[Anonymous]

Hi liamh. I am sure you are further forward.. Perhaps in your knowledge about the addiction or your knowledge About you!!
Would be nice to hear more about your journey

[oasisourcool6686]

I did try and comment yesterday but it was playing up. If you put ur mind to it m8 you can achieve recovery. It takes a lot of work and budgeting and planning . But ull get there if u put the work in. and haave a support network. But if u feel it’ll take more then u could always contact gma. And get the residential help. I’ll see u in the chat room on Monday pal.

[liamh35]

I’m travelling down to Dudley tomorrow morning. Pretty worried about it all but suppose that’s normal. Can you tell me what the programme is like? I understand it’s Monday to Friday 9-5 but what do you do to keep busy, like at weekends and at night. I’ve been asked to take a radio so I’m assuming there’s no tv or computers?

[oasisourcool6686]

Mate im so pleased for ya, thts x gr8 decision.ok the first two weeks is a calldown. During the 2nd week u do a breakdown of ur life its called a life audit.and then thee next week is when tje prog starts. Ull do foundation work. Honesty etc. But as for the radio etc u can watch tvbut after 5 o clock. Amd weekends. But I promise ya if u put the work in ull get bk what u put inand that’s a. chance of a better life.. so dont worry they will look after ya.there gr8 people.. so ill hopefully see ya in person soon all the best and wd.best decision uce made yet..

[Kevrum74]

Of to Dudley on Monday, does anybody know the set up etc, I have rough idea from posts etc, but not all, I e, is there TV in each house, how does kitchen situation work, I did a bit of time in beckenham , but I’m lead to believe, it is 3 houses together 3 per house, beckingham , any advice would be appreciated plesse

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