10 July 2014 at 2:46 pm #2193berberParticipant
Just want to wish your daughter well!
My thoughts are with your family, I am proud of you Ell.
B.14 July 2014 at 3:01 pm #2194
i was anxious , i get stressed ,for some minutes i was terrified and i asked him (skype)
if he see porn all the time now ?
he told me with all his love no and he is happy that i asked him because he doesnt want to hight my douts and my anxiety . (we dont have internet home only at work)
velvet i feel alittle sorry for asking him but with the berbers post i felt the “””if”””ii my mind so so strong ..
with love ell14 July 2014 at 4:34 pm #2195
I do believe that when an ‘if’ becomes as strong as your ‘if’ it is best to talk without accusing and hopefully the ‘if’ will disappear.
I cannot tell you that the ‘if’ will not appear at different times in your life but when it does I think it would be good to re-read your thread and see this ‘if’ post – you will remember what worried you and how well you coped.
Anxiety, stress and terror are not good for you or for your husband – now you have talked I hope you feel calm. Don’t let someone else’s disappointment with their relationship affect you – I know Berber would not want that. Never forget that your story is unique.
Keep going as you are – your husband is doing well and so are you.
V14 January 2015 at 6:44 pm #2196
Hello my dear friends,
With all my best wishes , Happy New year and wish health and strength.
Hello my dear and lovely velvet ,
I wish you all the best to you and your family.
Now was my 3rd Christmas , I remeber velvet that my fisrt christmas was so difficult , i was cooking for my family and noone knew what was happening in my life , i had in my pocket the serenity prayer that you gave me and some of your answers .You helped so musch . It was so so so difficult . But now christmas was so woderful with my hb and my daughter . We spent time together with walks presents santa etc. we went for 3 days holidays the 3 of us and we we were all happy .
Time passes everything is better but i cannot forget .He is still free of gambling , But i think velvet that im very close to forgive , i think that the time helps me to forgive . I cannot forget all your help . I feel good and i have my self back . i still work hard nothing changed but i feel free in my heart and so so peace. I want you to know that im ok , i think i can deal with everything now , i think that i learned how to handle the situations . I wish you the best to you and your family … I miss you so much .
Thank you very much for all your help and understanding .
My best wishes to monique , berber ,jenny,janey,twilight,nomore,adele , i wish you the best to your families Happy new year .
with all my love
and of course keep going ……..14 January 2015 at 8:00 pm #2197moniqueParticipant
How good to hear from you and what a lovely message. So full of hope and peace. You have worked so hard within your family and helped make all this possible.
All good wishes,
Monique14 January 2015 at 11:07 pm #2198
What a terrific post – how good to hear from you.
It is so hard to be patient and wait for time to bring healing but sadly it is only time that can heal some wounds. Forgiveness is very special and I don’t think any of us can determine the day we will feel it but I hope dear Ell when that day comes your circle of happiness will be complete.
I am not sure it is right to forget because the experience was a large part of your life and it will have changed you. Taking something that is bad and turning it into a life experience that strengthens you is the most powerful vengeance anyone could have against the addiction to gamble.
It doesn’t surprise me to hear that you are still working hard but I hope in time you will enjoy the fruits of your labour. How wonderful to read that you have peace in your heart – you worked so hard for it and I know it wasn’t easy for you.
I wish you continued joy with your husband and your daughter – they are both very lucky to have Ell in their lives.
Maybe one day you will pop back again but of course I understand that this site has been a chapter in your life that is now rightfully closed.
Take care and enjoy your life
Όπως πάντα αγαπητέ Ell
V28 February 2015 at 2:22 am #2199AnonymousGuest
i read your story and i find my self thinking that thi can go forever. Its not that you dont love the person its just that the demond that goes with him doesnt go away.
they mean well am sure all the times that they say that they want to change and everytime that they say that i would love to belive them but i have had the type of decussions with him that end up in fight,,m some like that i can kind of tell that he has an erg to gamble i can tell he gets mad easy and doent want to reason no matter what .. i truely hope that thinks change..please keep your hope up and know that your not alone …3 July 2015 at 2:29 pm #2200
Hello my dear friends
Hello my dear dear velvet
A little up date
Im ok . Everything goes well with my cg . He is still free, and he goes to the councelor 2 times now in a month not every week . I spoke to the councelor and he said to me : ‘ your hb is a winner and you both are winners because the feelings and the love is still here” The gambling is far now …you are both special”
My daughter still has medical issues but thanks god she is going very well .
As velvet for my brother (the person of my life) he got a divorce 2 months now . He was devastated, He passed all the feelings I had and I recognize to him all the steps . Now he is still has Unger but he is so strong he tries to stand up for the right reasons. His wife had an affair with a 55 year old man reach and my brother didn’t know anything at all and he found 2 months now he ended the marriage immediately . he has the 50% of the custody and all 100% the education custody . He is with his sons and the counselor said that he is devastated but so strong and so wise to handle the situation. But my brother and I speak truly , he is devastated because his first dream was the family . A nice real family . He was in love with his wife and of course his wife denied everything and wanted my brother buck and the affair also . Both together . Anyway the issue was the money because the other man is so so reach and she wants money. But I want to say that is was 2 difficult months because when my brother said to me : “I think I need your help to stund up…” the game started for me and all the feelings were there once again ….I recognize again the anger the lies betray everything ….
