[asdfghost]

So… where do I start? Hmmm…
I found this forum in late 2021, there were two links on a gambling site, one of them led to GT. Funny enough, isn’t it?
Actually, my gambling history started a “bit” earlier, in January ’21. It all begins with a $3 deposit. The amount you “can afford” to lose, right? Then comes a line of wins and loses, eventually ending with a zero balance. “But I made $20 out of $3!!! Let’s deposit again, surely this cannot go wrong!!!”
It’s frightening me how much money I lost since then. What’s really awful, is the fact that I have no job yet. It’s my 3rd year of university, but I’m still living with my parents. They know nothing about that disgusting side of mine.
I’ve read many stories of people here. Countless posts of hopes, struggles, ups and downs. These helped me a lot at the moments of total despair. Especially kin’s journals.
Lots and lots of times I was crying, screaming, beating myself up with the thoughts of “no more”. Yet, I came back again and again, forgetting all the things happened before. Lately, I’ve had a rather long recovery period since March ’23. It all went to nothing with my another “first” bet three weeks ago.

[charles]

Hi asd,

Well done on looking for help.

You have had a gamble free period so the good news is that you know you can stop. The trick is to stay stopped!

Barriers will help, where has your recent gambling been? You can get yourself excluded, if it is online then you can get a blocker for your devices. How have you funded it? Accountability and removing minstant access to funds helps, it means we can no longer act secretly and quickly if we get an urge. Who could help with that?

Most importantly of all is support. If we need it to stop gambli9ng then we should keep using it to help maintain recovery. Whether that is posting here regularly, getting to Gamblers Anonymous meetigns or other support. If we could do it on our own then none of us would be here in the first place.

Keep posting.

[kin]

You will be experiencing the fight between two voices in your head.
One tells you “No more gambling”
Another tell you to do it “One more time”
And there will be a tug of war inside your head.

Wolf Parable

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them,”A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too.”

They thought about it for a minute
and then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”

The old Grandpa simply replied, “The one you feed.

Are you feeding your addiction or your recovery?

• This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[asdfghost]

Happy New Year to all visitors and posters in this forum, especially to kin.
I’m staying gamble free since November 16th 2023, ended this year on a relatively good note.
I finished almost all of my university tests of December, from 13th of January my exams will start.
You could say I’m too busy to gamble, in the meantime I just play videogames.
In the new year I want to find a job, that basically has to be my only goal now, but I keep delaying inevitable.

[jasmineisme]

Hey there, your journey echoes with many of us here. Acknowledging the struggle is a significant step. Remember, recovery is not a linear path, but you’ve shown resilience before. Reach out when you need support; this community is here for you. Let’s build on the progress you’ve made and focus on the steps forward.

[asdfghost]

I failed again today. “Finally” unblocked an old account with a certain amount being left there for months about two weeks ago, played with it for 2-3 days before hitting zero balance. Thought I would stop after that? Nah, it just fed my addiction after almost 4 months of staying away from gambling. Eventually, it happened and now I’m here again. The Day One… no, more like Day Zero. What the f***.

[kin]

Autobiography of an addict in 5 short chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in, I am lost, I am hopeless.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I dun see it, I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But I believe it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I can see it is there, I still fall in, it is a habit.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

…THE END…

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by kin.

[kin]

Hi asd,

The stonecutter may strike a rock 99 times with no apparent effect. Yet with the 100th blow, the rock splits in two.
That doesn’t mean that the first stroke is useless. Success is the result of continuous efforts.
It was not the final blow that did the trick but all that had gone before.

Don’t lose heart!

Just because you lost a battle does not mean you lost a war.
You may have to fight the battle more than once to win the war.
Sometimes by losing a battle, you find a new way to win the war.
Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

Don’t give up on yourself
you will find a way; you can do it.
It won’t be easy but it will be worth it

When life gives you a second chance
Don’t take it for granted
Don’t waste the chance
Don’t repeat the same mistake.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Thank you. Today was not a good day but it was better than yesterday. Because I didn’t gamble today.

I’m walking down the same street for about three years now, with varying success. The first time I fell down that hole I didn’t even acknowledge the fact it exists.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by asdfghost.

[asdfghost]

Today I’ve tripped over and fell down the same hole after just a week and a few days from my last lose. I hate myself.

I couldn’t abstain from betting just as a drug addict who can’t abstain from substances.

[kin]

Hi asd,

I am so sorry to hear about your unfortunate incident.
We need help from the professionals to deal with problem in the brain.

You are still so young and you have a bright future ahead of you
but you are at risk of losing all your future earning whenever you lose your self-control.

Please seek help.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Thank you for your support, unfortunately I have no idea where to seek that help. I won’t be able to tell my parents, or any people I know irl about my problem.

What “saves” me now is the fact I do not have a considerable amount of money as I have no job, so I cannot spend my whole monthly salary, for instance. It’s kind of blessing and a curse. I constantly remind myself and am getting reminded by my parents for that reason. My family situation is also rather complicated…

[kin]

Gambling Therapy live support is a text-based service that allows you to speak directly with an experienced advisor. Whether you are concerned about your own gambling, or if you are worried about someone else – talking about it can be a relief.

Speaking to an advisor can help you find a new perspective on your situation and can help you take meaningful practical steps forwards.

Gambling Therapy advisors will listen to you without judgement and can talk through any questions you may have about problem gambling. Your advisor can also help you to find local resources such as counselling services or groups if these are available in your area.

Support is provided in any language using automated translation, with native language support offered in many common languages. Just start typing, and an advisor will respond in the same language.

The service is confidential – although other advisors within the Gambling Therapy team will be able to review the conversation in order to provide the best possible service. Visit the privacy policy page for a more detailed explanation on confidentiality and how we handle your data.

Live Support

[asdfghost]

Here we go again. That didn’t take a long time. I fell with my face down in the dirt. Is it over? I don’t know.

I’m feeling awful these days. Things just aren’t going right at all. Isn’t it pathetic to have a negative self-control value?

[asdfghost]

I’m f***ing stupid. Thought I could make it to May without any problems, just because I started to feel a little bit better…

I have no idea. Not a small grain of idea. Why my own brain works maliciously like that.

I have so many things to care about, and yet. It forces me to stay carefree, and then the addiction catches me in the most vulnerable state.

I want to cry. It’s been a long time since I did it last time, for the same reason as now. Why can’t I just stop being so reckless, why can’t I get rid of these awful thoughts.

[asdfghost]

Been gambling again today. And the day before. And on 8-9th May a week ago. It’s getting worse and worse. I have no real money, and that’s really good so my losses each time do not exceed $15-20 which is still kinda lot for me though. And it’s not even my own money, I’m getting everything from my parents as allowance.

It’s starting to get sick. I can’t stop wasting my time on games and money on nothing. I’ve been here, two or three years ago when I had suicidal thoughts related to the insane amounts I lost that time. And my mental condition overall was shitty to put it mildly. I don’t want to be there again. Not this time.

[Author]

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