I can say v that I from all the gambling problem ia can say that if a couple devorse it is not both fault . IT IS NOT .
She had a mystic affair ……if and I say if a couple have problems they must speak and communicate the problems, if the cannot fix it they devorse with respect . when someone goes have sex with someone else with an affair it is her decision and of course her fault because she choose it . Sh could first communicate the problems and then divorce with respect and then find a new man …But she said to me that the other man has moneyyy …and here in Greece is the issue…
Anyway if you see my update you will realize that I speak for my brother , sorry for that but he is a very important person for me
I still work in the red. My hb and I we work 24 h . All the hours . You all know the crisis here but the fealing is disaster , fear , and we need anything to have hope . It is so hard with no money nothing …Please god helps us stay at Europe …..
I miss you v , and im tired for all the continuously problems…but I know that is life and I know inside me I want to feel all the feelings life has for me ..
I will write and update soon … im going to leave my employees free now to get rest because they have to vote to another area ..
With all my love
Ell5 July 2015 at 5:20 pm #2201
I cannot begin to tell you how delighted I was to see your post. I think about you often – especially with the worrying news every day from Greece.
How wonderful to read that you husband continues to control his addiction and that your daughter is doing very well – I hope her health issues can be resolved in time.
I was so sorry to read your brother’s news. I remember only too well how important he was in supporting you – it was always a relief to me to know you had such a strong person to hold on to when the going was tough. I am sure the strength and wisdom he showed to you will carry him through this bad time.
The way you handled your husband’s addiction Ell strengthened you, you learned to ride out the storm until you reached peace and tranquillity which is a lesson, I believe, you will never forget. It is your turn now to be the rock for your brother – I know you will do it well.
Today Greece is voting and I hope that whatever decision is made, it is the right one for you and your country-men. I will be praying for you.
As always you say words filled with wisdom – you are tired but you know that even to be tired is to be alive and able to feel. I hope that soon matters will be easier and I hope it will give you a grain of happiness to know that someone in another country thinks of you often.
I hope you will be able to update with better news soon
βελούδο8 July 2015 at 7:38 pm #2202moniqueParticipant
It was good to read your update. You continue to work very hard and are a very courageous woman. Thank you for all your news.
Yes, we think of your country a lot these days. Things must feel very uneasy. But we all hope for positive steps forward that will improve things for everyone.
Very best wishes,
Monique29 March 2016 at 6:26 pm #2203
Hello to all my special fiends
Hello me dear and lovely velvet
I know that I haven’t written for a long time but you are always in my thoughts
You were the most special person in my life
Im doing ok . He is still free. He doesn’t have problems . He still goes to the therapist but no for the gamble just to improve himself
I think that this gamble problem is in the past .
We are together with love and with no problems . My daughter is now 4 years old and she is doing well with her health problems .
Im ok I still work very very hard many many hours but thanks god we have jobs because here in Greece people don’t have jobs we have problem with the crises and with the refugees .
Here in Greece all the people believe that we must help all the refugees that is our duty to feed them give them clothes medicines what ever they need. That is why we canont close the country . I don’t know what will happen but if you speak with the Greek people you will see that even we have our own crises we are very proud when we help (i am too). Anyway I hope that all the Europe will find a good solution for all of them and for us too.
You are always in my thoughts . I hope that you and your family is healthy and happy.
My update as you can see is a life with no gambling problems . But still have my eyes open .
But I stiil cannot forgive …I haven’t reach there yet . I don’t know why but still cant . Many times I keep wondering why that happened many why and if .
Something is keeping in the same path …I think that im stuck and in my heart I want to forgive .but i need Real forgivness. I have peace in my heart but when something happen my mind thinks the worst scenario . I think that someday I will forgive .
Thank you all for all the help you gave me . and of course thank you velvet , you are a very special woman . You helped me and you still helping me and im very thankfull to you .
My wishes to you and your family .
Thank you for every thing
Of course I will write again …..
with all my love ell30 March 2016 at 4:19 pm #2204
In my opinion having read your post I don’t think you need to worry about forgiveness – you are together with love, your daughter is doing well and your husband is gamble-free.
Have you ever had a pain that bothered you for ages and then one day you realised the pain was no longer there but you couldn’t actually say when it left you – I believe forgiveness is like that, it slowly grows within you until one day the realisation comes that things have truly changed. You are strong and independent Ell and I think you are struggling to accept that the man you chose to love and to be the father of your child, could not have known on some level that he was hurting you and your daughter and that he knew that what he was doing was wrong. I accept that I will never make sense of what happened to me but I firmly believe that nobody would ever choose addiction over freedom – it is for this reason, above all others, that convinces me that a CG who changes his/her life deserves forgiveness for actions carried out when in ignorance of the capability of the addiction that engulfed them – through no fault of their own – but I also believe that forgiveness after an experience such as yours must take time.
I can’t say to you ‘ you must forgive him Ell’ because if you are not ready to do so then such words are futile but I believe that if you continue as you are doing then forgiveness will come. When I told my CG that I had forgiven him he said that he had not asked me for it and I replied that it was my choice to give it. When it comes Ell I know you will tell your husband but until then don’t let its absence spoil the wonderful life you are having together.
I know you will understand when I say I have missed you and yet I am glad you are not here. I hear in the news all the problems your lovely country and people have had to endure and I pray for a better future for Greece and for the refugees. Every mention of Greece however always brings me a fond reminder of a very special Greek girl called Ell whom I am so pleased to have heard from again. It is such a joy to hear that your husband has truly embraced recovery and loves his Ell because I know how much she deserves it.
I know one day I will hear from you again but until then I send my best wishes to you, your husband, your daughter, your mother and your brother.
Όπως πάντα – με αγάπη
Velvet30 May 2016 at 10:34 pm #2205daddaParticipant
Hi, Ell. I was reading through your whole thread. Your (screen) name is familiar to me but I wasn’t sure why. I am glad for you that things look to be going in positive directions.
I was reading what you had to say, that he (still) goes to therapy, but to “improve himself”. When that is the case, I think it is awesome! I went to therapy for the longest time; the CG I was married to refused “there was nothing wrong with him” (his words and back then, I did not know about the gambling). Anyway, I hope it is encouraging for you, but I know that as I have learned more about myself and the big world too, I don’t just automatically fall back into destructive ways of “coping”. It sounds like maybe that is some of the growth he is having through therapy? I sure hope so.
At the same time, I too hear what you say about forgiveness. There are a lot of sayings about forgiveness and I won’t talk about them, it just seems to me that forgiveness, like being in a good mood, can’t be “forced” or just because you want to.
BUT one thing I learned through therapy and study is that many of the things we think (and learn in school or from society) are not always true. For example, anger. SO many people will just say “anger is bad”. No, it’s what can result from anger that MIGHT be bad. Anger (the energy from it) can actually be used in a positive way. But usually, a person has to be able to look at several options and the (likely) consequences of their actions and CHOOSE how to respond to the anger. Anger, like fear, tells us something might be wrong and tells us to check things out.
I think that you, even without therapy, show a lot of self-awareness about yourself and also about how the gambling has affected you. I did not realize you are in Greece until later in your thread and honestly, I don’t have a lot of chances to keep up on news, but I have heard some about the financial problems there and I can only say that it is completely understandable how the national problems can make your personal ones much harder and scarier. I also don’t know how the gambling there operates, here in U.S. it is often (the money raised) partially part of the government revenue and budget. There are big billboards and ads here, encouraging gambling, but the warnings are in very small print and downplayed. When I have posted about CG, people (often) tell me things like “it’s entertainment” and how gambling (industry) can’t be part of “people’s problems”. That is what makes me have a hard time with forgiveness. Also because here, you can’t just “walk away” from gambling debt, like to a casino. But you can walk away from what is owed a spouse or children. I struggle to just get through each month.
I ended up with PTSD as a result of all the experiences I went through. One of the things with PTSD is that your whole view of “reality” (what you think it is and how it works) is torn to shreds. One of the ways to recover from PTSD is to look at things and make a new framework of reality, putting in the things you have learned from your own experiences. For me, that has sometimes meant standing up and saying “no” when other people try to force me back into the old framework. So I am wondering if that is part of what you are going through? And maybe the “forgiveness” is bigger than “just” forgiving your husband?
When I DID find out about the gambling, I told my husband that he didn’t have to tell me more than I knew about. Most of it all (despite the consequences to me and our daughters) was “between him and God” (that’s my faith, but not saying it has to be looked at that way by everyone). The main point is that the truth had come out and therefore, the problems could be solved. He chose not to do that, but I was able to forgive him on one hand while I still struggle with some of the actions he’s taken, since then, that I still have to cope with. My problems with forgiveness don’t have to do with the person, they have to do with all the other stuff going on that “helps” someone develop a gambling problem and makes light of the problem, ignores it and so on. Your nation (like our govt) can’t even fix its own problems and then you are asked to take on more!
Anyway, I don’t know if this all makes sense or not but I hope some of it does. I don’t mean that my experience and yours are “the same” just that there are a lot of complex things (I think) that go into a gambling problem and as you work on recovering from it, you find out things that you would never have guessed, before. It takes time and strength to put things where they belong and understand, and that’s all while you are trying to take care of everything else.
I hope things continue in a positive direction for you and your family! Your writing has also helped me. Sending you the very best wishes and hopes for future!
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